


What's wrong with us when happy hurts

by Joey_De



Series: Loving you is all I need to feel [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unplanned Pregnancy, implied/referenced eating disorder, references to adoption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 186,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joey_De/pseuds/Joey_De
Summary: An alternative take on season 5 if Sara never joined the Legends and came back to Star City and the struggles she and Team Arrow face in dealing with her bloodlust, the aftermath of her death and resurrection and the emotional impact giving William up has on Oliver.
Relationships: John Diggle/Lyla Michaels, Quentin Lance/Donna Smoak, Sara Lance/Oliver Queen
Series: Loving you is all I need to feel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528751
Comments: 279
Kudos: 117





	1. You're counting, you're counting on me now

**Author's Note:**

> This story follows my story Breathe. It is at times rather dark given the fact that I want to put focus on Oliver and Sara's emotional and mental struggles with everything they've been through.

Sara

Five months ago:

Sara was in a bar in Tibet when she made a decision that would change her life forever… yet again. Not that she was aware of it at the time. Not that she had ever been aware of the magnitude her choices would have on her life at the moments in time she had made them. Now the thought it could be a life-altering event never even crossed her mind. Why would it? All she did was answer her burner phone when she recognized Ollie’s number. Nothing unusual there. She had stayed in contact with him, just as she had promised before leaving all those months ago. Oliver being the one who called was rare, though. She was usually the one calling him. He had only called her a handful of times; once to ask her opinion on his plans to propose to Felicity;

_ “Ollie, what I think really doesn’t matter… This is your life and your decision... You should definitely do it if you love Felicity and feel she is the person who makes you happy and who you want to spend the rest of your life with… How are you planning on proposing?... I’m sorry I won’t be there… Let me know how it went… I’m thrilled for you two… You deserve to be happy, Ollie, more than anything.” she still wasn’t sure why he had called to tell her before he asked Felicity but knowing that she was still the person he confided in before making a life changing decision made her feel valued as a friend and as if she were still a (important?) part of his life. It meant more to her than he would ever know. He meant more to her than she would ever be willing to let him know. He meant everything to her. He was her touchstone, her true North. He was her home. _

The second call had been Christmas morning, well in Starling, not where she was but that was neither here nor there it was the thought that counted, to wish her a happy birthday. It had actually been his call that had reminded her it was her birthday; she hadn’t even noticed that it was Christmas already. She would’ve forgotten all together had he not remembered and called her. Which, of course he had. He wouldn’t be her Ollie if he hadn’t. 

_ He had told her he had wished that he would finally get to spend her birthday with her again, for the first time in nearly a decade. And given that it was not to be, he would’ve been more than happy to send her gift to her, if he’d known the exact location where she was. So now it was up to her to come pick it up if she wanted it. He tried to keep the exchange light and make it sound like he was teasing, but she could hear the underling worry that came with him not knowing where she was and what kind of trouble she might have gotten herself into. So, she reassured him she was fine, physically anyway her mental state was an entirely different story and so not the point right now, he didn’t need to know just how bad it got sometimes and how dark a place she regularly ended up in, nor the fact that she was mostly avoiding people and staying by herself, taking up living like a recluse which she was in a way. She was too dangerous; she had barely any hold on the bloodlust or the demons under her skin, she also had trouble silencing the voices in her head even less going against them. So staying away from people was crucial. She played along with the deliberately light tone he had chosen for their phone conversation and promised that she would come pick it up soon. _

_ They both knew that her words were a blatant lie, and she didn’t plan on coming home anytime soon, if ever, but pretended otherwise.  _

_ They talked a little more, promised each other that they would stay out of trouble, yet another obvious lie on both ends, they knew better than anyone that neither one of them had ever managed to stay out of trouble for long, and hung up shortly after. _

The third call had been two weeks after the first and was not what she had expected. Oliver had told her about everything that had happened the night that he had proposed to Felicity. She was shocked about the events and the aftermath. 

_ “I’m so sorry, Ollie! I really hope Felicity will be okay… Let me know if there is anything either of you need… Don’t forget to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of Felicity, okay? Promise me you’ll eat and sleep.” She had sent him a package with tea and herbs and other things that might help Felicity, plus some food and little trinkets that she knew he would love. _

His last phone call had only been a couple of days ago. A very emotional phone call in which he had confessed that he had a son. A son that he himself had only recently learnt about… because of a decision his mother had made. Over a decade ago. It wasn’t hard for her to recall when it all must have taken place. Ollie had been in a dark place for a while but wouldn’t tell her or anyone why. She had felt helpless and the only thing she had known to do was be there for him and try to distract him from whatever it was that was bothering him. She had wondered over the years what might have led to his depressed state at the time, but this was the first time he had ever told her about the consequences his indiscretion with Samantha had had and the decision she and his mother had made. A decision that had led to Ollie believing that he had lost a child before it was ever even born. A decision that had wrecked him. A decision that had not been theirs to make, but that wasn’t what was important at the moment. 

He had told her about the choice he was forced to make. She had been thrown by it all and was still processing everything he had told her and why he was telling HER and why now. When he answered her unspoken questions. 

His emotions had been raw, and he was worried about his team’s and Felicity’s reactions to the news, and he had needed to talk to someone before telling them. And he was forced to tell them because Damien Darhk had somehow found out about his son (William, 10 years old) and had taken him from his home (Central City). 

Ollie’s son had been kidnapped by Damien Darhk. Darhk who had been a member of the League of Assassins had kidnapped his son. Darhk who had been Ra’s al Ghul’s rival for centuries. Darhk who was just as dangerous and powerful as Ra’s had been, if not more. Ollie’s baby boy was in the hands of one of the most dangerous men in the world. 

She had offered to come home and help him get William back. Even though she hadn’t thought it was a good idea, not at all honestly. Not with her bloodlust and the white-hot rage that she had felt cursing through her veins at the thought of Darhk using Oliver’s innocent baby-boy against him. She could almost feel the man’s warm blood coating her hands and painting them red, his anguished screams while she made him pay for his trespass and the satisfaction it would bring the demons underneath her skin. They were practically begging to be given the chance to teach Darhk a lesson and show him just what she was capable of doing. What the punishment for anyone who dared to hurt Oliver in any way would entail. Her hands were shaking in anticipation of the violent and bloody crime she was craving to commit. There was nothing she wanted to do more right now that make Darhk pay for the sins he had committed against Ollie and his son.

The man in question had thanked her but declined her offer. The tone of his voice let her know that he was on the same page as her, as usual, that involving her was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. But he had promised to keep her posted and let her know how everything turned out. 

She had been on edge ever since. Which was the main reason she was sitting in this bar, a half empty bottle and a shot glass in front of her. She prayed to whatever higher power there might be that the news would be good. And she was not a religious person. Never had been, but any doubt she might have had whether God existed had died nearly ten years ago when Satan himself had fished her out of the freezing waters of the North China Sea and dragged her straight to hell. To pay for sins she had not yet committed.

She didn’t even want to think about the possibility of William not being alive anymore. She couldn’t even imagine, well, she could, but she really, really, really didn’t want to. What losing the son Ollie had only recently learnt about would do to him. A part of her was sure that it would be the one thing that would finally push him over the edge, the one thing that would break him, possibly for good. Losing his child, again, would destroy him. That, she knew for sure. And he would blame himself. He would believe it was his fault and nothing and no one would be able to convince him otherwise. 

“Heey Ollie.” She picked up the phone and tried not to let the dread she was feeling show in her voice. She listened for a while, just letting him talk uninterrupted, not believing what he was telling her, and desperately trying to make sense of it all. 

“I’m on my way home.” There was really nothing she could say to help him or to ease the immeasurable pain he was sure to be in, and most of it still didn’t make any sense to her at all. All she knew was that he needed her, and she couldn’t be there for him while she was thousands of miles away from Star City. All that mattered was that Ollie needed her. He needed a friend, someone who didn’t judge him, who didn’t blame him for his actions, current or past, someone who was on his side. And that was the only side she would ever be on. No matter what. Ollie had done so much for her over the span of more than two decades, and there was no way she was going to let him go through this alone. He was always there to catch her when she fell, now it was her turn to catch him. To be to him what he was to her. 

She got up and paid her bill, all the while calculating the fastest way to get back home.

*******************************************************************************


	2. You’re nothing like you used to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Oliver, Oliver did a good job pretending that everything was normal. But that was just it. He was obviously pretending, and no one was buying it no matter how good an actor he was. 
> 
> Part of her felt bad that she was questioning her brother’s honesty but on the other side Oliver and her whole family were known liars.

Thea

Laurel and Thea were enjoying a lazy Saturday brunch at their apartment. It had been Laurel’s idea to distract Thea from worrying about Oliver, whom they hadn’t heard from in a week. Both women had expected him home a while ago, but the longer he was gone the more they wondered if they had misinterpreted his latest actions.

Thea had been extremely excited when she had gotten Oliver’s phone call two weeks ago. He had asked her to look at a couple of apartments for him, which she had happily done with the help of Laurel and Dig. She had given him detailed accounts on all of them and had been surprised when her brother emailed her the signed contract for one of the places not two days later. Also informing her he had hired a moving company that would get his stuff from Felicity’s, formerly her and Oliver’s, apartment and that some additional furniture would be delivered on the same day. He had asked her to collect the key and let the movers into his new apartment, which was something she gladly did because it meant that her big brother was finally coming home after five long months. Everything had gone perfectly, and Oliver had called her the same evening to ask her how it went and to let her know that a cleaning crew was coming the next day.

All of this had been a week ago. And she hadn’t heard from him since. The key to his new apartment was next to her and Laurel’s in the foyer, just waiting for him to pick it up. Yet she had no idea when that was going to be. Maybe he had just wanted to remove his things from Felicity’s apartment and didn’t plan on coming home yet. But then why had he bought, that fact had surprised her, an apartment and had the place cleaned? He could just have rented a storage unit. If his sole intentions had been to get his stuff out of Felicity’s place. 

The two women were just talking about the movie they had watched last night when a knock sounded at their front door. They exchanged a confused look, wondering who might come by unannounced on a Saturday. They were having their biweekly dinner at Dig’s tonight. 

“Maybe it’s your dad?” Thea wondered as she got up to open the door. 

“Yeah, maybe, but then again he usually uses his key and just walks right in.” Laurel’s voice was tinged with annoyed affection about her father’s antics. 

“That’s true.” Thea laughed and looked back at Laurel while opening the door, not at all expecting the person who greeted her on the other side. 

“Hey sis.” She could hear the smile in his voice even before she saw his face.

Her head spun around in record time at the sound of her brother’s voice, her whole face lighting up. It took her only seconds to jump into his arms.

“Ollie! I missed you, bro.” she was holding on to him in a tight embrace.

“I missed you too, Speedy.” Oliver wrapped his arms tightly around her in return, kissing her forehead affectionately. 

She squeezed him real tight before letting him go and stepping aside, so he could enter the apartment. It confused Thea when her brother stretched his arm out behind his back, instead of following her inside right away, as she had expected him to. It was only after he had finally stepped inside that she could make out a person behind him. This made her realize that he had in actuality reached out, offering his hand to someone behind him. She felt a little stupid for not getting it sooner. Not that anyone could blame her, her brother’s bulk had pretty much blocked the entire doorway.

“Sara?” Thea questioned once she made out the small stature of the blonde that Oliver’s tall frame had hidden. She took an excited step towards her friend, so she could give her a hug too, but stopped in her tracks when she noticed Sara taking a step back and moving behind Oliver while he stepped between the two of them. Sara suddenly seemed to have Ollie’s hand and arm in a death grip. Thea took a step back and felt as if she had been hit by a truck. Of course, the blood lust.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… I forgot.” Her voice was full of sympathy and remorse. The reaction of the woman she considered a sister and the parts she played in it shook the diminutive brunette to her core.

Oliver looked at her warmly for a moment and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. He gave it a reassuring squeeze before removing it and turning away from her to face Sara. He soothingly spoke to her in Arabic and Sara answered him in kind. They turned back to her as one, being in total sync with each other as usual, after a short conversation. By now Laurel had come from the dining room too, to join them in the foyer. The older brunette tried to hug Sara as well, and to Thea’s utter surprise the blonde’s reaction was the same towards her older sister as it had been towards her. This led to the four of them awkwardly standing in the foyer, neither of them not knowing what to do or say.

“Do you mind if I use the bathroom?” Sara’s question seemed to come out of nowhere and thankfully broke the awkward silence that had descended upon them. 

“No, of course not. You know where to go.” Laurel smiled warmly at her younger sister, who returned it with her patented half smile before walking past them, making sure to leave plenty of space between them.

Oliver watched her with a concerned look on his face, waiting until they heard the bathroom door close before turning to the two women. 

“Look, physical contact is something she’s seriously struggling with right now. Give her some space and time. Let her come to you, let her be the one who initiates the physical contact. She still doesn’t trust herself around people. It took her a while to get used to my presence too, and even longer to be comfortable with my touch. She’ll get there in time. Just respect the boundaries she’s setting for now and let her get used to your presence again.” Oliver’s tone was warm but serious while explaining Sara’s situation and current struggles.

“Okay, thank you for telling us this and explaining. Do you guys want to stay? We’re just having brunch and there’s plenty of food. I also promise neither Thea nor I have cooked any of it.” Laurel smiled at Oliver gratefully and gestured towards the inside of the apartment, which reminded Thea of the fact that they hadn’t moved from the spot since Sara had left and were still standing just inside the apartment door. 

“Thank you for the offer and we’d love to under different circumstances, but we’ve been travelling for days and just came by to pick up the keys, so we can head home and get a hot shower and some much-needed sleep.” Her big brother looked apologetic and a little awkward. 

“But how about tomorrow?” He added after he had noticed how her face fell when he declined Laurel’s offer.

“Yeah, sure. We understand. Tomorrow’s fine. Wh…” Laurel was about to say more when Oliver turned away from them and his full attention focused on Sara, who just returned from the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” His voice was quiet and laced with concern. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just ready to crash.” Sara did sound tired and different. But then again, everything about her seemed different. The way she held herself and moved, the way she behaved and the way she looked even, but she couldn’t really pinpoint what it was about Sara’s looks that seemed different. There was just something…

Thea knew that there was a word she was looking for to describe her appearance in its entirety, it just evaded her at the moment. 

“Yeah, me too. C’mon let’s go home.” Her brother smiled at the younger Lance sister and held out his hand. The blonde laced it with hers as soon as she was within reach of it, letting him pull her closer as soon as their hands were entwined. 

Laurel handed Oliver the keys to his new apartment, and they said their goodbyes right after. The only man amidst them promising to text them details for the next day and their plans.

“Did we know that Sara was travelling with Oliver?” Laurel turned towards her with a questioning look on her face as soon as the door had closed behind their respective siblings. 

“No, we did not. We also didn’t know that ‘we’ are apparently a ‘we’ that talks for each other and shares a HOME.” Thea made sure to emphasize the words while the two women walked back to the table to finish their brunch. 

“Do you think they’re back together?” Their conversation about the movie was forgotten for the rest of their meal and replaced by speculations about what was going on with their siblings. 

******************************************************************************* 

Oliver had texted Thea last afternoon, just as promised. Letting her know that Sara and he would come over in the afternoon. 

Laurel had called Quentin the previous evening and mentioned that Sara was back in town, which led to Quentin coming over too. The subject of Oliver had also come up during the biweekly dinner at Dig and Lyla’s. Where everyone ended up decided to join Laurel and Thea the next day and the two women had then recounted what Oliver had told them earlier. That Sara was struggling around people. That she did not like physical contact and that they should respect that and try to act normal around her despite it.

Surprising enough, everyone showed up on time or a little early. Dig explaining that Lyla and Baby Sara couldn’t make it.

What had really surprised both Thea and Laurel was that Felicity, who hadn’t been sure last night, came too. It didn’t take them long to realize that Donna was the reason why the IT genius had come. The older Smoak woman had come with Quentin and according to Felicity had insisted on her daughter joining them, to welcome Oliver and Sara back home.

The guests of honor were the last ones to arrive. They hadn’t planned on everyone coming over to welcome the two of them back but it just kind of happened, so Thea had texted her brother in the morning letting him know and Oliver had said that it was all right. The younger Queen sibling wondered for a moment if maybe they had changed their minds and decided not to come after all. Only to have her thoughts interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. 

Thea couldn’t help but notice how the atmosphere changed the moment Ollie and Sara stepped into the living room. Turning from happy anticipation to seeing their friends again to surprised or shocked confusion once they noticed her brother’s hand tightly interlocked with the small blonde’s. He didn’t even let go of it while embracing people. He just took a couple of steps forward to provide Sara with some space and gave one armed hugs. A decision that led to the atmosphere turning awkward and strained and Sara’s lack of acknowledgement of anyone, including her sister and father, did not help the situation at all. Their behavior was very peculiar from the moment they arrived and it would only get stranger as the afternoon progressed. 

*******************************************************************************

Was it her, or did Sara seem worse than she had been when she had left Star eight months ago? The way she seemed to put as much space between herself and everyone who wasn’t Ollie, whose personal space she seriously disregarded, was very concerning. The youngest Lance was glued to her brother’s side the whole time, holding on to Ollie’s hand and arm as if he were her lifeline.

The conversation flowed easily enough. There was a lot to talk about, given the fact that there were five months of events to catch each other up to. Or mostly catch Oliver and Sara up to. Well, Oliver anyway. Sara didn’t seem to be interested in the conversation and wasn’t taking part in it at all. She had yet to say a single word since she had arrived. She didn’t even appear to be listening to a single word that was being said. 

It wasn’t hard for Thea or anyone, really, to notice the changes in Sara’s behavior. 

Oliver was another story, but still it didn’t take Thea too long to notice the small things that were different about her older brother. Just as Sara seemed to be permanently attached to his side physically, except for whenever she went to the bathroom, which was quiet a lot, now that she thought about it. That was strange. Of course, it could simply be an excuse for her to leave the room and get some time away from everyone. She seemed to be uncomfortable around crowds or people who weren’t Oliver. On top of her apparent disinterest in the conversations and people gathered, and it made her wonder why she had chosen to join Oliver and come to visit them if given the fact she seemed to rather be anywhere but here.

The tall man’s eyes seemed to follow the blonde’s every move whenever she left his side, looking anxious while she was gone and he appeared to be hyperaware of anything Sara did. Oliver also spoke on her behalf. The woman had yet to utter a single word. The looks he gave Sara were clouded with worry and all of this made Thea wonder if it was just about the blood lust or if there was more to it than that. Could there be more going on with Sara than they were aware of? And if so, what?

What was going on with those two? It was obvious that they were keeping things from everyone. Sara didn’t talk at all and seemed to have completely checked out of the conversation ages ago. She was mostly staring into space now, not even pretending to show some sort of interest in anyone or anything, her thoughts probably a million miles away. 

And Oliver, Oliver was taking part in the conversations, even laughing sometimes, when the story requested it and he did a good job pretending that everything was normal. Even sharing some stories about his and Sara’s travels with them, confirming that yes, they had been travelling together for a while. But that was just it. He was obviously pretending, and no one was buying it, no matter how good an actor he was. The simple fact alone that one of Sara’s hands was interlaced with his and the other one was holding on to his arm at all time was proof of that. Even if Thea were ignoring all the other less than normal things that they were doing, that alone was proof that something was wrong here. Neither Sara nor Ollie were big on public displays of affection, not that it could really be called that, but still, this was not normal behavior for them at all.

Her older brother was also avoiding or simply ignoring all questions concerning their behavior. She was reminded a lot of the person Oliver was back when he had first returned from Lian Yu five years ago. All of this just made her wonder and worry more about what had happened to the two of them in the last five months and whether any of Ollie’s emails had actually been the truth or if he had just made things up to keep her from worrying.

Part of her felt bad that she was questioning her brother’s honesty, but on the other side Oliver and her whole family were known liars. And it was a fact that her brother had never once mentioned Sara. Not in his emails, not during any of their calls, in none of the postcards he had sent, and the blonde also hadn’t been on any of the pictures Oliver had taken. If he had actually taken those pictures. And just for how long had they been travelling together? None of the stories he shared gave any indication as to how long they’ve been on the road together. It made her wonder what was going on and whether the two of them had gotten back together?

Thea was ripped from her musings by her brother suddenly standing up, with no warning. 

“It was great seeing you all, but we’re still a bit jet-lagged, so we’re going to head home.” Everybody looked as surprised as she felt. Where had that come from? They had just started to tell Ollie about the latest adventures of Baby Sara. Her brother’s reaction made no sense at all. He loved Dig’s daughter more than anything. So, he should be interested in how she is and what milestones he had missed. Hearing about her should be something he was revelling in. Instead of standing up from one moment to the next and deciding to leave. Sara did a great imitation of being Oliver’s shadow, from that moment on. Their goodbye was quick, and Sara was pretty much just ignoring everyone now, being protectively tucked under Oliver’s arm, tightly pressed to his side by the looks of it trying to disappear inside of her brother, her face mostly hidden in his chest. 

One thing became crystal clear throughout the entire time that the pair was at their apartment; Ollie and Sara seemed to be keeping something from everyone. 

There were only two questions that sprung to her mind: What were they keeping from everyone? And how bad was it?

*******************************************************************************


	3. But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afternoon at Laurel and Thea’s had been exhausting, and he felt emotionally drained. Trying to keep people from seeing just how emotionally out of balance he was, took everything from him. Well, the little he had left after giving most of his strength to Sara. He needed to be strong for her, for them both. At least in public.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated this story in forever.  
> Part of it is that the way Arrow ended Oliver's story was very dissatisfying to me. I personally don't feel they did him justice.  
> Another reason is that this story focuses heavily on Oliver and Sara’s emotional troubles and mental health issues and that is very draining. To be honest, the way this entire series started out was a fun Canarrow road trip fic because I thought they deserved it after all the crap they’ve been through. But Oliver and Sara decided that they were not down for that because they were not in the right mind for that. And that’s how it turned into this.  
> So, this is going to be a little rant, but I feel that it’s important you guys know where I’m coming from.   
> The fact that this story is placed in Season 4/5 of Arrow and requires me to re-watch it plays into why I haven't been updating. The way Arrow ended makes it very hard for me to re-watch those seasons. Knowing he'll end up spending eternity with a woman that has treated him horribly on so many levels and occasions and chose her husband over his son and their daughter while Oliver would've given everything to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up but chose the sake of the world his children lived in above his personal desires. So, a man that selfless ending up with a woman that selfish gives me some trouble watching or re-watching the entire show to be honest. I've had my issues with Olicity and Felicity for a while, but the ending made it so much worse. I lost my father as a child and just the thought that my mom would’ve been like “oh well you’re in your early twenties now, so I’m going to abandon you now” is inconceivable. What kind of mother does that? It would’ve been something different if she would’ve sacrificed herself like Moira did but this… I just can’t…  
> Felicity had so little regard for her own daughter, even going out in the field while being pregnant and risking losing her when she had absolutely no reason to be in the field to begin with. Even less so given Sara was in town and Oliver even asked her to take it easy and be careful. I don’t get how there are people who thought this was amazing and so empowering. In my opinion it was stupid and reckless and just showed how little she cared about the innocent life she was responsible for. And the ending of Arrow just confirmed that. 
> 
> While I’ll try really hard to stay fair to Felicity and not bash her, I just want people to know that this story will not paint her in the best light and she will be faced with consequences for her actions and behavior. I do not stand for any type of abuse even less when it's towards someone who's already struggling with mental health issues, which Oliver clearly is. If you have a problem with any of this, please turn away and do not read. Thank you.

Oliver dragged the hand that wasn’t holding a drink over his eyes. The drink had been in his hand from the moment he had finished cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. It was still the very same drink hours after he had poured it. He’d been sitting in the darkened living room, staring out the window, watching his city for just as long. 

The afternoon at Laurel and Thea’s had been exhausting, and he felt emotionally drained. Trying to keep people from seeing just how emotionally out of balance he was, took everything from him. Well, the little he had left after giving most of his strength to Sara. He needed to be strong for her, for them both. At least in public. 

The last thing he wanted was for everyone to know just how much he was struggling. How giving up his son, not being a part of his life was tearing him apart. Felicity’s reaction to William, the utter lack of understanding and her hurtful words when he bared his soul to her were still haunting him. He had given her everything he had. Well, everything he had had left, and he knew it wasn’t much. Not after losing Tommy. And then his mom. And then Sara again, for what he had believed to be the last time. The third time he had lost her to death, the first time he had proof in the form of her lifeless body. And then almost losing Thea.

And joining the League had taken part of what little was left of his soul. 

But Felicity had known that. It was why he had been reluctant to have a relationship with her to begin with. She had known who and how he was from the moment she joined the team. She was the one who insisted on giving them a shot. Yet, it hadn’t been enough. He hadn’t been enough, just as he had known from the beginning, and nothing he did could change that. 

He didn’t feel he was worthy of love after everything he did in the League. It was why he ran from the people that mattered most to him. He had thought leaving Star City would change that. That he could change. He could become a man worthy of her love. It was why he left. Why he abandoned Thea, even though she would have needed him. He had tried so hard to change, to be better, to do better, to be the man Felicity wanted him to be. And he thought he had succeeded. He thought they had been happy in Ivy Town. Well, as it turned out, he had been, but she hadn’t. Yet, she didn’t tell him that. Why? Why hadn’t she told him? They could’ve figured something out. Worked on it. 

He had gone back to Star City because it was what she had wanted. Put on the hood again, because it was what she had wanted. He had tried so hard, but nothing he did seemed to have been enough. And yet he had stayed with her. Had tried even harder because everyone told him they were perfect for each other. How lucky he was that she loved him… but if she loved him, why did she walk out on him when he needed her the most? Why did she turn around and walk away while he was ripping his own heart out to ensure his son’s safety? Was it really love she had felt? He couldn’t help but compare Felicity’s reaction to Sara’s. Felicity had literally gotten up from her wheelchair and walked out on him. While Sara had come running back home to him, insisting that she wouldn’t let him go through this alone; “Together, remember?”.

Felicity’s words were still haunting him, just like the images of William in Damien Darhk’s grasp. He had to remind himself that Darhk was dead and would never be a problem again. 

And now everything with Sara was weighing heavily on his shoulders too and slowly but surely pushing him towards a black abyss.

Sara was the only one who knew just how bad a place he was in and he intended to keep it that way. Just like he knew that Sara didn’t want anyone besides him to know just how much she was struggling. Oh, he knew, and so did Sara, that everyone was aware of the fact that Sara was not herself, well not her old self, it was very obvious after all, but they couldn’t even fathom the depths of despair she was drowning in. The state they saw her in did not even scratch the surface of how messed up his Sara was mentally and emotionally. They didn’t know just what she was fighting every second of every day. And they never would if she had a say in it. She would rather face it all alone then burden her family with her demons. But she wasn’t alone. He wasn’t going to let her go through this alone. He wasn’t going to let her go ever again. They would either manage to drag each other out of this quicksand of despair or drown together. That was the whole point. Together. How it was supposed to be. How it always had been. The two of them together facing the devil and clawing their way back out of hell, kicking and screaming. But it was exhausting fighting a battle every single day and still feeling you were losing the war. He was just so very tired of it all. Tired of trying, of pretending… and he knew that Sara understood, felt the same way even. He was fighting for her, getting up every day because of her, to make sure she wouldn’t give up. And he knew he was her reason too. 

Taking care of Sara took its toll on him. Even more so because all of this started out with her coming home to take care of him… or as much as he would let her. Still, he was grateful for it to some degree and that just made him feel horrible. But taking care of her or trying to as well as he could, and she would let him, gave him a purpose, something to do and focus on besides just how much he missed his son. 

Oliver knew he should go to bed and try to get some sleep, but he was too exhausted to get up. The only reason he had managed to get himself to make dinner was to ensure that Sara would eat. 

He should go check up on her. 

He hadn’t seen her since dinner. Not that it was unusual for her to seek solitude and disappear on him. No, not disappear, not really anyway. He always knew that she was close by and he’d be able to reach her in no time if she needed him. She reminded him of a cat sometimes. Being able to just disappear for hours on end with no trace and then suddenly, noiselessly pop up out of nowhere. Speaking of popping up… he moved his hand from his eyes when he felt the soft touch caressing his cheek. 

“You should get some sleep, Ollie.” And looked straight into Sara’s worried blue eyes. 

“C’mon”. She moved the hand from his cheek to take his hand and pull him from the loveseat. He placed the drink on the table next to it and let her drag him down the hall and into his bedroom. She moved him to his bed and softly pushed him onto it. 

“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.” Oliver lay down on the bed and Sara followed suite, moving his head onto her chest. One hand stroked his hair while the other drew soothing circles on his back. He wrapped his arms around her and drew himself closer and felt some of the tension leave his body and he slowly started to relax. He could hear the steady beating of her heart, providing a calming rhythm to her soft humming, as he felt his eyelids grow heavy. 

He wanted to tell her to stay, that she needed to get some sleep too. He knew that he would wake up alone in bed, with Sara off somewhere having spent the night trapped in her own mind, staring into nothing, if he didn’t tell her to stay and sleep. But he was too tired, and everything went black before he got the chance to utter a single word. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver woke up to an empty bed, just as he had predicted. He got up and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He and Sara did have an important appointment today, and he was planning on taking care of some other things in the afternoon, so he needed to get ready.

He checked the time once he got dressed and noted that they had another hour until they needed to leave. He left his room and moved towards the kitchen, wondering whether Sara was hidden away somewhere and he had to go look for her after he made breakfast. Stepping into the kitchen nullified his thoughts. Sara was sitting cross-legged on the kitchen table eating a bowl of oatmeal and fruit, a cup of tea next to her while she was watching the news on the TV.

“Ruvé Adams is the mayor now, did you know that?” Sara’s eyes stayed trained on the TV while talking. “There’s fresh coffee, I made it for you. Thought you could probably use it. You tossed and turned a lot. But you never woke up. I thought about waking you a couple of times but figured you could use the rest and it probably wasn’t that bad if you didn’t wake up on your own. You haven’t really slept since we decided to come back home.”

Oliver walked towards the counter and poured himself a cup of the aforementioned coffee. All the while listening to Sara and the news playing in the background.

“Yeah, I had some weird dreams, they were mostly confusing and made little sense. There may have been one or two nightmares too, but nothing too bad. Did you get some sleep?” He turned towards her, waiting for her answer.

“Crime’s up by 13 percent, might just be the new mayor or maybe someone new has moved in while you were gone. Could still be H.I.V.E just under different leadership, maybe Ruvé’s taken over. What do you think Malcom’s been up to?” Those were all great and troubling questions, questions he’d think about at another time. He had more important things to focus on and worry about right now, given their appointment later on. It was also a pretty good attempt, on the blonde’s side, to ignore his question and change the subject. 

“I guess it’s possible that Ruvé’s taken over H.I.V.E and is using her position as mayor to ensure their hold of the city. Wouldn’t surprise me if Malcom had a hand in all of this too.” He decided to play along for now, at least until he had finished his first cup of coffee. No point risking an argument before that.

“There are hash browns in the oven, and some sliced tomatoes and fresh eggs in the fridge. I wasn’t sure when you’d come to the kitchen, it’s why I haven’t put the eggs in the pan yet. You should eat. I made them from scratch just for you.” She finally moved her eyes from the TV to spare him a stern look.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” And he did. Sara always seemed to know just what he needed and when he needed it. “How about I eat, and you tell me how you slept last night?” Oliver stared her down with a challenging look until she turned back to the TV and he then turned towards the stove and put two eggs into the pre-prepared pan.

She looked okay this morning. Someone who didn’t know her would even say that she looked normal. But he could see that she simply pushed everything as far from her mind as she possibly could. Put everything in a box, locked it and shoved it in the deepest corner of her mind. If that was what she needed to do to get through this morning, then he wouldn’t question it. Besides it wasn’t as if he had any grounds of judging or questioning her methods, he was doing the exact same thing.

“Okay, I guess. Woke up once every hour but the total amount of sleep I managed to get was okay.” She finally answered his question.

“You still okay with Laurel coming over in the afternoon while I take care of some things in the city?” Oliver took his plate, refilled his coffee mug and sat down at the table, right in front of Sara.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I should be okay with Laurel, I guess.” Sara gave him what he thought was probably supposed to be a reassuring smile but looked like a rather weak attempt.

“You sure?”, he wanted to be certain that she would be fine being alone with her sister. “I can always go some other time.”

“No, it’s fine. Oh, someone broke into the National History Museum. I wonder what they wanted.” It was not difficult for him to recognize an obvious case of ‘drop the subject, Oliver’ on her side. They finished their respective breakfast and cleaned the kitchen up together before preparing to leave.

“Hey, you ready to go?” The tall man turned towards his slight roommate, once she joined him at their front door, putting his hand on her cheek and searching her eyes for the truth.

“As ready as I’ll ever be. Thank you for coming with me.” Sara put her hand on top of his before removing it from her cheek and giving his palm a quick kiss.

“Of course. Together, remember?” Oliver gave her a kiss on the forehead and what he hoped would be an encouraging smile. He then took her hand and together they somberly left the apartment, on their way to their appointment.


	4. This is the way that my sadness made me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So why would he ask her to come over? Did Sara even want her to come?
> 
> Laurel was ripped out of her thoughts by the sound of Donna’s: “Oh, my god!” followed by dishes shattering on the floor. So, she walked into the kitchen to see what happened. Putting her sister and her friend out of her mind for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update. The next one should be sooner, chapter five is already half way done. 
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who gave this story kudos and a huge thank you to everyone who wrote a comment you guys make my days and keep me motivated. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Laurel;

Laurel wasn’t sure what to make of the last two days. She was happy to have both Oliver and Sara back home. She had missed them both dearly. They were family. But she was also very confused and kind of worried about their behavior. She thought they would be better by now. She realized the moment she had the thought it was not fair to them. And remembered words she had spoken to a worried Thea eight months ago:

“I’m honestly not sure that this is something that can be fixed. Neither can they…”

But it wasn’t just the fact that her sister didn’t seem to be better, but she had, honest to god, gotten worse. And Oliver, Oliver was hard to define. She wasn’t sure how he was doing simply because he played his part to perfection and they might have believed him if he had been alone, if Sara hadn’t been with him. Because Sara’s presence disrupted Oliver’s performance. His focus was entirely on her sister and that led to him slipping up every once in a while, even if just slightly. But enough for people who really knew him to notice, plus she, and she was sure Thea, too, had been watching him. And they could not be blamed by anyone after the weird behavior their respective siblings had presented when they came to pick up the apartment keys.

Except Oliver had seemed all right the previous day. Which is why she had focused her attention on her sister at first. But watching Sara meant watching Oliver, given the close proximity they kept during their time at her apartment. And Sara really didn’t do anything that would’ve helped her figure out what was going on with her. She was merely sitting next to their childhood friend, holding on to him as if he were her lifeline and the only thing grounding her to this reality. Her sister had completely spaced and spent the afternoon staring at nothing. The only time there was any sign of life on her side had been whenever she went to the bathroom.

Sara had not said one word all afternoon, and yet Laurel felt that she and Oliver had had entire conversations with each other. Conversations she wasn’t able to follow or understand.

They had moved as one when Dig mentioned baby Sara. They held on to each other. At first glance it looked like Oliver was trying to shield Sara from… something… but on second glance it was clear that yes, Oliver had pulled Sara into him, shielding her with the bulk of his body but when they turned around and left the room Laurel could see how her sister was stroking Oliver’s arm soothingly and she did the same with her thumb on the hand that was held by the male. It reminded her of the moment when Sara had calmed a distraught Oliver down eight months ago. Their overprotective friend was shielding Sara from… them…? But why? The bloodlust? She might have believed that and simply considered it another consequence of her selfish and reckless actions that led to her sister’s current state and bloodlust. Had it not been for Sara obviously comforting Oliver for something… Her sister’s actions made her feel like there was something else, something else, something more... this afternoon should have helped her comprehend and understand what was going on. Not lead to even more questions and confusion.

Was Oliver’s strange reaction concerning Dig talking about baby Sara because it reminded him of William? And how he had to give him up? How he was not a part of his son’s life to keep him safe? But Oliver hadn’t minded hearing about and even spending time with their favorite tiny human before he had left Star five months ago. So that couldn’t be it, right? Then what was it? Why would he and Sara have such strong reactions to Dig mentioning his daughter?

Laurel rubbed her temple. All of this was giving her a headache. She wished she knew what was wrong with two of the most important people in her life. She wished she knew how she could help them. Or what had happened to them while they were away. Something must have happened. Sara had seemed broken before she had left eight months ago, but now she was only a shadow of the person she used to be. She reminded her of a ghost. And seeing her like this felt like a knife to the heart. It hurt her so much to see her baby sister like this. She used to be so full of life, all smiles and laughs and jokes and fun. She used to be so much fun and had such a lust for life. And even after the Gambit when she first came back she was still so alive and full of light even if she hadn’t seen it herself. But now she was just a husk. There was no light in her eyes. And it was all her fault.

Laurel made a mental note to talk to her dad after Donna and Felicity had left. She wondered what his thoughts on her sister’s behavior were.

Even Oliver had seemed better before he had left. He had been in a lot of pain and devastated, but that was understandable given the circumstances. And Thea and she thought it was an excellent idea when he told them he had to get away for a while to figure things out. They thought it would help him sort things out and come to grips with the way everything had played out. They were wrong.

Now he just pretended to be okay. And they all let him. Why hadn’t anyone called him out? She needed to talk to him tomorrow. It had surprised her when he had asked her if she minded coming over tomorrow afternoon to spend some time with Sara. For one because he had asked her on her sister’s behalf while said sister stood right next to him, tucked protectively under his arm. Not that it had been the first time during their visit that he had spoken for her. And two, because Sara did not show any interest in her or anyone’s company. So why would he ask her to come over? Did Sara even want her to come?

Laurel was ripped out of her thoughts by the sound of Donna’s: “Oh, my god!” followed by dishes shattering on the floor. So, she walked into the kitchen to see what happened.

Putting her sister and their oldest friend out of her mind for the moment.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donna;

This entire afternoon was not at all what she had expected. Not even close. When she had heard that Oliver was back, she had hoped that it meant Felicity would sit down with him and they would get to talk their issues out and give it another go. She still felt those two were perfect for each other and her daughter seemed to have reconsidered her actions five months ago. And she knew that Oliver loved her daughter dearly and unconditionally. Felicity was the love of Oliver’s life and Oliver was her daughter’s. There was no way he would not agree to give them another try if Felicity apologized and asked for another chance. She had been sure of that.

Donna had also been very excited at the prospect of finally meeting Quentin’s younger daughter, she had heard so much about, from the two Lances, Felicity and even Thea, who seemed to adore her as much as she did her brother and the older of the two sisters.

She liked Laurel and was sure she would like Sara too, even more so because Felicity seemed very smitten with the youngest member of the Lance family. Everyone seemed to think very highly of her. Yet, there was quite a bit of mystery about her.

She still remembered the first time she had heard about Laurel’s sister and the context that came with it eight months ago. There were still a lot of things about that night that confused her, and she didn’t understand. But so far no one had answered any of her questions, and they tended to change the subject whenever she asked about that night.

The night she had met Quentin and learnt about Laurel’s younger sister who was apparently another one of Oliver’s ex-girlfriends. She had asked Felicity about that story on their way back to her daughter’s apartment and she had been shocked. Yet part of her was impressed about the fact that Oliver still seemed to be very close with the sisters even after their disastrous past. That spoke volumes about the kind of people he and the Lance sisters were. And led to her looking forward to meeting and being very curious about the woman who had an affair and ended up shipwrecked with her sister’s boyfriend. She couldn’t have known at the time that it would take her eight months and plenty of more information about Sara for her to meet her. And with everything she learned she grew more curious. She must be quite the woman, given the respect and admiration she received from everyone, including her sister and her ex-boyfriends fiancé, she had been surprised how much Felicity liked her, given her and Oliver’s scandalous and very inappropriate past.

So, it was understandable that she had been very excited and happy to finally meet the infamous young woman.

Sara was not at all what she had expected. She couldn’t even make the connection between the woman she had heard about and the woman she saw this afternoon. And yes, she meant saw, she couldn’t call it met. To meet someone meant to actually talk to them. Sara didn’t say a word, not even “hello”. Not even to her family. 

The natural blonde had been there physically but showed no interest in anyone or anything besides Oliver. Not even her father and sister. And even with Oliver, interest seemed to be the wrong word for it. She wasn’t paying him any attention. She was simply glued to his side… it was all very strange, and her behavior was very troubling. The reactions from everyone who knew Sara confirmed her suspicion that the way Quentin’s younger daughter was behaving was not normal for her either.

And her hopes concerning Oliver and Felicity’s reconciliation… Oliver didn’t show her daughter any of his usual attention, hardly any at all to tell the truth. Even less than he showed Thea or Laurel whom he showed most of his attention to, but if she were completely honest with herself, his focus was on Sara. And only Sara, at all times. Even when she left the room. He seemed to tense whenever the blonde left his side until she returned to her place right next to him, with one of her hands firmly wrapped around his bicep and the other one gently held in the hand of the arm she was holding on to. Their actions made her wonder about the status of their relationship.

There was something going on here that no one was aware of.

Donna spent most of the afternoon watching the two guests of honor. This was how she noticed everyone pretending that nothing was wrong with Oliver and Sara’s behavior. While throwing each other worried and confused glances whenever they thought Oliver wasn’t looking. It was also this that led to her noticing the way Sara turned ashen and borrowed even further into the muscular man’s side when John Diggle mentioned his daughter. Sara’s hands turned white from the force she used to hold on to Oliver’s arm. She was sure that the young woman’s nails were digging painfully into his flesh. And Oliver’s body tensed noticeably. He was subconsciously drawing Sara closer. Wrapping his arm around her as if he were trying to shield her from the conversation. Why would Oliver want to shield Sara from a conversation about an almost two-year-old that was actually named after the woman in his arms? And why exactly was that? She never did get the story behind the cutie-pie’s name out of anyone.

All of this happened in the span of a minute, right before Oliver stood up to excuse them. This was a very strange and extreme reaction to the conversation about the baby girl that Oliver adored.

Donna let the scene slowly replay in her mind's eye while helping Laurel and Thea clean up their apartment. Oliver had wrapped his left arm around Sara’s shoulder, pulling her close. His right hand had also drawn her closer… no that wasn’t right… His right hand had gone to her stomach, just for a moment before Sara actually pushed it away and he moved it to wrap around the hand that had pushed it away moments ago. What had been going on there?

“Oh, my god!” The plate she had been holding slipped from her hand and shattered on the kitchen floor. His hand had moved to her stomach… to her slightly rounded stomach that was hidden under a loose shirt, and was only made apparent by his hand on it. Sara was pregnant. With what she now assumed to be Oliver’s child, given his behavior. But this realization did nothing to help her understand anything that had happened this afternoon.

“Mom, are you okay?” Felicity touched her arm and looked at her worriedly, so did Laurel, Thea and Quentin right behind her.

“Yes, Hon, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I’m such a klutz!” She tried to smile it off and had to remind herself that it was not her place to tell anyone about the news. It seemed that Oliver and Sara did not want anyone to know about the baby yet. 

Oh, but how was she supposed to keep this from her baby girl? Felicity had come to the conclusion that the way she had reacted to the news of Oliver’s son might not have been the best. And that she might want to get back together with him.

A part of her subconsciously did the math and felt a bit betrayed on her daughter’s behalf. If Sara was showing it meant that she was at least four months along… Felicity and Oliver had broken up less than six months ago…

Oliver was not the type of man who would leave a woman pregnant with his child to her own demise or abandon her. Even less if it was someone that was referred to as one of his oldest and best friends. The woman he had taken on his father’s yacht with him while he had been in a relationship with her sister. A woman he had gotten back together with the moment she had come home after she had been presumed dead.

Sara was very important to him. She had realized that the first time she had heard about her. So, what did this mean for her own daughter? She suddenly felt like Felicity had missed her chance. And that she might have been wrong with her assumption that her daughter was the love of his life.

And yet, they did not seem like the excited, happy parents to be that one would expect from a couple anticipating their first child. If both their reactions to baby Sara were any indication. Or the way Sara pushed his hand away from her pregnant stomach, away from their child.

Something was seriously wrong here, and she was getting worried about the two, well three. This could not be good for the baby, right? Sara’s behavior, or well mental state seemed to be more accurate, was troubling. Or maybe it wasn’t Oliver’s child and that was why she pushed his hand away? Not that it made any more sense. She seemed to trust him. She wouldn’t have acted as an extension of his body if she didn’t. Something was wrong. Very wrong. 

Donna decided then and there that she was going to talk to the two of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little preview, in case anyone's interested:
> 
> https://joeeydee.tumblr.com/post/621108353720074240/whats-wrong-with-us-when-happy-hurts-preview


	5. At the top of my lungs my screams sink to the bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He recalled the moment that changed his life forever as if it were yesterday while staring at Sara’s notes. How she’d been acting strange for a while, but he hadn’t questioned her about it. Trusting that she would confide in him when she was ready. There was no reason to push her. That was until he got back to their hotel room after a trip to the store. To an empty room. And a locked bathroom door. With Sara behind it, throwing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I love Oliver and Sara to death and think that they deserve only all the good things... it's not my fault that they don't agree...
> 
> Just a little warning: This part is pretty heavy. We get into both of their minds, in both the present and the past.

Two months ago:

_Sara’s eyes were fixated on the object in her hands. It didn’t matter that she had long since lost her focus on it. Her thoughts were going a million miles a minute. There were too many to remember them all, but her mind kept on going back to the same ones every couple of minutes._

_How did this happen?_

_How could this have happened?_

_Why was this happening to HER?_

_To THEM?_

_And why now?_

_Maybe in a different life… maybe even the one she’s had before three arrows pierced her chest and sent her tumbling off of a rooftop, just to be swallowed, and then for her empty husk to be spit out by the Lazarus pit, alive but filled with demons._

_If she had made different choices then, if they hadn’t needed the League’s help, if she had stayed with Ollie… maybe… but even then…_

_It was too much, all of this was just too much._

_She felt her lungs constrict, her throat close up, she started to struggle to pull air into her lungs. Black dots started to appear in her vision and still her eyes stayed locked on the object in her hands. Her attempts to draw in air became more desperate until she suddenly felt bile rise where the air couldn’t go. This led to her half leaping, half dragging her exhausted body from her position sitting with her back to the door forward to the toilet. Emptying her stomach of the little content that was inside._

_This was how Ollie found her. The thought of how he got passed the locked door crossed her mind for a moment before her body demanded her full attention again. She registered that Ollie was talking to her, his voice was soothing, but she couldn’t make out the words. His large hand was stroking her back while the other one was moving the hair from her face. She was sure that there was bile in it, but he didn’t seem to mind soiling his hand. It wasn’t until later when her body stopped demanding to get rid of what her empty stomach couldn’t provide that Ollie’s hand left her back. She could see it in the corner of her eye as it moved towards the floor to pick up the object she must have dropped next to the toilet, in her desperation to reach the bowl in time._

_“Sara? What…?” the voice of her most treasured friend was quiet and disbelieving._

_“We fucked up.” Hers to the point and unforgiving, although hoarse from throwing up and lack of air. Because that was the conclusion she reached. They’ve fucked up. For the first time in over ten years they managed to fuck up majorly and irreparably. This was a mess they couldn’t undo. Nothing that could be fixed or avoided or undone. No apology and conversation to make things right again, or at least better. There was no easy fix no matter how much she wanted there to be because there was no choice, no matter what people said. Her hands could not be coated in this particular shade of red. This was one life that she was not able to take. Trained assassin, merciless vigilante, blood hungry demon, ice cold killer… defeated by an unborn child._

_Having a child should be a happy occasion and bring the new parents joy and excitement. Yet all she could feel was dread, numbness and despair, as the realization that she would have a baby set in._

_She couldn’t be a mom. She wasn’t a mom. She was a mess. She was broken._

_Humpty Dumpty who sat on and fell off the Empire State Building instead of a wall. Humpty Dumpty who had more than one fall and kept on falling after every time she got back up. And all the king’s horses and all the king’s man could never, ever put her back together again. She had shattered into too many pieces when she fell after three arrows had pierced her chest. So many pieces that not even the Lazarus pit managed to put them back together again, or it did, but the pieces no longer fit right and some of them got lost forever._

_How was a broken shell of a person, a murderer, a monster supposed to raise a child?_

_She had died, how was she capable of giving life to anything? She was dead inside. Dead things shouldn’t be able to give life. This shouldn’t have been possible. This couldn’t be happening._

_Not now. Not to her. Not to him._

_This must be a nightmare, if not it was a particularly cruel joke the universe was playing on her and Ollie._

_Ollie, her Ollie who had just given up his baby boy to protect him and keep him safe. God, how could this be happening to them? How could she do this to him. She was supposed to take care of him. Help him get better, not make his life worse. But that’s what she always ended up doing. Hurting him even more. Causing him endless pain, suffering and trauma. Making his life more complicated._

_She shouldn’t have convinced him to come travel with her. She should have just left Star after they… after._

_She felt her arms pulling him into her on their own accord. Moving his head to the spot between her shoulder, collarbone and chest, that was his and his alone. Her hand stroking his hair was a reflex springing from a habit that was almost as old as their friendship. One that comforted her just as much as it did him._

_Ollie, her Ollie, she would never be able to understand why he didn’t hate her. She had given him countless reasons to over the years. And yet here he was. Stalwart and true. Always there to comfort and protect her. Her one constant. He meant the world to her. Knowing he was here and that he would always be here no matter what she did to him, the times she tried to break him, tore him apart and ripped his heart to shreds, meant everything. He meant everything._

_How could this be happening to them? Haven’t they suffered enough yet?_

_And why was the universe so cruel to throw an innocent life into the physical and mental war zone they called their existences?_

_\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Oliver sat at the desk in their office looking at the brochures and information pamphlets that they’d been given a couple of hours ago. There were also some notes in Sara’s handwriting amidst all the other official-looking papers. Some of the words on it were underlined, others had circles around them and there were a few that were marked with an exclamation point. But one of her papers with her notes stood out among everything else. All it said was “adoption agencies” followed by a list of names that their consultant at Planet Parenthood had given them.

Oliver took a deep breath and put his head into his hands. This was too much, all of it. The information that they had been given this morning. The decision that they are forced to make. Not that there was any question about what they would choose to do. There was only one right thing to do. And they both knew that, but it didn’t make it any easier. 

And being home meant that their families would eventually find out and not agree with their choice. They would try to get involved with the situation and decision, to try and change their minds. Sara had a clear opinion about that and he knew she wouldn’t budge under the pressure. He wasn’t so sure about himself. He didn’t know what he would do if Thea, Laurel and Quentin ganged up on him. He was sure what the right choice was. He agreed wholeheartedly with Sara, but their families had a way of getting to him and make him do things he didn’t agree with. Sara was stronger in that regard, always had been. Once she made up her mind no one except the woman herself could change it. She never would have left Star to begin with if that weren’t true.

How had they ended up in this situation? Why did life keep on getting more complicated and painful? Would they ever stop being punished for their sins? Why were his innocent children being punished for them now too? This was not fair, it was not his son’s and this baby’s fault that they had him, a monster, as a father.

He recalled the moment that changed his life forever as if it were yesterday while staring at Sara’s notes. How she’d been acting strange for a while, but he hadn’t questioned her about it. Trusting that she would confide in him when she was ready. There was no reason to push her. That was until he got back to their hotel room after a trip to the store. To an empty room. And a locked bathroom door. With Sara behind it, throwing up. He had tried to get her to answer him and open the door. Getting more concerned and agitated by the second when he didn’t receive an answer from her. So, he kicked the door in, knowing that there was no danger to her given the position of the toilet. He hadn’t hesitated to go to her and try to comfort her the moment he got through the door. He had noticed the box on the sink in the corner of his eyes but put it away for later. Sara was more important. He was sure it had been at least an hour later when she finally seemed to have calmed down and he allowed himself to remove his hand from her back to pick up the second object he had noticed but ignored for the time being. His breath had stopped, and his heart fell in his stomach when he saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test in his hand.

All he could remember were Sara’s words: _“We fucked up.”_ The next couple of hours had been a blur until Sara had exhausted herself and had fallen asleep in his arms and he had carried her to the bed:

_Oliver sat on the chair next to the bed, watching Sara sleep. It had taken her hours to fall asleep. Hours in which she cried, cried so hard that she made herself sick again. Hours that she had spent apologizing to him. Telling him how this was all her fault. How everything bad that had ever happened to him was her fault. How she kept on causing him pain and making his life harder. Taking the blame for their current situation. He doesn’t know whether he said something. He remembers nothing he did or possibly said besides holding her in his arms or her holding him, trying to calm her down. He might have cried too, but he’s not sure. Maybe he screamed. He knew that he felt like screaming. Still does. He might ask her when she wakes up. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Their reaction doesn’t change the situation they found themselves in._

_He feels like hitting something. Beating someone up or having someone beat him up. Giving air to his anger or letting physical pain distract him from his emotional one. Anything to stop thinking about this. To forget everything but most of all this unbearable pain he was feeling for just a moment. But he knows he’s not going to go look for trouble. He’s not going to leave Sara alone, not tonight. Maybe not ever._

_Sara was pregnant. He and Sara were having a baby. Which meant another life on his shoulders. Another person he was responsible for. Another target that could be used against him. And this one would be completely helpless and dependent on him. Every life he touched turned to ash… why should their baby’s life be different?_

_Oliver still couldn’t believe this. How? That was the question he kept on coming back to. Over 10 years without a single pregnancy scare. Not one and they spent most of their affair drunk or high or both. And now, now… one night. And they had been careful. They had made sure because they both agreed a baby was the last thing they needed on top of everything else that they were dealing with. A child didn’t fit into their lives, it’s why he gave up his son. Bringing one into the mess that they were calling their lives would be irresponsible._

_They were both seriously fucked up. They couldn’t provide the emotional care and stability that a child required. They barely managed to take care of themselves and they couldn’t be further away from being emotionally healthy if they tried. They both had some serious mental health issues. And not just their PTSD._

_Yet they both agreed on one other thing too. Abortion was not an option. Adding the blood of their innocent, unborn child to their hands was not something either of them could do._

_Killing was one thing, this was something else entirely._

_The only other option would be to give the child up for adoption after… after Sara had shared her body with it for nine months, after she subjected herself to the pain and strain of labor, after they would meet their child, hear its first breaths, first cries, holding it…_

_Letting it go to provide it with the life a child deserved, one they could not give._

_Give up yet another child._

_Could he do that?_

_Giving up William, letting him go, letting him have a save, normal life was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Could he do it again? Could he let another child grow up never knowing who their father was? Risking the child thinking its parents gave them up because they didn’t want them, which was true but not the way a child would assume. Not because they didn’t love it, their situation was too complicated to expect a child to understand it. Understand the difficult position they were put in. They weren’t in a good place. They were both battling their demons and this time around it felt like they were both losing the fight. How could you explain to someone, even less a child, that the reason it was given up was because Mommy was dangerous to everyone including herself and Daddy was so emotionally fucked up that he couldn’t see the point of trying to connect with anyone, let anyone in anymore most of the time? That he felt like he didn’t deserve for people to care about him. That he wasn’t worth it. He was a liar. He destroyed everything he touched. Hurt everyone he loved. He was a monster._

_He had trouble sleeping, forgot to eat regularly. He didn’t even remember that he had to eat too while making sure Sara ate. She literally had to remind him while he was watching her eat. Or couldn’t remember when the last time was he had eaten when she asked after she had a particularly bad day and spent most of it hidden away somewhere trapped in her own mind. How do you explain to someone that they were given up because their parents didn’t want them to be subjected to the horror, trauma, danger and emotional baggage that their lives were?_

_Could he do it? Could Sara?_

_The answer to both questions was a solid yes, for the sake of their baby. But could they live with it? Would this be the choice that would finally break them? He wasn’t sure. Every time he thought of William and the knowledge that he would never see his son grow up made him feel as if his insides were being ripped to shreds. It was the worst pain he had ever felt in his life._

_\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Sara slowly padded towards the living room but stopped at the door to the office when she noticed Ollie in it. He was hunched over the desk. His head in his hands. There was no doubt in her mind that he had been staring at the papers on it for hours.

Probably for as long as she had been asleep. Those hormones were seriously kicking her ass. She was in a permanent state of exhaustion and the smallest things led to her needing to take a nap.

She felt her heart constrict knowing just how much he was struggling with their decision. 

She wished she could do more to help him. But right now, all she could do was make sure that he and everyone else were focused on her while they were in public and take care of him while they were home. And keeping him grounded with her touch, letting him know that he was not alone, that she was there and that she was on his side, always. She had held on to him to ground herself and him too, giving him a small amount of comfort and some of her strength. Knowing that he was doing the same for her.

It was the only way she knew how to shield him from the world, their family and friends. Having them focus on her, keep them from noticing just how bad he was doing, how much pain he was in and therefore keep them from asking him questions he was not ready or willing to answer. Answers they felt he owed them. Answers that weren’t anyone’s business to begin with.

Knowing the extreme emotional impact that the afternoon with his supposed friends had had on him caused her physical pain and made her sick. She still couldn’t believe that Felicity had been there. She couldn’t believe the woman’s audacity after everything she had done to him? The way she had torn out his heart and the negative impact her actions and words had had on his mental health. How could the others have allowed and agreed to this? Did they not realize how hard it would be on Ollie? How difficult an entire afternoon with all of them would be to begin with, even without having the woman who tore him to shreds there? 

She didn’t understand when and how things had come to this. When everything had turned this bad for Ollie. Where had the people who helped and supported him gone? When had his friends turned into enemies? It was almost as if everyone was ganging up on Ollie whenever possible. Telling him just what he was doing wrong whenever the situation would allow it. Letting him know just how bad of a person he was. How he had failed so many. And generally, just telling him that everything bad in everyone’s lives was his fault. As if that wasn’t a conclusion he would reach all by himself.

His friends should be the ones to deny this outrageous claim not knock it into him and confirm his darkest fears.

When had Felicity and Diggle become like this, and why? When had Thea and Laurel decided that water was thicker than blood? What had happened to everyone here during the year she had been dead? 

She had stayed quiet the whole afternoon because she didn’t trust herself. Didn’t trust that she wouldn’t say something that would make the situation even worse for Ollie. They had talked about his and Felicity’s relationship and the breakup. And he had made her promise not to say anything and to not confront Felicity. She seriously regretted making this promise after the previous afternoon. She had spent the time just listening and watching and she hadn’t liked what she saw. Not at all. But it had not been the right time to say something. It might never be… only time would tell.

She and Ollie had had talked about a lot of things during their travels, but they never really talked about what had happened after she had died. All she knew was the information she had gotten from Laurel, Thea and her dad before she had left eight months ago and minor pieces that Ollie had shared in context to his and Felicity’s relationship. Maybe they should have. It was something at the top of her list of things to ask him about. But she had decided to wait until he was doing better. Her unplanned pregnancy had led to her never getting around to asking. This was on her. They should have talked about it before coming back home. So that she knew what she was dealing with and what to expect. It would’ve helped her figure out how to help and protect him from more pain. One more time she had failed him as a friend. She needed to start to make up for every time she had failed him. Protecting him from everyone was the only thing she could currently do to help him.

No, that was not true. There was one more thing… but he might not appreciate it. Was it worth an argument right now? Or should she wait and see how things progressed? Or would it be too late if she waited? There was only one way to find out.

The small blonde squared her shoulders and stepped into the room.

“Ollie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is what happens when you plan to write a nice, happy, fun Canarrow road trip pic after Felicity broke off the engagement. Because you know those two deserve nice things and time to relax.
> 
> And then both Oliver and Sara go:
> 
> "Nope, not happening. We are seriously depressed during this period in our lives and want to add an unplanned pregnancy to the mix... just because we don't have enough shit to deal with yet." 
> 
> Again, I'm so sorry about this. I promise one day I will write the nice, happy, fun Canarrow road trip but until then angst and pain it is...


	6. I don't see you like I should you look so misunderstood I wish I could help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Honestly, would you believe me when I told you that was by far one of the strangest afternoons of my life.” John still wasn’t sure what to make of it all. He felt as if he had stepped into the twilight zone for the last couple of hours. 
> 
> Laurel found herself outside of the apartment less than thirty minutes after she had first stepped into it, faced with an empty hall and a whirlwind of feelings. This had been intense.

Diggle & Lyla:

“And how was it? How’s Oliver?” Lyla looked expectantly at him after he stepped into the kitchen of their apartment. He just came back from Laurel’s.

He took a deep breath before answering his wife, while taking their daughter from her arms to give her a proper hello, he had missed her.

“Honestly, would you believe me when I tell you that was by far one of the strangest afternoons of my life.” John still wasn’t sure what to make of it all. He felt as if he had stepped into the twilight zone for the last couple of hours.

“What do you mean? Because of Sara? Laurel and Thea had mentioned that she was troubled.” Lyla tried to clarify her husband’s answer, he tended to be easily bothered by things which led to him being a little overdramatic and blowing things out of proportion. It was all part of his black and white world view. Which was especially problematic when it came to people like Oliver and Sara that moved entirely in the grey areas, dark and ominous grey sometimes, but it was never black and white for them, or her. She would never have joined Argus if she saw the world in black and white like her husband. Argus lived by the words: “There are people in this world that only deal in extremes, and it would be naïve to think that anything less than extreme measures will stop them”. Amanda Waller’s death had not changed that. Words Oliver used to live by too, or at least to some degree.

John let a fussy Sara down and watched her run away, taking another deep breath to try to gather his thoughts in order to explain everything that had happened that afternoon to Lyla.

“There was something off about Oliver. I mean he pretended to be all right and did an excellent job but there was just something about him that seemed a bit off or wrong even. And Sara…” he exhaled loudly, “man,” he shook his head and took another deep breath, “I don’t know where to start when it comes to Sara. I told you that there was something wrong with her after the whole resurrection, returning of her soul thing but that was nothing compared to now… I swear if I hadn’t known for a fact that it was Sara I would’ve sworn it was someone else, maybe a twin. I don’t know what happened to her in the last eight months and she literally wasn’t talking, not even a hello or goodbye. Oliver talked for her, he even told Laurel what drink her sister currently preferred. It was seriously weird. Sara used to be so straightforward and independent and now she’s mum and glued to Oliver’s side. I swear you could’ve sworn that she was permanently attached to his arm.” Lyla looked at him, very intrigued and worried. He still didn’t know what to make of Sara’s behavior. His mind refused to make the connection between the young, battle hardened but kind hearted and vocal woman he first met more than two years ago and the ghost of a person he saw today. There was no way this was the same person. Something must have happened to her, but he could by god not think of anything that might have led to this huge change in her. What could’ve happened to her that was even worse than anything that had happened to her during her six years away from home? He honestly didn’t want to think about it. So, he changed the subject from one person to another.

“And Oliver didn’t really tell us anything about the five months he was gone either. I swear something happened to him too, but he was just talking about scenery and food, and some knew recipes he wants to try, that were inspired by food that he had tried. Or sleeping under the stars in South Africa. How he never realized how much he had missed that, and the quiet that came with being so far removed from civilization, until that moment. And how great it was to watch the wildlife, that Sara especially enjoyed some strange, colorful birds. He personally preferred the wild cats over the birds. Seriously, it sounded as if they were on safari. But it was all superficial bullshit and he and we all knew it. He didn’t even answer the simple question when he and Sara met up or how long they’ve been travelling together. Something’s wrong here. And experience says nothing good ever comes out of Oliver or Sara keeping secrets.” He suddenly felt exhausted and some dread spreading in his body. The secrets Oliver and Sara shared usually got people killed and led him to question his worldview. 

“Another thing that felt off was the way he treated Felicity. He barely acknowledged her. He greeted her and answered some of her questions, and was friendly overall, but he was mostly ignoring her presence. That doesn’t seem right or like Oliver. Felicity’s usually the center of his attention. So, I’m not sure what he’s playing. I mean, I don’t know if he and Sara are back together… it rubs me the wrong way if they are. Oliver was engaged to Felicity less than six months ago. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her… if he and Sara are back together it would’ve happened really fast. And I don’t think that’s okay or right. And not fair to Felicity. And you know, it’s Sara. It starts to look as if she’d his go to person when he doesn’t have a woman in his life but doesn’t feel like being alone.” Diggle was not amused about his friend’s overall behavior and even less the way he acted towards Felicity. 

“I don’t think you’re being fair to Oliver here, Johnny. Felicity is the one who ended their engagement and refused to give him another chance after he poured his heart out to her and explained the situation. If Oliver chooses that getting back together with one of his exes is what he wants to do, it’s his right and Felicity or you have no say in it. Do I think it’s a good idea? No. Jumping from one relationship into the next rarely ever is. Even less from what you just told me. It seems both Oliver and Sara have a lot of issues they’re dealing with and being in a relationship doesn’t seem to be smart given the circumstances. Then again, they’ve known each other forever and that might play into it and in their favor. I don’t think you’re right when it comes to the two of them but even if you were, Sara is a grown woman. It’s her decision.” Lyla did not agree with her husband’s point of view and felt insulted on Oliver and Sara’s behalf. She really doubted that Oliver was simply using Sara or that Sara, from what she has heard about her, would let Oliver use her. But she could also see that Johnny needed some more time to let it all set and to think about the events and possible implications. So, it was time to change the subject, at least slightly.

“And I told you this morning that I didn’t think it’s a smart idea for Felicity to be there. She’s the reason he left in the first place. So, it’s understandable that she might not be someone he wants to see right away. I don’t think he’s playing anything, that’s not Oliver’s style. He has always been very open and honest with Felicity when it came to his feelings.” Lyla wondered how many similar conversations she’s had with her husband over the last couple of months. Their sides had been clear from the beginning. Johnny had a soft and blind spot for Felicity and therefore judged Oliver especially harsh when it came to the blonde and any wrong doing, real or perceived, on the other man’s side. Lyla had no such blind spot for Team Arrow’s IT genius, she did have a soft spot for her too though, but seriously who didn’t? That didn’t change the fact that she tended to take Oliver’s side in these arguments she has with her husband. And not simply because of fairness, but because she could see Oliver’s side and he was usually right. Felicity had a tendency to let her emotions cloud her judgment and only saw her perspective and expected people to do the same and agree with her. She rarely reflected her actions either. Oliver on the other hand was a survivor and a soldier and a leader. He understood that it was important to take everything into account and that meant every possible outcome and viewpoint. He had lost some of his objectivity and the extreme measures he used to be willing to take to protect his city over the last couple of years. She blamed most of it on Felicity, which didn’t mean that she wasn’t aware of the role Johnny and even Laurel and Thea played in it. Maybe having Sara around would give him his edge back. He needed it as the Green Arrow. And to survive. The scumbags of their city had never been more afraid than back when the Arrow and the Canary ruled the streets and ran the town.

“Dinner’s almost ready. How about you go get Sara and wash up and we postpone the start of the oncoming argument about our friends until later?” She was so not up to have this conversation again, at least not before she had seen Oliver herself and found out what was going on with him and Sara.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laurel:

Laurel walked up the stairs to Oliver’s, and she guessed Sara’s, apartment. Oliver’s choice had surprised her. It was a nice place but not really the one she expected him to pick. It was an old building. The apartment was on the top floor and had its own roof terrace in addition to a balcony that almost stretched the apartments entire lengths and was accessible through several rooms. It had very high ceilings and a lot of ebony-colored beams. It was beautiful, but she had expected Oliver to pick something more modern just like Thea had. It was the apartment with the best view, so why he picked it made a lot more sense now. He had already known that he would share it with Sara when he chose it. And her sister loved a grand view, and the roof terrace gave you the feeling to be high up in a nest just like a bird.

She reached the top and stepped in front of the only door on the floor and rang the doorbell. It only took a short amount of time until the door was opened.

“Hey Laurel, come in.” Oliver stepped aside to let her enter.

“Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Why don’t you go sit down and make yourself comfortable.” He smiled at her and gestured towards the living room.

“Yeah, sure coffee sounds wonderful. Thanks.” She put her jacket on the coat rack and watched her friend walk into the kitchen. She took the time he was gone to look around, it was the first time that she had been to the apartment after Thea, Dig and her had looked at it on Oliver’s behalf over two weeks ago. It looked nice. The furniture looked interesting at first glance, but she had to admit, it was a perfect blend between Oliver and Sara. There were still boxes sitting around and smaller things that would make it more homey that seemed to be missing, for now. But it wasn’t bad given the fact that they’ve only been living in it for two days. You’d never guess. She walked into the living room and sat down on the couch and wondered where her sister was. Oliver had said that he would be out this afternoon and that was why he asked her to come. To spend time with Sara, so why was he here and Sara nowhere to be found? She hadn’t even finished the thought when Oliver showed back up with a tray with two coffees, sugar and some cookies.

“Here you go.” He handed her the coffee, put the tray on the coffee table and sat on the loveseat across from her.

“Thank you.” Laurel added sugar and stirred her coffee. Looking at Oliver expectantly but he didn’t seem to notice or care. She expected him to say something. But just nothing. He was just sitting there, coffee cup in hand, staring out the window behind her. She decided to give him a little more time to say something but after at least ten more minutes had passed with him doing a great imitation of a statue, she decided to break this really weird and awkward atmosphere. Not that she minded sitting in silence with him, but this was different. And strange. She felt she was intruding, and yet he had been the one asking her to come over.

“So…” she started, Oliver’s head turned to her and he blinked for a moment his blue eyes looking confused but at least he seemed to be out of his trancelike state.

“Where’s Sara? You said that you’d have some things to take care of and wanted me to keep her company. And now you’re here and she’s not. Not that I mind spending time with you, not at all. I’m just confused.” She tried to get the situation and her confusion cleared up.

“I’m sorry, Laurel. I meant to call and tell you that you didn’t need to come. I’ll take care of those things another time. It was a terrible idea to do it today. I didn’t think…” He ran his hand through his hair and the end of his explanation was very quiet and he almost appeared to be talking to himself.

She was just about to ask him what it was about today that made it a terrible idea when he continued:

“Sara’s asleep. She’s probably going to be out for at least an hour. You’re welcome to stay if you want to, but you don’t have to. I won’t go anywhere today. So, there’s really no need for you to be here. I’ve got her.” She knew that his words meant to be reassuring, and he didn’t mean to offend her, but he did. There was no need for her to be here? He’s got Sara? So, what? He just assumed that he was the only person Sara needed? That what, she was only good when he needed someone to, what… babysit her sister? Oliver had asked her to come over and spend the afternoon with her sister because he had things to take care of and didn’t want to leave Sara alone. Part of her had scoffed at the idea, Sara was more than capable of taking care of herself and had no issues with being alone, she seemed to actually prefer it. Oliver’s request was highly overprotective. Yet, a part of her reminded her of her sister’s behavior ever since she came back home something was wrong with her and leaving her alone did not seem like a smart decision. So, yeah maybe having her here with her sister made sense. But now that he changed his plans, he just assumed that she would leave, just like that. No questions asked. Sure, no problem. She was just about to give him a piece of her mind when she looked at him again and this time really looked. He looked terrible; worn down and exhausted.

“Ollie, are you okay? What’s going on?” She was worried about him now and decided to shelf her anger for the moment.

“I’m okay, Laurel. Everything’s fine.” He tried to reassure her and gave her a weak smile that was painful to look at.

“Oliver… I kn… Is there something I can do to help? Unpack some boxes while you lie down too? You look tired.” She just barely managed to stop herself from telling him she knew he was lying. This wasn’t the right moment for it. Oliver was exhausted which meant he would blow up at her and they’d end up in a full-blown argument or even shouting match and that was not what he needed right now.

He smiled at her and this time it seemed genuine, still weak, but it was an actual smile.

“Thank you. You don’t have to. We’ll probably get to it later today. But I appreciate the offer.”

“Okay, how about I leave you to it and you promise to call me if there is anything you or Sara need, or I can do to help the two of you… settle in.” She gave him an encouraging smile and got off the couch.

“I will. Thank you, again.” He walked her to the door and told her goodbye, she impulsively gave him a tight hug which he reciprocated just as thigh and she could swear she had heard him whisper another, slightly choked thank you. 

Laurel found herself outside of the apartment less than thirty minutes after she had first stepped into it, faced with an empty hall and a whirlwind of emotions. This had been intense. 

What was going on? And just when would she finally stop wondering that and get some answers instead of more questions whenever she saw Oliver and Sara?

She needed to go see her dad. She didn’t have a chance to talk to him last night and she really needed to. Something was seriously wrong here and maybe he knew what to do or how to help Sara and Oliver… with whatever it was that was bothering them.


	7. On and on I wonder what went wrong inside my head I second guess myself to death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Thursday morning, after another restless night, she concluded that enough was enough and decided to pay the man, responsible for her lack of sleep, a visit after she got his new address from Laurel. 
> 
> What she hadn’t expected was the small blonde opening the door, or said blonde telling her that Oliver was out grocery shopping but that he should be back shortly. And added with a firm voice that she was welcome to come in and wait for him but that she was to stay at least six feet away from her at all times and there was no touching her.

Lyla;

Lyla hadn’t been able to get the conversation she’s had with Johnny, Sunday night, out of her head for days. It had taken them almost finishing dinner and Sara running off to go play for Johnny to finally tell her something about Oliver that she found troubling. Their friend’s highly strange reaction when Johnny had mentioned their daughter. This was by far what worried her the most about everything her husband had told her. She could understand and relate to most of Oliver’s actions, even if Johnny couldn’t. But his reaction to their daughter had kept her up at night. She knew how much Oliver loved their little girl. He was always happy to see or hear about her. He had even come over more often to spend time with Sara after he gave up William and Felicity had ended their engagement. Her daughter had the ability to get Oliver to relax and not only smile but laugh. So why would this have changed in the last five months? 

So, Thursday morning, after another restless night, she concluded that enough was enough and decided to pay the man, responsible for her lack of sleep, a visit after she got his new address from Laurel.

What she hadn’t expected was the small blonde opening the door, or said blonde telling her that Oliver was out grocery shopping but that he should be back shortly. And added with a firm voice that she was welcome to come in and wait for him but that she was to stay at least six feet away from her at all times and there was no touching her. She clarified that it was for Lyla’s own safety. Lyla had agreed and followed Sara into the apartment and to the kitchen where Oliver’s… roommate… girlfriend… was chopping apricots.

“Why don’t you sit at the table. It’s far enough away and adds another layer of safety between us. Would you like something to drink?” Sara turned towards her with a questioning look.

Lyla did as she was instructed and sat down at the end of the table that put the most possible amount of space between them. She was highly confused though. Not because of Sara’s safety rules, no, because the former assassin’s behavior today was in complete contrast to the one she had heard about from last Sunday. Sara was keeping her distance, but she wasn’t withdrawn or mum. She was actually a decent hostess and did a fair amount of talking. 

“A coffee would be nice, but only if it’s no trouble.” She smiled warmly at her.

“No trouble at all. Just give me a minute.” Sara turned away from her and prepared her coffee in silence and with a lot of care. “Here you go, there’s milk and sugar on the tray, I don’t know how you drink it yet.” Sara put a tray with her cup of coffee, a teaspoon, the mentioned milk and sugar and some biscuits on the table between them and slid it towards her end of it.

“Thank you. These biscuits look delicious, where did you get them?” She gave the blonde another warm smile.

“I made them. Ollie does most of the cooking. I do all the baking.” Sara had turned back to the counter and her apricots. “I’m making an apricot pie right now. Ollie went a bit overboard on Tuesday after I told him that I was craving them. So, I need to use them in some way before they go bad.” Sara explained.

They spent the next couple of minutes in silence. Lyla didn’t know what to say. She and Sara had never spent any time together, so she wasn’t sure what to say or how to act around her. And the blonde didn’t seem to be bothered by her presence or silence.

“You can take some home with you if you stay until it’s done.” Lyla was jolted from her thoughts by the unexpected addition to their former conversation and the offer.

“Thank you, I’m sure Johnny and Sara would love to get some pie for dessert. I’m sorry that Sara and I weren’t able to join you guys last Sunday.” It felt strange to refer to her daughter by her name while talking to the woman they named her after. It was the first thing that sprang to her mind. She wasn’t sure why. Probably because of all the time she had spent thinking about Oliver, and her daughter, and the previous Sunday during the last couple of days. “I know she would’ve loved to see Oliver again and finally get to meet you.” The brunette continued.

“It’s fine, really.” She could see the other woman’s hands were shaking at her sides. And she noticed that she seemed to struggle not to cry, taking very deep breaths in order to calm herself.

Lyla easily noticed the sudden change in the blonde’s demeanor, and it worried her to no end. This was strange, the same strange that Johnny had told her about and that had brought her to be in their apartment in the first place. She had to hold on to the table to keep herself from rushing over to the distraught woman and folding her into a comforting hug. But Sara had made the rules, to her staying here waiting for Oliver, very clear when she let her in. Keeping the physical distance between them was rule number one, according to Sara. And Lyla was smart enough not to go against the instructions of a former assassin and knew rushing over to her could be potentially fatal.

“Sara, what is it?” She tried to convey as much compassion and comfort in her voice as possible to make up for the lack of comforting physical contact. How did she end up in this situation? She didn’t know Sara nearly well enough to know how to act in a situation like this. Or how to comfort her. The blonde seemed to be the type of woman that doesn’t get emotional easily and won’t break down in front of practical strangers. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do given the list of rules Sara had given her, but she knew Oliver would never forgive her if he came back while Sara was crying, and she was just sitting here doing nothing.

“It’s okay… I’m okay,… I’m okay…” She sounded less and less convincing the more she was repeating the words and her voice seemed close to breaking towards the end. Lyla knew an emotional breakdown when she saw one and Sara was only a hairsbreadth away from breaking.

“Sara, I’m going to slowly walk over to you now, okay? And then I will reach out and touch your arm.” She then proceeded to do what she had told the younger woman and carefully moved towards her. Ensuring that she wasn’t making any sudden movements. Lyla softly put her hand on Sara’s arm once she was within reach. This led to Sara finally looking up and Lyla found herself trapped in ocean blue eyes that were swimming in tears and conveyed more pain, sorrow and despair than she had ever seen on anyone before. Her breath hitched, and she didn’t know what to do. She wanted to look away but was incapable to do so. The look in her eyes was too old for a 28-year-old. She didn’t know how long they’ve just been standing there looking into each other’s eyes until Sara closed hers for an instant before reverting them again. Looking away from her and taking another deep, shuddering breath.

“I’m pregnant.”

Lyla wasn’t sure if she had heard right and reflexively dropped her hand from Sara’s arm from the shock of the revelation. Waiting for her to continue but she didn’t, she just kept on staring past her. Lyla turned around to see what she was looking at and noticed that the entrance door was right in Sara’s view. Was she hoping Oliver would walk through it? Was she trying to summon him by sheer force of will? She hoped so and that it would work. She was in over her head right now. What was she supposed to do or say? Why would Sara tell her that? They barely knew each other, so why would she confide in her and not her sister or father.

“I… ahm… okay… I’m not sure…” She turned silent again, not knowing how to proceed or what to say.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I don’t expect you to. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spring this on you. I just… I just needed to tell someone that’s not Ollie and you’re the only person, besides my mom, I know who has been through this so… telling you seemed to make sense. Besides, you named your daughter after me for some reason. I really don’t know why or what I’ve done to deserve that honor. Ollie’s told me a lot about her. She brings him so much joy.” Sara’s voice was still shaky, but she seemed to have gather some of her composure and there was a tiny smile that graced her lips when she mentioned the joy her namesake brought Oliver.

“I’m sorry. I did not expect this. My reaction was probably not what you needed. Of course you can talk to me about the pregnancy. I’d be happy to try to answer any questions you have.” She regained her composure too. And chastised herself for the way she’s been behaving from the moment Sara had opened the apartment door. She was the head of ARGUS for crying out loud. She should be better at this. An amateur would’ve managed a better job than she did.

Sara gave her a grateful, brief smile.

“Thank you. I’ve been reading up on things. Like what to eat and not to eat, but there are a lot of differing opinions on the matter. So, I was just wondering what did you eat and how did you behave during your pregnancy? Sara’s a healthy and happy child from what Ollie told me, and there’s a lot of literature on how a woman’s emotions or stress and environment can have a negative impact on the baby, how… how did you… I don’t… I don’t want that for the baby. I don’t want it to get all this baggage because of me… to end up messed up because I am, but I don’t know how… how can I stop worrying? Were you stressed or worried during your pregnancy? How can I keep my emotions from affecting the baby? How did Sara turn out to be such a joyful child, what can I do to make sure that this baby will be a happy child too?” Lyla could feel her heart break during the mother-to-be’s ramble and Sara looked at her with such fear and despair and she didn’t know what to tell her. How to comfort her. But she knew that she wanted to. She wanted to ease her fear and pain more than anything. She looked so lost and fragile and it reminded Lyla of just how young she was and how much she has been through in her life already. All she wanted to do in that moment was protect her and help her. Was that the same effect she had on Oliver?

“Have you seen a doctor yet?” She decided to start with something easy. Because she unfortunately didn’t have the answers Sara was seeking.

“No, no, I haven’t. Ollie and I had an appointment at Planet Parenthood on Monday, but that was just to look at our options. They offered to examine me but… I’m… I’m not comfortable with strangers touching me. Even less intimately… so I haven’t… I couldn’t… Ollie understands. He worries, and he’s right I should have someone make sure that the baby’s okay, but I just can’t… not after the Freighter and Lian Yu or the League… but I think Ollie might have a solution soon, he’s been mulling something over for a while. I think he’ll be ready to bring it up with me soon.” Sara graced her with another one of her rare smiles while talking about Oliver.

Sara’s revelations and the trust she seemed to put in her stunned Lyla. She had always assumed that Sara might have been a victim of sexual assault, just from some of the things Johnny and the others had told her about her mindset and actions. She had gone after sex offenders when she first came to Star City. And she had been left alone on Lian Yu for some time after ARGUS had rescued Oliver until Nyssa had found and, from what she was told, saved her. There was no question what might’ve happened to a beautiful young woman left alone on an Island with dangerous men with a grudge against her. The same concept applied to the League of Assassins. She was certain none of their friends or her family had dared to entertain that thought, except for Oliver who seemed to know the exact truth. She wondered what solution he would come up with to solve that very delicate issue.

“May I ask… you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. How far along are you... or you know just approximately.” Lyla wondered, given Sara’s statement that they were at Planet Parenthood to discuss their options, those changed depending on how far the pregnancy had progressed.

“It’s okay, seventeen weeks. No approximately. Ollie and I aren’t… it was a onetime thing. We were both feeling lonely and just seeking comfort in each other. We would’ve reconsidered that idea if we’d known the outcome.” Sara bit her lip worriedly after her last statement, as if she were expecting her to react badly to it. She was just about to reply when they heard the front door open and close again.

“Sara? I stopped at Patty Shack’s on the way back, got you your favorites.” Oliver’s voice grew louder the closer he came.

“Lyla, hi. What brings you here?” Oliver looked at her surprised once he reached the kitchen and noticed her standing next to Sara. “I mean, it’s good to see you. I missed you.” He put the groceries and the bag from Patty Shack’s on the table and came over to enfold her in a tight, warm hug that she happily returned.

“It’s good to see you too, Oliver. We missed you.” She gave his arm an affectionate squeeze when they separated, and he turned around to kiss Sara’s forehead.

“How are you doing?” His voice was soft and affectionate.

“I’m okay, Lyla’s been very helpful, we should have her over more often.” Lyla watched the two interact and the intimacy that their touches and looks conveyed.

“Well, she can move in as far as I’m concerned if she helps you feel better. No, joking aside, you’re always welcome here, Lyla.” Oliver smiled at Sara and then turned around and winked at her. Lyla had to laugh about his antics and statement. She had to admit to herself that she would enjoy spending more time with Sara.

“I told her. I was overwhelmed for a moment and Lyla was worried. So, I told her. She has been very understanding and offered to try to help us with any questions that we have.” Lyla did not expect that turn of events.

Oliver’s back tensed and he turned back towards Sara, cocking his head and then turning back towards her.

“I won’t say anything, Oliver. I promise. I just want to help you, however I can.” She hoped this would ease his worry and tension. It seemed to work because he relaxed his shoulders shortly after, turned back around and placed his hand on Sara’s cheek.

“She helped you calm down? Ease some of your fears?” He nearly whispered.

“Yeah. She did. She comforted me, even touched me and it was okay, I was okay.” Sara’s voice was as quiet as Oliver’s and he looked at her for another minute before nodding his head and facing her again.

“Thank you, Lyla. It means a lot.” He smiled at her and touched her arm gratefully.

“You’re welcome. Anytime.” She returned the gesture, before Oliver turned towards the kitchen table and started to put the groceries away.

“Sara mentioned that she had questions concerning a special diet. I have some inputs on that but it’s important that you find a doctor both of you trust and that will confirm what I will tell you. What was right for me and my pregnancy might not be right for you and your pregnancy. Okay? Why don’t we sit down and discuss food? And what you can expect the next couple of weeks.” Lyla looked at the parents-to-be questioningly.

“That sounds like an excellent idea, thank you.” Oliver smiled at Lyla and gestured towards the living room, “and I’ve been thinking about our doctor issues. Sara, I would like you to meet our friend Caitlin Snow. I think you’ll like her, and she’s very understanding and has a calm demeanor. You can decide whether you feel comfortable with her after. What do you think?” then turned to Sara to share his thought.

“That sounds like a plan. Why don’t you call her after Lyla leaves?” Sara agreed before she got her notebook from the office and followed Lyla into the living room where they were joined by Oliver who brought them their drinks and the food from Patty Shack’s.


	8. No one told me it could get this bad, this fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell was going on here and had happened to his baby? He swore then and there that he would find out before the afternoon was over. 
> 
> It only took him about an hour and a half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, unfortunately work and obligations led to me not being able to write the last couple of days. That led to that hated moment when I have major muse but can't write because I have places to be and obligations which lead to hours of not being able to write my thoughts down and once I get around to it everything feels wrong... so I'm not that happy with this chapter, I feel my original thoughts had been better but they're gone and there's nothing I can do about that. So here it is, I hope you'll like it.

Quentin;

Quentin was on his way to Laurel’s apartment. She had called him and asked him to come over. That Thea and she were worried about Oliver and Sara and that they were wondering what his thoughts on the pair's strange behavior was.

Quentin decided to take the stairs up, that would buy him some time. He had been thinking about what to tell the two young women from the moment Laurel had called him. 

He was pretty sure he knew what was going on with them or part of it, well at least when it came to Sara, but he wasn’t sure what to tell Laurel and Thea. He had considered dropping in on Oliver and Sara, before meeting his older daughter and her roommate, to confirm his suspicion and ask them what to tell their respective sister. The only reason he didn’t was because Laurel had also told him that she had been to their apartment earlier today, and the state she had found Oliver in. They didn’t seem to be up for company or answering any of his questions. He was sure, or he hoped that, they would come to him in time and tell him what was going on. So, he tried to give them the time they needed. They had only been back for three days, after all. They could probably use some time to settle in without constantly being bothered by people. 

They had agreed to the meeting on Sunday afternoon, even though neither Sara nor Oliver had seemed up to it. And Quentin was sure it had simply been to keep up the appearance of normalcy and fulfilling everyone’s expectations. 

Quentin stopped on the landing before his daughter’s floor, taking a deep breath. Still not knowing what he should tell Laurel and Thea. He replayed the important parts of the last two days once again, hoping that this time around he would finally be able to figure out what to do once he reached Laurel’s front door.

_He had to admit that it had surprised him and that it left him a little wary when Laurel had called, letting him know that Oliver had come home and that he had brought Sara with him. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy to have his youngest daughter back home._

_Of course he was. He would never let her out of his sight again if it were up to him._

_What surprised him was that she had come home at all. She had been very firm in her stance, that she was a danger to everyone, before she had left eight months ago. And he unfortunately had to agree with her. She had also stated that she would not come back home until she found a way to control her “blood lust”._

_What Laurel told him pretty much confirmed that Sara had not yet managed to do that, or she didn’t think she had. So why did she come home? He knew that his baby would never willingly and knowingly put anyone she cared about in danger. It was why she had left Star City the same night he had found out that she had survived the sinking of the Queen’s Gambit. She had known that the League of Assassins had been after her and that her family would be in danger if she stayed. Well, as it turned out they had been in danger anyway, but he was sure that Laurel, Dinah and he would have been targeted sooner if Sara had stayed._

_Quentin knew his daughter and how stubborn she was, and he also knew that not even Oliver, who seemed to get through to her when no one else could, was able to change her mind once she had made it up. The young man hadn’t wanted her to leave that night, or the night she had left Star right before Moira was murdered, or after the Siege when she rejoined the League and he knew for a fact that Oliver had not been happy or agreed with her choice to leave once again all these months ago. Yet, she still had left, and Oliver hadn’t stopped her, because even if he hadn’t agreed with or liked her choice he had known that there was truth to Sara’s words and that her leaving would be the safest option for everyone in Star City._

_So what had changed?_

_Donna and Felicity had chosen to join and catch a ride with him to Laurel’s. He was thankful for the distraction the two women provided. He had mixed feelings concerning today’s gathering and wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Not after Laurel told him what Oliver had told them about Sara the day before. His baby still didn’t trust herself around people, she still thought she was dangerous, and she kept her distance from people and didn’t like to be touched by anyone… except for Oliver, apparently._

_Oh, why did he have the feeling this was going to be a disaster?_

_He had tried to tell Laurel that maybe they should make it just the family; Thea, Laurel, Oliver, Sara and himself and then at another time add the rest of the group. But Laurel told him it was fine, that Oliver had told them it was fine when they let him know that everyone was coming._

_Maybe Sara wouldn’t come, maybe it would only be Oliver. That would make sense and would probably be safer. He would love to see Sara. He just wasn’t sure that a group setting was a good idea, or the best choice for his baby, given the circumstances. He had seen her after she was brought back from the dead, and he had seen her lose control after she had regained her soul. This was dangerous, if Sara still couldn’t control herself. Well, Oliver could probably contain her, but he wasn’t sure it was a risk worth taking. He really hoped that his daughter and Oliver knew what they were doing._

_They reached Laurel’s before he knew it and were welcomed by the two hosts._

_Donna had been very excited, energetic and slightly nervous from the moment she had learnt that Sara was home and that after eight months she finally had the chance to meet her. She had a way of making him smile and her genuine excitement and interest in both his daughters, and Sara in particular, warmed his heart._

_Felicity on the other hand appeared to be extremely nervous and unsure whether she should be here. And he had to agree with her initial refusal to come and disagree with Donna’s insistence and insurances that Oliver would be happy to see her and that they just needed to spend some time together and talk to figure things out._

_It had taken Felicity a while and a lot of conversations with Donna, Laurel, Thea and some of their friends from Central City to admit that she might have slightly overreacted when breaking her and Oliver’s engagement off and that maybe she should just have taken some time to think about everything. She was still insistent that she was right with most of what she had said, but she agreed that she might have been unjust towards Oliver. Her stance on the matter and insistence that she had not been wrong was a testament to just how young she was. He knew that Sara was only about two years older than Felicity, but Sara had had to grow up fast after the Gambit sank. He sometimes wondered if she would be more like Felicity if she had never gotten on that damn boat. If she would still have the same naivete, innocence and black-and-white-worldview Felicity portrait. Well, there was no point in what if’s. His baby was a hardened warrior that had been through too much in her young life, and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. He hadn’t been able to protect her from the horrors of the world and he still couldn’t protect her from what was happening to her now but he would make damn sure that nothing like what Sara had been and was going through would happen to Laurel, Thea or Felicity, not on his watch. And not if he could help it._

_Quentin was brought back to the present when he heard Donna and John Diggle reassure Felicity that Oliver will be happy to see her and that she had no reason to worry. He didn’t agree with them and from the looks of it neither did Thea. Laurel seemed to be torn whether she should agree with Donna and Diggle or Thea and him._

_He had known Oliver for over twenty-years, and he was pretty sure that he would probably not really appreciate having his ex-fiancé here. Would he say something and tell her? No, probably not. Would he go out of his way to make her feel comfortable? That depended entirely on the mood he was in._

_The doorbell rang before he could do anymore musing and Thea went and opened it. Letting her brother and his daughter in._

_And just like that, the mood changed._

_Quentin knew that Laurel and Thea had told the others of Sara’s condition, and yet both Felicity and Diggle seemed surprised when Oliver walked in first, holding on to his daughter’s hand and shielding her like a bodyguard would shield his charge. But he had to admit, it surprised him when Oliver refused to let go of Sara’s hand while receiving hugs all around. Or when Sara stayed quiet and at her former lover’s side, holding on to him at all times. He had been very taken aback when Oliver actually spoke for his baby and told Laurel what she wanted to drink, and exactly how to make her chamomile tea and how much honey to put in it. He did see the tiny, affectionate smile the blonde gave him after. That was not like his independent daughter at all. He had expected her to tell him off, and that she was capable of talking for herself, thank you very much. Like she would’ve and used to back when they were kids. Not give him an affectionate and grateful smile. What the hell was going on here and had happened to his baby? He swore then and there that he would find out before the afternoon was over._

_It only took him about an hour and a half._

_It didn’t take him long to notice how Oliver tensed every time Sara left his side. At first, he had thought it was because he worried about her, and he was still sure that was part of it, but with time he had realized that every time his daughter left the muscular man’s side, he would not only tense up but his right hand would take up the nervous tick he had noticed the Green Arrow have years ago. He would flex his fingers as if he were holding his bow and arrow. Oliver tensed up the same way the Green Arrow did whenever he was preparing to go to battle. And he would stay in a state of battle readiness until Sara returned. She always lifted her hand and put it on the nape of his neck, then slowly moved it between his shoulder blades, where she kept it for a moment, then continue over his shoulder until she held on to his bicep again and laced the fingers of her other hand with his. Oliver would relax the moment her fingertips made contact with his skin, and his nervous tick would stop immediately._

_It was around the third time he watched the silent exchange between those two that he thought he finally understood the message behind his daughter’s actions. Sara was reassuring Oliver, letting him know that she was here, that she was by his side, on his side, that he wasn’t alone. Oliver wasn’t tensing up because Sara was out of his sight and protection like he first assumed, Oliver tensed up because Sara was leaving him alone with everyone. Because he was uncomfortable being alone with all of them without Sara next to him. But why?_

_Quentin wasn’t stupid or half as oblivious as his daughters and their friends sometimes liked to think he was. He was a former detective and finding clues, mulling them over and putting them together until they made sense, used to be a part of his job. A job he had performed longer than his daughters had been alive. He also knew that he used to be able to pride himself of being an excellent husband and father._

_At least until that fateful day the usually very composed Moira Queen showed up at his doorstep, uncharacteristically distraught. Bringing him news that would shatter his entire world._

_That was why he knew his daughters. And Dinah. Add the simple truth that Sara was her mother’s daughter, always had been, and not just when it came to her character but also to her physique. And the mystery almost solved itself._

_His baby looked exhausted and fragile, but at the same time very healthy. Her usually very slender, fit and muscular frame was replaced with soft curves, hidden under a loose sweater but still obvious to anyone who knew what to look for, her face was a little rounder than usual and there was a healthy glow to it and her cheeks were a nice rosy color. She was drinking chamomile tea with honey, and what he presumed was beet root juice, given its color, that she had brought in her own bottle._

_Those were beverages that Dinah used to drink during both of her pregnancies._

_The chamomile tea had helped her against the nausea and the beet root had helped her boost her energy and was a natural way to manage blood pressure and blood sugar. Sara’s frequent bathroom trips confirmed his suspicions._

_His baby was pregnant._

_His baby was having a baby._

_He hoped for Queen’s sake that it wasn’t his and if it was he better be serious and commit to his daughter and their child._

_The heir to the Queen name had only recently come out of a very serious relationship. He should not be involved with anyone right now. Even less one of his daughters. Or in a serious enough capacity that led to a child._

_The one thing that he had not yet managed to figure out, to his utter frustration, was the status of the two parents-to-be’s relationship. And that bothered him. He wanted to know the situation and environment his grandchild would grow up in._

_Oliver should not be in a relationship and he should not be having a child, not after everything that had happened with Felicity and his son, whom he had given up in order to protect him. Quentin could understand and respect that, but it also worried him regarding his pregnant daughter and his grandchild._

_His cop’s and father’s intuition told him that this was not going to end well._

_Quentin was still trying to figure out why Oliver would feel uncomfortable around his sister and friends and what the situation concerning the pregnancy was when the objects of his musings suddenly stood up and excused themselves._

_So, he had been right, given the expectant parents’ reaction to the mentioning of little Sara Diggle. There was more to the pregnancy, just as he had suspected, and all signs pointed towards those things not being of the good or happy kind. He watched them leave with a contemplative look and a heavy heart. Hoping once again that they knew what they were doing and that everything would turn out all right. Even if a part of him reminded him, it never did where Sara and Oliver were concerned._

Quentin was still standing on the landing, no closer to figuring out what to tell the two women expecting him than before. It wasn’t his place to tell Laurel and Thea about the very high possibility that they would soon be aunts. But he wasn’t sure Sara and Oliver were up to telling people themselves. They could’ve done it yesterday. Everyone besides Lyla had been there. It would’ve been the perfect moment. But they hadn’t. They hadn’t gone out of their way to hide the pregnancy, but they also made sure that it wasn’t obvious. And he was sure no one besides him and Donna had figured it out. He dragged his hand over his face and sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I managed to capture Quentin right but I've been reading an rewriting this chapter numerous times and I don't think I'll manage to make it better in the next couple of days if ever which is why I chose to post it.


	9.  I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things, I'm trapped here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not being sure whether he wanted to put his suit back on was one of the reasons why he had stayed away from the Bunker this long. Felicity was the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the long wait.  
> I had some serious trouble figuring out the POVs for this chapter, tried like 5 different ones until I found the right voices for it. Plus I am currently not able to use my mac and the keyboard on my laptop is broken and adds extra keys with some of the letters so it's a pain to write on it. Which means I had to write most of it on my cell phone that was not ideal either.  
> Anyways I'm really sorry. I hope you enjoy it and it was worth the wait.
> 
> Warning this one gets really dark in Sara's part. Mentions of what happened to her before Nyssa saved her on Lian Yu. Implied sexual assault.

**Felicity**

Oliver was supposed to show up at the Arrow cave today. For the first time since he’s been back. 

Which means that it had taken Oliver more than a week, to step into the Bunker for the first time since his return. She knew that Dig, Laurel and Thea had brought the subject of the Green Arrow up with him on several occasions. She couldn’t understand why it took him this long to agree to come down here and put his suit back on. 

Laurel had texted her to let her know, that Oliver planned to stop by this afternoon and she had made sure to be here. She needed to talk to him. 

Alone. 

She knew that Laurel was stuck in court and Thea was busy with some college classes, she had decided to take after Oliver had left Star City. And Dig was taking baby Sara to her toddler class. So, she knew that they would be alone until everyone came down to suit up for the night and that wouldn’t be until much later. 

Felicity was understandably nervous. Sunday had not gone as expected. Not that she had expected Oliver to welcome her with open arms, but she had expected more of a reaction from him and a warmer hello. She had never thought that he would just give her the cold shoulder. Not after the way he had tried to make things up to her just a few days before he had left. She had been sure he would at least be happy to see her again. Maybe he just… he just what? Was too distracted by Sara snuggling up to him all afternoon? 

Felicity realized that she was being unfair to Sara the moment she thought it. It was very obvious that Sara was not okay. Not at all. And she wasn't actually snuggling up to Oliver. She wasn't sure what she had been doing honestly. Sara and Oliver had never been known for their PDA while they had been dating. So this was strange. Something was really wrong with her and of course she would turn to Oliver given their past and he would help her. 

She had been surprised when Laurel and Thea had told them that Oliver had brought Sara home with him. Surprised but happy. She had never gotten around to talk with her before she had left Star and she was looking forward to it. She had been a little taken aback by her two friends’ explanation of Sara’s behavior, but it did make sense given what they knew about the blood lust. So, she had been ready to stay back and not give her a hug like she usually would and expected Sara to… well not sulk in the corner but keep her distance from everyone. What had never even crossed her mind was Sara sticking to Oliver’s side at all time. She did not expect for Oliver to hold his supposedly ex-girlfriend’s hand, and she meant that literally, at all times. 

That turn of events had completely taken her by surprise and she had to admit, that she did not like it at all. 

She was reminded of the time Sara first joined Team Arrow. She had been taken by surprise then too. Not that Sara joined them, but that Oliver and Sara not only resumed their relationship but did it pretty much right away. She couldn’t really grasp what was going on. Not after Oliver had spent more than a year chasing after Laurel. She had of course noticed the changes in Oliver when it came to Laurel after Tommy had died, and she and Dig had brought him back from Lian Yu, at least that’s when she thought those had happened. Looking back now she realized that yes, things had sort of changed then but he only stopped showing any kind of romantic interest in Laurel after he found out that Sara was still alive. 

She had been jealous of Sara then, for more than one reason. She remembers telling Dig that it hadn’t been about seeing Oliver and Sara together but that hadn’t been entirely true. Part of it had been because of it. She hadn’t expected that. And neither had Dig. As far as they had been concerned the affair with Sara had been a stupid mistake Oliver had made. One he regretted. That didn’t really mean anything to him. Because he was in love with Laurel. And the five years away just made him realize that. That was the story he had told them for more than a year. So how were they supposed to expect that?

What had hurt even more had been the fact that he had told her after Russia and Isabel, that he shouldn’t be with someone he really cared about because of what he did as the Arrow. And yet, he had turned around and forgotten all about it the moment Sara had decided to stay in Star City. It was obvious that she was someone he cared about deeply.

She had come to realize over the years that Sara had a pull and power over him that no one else seems to have. Not Laurel and, she begrudgingly had to admit, not even she herself. There were no lengths Oliver wasn’t willing to go to, nothing he wasn’t willing to do for the younger Lance sister. 

So, it had been a natural reaction to wonder whether the two of them had gotten back together, given their cozy behavior at Laurel’s. They hadn’t according to Dig. That had been a relieve. 

She had spent the last week thinking about what she should tell him. She hadn’t been sure if she should bring up the fact that she had spent a lot of time thinking about the way she had ended things with him five months ago and that she regretted it. Ending things that is, not telling him what she did. She stood by her words and everything she had said to him. But she had reached the conclusion, that they could work it out and get back together like he wanted, if he agreed to be completely honest with her, include her in all his decisions and agreed to not keep any secrets from her. She couldn’t see how he wouldn’t agree to her very reasonable demands. And now after Dig had ensured her that no, Oliver was not back together with Sara, she was sure that she had to tell him. And that things would go her way. After all Oliver always ended up seeing things her way and coming back to her in the end. 

So, all she needed was for him to show up alone so that she could talk to him.

‐---------‐-------------------------------------

**Oliver**

Oliver was on his way to the Bunker after a long conversation with Sara and ensuring that she would be fine alone for an hour or two. He had no intention of putting his leathers on tonight. He just went to see what everyone had to say and what had been going on in his city during the months he’ d been away. If Hive was still active and what Ruvé’s been doing. He had been avoiding this for as long as he could but Thea, Dig and even Laurel were getting impatient. He wasn’t sure if the Green Arrow was something he still wanted to be. Wasn’t sure everything it cost him was worth the results. Sara had given him some valid inputs and great points to think about and consider. 

Not being sure whether he wanted to put his suit back on was one of the reasons why he had stayed away from the Bunker this long. Felicity was the other. 

He was not sure he was ready to face her again. Not with everything else that has been going on. 

Sara and he had been looking at the different adoption agencies they’d been given. Comparing them to find the one they felt fit. Plus, they were still trying to figure out whether they wanted an open or closed adoption. Closed would be saver for the baby but open gave them a chance to make sure it was doing okay…

He had also contacted Caitlin and she had agreed to come to Star over the weekend, so Sara could get to meet her and would have time to get to know her and decide if Barry’s personal physician was someone she could trust with her body.

Oliver wasn’t blind or stupid. He knew that Felicity had tried to connect, and even flirt with him that afternoon at Laurel’s. He just wasn’t sure what it was about or what it meant and she was trying to do. Not after everything that had happened, and she had said before he had left all those months ago. But he knew that it wasn’t something he was strong enough to deal with right now. Just thinking about her made him feel anxious and the thought of her trying to talk to him alone and broach the subject of their breakup was pushing him towards a panic attack. So, he forced himself to think back to earlier this evening to calm himself down.

_Oliver stopped stroking Sara’s hair and lifted his hand from her head to pick up his cell phone, after it vibrated to let him know about a new text message. He checked the display and saw that it was another text from Thea. She had been texting him a couple of times every day since Sunday. He had answered her texts and even called her once. He was grateful that she gave him time to settle in and told him the night after the gathering that she understood that he and Sara needed some time to 'arrive' and he should let her know if they needed help or company. It had been the only time she mentioned hanging out together. He was so very thankful for her understanding and the time and space she gave him. He opened the message and saw that she was once again asking if he was coming to the Bunker tonight, to suit up with them. He sighed, put the phone back on the coffee table and ran his hand over his face. Well, except for when it came to that._

_“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s your choice. Don’t let them force you into doing something you don’t want to.” He had to smile when he heard Sara’s tired voice and moved his hand from his face to look at her, expecting her to be staring at him. Yet, she was still in the same position with her head resting on his thigh and her eyes closed. She had fallen asleep shortly after the movie they were watching had started and he was wondering now how long she’s been awake. They’ve taken up watching TV together to try and distract themselves from their thoughts. It was sort of working, some of the time._

_“I know. I just don’t know what I want to do. This is our home and I want it to be saver, better but I don’t know if I can keep doing this. If I can still go out every night and fight for it. Being the Green Arrow means losing the parts that are Oliver Queen, I knew that when I started, I was okay with that but along the way I lost so much more than I could've ever imagined because of it. I had to give up so much because of it and I just don’t think I have anything left to give the people of Star City. I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore.” Oliver had stared at the wall while trying to put his feelings into words, sighed after he was done and turned his eyes back on Sara, and was graced with her concerned, yet understanding ocean blue hues reading him._

_“You tried to leave the Arrow behind twice before already and let Felicity and Dig or Thea and Laurel drag you back into it, mostly against your will from what you told me. The Arrow is part of who you are Ollie, just like the Canary is part of who I am. I’m not saying you need to go back in the field, we both know I won’t be going back anytime soon and it’s not just because of the baby. Maybe you need to remember why you put on the hood in the first place, what it was YOU wanted to do and figure out what you want to do now if you were to put the hood back on. Not what everyone else wants you to do or be.” Sara had taken her time gathering her thoughts and she was obviously choosing her words carefully, he cocked his head listening to her musings and had to admit not for the first time, that people underestimated her a lot. She was one of the smartest people he knew, and she understood humans in a way not many did. And she knew him better than he knew himself, what she said made sense._

_He spent some time reflecting on his friend’s words, he had gone back to stroking her hair and Sara had taken the remote and was looking for something to watch._

_He had a clear goal, a plan when he first came home, when he first put on Shado’s hood. He had strayed from it years ago and things just kept on getting worse in the city he called his home_.

_Maybe going back to the list would help. The cancer that had infected his city was still spreading, sometimes he felt even faster and worse than before. He no longer even felt like he was fighting the symptoms of the disease anymore, more like the side effects of the drug numbing the pain the disease brought with it. But going back to the list was not something Diggle or Felicity would react kindly to. And Laurel and Thea probably wouldn’t agree with it either._

_He would go, meet with them, listen to what they had to say and had been going on lately and then do some research on his own. Talk to Sara about it and think about everything before making a decision._

\---------------------------------------------------

**Sara**

It wasn’t just the knowledge that some of her memories seemed to be missing. It was also the fact that she did have memories that no longer fit. She knew they happened but the proof for them was missing.

Her body no longer represented her life. Her body was no longer a canvas of everything that had happened to her, that she remembered. And it wasn’t just the scars from her time in the League. The scars she had gotten as a child were gone too, the one she got after falling off a small wall she had been balancing on when she was five. Or the one she got after she fell off a tree and broke some bones in her foot when she was eight. Or the ones she got after a dare from Ollie and Tommy gone wrong.

All gone.

Her body was a blank canvas, and her mind had trouble making the connection. Her mind, her memories told her that her body should be painted with scars, yet there were none. And it was as if her mind kept on sending error signals because it couldn’t be her body if it didn’t fit her mind. And her body kept on trying to tell her brain that it was hers, but the memories were wrong. And all of this had been confusing and draining enough even before adding the child growing inside of her. A child she was sure probably would never have been able to come into existence if her body had still fit her memories. She was sure that there had been too much damage done to her and her organs, for a life to grow inside of her and her mind knew that. Kept on trying to remind her of that and deny the implications but her body told her differently. The person growing inside of her was proof her mind was wrong. She was providing life. She had the shape and memories of a warrior, but her body was that of the girl that she once was before she chose Ollie over Laurel. And paid the price, for the sins and the betrayal her choice brought with it, in blood. 

And the more of her memories returned the more confused her body and mind got. She was sure sometimes that she was going crazy. There had been moments when she had wondered, if just replicating her former scars would ease her mind. Or would it make it worse? Twice the memories for one set of identical scars. Not that she would ever harm herself. Even less as severely as she would have to if she truely wanted to replicate the missing scars, which she didn't.

Her mind seemed to intensify her memories, make them more vivid, make her feel like she was there again as if trying to proof to her body that the marks of those atrocities done to it should be here. As if it were demanding they show up simply by making her relive the violent crimes inflicted on her over and over again. 

She lost count of the amount of times she woke up screaming or to the need to vomit months ago. She always knew the reason why she was woken up from her nap by her body’s demand to empty her stomach. She could always tell whether it was the baby or the gruesome events from her past. 

The other thing that was always the same was Ollie. He was her constant in all of this.

Her anchor to the present.

He would always show up at her side in record time. Letting her know that she was safe. That she was not back in the hell her life had been for five years. That she was simply remembering the past that could no longer hurt her, touch her. He always managed to pull her back into the present. 

So, it was a surprise when he wasn’t next to her within seconds after she started to vomit. She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks but couldn’t taste the salt they left on her lips because of the bile passing through them. She knew her whole body was shaking, she could barely breathe. She tried to calm herself down, to regulate her breathing, tried to recall the exercises Ollie always made her do…but she couldn’t recall them. Her mind was such a mess and the harder she tried to recall his calming voice telling her what to do the more she drew a blank and the more agitated she got.

This was not good for the baby, she knew that.

She needed to calm down because this was not good for the baby.

But the need to empty her stomach of everything in it, was greater than her need to breathe. Her lungs constricted painfully as a result of her heaving, desperate tries to calm her agitated breathing and her agonizing sobs. She tried to replace their faces and voices with Ollie’s, but she just couldn’t get them out of her head. 

_Their faces, the cruel looks on them, the sadistic gleam in their eyes, their strong, brutal hands all over her, pulling on her, reminding her so cruelly of the first time she had met Anthony._

_“The more you struggle the more it’ll hurt, little bouzin.“_

_Except this time around he wouldn’t come and save her. His body was rotting away in a shallow grave on the other side of this godforsaken island._

_And Ollie wouldn’t come and save her either. His body was somewhere not too far from shore, in the wreck of the Freighter at the bottom of the North China Sea._

Sara’s hands turned white from the death grip she had on the toilet bowl. Trying to use the cold ceramic to ground her in the now and remind her that she was home.

She was fighting and losing a desperate battle against the part of her brain that was pushing one of the worst moments of her life to the forefront of her mind, from all the way back where she had buried it so deep, and the part of her brain and her body that reminded her of the little person growing inside of her and the need to take care of it. Which meant calm down and relax. And she tried, she desperately tried but she couldn’t… she couldn’t push the memories away, couldn’t pull herself back to the now, the now that mattered, that she needed to be in to make sure Ollie’s child was okay. 

Ollie… where was Ollie? Why wasn’t he here? Why wasn’t he pulling her back and grounding her in the now?

She managed to loosen her hands from their desperate hold on the ceramic bowl long enough to pull her cell from the front pocket of her… Ollie’s… old ‚Rocket’s‘ sweater she was wearing and somehow managed to unlock it trying to press speed dial one… she dropped the phone before she could be sure she managed the task, in order to hold on to the bowl again and dry heave as another memory was pushed forward in demand of her undivided attention.

_„How does it feel, little bouzin? Who’s in control now? Not so tough anymore, without your knife or strong men to protect you, are you little bouzin?“_

_Ollie. Ollie couldn’t be here. He couldn’t save her, couldn’t protect her this time because he was dead. He went down with the Freighter… he wasn’t going to come. He was gone. And she was alone, all alone… he couldn’t help her, couldn’t stop them…_

Sara desperately tried to hold on to reality but lost the battle being swallowed by a past she just wanted to forget and put behind her. Swallowed by memories that were once buried in the deepest, darkest corner of her mind, never to be revisited, never to be relived. But ever since her re-ensoulment, and intensified by her pregnancy and the hormonal imbalance that came with it and made her more emotional, her memories had started to resurface with a vengeance and she was powerless against them. The emotional overload the changes in her body brought with them made it impossible for her to keep or rebury the memories of the worst of what had been done to her. The intensity that came with her current incapability to numb her feelings and push them aside made her reactions to her nightmares so much worse. Ollie was usually the only reason she could push them far enough away to come back to the here and now. He would then stay with her, to make sure she wouldn’t lose her grasp on reality again and hold her for as long as she needed him to until the memories no longer threatened to swallow her. Be it minutes, hours sometimes even days.

Sara never got the chance to find out whether her call connected before she ended up lost in the hell her own mind created. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the Felicity part was kinda...well I'm not a hundert percent happy with it and might go back and rewrite it sometime or come back to it in another chapter. I think she comes over worse than I meant to. Sorry about that. It was not on purpose or my intention if she sounds mean or ignorant. But like I said I really struggled finding this chapter's voices...but putting Felicity in the next one doesn't feel right...and not using Oliver and Sara in this one doesn't work either. Believe me I tried a lot of different combinations and that was the only one I felt worked.  
> Plus it was important to me to show the very different issues they are facing. And Felicity seemed to be a good choice in doing that. Plus you can't really blame her or anyone else for beeing/seeming inconsiderate, they have no idea what's going on with Oliver and Sara.


	10. I'm scared as hell 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This, this right here was what she had needed and wanted to do for the past few days. 
> 
> See him, talk to him in person, touch him and do whatever she could to make him feel better. She just now realized that she hadn’t felt frustrated about the situation. What she had felt was helpless. 

Thea;  
  
  
She had decided to stay at the library after her last class to study and go straight to the Bunker after. Ollie had texted her earlier this afternoon to let her know that he would come tonight. She was glad and looking forward to seeing him again.   
  
She had done what Quentin had suggested and let her brother know that she was here and willing to spend time with him whenever he was ready. It had been hard though. She knew that he wasn’t okay and there was nothing she wanted to do more than show up at his place and make him feel better and have him tell her what was going on. The only thing that kept her from doing just that was the knowledge that Laurel felt the same way but was staying away to give them time to settle in and readjust.   
  
No matter how hard it was.  
  
She had talked to her roommate about it a lot. The older woman had pointed out to her that sometimes space and time was what people needed and that crowding them could make things and their anxieties worse. That did make a lot of sense to her, so she stayed away. But made sure to text him a couple of times a day. Mostly some random, funny or motivational memes that she just came across.   
  
Ollie in return did let her know, at least once a day, that they were fine.  
  
Thea was ripped from her thoughts by her phone ringing. She could feel the annoyed and angry stares of her fellow students and answered in a haste, without looking at the display, before even more people could glare at her.  
  
“Hello?... Ollie? What’s going… okay, yeah sure, where are you? Okay, I’ll be there in like 10…” she had half expected Ollie to cancel for tonight, not him calling to let her know that he was outside, waiting for her. He had decided to come pick her up.   
  
The way his voice sounded worried her. Something wasn’t right.   
  
She hurriedly threw her things in her purse and almost ran from the library towards the school’s parking lot where her brother was waiting for her.   
  
She saw him from the distance and her worry only increased. He was outside, his hands were on the hood of the car, his shoulders and head hunched over, and he was taking deep breaths. It only took her a moment to connect her big brother’s behavior to the one eight months ago when Sara had calmed him down and therefore realize that he was having a panic attack and trying to calm himself down.   
  
“Ollie… Take a deep breath… in and out… in and out…” she remembered what Sara had done and imitated the breaths she wanted him to take, she slowly put her hands on top of his and looked him straight in the eyes, just breathing with him. Ollie turned his hands around so that he could wrap them around hers and stared right back at her, following her instructions without hesitation. And she could see how he started to calm down, but kept breathing with him and squeezing his hands in a silent show of comfort.  
  
“Thank you.” His voice was quiet but grateful and he rewarded her with a small smile.  
  
“Anytime, bro.” she smiled back and him and squeezed his hand one more time, with as much strength as she could muster for good measure, before she let him pull his away.   
  
“Do you mind driving? I’m not sure it’d be a good idea for me to continue. I feel better now but…” he looked at her questionably and let the sentence trail off, she knew what he meant… she realized that he must still feel out of sorts, he wouldn’t ask her to drive otherwise. It was strange having her big bro, who always made fun of her driving and refused to let her drive his car, ask her to do just that.  
  
“Sure, no problem. Gimme the key already. Seriously, what are you waiting for?” she decided to go with the impatient, annoyed little sister routine, to ease his discomfort that came with asking her for help, and get an eye roll and grin out of him. It always worked, and it did now too. Just like she had expected it to.  
  
This, this right here was what she had needed and wanted to do for the past few days.   
  
See him, talk to him in person, touch him and do whatever she could to make him feel better. She just now realized that she hadn’t felt frustrated about the situation.   
  
What she had felt was helpless.   
  
She took the key from his hand the moment he held it out to her, smirked at him and got into the driver’s seat waiting for Ollie to get in too. She touched his arm again for a moment while looking at him and taking another couple of deep breaths. Just like Lyla had taught her and Laurel a few days ago. The director of ARGUS had felt it important that they knew how to react and what to do after she had witnessed Sara having a panic attack.   
  
_“If you need them to go back to the place that led to the anxiety attack a moment ago, remind them again that you are here, that they are not alone and show them how to breathe once more. Maybe a light touch to help ground them in the here and now, but only if they give you permission. It helps them focus on something other than the reason they ended up panicking to begin with.”_  
  
Oliver followed her lead again and gave her another grateful smile and a nod after a short moment. She took that as her cue to start the car.  
  
They had only been on the road for a couple of minutes when Ollie’s cell started to ring.   
  
“Sara? Are you alright? Sara?... Thea turn the car around. We need to get home now.” Her brother’s voice went from confused and questioning to concerned and frantic in a matter of seconds. The part directed at her was firm and left no room to argue, not that she felt like arguing. He was back to talking to Sara as soon as he told her to turn around.  
  
“Sara, listen to me, c’mon, listen to my voice. I’m here. You’re home, you’re safe, hang on I’m on my way home…Sara…they can’t hurt you anymore…” Oliver’s voice was frantic at the beginning and she noticed how he forced himself to make it sound calm and soothing. She snuck a quick glance over and saw the panic written all over his face and the complete and utter fear in his eyes. And she felt his panic take hold of her.   
  
She had never seen him like this.  
  
She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the street and driving. She needed to stay calm and not just because she was driving. No, because Ollie needed her to.   
  
“We’re almost there Ollie. Why don’t I stop at the curb in front of your building and you jump out and I go park the car while you go check on Sara?” Stay calm, provide solutions. Give simple tasks that are easy to follow. Those were another set of tips Lyla had given her and Laurel in order to help Oliver and Sara in situations like these.   
  
She stopped the car, touched her brother’s arm for a moment to give him comfort and then pushed him towards the door. It took him a moment to figure out what was going on and what she wanted. But he was out the door as soon as he did, running towards the entrance door and inside the building, all the while still talking to Sara, who didn’t seem to hear him, given his side of the conversation.  
  
Thea parked the car, turned off the engine and dropped her head onto her hands on the steering wheel for a moment. Taking deep breaths and trying to calm her racing heart.   
  
She was scared.   
  
She was scared to go inside. Scared of what she might find. She was scared beyond believe. Oliver’s frantic behavior had scared her to death. His panic led her mind down all the horrible paths of what terrible scene she might find.   
  
Whatever it was that they were struggling with. Whatever reason responsible for their strange behavior, seemed to be a lot worse than she had expected. Sara appeared to be even worse than they had thought after the couple of times they've seen her since her return. Things must be unbelievably bad if Oliver reacted the way he just had.   
  
She needed to pull herself together and she needed to get inside. Oliver needed her and Sara probably did too. She needed to be there for them, help them however she could. Not be another person they needed to take care of. She couldn’t afford to be a burden to them.  
  
Thea braced herself, squared her shoulders and got out of the car. Walking towards her brother’s apartment with purpose.   
  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Oliver;  
  
  
He had felt on edge for a while now. It was the reason why he had decided to stop at Thea’s school and have her drive them to the Bunker.   
  
He thought it was because going to the Bunker meant facing Felicity and he wasn’t ready to do that alone. Yet, he wasn’t willing to take Sara with him either. She had offered, and it meant a lot to him, but he knew that she hadn’t planned and still wasn’t planning on setting foot in the Green Arrow’s lair at all.   
  
She felt it wasn’t the kind of vibes or place the baby should be in. Given the natural association with violence that came with it. And he agreed. They were trying to keep and protect their child from all the negativity, pain and violence that came with their lives, bringing it to the place that represented all of that seemed wrong on so many levels. Even now in its unborn form.  
  
Both Sara and he knew that places came with different energies and a place of violence came with bad and negative energies and those affected Sara and therefore the baby. Plus, a lot of the information they had read up on said that a child could feel and absorb the different energies and vibes around their mother and the places she was in. They weren’t willing to subject their child to any of this, not if they didn’t have to.   
  
All of this was why he had never and still didn’t like it when John brought his daughter there.   
  
Little Sara Diggle was an utter ray of sunshine and so innocent and pure. She needed to be protected, from the horrors of the world, at all costs. Bringing her to the Bunker meant, at least indirectly, subjecting her to those horrors.   
  
Felicity’s screen usually showed content of crimes, all the weapons stacked in it represented violence, so did the training that was done there.   
  
The Bunker was no place for a child, born or unborn. So, he told Sara to stay home if she felt okay to do that. He offered to call Lyla and have her come over if she wanted but Sara had refused and told him that she would be fine for an hour or two. Besides it wasn’t the first time that he had left her alone and she had been fine.   
  
He was sure that he was feeling on edge because of the possibility that he would be alone with Felicity and the knowledge that his refusal to put his leathers on would probably lead to an argument with everyone.   
  
All of this made him anxious and he ended up pulling into the parking lot of the college his sister decided to go to. Calling her to let her know that he was here waiting for her. It gave him a moment to get some fresh air, try to relax and having Thea with him meant he wouldn’t be alone while setting foot in the Bunker for the first time in months.   
  
Thinking about the Bunker brought back the memory of Felicity giving him his mother’s ring back, telling him to keep it this time and that she was already gone. He could feel the pain in his chest that the memory brought with it.   
  
The Bunker was also the physical representation of why William wasn’t a part of his life. Why he didn’t even know how or where he was or if he was ever going to see him again.   
  
But he tried not to think about that. Because thinking about his son hurt even more than thinking about Felicity. Thinking about Felicity hurt like a heavy weight placed on his chest in order to break his ribs and crush his lungs and heart.   
  
But thinking about William… thinking about William felt like someone had cut him open and was trying to crush his heart with their bare hands before deciding to just rip it out of him completely.   
  
The Bunker was the physical representation of all the reasons why he and Sara decided to give their baby away.  
  
Oliver leant over the hood of his car taking gulping breaths trying to get out of his mind, change his thoughts to something positive, less painful but it was hard. It was so hard, and he wasn’t sure he could manage when he heard his baby sister’s calm voice telling him to breathe. He looked up from his hands after he took hold of hers, that she had calmly placed atop of his, and focused on her and her alone. He followed her lead and did as she told him. All the while drinking her in, memorizing her. Looking for the changes the last five months had brought in her and he could feel the anxiety slowly leave.  
  
“Thank you.” He tried to convey just how much, what she just did, meant to him and how grateful he was for her help.   
  
She brushed it of as if it were nothing, but he could see in her eyes that she knew just how big a deal it was to him.   
  
She again made light and acted like the spoilt, oblivious little sister she no longer was, just to make him feel better. He never thought that he could love Thea any more than he already did. Her actions, silent understanding and comfort once they were in the car proofed him wrong.  
  
He was musing over some of the changes he had noticed in her earlier when his phone started to ring. He checked the caller ID and saw Sara’s name flash across the screen.  
  
He felt the uneasy feeling, he’s had ever since he had gotten in the car, return and his heart fall into his stomach the moment he answered the phone.   
  
Sara wasn’t on the other end. She wasn’t answering him. But he could hear the sounds in the background. He knew those sounds. Understood what they meant and what her not being able to answer his frantic words implied.  
  
He barely recalled telling Thea to turn around but that was about as much attention as he could muster that wasn’t focused on the woman on the other end of the line. He was desperately trying to reach her with simply the sound of his voice, but he knew, he knew she was too far gone for that.  
  
He shouldn’t have left her alone.  
  
This was his fault.  
  
Why had he decided to leave her alone? He had known, subconsciously that it was a bad idea to leave her alone tonight. He had never left her alone at night before.  
  
He shouldn’t have left her alone.  
  
What if something was wrong with the baby?   
  
Why did he leave her alone?  
  
Let alone for something he didn't feel comfortable doing.  
  
He should have never left her alone.  
  
He was vaguely aware when Thea started to talk to him, but he couldn’t focus enough to make out the words.  
  
It took him a moment to realize that the car had stopped after she touched his arm. He looked outside and saw his building.   
  
He nearly unhinged the car door in his rush to get out and to Sara. He hit the ground running and didn’t stop, taking the stairs two at a time, until he crashed passed their entrance door and forced himself to slow down. So that he wouldn’t startle and scare her.  
  
\-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Felicity;  
  
  
Oliver didn’t show up alone.  
  
He didn’t show up at all.  
  
And neither did Thea.   
  
Both Queen siblings couldn’t be reached.  
  
Thea’s phone rang until voice mail kicked in and Oliver’s phone had the occupied signal on. Laurel tried Sara’s phone once she got here, and she and Dig filled her in, but Sara’s phone was occupied too.  
  
This meant that they didn’t know what was going on. She had been annoyed and disappointed at first. She had really wanted to talk to Oliver and move forward.  
  
But as time went on she, just like Laurel and Dig got more worried. Something was wrong, she was sure of it. Something had happened.  
She checked the police scanner again, and the 911 calls… but nothing close to where Oliver and Sara now lived.   
  
Laurel was on the phone with Quentin. Hoping he knew something.  
  
And Dig was talking to Lyla. Maybe ARGUS could figure something out.  
  
They should really just go to Oliver and Sara’s. Make sure they’re alright and nothing happened.   
  
“Dad doesn’t know anything or hasn’t heard from them either. But he’s on his way over there now to check up on them. He meant to drop in on them for a while now anyways.” Laurel walked over towards the platform while talking to them. She still looked worried.   
  
The district attorney had been the main reason she and Dig had started to worry as much as they did now.   
  
Laurel had lost most of her usual cool, collected demeanor. She was very worried about her sister and Oliver.   
  
It was still hard for her, and she thought even Dig, to grasp the concept that something might be really wrong in a very bad way.  
  
They were talking about Oliver and Sara. Those two could take care of themselves. They could handle whatever the universe was throwing at them…right?  
  
That’s what she had thought.   
  
Laurel seemed to disagree, so did Lyla and Quentin given his decision to go check up on them.  
  
“He’ll call as soon as he knows more.” Laurel finishes.  
  
“Lyla’s worried too. She thinks leaving Sara alone might not have been the best idea. Given the fact that she had mostly stayed away from people and cities for the last eight months according to Oliver. That the darkness and noise of the city might have been too much and triggered her.” Dig filled them in on his phone conversation.  
  
“So, why are we sitting here waiting instead of going over there?” Felicity was getting frustrated. Why was it okay for Quentin to go check up on them but not for freaking Team Arrow? They were supposed to be the heroes helping people. So why were they just sitting around doing nothing except waiting for the phone to ring?  
  
“Because if Sara is having an anxiety attack as a result of her PTSD, the last thing she‘ll need is her apartment, her home, her sanctuary being intruded by a crowd. It’ll wouldn’t just not help her, it would make the situation worse.” The former soldier’s explanation made sense. It didn’t change the fact that she felt useless though. She checked the police scanner and the 911 calls again. Looked at the clock at the bottom of her monitor, it would take Quentin at least half an hour to get there… she checked the hospitals again to see if Oliver, Sara or Thea were admitted as an emergency…  
  
She looked up and watched Laurel pace for a moment, then turned to Dig who decided to work out as a distraction.  
  
She checked the clock again…  
  
Then the police scanner…  
  
911 calls…  
  
Hospitals…  
  
Laurel…  
  
Dig…  
  
Clock…  
  
Police…  
  
911…  
  
…  
  
Desperately waiting for any word as to what was going on.   
  



	11. I know you wrote a history of making a mess Misunderstood's an understatement at best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She bit her lip, closed her eyes and took that last step that led her to the open bathroom door and opened her eyes again at the same time she was releasing the last deep breath she had taken.
> 
> Dinah sighed, bent down to kiss her daughter’s crown and pull her a little closer before closing her eyes, it had been a long night, driving down here, spending hours alone on the road while worrying about her youngest daughter…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way Dinah Lance was portait in the episodes she was in leads to my firm believe that she loves her daughters and worked hard to have a relationship with them, even if they live hours away from each other. So for the sake of this story let's assume that Dinah and Laurel talk on the phone at least once a week and try to see each other regularly. Just as a deleted scene in season two implied. Dinah told Quentin that she wasn't going to disappear again and wanted to be there for the girls and him.
> 
> Fyi writing on a cell phone seriously sucks!  
> I should have my computer back Saturday, can't wait!

Thea

Thea thought she had managed to get control of her emotions pretty well until she reached the top floor and saw the door to Oliver and Sara’s apartment wide open. It was obvious that the person leaving it open had entered in a hurry with little regard or care towards the door. In this case it was her brother, her brother who would never just leave the door to his home open. She felt her heart accelerate again. She could hear commotion inside the apartment. She tried to get her feet to move, to step inside and make sure Sara was okay, but she was afraid, she was so afraid of what she might find. She took a couple of deep breaths and stepped cautiously across the threshold of her brother’s apartment. She slowly walked further inside and followed the sounds that she could hear. She stopped again, right before she could see into the bathroom, where Oliver and Sara were.

She bit her lip, closed her eyes and took that last step that led her to the open bathroom door and opened her eyes again at the same time she was releasing the last deep breath she had taken.

What she saw gutted her. Oliver was trying to calm a hysterical Sara, who was sitting on the floor next to the toilet with her back pressed against the wall and her knees pulled tightly to her chest, down. Sara was sobbing and mumbling and trying to both hold on to Ollie and push him away at the same time.

Oliver was kneeling in front of her, whispering to her and softly and carefully caressing her face, hair and arms. It was hard for her to make out what Sara was saying through her sobs. And impossible to understand Oliver, his voice was too quiet to be heard over Sara's crying.

She watched them for a while not knowing what she should do and feeling utterly helpless until Oliver noticed her.

“Thea, could you bring me a bottle of water? It’s in the fridge.” He turned away from the woman in front of him for a moment to address her.

“Yeah, sure.” She was glad to have a task, something she could do to help. She had felt useless until now. She was so far out of her league right now and had no idea what to do or even how to start processing anything she’s just witnessed.

She got the water and quickly walked back to the bathroom where she opened it and then handed it over to her brother. She stepped back again and gave them space as soon as Oliver took hold of it. She had noticed Sara flinch when she stepped into their personal space.

She watched how Oliver slowly held it out to Sara and how she took a couple of sips and then abruptly took hold of Oliver’s forearms, looking him straight in the eyes before she turned her head and chest away from him to throw the water back up into the toilet next to her. Oliver being right there holding her hair back and rubbing her back soothingly. Sara suddenly started to weep again while dry heaving. She sounded so desperate. God, this was breaking her heart. She felt like crying herself. She had seen the look of panic that had crossed Ollie's face for a moment when Sara had to throw the water back up. He was worried, he was very worried, close to panicking actually.

“Thea can you call Caitlin Snow and ask her if she can get Barry to bring her here now? Tell her what’s going on and that Sara’s the friend I told her about.” Oliver was holding his phone out to her, turning his attention back to the woman between his legs, draped over the toilet, the moment he was done with his request.

“Yeah, of course.” Thea took the phone from his hand, reluctantly left the bathroom and walked towards the living room while searching through her brother’s contacts looking for Caitlin Snow.

She reached the living room around the same time she found the number. She took a deep breath, threw a glance back towards the bathroom, from where she could still hear Oliver’s voice, she couldn’t make out the words though, and she could also still hear Sara sobbing. She felt her heart constrict and her eyes tear up. She took another couple of breaths and pulled herself together. Sara needed her to do this. Oliver trusted her to do this. He trusted her to help him take care of Sara. Her shaking hands pressed on Caitlin’s name and moved the phone to her ear, waiting for the other woman to pick up. Praying that she would. She needed her to. Sara needed her to. Oliver trusted her to get the Doctor here.

“Hi Caitlin, this is Thea, Thea Queen. I’m sorry for calling you this late but Oliver asked me to. He said to tell you that it was concerning the friend he contacted you about… yeah, well I guess she’s having a… really bad panic attack or like an episode because of her PTSD… yeah, she’s been throwing up for a while… I’m not sure… maybe 30 minutes or an hour?... yeah, no she’s crying really hard… well, I guess almost hysterically… Ollie’s with her, trying to calm her down… we tried to get her to drink some water but she just threw it right back up… yeah I think it’s not the first time…I don’t know… Caitlin… wait, I don’t know, I don’t know the answer to any of that. Ollie told me to call you and ask you to get Barry to run you here. He’s really scared for her and he can answer all of these questions. Please Caitlin. She needs help, like the medical kind. Okay… okay, yeah I tell him. Thank you, thank you so much! I text you the address. Thank you!” Thea felt herself sag in relieve. Caitlin was coming.

She went back to the bathroom to let Oliver know.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dinah

She was stroking Sara’s hair while thinking about everything she had learnt in the last couple of hours, from the moment Oliver had called and woken her up in the middle of the night. He had called to ask her to come to Starling, Star City, because Sara needed her. Because Sara had asked for her. Her baby… her beautiful but broken baby who had fallen asleep with her head resting on her chest after crying for an hour… just like she used to when she was a little girl. Oh her poor baby. How much more could she take?

She was still trying to wrap her head around the knowledge she had gained. Sara was pregnant. With Oliver’s child. The baby had not been planned and they were giving it up for adoption. Because they felt they weren’t fit to be parents. Not with everything they were struggling with emotionally. That it was too much and the baby was another burden for them to carry on shoulders that were already carrying too much.

She could understand that.

Still, a part of her felt that this baby might be a blessing in disguise. That it might actually help them if they let it.

She knew that both Sara and Oliver didn’t see it that way right now. Their position on it was clear and understandable given their situation but still… they might change their minds on the matter should they ever manage to improve their mental health and see themselves the way other people did.

If they could only see that they were genuinely good people. That their current pain was not a life sentence. They would always carry some of the trauma they had endured with them but that didn’t mean that their lives had to revolve around it. They could have a more or less normal, happy life. That they would be great parents. All they needed to do was believed it themselves.

Laurel had always been the more driven one and Sara, her free-spirited, wild Sara had always been the more nurturing one. She was the one who enjoyed baking and learning how to cook from their grandmothers and Raisa, wanting to be a doctor to save lives and take care of people. Not to forget all those years that she had spent babysitting Thea and every other kid that needed a sitter.

Sara loved children.

Sara had always loved children.

Her baby used to joke that she wanted a boat load full of them. This was why the current situation was breaking her heart even more than it would have otherwise.

Sara loved children, she was great with children. And children loved her.

There was absolutely no possibility that Sara would be a bad mother.

Just like she knew that Oliver would make a great father. She had seen him with Thea growing up. And sometimes he would end up at their place while Sara was babysitting and help her out, or play with her and the kids while waiting for Laurel to finish her homework or be done with studying.

She knew that they would be amazing parents and their child couldn’t do any better.

But she wasn’t going to try and change their minds. It was their choice. It needed to be their choice.

Dinah also knew that her opinion didn’t matter. No one’s did. Only Sara and Oliver’s. It needed to be their choice if they should end up deciding to keep the baby after all it needed to be because it was what they wanted.

Because they believed that they were their child’s best choice.

Making them keep the baby while they didn’t believe that it was the best choice for it would put them up to failure from the get go. Even if it was only in their minds. It would lead to years of self-doubt and them questioning every decision they make and always coming up lacking. Their child would become another burden instead of the blessing and joy it was supposed to be.

Raising a child was a difficult task. They needed to believe that they were up to it. It didn’t matter that everyone who knew them believed that they were and would do great. If they weren’t in the right mental state and felt their mental health was not up to taking care of another life, they shouldn’t be taking care of said life. Their mental health issues that came from severe trauma could be worked on. But only if they were willing to. If they wanted to. And she had to agree with their choice until they were ready to try and work through their pain and trauma.

Did she want her grandchild in her life? Of course.

But she understood were Sara and Oliver were coming from. She was a teacher, she saw the effect being raised by unfit parents had on children.

Not that she believed that they were unfit, far from it.

Dinah looked at her sleeping daughter again and remembered part of the conversation they’ve had shortly before Sara fell asleep.

_“Ollie and I never meant for Laurel to get hurt mom. I swear. It was the last thing we ever wanted to do but still it seems no matter what we do, we always end up hurting her. I know we hurt her when we got back together when I first came home. I know it was selfish but Ollie and I, we made a promise, that we would give us a shot and find out what it was between us, should we ever get off the island. We owed it to each other to find out. And I had thought he was dead, and I missed him so much during those years I was away. And now, now we’re going to hurt her again, because I know. I know that her learning that I’m pregnant with Ollie’s child will hurt her and hurt her bad and I never meant to do that. I never meant for any of this to happen. I swear. I don’t even know how to tell her about the baby even less that we are not keeping it. This is all she’s wanted for years, all she’s ever wanted and now I have it and I’m going to give it up, just like I did when I left him to go back to the League. I’ve never… I’ve never told anyone that, but Ollie was ready to commit to me. He had asked me to move in with him and I swear there’s nothing I’ve wanted more in that moment but… We needed help. We needed the League and I knew they would ask for my life in return and there was no leaving this time around. So, I broke up with him. Because I knew he wouldn’t let me go if I told him my plan. But I knew that Ollie would never try to make me stay if he felt like it wasn’t what I wanted. Ollie offered me what Laurel had so desperately wanted and begged for, for years and he kept on denying her. And I just threw it away. If she knew…on top of all of this… she’ll hate me. And she has every right to. I deserve it. Mom, I don’t know how to do this. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose my sister again, but I don’t know how any of this could play out without me losing her. Why do I keep hurting her? How can I make this right?”_

She had started crying again after this until she fell asleep.

And yes, Sara was right, this was going to hurt Laurel.

She still remembered the conversation she had with Laurel after she had found out about Oliver’s son. And it hadn’t just been the knowledge that Oliver had gotten another woman pregnant while they had been in a supposedly committed relationship. Laurel had long since accepted the fact that Oliver had not been faithful to her. What had hurt her almost more had been the fact that Oliver had a child that wasn’t hers.

That reaction and feeling was understandable.

Laurel had spent her teenage years and early twenties dreaming and later on believing that she would be Mrs. Oliver Jonas Queen, and the only children he would have would be the ones she bore him. So learning that he had a child with another woman, from a time when she had still been fully convinced that this believe would be her future, had cut her deep.

Learning now that her sister was carrying his second child would open scars to wounds that had only recently and barely healed.

Dinah knew that Laurel, just like Quentin would never be able to understand the choice Sara was making. Why she would give up her child. But she did disagree with Sara’s fear, she doubted that Laurel would hate her but she probably wouldn’t be able to understand how and why Sara chose to give up Oliver’s child. A child Laurel once desperately wanted. That lack of understanding would probably lead to friction between her daughters. It might even turn into a fight. But she knew that they would eventually work it out. They always did because they loved each other too much not to.

Dinah sometimes wondered how her daughters had managed to end up in a situation like this. They were like night and day. Couldn’t be any more different if they tried and yet, they just had to fall for the same boy. She of course could see Oliver’s appeal, back when they were kids and even now with all the baggage he had acquired over the years. He was a good man, with a good heart who seemed to be completely devoted to her youngest daughter. It was almost funny how neither of them were aware of it.

She sometimes felt Oliver had made his choice the moment he had asked Sara to join him on his father’s yacht whether he knew it or not. What Sara had told her about Oliver asking her to move in with him before she left, only seemed to confirm her believe.

Yes, the knowledge that Oliver had been willing to commit to Sara would hurt Laurel, should she ever learn about it.

Just like Sara’s affair with Oliver, all those years ago, had.

She still blamed herself for letting Sara go.

The rational part of her brain reminded her that Sara had been nineteen, a legal adult and nothing short of chaining her to the banister would’ve kept her from going.

She had asked her not to do this to her sister. But what was she supposed to do or say after Sara told her that she was in love and had to follow her heart? Just like she herself had done when it came to Quentin. Was she supposed to tell her that following her heart was right in some cases and not in others?

Should she have told one daughter that her feelings didn’t matter because of her other daughter? Tell Sara that she had to hide and deny the way she felt because Laurel would get hurt? Tell her that her sister’s feelings were more important than her own? That her feelings weren’t valid because they were towards her sister’s boyfriend?

Oh, she knew, she had known for a while that her baby had a crush on Oliver. She had also seen how devastated she had been when he started to date Laurel. It took her a while but she got over it eventually, brushed it off, put a big smile on and pretended not to care. Or so she had thought.

She had also taken notice how the way Oliver interacted with her had slightly changed after Sara started college. She hadn’t made anything of it until after she found out that Sara was going on a weeks long trip with him, because he asked her to. That’s when she realized that Oliver had tended to show up at their place more often whenever Sara was home from college.

Dinah sighed, bent down to kiss her daughter’s crown and pull her a little closer and the blanket a little tighter, before closing her eyes, it had been a long night, driving down here, spending hours alone on the road while worrying about her youngest daughter…

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Thea

Sara was pregnant. Sara was pregnant. Sara was pregnant… with her brother’s baby.

Sara and Oliver were having a baby.

Thea tried to wrap her head around the new information she had gathered last night, listening to Sara’s conversation with Caitlin.

Thea dropped down on the couch in the living room.

“Sara is pregnant.”

“Yeah, she is.” Quentin’s quiet confirmation startled her out of her thoughts. She had completely forgotten that he had arrived shortly after Caitlin and has been sitting in the living room pretty much since. To stay out of the way and let her help his daughter.

“How,... how did you know? I mean you don’t look surprised.” She could not understand how Quentin was this calm. It was not like him, not after a revelation like that.

“I figured it out that afternoon at Laurel’s. Sara’s always been a lot like Dinah. This is no different. But yeah, quite the shock, isn’t it?” He was giving her a tired yet understanding smile.

She smiled back at him and they both went back to their own thoughts, waiting until there was anything they could do.

Thea picked up the book lying on the coffee table after a while, she needed something to distract herself. Not that a pregnancy book was the right thing to keep her thoughts away from the subject of Sara’s pregnancy…but it was the only thing lying around...

Thea looked up, from the pregnancy book she had been flipping through to keep herself occupied, when she heard footsteps.

Oliver was walking into the living room and sitting down on the couch next to her, leaning his head back for a moment before dragging his hands over his face. He looked like hell. Completely exhausted and drained. She placed her hand on his arm.

“How’s Sara?” Quentin broke the silence from his place in the armchair.

“Better. Dinah’s with her and Caitlin is checking her vitals again and she just changed her IV to make sure her body gets enough fluids and glucose I think... I’m not… I don’t know the medical stuff and didn’t understand half of what was said… you’ll have to ask Caitlin if you want to know what exactly she’s doing or giving her. Sara understands it though, medical stuff and everything science has always been her thing not mine.” Oliver sounded as exhausted as he looked. His focus was entirely on Quentin while answering his question, he was almost defensive… what had happened between the two of them last night? Caitlin had sent Oliver away to get some fresh air and she had stayed with Sara and Caitlin after the former gave Ollie her go-ahead.

She knew now that her brother had also used that time to call Sara’s mom. But something had happened between the two men and she had the feeling it hadn’t been anything good.

“How bout I go for a pizza run? I think everyone could use some food.” Quentin took the information her brother had given him in but for some reason decided not to comment on it. Sara’s father didn’t wait for an answer before getting up and leaving the apartment.

“What was…?” She started but stopped when Oliver started to talk at the same time and nodded towards him to let him continue.

“Thea… could you not… I have to ask you… please don’t tell Laurel about Sara’s pregnancy. Look I know this puts you in an uncomfortable position but Sara and I want to tell her. She deserves to hear it from us. Please.” Oliver was fidgeting and it was clear to her that he wasn’t comfortable asking her to keep this huge piece of information from the woman, who had taken her in and she considered to be a sister. And she really didn’t like it. Laurel should know. Laurel needed to know. But most importantly Laurel deserved to know. She should have been the first person they told. After everything… after their history… they shouldn’t have kept this from her, shouldn’t keep it from her any longer now.

“You’re right. She deserves to hear it from you. She would’ve deserved to be the first person to know, Ollie. I won’t say anything, but you need to talk to her and soon and you need to do it alone if Sara’s not feeling better or up to it in the next couple of days. Is this why Quentin’s angry at you?” She didn’t like it but she did agree with him, Laurel deserved to hear the news from her sister and Oliver.

“Thank you, Thea. I’m sorry I put you in the middle of this. It's part of it and he has every right to be angry at me.” Her brother gave her a grateful look.

“A few days, Ollie. That’s all you get from me. I can’t speak for Quentin and Dinah but I’m sure they don’t agree with this either. What you are doing is wrong. And I get the two of you have your reasons for not telling anyone but that doesn’t make this right. And if I or Quentin or Dinah tell her she’ll at least still hear it from family. Just think about how she would feel if she heard it from Caitlin or Barry? You and Sara have to stop keeping things from her. You always do the same thing. You keep stuff from Laurel, she finds out after everyone else does, which hurts her and leads to her lashing out and you end up right in the middle. And we both know you always chose Sara in those situations, which I get to some extent. And then the three of you have a huge argument and avoid each other until one of you comes to their senses and apologizes. You need to break the cycle. And you can only do that by stopping to keep things, like Sara’s pregnancy, from her.” Thea was pretty much done with the Laurel, Ollie, Sara drama. She got it, she did but it was simple to solve, well some of it was. Ollie and Sara just needed to stop keeping Laurel out of the loop. Period!

Not that Laurel was innocent when it came to the matter of sharing crucial information like having used the Lazarus Pit to resurrect her sister, but this was about Oliver and Sara. Thea knew Laurel had forgiven them and moved forward but she also knew that the subject of Oliver and Sara in a romantic sense was still painful for her and them keeping it from her a sore subject with the possibility to turn real ugly, real fast.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. We just… look… the last thing Sara and I ever wanted to do is hurt Laurel. And I know how this sounds coming from me but… we never meant to hurt her. I can’t even explain just how much she means to me and Sara. Which makes this so hard. We never want to hurt her or be the cause of her pain. But we know that this will hurt her. Even if she’ll never admit it to us. We know her and we know how much this will hurt her. And we just… how do you tell someone you love something you know will cause them pain? I know how much learning about William hurt her. How can I knowingly cause her even more pain? All I ever seem to do is cause Laurel pain.” She paid extra attention studying her brother while he was talking. This was hard for him, really hard. Just talking about hurting Laurel seemed to cause him pain. She felt bad having this conversation with him now. She knew he hadn’t slept last night that he had been worried sick and put all of his energy into helping Sara. Had he eaten anything at all in the last eighteen hours?

Maybe the pizza run was actually a peace offering on Quentin’s part.

“I don’t know, Ollie. But I know it’ll hurt her even more if she hears it from someone else. Look I don’t know what exactly is going on between Sara and you, besides the having a baby part, and it’s none of my business, so I’m not gonna pry. I’d be happy to listen if you decided you want to tell me but if you don’t that’s fine too. But I think maybe you should tell Laurel and explain the situation. It might ease her pain.” She was trying to help him, to maybe ease some of his burden and worry but it didn’t seem to work.

“Thank you, but I doubt it will. But you’re right she deserves the whole truth.” He leaned his head back again and closed his eyes for a moment, moving his hands across his face.

“Why don’t you go lie down until Quentin comes back with the pizza? You must be exhausted.” She put her hand on his arm and looked at him worriedly.

“I’m fine.” Why did his answer not surprise her?

“No, you’re not. Go lie down. I’ll get you when Quentin’s back with the food or if Sara wakes up. I promise.” She got up took his hand and dragged him off the couch and pushed him towards the living room door and his bedroom. He was going to lie down, whether he wanted to or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there is a lot of hate and dislike of Dinah Lance in the Arrow fandom. I can get that to a point but at the same time, what would you have done in her situation? How exactly was she supposed to stop her 19 year old, adult daughter, from leaving? 
> 
> Plus yeah, her leaving Starling and Laurel was an awful move but...understandable when looked at from her point of view. 
> 
> She felt she was responsible for Sara, her daughter's death because she "let" her adult daughter go on a boat trip. She felt guilty, she probably felt Quentin's alcoholism was her fault, he started drinking because Sara was dead, Sara was dead because she let her go... 
> 
> And Laurel, Laurel was the daughter that was still alive. A daughter who was incapable of grieving her baby sister because of said sister's betrayal. A betrayal she had let happen because she let her go on a boat trip with her first born's boyfriend. She had known about it and let it happen and if Laurel knew... if Laurel knew what she had done she would blame and hate her and being faced with the possibility to have her only remaining daughter hate her if she found out the truth and the only way of that not happening would be lying to her for the rest of her life?
> 
> So I don't know having her run makes sense. She felt responsible for all of the pain her family was going through. Plus she told Quentin in a deleted scene in season one that leaving Laurel was the hardest thing she ever had to do but that Laurel was off at law school and that Quentin by that time had already left her, chosing work over her and refused to go to therapy with her. 
> 
> And I'm not saying what she did was right. Laurel was only 22/23 years old (we never really learnt or I can't remember when Dinah moved away), lost her sister and her boyfriend and had to learn at the same time that two of the people she loved the most betrayed her. And then take on the responsibilty of taking care of her alcoholic, cop father... it was too much and she shouldn't have been the one doing that.  
> I'm just saying there are different sides to every story. No one is ever completely right or wrong.
> 
> And everything that is actually shown on Arrow paints her as a mother who loves her daughters. They're adults with their own lives, she's allowed to live in another city. Arrow was lazy and it was bad writing that they just kind of conveniently forgot that Laurel and Sara have a mom. Just like Legends tends to forget that Sara has a dad that she loves very much...


	12. Traumas, they surround me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The phone call from Oliver Queen a week ago had completely taken her by surprise. 
> 
> And now here she and Barry were, in Star City, in front of Oliver Queen’s unexpectedly open apartment door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating sooner, I unexpectedly had to go in to work a lot last week.
> 
> I really struggled with this chapter too...I'm still really not sure about it but I'm kinda at the point where I know rewriting it yet again won't improve it... so here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

Caitlin

The phone call from Oliver Queen a week ago had completely taken her by surprise. He usually contacted Barry when he needed something. Or Felicity called Cisco or her, as was generally the case. Oliver hardly ever contacted Team Flash, it was typically Team Arrow’s IT-genius who did that, and not rarely against the Green Arrow’s wishes. So this had been a doubly strange situation.

Logically, she had been intrigued. And boy, did she not expect his reason for calling. He had told her that he had a dear friend. A very dear friend who was pregnant and in need of a doctor. But she wasn’t comfortable with strangers touching her, given some past experiences. He didn’t elaborate, but he also didn’t have to. She was pretty sure she got the implication of what he was saying. He had asked her to be his pregnant friend’s, who she now assumed had been sexually abused in the past, OBY/GYN. So, he wondered if she were open to meeting with her and possibly becoming his friend’s personal physician, if his friend felt comfortable with her and liked her personality. But he put extra emphasis on letting her know that it was only if his friend, who was very precious to him, felt at ease with her. Yep, that was not what she had expected at all. And it was a rather odd inquiry, including what sounded a bit like a thread when he requested her to not share any of this conversation with anyone, period. Not even Barry.

But naturally, she had said yes. They had been talking about a traumatized, pregnant woman who needed help. A part of her felt flattered that he thought she could be of help in such a delicate endeavor. This was a very sensitive matter and Oliver seemed to think that she would be a good fit for his friend. A friend he seemed to care for deeply, given the great lengths he was going to in order to help her and the choice in words that he had used while talking about her, the words were rather endearing and that did not seem like Oliver at all. It almost seemed like he purposely chose those words to make a point and ensure that she knew how important the matter and woman were to him. But who had remained anonymous even now.

The phone call from Oliver Queen a week ago had surprised her.

The phone call from Thea Queen a couple of minutes ago had startled her, and not just because she had woken her up in the middle of the night. The young woman had sounded absolutely terrified. And the more Thea told her, the more concerned she became. This did not sound good under normal circumstances, but had the potential to become very serious and dangerous in very little time. She promised Thea that she would be there as fast as she could, hung up and called Barry right away, all the while throwing some of her things in a bag and writing down a list of possible supplies, for Barry to get after he dropped her off in Star City and she could analyze the situation and paint her own picture of the problem and whether it was purely psychological, as it appeared from Thea’s description or if it was a health issue too. Not just a physical manifestation of whatever specific moment resulting from her trauma she was currently battling with. They were talking about a pregnant woman, after all. Being on the safe side was crucial. 

Barry picked up after the fifth ring.

“Barry, hi, I’m sorry to call you this late. But Oliver Queen needs me to get to Star City as fast as possible. Could you run me there? It’s serious, it could even be potentially….” She never got around to finishing her sentence because Barry ended up standing in front of her before she could.

“What’s going on in Star? Why did Oliver call you?” The speedster was understandably confused and worried.

“It’s a personal matter, concerning a good friend of his. He is in need of a doctor. Look here’s a list of supplies I might need you to get for me after you dropped me off at Oliver’s and I could get a read of the situation, here is his new address that I got from Thea. Thank you for doing this and I’m sorry again for waking you up.” She grabbed everything she needed from her apartment and gave Barry the go-ahead.

And now here she and Barry were, in Star City, in front of Oliver Queen’s unexpectedly open apartment door. Where she had been supposed to meet with him and his “very dear” friend for their initial “getting to know you and see if we vibe” meeting in two days.

This was not how she had pictured meeting the mystery woman. She shared a quick, worried look with Barry. It seemed very atypical for Oliver to leave his apartment door open. They shared another look and Barry shrugged his shoulders, nodding towards the doorbell which she then proceeded to ring. Thea Queen was in front of them in record time and gave her a very unexpected and tight hug. She then moved to Barry and did the same. The poor young woman looked completely rattled and out of her depts. She appeared to be greatly relieved by their arrival, which was understandable, it did mean, that she was no longer the only one besides Oliver trying to help his friend.

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know what to do and I don’t think Ollie does either. I know he’s seriously scared for her. C’mon, they’re in the bathroom.” Thea dragged them inside in a hurry while summarizing the situation for them. Before, she suddenly stopped without warning so that both Barry and she nearly bumped into her.

“Don’t… she gets scared if you get too close. Ollie is the only one she’s not scared of. Just do what he tells you to. Okay?” The small brunette had a very serious and protective look on her face. Oliver’s friend appeared to be very dear to his sister too.

Thea resumed walking as soon as Barry and she confirmed her request, and she was satisfied with their answer.

The younger Queen stopped again on the threshold to a room on their right.

“Ollie? Caitlin’s here.” Her voice was quiet, and it was plain to see that she was trying to keep her concern out of it. She stepped back out into the hallway a short while later and motioned to her to step through the now empty doorway into the room behind it.

The scene that presented her when she set foot into the bathroom made her swallow thickly and her heart constrict painfully.

Oliver had his back to the wall on the right side of the toilet, his right arm was tightly wrapped around the blonde situated between his legs, his hand covering hers, his left hand was slowly caressing her, moving from her head down her neck to her arm and back up again, his face was pressed against the side of her head and he was quietly murmuring to her.

The tall man’s dear friend was leaning against him, her back to his chest, knees tightly held to her upper body, arms wrapped around them, face hidden behind her knees, and her whole body was shaking from the force of her sobs.

Caitlin was rooted to the spot and wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. She felt she was intruding and Thea’s words were still fresh in her mind. The last thing she wanted was to agitate the distraught woman even further. The doctor let her eyes sweep across the room for a moment to get a picture of the scene and situation. She noticed the still almost full water bottle sitting on the floor within reach of Oliver. A wet washcloth on the cabinet on the other side of the toilet and what appeared to be a light blue tank top and some leggings carelessly thrown in the sink and a wet towel in the bathtub. She also noticed, once her eyes returned to the pair on the floor that Oliver’s friend seemed to be wearing his sweater which was pulled over what she now realized where her naked legs a pair of thick wool socks completed the woman’s peculiar outfit, while he was only dressed in a t-shirt and jeans yet still wearing his shoes. Her eyes moved back to the sink, making the connection between Thea’s phone call, the clothes in the sink and the strange outfit without any difficulty.

She was startled when she looked back to the couple and noticed Oliver looking right at her for a moment before turning his attention back to the woman in his arms, softly talking to her again only this time she was able to make out the words, which was probably in big parts because her patient was no longer sobbing.

“Sara, Caitlin’s here. Is it alright if she comes a little closer? She needs to find out what’s wrong and how she can help you. She’s just going to come a little closer. She’s not going to touch you. And I’m right here, Sar-Bear. I’ll be here the whole time, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to leave you alone again. I promise I won’t leave you again. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I swear, Pretty Bird. I’ll be right here. Okay?” He moved his face next to hers and kissed her temple after reassuring her. She couldn’t help but be surprised and touched by how soft and gentle he was with her. It seemed that his… Sara…

Sara… Sara Lance? Laurel’s sister? The Canary? This was the first Canary? The badass Cisco was so enamored with? Just like he was with the Black Canary. Even though neither he nor anyone on Team Flash had met the other Lance sister so far. The woman they had heard so much about from Laurel and Felicity? The woman whose killer’s blood she had analyzed almost two years ago? The woman who was resurrected by the Lazarus Pit? Sara was his pregnant very dear and precious friend? His formerly abused pregnant friend?

It was difficult for her to connect the fragile-looking woman protectively enclosed by the muscular man’s whole body with the Arrow’s badass female companion she had heard so much about, from both Team Arrow and the news all those years ago, talking about the badass vigilante duo, speculating about their relationship and connection some even referring to the Canary as the Arrow’s girlfriend who he had probably recruited. Never knowing how they were both so close and yet so far from the actual truth.

Caitlin knew how much the Canary meant to Oliver. She vividly remembered the look of anguish on his face when Felicity had asked her if she could analyze the blood from the Canary’s killer. He trusted HER enough to put his very precious friend’s health into her hands? And not just her health, but her unborn child’s life too. Why? What had she done to earn that level of trust? Even more so from Oliver, a man who had trust issues to the extreme. That reminded her of that very first mission between the two teams. And Oliver’s thread if they told anyone his true identity. How his family would be in danger if people would find out who the Arrow was. Felicity had made light of it and joked, but she knew, and so did everyone else, that Oliver had been serious.

Which led to her considering what he might do if she screwed up and something happened to Sara or the baby? Oliver was very intense, and his methods tended to be a lot more brutal than Barry’s. He had become a lot more… well, she wouldn’t say mellow but less aggressive in the last two years to be fair. But she would never forget the first time Team Arrow and Team Flash had worked together shortly after Sara Lance’s death. Oliver had been cold and ruthless, his methods making Barry question the other man and his belief and trust in him… and whether he had been right to defend him and chose him as his mentor and someone to look up to. What would he do and how far would he go now if something should happen to Sara?

“Okay, it’s fine with her, you can come a little closer now. Just don’t come too close yet, leave her some space.” Oliver’s soft words ripped her from her current thoughts that had sidetracked her from her original ones that had pointed out to her it seemed Sara had given him some sign or form of confirmation because he had looked back to her and told her to come closer.

She moved slowly and bent down deliberately when she got closer to them and then sat on the floor with a sizable distance between them, but close enough that they could talk privately without the conversation carrying outside the room.

“Sara… can you tell me exactly what happened and how you feel? And I mean purely the physical aspects. That is all that I need to know right now. Okay?” she took her lead from the man, who appeared to know exactly what to do and how to treat her in this situation, which gave Caitlin the impression that this was not the first time he had found himself here and spoke in a soft, quiet tone of voice.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barry:

Barry had expected some Metahuman attacking Central City, given the time it was when Caitlin called. So the last words he had expected to come out of her mouth were “Oliver Queen”. Oliver had no reason to call her and never had before, as far as he knew. Until now. Oliver was not someone who asked for help, even less for help from someone he didn’t really know. So the last thing he had expected Caitlin to say were the words: “Oliver Queen needs me to get to Star City as fast as possible”. So he was at Caitlin’s place before she could get halfway through her explanation. Learning that Ollie had called her because of a personal matter made little sense, and he felt slightly hurt. Why wouldn’t Oliver call him? They were a lot closer than he was with Caitlin. So if it was a personal matter, shouldn’t Ollie have called him? Why would he call Caitlin? The woman answered his questions without being asked, it wasn’t about him but a friend of his, he guessed no one they knew, and she needed a doctor. That made more sense in one way, but not a lot in another. Why have Caitlin come all the way from Central City, when he could just take his friend to a hospital? Or Oliver and Dig both had basic medical knowledge. If she was hurt, they’d be able to help. The whole situation made less and less sense to him.

But Barry has known Caitlin long enough to realize just how serious she thought the situation in Star was, even if he couldn’t quite understand and believe it. So he just patiently waited for his friend to do whatever she needed to before giving him her cue to run them to Oliver’s new home.

He was still, after all these months, getting used to the thought of Oliver and Felicity no longer being an item. They were perfect for each other and he couldn’t understand what had happened. Well, he could, Felicity had told him, but still. It was hard for him to understand the very drastic measures Felicity had taken after she had learnt about Oliver’s son. Barry had known about William before anyone else including Oliver had and thought Oliver should tell her, but he could also understand why he hadn’t. His friend had not wanted to risk losing the chance to get to know the child whose life he had already missed out so much on. Because of a decision that was made for him without his consent. He respected the older man for his choice to be a part of his son’s life and even the one he had made just a short while ago to give up any chance of being a part of his life in order to protect him and keep him safe. He could understand that Felicity had felt hurt and angry, but he couldn’t understand that she hadn’t even considered trying to solve their issues and talk about the reasons why Oliver chose to do what he did. She had known that William’s mother hadn’t given Oliver much of a choice. So why did she blame him for what he did? Could you really blame a parent for doing whatever it took to be a part of their child’s life or to try to keep them safe at any cost? All of which he had told Felicity a while back. Just like everyone else. He was sure those were reasons that played into her deciding that she wanted to talk to Oliver and see if they could try again.

Caitlin then let him know that she was ready, and he put his thoughts on his two friends and the status of their relationship out of his mind for now, speeding off and stopping in front of an open apartment door. Why was the door to Oliver’s home open? That did not at all fit Mr-always-be-aware-of-your-surroundings paranoia at all. The Green Arrow would never just leave the door to his home open. This was the moment that Barry realized that something was seriously wrong here, more so than he had thought. He considered for a moment to just speed inside real quick and see what was going on right before Oliver’s younger sister showed up at the open front door. Thea’s behavior pretty much confirmed his suspicion and justified his growing concern. He felt guilty for his thoughts and grateful that he hadn’t done it after the situation with Oliver’s friend and how anyone’s presence beside his was scaring her, was explained to them, not that she or Oliver would’ve seen him and therefore ever known that he had been there. But still, it would’ve been wrong. 

He also stayed back outside when Thea motioned for Caitlin to enter the room and made it clear to him that he was to stay outside with her. Even though his curiosity was nearly killing him. 

“How about we wait in the living room for them?” He dragged his eyes away from the entrance that led to the answers of so many of his questions to focus on the woman who had addressed him. 

“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” He followed the younger of the Queen siblings back down the hall they had just walked up and into what he realized was actually the kitchen and not the living room. 

“Do you want… can I get you anything? I mean, I don’t actually know what they have besides bottled water but knowing the two of them I’m pretty sure there’s coffee and probably some vitamin water, juice and some power bars around somewhere…” Thea slipped right into the role of the perfect hostess almost seamlessly which he assumed was a testament to her upbringing. But she slightly faltered when she realized that she didn’t know the contents of the kitchen and therefore what she could offer him. This led to him noticing how lost she looked in her older brother’s kitchen. Hadn’t Oliver been back for a while now? How come Thea felt out of place and uncomfortable at the concept of going through his kitchen cabinets to figure out what foods and drinks he had? The Queen siblings were very close, so close that they had chosen to live together two years ago. What was going on here? Why would Thea feel anything but at home at her big brother’s apartment? How was it that she looked as if she felt out of place and as if she were intruding? He was sure that Oliver considered any place he lived in Thea’s home too, so why didn’t she feel that way too? And instead acted like she would in a stranger’s apartment, but not her family’s? Was it because of his roommate? And how did that happen? Oliver was not the roommate type at all. Why did it seem as if this was the first time she had been at the apartment? 

“Don’t worry about it. Water’s fine.” He smiled at her before addressing her again: “Can I ask you something?” Thea got him the bottle of water from the fridge and handed it to him, nodding at his question. 

“What’s going on?” He was still trying to make heads and tails out of all the information he had gathered but came up missing too much to come even close to understanding what was transpiring right now.

Thea sighed and looked at him seriously before she told him to follow her and gestured towards what he presumed was the living room given her earlier words. They were on their way there when they saw Quentin Lance just inside the apartment. That was when Barry realized that they had also left the door open. 

“Thea, thank god! What’s going on? Are you okay? Are Sara and Oliver okay? Laurel tried to call all three of you and called me when she wasn’t able to reach any of you.” The older man rushed towards them and checked the young woman for injuries. 

“I’m fine. And Ollie’s fine, too. Ollie and Caitlin, Dr. Snow are with Sara…” Thea started to explain before Quentin’s urgent questions interrupted her:

“Is Sara okay? What’s wrong? Where is she?” Quentin was ready to rush past them and look for what Barry now realized was his younger daughter when Thea stopped him with a hand on his arm. 

“Wait! I’ll explain everything. Let’s just go to the living room and sit down. Caitlin is with her now. Making sure that she’s okay.” Thea motioned towards the door to their left what Barry assumed would lead to the living room. 

Laurel’s father looked past Thea for a moment before taking a deep breath and walking into the room Thea had gestured towards, Barry following him.

“Dig, Laurel and I have been trying to get Ollie to come to the Bunker for a while now to help us. He finally agreed to come tonight. He stopped at my college to pick me up. I think he stopped because it was on the way to the Bunker and he was having a panic attack. That’s how I found him. I helped him calm down, and we decided that it would be better if I was the one driving. We were barely on the road when Ollie’s cell rang and Sara called, but I don’t think she was actually on the other end. At least not going on Ollie’s side of the conversation, or lack thereof. I just know that the call seriously freaked him out, and he told me to turn around and drive him back home. I let him out at the curb and then parked the car in the garage. When I got up here, the door was open and Ollie was in the bathroom with Sara. She was hysterical and had made herself sick. Ollie tried to calm her down and get her to drink some water once she was calmer but she threw it right back up which made her cry again. That’s when Ollie told me to call Caitlin and get her here as fast as I can. I think Sara is having a really bad episode of PTSD.” Thea got really upset while recounting what had happened during the last couple of hours and Barry found it not hard to understand why. 

“Sara… when I brought Ollie the bottle of water he asked me to get him, when I stepped closer to give it to him, Sara got seriously scared and flinched away. When I first got here, she was both holding on to and pushing him away. She’s been fine with his presence and touch for a while now. Ollie’s the only person she’s not scared of right now. I don’t want her to get even more upset than she already is. I’m sorry, Quentin. That’s why I kept you from rushing to her. I don’t think it would help, I think it would actually make things worse. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t been bugging Ollie so much about the Bunker and the Green Arrow, he wouldn’t have left Sara alone. He would’ve been here and she would be fine.” Thea’s voice broke at the end and she brushed a tear from her cheek. 

“Thea… this is not your fault. Oliver was bound to leave Sara alone at some point.” Quentin reassured the upset young woman. 

Barry was still stuck on the revelation about who the woman with Oliver was. Sara, Sara Lance, Laurel’s younger sister, Quentin Lance’s other daughter. The woman with Oliver, the reason he had called Caitlin, was Sara? Some things made a lot more sense now. It made sense that he wouldn’t trust a stranger with her health, even less if they were right and PTSD was the reason for her issues. 

Barry found the information he had just gained very hard to swallow. He and both Team Arrow and Flash were of course aware of Oliver’s issues springing from his five years of trauma, but he had never heard any of them so openly discussing them, even less consequences he was dealing with because of it, like the anxiety attack Thea had mentioned. How come he didn’t know Oliver had those? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I already said, I really struggled with this chapter, mostly because I'm not that familiar with the Flash and writing Caitlin and Barry was really difficult because of it. I hope I sort of managed to capture them. Having them in the story is sort of important and I really tried to get their characters down. Let me know if I didn't and what it was that I did wrong with their characters or voices... Caitlin plays an important role in the story and Barry was the best and fastest way to get her to where she needed to be. I also like the two of them because of their connection with both Oliver and Felicity. And we never really go to see any of Team Flash's reaction to Sara...which I think is a shame. So I'm trying to make up for that.


	13. It's my fault, I know I'm selfish; scream and yell, but I feel speechless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was pulled from his thoughts when Oliver walked into the room. The sight surprised him, he’d been here for hours but the young man had never left his daughter’s side. Until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait again.  
> This is the longest chapter I've written so far, so I hope this makes up for the wait.  
> Let me know what you think and thank you to everyone who keeps reading.

Quentin:

He had been worried from the moment Laurel had called him to ask if he had heard anything from the Queen siblings. That they were supposed to be at the Bunker with them but never showed and couldn’t be reached on their cell phones either. When she then went on to tell him, she couldn’t reach her sister either, he had trouble keeping his emotions in check and out of his voice. His first born was already worried enough there was no need to let her know that he was terrified about what might have happened to his youngest now. His pregnant daughter couldn’t be reached, neither could her roommate, who he presumed was the unborn child’s father, or his sister. He would be very concerned under normal circumstances, even knowing that all three were quite capable of taking care of themselves even in dangerous situations, he had lost his baby too many times not to be, but knowing her current condition just amplified that concern and took it to a level he never knew even existed.

So, he told Laurel that he would go over to their place and check up on them. He had planned to visit them soon, anyway.

The drive over there felt like one of the longest of his life and it was very difficult for him to not go over the speed limit and stay concentrated on the road and not on all the countless possibilities of the type of situation he might end up encountering once he arrived at his destination. A couple of decades as a cop was not helpful in circumstances like this, he had seen too much to keep his imagination from painting all kinds of horrible, gruesome scenes involving his pregnant baby girl and both Queen siblings.

He parked the car and got up to the top floor in record time. He didn’t know what he had expected to walk in to, but it wasn’t an open door. Neither Sara nor Oliver would ever leave the entrance door to their home unlocked, even less open. And certainly not as wide as it was. It looked like someone had used a great deal of force and amount of strength to open it. 

Had someone broken into their apartment? Had they been attacked? His years of being a member of the police force kicked in automatically and he started to analyze the possible crime scene, making sure not to touch or disturb any potential evidence. He carefully stepped inside, part of him wishing he were still carrying a firearm. He had only just stepped into his younger daughter’s home, Sara’s home, she had actually a place to call home for the first time since she got on that damn yacht ten years ago; he put the thought and any that could follow it, out of his mind for the time being, storing them to be analyzed later, when Thea Queen stepped into his sight, that Allen kid from Central City following her down the corridor and towards him.

He rushed towards her, his trained eyes checking her over for any signs of a struggle or injuries, all the while bombarding her with questions. The meaning behind her words only registering with him after he had ensured that she was in fact fine, like she told him. If Thea was fine and Oliver was fine… that meant Sara was the one who wasn’t fine. Sara was the reason why no one had been able to reach the Queen’s. Once the thought that something was seriously wrong enough with his daughter, that neither of the siblings would answer their phones, was processed in his mind, his parental instincts kicked in and he tried to get past Thea, to where he assumed his daughter was. 

Just to have the tiny brunette stop him with a soft touch to his arm. Promising that she would explain everything to them in the living room. Sara was being taken care of by Oliver and Dr. Snow. There was nothing he could do for her right now. His eyes traveled back to Thea, passing the kid and once again to the hallway behind them before he decided to do as he was asked and walk in the direction Thea had motioned to.

Quentin decided to sit down on the armchair, slightly to the side, which gave him the chance to both see outside to the balcony and the surrounding city on one side and the entrance to the living room on the other. He was surprised about how a randomly placed armchair seemed to be positioned in such a strategic location in the living room. He had to grudgingly admit, even if only to himself, that it took him a moment to come to the realization that the placement of the armchair was probably not by chance or accident. That it was purposely done by Oliver and Sara. He let his eyes travel around the room after that, taking in the place his child chose to call her home.

The way the furniture was placed around the room looked strange and peculiar at first glance or to someone who didn’t know who was living here. It looked random. But he only had to let his eyes roam the room twice to notice that none of it was random, just like the armchair had not been placed randomly. The furniture was placed in a way that ensured no matter where you chose to sit, you could always see all the possible ways to enter the room, including the balcony. There was a wall behind every piece of furniture you could sit on, ensuring that no one could sneak up on you from behind, while you were relaxing, unsuspecting and therefore vulnerable. Every single piece of furniture in their living room was strategically placed to prevent anyone from attacking them unawares. This newfound knowledge made him frown and worry. This did not seem healthy and was something he decided he needed to address at a later point in time.

He concentrated on Thea as soon as she started to speak and recount the events that had led to this moment. What he heard concerned him greatly. He had suspected that they weren’t doing as well as they pretended to, but he had never thought it would be this bad. He had realized what could only have been referred to as codependency between Sara and Oliver that afternoon at Laurel’s, but it now sounded as if it were a lot more extreme than he had first thought.

It was easy to detect the distress and guilt in the young woman and Quentin was quick to ensure her that none of this was her fault and she was not to blame for any of it.

“Thea… this is not your fault. Oliver was bound to leave Sara alone at some point.” His voice was firm but kind. Thea nodded halfheartedly, and he knew that she was not agreeing with him. But there wasn’t much more he could do about it. Maybe Oliver and Sara telling her the same thing later on would do the job. 

All three of them descended into silence after that. Letting everything they’ve seen or learnt settle and leaving the others to their own thoughts.

He was still trying to wrap his mind around everything that Thea had told him and had happened in the last two weeks since the two blondes return home. He wasn’t sure how long they’ve sat in silence when Dr. Snow entered the living room.

“Barry, do you still have the list I gave you in Central? I need to change a few things and add some more, and then I need you to get it for me.” She walked towards the Allen kid who was handing her a piece of paper that he removed from his pants pocket and a pen that had been lying on the living room table. The woman entrusted with his baby’s health was scribbling some things on it and handing it back to the boyish man.

“Okay, this should be everything. It’s really important that you get the exact product. Which should be no problem. You can get most of it at Star Labs. Thank you!” Caitlin Snow’s voice was serious and firm and yet she managed to convey gratefulness and kindness, not an easy feat. It was not hard for him to see why Oliver chose her to tend to Sara. Her calm, professional mannerism and her kind nature would speak to Sara and put her at ease whereas someone else would probably fail.

Barry took a quick glance at the paper and then was off in a flash, no pun intended.

He was back before they knew it, handing the Doctor a cart full of what looked like medical supplies.

“This is everything you asked for.” He told her while pushing it towards her.

“Thank you!” She took the handle from him and walked back out of the living room, taking her supplies with her.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Allen kid had left a while ago, after receiving a phone call, telling them to let Caitlin or Oliver know, to call him if they needed anything or if there was something he could do.

Thea decided a couple of minutes ago that she would go make sure that there wasn’t anything they needed. Like maybe something to drink. Quentin was still sitting in the same armchair. Wondering about the place his daughter called her home for the first time in years. Worrying about her and what was going on with her and hoping that she would be okay.

He was pulled from his thoughts when Oliver walked into the room. The sight surprised him, he’d been here for hours but the young man had never left his daughter’s side. Until now.

He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked paler than usual. He looked… small. Which was a weird word to use to describe the tall man. But he looked rather small and reminded him of the young boy he had first met over twenty years ago.

“How is she?” Oliver turned his head towards him and looked taken by surprise.

“Quentin. Hi. She’s… she’s better, doing okay. Caitlin and Thea are with her. They thought, and Sara agreed, that I could use some fresh air.” Oliver sounded as tired as he looked and rather unhappy about the decision that the women made for him.

“Can you elaborate a little more? I’d like to be prepared to answer the questions my lawyer daughter will be asking without doubt. She’s been worried sick about the three of you. I’d like to be ready for the cross-examination.” He tried to add some humor to lighten the mood a little. It seemed to backfire.

“You’re planning on telling Laurel? I’d have to ask you not to do that. Please.” Oliver gave him a stern look.

He couldn’t believe what Oliver was asking him to do, even less after he just told the man that his older daughter was worried sick about her sister and both him and his younger sister. And he was asking him not to tell her what was going on with Sara? His look must have given his incredulity away.

“Laurel would only blame herself for what’s going on with Sara. And Sara doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want Laurel to feel responsible for what she’s going through. She’s not blaming her, so she doesn’t see the point in Laurel doing exactly that. She knows that Laurel’s heart was in the right place, that she was only trying to give her another chance at life. A life that she felt was taken too soon. I ask you to please respect Sara’s wishes and not tell Laurel. She never meant for anyone to know how much she’s struggling…”

“You mean anyone but you? She never meant for anyone but you to know how much she’s struggling.” He knew that his tone was bitter, but why wouldn’t it be? Oliver still seemed to think he knew what was best for his family and that it was his right to decide who deserved to know what. Not to forget the fact that he was currently keeping him from his daughter and at the same time speaking for her.

Oliver rubbed his hands over his face again. He seemed exasperated and close to his breaking point. The question was, what was going to happen when the younger man broke. Would he lose his temper? As he was known to do. Or would he flee, which was also a tactic he was known to use to avoid a conversation or confrontation he didn’t feel like having. And then there was the tiniest chance that he would actually relent to whatever demand his opponent made.

“Look, Quentin, I’m… I’ll answer any of your questions as well as I can without betraying Sara’s trust. Just please don’t tell Laurel. I just need… just give me a couple… I just need to make one phone call. Sara’s been asking for her mom. I need to call Dinah. Sara’s been asking for her, she needs her here right now. She needs her mom. Just let me call her and then… we can talk after.” Oliver seemed desperate and determined to get Sara’s mother here. Quentin nodded to let the younger man know that it was fine, he could wait a little longer, he’s already been waiting for hours as it was. If his baby wanted her mom, that’s who she was going to get, and Oliver appeared to be on the same page as him, in this regard at least. 

He watched the man, he had so many conflicting emotions about, step outside onto the balcony and put his phone to his ear as soon as he had closed the door behind himself.

The former detective watched Oliver from inside the living room. He had walked all the way to the railing. His back towards him, and yet he was easy to read for once. His shoulders were tense, yet he was slightly hunched over the railing at the edge of the balcony. He moved his hand over his face on several occasions. Once he hung up and stored the phone in his back pocket, he hunched over the railing and dropped his head into his hands. Part of Quentin felt bad for the young man he had known for most of his life, and just wanted to comfort him. But the other part, the part that still blamed him for every bad thing that has happened to either of his daughters, and Sara especially, from the moment they had set foot on the Queen’s Gambit, wanted to confront him about what was going on with his daughter and demand the answers he was so desperately seeking. Including the explanation as to how exactly he ended up becoming a grandfather. He expected more from them, especially Oliver after William and everything that has happened from the moment the older Queen had learnt about the boy’s existence. A child was the last thing either of the two needed in their lives. He was even more sure of it after everything he had learnt tonight. They should have known better. They should’ve been more careful. Or just kept their hands off each other. You’d think they would’ve learnt by now. Nothing good ever came out of Oliver and Sara getting involved. Which brought him back to the question, were they involved? Oliver better get his act together and step up to be the man and father that both Sara and the baby needed and deserved.

He reigned his spiraling thoughts back in and decided to join Oliver outside to talk to him. The door between them and the living room would provide them with the privacy he was looking for.

“Oliver… Is Dinah coming?” He decided to not go to a direct attack and to ease into the conversation instead. He would probably get more out of Oliver this way. Oliver tended to close up and attack if he was confronted and ended up feeling threated. So, he decided to go with the question with the easiest answer. He was sure she was coming. She had made good of the promise she had made him almost three years ago. When she told him she wasn’t going to disappear again, that she would be there for the girls and him. So, there was no question in his mind whether she would come, knowing that their youngest and predominantly absent daughter had asked for her.

“She’ll be here as fast as she can. She’ll let the college know that she’s taking some personal days because of an urgent family matter.” Oliver slowly turned towards him. He sounded both relieved, but also exhausted. He ran his hands over his face again before crossing them in front of his chest, leaning his back against the banister.

“I guess you’re here for the answers I promised you. Might as well tell you everything, I’ve already broken her trust once tonight, what’s one more time, right?” He sounded bitter and self-deprecating, chuckling humorlessly.

“Sara… Sara’s…” Oliver uncrossed his arms again to run his hands over his face yet another time. He seemed distressed and to seriously struggle to tell him what was going on. Quentin finally realized why Oliver had been reluctant to talk to him to begin with. And what a tremendous deal this was. He was uncomfortable telling him something about Sara that he felt wasn’t his place to share. He was breaking her trust by doing this. Quentin hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was doing the right thing, demanding answers from Oliver, answers Sara didn’t seem to want him to have. Forcing him to break his daughter's trust. Did he really want to do that? Demanding the only person his baby seemed to trust completely at the moment to break said trust? To betray her? He knew that the answer to those questions should be no. No, he shouldn’t want this but his need to know, his anger that sprung from years of lies, deceit and secrets didn’t care about the consequences this action might bring. Oliver had decided on too many occasions what he was and wasn’t to know and what was best for his family. It was time for this to end.

Oliver took a deep breath, crossed his arms in front of his chest once more and started again.

“Sara… Sara’s been struggling with… Sara’s been struggling with what you could call ‘flashbacks’, I guess, for a while now. She told me before she left Star eight months ago that she thought some of her memories were missing. This believe was brought on by something Dinah told her. You remember that time she got lost on her way home from school? She was sure that it was something that she should remember. It was only the first clue for her. There were others. Well, the memories are coming back to her now… the pleasant ones and the bad ones… and unfortunately also the ones she’d repressed as a coping mechanism because it was the only way for her to keep going, to stay sane, to survive. And because she… because of…” Quentin was surprised when Oliver just started to explain his daughter’s situation with no probing from him or specific questions. He would’ve expected that he’d try to get out of telling him everything by waiting for him to ask questions and only answer those as sparsely as he could. He listened intently to what his daughter’s confidant was telling him, feeling guilty but at the same time grateful to know what his baby girl was going through, even if the knowledge was breaking his heart.

He, of course, noticed when Oliver faltered in his explanation and rubbed his hand across his face again, taking a deep breath, squaring his shoulders, standing up to his full height as if he were preparing to go into battle, before continuing.

“Sara, Sara’s probably not going to be happy with me about telling you any of this… but since I’m already breaking her trust with what I just told you… so, I guess one more thing won’t matter and I might as well make sure I give her reason enough to be pissed off and kick my ass. Right?” Oliver’s voice was even more bitter than before, and the severity of his actions finally seemed to fully register in his mind. There was a chance Sara would never forgive Oliver for this. There was also a chance Sara would never forgive him for forcing Oliver to do this. 

Was this knowledge worth that risk?

He was just about to say something to stop the man from saying anymore when Oliver continued. 

“Sara’s pregnant.” Quentin took a step back and sagged. He had already known, well suspected, but hearing the words made it so much more real. Oliver pushed on before he got the chance to say something or process the sudden, unexpected turn in their conversation.

“It was one night. We were both in a dark place, just seeking comfort in each other… I don’t… I swear we were careful… more careful than… I swear… this was never supposed to happen, we never meant for this to happen. It never should’ve…” for the first time since Oliver started to talk Quentin could feel his anger return with a vengeance. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He just sought comfort in his daughter? They were more careful than… than what or when? So, they used to not be careful? Was Oliver saying he had risked knocking one of his daughter’s up while he was dating the other? Was that supposed to comfort or placate him? And she wasn’t supposed to get pregnant? What did he mean by that? It was her fault? Was he seriously blaming his emotionally imbalanced daughter for the unplanned and, obviously from his words, unwanted pregnancy? Quentin saw red.

“Excuse me?! Maybe you should have thought about that before you used my daughter as a source of comfort after you napalmed your relationship with Felicity. You’d think after the last couple of months you would’ve realized that even meaningless sex can lead to pregnancy and acted accordingly. I’d expected that type of behavior form the boy you used to be before the Island, but not from the man I watched you become over the last couple of years. Why would you be so reckless and stupid knowing the danger you put a baby in this life in? Not to forget the danger you put Sara in during the pregnancy. You should not be bringing a child in to the world or raising it given the current situation you’re in. Neither of you should be raising a baby, not in your current mental states. I expected more from you. Both of you.” His voice was tinged with both anger and disappointment.

Quentin expected Oliver to defend himself, argue with him, anything really but the reaction he received.

“You’re right. You are absolutely right with everything you just said. This is my fault. I should’ve never let this happen. And Sara and I are both very aware of the danger any children of ours would be in. This is why we decided not to keep the baby. We are giving it up for adoption. That way it has a chance to grow up in a safe, normal and happy environment being raised by qualified, healthy parents. Which is something both Sara and I would never be able to provide, not with all of our baggage and the struggles we are both dealing with on a daily basis.” This last and probably hardest to swallow, revelation of Oliver’s completely took Quentin aback. He had never thought, the thought never even crossed his mind, that they, or at least Sara, wouldn’t raise their child, even less just hand the baby over to strangers. Sara loved children, she had always wanted children. They must be aware that they would have help. He, Laurel, Thea and he was sure Dinah too would be more than willing to help them raise their child. Family was the most important thing to both of them. So, why would they give up the newest member of their families? To complete strangers, no less. 

Quentin looked at Oliver again, ready to give him another piece of his mind or maybe ask some of the questions running through his mind, and inadvertently had to think back to the last time he had seen him and what Laurel had told him after her meeting with her friend. He had expected his daughter to be in a bad place, her actions before tonight were a testament of how bad a place she was in. He had expected Oliver to be in a place slightly less good than he pretended to be in, and worse than he wanted people to know but this… this meant that things, that both Sara and especially Oliver seemed to be doing a lot, and he meant a lot worse than he had thought. They wouldn’t give their child, their own flesh and blood up to strangers otherwise. The thought probably wouldn’t even cross their minds.

“The pregnancy is making her more emotional. This leads to her not being able to repress the awful memories again. And she can’t deal with them the way she used to. Tonight was an especially terrible event she was forced to remember. This is my fault. I should’ve never left her alone at night. I should’ve known better.” Oliver gave him no time to reply to the bomb he had just dropped and just pushed on and explained tonight’s events. His shoulders were hunched now and his head bowed, buried in his hands. Quentin felt his heart constrict and regretted forcing the young man to reveal all of this. He was just about to say something when Thea stepped outside and reluctantly walked towards them.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but Sara’s asking for you, Ollie.” She sounded apprehensive and apologetic while eyeing them with a slightly curious look.

Oliver walked stiffly passed him and his sister to check up on his pregnant daughter.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quentin couldn’t stop himself to at least make sure Sara was okay by looking in on her. So, he stopped outside the open door to her bedroom.

Sara was lying on her bed, an IV in her arm supplying her with fluids she could not keep down and therefore provide her body with otherwise. According to Dr. Snow, call me Caitlin. 

Her head was resting on Oliver’s chest, one of her hands was buried in his shirt, holding on to it, the other was interlocked with one his’, holding it to her chest, one of her legs was draped over one of his and her face was buried in his neck. Oliver was holding on to her tightly with the hand that wasn’t interlocked with hers, his head resting atop of hers, they lay there quietly and it would’ve been easy to assume they were asleep, if it weren’t for the fact that both their eyes were wide open.

Quentin looked passed his daughter and up to Oliver, who had lifted his head slightly, looking straight at him before moving his head towards Sara again and whispering something to her which led to his daughter slowly turning her head towards him.

“Daddy?” Her voice was small, hoarse and quiet and her body stiffened noticeably.

“Hi baby. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you are doing and let you know that your mom called. She’ll be here within the hour. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” He smiled at her sadly and left again. Her reaction to him had hurt, but mostly because knowing whatever had happened to her, that she was remembering, led to her being afraid of him, her own father.

It wasn’t hard to figure out what it probably was. Even less for a former detective. The knowledge that someone had violated his baby in such a way made him sick to his stomach, and he just wanted to cry. Knowing that someone had done this to his daughter, someone had felt entitled to take something of hers against her will… He wanted to scream, to find out who it was and shoot them.

He had to admit that her reaction to Oliver, given this newfound piece of information, that part of him wished he would’ve never been made aware of, was surprising and a testament to the amount of trust she had in the man. 

She felt safe with him. 

With a man who was known for his temper, bursts of violence and brutality as the Green Arrow. A man who had killed. All of which she had witnessed numerous times over the years. A man that scared many people, including the worst of the worst and himself once or twice. Yet, he was the only person that managed to make Sara feel safe. 

How? 

What had transpired between the two of them that led to that amount of trust? To such a strong bond between them? And when had it transpired?

The guilt about his actions earlier came back full force. 

He should’ve never forced Oliver to betray Sara’s trust. He hoped that whatever it was that had led to the amount of trust his baby girl had in the father of her child, was strong enough to get past this. 

For all of their sakes.


	14. The world is spinning but only in gray spiral into the unknown Somebody shatter me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, this hurt. Hurt so badly. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She had long stopped to try to dry the onslaught of tears rolling down her cheeks. The knuckles on her hands were white from the force of her grip on the edges of the sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait again. I hope this chapter was worth it. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

Laurel:

Laurel looked up from the sink she had been staring into and holding on to for who knows how long. Just to see a face that looked a lot like hers but couldn’t possibly be, stare back at her. The woman in the mirror looked pale, with red-rimmed eyes, her bottom lip was split, probably from biting down too hard to keep anyone from hearing her cry. Hiding in Oliver and Sara’s bathroom. She just now noticed that the laundry machine in the bathroom's corner was on, right in the middle of the spinning circle. This might have also hidden the sound of her cries, if she was lucky.

This was a weird time to be doing laundry…

But what bewildered her the most about the image in front of her was the look of utter devastation and the pain in her eyes. Her hair was a big mess too. But worst of all was the reason why she was in the emotional state she was currently in. Why she felt like her heart was torn to shreds. No, not because of everything she’s just learnt about her sister’s struggles from Oliver, struggles she was going through because of her. Because she had decided to play God and bring her back from the dead. And now Sara was the one suffering for her sins. Sara was the one carrying the consequences of her older sister’s actions. 

And no, not because of the tough time one of her best friends was currently facing after giving up his son because of the danger he would put him in if he were in his life. Both of those things would have been a plausible and understandable reason for her to be upset and for her to be hurting about. But no, none of those very real and justifiable reasons were why she was feeling this pain. No, the utter and complete agony she was in right now had nothing to do with empathy, they were purely selfish.

And that knowledge made her feel horrible.

She wished her feelings were rooted in sympathy and were a manifestation of the pain of knowing just how much two of the most important people in her life were struggling. But they were not. She couldn’t think about their pain right now. As selfish as that was, and it made her feel. But there was nothing she could do about that right now. She was too focused on her own pain. It was too fresh to push aside to be compassionate. Everything she had just learnt in the last hour was just too much to handle and deal with at once, so she needed to pick and focus on something and that happened to be the thing that was causing her pain. That affected her own emotions the most because it touched her very core and brought back a lot of feelings she had buried years ago. Feelings she had thought she was passed. Feelings that had now led to Oliver being able to shatter her heart for the umpteenth time and leave her all alone in agony again. Needing to pick up the pieces all by herself once more.

Oliver was going to be a father again…

Oliver was having a baby…

Oliver was going to have a second child…

Oliver was going to be a father again… to another woman’s child… again.

Oliver was having a baby… with someone that wasn’t her… again.

Oliver was going to have a second child… and she won’t be its mother… again.

Sara was pregnant. With Oliver’s child. Sara was going to make Oliver a father again, Sara was having Oliver’s baby, Sara was going to have Oliver’s second child.

Her baby sister was carrying her ex-boyfriend’s second child.

Her ex-boyfriend had knocked up her baby-sister. The sister he had cheated on her with. The sister he had chosen over her, twice. The sister he had gotten back together with as soon as he had found out that she was alive and she had come back home, during a time he had told both her and Felicity that he couldn’t be with anyone that he cared about, that it was too much. Unless it was Sara, it seemed. Sara, everything always seemed to come back to her with Oliver. Her sister seemed to be the exception to a lot of things where her ex was concerned.

And now they were having a baby, together. The two of them. Sara and Oliver. Oliver and Sara. Two of the most important people in her life. Two people that she loved so, so very much, yet had hurt her so bad and left wounds so deep that she wasn’t sure they would ever properly heal. She thought they had, at least mostly. That she was passed it. That the wounds had scarred over. And those pangs and the slight pain she might feel every once in a while when something reminded her of her sister and ex-boyfriend’s betrayal was just itching scar tissue, phantom pains. She had been wrong. Oliver had just ripped those wounds wide open with one, well two short sentences.

_“Sara’s pregnant. The baby is mine.”_

That had hurt, hurt more than learning about William all those months ago had. Hurt more than she rationally knew it should. She and Oliver had been over for years. She was over him. She had moved passed their betrayal. She was fine. Well, she had been or at least thought she was until Oliver had ripped those old wounds wide open again and she realized that she was not passed it. That she had simply repressed her feelings. She couldn’t do that now. Now that her old wound was open again and dripping agonizing pain.

_“Sara’s pregnant. The baby is mine.”_

Open, gaping flesh wound. She knows that there was a lot he had said that she hadn’t heard. That she had been incapable of hearing or processing anything that had come after his revelation. 

_"Sara’s pregnant. The baby is mine.”_

The next thing she did hear was the salt that he so callously poured into her gaping flesh wound.

_“… it was just one night, it meant nothing… unplanned… so we’re giving the baby up for adoption…”_

Sara was pregnant. Her baby sister was pregnant. It was hard enough for her to wrap her head around that piece of news on its own. Adding Oliver to the mix only made it all seem even more surreal. Was she dreaming? Was this some weird nightmare? Or some joke she didn’t get yet? Sara and Oliver were going to be parents. Only not really. They were going to have a baby but as if to add insult to injury they were giving the baby up for adoption.

God, this hurt. Hurt so badly. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She had long stopped to try to dry the onslaught of tears rolling down her cheeks. The knuckles on her hands were white from the force of her grip on the edges of the sink.

Sara and Oliver were planning on giving their baby away.

She loved her sister, more than anything… but she just didn’t… sometimes she just couldn’t understand her or her decisions. No matter how much she tried. So much about Sara was a mystery to her. It didn’t use to be, at least not like this. Not like it was ever since she came back almost three years ago. She didn’t understand the way Sara’s thought process worked. She still had trouble making the connection between her bubbly, happy, outgoing baby sister that she used to be and the person she was now. So much of Sara’s past, of the nearly six years that she was away, was still a mystery to her, just like the reasons that had led to Sara being on her boyfriend’s father’s yacht to begin with. If someone would ask her if she knew her sister, her first instinct would still be to say yes. With no hesitation. 

But did she? 

There was so much she didn’t know about Sara’s life, about her past, about the reasons why she made the choices she did. So, how could she know her sister, the person she was now, without knowing the things that made her this way? How could she move past the pain Sara had caused her without knowing why she had done to her what she did? How could she possibly heal the part about her relationship with her sister that had been and still was broken without knowing the reason why Sara chose to break it in the first place? Why Sara had chosen Oliver over her. Twice. This almost felt like a third time… somehow. But she couldn’t put her finger on it why. Maybe because different than her, Sara actually talked to Oliver. Oliver actually knew what Sara had been through. Oliver knew Sara, because Sara chose to let Oliver know her. Sara chose to let Oliver in time and time again, while she chose to push her away or at least keep her at arm's length… right now both figuratively and literally. 

How could she possibly understand why Sara made the choices she did without knowing the person her sister had become? She still couldn’t understand why Sara had left Oliver so soon after she had finally “got” him, after he had very clearly and publicly chosen the younger one of the Lance sisters. It made little to no sense to her.

Now she had ended up pregnant with his child. During what Oliver had dubbed a “meaningless one nightstand” or something along those lines. But could it really be meaningless if you cared about the other person, even if only half as much as Sara and Oliver obviously cared for each other?

So, why was she giving up their baby now? Instead of using this as a chance to reconcile, she was giving the child away to strangers. Why? Why would she do this? Why would she choose this? If she were in Sara’s shoes, she would use the baby to convince Oliver to give them another try and she was sure Felicity would agree with her on this and do the same. She would look at this baby as a sign for them to give it another shot. Make it work this time around. 

Why wouldn’t Sara do the same?

She knew that they cared about each other, she would even go as far as saying loved each other even if it were only like family, and she really didn’t think that was it.

The realization she had had eight months ago, was one she was still battling with and regularly mulled over, at least during those nights she lay awake during the darkest hours and let herself think about the past and all the what ifs and if only’s. The nights she let herself think about Sara and Oliver and their affair. The nights she let herself think and wonder about the whys. Those were also the nights she remembered the moment that she had realized that Oliver loved her sister. The moment he had broken down in Sara’s arms, holding on to her for dear life, repeating her name like a mantra. The moment that it had sunk in for him that Sara was really, truly alive again. And she knew, she knew that Sara loved Oliver. Or did she? She had to, right? She wouldn’t have risked, wouldn’t have ruined and broken the bond between sisters they shared if she didn’t love him, or would she? Maybe back when she went on the Gambit with him. She had been known for her reckless behaviour. But not after she returned home. Sara was an intelligent woman, she must have known that getting back together with Oliver… getting back together sounded wrong even in her own mind… getting back together made it sound like they were exes that reconciled not like two people who had fucked behind her, his girlfriend’s and her older sister’s back. It made it sound almost normal, unpreventable. Okay. Sara must have known that getting with Oliver as soon as she came back home would not help her with reconciling their relationship. She had risked their sisterly bond, risked that she would never, ever forgive her to be with Oliver. So Sara must love Oliver to take such an enormous risk with her relationship with her sister, right?

So, if she was right, and they did love each other, why choose this? Why would anyone choose to give their child away? To have it raised by strangers? She could understand this choice given some circumstances, but none of those applied to Sara and Oliver. She just didn’t understand, couldn’t understand their choice. Oliver had sort of tried to explain it to her, but he had seriously struggled with it on top of her, only hearing pieces of anything he said after… after…

_“Sara’s pregnant. The baby is mine… it was just one night, it meant nothing… unplanned… so we’re giving the baby up for adoption…”_

God, she still couldn’t believe that Ollie had knocked Sara up. They seriously needed to start facing and dealing with the consequences of their actions. And not just keep going with the ignoring them until they go away approach, or one or both of them running away instead, or making the consequences and issues that came with them disappear themselves. And in her opinion, giving the baby away was doing just that, making the “problem” go away and not owning up to their mistakes and facing the consequences for their irresponsible actions. They really needed to be more responsible. She couldn’t understand how they could’ve been this irresponsible and even less Oliver. Not after everything he just went through with William.

Why would he risk another unplanned pregnancy? Giving another child up?

She really wished she could talk to Sara. She just wanted to talk to her sister and get the answers to her questions. Answers she was so desperately seeking. She just wanted to understand. She wanted to understand her sister. She wanted to understand why her sister would choose this. The Sara she knows, the Sara she knew before the Gambit and whatever had happened to her during those six years away, would have never… that Sara, her sister… her cheerful, happy, outgoing baby sister would never give her child away. That girl loved children more than anything. She had loved to babysit them, she had wanted to be a pediatrician to work with and help children, she had wanted at least three children of her own, or you know maybe four or five. She would usually add laughing, her entire face lighting up with that huge, gorgeous smile of hers that would always light up the entire room, brightening it just like sunshine did and Laurel had been jealous of for as long as she could remember. Now she couldn’t even recall the last time she had seen her sister’s former signature look.

So for the first time in years, for the first time since Sara had come back into her life, Laurel had to admit that maybe she really didn’t know her sister. That maybe she didn’t know her at all.

If only she could talk to her and then after maybe, just maybe she would understand why Sara chose this. But both Oliver and Caitlin had told her that Sara needed rest and avoid any form of stress for the next couple of days. It was only a precaution, to make sure that the baby was fine and to avoid Sara having another panic attack. So, she was staying away for now, just like her dad. Laurel knew that her mom was with her sister right now. And she was pretty sure that Oliver had returned to her sister’s side as well. Like he always did. Whenever there was a choice between her and Sara, Oliver chose Sara… Just like her mom… Laurel would lie if she said that, that not only stung but actually hurt. It was kinda like someone poured Vodka in her gaping wound to wash out the salt that had been tossed in before.

Dinah Lance loved both of her daughters equally, Laurel knew that, but she tended to take Sara’s side, always had, the older one of the two sisters had never been sure why. Was it because Sara was more like their mother? Or because Sara used to get in trouble with their dad a lot because of her antics and her need to push all the boundaries and break every single rule Quentin Lance had ever given them. Laurel knew that both her parents loved her just as much as they did Sara. But their mom had a habit of taking Sara’s side in any given situation. She had let her run off with her sister’s boyfriend after all. And Sara had always been a daddy’s girl, his baby. As much as she used to get in trouble with him, she used to get away with even more when it came to their dad. 

Standing here, in Oliver and Sara’s bathroom, looking at the stranger that was her own reflection, Laurel dared to admit a truth to herself that she had buried and worked hard on keeping buried for years.

She knew that she was not the love of Oliver’s life… at this point, she wasn’t sure who was. Five months ago she would’ve said Felicity… now she didn’t know… maybe Sara, maybe not… maybe still Felicity… all she knew for sure was that she, Dinah Laurel Lance was not the love of Oliver Jonas Queen’s life. But that fact didn’t change her very own truth… Oliver Jonas Queen would always be the love of Dinah Laurel Lance’s life.

That didn’t mean that she hadn’t loved Tommy. Because she had loved him so very much. And she knew that she could’ve been happy with him, had he not died. There were nights when she still couldn’t believe that she had risked losing Tommy for another chance with Oliver, that her choice or better her lack thereof had played a part in Tommy’s death. Tommy Merlyn hadn’t been the love of her life. But Tommy Merlyn had been someone she could’ve happily spent the rest of her life loving. If only… if only she would’ve listened to Ollie and stayed away from the Glades. If only she and Tommy had gotten the chance to live that life she still so desperately craved more times than she was ever willing to admit to anyone. The Tommy shaped hole in her heart and life would never completely heal or go away. She cherished those nights when Thea and she would stay up and talk about the past, the nights they got lost in the memories of the time before the Gambit. When life was so much simpler. They would remember the shenanigans and trouble Oliver, Tommy and Sara used to get into regularly. The times that the five of them would just hang out at the Queen Mansion or take Thea to the Zoo or Aquarium or the carnival or the movies or wherever. Missing Tommy together. Reminiscing, holding each other, smiling or laughing and sometimes even crying. Thea missing the man who had always been as much of a brother to her as Ollie, a man who had actually been as much her brother as Ollie. Something that still hurt Thea a lot. Knowledge that she wished she would’ve had when Tommy was still alive. They had truly been family.

“Laurel? Are you okay?” Laurel was confused for a moment, wondering if she was imagining her roommate's voice because she had been thinking about her.

“Can I come in?” She could clearly hear Thea’s worried voice through the bathroom door now. Laurel spent another moment looking at her reflection before turning around to let the younger woman in. Thea closed the door behind her as soon as she was far enough inside. Right before she pulled Laurel in a tight bone-crushing hug, a hug Laurel gratefully returned just as tightly. She could feel her eyes water again, and it wasn’t long before she was sobbing in the tiny brunette’s arms. She wasn’t sure how long she had been crying before she managed to calm herself down and realized that they were sitting on the bathroom floor. When had that happened? She was just about to say something when the laundry machine binged to let them know that it was done.

“I can’t believe Oliver would do laundry in a situation like this… your brother is very strange.” Laurel had to laugh through her tears. The whole thing was bizarre to her. Her sister had had a mental breakdown and Oliver was doing laundry amidst all of that? 

“I’d agree with you in theory but in this situation, he is actually less strange and more sweet. Sara made herself throw up repeatedly. Ollie’s washing her clothes because those are her favorite comfy ones and apparently one of the few pairs of pants she currently owns that she still fits in.” Thea laughed with her for a moment before tentatively explaining her older brother’s actions. Looking at her the whole time gauging her reaction to those revelations. Laurel looked at Thea for a moment after she finished her explanation before standing up and walking towards the laundry machine. She took the wet clothes out of the machine and put them in the dryer, making sure that her sister would have her favorite outfit as fast as possible. No matter her current feelings towards her sister, all she wanted was for her to feel better and do whatever she could to help with that. Even if all that meant was making sure she would get her favorite clothes back sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t hate me. I love Laurel.  
> I hate unnecessary love triangles and the drama that comes with it, but it is Arrow and I feel like the Laurel/Oliver/Sara triangle issue has not really been dealt with in the series.  
> Laurel and Sara never really talked about it and I feel like they need to in order to move on from everything. They just kinda swiped it under the table and pretended it never happened. Laurel was the bigger person but not talking about it meant that a part of her still feels hurt and some form of resentment towards them, even if it is only very small.  
> And that is understandable and human.  
> She has a lot of questions that neither Sara nor Oliver have given her answers to so far. That means that she is still at the same point that she was when she first found out about them right after the Gambit sank, speculating why Oliver cheated on her with her younger sister of all people. 
> 
> And why Sara chose her big sister’s boyfriend over Laurel and decided to betray her like this. Not that this has happened yet, but it will and I needed to address the issues that are still here from Laurel’s POV. 
> 
> Plus, Arrow throwing us a curveball on the Laurel/Oliver front with Eleven-Fifty-Nine. The events from that episode obviously didn’t happen in this story, Laurel lives and Laurel lives…yeah that’s all that’s important. 
> 
> But Laurel telling Oliver that he was and always will be the love of her life is an important admission and needs to be factored in and addressed. 
> 
> Laurel has a lot of repressed feelings when it comes to Oliver and Sara and she needs to feel them and give voice to them. That’s at least how I see it. 
> 
> So please don’t hate me, I’m not trying to bash her or paint her in a negative light. Let me know if I do and I will correct it. People are meant to be able to relate to her, feel sympathy and understand where she's coming from.


	15. Quick question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not an actual chapter, need some help with a small issue I have with the next one...which should be up by tomorrow

Sorry this is not a chapter, but I am working on the next one and it should be done tomorrow at the latest but I'm stuck on a small but important detail an I wonder what you guys think about it.

And I had no clue if there was another way to get all of you guys attention at once and fast. lol, this will be deleted at soon as the next chapter's up...

So here's my question:

If Oliver had a term of endearment for Sara, what do you guys think it would be. I have some in mind but none feel right... I used 'love' in Caitlin's part and it sort of worked in that scene, I'm not a 100% happy with it but it was fine in that one instant but I can't see him calling her that (semi) regularly...so I was wondering what you guys thought... any help is highly appreciated.

Thank you and sorry again that this is not a chapter but like I said, next one should be up tomorrow at the latest, it is already halfway done.


	16. I don't like tears don't wanna break down but I’m crying on the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting on the floor like that before she noticed Ollie move his head, he just very slightly turned it towards the door but it was enough to jolt her out of her thoughts and back into the presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your help when it came to the endearment Oliver would use for Sara. It was very helpful and I really appreciate it. 
> 
> @QueerCanary: That was exactly my problem. Most of the traditional terms of endearment don’t sound right coming from Oliver… I don’t know if that is because he pretty much uses Speedy for Thea the way other people would use a traditional term of endearment… it just doesn’t feel right. I even did a serious google search for terms that weren't quite as common and none felt right. Which is how I ended up doing this and asking you guys. Love the little bird input.
> 
> I have been thinking about both Sar-Bear and Pretty Bird too. 
> 
> @MattWms2014: I can see him use Sar-Bear on rare occasions, like when she’s really upset or hurting or something like that. I can’t see him using it more or less regularly. But thank you so much for suggesting it, love the idea, exactly because it shows just how long they’ve known each other and I’m a sucker for that… I would have loved some flashback to all of their younger years where we’d have Ollie, Tommy, Laurel and Sara in a scene together, even better if Thea would’ve showed up living up to her nickname…
> 
> @Spawn_Hades: Pretty Bird is one that I’ve been wanting to use for ages but to be honest, I was kind of shying away from it, not knowing if people would be offended by me using Ollie’s comic book nickname for “Laurel” for Sara instead. But yeah, I agree, the way Arrow introduced Sara and the Canary origin pointed towards Sara. It always reminds me of that scene with McKenna and the picture with Sara and the Canary in season one. They already linked the Canary to Sara in season one… so yeah makes you wonder… Plus with Oliver and Sara’s history of knowing each other since the ages of seven and four/five means Oliver was there when Sara got that Canary from her dad… c’mon there is no way that Sara didn’t end up constantly hearing bird jokes and nicknames from Ollie and Tommy. I mean c’mon!  
> Thank you for mentioning Pretty Bird and how you could see Oliver calling her that. It gave me that last push to go for it and use it. I did put my own twist to its origin though, just because I wanted to and I can…lol.
> 
> @SazLance & Pop_LanceALot: Honey… I could see Oliver using honey, the only problem I have with honey is the fact that I know he called Felicity honey at least once (I can only recall that one scene so it might have been more than once…) and I just can’t picture Oliver using the same endearment for both Felicity and Sara… that just doesn’t feel right to me. Otherwise, yeah, I could see or more importantly hear Oliver using honey.  
> Which was kinda why "love" also didn't feel right, I changed it in that one scene by the way, because my mind would always use Constantine's voice lmao!
> 
> So I was going to delete the last post but now I kind of don’t want to. I like your comments and don’t want to lose them. So yeah the chapter numbers will be off from now on…sorry...lol.

Sara

She vaguely noticed a warm hand on her arm, the soft touch was slowly breaking through the haze she was in. Her first instinct was to flinch away, this move helped clear a little more from the fog she was still encased in, it helped her notice a voice far away, sounding muddled yet familiar, she could barely hear it over all the other voices and noises, another hand joined the first one lightly touching her shoulder this time, before gently moving some of her hair from her face, knuckles softly brushing across her skin in a familiar caress, a caress she had gotten used to during the last couple of months. Not that it was any wonder. She was receiving it a couple of times a day… well, most days… not as often anymore as only a few short weeks ago…

Ollie…

She waded through the swamp and molasses that was her mind, trying to reach that oh so familiar and dear touch and sound.

Ollie…

No, that wasn’t right, that wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be… Ollie was dead, lying at the bottom of the North China Sea not too far from the shores of Lian Yu. This was just another trick they were playing with her mind, he wasn’t here, not really, he was never really here… it was only a dream, a wish, a hope, a trick of the mind, the herbs they made her eat, the tea they made her drink… She struggled against invisible hands that were holding her down, hurting her, pouring liquid down her throat while laughing at her… her own hands took hold of the wrists that belonged to the hands that were touching her oh so softly and carefully, pushing them away, trying to keep them from hurting her, they were hands and hands always ended up hurting her no matter how their touch started out it always ended in pain… pushing them away and yet pulling them closer, craving the familiarity that came with those soft touches, so what if it was her mind playing tricks on her? What if it wasn’t real? If it ended up in agony? It would be worth it just to get lost in this hope, this dream, this wish…

Her mind was working on overload, trying to decipher illusion from reality. 

“Open your eyes Sara, look at me. C’mon Tweety Bird open those gorgeous eyes of yours and look at me.” She could hear the voice a little clearer now, it was a little closer too, but still too far away to seem real, it was still overlapped by the voices of Ivo’s men and Ra’s al Ghul. 

But there was something, something that was pulling her closer towards that voice, that oh so dear and familiar voice. Something wasn’t right. Tweety Bird… how did they know… Tweety Bird… how could they know… Tweety Bird… Pretty Bird… Ta-er al-Sahfer… yellow bird… Canary… Daddy bought her that Canary when she was ten… Tweety Bird… Tweety Bird… Saturday mornings at the Queens… Tweety Bird and Sylvester… Ollie and Tommy laughing, Laurel rolling her eyes while complaining about the noise, beautiful chirping, her pretty little bird made and Thea, tiny little Thea running around, already running after them on her short, little legs laughing, trying to catch up but not yet Speedy, still Thea with her pigtails and cute little purple footsie PJ’s with the ruffles on her butt, the two-year-old was still too slow to be Speedy… Tweety Bird… because future-crazy-bird-lady was too long… and Ollie and Tommy were twelve and seriously lacking imagination… because it was Saturday morning at the Queens after movie night and they were watching Looney Tunes when she proudly told the boys about the pretty little Canary daddy had bought her… she was sitting on the floor with little Thea in her lap being excited about her little bird back home… 

Tweety Bird… there was only one person who called her that, only one person still alive who had ever called her that. A nickname given to her more than a decade ago… mostly retired years before she ever set foot on the Gambit after it had morphed into Pretty Bird some time during Ollie’s late teens. The original version of her nickname had only been pulled off the shelf it had been placed on years ago and dusted off a couple of months ago as a means to pull her back, ground her, remind her what was real and what was only in her mind. To let her know that she was not back in the League having mind tricks pulled on her. Because no one, not Nyssa nor Ra’s or any other person who wanted to hurt her knew Ollie’s childhood nickname for her. 

“Ollie…” it was barely a whisper, but it was enough, he had heard her. 

“Yes, Tweety Bird, it’s me. C’mon Sar-Bear open your eyes, I promise I’ll be right here, I’m not going to disappear.” His voice was soft but clear, very clear now, clearer than anything else she heard. His touch on her face was soft, oh so soft. Yet, another solid piece to try to help her ground herself in reality. Did she dare? Did she dare open her eyes and risk him disappearing? Risk getting punished for her weakness?

“Ollie…?” it was nothing more than an exhale this time. An exhale that was slowly followed by the opening of her eyes. 

“Ollie.” She crashed into him the moment she saw his face. Wrapping her arms around him, crushing him to her. Trying to pull him inside of her or maybe trying to push herself into him… it didn’t matter. Her arms wrapped around his neck, her head buried in his shoulders, drenching his shirt in tears before he ever had the chance to wrap his strong, familiar arms around her, providing her with a protective shelter. Keeping her safe from her own mind and the twisted monsters and ghosts that were living there.

“I’m here Sara, I’m right here. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Pretty Bird. I should never have left you alone…” He sounded so guilty. He was blaming himself for her situation. He thought this was his fault. Of course he did, he wouldn’t be her Ollie if he didn’t. Every bad thing that had ever happened to her was his fault and every bad thing that would ever happen to her in the future would be his fault too at least as far as he was concerned… ridiculous… she wanted to tell him it was okay, that it wasn’t his fault but she couldn’t get the words out, she couldn’t stop crying long enough to tell him she didn’t blame him and neither should he. That it wasn’t his fault, but the only thing she could do was hold on to him even tighter. 

“Ssshhhh, shhh, it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe, Pretty Bird. You’re home. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out,…” his voice was still soft and reassuring he was holding her tightly to him, breathing with her, rubbing her back, kissing her head and slowly oh so slowly she managed to calm down, to stop crying long enough to say what she wanted to from the moment she had detected the guilt in his voice. 

“It’s not your fault, Ollie.” It was only a raspy whisper, and her throat hurt uttering those words, but it was important, it was so very important that she told him, that he knew. It was at that moment that she noticed something moving in the corner of her eyes. She flinched away when she noticed another person moving slowly towards them, just to retreat as soon as she had handed something over to Ollie. 

“Sara, I need you to drink a little, okay. Just a few small sips.” Ollie was slowly and softly pushing her away from his chest, to provide enough space between them for him to look at her face and hold the now open bottle towards her. She had moved her arms away from his neck, her hands were no longer clawing at his shoulders but resting on his tights, she tried to move one of her hands to take the bottle from him, but she couldn’t make them cooperate with her. She couldn’t let go of Ollie. What if he disappeared? What if this was only a dream? A figment of her imagination? He seemed to understand her struggle and slowly placed the bottle to her lips, letting her take small sips. She carefully swallowed the cold water. It did wonders to her sore, dry throat. She managed ten little sips before her stomach rebelled and pushed the water back the way it had come. She grabbed Ollie’s wrists before pushing him away and turning her body away from him to avoid puking all over him, not that it would’ve been the first time but she liked to avoid it whenever possible and she was sure he appreciated the effort. She could feel herself tear up again while puking the small amount of fluids she had swallowed back up. Why, why couldn’t she have kept it down? She needed to drink, the baby needed her to drink. She could feel her chest tightening as her tears turned into sobs and her breathing and heartbeat sped up again as a fresh wave of panic was approaching. She didn’t know how long she had been in the bathroom, how long she had been throwing up, all she knew was there was nothing left in her stomach to throw up, there had been nothing left ages ago, and now the little bit of water she had managed to drink was gone too. Her baby needed her to provide it with nourishment. How, how was she supposed to take care of it if she couldn’t even keep ten sips of water down?

She felt Ollie move behind her and felt him pull her hair back and out of her face. Like he’s done at least a hundred times by now. The arm belonging to the hand that wasn’t holding her hair back snuck around her middle pulling her to his chest, his hand slowly and softly rubbing her slightly rounded stomach, his head moving down until he could kiss her temple, he then left it there whispering sweet nothings to her, trying to calm her down. And it was slowly working, and she gradually relaxed, melting into the muscular chest behind her, exhausted. 

“Let’s get you out of those dirty clothes, Pretty Bird. They’re all sweated through, you’ll be more comfortable once you’re out of them.” She softly nodded her head. She was pretty sure her clothes were covered in tears, snot and puke too. Leave it to Ollie to be a gentleman and not mention those. She pretty much let him remove her clothes and only helping when it was unavoidable. Her body was limp from exhaustion, so she just let him do whatever it was he wanted to or deemed important. He carefully removed her, his, their Rocket’s sweater from her body, before doing the same with the top she was wearing under it. He slightly lifted her with one arm while tugging her leggings passed her tights with the other before setting her back down, this time on top of their sweater so she could lean on the wall next to her instead of him while he removed her wool socks and pulled her leggings off all the way. He tentatively got up once that was done and moved towards the sink to get a washcloth and towel. She could feel her heavy eyelids closing on their own accord and she had to fight them while watching Ollie, making sure that he was really here. That he wouldn’t suddenly disappear in thin air and take their bathroom with him, leaving her alone, lying broken and bleeding on the floor of a cell in Nanda Parbat. He came back and ran the warm, wet washcloth over her face, carefully cleaning it. He walked back to the sink and took her top and leggings with him once he was satisfied with that task. He washed the cloth and returned to slowly and carefully wash her sweaty body, using the towel to softly dry her off before pulling his sweater over his head once he was done and put it on her. He then cleaned the washcloth with the water from the bathtub’s tap and left it on the cabinet by the toilet before coming back and putting her wool socks back on her feet before carelessly tossing the towel and their sweater into the bathtub.

Sara pulled her knees to her chest the moment both of her socks were back on. Her head almost dropped on top of them on its own accord, she was just so tired… it took her a moment to realize that Ollie was once again sitting on the floor with her, one arm tightly wrapped around her so he could cover her hand with his. His other hand was soothing her with soft strokes across her left side, his cheek resting against her temple while he was once again murmuring to her. He was so soft; there were times it was still hard for her to imagine how hands that were handling and touching her so carefully and lovingly could inflict any kind of pain at all. 

He was so good to her, why was Ollie so good to her? She still couldn’t understand how he… why he didn’t hate her after everything she has put him through in the past 10 years, everything she had done to him… all the pain she had and still was causing him… why was he so good to her? She didn’t deserve this; she didn’t deserve him. She never had, but even less so now… now that she couldn’t even take proper care of his unborn child… why wasn’t he angry with her? Why didn’t he yell at her? This was her fault, she was putting their baby at risk… why wasn’t he mad? She didn’t deserve to be treated this tenderly…

“I’m sorry Ollie, I’m sorry I can’t…” she wanted to say more, recalling the short moment that he let the sheer panic he was feeling manifest on his face before pushing it behind the mask she could so easily look past, when he realized that she would not be able to keep the water down. This just led to the floodgates opening again, and her sobs made it impossible for her to finish her apology. Ollie, just shushed her and told her it wasn’t her fault, there was nothing she had to apologize for, and that it would be okay, everything would be okay… she wanted to believe him, she wanted to believe him so badly but how could it be? How could any of this lead to something even remotely resembling okay? They were having a baby. They made a baby. A baby she was carrying inside of her. 

A baby that they were going to give away. 

And it hurt, the thought of giving their baby, her and Ollie’s baby, away hurt, hurt so bad, but what other choice did they have? It was what was best for it. It was the only way to make sure that it would be safe, that it would be okay. That they wouldn’t fuck it up. Provided she and her body would not fuck everything up before the baby was even born. 

She wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting on the floor like that before she noticed Ollie move his head, he just very slightly turned it towards the door but it was enough to jolt her out of her thoughts and back into the presence. Which led to her actually registering the words he was saying to her instead of just letting their sound sooth her, like a comforting background noise, just like those plush toys playing a lullaby to help babies calm down and fall asleep…

“Sara, Caitlin’s here. Is it alright if she comes a little closer? She needs to find out what’s wrong and how she can help you. She’s just going to come a little closer. She’s not going to touch you. And I’m right here, Sar-Bear. I’ll be here the whole time, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to leave you alone again. I promise I won’t leave you again. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I swear, Pretty Bird. I’ll be right here. Okay?”

She tried to say something but her vocal cords were not complying, so she slightly turned one of her hands around so she could hold on to his and lightly squeeze to let him know that it was okay. She heard Ollie give Caitlin the go-ahead and tried to lift her head, but it was just so heavy and she was just so tired. She felt Ollie pull her a little closer, nuzzle her hair and kiss her temple right before he lifted her up in order to change his position. He closed and stretched his legs out in front of him and moved his lower body further away from the wall so that his back was no longer straight while leaning against it. Ollie carefully set her down on his tights, slowly pulling her towards him until her back was leaning against his chest. He caressed her hair and face and used those movements to help her pull her head from her still bent knees and leaning it back until it was supported my his upper body too instead of her knees. The last thing he did, before focusing on Caitlin again, was detangle her hands from around her legs and lacing them with his. This led to her copying his position and stretching her legs out too, so they could rest their intertwined hands on her stomach. He pressed another lingering kiss on her temple before addressing her doctor after she tried and failed to answer her questions because her voice still refused to cooperate.

“Her throat is parched, she might have trouble speaking because of that. We can try to get her to drink a sip of water again but it didn’t have the desired effect before. The opposite actually and I’m worried it might be the same again.” Ollie was quick to jump in and help her out.

“Hmm… okay. Maybe some tea? Have you tried that? Or what do you use against morning sickness? That might help you now too, Sara.” Caitlin was thoughtful and wondering. 

“Ginger tea with honey. Yeah, that might actually work. Thea knows how to make it.” Ollie agreed and Caitlin left to get her some tea. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ginger tea had helped, a little, enough for her to answer Caitlin’s questions and tell her how she felt, once she had managed to keep a couple of sips down. 

Ollie and especially Caitlin had wanted to move her from the bathroom to her bedroom, so she could lie down, but she didn’t trust her stomach yet. She didn’t trust that she would not throw up again. Poor Caitlin had ended up with one of Ollie’s scarier glares when she tried to keep pushing the subject when she had refused to leave her place by the toilet.

It wasn’t until after the brunette came back the second time, letting them know that she was going to give her an IV to make sure her body received enough fluids, that she let Ollie carry her to her room. He carefully laid her down on her bed, brushing her hair back and kissing her forehead before helping Caitlin prepare the IV. 

It was while watching them that she noticed just how worried both of them looked. She could understand Ollie, everything concerning her or their baby was worrying him lately. But Caitlin… Caitlin was a doctor, things must really be as bad as she thought when her doctor was just as worried as Ollie. 

This scared her. 

This meant that she or her baby were in serious trouble. Or both of them. 

She could feel her heartbeat speed up as icy dread was gripping her. What if something was wrong with her baby? She didn’t know what she’d do if she… she started to breathe heavily, which led to Ollie being back at her side in no time. 

“Breathe Sara, you need to take deep breaths.” He was breathing with her again, holding one of her hands and caressing her face with the other.

“Mom,… Ollie, I… I want my mom.” Her voice sounded strange even to her own ears, and it wasn’t because of the raspy undertones it still had, it sounded small, scared, like the voice of a little girl. And that was how she felt right now. Like a scared, sick little girl just wanting her mom. She knew that it was silly, she was almost thirty, she was a former assassin who had faced hell itself, more than once, but right now, all she wanted was her mom. There were moments in every woman’s life where they just needed their mom, and this was one of those. 

She was pregnant, and scared and ill and having a baby and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to do this… but her mom did, her mom had been through this twice and she knew, she knew how to make her feel better. How to be a mom. She could feel her eyes fill up with tears, and Ollie’s thumbs brushed them away as soon as they rolled down her cheeks.

“Sh, it’s okay Pretty Bird, I’ll call her, I’ll make sure she comes as soon as she can. I promise I’ll get Dinah here.” He bent down and kissed her forehead again. Before sitting back to let Caitlin do her job and hook her onto the IV. 

Sara knew that Caitlin had been watching them from the moment she first stepped into their bathroom and the blonde wasn’t comfortable with the fact that a complete stranger was seeing her this vulnerable but there was nothing she could do about that and she liked the other woman’s personality and the way she was handling, what she was sure must be a very strange situation for her. She could easily see why Ollie suggested the brunette from Central City as her doctor. Caitlin’s calm, warm demeanor made her feel safe and well taken care of. The fact that Caitlin had talked to and addressed her even when Ollie was answering in her stead, because of her dry throat, only reinforced that feeling.

Caitlin was quietly and calmly explaining everything she was doing and why she was doing it to her and Ollie, she could see that Ollie looked a little lost with all the medical jargon she was using and took note which parts he seemed to struggle with when it came to understanding in order to explain them to him, once they were alone. 

Thea once again popped up at the door, right after Caitlin had finished hooking her onto the IV, carefully looking in and asking if there was something she could do, like bring her another cup of tea or something. Sara let her eyes travel over Oliver after looking back from Thea. He looked horrible, exhausted and pale, really pale, sickeningly pale. 

“Thea, would you… would you just stay with me? Just for a little while? You could sit on the armchair in the corner and keep me some company, so that Ollie can get some fresh air.” Everyone in the room looked at her, surprised. And she could understand why. They each had a different reason for their reactions, but she could understand every one of them. 

“We’ll be fine. I’ll be fine, Ollie. She will be on the other side of the room and believe me, she could easily take me right now. Go get some fresh air. You need it.” The… former?... Green Arrow looked unsure but thankfully both Thea and Caitlin spoke up and agreed with her which led to the only man in the room having no choice but to relent to their wishes or deal with the consequences and he was too tired to put up a real fight and argue with them, leaving the three women alone in Sara’s bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never written this type of story with so many chapters before and man… this is getting complicated and takes a lot, a lot of time, making sure I get stuff from previous chapters right and not mess up on the small details…
> 
> And c'mon I just had to use Tweety Bird, it was right there! There is no way that Oliver and Sara grew up together and Oliver would not use that one...
> 
> So for everyone who thinks I overdid the nicknames/endearments, yeah, I kinda feel like that too, a little but Oliver is also using it to ground her in reality. It's a trick that works and he stumbled across by chance... so yeah... it is what it is... besides Sara was in a really bad place in this chapter and Oliver was freaking out and trying to not let it show... oh well...
> 
> As always I would love to know what you think and thank you again for all of your comments, help and suggestions, I really appreciate it!


	17. All the pain won't fade why is recovery taking forever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ollie looked like shit. That was the first thing that crossed her mind once he stepped back into her bedroom. Worse than he had before, she had forced him to get some fresh air. What the hell could’ve happened in the last 30 minutes on their freaking balcony that would lead to Ollie looking like a beaten puppy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, not too sure about this one. I just started a new job and am in a constant state of exhaustion but wanted to write and post the new chapter. Any mistakes are because of said exhaustion and my ability to notice them even after proof reading it numerous times. I already apologize for them.
> 
> Let me know what you think.

Sara:

Sara was pretty proud of herself and the way she was managing having Thea in the same room with her. Granted the younger woman was on the other side of the room and she herself was in an extreme state of exhaustion, but still, her bloodlust was only a soft humming, instead of the loud roaring it usually was when the weapon Malcolm had wielded to kill her, the second victim in that crime, was within her proximity. 

She had gotten a lot better when it came to controlling the bloodlust in general, it was usually only a soft hum and slight itch under her skin when she was around people, instead of the intense need and compulsion it had been before. Not to say that there hadn’t been situations where it had been stronger and the urge to kill had almost overwhelmed her. But ever since the changes her pregnancy was bringing with it had seriously started to kick in, the bloodlust seemed to have taken a back-burner most of the time, at least for now. She still didn’t trust herself though and preferred to stay away from people and tried to avoid them all together if Ollie wasn’t with her. 

There was no question in her mind that her bloodlust appeared to be dormant, even with the object of its single-minded fury and craving being within reach, right now was simply because of her state of complete and total exhaustion.

Caitlin was still buzzing around the room, setting some things up, taking her vitals and all the while asking her questions about her and her family’s medical history, taking notes. The questions were very general at the beginning and became more specific with time, Sara could practically watch how the gentle doctor from Central City was working towards one particular question that would unavoidably come up concerning her child’s health and possible genetic illnesses or defects, and how she came close to asking it, only to shy away again, obviously feeling uncomfortable asking her to share such personal information.

It just so happened that Sara was looking at Thea when Caitlin asked her the first obvious pregnancy related question. The reaction of Ollie’s baby sister made her grin inadvertently and for the first time in what felt like months. It was quite comical to watch the emotions cross her face. Poor Speedy, someone should’ve given her a warning. She considered saying something to Thea, even though watching her digest this new piece of information a little longer was highly entertaining, when Caitlin suddenly seemed to have scraped together enough courage to ask her the question she had been dancing around for a while now. Sara had known it was coming and yet it took her by complete surprise, she had been so engrossed in watching Thea, which led to her reacting in a natural and slightly offended way.

“Of course I know who the father is. Ollie. Ollie’s the baby’s father.” Sara looked straight at Caitlin while answering her question, it was obvious that the other woman had felt uncomfortable asking her such a personal question and what it was implying and the mother to be tried to not get angry and offended at the question but still… part of her couldn’t help it. She had been called a slut or whore so many times in her life that someone even just implying that she was just randomly sleeping around, still, like she used to before… before the Gambit and the Amazo and Lian Yu and the League and the freedom of choice being taken from her, was preposterous, even more so since Ollie was the only man she’s had consensual sex with in the last ten years. So she decided to put her focus on something else to stay calm and switched her attention back to Thea towards the end of her statement, gauging the young woman’s reaction to her revelation. It was kinda funny. Both women’s reactions were very similar, and reminded her of a cartoon.

First there was surprise, then shock, followed by confusion.

“So, you and Oliver are…” Caitlin started very flabbergasted and tentatively.

“… very good friends, yes.” Sara finished the sentence very differently and not the direction that Caitlin had intended and decided that she was done.

“Speedy, would you mind getting, Ollie?” Her amusement was gone as suddenly as it had appeared. She was exhausted, her throat still hurt, she had talked and answered more questions than she actually wanted or felt up to or comfortable with, but it was important that Caitlin had all the medical information she needed to make sure that the baby would be okay. But the questions now were no longer essential to her child’s wellbeing and way too private to share with a literal stranger who was also excellent friends with both Laurel and Felicity, for her liking and absolutely no one’s business but Ollie and hers.

“Of course not. And Sara, whatever it is you need, I’m here for you. After all, we’re family, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is… I love you, big sis.” Thea looked at her with so much understanding and love it warmed her heart and made her tear up and smile softly, the youngest Queen had changed so much in the past few years and yet, yet in moments like this she reminded Sara so much of the sweet and kind young girl that she had been before… before she and Ollie had left her. Thea was still, as Ollie and she tended to refer to her, the kindest person they’d ever known.

“Thank you Speedy, it means a lot. I might take you up on that offer.” Sara held her hand out to the younger woman, feeling embolden by the weakness that came with her exhaustion. Thea tentatively stepped closer until she could intertwine her hand with Sara’s.

“And I love you too, little sis, so, so very much!” Sara made sure to look Thea straight in the eyes, to ensure that she knew, knew just how much she meant to her, how much she would always mean to her. That what happened, what she was forced to do didn’t change that. That they were both Malcolm’s victims. That she didn’t, never had and never will consider her former charge her killer. She was and always would be Ollie’s baby sister, someone she herself always had considered as an extension of her family and her younger sister by everything except blood. Nothing would ever change that.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ollie looked like shit. That was the first thing that crossed her mind once he stepped back into her bedroom. Worse than he had before, she had forced him to get some fresh air. What the hell could’ve happened in the last 30 minutes on their freaking balcony that would lead to Ollie looking like a beaten puppy.

“Dinah’s coming. I called her, she’s driving to Star as we speak. She’s going to take some personal time at work and stay for a few days. I told her… she asked what’s wrong… why you were asking for her. So, I told her.” Ollie looked so worried and… scared? Of what? Her? Why would he be scared of her? What did he expect her to do? Or how to react?

So, he told her mom she was pregnant, she would’ve found out the moment she hugged her anyway, thanks to their baby’s recent growth spurt. Would she have preferred to tell her herself? Sure, if the circumstances were different, and she wasn’t coming out of a very severe anxiety attack because of a memory she wished she could permanently erase from her mind instead of reliving it. She had to admit that a part of her was glad that she didn’t have to go through the explanation and questions, oh she was sure her mom would ask her a lot of questions, but not the initial ones. She felt bad for Ollie though because that meant that he had been the one being bombarded with and forced to answer them. And her throat was still hurting a lot which led to her voice being raspy and almost nonexistent.

Besides, she just pretty much told his sister… she’d call them even. 

She held her hand out towards him, beckoning him closer. He was still standing just inside the room; he had only just stepped over the threshold. He didn’t move… he didn’t come closer like he usually did. He didn’t stride towards her to interlace their fingers and climb on her bed like he always did when she asked him to… he looked ready to turn around and run.

“It’s okay, I sort of told Thea, well Caitlin and I did, she asked me questions about the pregnancy, Thea’s a very smart woman and figured it out.” She thought this would certainly ease his mind and get him on the bed with her, and yet, he still didn’t move. The look on his face hadn’t changed either. She could feel a heavyweight settling on her chest and her stomach turn to knots. 

Something was wrong with him. 

Something was seriously wrong with him. 

Why wouldn’t he come to her? 

Why would he be afraid of her?

“Ollie?” her voice sounded small even to her own ears and not because of the issues she still had with her throat. She could see him avoid her gaze for a moment, looking anywhere but at her. His shoulders dropped even more, and he looked as if he had just been beaten, right before he swallowed hard and answered her question.

“I talked to Quentin too. I told him. Everything. About the baby. The adoption. The struggles you’ve been going through with your memories. I just… he was… I’m sorry, Sara, I’m so sorry. I never meant to break your trust like this… I… I never… I swear Pretty Bird, the last thing I ever meant to do was betray you and break the trust you had in me. I understand if you… I understand if you don’t want me around… if you want me to leave… I will… I’ll do whatever you want me to… I understand if you hate me, I deserve it. I deserve your anger and your hate. God, I’m so sorry Pretty Bird.” Sara had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying during Ollie’s heartbroken declaration. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheeks, though. Ollie was refusing to look at her, instead staring at the floor, she could see the tears that were rolling down his cheeks and hear them and the pain and heartbreak in his voice.

“Ollie…” she tried to say more but her voice broke after uttering his name in what ended up not being more than a whisper. She knew that he heard her, there was a slight shift in his stance but he still wouldn’t look at her. 

Why wouldn’t he look at her? 

She needed him to look at her. 

Why would he… why would he think she would hate him for this? She knew her dad; she knew how he could be and she knew the effect he had on Ollie and their really strange relationship, and again would she have preferred to tell him herself? For sure, even more with her dad than her mom but mostly because she knew how her dad could get and she was sure Ollie ended up being confronted by an angry Quentin Lance and that was the last thing he needed right now and she wanted him to have to deal with. Her dad would’ve taken the news better coming from her. She appreciated what Ollie did for her; he was trying to protect her, as he always did. Tried to make sure that she was faced with as little stress or emotional overload as she could. So, why on earth would he think she wanted him to leave or hate him? Those assumptions were the farthest thing from what she actually wanted. 

What she wanted was for him to look at her and lie down with her and just hold her.

“Ollie… look at me. Look at me!” She tried to put as much sound and force in her voice as she could muster and finally, finally he looked at her.

“Thank you for taking care and looking out for me. You just can’t stop trying to protect me, can you? I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. And I don’t want you to leave. I want you to come and take my hand before lying down with me and just holding me, and making me feel safe, cared about and cherished, like you always do. So, would you please, please stop with what you’re doing right now and lay down with me?” She was close to being a sobbing mess again, there was a lump in her throat and her tears were still falling. She hoped she got through to him because she wasn’t sure that her voice would cooperate with her again. Her throat hurt so bad right now. Ollie still looked at her. There was still this gut-wrenching pain in his eyes, but the fear had faded and he looked genuinely confused and stunned by her words. He slowly gathered his composure and carefully walked towards her, never taking his eyes off of her, almost as if he was expecting her to change her mind at any given moment.

She didn’t.

She actually released the breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding the moment he laced his fingers with hers and slowly climbed onto her bed and lay down, with a significant amount of space between them. She had none of that and was curled up on his chest, one leg thrown over his, their laced hands resting on his chest and her face buried between his collarbone and neck, where it fit perfectly, within seconds of him lying down. She could feel him stiffen at first before he slowly relaxed and put his other arm around her, drawing her closer. He bent his head down to breathe her in and kiss her temple, before resting his cheek on top of her head.

“Sara…” it was barely a whisper, and he sounded chocked and so very broken. She tried to tell him she was here, that she would always be here. And that it was okay, that they were okay. That he didn’t break them. That she wasn’t angry, but she had now lost her voice completely and all she could to was grab his hand with both of hers and hold it to her heart, kissing him right over his.

Sara wasn’t sure how long they’ve been lying on her bed, holding each other and providing comfort a quiet sanctuary from the world in a way no one else could. There was nothing more calming to her than lying in Ollie’s strong, loving embrace, listening to his steady heartbeat. It provided her with a sense of peace nothing else managed to. When Ollie suddenly bent his head down to be closer to her face.

“Look to the door, Pretty Bird, your dad’s here.” His voice was so soft she was sure her dad couldn’t hear it. She slowly looked in the direction Ollie told her to and saw her dad standing in the doorframe, she could feel her body unintentionally stiffen, she didn’t mean to, she really didn’t but she couldn’t help her first reaction and the fear that came with it.

“Daddy?” she just barely managed to provide the sound for the word to be heard but he did.

“Hi baby. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you are doing and let you know that your mom called. She’ll be here within the hour. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” She could see the sadness in his smile right before he turned around and left them alone again. She was glad he did and felt horrible and guilty about it. She appreciated that he came to check in on her and let her know that her mom would be here soon. 

Had she and Ollie really been lying on her bed for hours already? 

She loved her dad, so very much, but she just couldn’t deal… she just couldn’t… he wasn’t who she needed right now. She felt horrible thinking that. But it was the truth. Right now, she needed Ollie and her mom. She knew she would need him later, after… after her mom arrived and made her feel better in that way only her mom could.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver:

Oliver was lying on his side, watching Sara sleep next to him. Dinah had left them alone a couple of minutes ago to talk to Quentin and probably check on Laurel. Oliver squeezed his eyes shut in pain for a moment. Unable to get the look of agony and complete and utter devastation on Laurel’s face when he told her about Sara’s pregnancy out of his mind. He couldn’t believe he had once again been the one putting those emotions on her face, hurting her so deeply. But he couldn’t… couldn’t deal with this right now, not on top of everything else. 

He brushed his hand across Sara’s cheek, reveling in the feeling of her soft skin under his touch, seeking comfort from her even in her sleeping state. It was good, this, her finally being able to sleep was good. 

God, he was tired, so very tired, physically but especially mentally. The last 24…? 36…? hours had been emotionally exhausting, and he was completely drained. It had been too much, all of this had been too much for him. His worry about Sara and their baby, the cold dread that had gripped him after he had answered his phone… those three very emotional and personal conversations he’s had with all three of Sara’s family members and the one he’s had with Sara herself after he had called Dinah and talked to Quentin.

Dinah coming here had been one of the best things that had happened since Sara had called him. Her mother’s presence had helped his little bird a lot, and Dinah managed to ease some of his friend’s worries and fears. Her open-minded nature and understanding of her youngest daughter’s character was an immense relief and let to a lot of support on her end. And he was so very grateful for this and her and her concern for not just Sara but him too, as she had proven right before she left them alone, so he could get some sleep too, since he had given his room to Caitlin, for the time being. Since Dinah would occupy their guest room for the duration of her stay.

_“Oliver, honey, how are you doing?” Dinah drew him in a tight hug as soon as she was within reach. It was a very comforting gesture that Oliver automatically returned. Only now, while being held in Dinah’s motherly embrace, realizing how much he had missed those types of hugs, how much he missed his mother. And he thought he just found out why Sara had been asking for her mother. It was in this moment that he wished his mother were still alive and could provide him with the type of comfort Dinah was providing Sara with, the kind only one’s mother could. This led to him holding on to Dinah a little tighter and swallowing hard, while biting his lip and blinking away some tears. He knew that was not possible, so he basked and cherished the closest thing to a hug from his mom that he could get, from a woman that he had known for most of his life, before removing his arms from around her, once he composed himself a little and taking a step back. Smiling at her gratefully._

_“I’m… I’m exhausted to be honest. And thank you!” There was no lying to her after that hug._

_“Any time, honey, any time. There are plenty of hugs where that one came from, you just let me know when you need another one. Now go get some sleep.” She smiled at him tenderly and kissed his cheek before walking out of the room, leaving him alone with a sleeping Sara and his thoughts._

He let his eyes travel over Sara’s body, Dinah had helped her change into one of her old PJs which made the recent changes the pregnancy brought to her body even more obvious. Her breasts were significantly bigger, had been for a few weeks now, but it was her stomach that drew and kept his attention. Her baby-bump was made even more prominent given her physically fit state before and the fact that where there had been a flat surface with muscles without an ounce of fat there was now a significant bulge instead of just the curves of her weight gain from a couple of days ago. 

Sara had made sure from the moment she had found out that she was pregnant that she was eating properly and regularly to ensure the necessary weight gain per month that doctors recommended to ensure the baby’s health. 

He couldn’t help but feel a sense of wonder while drinking her in like this. Seeing the proof of what they had known for months now. This was the first time since she was showing significantly more than two days ago, their baby had had what appeared to be a growth spurt a few nights ago, which led to Sara no longer being able to really hide the fact that she was pregnant. This was the first time, since the morning Sara woke up to her stomach being exponentially larger than it was when she went to bed the night before, that he was able to look at her like this.

Both of them had a complicated and complex state of mind when it came to their unborn child. They were both very aware of the situation they were in and in complete denial at the same time. At least to some degree. Or maybe it was less denial and more an insane need to pretend, in hopes that if you pretend to believe in something long and strong enough it will come true, that everything would be fine once the baby was born. That they would just give it away and would go on with their lives as if it never happened. 

Neither of them was naïve enough to actually believe that.

But it was the only way they could move forward, go on with their plan and give their child in the care of strangers, hoping it would have a better, happier and safer life than Sara and he would be able to provide it with. 

Of course he knew that this was complete bullshit. 

They would both be gutted and never get over this decision. 

And he had never been more sure about that then in this very moment when he slowly lifted his hand and carefully placed it on his Pretty Bird’s stomach, making sure that he would not wake his exhausted friend. This was their baby. He knew that it would be a few more months before he would be able to feel it but still the roundness where a very flat stomach used to be was proof… right under his hand was their child, living, growing… obviously… he could feel his lips turn into a soft smile on their own accord. He shifted a little closer to Sara and finally let his heavy eyelids drop and sleep take him over. His hand still protectively placed over their child while the soft smile was still gracing his lips even in sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who's going to tell me that this is not how pregnancies work, I would've agreed with you if it weren't for the fact that that was actually what happened with my sis. She pretty much went to bed with a small bump and woke up in need of an emergency trip to H&M's maternity section because she could no longer fit in any of her clothes because my niece grew exponentially over night, lol. 
> 
> So, since it happened once, I'm confident enough that this could happen more often and is what happened to Sara.


	18. We could just hang out like we used to Even though at times it seemed We were more like enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where’s Laurel? She’s not still locked in the bathroom, is she?” Dinah was finally the one breaking the silence and changing the subject, inquiring about their missing older daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write. I blame some of it on the Arrow writers... 
> 
> Not sure about the flow but I don't know how to change it either, been writing and rewriting it a lot... oh, well it is what it is... 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it.

Dinah:

Dinah walked into the living room where she found Quentin on the same armchair he had been on when she first arrived. She looked at her ex-husband and couldn’t help but say the first thing that came to her mind, and it was not at all what Quentin had expected, given the surprised and bewildered look on his face. Dinah had trouble keeping the amusement off of her own face.

“Do you also sometimes look at Oliver and see that cute, mischievous, slightly spoiled seven-year-old boy with a heart of gold Laurel first brought home for a school project, instead of the very tall, muscular and serious grown man he has turned into?” She was aware how unusual her question was given the circumstances, but she couldn’t help but think about the young boy Oliver used to be. The young boy he had reminded her so much of back in Sara’s room, which had led to her initiating the hug, she had felt when he had held on a little tighter, the way he had swallowed hard and his misty eyes when he had let her go. This entire situation was just as hard on him as it was her daughter, only Sara had both of her parents here with her, supporting her. Thea was the only family the young man had left. Well, that wasn’t true, Thea was the only blood relative he had left, both Queen siblings had pretty much been adopted by her and Quentin long before Thea went to preschool. She had always considered Oliver, Thea and Tommy as part of her family. And she would be damned if she would not make sure that Oliver knew that, especially now.

She and Moira had had their differences, but they both agreed on one thing and that was their children and how much they loved them and she would make sure that Moira’s children would be okay. That Oliver would be taken care of in this very difficult time. She, just like Moira, had made mistakes when it came to her daughters and she had and still was doing her best to make up for those. She knew there was nothing she could do to erase the pain she had caused Laurel when she had decided to move to Central City. 

It had never been her intention to cause her daughter even more pain than she was already in. She had been afraid, afraid of Laurel and Quentin finding out that she had seen Sara before she left, that she could have, should have stopped her from leaving. She had been so afraid that they would hate her and she would lose them should they ever learn the truth. 

The irony was not lost on her. 

She abandoned them to keep them from learning the truth and rejecting her, and lost them because of her choice. And when she had finally, finally told them how Sara’s death was her fault, they hadn’t even hated her for it. 

She had lost both of her daughters and it had all been her own fault. 

She had never meant for Laurel to end up carrying the burden of taking care of Quentin. Dinah had known that he was in a dark place and tried to help him, tried to get him to go to therapy with her, but he had refused. Had chosen to bury himself in work instead of dealing and trying to work through the loss of their youngest daughter. She hadn’t known how bad his drinking had become; she hadn’t known that Laurel would end up having to take care of her by then alcoholic father.

And she knew that was her fault too. 

The guilt she had felt every time she faced her daughter had been so bad that she couldn’t bare it anymore. And Laurel’s hurt and stubborn nature had cemented their fate of losing touch with each other and the lack of contact that had followed. Not that she was blaming her daughter, far from it. This was on her. The years they had lost, the pain they had to endure, it was all on her.

“No. When I look at him I see the idiot that knocked up my mentally unstable baby girl.” Quentin’s gruff reply made her roll her eyes. Mostly because it was obvious to her that he was not nearly as angry as he pretended to be, otherwise he would’ve used a stronger term than idiot to insult the father of their unborn grandchild.

“Well, our baby girl is not the only mentally unstable person in that equation, Quentin. Oliver seems to be in just as bad a shape as Sara is. Just as Oliver is not the only idiot here, I seem to recall that it takes two to end up in the situation the kids are in. And as intelligent as our daughter may be, we both know very well that she is extremely talented when it comes to making dumb decisions and poor choices. They both are. Besides, given from what they both told me individually, this outcome had been far from planned and they had done everything they could to prevent this outcome.” She felt the need to defend both kids, noticing the face Quentin made when she mentioned birthcontrol. It really appeared that they were that one percent that was left out of every promise any company made to ensure that there would be no lawsuits if the given promise wouldn’t hold.

“Yeah, I can clearly recall Queen telling me they were more careful than they used to be, this of course got him some extra points in my book. There’s nothing that grants you approval from the father of the woman you knocked up faster than the statement that we shouldn’t be surprised that Sara ended up pregnant, but about the fact that it hadn’t happened sooner. Not to mention that this is far more information about my daughter’s sex life than I ever wanted to have.” Dinah was still fighting her amusement, she knew that Quentin was very fond of Oliver and had a soft spot for both Queen siblings, so she really couldn’t and wasn’t taking him seriously at the moment, even less so now that she could clearly see that her ex-husband saw the humor in the situation and what she was sure both of them assumed to have been an accidental revelation of too much information on Oliver’s part. She knew Quentin just had to deal with the whole situation in his own way, which usually just happened to be giving Oliver a hard time. And he knew that he couldn’t do that, given Oliver’s state of mind and the excellent care he had provided for their daughter. So, he was giving air to his anger now, knowing that she wouldn’t take offense by it and understand where he was coming from and how he meant it. 

“Be nice Quentin, the poor boy has been through enough already in the last two days.” She added just to be on the safe side. She had to admit, that as much as she admired Oliver’s new found honesty, telling Quentin that he and Sara used to be a lot less careful with birthcontrol was not the smartest tactic, brutal honesty or not. Oliver really managed to dig himself a hole with that slip of tongue and that would cost him. Quentin was sure to give him a hard time for that one, and Sara probably too. Once they were feeling better, that is. It wouldn’t surprise her if they would never live that one down.

“Are they okay? Sara and Oliver… with each other, I mean. Sara’s not angry with him, is she?” Quentin asked and then clarified his original question. It was obvious to both of them that the parents to be were very far from being okay.

“No, Sara’s not angry with him. I think they’re good. It’s hard to say, but they are still leaning on and providing each other comfort. Not to forget that he is not only resting in Sara’s room but sharing her bed, where she’s currently sleeping on, so I’m assuming that they’re okay with each other.” 

“Good, that’s good. I was worried that she might be after Oliver told us. Well, I insisted he told me everything. The last thing I would’ve wanted was for Sara to lose her confidant and the person she leans on.” Quentin sounded relieved, and they both fell into a comfortable silence for a while until she broke it.

“Can you believe we will be grandparents in just a few short months?” That was a concept that she still found hard to grasp. 

“Are we? I mean sure, our baby girl is having a child, but it’s not like we’re going to be in its life given their choice.” Quentin’s answer was very gruff, and it wasn’t hard for her to see that he was not agreeing with Sara and Oliver’s choice, just as she had expected.

“It’s their choice, Quentin. If they don’t feel up to raising a child, giving it to people who can’t have one of their own seems to be a reasonable decision. And who knows, they might still change their minds.” She tried to change his mind and ended up giving voice to something she didn’t mean to.

“You really think so, Di?” There was an underlying hope in his voice, hope that she shared with him even if she was currently doubting there was cause for it. The kids’ minds seemed pretty made up, and the chances that they might reconsider appeared to be slim. 

“Honestly, I don’t know Quentin. But there’s always hope, right?” She gave him a encouraging smile.

“You know Di, there was a time when I expected to become the grandfather of a Queen… I just never thought Sara would be the one bringing the next generation of Queens into the world…” Quentin’s voice was somber, and quiet and it was clear from the look on his face he was contemplating the past and current situation.

“God, help us all! A mini version of Sara and Oliver, even worse, a mixture of the two of them? Just imagine the trouble the little tyke will get into…” Dinah couldn’t help herself and laughed after Quentin’s realization and the look that came with it. He was absolutely right, that child would be a handful, even if it was only half as wild as its parents… and she hoped that she would get the opportunity to be there to experience her grandbaby grow up and watch Sara and Oliver handle a mini version of themselves. It wasn’t long before Quentin joined in with his own laughter.

They both fell into a comfortable but thoughtful silence after they had composed themselves and sobered up, knowing that they might never get the chance to find out if they’re assumptions concerning their grandchild would be true. To be a part of its life.

“Where’s Laurel? She’s not still locked in the bathroom, is she?” Dinah was finally the one breaking the silence and changing the subject, inquiring about their missing older daughter.

“No, Thea went to check up on her a while back. They’re on the roof. She needed some air and space between herself and Oliver and Sara, but she didn’t want to leave entirely in case she was needed or a change in the current situation. She wants to be there for them, but she can’t really be in the same space as them right now. And don’t look at me like that, those were your daughter’s words, I’m just repeating them to you. A shorten version and paraphrased, but still her words. She seems to take the news pretty hard.” Quentin filled her in on their other daughter’s emotional state.

“I thought we both agreed a long time ago, that Laurel was your daughter, and Sara was mine.” She threw back at him teasingly, trying to lighten the mood. Of course Laurel was taking this hard, just as she had predicted.

“We did, didn’t we? Well, it’s almost a draw right now. The mentally unstable pregnant one who feels responsible for her sister’s pain and the emotionally unstable on who feels wronged by her sister and their ex. Yeah, you know what? Might be better if you handle both of them right now. You were always better when it came to handling the drama.” Quentin was shaking his head, trying to put their daughters’ current situations into words. Looking the way she was feeling right now.

It was in moments like this that she wondered what Quentin and she had done wrong while raising their girls. What had led to the girls’ relationship being in such a messed up state that it had led to this gigantic mess that sprung from Sara’s betrayal? And yet neither Quentin nor she had noticed just how bad things had been between their girls before the Gambit. Even less knew the origin that had led to said betrayal and their messed up relationship. Had they really been this ignorant and disconnected with their daughters? Did Sara and Laurel even know or remember what had happened that led to this? 

“I guess I should go check on her. I’m not sure there is anything I can do when it comes to the drama, though. But I can try and prevent is as much as I can. How good do you think my chances are of finding the ingredients for hot cocoa in Sara and Oliver’s kitchen?” Dinah pulled herself up off the couch she had been sitting on with a sigh and looked expectantly at Quentin.

“I think pretty good. Sara loves her hot cocoa when she’s feeling sad, and Oliver knows that… if hot cocoa is still her definition of comfort food, I’m sure we’ll find it in the kitchen somewhere.” Quentin started and then corrected himself, reminding both of them of the fact that neither one of them really knew their youngest daughter that well anymore. But the father of her children had been right; they found the ingredients stashed in a Tweety Bird and Sylvester the Cat container with a lid, the container was probably meant for kids to keep their smaller toys in, in one of the cupboards. This discovery led to her and Quentin looking at each other and grinning, the male shaking his head in amusement. This right here was a reminder of who and how Oliver and Sara used to be. The box was filled with all of Sara’s old comfort foods and what they both assumed were some more exotic new ones she had taken a liking to during her time away from home. Foods Oliver seemed to know about, yet they didn’t.

They were both surprised about small things they found in the kitchen and around the apartment that gave the place a more personal feeling and some of which reminded them of the funny, teasing and amusing relationship their daughter and her childhood friend used to have. 

There was a note in Sara’s handwriting on the drawer, that was entirely filled with protein bars, saying ‘every time you eat one of me a food item in the fridge dies… in a slow, disgusting, smelling way…’ next to it was a doodle that looked like vegetables, standing over what appeared to be a dead steak, crying. 

And other notes were just very sweet, unexpectantly sweet, coming from their younger daughter. 

Like the one placed over the sink, at what they assumed was Oliver’s eye level, saying: ‘so, Sara’s fed and probably passed out by now, but what about Ollie?’ a heart with a face and a speech bubble drawn next to it saying ‘Please remember to eat something, OJ.’

Or the one saying ‘My life has more meaning and is so much better because you are in it, Ollie.’ Dinah had seen in Oliver’s room pinned on his closet door, written on a picture of Oliver and Sara in their teens, Oliver giving Sara a piggyback ride, both of them laughing. 

Her daughter seemed to have placed little notes, reminding Oliver of small things like eating or just how important he is to her, all around the apartment at very specific, well-chosen places.

Dinah put the mugs on a tray Quentin had found and also added a plate of some fruit and cookies. She took the tray and gave him one more smile and a ‘wish me luck’ before leaving the kitchen in the direction of the roof terrace and her older daughter.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laurel:

It had surprised Laurel when her mom had come up to the roof looking for her and Thea, bringing hot cocoa and snacks with her. She had expected her to stay with Sara. So having her come up here had been a positive surprise. At least that was what she had thought until after she had given voice to her feelings and her mother decided to share her thoughts with her too.

“I know that you are in pain honey, but so is your sister. And I know it might not seem or feel like it right now, but Sara’s pregnancy has nothing to do with you. Your sister and Oliver’s current situation has nothing to do with you. They did nothing wrong. They were both and still are single, as far as I know. That gives them the right to do whatever they want with whoever they want. And I understand that this must bring back a lot of old feelings and unresolved issues for you, but this situation is entirely different to the one ten years or even the one almost three years ago.” Of course the college professor would try to rationalize the whole situation and take Sara’s side.

“I know that I’m wrong mom, I don’t need you to tell me that.” She knew that, she was hating herself for the feelings she was having and for how selfish she was, she didn’t need her mother to remind her of that and chastising her, she was doing a good job of that all by herself.

“You are not wrong Laurel, that is not at all what I was trying to say. Your feelings are never wrong and you are allowed and should feel however you do. All I’m saying is that you should think long and hard about whether giving voice to those feelings in front of your sister and Oliver is a smart choice. Sara is already feeling incredibly guilty and believes that you will hate her for this. I’m just trying to help you separate the past from the present. Look honey, I won’t even pretend to understand what had happened between you and Sara all those years ago that has led to Sara joining Oliver on the Gambit… I still can’t believe that I never noticed how bad things had been between the two of you. I knew that you drifted apart once you started High School and even more so when you went to College, but I had no idea… And I am so sorry for that Laurel. This was one of many mistakes I have made as a mother and I wish I would’ve noticed so we could have gotten to the bottom of it and solved the issues before they got as bad as they did.” Her mom’s voice was very compassionate, and Laurel focused on what she was saying and understood what she meant.

Laurel thought about her mother’s words. When had her and Sara’s relationship changed? And what had happened that led to it? They used to get along great back when they were kids. Had it really been when she started High School? Sara had gotten in a lot more trouble once she started Middle School and she and the boys High School. The Elementary and Middle School they’ve went to had had shared buildings. The High School had been in an entirely different location. Middle School was also when Sara had changed, she was irritated a lot easier and pushed them all away, her grades had slipped too and she had offered to help her with her schoolwork on several occasions but that had just led to Sara blowing up on her and getting furious. So, she stopped offering and started berating her for her grades and the lack of time she put into her school work instead. That was when they started to get into a lot of arguments. Laurel had to admit that that had probably not been the best approach, hindsight was always twenty-twenty.

It had been during Sara’s freshman year in High School that the blonde and Ollie and Tommy had started to spend more time together than ever before. The boys would take her baby sister everywhere they went. Laurel had not approved. Sara had been way too young to do the things the senior boys did, but all three of them just brushed her off and told her to chill. Her dad had agreed with her, but her mom hadn’t. She was in the firm belief that Oliver and Tommy were sure to take good care of Sara and keep an eye on her while she was with them.

That had led to a conversation between her dad and the boys, with her father’s gun on the table next to him. Making sure that the teenage boys knew what would happen to them if something were to happen to Sara while she was on their watch. And that had been that for a long while.

It had been close to their graduation when she had noticed something change in their dynamic. Sara and Ollie seemed to have a secret. A secret not even Tommy knew about. Laurel had wondered what it was and had been very curious about it. She also hadn’t liked how much closer her sister and Ollie seemed to have gotten over the course of the year they spent in the same school together. She suspected that her baby sister had developed a crush on him, but she was way too young for him. Not to forget the bad influence both eighteen-year-old boys seemed to have had on her then fifteen-year-old sister. Laurel had been pretty sure that Sara had been drinking with them. All those things combined had led to her telling her dad about one of Tommy’s famous parties, she knew her sister was attending. The party had been busted by the police and Sara had ended up grounded for a month. It had been during that time that she and Ollie had spent more time together; she had been helping him to study for finals and ended up dating.

It had taken a few months, until Ollie had shown up at their doorstep unannounced, with Moira in tow, while Sara had been in dance class. It had been obvious that Ollie wasn’t there by choice but by force. Moira had made him come. Moira Queen had forced her son to come to and talk to them, a week before the two of them left for college, because he knew something about Sara that she felt they needed to know.

Ollie had made numerous attempts to get out of talking to them, joking around and changing the subject in that very charming way he still had to this day, until Moira won and forced her son to talk. That alone had all three Lances worried. Moira was not a strict mother and tended to let her son get away with everything, and everyone knew that.

It had been that evening that Laurel and her parents had learnt the secret her baby sister and her boyfriend had had.

Ollie had hedged around the bushes for as long as he could until they had managed to decipher what he was trying hard not to tell them while Moira Dearden Queen’s infamous glare was directed at him the entire time. In the end it had been Moira who had given them the last missing piece that Ollie had refused to reveal.

Her 15-year-old sister had an eating disorder.

Ollie had known and kept an eye on her, making sure she ate whenever he could.

Moira had found out, overhearing a conversation between her son and their daughter, and thought they should know, especially now that Oliver was going to be away at college and therefore no longer able to monitor her.

Laurel hadn’t been around much during the time her parents made Sara go to therapy and tried to help her. She had just started college and was very busy with school and Ollie. So, she hadn’t really been there for her sister during that time. Not like she should have been. She just never understood why Sara had thought she needed to lose weight, and she had never really talked to her about it. It had not really had any influence on her life because she was away most of the time. And they both had just acted and pretended that time in Sara’s life had never happened.

Had that been the reason for their problems? Had Sara felt like she hadn’t cared? That she hadn’t been important enough to her to come home more often or check in on her?

Laurel didn’t know. 

But maybe it was time for her to finally find out.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dinah:

Dinah had been surprised about the openness, honesty and insight into the situation Oliver had provided her during the phone call that had brought her here. And shocked about everything he had revealed to her. Being on the road alone for hours had been a tremendous help in digesting, mulling over and analyzing everything she had learnt and understanding where the two parents to be were coming from. Even the brief conversation she’s had with Sara had been very honest and open on her daughter’s side and cleared the situation up even more. She planned on talking to her some more once Sara’s throat was feeling better and there was no more pain involved in talking.

It wasn’t difficult for her to understand Laurel’s reaction and pain. Yet, this time around it wasn’t about her. Sara and Oliver hadn’t done anything wrong. Laurel and Oliver had been broken up for years. Of course she understood where Laurel was coming from and that she needed to feel however she was feeling. And that she had the right to feel, however she did. There wasn’t even a question about that. The problem would come if Laurel once again put her and Quentin in a position where they were forced to pick sides when it came to their daughters.

This time would differ from last, this time had to differ from last.

Because Sara needed her, needed them. Sara had asked her to come, which essentially meant that she had asked her for help. Her baby never asked anyone for help, never really had, but even less so since she first came back home. Having her ask for her help and presence now was huge. And not just because it was a testament to just how difficult a place she was in, but also a step towards change. She was asking for help instead of running away to deal with it on her own. She was actually, for once, asking for what she needed. And to her that meant that Sara wanted to change, wanted to get better, maybe, finally, even thought she deserved to get better, to be happy. Dinah felt that it was an enormous step towards healing.

This meant to her that if Laurel requested them to choose sides, she had to be on her younger daughter’s side. Because Sara had done nothing wrong this time. Even if she didn’t believe so herself, especially because she didn’t believe so herself.

Dinah and Quentin had chosen Laurel’s side the night they found out that Sara was alive. The night Sara had almost died in front of them. The night she had endured her sister’s anger, even more importantly demanded it be directed solely at her and not her parents. The night Laurel had thrown a glass at her and told her to get out. Looking back now, knowing what she did now, it was a wonder Lauren’s actions hadn’t made Sara run. 

Right after they got her back, after she had almost died. 

Sara had come home that night, only to essentially be rejected, turned away and thrown onto the streets by her own family. And later on, had been judged because she ended up seeking help, shelter and comfort from Oliver when her family left her all alone, after she had been away from them for years, and after she had almost died at the hands of her former girlfriend.

They had chosen Laurel’s side because their firstborn had needed them to, because Sara had been the cause of so much of Laurel’s pain, because Sara had been in the wrong when she ran off with her older sister’s boyfriend, no matter the circumstances and events that led up to that moment. 

Sara running to Oliver, one of her oldest friends who had always been her confidant, the one person who understood what she had gone through, after being rejected by her family had been understandable to some degree, it had not been a smart move when it came to repairing her relationship with her older sister but it made sense to Dinah, looking at it from Sara’s perspective. She had been vulnerable, hurt and lost. Where else was she supposed to go? Just like having her bring him to their family dinner made some sense to her, looking at it from her youngest’s perspective. It had been one of the worst decisions Sara had ever made when it came to her sister, her affair with Oliver not included, but she could understand that she had been unsure what to expect after that first disastrous evening and the safety and support Oliver provided her with must have given her some sort of comfort and security. The events and the way they had played out made even more sense now that she had seen them together, leaning on each other, supporting each other, taking care of each other.

What they had was truly fascinating and beautiful.

The amount of trust, understanding and respect between them seemed to be infinite.

They saw the other as an equal in every aspect of the word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I've been seriously struggling with this chapter. Mostly because I've been trying to work out the backstory to Laurel and Sara's messed up relationship and find a way to, hopefully, make sense to the trainwreck it turned into. I seriously wish the Arrow writers would've appreciated and cared enough for the Lance family to give us some much needed backstory...as it is, I'm doing my best here. Let me know what you think. Any explanation, suggestion ideas as to what might have been the reason for the trainwreck that is the pre-Gambit relationship between the Lance sisters is more than welcome. I've only maybe halfway developped a couple of possible reasons...
> 
> Aldo I forgot to mention I had to look up the whole what age are you in what grade in the US, so if I did the age cut off part wrong let me know... Sara's birthday is supposedly on December 25th 1987 so I don't know I got confused... I also suck at math so that could be a possible issue too.


	19. Those damaged goods you see love sees them differently and you don't have to stay the broken girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All she had to do was play the part to perfection and if she was lucky, she’d be so good that she’d even manage to convince herself and then the lie would become the new truth. 
> 
> He wasn’t sure what had happened shortly after everyone had left. But somehow they had ended up having one hell of an argument. Try as he might he just couldn’t remember what had started it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all:
> 
> Thank you to everyone who gave me kudos! You guys are great and I really appreciate it and knowing that people like my story.
> 
> Once again Arrow’s inconsistency is screwing with me. This time when it comes to their timelines. I was under the impression that Ollie and Tommy had known each other their whole lives… and Rebecca Merlyn was killed when Tommy was eight years old. Yet, Laurel mentioned in Season 1 that she had never met Tommy’s mother. But she and Ollie had known each other since they were 7 years old. And looking it up Arrowverse wiki says that Ollie and Tommy met during the two years that Malcolm was away, but that he and Moira had slept together before he left.
> 
> This is so very confusing. Seriously, I feel like everytime I manage to kind of figure some of their past out and make sense out of the bits and pieces that we got, there’s another thing that makes their past even a bigger mess. 
> 
> So for the sake of this story, Tommy and Ollie had known each other their whole lives. Rebecca had Tommy in a public school because she didn’t want him to feel entitled and wanted him to know how the other half lives. Ollie, Laurel and Sara went to private school, the Lance girls could go because Dinah was a professor at the college that was part of the private school. Malcolm had Tommy transfer to their school after Rebecca’s death. The Queens helped him out with Tommy and Malcolm left around a year, one and a half after Rebecca had died and right after he and Moira had slept together, this led to Moira and Robert taking Tommy in for the two years Malcolm had been away. 
> 
> And I feel like I need to apologize for this chapter in advance so here goes; I'm really sorry... I didn't mean to...

Sara

Sara slowly blinked her eyes open, her mind gradually slipping into consciousness. One of the first things she noticed was the big hand cradling her stomach. She slightly lifted her head so she could look down. What she saw was Ollie’s hand laying protectively on her rounded stomach. One of her own hands moved on its own accord, softly covering his, slipping her fingers in between the spaces that the fingers of his open hand created. Sara bit her lip when she felt a pang and her heart constrict painfully, while her eyes filled with tears. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before she took a shuddering breath, trying to get a hold of her emotions and keep the tears from falling, removing her hand from Ollie’s as if she had been burned, forcing it on the mattress next to her hip. Curling her fingers into a fist, until her nails dug into the tender flesh inside, the pain bringing her a small amount of relief. She carefully turned her head to make sure that her actions hadn’t woken the man next to her up. She was glad to see his eyes were still closed and his chest rising and falling regularly in a soft, calm and familiar pattern that let her know that he was still sound asleep.

She let her eyes drift back to her stomach and Ollie’s hand so lovingly placed over their child.

And she almost… for a moment she almost forgot… almost wondered… maybe… but it was just a wish… a dream… something that could never be… because her baby only deserved the very best that life had to offer, and she couldn’t give her child that. She was too damaged, too broken, too dangerous. Her hands were covered in blood and would only taint her baby, leaving scarlet handprints all over its tiny, innocent little body. And she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t damn her own child.

Sara turned her head to Ollie again, ensuring that he was still fast asleep, then she slowly lifted both of her hands and carefully placed them over Ollie’s on her stomach and closed her eyes.

She gave herself this one brief moment to let herself dream… to pretend things were different. Different enough that she could give their baby what it needed. 

She let her mind paint a picture of the life they could’ve had, had she made different choices. She let herself feel all the love she had for Ollie and their precious baby, all the hopes and dreams. She could feel the tears return and run down her cheeks. She swallowed hard and removed her hands from Ollie’s and used that move to push all her hopes, dreams and feelings away. Push the life she so desperately wanted but couldn’t have away. Put it in a box, lock the box and store it as far back in her mind as she could.

This was for the better.

This was the best thing she could do for her child.

Give it up, let it go to live a safe, happy, unburdened life. A life that wasn’t tainted by its mother’s blood soaked hands.

What she wanted didn’t matter, it never had. She had learnt that a long time ago. Learnt to just push her feelings aside, put a mask on; whichever the audience expects or requests and pretend that everything is okay and no one besides Ollie would be the wiser.

All she had to do was play the part to perfection and if she was lucky, she’d be so good that she’d even manage to convince herself and then the lie would become the new truth.

She would to whatever she had to, whatever it took to ensure the best possible life for her and Ollie’s baby. She would be whoever she needed to be to go through with this and give her baby away.

There was a small voice in the back of her mind, all the way back where she had stored her newest box, whispering that maybe, just maybe, she and Ollie were the ones who could provide the best possible life for their baby. That maybe, just maybe, she could be happy. They could be happy. She and Ollie and their baby… maybe. Maybe they could be happy, a happy family… the three of them… like their baby deserved.

Could it be?

Did it matter?

No, it didn’t.

Because she didn’t deserve to be happy. Not after everything she had done, all the lives she had taken, the lives she had destroyed and the immeasurable pain she had caused. She didn’t deserve to be happy, and Ollie and their baby deserved better than her. A broken, damaged and torn shell of a person, a killer, a murderer, a monster.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ollie woke up when Caitlin came in to check her vitals and see how she was doing and if she was up to eating something. He decided to go and make her a small and light breakfast, while Caitlin was checking her IV and vitals. Asking her how she was feeling and if she had at any point during the night felt the need to throw up again. Her new doctor seemed thrilled when she told her that her mom had brought her some chamomile tea and she had managed to not only drink it all but keep it down.

The brunette stayed in the room with her and Ollie once he came back with her breakfast and some more tea. She managed to eat and drink it all, to everyone’s relief, and didn’t feel nauseous at all. Ollie actually put his arm around her shoulders and drew her into his side, kissing her head in relief and support. It was then that Caitlin spoke up and the words she said ensured her the full attention from both Ollie and her.

“I would like to get you to a doctor’s office today, Sara. Just to take some more tests, that I can’t really do here and it’s really important to me that we can take a sonogram. I want to make sure that everything is fine with the baby. Given that this would be your first one. I’m almost certain that it is, but I just want to make sure. If that is alright with the two of you.” She was looking at them expectantly.

Ollie looked at her for a moment, reading her before answering the doctor.

“Of course, whatever you think we should do. That’s why we asked you here. To tell us what we should do and help us out with these types of things.” She gave him a half smile to show him she agreed with his words.

“Great, I will make some calls and see if I can find a doctor who is willing to lend me his office for an hour.” Caitlin smiled back at them.

“Caitlin, wait. Before you do that… I… I have some questions that maybe you could answer?” She looked at the other woman a little unsure. Maybe now wasn’t the right moment…

“Oh, yeah, of course. What are they?” Caitlin smiled at her encouragingly and pulled the armchair in the corner of her room closer to the bed and her and Ollie.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caitlin

Caitlin just couldn’t get that awkward moment, when she had found out that Oliver was the father of Sara’s baby, out of her mind. Even less the conversation that had followed that revelation. They were not keeping the baby. They would give their baby up for adoption. She still couldn’t wrap her head around it. Why would they do that? They both seemed very invested in the pregnancy and their child’s well-being. They seemed to care so much about their baby… so why would they give it away? 

She had seen Oliver’s face when he saw his child for the first time. The wonder, awe and love that was reflected on it was what was to be expected by a father-to-be. Not to forget the joy in his eyes when she told them the child’s gender. Why would he give the baby away? 

It made no sense to her. 

The only thing that made even less sense was Sara. She did not know what to make of her. On the one hand, she seemed to be on top of her pregnancy and determined to not do anything wrong. To do everything she can to make sure that the baby will be healthy. 

_“I know that I can’t work out the way I usually do. I was just wondering, are there exercises I can do? I’m aware that I need to gain a certain amount of weight every trimester and that’s not why I ask. Working out helps me focus and center myself. So, it would be really helpful if there are exercises I’m allowed to do.” Caitlin was once again surprised by Sara’s question, knowledge and honesty, but then she recalled that Laurel had mentioned her being pre-med before she had disappeared with Oliver._

_“Actually, exercising is important during pregnancy. You should exercise at least 30 minutes a day. It’s just the type of exercises you choose to do that’s important. And that you need to be careful about. Swimming is something that a lot of pregnant women do. It’s really safe. Or you know, water aerobics.” She started to answer the mother-to-be’s question._

_“No. I won’t do anything in water. You can also remove the water from any birthing plan you might want to create.” Sara told her even before she managed to finish her sentence. Oliver chuckled lightly next to her. She felt slightly taken aback and insecure given their reaction until she remembered that both of them had nearly drowned._

_“Oh, ahm, okay. Walking, or even light jogging on level terrain or a treadmill is something you can do, you just need to be aware that loose ligaments and joints can make jogging harder on your knees. Low-impact aerobics is fine too, or even kickboxing, granted that you and your sparring partner are careful. Weightlifting is also okay, you just need to use lower weights. There are pregnancy-appropriate Pilates and Yoga routines. You’re very fit so there is a lot that you can still do. Just don’t overdo it and take it easy. How about you tell me what your usual exercise routine was, and I use that as a guideline and come up with a pregnancy appropriate routine for you… that changes as the pregnancy progresses?” She explained and offered._

_“That sounds great, thank you. It would be a tremendous help.” Sara gave her a grateful little half smile._

On the other hand, she seemed very set on giving said baby up for adoption and there was little to no reaction from her the moment she saw her baby for the first time and learnt what she was having. 

That moment had been the first time since she had met the other woman that Oliver and Sara were not in sync with each other, but in complete dissent. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver

Oliver couldn’t stop looking at the piece of paper in his hands. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting in the armchair in the living room, just staring at the sonogram of his unborn child. Caitlin had printed it out for them, showing them all the important parts of their baby. Their perfect, healthy baby. Oliver couldn’t stop looking at the sonogram, the first picture ever taken of his and Sara’s daughter. They were having a daughter. A little baby girl. A mini Sara… he was almost sure of that… He traced the lines of his daughter’s tiny body on the even smaller photograph with his finger. Lines he had memorized hours ago… God, she was so small, but healthy and with a strong heartbeat according to Caitlin. His perfect little baby girl. His tiny little Hummingbird.

This was how Sara found him after her, what he later found out, four-hour nap. They had, after a lot of reassuring and possibly some begging, managed to get their apartment back at least for the rest of the day and night. For now. Dinah was spending the night at Laurel and Thea’s but told him and Sara that she would be back tomorrow morning and bring breakfast, if that was alright with Sara. Sara had smiled at her family and Thea and told them that was a great idea, after a quick glance toward her older sister.

He wasn’t sure what had happened shortly after everyone had left. But somehow they had ended up having one hell of an argument. Try as he might he just couldn’t remember what had started it.

_“I know that. Don’t you think I know that? I’m not… I’m not trying to shut you out, Ollie. I’m just… I can’t… I don’t know how to deal with this… on top of everything else I already don’t know how to deal with. And the way Caitlin looked at me, us… god, it made me feel even more like a monster. You have no idea how badly I wished… god, this is horrible. I shouldn’t feel like this. I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it. I wished so badly that I could feel anything besides the cold dread while looking at it, but… I just… can’t. I can’t feel anything. I’m a monster.” He honestly couldn’t remember what had set Sara off, if it had been her mother’s choice to stay with Laurel for the night, even though Sara was the reason she had come down here? Had it been the amount of convincing and time it had taken them to get everyone out? And both of them had felt crowded over the last couple of days. As grateful as they were for their families’ support, it had been too much._

_“No, Sara, no, you’re not… Caitlin doesn’t think you’re a monster, she would never…” Their friend had been taken aback when they told her they were giving their child up for adoption that was true but she had not… maybe asking her for help had not been as good an idea as he had first thought._

_“Yes, I am. And don’t even try to tell me that you know how I feel and that you feel the same way! God, look at you! I saw the look on your face, Ollie. Don’t even try to tell me you felt nothing, that a part of you wasn’t happy. We both know it would be a lie.” She spat the words at him as if they were poisonous. Oh, his Bird was a master in transforming her pain and hurt into a deadly weapon she wielded with the skills of the assassin she used to be. And just like in the field, she never missed her target._

_“What do you want from me Sara? I’m trying, okay? I’m doing the best I can, given the circumstances. But you know what? I don’t know what to do either. You’re not the only one who’s struggling with this. I didn’t choose this anymore than you. I’m sorry if I’m not acting the way you want me to, but you know what might help with that? Talking to me and telling me what the hell you expect or want from me. I didn’t ask for this. I just fucking gave up my son so he can have a better, saver life so no, I don’t know how to handle this! I can’t… fuck… I can’t okay… just… please tell me what to do. Tell me how I can help you. Don’t shut me out. You’re not alone in this. You’re not the only one who’s hurting. Together, remember?” They didn’t argue often, but when they did it got ugly real fast. They knew each other too well, have known the other too long and Sara never failed to hit him right where it hurts and push all of his buttons. He knew what she was doing, knew what she was trying to do but he wouldn’t play, not this time. He wasn’t going to let her push him away again. Not this time. Not now. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and tried a different approach, sort of._

_“That’s not… look given everything you’ve been through the last year feeling detached is not a surprise. This doesn’t make you a monster, Sara. It’s just your way of trying to deal with the emotional overload you’re currently going through. You wouldn’t be able to function if you didn’t compartmentalize and detach yourself from some of it. I want to help you, I want to be here for you, Pretty Bird, but I can only do that if you let me.” He did his best to keep his voice calm, but strong, trying to get through to her. Trying to make her see. Trying to make her understand that he understood…_

_“I know, don’t you think I know that? I’m trying. I really am. I just… Ollie, I can’t. I don’t know what you can do to help. I don’t know what I need.” Sara was still angry, but there was a slight desperate edge to her voice now._

_“I’m not asking you to. I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, Sara. I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t know if I can go through with it. I thought I could, but after this morning knowing… seeing her… I just don’t know anymore... I just… I don’t know if I can give her up, not now that she’s become real, become a person. Now that I know that she’s a girl, and I thought I could do this because it would be better, saver for her. But she’s our baby girl and I can’t stand the thought of strangers raising her, not knowing if they treat her right, love her the way we do. With William it was different, I at least know that he’s with his mom and that Samantha loves him more than anything. What if the people who adopt her won’t? What if they won’t treat her like the miracle she is? Won’t let her know just how special, precious and loved she is? But on the other hand I don’t know if I can do this. She deserves the world and I don’t know if I can give her everything she deserves. Be the father she deserves. Being in my life will automatically put a target on her back. What kind of father would I be, if I risked my own child’s life for my own selfish reasons?” He wasn’t sure what he should do. What the right thing to do was. Keeping their daughter in his life would endanger her, giving her up would mean that she might grow up with people who didn’t cherish her the way she deserved to be cherished. Because she was so very precious, his little Hummingbird. The moment he had seen her for the first time and heard her heartbeat he fell in love with her, he was sure of it and he just never thought… he didn’t think making this choice would be this hard._

_“It’s your choice Ollie. I’m not going to make you give it up if you want to keep it. I just… I can’t… I can’t promise you anything. I won’t promise you that you won’t have to do it alone. I can’t. I don’t… I just can’t. But if you want to raise the baby, you should. It can’t do better than you, Oliver. I know you will be the best father in the world. I just… I can’t… it’s not even born yet and I’m already fucking it up. You saw what happened three nights ago, I can’t even… I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I could be happy. I could feel anything besides defeat, numbness and despair, but I can’t. It’s just too much.” It was clear to him now. Sara wasn’t going to budge on the subject, she wasn’t going to give him an inch today. There was nothing he could say to her right now that would convince her that she was not a monster. That she was not fucking their child up. That she was doing amazing given the circumstances. But she wasn’t done yet. Wasn’t done trying to push him away. Wasn’t done using her anger to keep the pain away. Wasn’t done lashing out and trying to hurt him as badly as she was hurting right now._

_“Fine, you want me to tell you what I need? What I need right now is to be left the fuck alone.” Her voice was curt and cut like a knife. Even more so after the events of the last couple of days, and especially this morning._

_“Okay. Okay.” his voice was quiet yet understanding, but he knew he also sounded defeated._

She had gone to her room to lie down right after that and he had slumped down in the armchair, head buried in his hands, allowing his exhaustion and desperation to take over for a moment before digging the picture of his daughter from his wallet. 

From the moment Caitlin had told them they were having a girl he couldn’t stop but picture a tiny version of Sara, and a long-forgotten memory from their childhood had pushed itself to the forefront of his mind.

A memory of five-year-old Sara, crying in the parking lot in front of the mall because she had been distracted by some birds playing in the bushes and hadn’t realized that everyone had walked on, not noticing that she had stopped to watch the birds. She had thought they had forgotten her or left her on purpose, because she had gotten in trouble with the adults before the trip to the mall and again in the car because she was screwing around and not listening.

Both Dinah and his mom had been so frantic and scared once they had realized that the youngest child was no longer with them, and all five of them went looking for her. Thankfully Sara had stayed in the spot they had lost her, still fascinated by the birds but crying desperately. Dinah had rushed to her daughter and hugged her, apologizing and asking her if she was okay and what had happened that had made her stop. All Sara had done was cling to her mom, all the while sobbing, saying that she had thought they had left her because they didn’t love her anymore, because she wasn’t as good as Laurel and because she was always getting into trouble. And that she didn’t mean to get into trouble all the time and that she would be better, she would be good too, just like Laurel. So could they please love her again? He had only been eight at the time and it had gutted him. That had been the moment he had decided to make sure that they would never forget little Sar-Bear again and to always make sure that she wouldn’t feel like this again. He hadn’t been able to understand back then why Sara had felt that way. He had seen first hand how terrified Mrs. Lance had been at the prospect of her missing daughter, and he had never felt like Mr. and Mrs. Lance loved Sara less than Laurel. Looking back now it wasn’t hard to see where she had come from, Laurel had always stuck to the rules and Sara had always broken them even if back then mostly unintentionally, so Sara got punished for breaking the rules and Laurel barely ever got punished because she never broke the rules. So, Sara getting the idea in her head that they might love her less because she wasn’t as good as Laurel was easy to understand now. But it was a concept that was hard for a single child to grasp, even more so at only eight years of age.

And all he could see now, thinking about giving their daughter up, was a little version of Sara, standing alone somewhere, crying and wondering if her parents didn’t love her and that was why they abandoned her. And that image was killing him.

Yet, the other image that was demanding attention too was that of a mini Sara, lying in her own blood, beautiful little blue eyes frozen open, asking him why he had let her die? Why he hadn’t saved her? That this was all his fault, that it could’ve been prevented if only he hadn’t been this selfish. Just like all of her mother’s deaths had been the result of his selfish actions.

Oliver was pulled from his thoughts by the weight of a small hand on his shoulder, seeking balance while the body it belonged to climbed into his lap. One knee on each side of his hips, arms moving around his neck and head coming to a resting place between his shoulder and collarbone.

“I’m sorry, Ollie.” The words were muffled and mumbled into his neck. He could feel the wetness of her tears on his skin. His arms automatically wrapped around her slight frame pulling her closer, breathing her in while resting his head atop of hers.

“It’s okay, Tweety Bird. I know. I Know.” He kissed her crown before resting his head back on it. Closing his eyes and basking in her presence. Slightly rocking her back and forth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so for anyone who wonders the Chapter title is from the song "Broken Girl" by Matthew West. A very beautiful and very sad song! But I feel it has a very Sara/Oliver vibe... and the lyrics fit the chapter.
> 
> And I know I already apologized, but I feel like I have to again, this chapter actually nearly made me cry writing it and that was so not my intention or how I planned for it to go…
> 
> So, I know that this chapter might have shone a bad light on Dinah and Laurel and maybe even Quentin, that was not my intention. Dinah and Quentin weren't mean or unfair towards Sara. They were simply parenting their daughters and Laurel would've received the exact same punishments had she done the things Sara did. Just to point that out. There was also no preferential treatment, it was just how Sara felt at that point in time. Plus Quentin probably had mentioned one time or another how people would just leave their pets at the side of the road when they no longer wanted them and Sara being five remembers that in the situation she was in, given the fact that she was in a parking lot with cars...
> 
> Dinah staying with Laurel again was not preferential treatment or putting her first and Sara second. Just to put that here. It will all be explained. Just putting this out here for the people who think Dinah's a bad mother.


	20. We got nowhere to go Everything I ever wanted was someone, I'm watching them go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity knew she'd gone too far the moment she said it, and really she didn't mean it. She loved Sara, and she didn't think of her like that at all, she was just hurt and lashing out and trying to hurt Oliver... but she could see her error the moment she made it. There was one rule, one very important rule when it came to Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so... I guess this chapter isn't really Felicity friendly at least part... maybe most of it. I really really tried to stay true to her character but I feel like I failed miserably. I really didn't mean to make her sound like a bit... but I think I kinda did. Sorry about that. I tried my best. And I have never made it a secret that I have my issues with her character but I should be okay with writing her more like the original season one and two version after this chapter. So yay!
> 
> Again, sorry I really didn't mean to bash her.

Felicity

Felicity had been ringing with this decision from the moment she had learnt why Oliver, Thea and Sara had been MIA. Laurel had gone home for the night. Too worried to do anything and she told them she felt like being alone. So, they let her after making her promise to call them if she needed anything or if there were any news. It had been a few hours after Laurel had left that Barry had shown up at the Bunker, before going back to Central City, to let her and Digg know what was going on and that Oliver and Thea were fine and that Caitlin was taking care of Sara… and Sara’s unborn child. That had been a shock for both her and Digg. And Barry tried to backpedal when he realized that they hadn’t known about Sara’s pregnancy. He made them swear not to tell anyone. And left shortly after explaining that Cisco needed him back home. But that he’d be back if they needed him.

Laurel had later called them and let them know that she was at Oliver and Sara’s with her parents and Thea. And that everything was under control and she’ll talk and explain everything to them later. So, both she and Digg had gone home too. There was really nothing they could do except sit around, and they could do that just as well at home.

She had spent the following day with her mom, talking about what was going on and how worried she was about Sara and that she didn’t know what she should do. Her mom had told her to leave everyone alone for now and wait until she got more news. That it sounded as if there were enough people with them already and that it might get too crowded if any more were to show up. 

So she waited. 

Waited until Laurel called her again. Letting her know that they were all heading back home. That Oliver and Sara were both doing okay and asked them to leave them alone for the rest of the day and the night. So, she had stayed away again.

But today, today she decided that she couldn’t sit around and do nothing any longer and that she needed to know how they were doing. Needed to talk to both Oliver and Sara in person. To make sure they were okay.

And this is how she ended up standing in front of Oliver’s apartment door. Not sure what she should do. Maybe she should’ve called first. Or texted. She was still trying to work up the nerve to ring the doorbell when the door suddenly opened and Sara was just about to step outside.

“Felicity...” Sara looked surprised when she found her in front of her doorstep just standing there.

“Sara, hi. How are you? Is Oliver here? Can I come in?” Felicity realized she was babbling but couldn't stop herself, she hadn't been ready to push the doorbell yet. Her eyes automatically trailed from Sara’s face to her rounded stomach under what looked suspiciously like one of Oliver’s business shirts.

“Ahm... yeah, Ollie... Ollie's here... hold on, I'll get him.” Sara walked away from the door, leaving it ajar but not inviting her in. Felicity noticed Sara's mom, who had been standing slightly behind the other woman, obviously ready to leave with her daughter.

It didn't take long for Sara to return with Oliver. The two of them seemed to have a silent conversation before Sara put her hand on his arm and said something in a language Felicity didn't understand, Oliver answering the blonde in kind. It was very clear to her that whatever they were saying was not meant for her and Sara's mom's ears. Felicity was pretty sure they were speaking in Arabic, at least the language sounded a lot like the one that was primarily spoken in Nanda Parbat. 

Sara gazed intently at Oliver for one last time, before getting on her toes and kissing his cheek. Giving his hand a tight squeeze before she left with her mom. 

Leaving her alone with Oliver.

“Oh wow. I thought Barry was pulling my leg. But Sara's really pregnant. Sara with a kid. Now that's not an image I would've thought of. Kind of hard to picture her as a mom, right? So, who's the dad? Is he in the picture? I mean, its kind of weird the two of you living together if there’s another guy… I can’t imagine him being cool with that.” Felicity was still standing just inside the doorway to Oliver’s new apartment, watching Sara and her mom as they disappeared behind the closing elevator doors. Stepping into the apartment after Oliver had motioned to her to.

She laughed at the first part of her short ramble, Sara wasn't the type of woman that screamed ‘mom’ to her. She looked at Oliver expectantly, wondering about the guy that got Sara pregnant. She couldn’t really picture anyone, really. The last person she knew Sara was involved with had been Nyssa…

“Sara will be an excellent mother, there's no question about it.” Oliver’s answer was brief and clipped, which led to her finally turning around and facing him.

“I didn’t say she won’t be. I just said that it’s hard to picture her with a baby. I mean, you have to admit nothing about her really screams ‘mom’.” She explained, trying to get him to lighten up a little and focus on the point she made. It wasn’t that she thought Sara would be a bad mom, just that it was really hard to picture the former assassin taking care of a child, even less a baby. For some reason her attempt seemed to not have the desired effect. Oliver huffed, set his jaw and pursed his lips and went into the defensive.

“There’s really nothing easier than picturing Sara as a mom. And a damn good one at that. She loves children, always has, which is why she used to work as a babysitter in her teens. How about you stop making assumptions about someone and something you know nothing about and tell me what you’re doing here?” She could see that his patience was waning, and she knew she should just drop the subject and tell him why she was here.

“So, what about the baby’s father? Is he around or going to show up… what’s the story.” But as usual, her mouth and curiosity got the better of her.

“It’s really none of your business. What are you doing here, Felicity?” Oliver’s curt reply and dismissive attitude started to seriously rub her the wrong way. 

“Why didn't you tell me about Sara's pregnancy?” So she replied in kind and decided to answer a question with a question.

“I didn't think it was any of your business.” Still curt, dismissive, as if he was simply stating a fact and the most obvious one there was. Why wouldn’t it be her business? Sara was her friend.

“Not my business? So, it's everyone's business but mine? Once again you decided to tell everyone but me.” And everyone including Caitlin… and Barry, who once again seemed to have learnt about Sara’s pregnancy before her.

“The reason everyone knows is because of what Sara's just been going through the last couple of days. And the everyone you're talking about are our families. We had told no one... we didn't plan on telling anyone yet. We were still trying to figure out how to tell people about the baby. But even if things would've gone according to plan, our families would still have been the first ones to learn about our baby.” Oliver sounded close to being at the end of his rope. He seemed to be getting really fed up with the topic of the conversation, well too bad for him. She wasn’t done yet! She had a right to know and a right to an explanation as to why he… wait, did he just say… no, it couldn’t be… he hadn’t just said…

“Wait what did you…? Did you just… Our baby? Did you just say OUR baby? You’ve got to be kidding me! You're the father of Sara's baby? Wow, didn't take you long to get back together with her. Wait, I thought you guys weren't back together.” Felicity still couldn’t believe it. Did she really just hear right? He couldn’t be serious! And hadn’t Digg ensured her that no, they weren’t back together? But then of course he’d screw Sara right after they broke up. It really wasn’t that surprising when she thought about it given their past. She seemed to be his go-to person for situations like this. 

“We're not. It's not... it's complicated. But yeah, Sara's pregnant with my child.” Oliver looked at the floor at the beginning of his answer just to look her straight in the eyes when claiming his child.

“Excuse me? Wow! I really can't believe you, Oliver. So you're not back together. You just decided to knock her up after giving up William. That makes sense. Make a new child after you gave the other one up because it was better for him! Genius, Oliver! You knock up your ex and then you stand there and tell me it's none of my business. Are you serious? But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, you decided that William was none of my business either. How could you keep this from me?! Me! You think I don’t have the right to know that you knocked up Sara? I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me after everything with William… How could you keep more secrets from me? Were you even going to tell me if I hadn’t just made you? What else aren’t you telling me? And wow, you just jumped right back into bed with Sara… I mean how long have you waited until after we broke up? From the looks of Sara’s stomach, not that long. I can’t believe it! You and Sara just can’t keep it in your pants, can you? And I can't believe Sara... I mean she's really just always willing to spread her legs for you... isn't she?” Felicity knew she'd gone too far the moment she said it, and really she didn't mean it. She loved Sara, and she didn't think of her like that at all, she was just hurt and lashing out and trying to hurt Oliver... but she could see her error the moment she made it. There was one rule, one very important rule when it came to Oliver.

Don't ever insult Sara Lance in his presence. 

“Stop! Just stop, Felicity. You have no idea what you’re talking about, so maybe you should just for once show some restraint and not say anything at all. From the moment you showed up here you’ve just been making assumptions and you have yet to tell me why you’re here and what you want.” Oliver’s harsh and angry words took aback Felicity. She couldn’t remember him ever talking to her like that before.

“Oliver… I…” but she was cut off by her furious ex.

“No, you don’t get to talk right now. This isn’t about you. This has never and will never be about you. Nothing concerning Sara ever was. So, you know what? I’m done. I’m done trying to protect you and spare your feelings or boost your ego after you feel insecure about whatever, or in this case a woman I have known for over twenty years and my relationship with her. Someone you called your friend while telling me that the way I was grieving her was wrong. You have no idea, no idea what she’s going through, what she and I are going through, and you’ve made it perfectly clear with that rant, that you don’t actually care. Not about this and not about me. The only thing you care about is yourself. Believe me, I got the message loud and clear all these months ago. You really managed to make me see just what you thought of me and our relationship. But you know what, Felicity? I’m not the only bad guy here. And you have no right to judge me. We didn’t tell you or anyone because it’s no one’s fucking business. And least of all yours. You lost your right to know what’s going on in my life when you walked out of it the same moment I gave up my son. Because you felt you had the right to be a part of Samantha and I’s decision. A decision she barely let me be a part of. You fucking got up from your wheel chair and walked away from me. Do you have any idea how much I wanted to share that moment with you, the moment you could walk again? It was something I had wished and hoped for ever since I found out that you might never walk again. It was the one good thing that had happened that day. The one good thing! And you took that away from me too. Do you have any idea how much that one action alone hurt? That you wouldn’t even share that joy with me after everything we’ve been through? You do not understand how badly I wanted to wrap you in my arms and just hold you and enjoy this very happy occasion with you. How much I wanted you to walk towards me. But you chose to walk away from me… from us. Your first action after regaining the feelings in your legs was to walk away from me. And all I wanted was for you to walk towards me, to wrap you in my arms and share this miracle of a moment, this very joyful occasion with you.” Oliver looked at her with so much pain in his eyes that she didn’t know what to do or say. She had honestly never thought about that. She had never thought about the fact that the first thing she did when she got the feeling back in her legs was walk away from him. It had just seemed natural given the situation they had found themselves in. She never imagined that this was how he was feeling about it. She never actually thought about his feelings at all. And she had to swallow because once again she hadn’t considered his feelings, they hadn’t even crossed her mind, not then and not until now that he shared them with her. But he still wasn’t done. She guessed he really meant it when he said that he was done sparing her feelings. 

“And you’re right, I lied to you. I kept things from you. But so did you. You never told me that you were helping the Team while we were in Ivy Town, or that you weren’t happy. Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me those things? We could’ve talked about them. Could’ve worked on them. Could have tried to find a solution. Just like two adults in a relationship should. Marriage is about inclusion, right? About not having to do things alone? So why hadn’t you included me in the knowledge that you weren’t happy or satisfied with our life? Do you know how that makes me feel? I had been happy in Ivy Town, happier than I had been in a long time. I thought we both were, but it had all just been a lie. Hadn’t it? Were you ever happy with just me? Was there ever a time during our relationship where I was enough? You’ve known who I am even before we got involved. You knew that I had secrets, that I tend to lie. None of that was news to you, so why did you suddenly act as if you hadn’t known that all along? As if you hadn’t known who I was. I’ve never hid that from you or made excuses about who I am. I had no choice but to not tell you about William. I had told no one about him. Samantha made it very clear that she would keep him away from me if I told anyone. I begged her to let me tell you, she refused. William doesn’t even know that I’m his father. I’m a friend of his mother’s as far as his concerned, and that’s probably all I’ll ever be. If he’ll even remember me. So yeah, I chose to get to know my son. I chose my child over you. I thought you of all people would understand that and why I did it, given your childhood. I never thought I could be this wrong.” Oliver shook his head, looked at the floor and exhaled before looking back up at her. This time his expression had changed. It was no longer open and vulnerable. His eyes were hard, and his jaw was set. She was just about to say something when Oliver delivered his final blow. 

“One more thing. If you ever talk to Sara the way you did me or say anything like that in her presence I swear I’ll make you regret it. You claim that she’s your friend. It’s way past the time for you to put your money where your mouth is and start to act like it. And don’t you ever, ever say or do anything that could even just imply that you think she might be a terrible mother. That’s the last thing she needs to hear from anyone right now, even less a friend. What she could use is all the love and support she can get. And she’s always adored you and has a soft spot for you. That hasn’t changed and won’t change. She might be angry at you on my behalf right now but I’m sure she’ll get passed that in no time, if you proof to her that you are her friend and someone she can count on. Friendship is about more than just being there for someone when it’s convenient for you, it’s about being there for them when it isn’t.” The beginning of his statement had been told in what she had dubbed his “Arrow-voice,” years ago, but once he mentioned Sara it got softer, just like the look on his face, he sounded like a parent giving advice to his child when he mentioned the part about friendship. An uncomfortable silence followed his statement. Felicity wasn’t sure what she should do or say. She felt… honestly, she wasn’t sure how she felt right now. This had been a lot. She had expected none of this when she decided to stop by and talk to Oliver. She swallowed hard.

“So, again, what are you doing here Felicity?” Oliver asked after a deep sigh and a short glace towards the floor before fixing her with his eyes.

“I just… I just wanted to see how you and Sara were doing. I… we… I… I was worried. You guys scared us. Scared me. And when I heard that Caitlin had been here to take care of Sara… I just wanted to make sure the two… well… I guess… three of you are doing okay. Are you? Are Sara and the baby?” Felicity swallowed hard, blinking away the tears that had built during his outburst. She did not like to be on the receiving end of that one of Oliver’s looks at all. And it made her nervous. Even more so after he exploded at her the way he did. She wasn’t sure how he was going to react to her answer. Was it okay for her to ask him how they were doing? Would he think she was prying again? She still couldn’t really wrap her head around everything she has just learnt, and that had happened, but Oliver was right, she could at least admit that to herself, to some degree anyway. 

She would have to spend some more time thinking about everything he had said and letting it all sink in, but she could try, for now.

“Oh. Okay. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean… I’m sorry I yelled at you. Thank you… for worrying… and caring. It means… it means… We’re fine, all three of us… are fine. Sara just needs to take it easy for a while and then everything should be fine.” Oliver looked taken aback after her revelation, and it surprised her. Why would he be surprised that she stopped by to check up on him and Sara? Why would he be this surprised about the fact that she cared about him and Sara? They were her friends. Of course she cared. How could he question that?

“It’s okay. I guess I had it coming… in a way. Look, I’m really sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean… You were right. It’s none of my business. What you do and who you do it with is none of my business. And whatever happened or is happening between you and Sara is between the two of you. I shouldn’t have pried and I shouldn’t have said what I did… I was just… shocked, I guess. But that’s no excuse. I’m really sorry, Oliver. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it. And I would never say something that would make Sara feel as if she were an unfit mother. That was never what I was saying or how I meant it. I swear. I would never want to make her feel that way. I promise I won’t ever say anything that could make her think that. I swear!” She didn’t know what else she could say. Or do. She wasn’t sure what had happened that led to this situation they were currently in. She didn’t know what was going on with him. Or with Sara.

She didn’t know what was going on with him.

The realization hit her like a freight train. Maybe that was the problem. She didn’t know what was going on with him. Didn’t know what had happened in the months since he had left Star. Didn’t know what was going on with him and Sara. What had happened to Sara. And how all of this was affecting him. She didn’t know what was going on with him or in his life.

Because she chose not to.

Because she had chosen to walk away from him.

To walk away from him instead of trying to work on their problems. Trying to find out why he didn’t share his secrets with her. Why he didn’t trust her. Why he didn’t trust her the way he did Sara. But then again, it wasn’t just her he didn’t trust the way he did Sara. It was Laurel too, and Thea, and Digg, and really everyone.

He didn’t trust anyone he did the way he trusted Sara.

Maybe she should have tried to figure out why. Why he had such trust issues with everyone except the woman who had shared some of his time on Lian Yu.

Felicity looked at Oliver. Really looked at him for the first time in… she couldn’t even remember, and what she saw cut her to the core.

He looked exhausted. Physically but more importantly emotionally. He looked worn down and as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. There was a lot of pain in his eyes. How had she not seen this before? Had this just recently happened? Or had he already looked and felt like this before he had left? Was some of his pain her fault? What was going on that was wearing him down so much? And what could she do to help him? Help him carry some of the burden that was weighting him down?

“Look… Felicity… I… you… we… before… we used to be great friends before… all of this happened… and I would like… if you… could we try to go back to that? Could we try to be friends again? I miss having you as my friend and I could really use another one right now.” Oliver started and gave her an expectant, vulnerable look and a weak smile. Offering her an Olive branch.

“Yeah, we were. I miss having you as my friend too, and I would like that.” She returned his smile tentatively, surprised by the turn in their conversation.

“Good, that’s good. Just… baby steps, okay? Give me time?” His request was quiet and heartfelt, and she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying something she knew she’d regret and would ruin the small amount of progress they had just made.

“Of course, as much as you need.” She gave him another smile before pointing towards the door.

“I think I’ll better… give you some time. You know where to find me… if you need a… a friend.” She gave him a nod and turned around and left his apartment. Taking a deep breath once she was in the hallway and the door closed behind her.

That had been intense.

And not at all what she had expected. Oliver had given her a lot to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have been too harsh on Felicity and I might have really written her out of character but I really needed her to say some stupid stuff that would set Oliver off and finally get him to explode and tell her how he was feeling and what her actions did to him. And I know Oliver is really really harsh but well... yeah...she kind of deserved it. And Felicity really managed to step into a lot of the issues Oliver and Sara are dealing with that are very touchy subjects that she doesn't know about but Oliver would be very sensitive about. So...Plus, remember, Oliver just had a really rough couple of days and just learnt that he was going to have a baby girl which let to him being in a very emotional state and a lot of turmoil. So yeah, he's kind of like a powder keg, one spark and it explodes. 
> 
> And Felicity really needed a wake up call. Oliver gave her that. She has a lot to think about and figure out now. 
> 
> I hope you guys still enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Chapter Titel is from the song 3am by NF.


	21. Sorry I could be so blind my ignorance has struck again tore you open 'til the end Sorry I could be so blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn’t know how long she had been standing there, just watching him, while he kept on staring out the window, ignoring her. Fine, if he wanted to be this way and just ignore her in hopes she’d just get fed up with his behavior and leave, so he didn’t have to make a decision on how he was feeling, he could but she really thought he had learnt by now that she could out stubborn him every day of the week. She wasn’t going to leave. Not until he asked her to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it.

Sara

When Sara returned home from her shopping trip with her mom, she found Oliver sitting in his armchair in the living room staring outside, completely engrossed in his thoughts. She leaned against the doorframe to take in the picture he presented and watch him for a bit.

God, he was beautiful. How could any person be so damn beautiful?

He was just so beautifully broken and torn and ripped apart at the seams just to be hurriedly and clumsily stitched back together. Just like an old patch worked quilt. His heart and mind were littered with scars just like his body. And yet, he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Inside out.

She gave herself permission to stare and drink him in a little longer until her gaze trailed over his body, taking in all the little details that would help her gauge his current mood.

It didn’t take her long to notice the piece of paper in his hand.

The same one she had found him staring at last night, after their argument.

Their trip to a doctor’s office with Caitlin had really thrown him.

She mused it wasn’t that difficult to understand. Shit had just gotten real for him. Not that he hadn’t known she was pregnant, but until earlier this week her weight gain wasn’t obviously from a person growing inside of her, and he hadn’t been confronted with the pregnancy the way she had been. Most of the changes she had been going through hadn’t been ones that would have helped Ollie in making it feel more real, unlike they were for her because she was experiencing them firsthand. It was her body that went through all of those changes, some of them not visible or noticeable for anyone besides herself.

So, seeing the baby, hearing its heartbeat, plus its recent growth spurt, were all things that drove the reality of the situation home for him.

The realization that he was going to be a father was setting in.

And she was pretty sure that his reaction to it wasn’t at all what he had expected. He hadn’t expected to be this thrown and affected by it. He hadn’t expected to get this emotional. To end up being this conflicted about their decision.

He was really struggling right now. Struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that yes, they were going to have a baby. And that they decided to give it up. Well, only if she was certain that Ollie was one hundred percent sure it was what he wanted. She wasn’t going to let him do something he would end up regretting for the rest of his life. And as harsh and cold as it sounded, in the end it was her signature that counted. They weren’t married which meant that right now officially he had no claim to their child, not without her consent or a DNA test. So, he could sign those papers. But if she refused to do the same, the baby wasn’t going to be given up for adoption. Period. In the end when it came to the law it was her choice. At least until it was born.

He looked like hell.

Her hope that his run in with Felicity might have gone better than she had expected had disappeared completely by now. And it had already been very slim to begin with. The fact that he had still been emotionally raw because of their argument the night before and the harsh words she had thrown at him, couldn’t have helped the situation. She couldn’t even begin to describe how awful she felt about everything she had said. She hadn’t meant any of it. She hadn’t been able to push the pain she had felt after their appointment away, hadn’t managed to put it all back in its box like she had wanted to. So, she had tried to distract herself from her pain and when that had failed too; she did what she had always done. She lashed out, trying to make Ollie feel as bad as she did. Knowing full well that he had already been in pain too. That there had been no need for her to cause him anymore. But in that moment, she hadn’t cared. She had needed some sort of release for the pain she was feeling, the pain that she didn’t know how to handle. And she had felt them, she had felt the demons under her skin stir again, begging for blood, whispering that she would feel better, that feeling the warm blood on her hands would make her feel better, would make that bone deep ache, that unbearable pain disappear. So, she did the only thing that had made sense to her in that moment, to push her pain away, to hopefully satisfy the demons under her skin enough to make their whispers go away again. And that was to lash out at Ollie, to wield invisible knives, to cut open his emotional scars and make them bleed again.

If she could take the argument and the words she had spoken back, she would, without a moment’s hesitation. But what’s done was done all she could do now was damage control. And try to make it up to him.

She slowly walked towards him, making sure that her footsteps made a sound on the hardwood floor. She could see in the slight shift in his posture that he was finally aware of her presence but didn’t turn towards her. She stopped within arm’s reach of him, studying him before deciding how to proceed.

She didn’t want to intrude. She didn’t want to interrupt his brooding. And she wasn’t sure whether he wanted her around. She knew she wasn’t his favorite person right now. Understandably. She was feeling the same way about herself. But she also didn’t just want to avoid him and give him the feeling she was still angry at him. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. Not to mention that she had never actually been angry with him to begin with. She was only angry at herself for using him as her emotional punching bag. Last night’s argument had had nothing to do with anger at all.

She didn’t want him to feel that way. She didn’t want him to feel that she was angry at him and avoiding him because of that. Not after this morning, not if he might need her. Or wanted to talk, or maybe just some company.

So, she stood close enough to touch so he could reach out to her if he wanted to, but far enough away not to crowd him if he didn’t. And she would stay in that exact spot until he gave her a sign. A sign to let her know what he wanted and needed. Until he let her know what she should do. What he wanted her to do. Until then, she would just wait him out. Give him all the time that he needed.

Even though her feet were killing her from the shopping trip, her mother had forced her to go on. A shopping trip she had never wanted to take to begin with. She was fine just throwing on some of Ollie’s clothes. And she knew he didn’t mind. So, she really didn’t see the point why her mom had insisted on dragging her from one store’s maternity section to the next. Forcing her to try on clothes after clothes and making her buy way too much stuff that she didn’t want or need. Sara had breathed a sign of relieve when her mom had decided that they had bought enough, for now, finally being released from this hell, looking forward to heading home and lying down, giving her exhausted body some rest and putting her sore feet up. Maybe even getting a foot massage from Ollie, if he felt like being around her and doing something nice for her. Not that she expected him to or deserved it… but that man did know how to give a proper massage. So, she could dream and hope…

Only to exchange one definition of hell for another, okay maybe not hell but definitely not her definition of fun right now. She still didn’t know how her mom had managed to rope her into going for coffee, or in her case tea, to Laurel and Thea’s apartment.

And hadn’t that been fun.

Both Thea and her mom had tried to sort of bridge over and try and solve the issues between Laurel and her without really addressing any of it. And not bringing any of their issues up. Not that either of them could. Neither her mom nor Thea actually knew or understood her and Laurel’s issues. All they saw was the obvious, the symptoms. They didn’t know or see the underlying disease. The origin of the poison that had slowly seeped into their relationship over the course of years. They didn’t know the plant that had poisoned them. Probably weren’t even aware that it was poison to begin with.

It had been exhausting and there was no need to say, nothing had been talked about or solved at all. She almost felt as if things might have even gotten worse. But she wouldn’t know until she spoke to Laurel herself, alone. She had managed to leave without much protest after a couple of hours with the excuse of being exhausted and needing to lay down, which had actually been the truth.

Her mom was, thankfully, still there spending time with the two women, probably still trying to do damage control when it came to Laurel, and all of her shopping bags were left with her. 

But she had needed to leave.

It had all been just too much.

And there was nothing she wanted to do more right now than just fall into her or Ollie’s bed and sleep. But sleep had to wait. At least for now. Until she knew what Ollie needed. It was the very least she could do after yesterday. She at least owed him that.

Sara purposely avoided looking at the sonogram in Ollie’s hand. She couldn’t… it had been the reason they had ended up with last night’s mess and the consequences they were still dealing with now. There was no way she was going to risk making even a bigger mess now. So, ignorance and denial were the way to go for now. Not acknowledging what it was that Ollie seemed to be incapable of letting go or putting down.

She didn’t know how long she had been standing there, just watching him, while he kept on staring out the window, ignoring her. Fine, if he wanted to be this way and just ignore her in hopes she’d just get fed up with his behavior and leave, so he didn’t have to make a decision on how he was feeling, he could but she really thought he had learnt by now that she could out stubborn him every day of the week. She wasn’t going to leave. Not until he asked her to.

God, her feet were killing her.

Sara rolled her shoulders back and moved her neck around before stretching her back. Jesus, being on her feet for hours was really starting to take its toll on her and her body. Her lower back was hurting. A hot bath would be heaven right now, before lying down. She was pretty sure Ollie was in no mood to give her a back rub or foot massage, which was fine. A hot bath would help ease some of her aches. At least once she got any type of reaction from Ollie. And she’d done whatever he needed her to do. God, she was so tired and everything hurt. She was also pointedly ignoring the slight movement she could feel in her stomach. Had for a while now. She couldn't deal with that on top of everything else now, too.

Fuck, she would have to eat and drink something soon. Otherwise her blood sugar would plummet and that would be bad for the baby and might actually lead to her fainting. Neither one something she wanted to happen.

It were moment’s like this that she wished Ollie wasn’t as stubborn a mule as he was. It would make her life so much easier right now. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Oliver

He had been aware of Sara’s presence from the moment she had stepped into their apartment. The part of him that belonged to Sara and Sara alone, that was always in a state of worry, concern and fear when she wasn’t within his close proximity, relaxed and calmed down immediately, knowing that she was home, that she was safe.

He noticed when she stopped and could feel her eyes on him, mustering him, analyzing him. He shifted slightly when she walked into the living room, but that was all the acknowledgement of her presence he was able and willing to give her. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about last night and the things she had said. He knew that she was sorry and regretted saying them, but still… her words had hurt. Even knowing why she did what she did and chose the words she had said… they had still hurt even knowing that it had been her goal to hurt him. That she had lashed out to make him hurt as much as she did, he knew that, and he understood that, but it didn’t change the fact that the words she had chosen to wound him with, had cut so very deep. And he knew how sorry she was, how much she regretted her actions, the fact that she had sought him out first, that she had actually apologized to him, spoke volumes and made that very clear.

But he wasn’t sure he could deal with her right now.

Not after the way things went with Felicity.

He had never meant to revisit the past. To rip open those wounds that had barely healed during the five months he had been away. He hadn’t meant to rehash the entirety of their relationship. To get back to that place where he questioned all of it, questioned if he had ever been enough for her. This lonely, cold place where he wondered if he would ever be enough for anyone. Or if all anyone would ever see when they looked at him were his scars, physical and mental and just how fucked up he really was. Would anyone ever be able to love him for who he was? All of him, including the monster that lived within him? Did he even deserve to be loved by anyone? Even less unconditionally? He was a monster, a killer and monsters and killers didn’t deserve to be loved.

Fuck.

He had never meant to yell at her like that. He had never intended to speak to her the way he did. He had no right to have spoken to her the way he did. He shouldn’t have spoken to her the way he did. And he wouldn’t have… not if it hadn’t been for the argument he and Sara had had the night before.

Having those types of arguments with Sara or maybe Laurel was one thing. They knew… they knew how he meant shit like that; they knew he didn’t… they had known him long enough to know that he didn’t mean to be that harsh. They understood him and how he worked, which was why they always gave back as good as they got. He had gone countless rounds with both Lance sisters, and those arguments usually ended up being a draw. Because neither side pulled any punches and in the end, they always made up. Sometimes right after, sometimes it took a few days, sometimes even weeks, and on rare occasions it might have even been months. But that was fine. Because he knew, all parties knew, that they would figure shit out and make up again. Because they’ve known each other for too long, have been through too much together not to.

But Felicity wasn’t Sara or Laurel. Felicity didn’t understand why he had lashed out at her. She couldn’t. She had no way of knowing that having her show up out of the blue, unannounced had thrown him. She had no way of knowing that the main reason why Sara had agreed to go shopping with her mom had been to give him some space after their fight. Space that he desperately needed after spending the night holding and comforting Sara.

Even though a part of him had still been, and still was, angry at her.

He had never meant to let his anger, frustration and hurt out on Felicity.

He had never meant to tell her all the things he had. She was never supposed to know some of those things, his feelings and emotions, just how much some of her actions have hurt him. He felt really bad about the way he had spoken and treated her. There was still a part of him that just wanted to protect her, from everyone and everything. Shield her from the harsh reality that was the world to ensure that she would never lose her naivete and happy, positive outlook on life. But he also knew that he and Digg hadn’t necessarily done her any favors, making sure that none of her actions had any negative consequences for her. Shielding her from the truth of what some of her words and choices had let to or could have let to. Letting her mistakes, no matter how bad or severe slide, not calling her sometimes reckless and thoughtless behavior out, when he would have given someone else hell for doing the same things he let her get away with, with no consequences for her at all. 

But he could’ve been a lot less harsh. He had meant to bring it up, but not like this. 

Fuck!

This had not been at all what he had expected. What he had wanted his first conversation with Felicity to be like. He hoped he hadn’t messed it all up. Hoped that she had been sincere when she told him that she would like to be friends again too. Because he needed her. He needed her in his life. He needed her sunny, chipper and humorous personality in his life.

Felicity was so very important to him, and he did not want to lose her.

He knew Sara was still standing within his reach, waiting for a reaction from him, but he really couldn’t care right now.

He knew his behavior was wrong. That he shouldn’t make her suffer, but part of him really didn’t give a shit about what he should or shouldn’t do. He just couldn’t… he had done nothing but take care of her or anyone else for the last couple of days and he was done. He was exhausted and his emotions were a mess. He was still trying to wrap his head around everything that had happened, but it was all just too fucking much. And he was just done giving a shit.

Besides, Sara could handle whatever he was throwing at her, so she could handle this too. She could always walk away and leave him alone if she couldn’t handle his current behavior. He wasn’t forcing her to stay here and wait him out. Wasn’t forcing her to endure his silent treatment or him pretending she wasn’t there. He wasn’t forcing her to wait him out until he decided to stop ignoring her.

He wasn’t sure how long they had been playing their little game until he started to study her reflection in the window.

She looked worn down, he could see her eyes regularly closing on their own accord, slightly swaying on her feet, he watched her roll her shoulders and crack her neck before stretching her back and then placing both of her hands on her lower back. While a flicker of pain was visible on her face.

She shouldn’t be standing. She shouldn’t be standing here waiting him out. She should be in bed, lying down. Why was she here? Why was she participating in his game? She should be resting.

“You should be in bed, resting.” His voice was gruff, and he was still not facing her.

“No, I’m right where I should be. I’m fine.” She replied softly. He hated when she did this. When she decided that whatever he was going through or dealing with was more important than her health. For one because it was bullshit, and she just ended up putting herself in unnecessary discomfort or danger. And two, it made it almost impossible for him to stay mad at her. Knowing that she was willing to risk her health in order to ensure that he was okay and getting what he needed.

He gritted his teeth in anger and annoyance, traced his thumb over the photo of their little Hummingbird, shortly wondering if she would be as stubborn and exasperating as her mother, before exhaling angrily and pursing his lips. He put the photo back in his breast pocked while he stood up in one swift motion, striding to Sara and picking her up, carrying her to his room to lie down with her.

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

He softly placed her on her back in the middle of his bed before following her onto it. Moving until he could kneel with one leg on either side of her, his face hovering inches above hers.

“Ollie?” Her voice was soft and questioning while her eyes were studying his intently.

He let her scrutinize him for a moment before bending his head all the way down to capture her lips with his.

Fuck it, fuck it all.

He just wanted to feel something besides the pain and hurt. He just wanted to forget. Forget the fucking mess his life had become. He just wanted to get lost. To clear his mind of everything besides the physical pleasure she could bring. Desperately seeking the comfort only Sara could provide him with.

He just needed to forget, just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's some insight into Oliver and his behavior in the previous chapter. I hope it explains everything and makes people understand why he treated Felicity the way he did. 
> 
> As always I'd love to know what you guys think. 
> 
> The Chapter title is from the song "Sorry" by Halsey.


	22. Just a kiss and you make me forget you don't know, how far I'd be willing to go you can count on me to always be there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next time he woke up it was dark outside, and he could hear noises from the kitchen. He tensed for a moment before remembering that Dinah was still staying with them. She must have gotten back from… where ever she had been after Sara had come home once they were done with their shopping trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahm...sorry...???
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the new chapter.

Oliver

Oliver slowly and distractedly traced Sara’s naked side with his hand, watching her sleep while his thoughts were a million miles away. He had just woken up a couple of minutes ago. Woken up from his impromptu nap, after… after… he softly kissed Sara’s neck before laying his head back down on the pillow. He felt better, calmer now. Like he always did after seeking comfort in Sara’s body. Part of him felt bad, bad about using her like this. Even more so after the way he had treated her right before… he closed his eyes for a moment, exhaling. His hand slowly drawing circles on her rounded stomach. He moved his head forward a fraction to kiss the back of her head, breathing in her unique scent.

Fuck, he loved her. He loved her so damn much.

He had missed her so fucking much. After she had left for Nanda Parbat. And then she had come back, and he had gotten used to, used to the fact that no matter what, his Pretty Bird would always find her way back home, even if only for a little while. He had just gotten used to that. And then she had given him a small glimmer of hope, when he had asked her if her being back was more permanent.

_“We’ll see.”_

Coming from Sara, that had almost been a fucking confirmation. It had been as close to a promise as it could get with her. And he had hoped, hoped that maybe she’d come home, that maybe she could somehow split her time between the League and Nanda Parbat and him, her family, his Team and Starling. He had actually dared to hope that maybe she became a more permanent fixture in his life again. Only to… only to walk in to the Foundry to her broken, bloodied and cold body lying on the table.

Her beautiful eyes staring empty into space.

All the life, the love and compassion usually reflecting in them gone forever and he couldn’t bear, he couldn’t bear looking at those lifeless, empty eyes where so much life and love used to be. So, he had closed them. So, he wouldn’t have to look at that empty stare anymore.

That empty stare that represented the cold, hard truth.

Sara was dead.

His Pretty Bird had been shot from the sky. She would never fly again.

His Tweety Bird had come home for the last time. Had left him for the last time.

He had felt as if someone had pulled the rug out from under him. He had only just gotten used to the fact that she would always come back home… god; it had hurt. It had hurt so damn much. He had thought he would suffocate because he couldn’t breathe. Or that he would surely bleed to death from the gaping hole in his chest.

People would think he’d gotten used to losing her by then, but that time had been different. It had been the first time he had irrefutable proof that she was dead. There was no more hoping that maybe she was still somewhere out there, that maybe she had survived too. No more hoping that she would come back home. Just like birds did, they flew south in winter and came back north in summer. There was no more hoping that his Pretty Bird would come back to him, her north, the way birds always do.

Because for the first time there was a body.

Her dead body was lying in front of him, broken, shot full of arrows, unmoving and cold to the touch.

He still doesn’t remember most of that day, and the days that followed it. He still wasn’t sure how he had made it through that year. Where he had pulled the strength from to keep going, to not give up. He knew part of it had been to make sure, make sure that her killer would be brought to justice, would suffer the way he was suffering every day because his Sara was gone.

Because his Canary had been taken from him. Forever.

And he had failed. He had let Malcolm live.

There was a part of him, and not just the part that belonged to Sara, that wondered why? Why hadn’t he killed Malcolm? He would have deserved it. He would have deserved to receive the same treatment Shrieve got from him in Hongkong, for taking his Pretty Bird’s life just to further his selfish plan.

Why did he allow him to breathe, still?

Oliver wasn’t sure. Wasn’t sure it had been the right choice. Still wasn’t sure that Malcolm being alive was a good thing and that his leniency with his best friend’s and baby sister’s father wasn’t going to be something he would end up regretting again. Malcolm had been the reason William had been taken.

There were a lot of things Oliver wasn’t sure about where Malcolm was concerned.

But there was one thing he knew for sure, now. He would kill him without a moment’s hesitation should he ever come near either of his children, or Sara for that matter, ever again. And he was sure that Tommy would understand. That his best friend would understand if he killed his father to keep his children and Sara safe.

At least he hoped Tommy would.

Oliver focused on the soft skin under his hand for a moment, the warm body pressed up to his, breathed in her scent again and kissed her head and shoulder several times in close succession. Reminding himself that Sara was alive, she was home; she was right here. She was fine.

When Sara had left after her resurrection it had been torture. He had felt like a part of him was missing, that she had ripped a part of his heart out of his chest and took it with her. He had always felt like a part of him was missing, every time he had lost her, or she had left, like someone cut off one of his limbs, and he could still feel phantom pain. But that time, that time had been so much worse. Because he had known, he had known how much she was hurting, how badly she was struggling and knowing that she chose solitude over his help… the thought of her being somewhere in this world all alone, avoiding people and suffering… it had nearly killed him. The only thing that had brought him some release from that pain had been their phone calls. Hearing her voice and knowing that she was still alive… still out there… still letting him be a part of her life, even if only from the distance. It had meant everything to him. Just like her actions after she had learnt about what had been going on in his life.

She would never truly know or understand just how much it had meant to him that she had come back home to him.

That she had come home to him when he had needed her most. And that it had been entirely her choice. He had told her she didn’t have to. That he couldn’t ask her to. That it was fine. That he was going to be fine. Knowing that she had still chosen to come home for him, to be there for him, even after his reassurances. It meant the world to him. 

Sara and their unborn daughter meant everything to him.

He wasn’t sure if he could let her go again when the time came. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to watch her leave again. But he also knew that he would never make her stay. He would never ask her to stay while knowing she wanted to leave. He refused to cage his Canary. Ever. He’d much rather let her rip his heart out again than be the reason she felt caged and miserable. Be the reason she couldn’t spread her wings and fly free.

Sara had always been a free spirit, a wild child. She had always had that need, that longing to be free. Free to do what she wanted. To go where she wanted. To be who she wanted to be and to be with whoever she felt like being with at that moment in time. Her freedom, her lack of care about societies rules and expectations had always been something he had admired and envied her for. It had been one of the things that had drawn him to her. How could he ever expect her to deny that part of her that made up an enormous amount of who she was? He could never do that. He could never ask her to make such a humongous sacrifice. Not for him.

Just like he was no longer sure if he could give up their daughter. The more he thought about it, the harder it got to stick with his original choice. He was still convinced that it would be the best and safest option for their baby girl if she were raised by people with less mental health issues and dangerous enemies than he and Sara had. There was no question of that in his mind. Keeping her in their lives would automatically put a target on her back. She would be in danger from day one. And he knew it was a danger and a risk he should not be willing to take, his daughter’s life should not be something he’d willingly gamble with but he just couldn’t get John’s words out of his mind:

_“I know where Sara is every night, Oliver. I know what she's doing, who she's with. She sees my face every single day. I'm there for her, and she knows, and I know that I would never let anything bad happen to her. I keep her close, man, and that's how you keep your children safe.”_

A huge part of him knew, his heart, his soul, his entire being knew, that he would need to know, once that baby was born that he would need to know where his little Hummingbird was, that she was okay, that she was safe and loved and taken care of and… he seriously doubted that he could give her up, not once he met her, held her… she was a part of him… but more importantly she was a part of Sara. And he knew, rationally he knew there was a huge chance that Sara would leave once their little Hummingbird was born. To make sure that she would not become a danger to her daughter. As absurd as the notion of Sara ever becoming a danger to their child was to him. He knew that she would do whatever she deemed necessary and right to keep their daughter safe. And he was almost sure that there was no way that he could handle loosing them both, that he wouldn't be able to give up the tiny human that was a part of Sara. 

He stopped the movement of his hand on her stomach and stretched his fingers as far apart as he could to span as much of her pregnant belly and their child as possible.

Oliver felt her shift slightly in his arms, and he lifted his head again to see if he’s actions had woken her up. He smiled slightly when he saw that she was in fact still fast asleep. He kissed her temple and drew her close, nuzzling her neck softly. He closed his eyes and tried to get some more sleep too. He could use it.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next time he woke up it was dark outside, and he could hear noises from the kitchen. He tensed for a moment before remembering that Dinah was still staying with them. She must have gotten back from… where ever she had been after Sara had come home once they were done with their shopping trip. He buried his head in Sara’s neck for a moment longer, just basking in her company before slowly detangling himself from her body and getting off the bed. He walked to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He left his bedroom, after carefully pulling the comforter over Sara’s sleeping form, slightly opening one window, turning on the small lamp in the room's corner to ensure that it wasn’t pitch black when she woke up and glancing back one last time a tender smile adorning his face, before pulling the door until it was almost closed, but not completely, knowing that Sara didn’t like to be in rooms with closed doors.

He softly padded towards the kitchen and the noise and light coming from it. He stopped in the doorway watching Dinah cook for a moment, being reminded of all the times he had spent at the Lances growing up, watching Dinah cook while Laurel and Sara were sitting at the table close by or on one of the counters chatting with their mom and him. He missed those times. Life had been so much simpler back then.

“Oliver. I didn’t wake you, did I?” Dinah had turned around and was studying him now.

“No, no, you didn’t. I’m honestly surprised I slept as long as I did.” He ensured her and explained.

“Is Sara still asleep? I think I might have expected too much of her today and completely tired her out.” The older woman asked and admitted sheepishly.

“Yeah, she’s still out cold. Don’t worry about it. She tends to do that all on her own anyway. Did you at least manage to convince her to buy some clothes? I know how reluctant she was about the simple concept of getting new clothes.” He stepped further into the kitchen while talking to Dinah, taking hold of a chair and moving it to the counter before sitting down.

“That’s our Sara. Yeah, it took a lot of convincing, but in the end, she just capitulated once she realized that I would just make her try on even more clothes until she agreed to buy something. I know my daughter and how to get her to do what I want.” Dinah told him, grinning, and Oliver automatically returned her grin with one of his own. He could just picture Sara’s exasperation because of her mother’s antics.

“Can I help you with anything?” He wondered after watching her in silence for a couple of minutes.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you. You just sit and relax, honey.” She smiled at him warmly and turned back to the stove.

Oliver went back to watching her and his thoughts.

It was very easy to see where Sara got most of her personality from. Dinah’s first question implied that she had known that they were asleep, which meant that she had probably gone to check on them and seen them in bed together. And yet, she acted as if nothing had happened. As if finding them naked in bed together was the most normal thing in the world. Dinah’s easy-going attitude had always been something that he had appreciated and enjoyed growing up. She had been one of many reasons why he used to love spending time at the Lances. And he still appreciated it now.

She wasn’t pushing them. Wasn’t questioning them. Wasn’t judging them for their actions and choices, and he was so very grateful for it. He was grateful for her presence and the way she was taking care of Sara and him. He had always considered her to be like a very cool aunt or something. A grown up he actually enjoyed spending time with because she wasn’t as strict and stiff as the rest and used to do small things that you weren’t supposed to, like eat some chocolate before dinner and actually handing each one of them a small piece while winking at him mischievously and pretend nothing had happened when Quentin appeared. And she was the only parent who had the tendency to watch him, Tommy and Sara while they were doing something stupid, that they probably weren’t supposed to, without interfering simply wanting to see what they had come up with this time and whether it would actually work. Most of the time simply amused by their antics and impressed with some of the things they had come up with.

She had pretty much been the only teacher he had actually liked and respected. And the only teacher who hadn’t been exasperated because of him and his lack of interest in anything relating to school. Not that she had ever actually been his teacher. He pretty much owed any success he’s had in his school career to both Laurel and Sara, and Dinah. They had pushed him and made him sit down and do his homework or study with them. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have done it or that he was stupid. He just never saw the point. He never understood why his grades mattered.

You got good grades to get into good colleges to get a well-paid job. He was a billionaire’s son; he didn’t need a well-paid job; he had a trust fund. Besides, he had known for as long as he could remember that he would take over Queen Consolidated no matter what. No discussion, no choice in the matter. So, he really didn’t need to go to a good college, which meant he didn’t need good grades, so there was really no reason for him to learn or pay attention in class.

He would take over the family business whether or not his grades were good.

Besides, his parents would probably just donate a shit ton of money to whatever college they wanted him to go to, to make sure he would get in. It was what they always did when it came to anything concerning him. Throw money at the situation until it was solved or gone. 

So, he had always figured there was really no point.

All three Lance women saw it differently and encouraged him to at least pay attention and try. Dinah had spent countless hours sitting down with him, going over subjects he actually struggled with, not stopping until he finally got it. Never giving up on him, never losing her patience.

He owed her so much.

“Okay, so dinner is almost ready. What do you think, should we let Sara sleep or wake her up?” the subject of his thoughts turned towards him, looking at him expectantly.

“I’ll go wake her up. She’s been asleep for over four hours, she’ll probably be starving. I hope you made enough food, she’s always had a healthy appetite as you know, she eats at least four times as much as she usually does now, per meal.” Oliver jokingly told Dinah, exaggerating entirely, she ate around double of what she had before. Dinah laughed at his joke and started to get everything ready while he left the kitchen to go get Sara.

Oliver quietly stepped into his room and walked around his bed until he was on Sara’s side. He knelt down and softly brushed a strand of hair from her face before gently caressing her cheek. It didn’t take long before she groggily blinked her eyes open, looking a little disoriented at first, until her eyes found his.

“Hey sleepyhead… sorry for waking you but your mom made dinner, and we figured you must be hungry, you’ve been asleep for over four hours.” He whispered while still tenderly brushing his thumb over her cheek. She gazed at him before smiling softly, slowly moving forward until she could bend down to tenderly kiss his lips while softly placing one of her hands on his cheek, before running it through his hair until it came to rest on the back of his neck, softly playing with the short hair there. 

“Hey… Thank you. I’m starving, actually. I’ll be right there, I just have to head to the bathroom first. The tiny human inside of me seems to be confusing my bladder with a waterbed.” Sara told him jokingly and then gave him another lingering kiss, which he naturally returned again before sitting up and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. He handed her a pair of his sweats and their Rocket’s sweater that he had gotten from his dresser on his way to her side of the bed. Before standing up and leaving her to it after, she moved her hand from his neck, heading back to Dinah.

“She’ll be right here, she’s just heading to the bathroom first. According to her, the tiny human inside of her is using her bladder as a makeshift waterbed.” He told the older woman once he reached the kitchen, slightly amused by Sara’s rather bizarre description.

“Good, that’s good. Dinner is pretty much done. Oh, I remember that. She has no idea yet. If your little one is anything like Sara was, the fun is just beginning. Oliver… can I ask you something?” Dinah smiled at him and laughed while remembering her second pregnancy before her features turned serious when asking the question.

“Of course.” Dinah’s amusement about Sara’s situation made him chuckle until the sudden shift in her mood and features, which led to Oliver looking at her intrigued, wondering what might be on her mind that was this serious and warranted such an enormous change in mood in so little time.

“Are you and Sara okay? There was a lot of tension between the two of you this morning. I don’t mean to intrude. I’m just worried about you. You both have so much going on already, I just want to make sure that everything’s okay between the two of you. I worry about both of you. And I know how important you are to her and she is to you. I would hate to see the two of you torn apart.” Sara’s mother looked at him with concern and compassion.

“We’re okay, or we will be. You don’t need to worry about that, Dinah. It’ll take more than an argument for Sara and me to be torn apart, as you put it. I don’t think there’s anything that could ever make me turn my back on Sara. I’ve lost her too many times as to let some harsh words spoken in anger and pain fuck everything up and ruin our friendship.” Oliver reassured and explained to Dinah. Hoping that she understood and that he could ease her worry and make her see that even if he and Sara should end up in another argument that might take longer to resolve than last nights, they would eventually resolve it and be okay again. Just like they always had.

“Thank you. I’m glad to hear that. And Oliver, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for her in the time you’ve known her and especially the last ten years. For being there for her when we couldn’t, helping her when she wouldn’t let us. It means the world to me and I know to Quentin too, even if that stubborn old mule would never admit it. I sleep better at night, knowing that she has you in her life, that you are still looking out for her. I’ll be forever grateful for that and in your debt. You brought my baby home to me, not once but twice. I’ll never be able to repay you for that. But I promise you, I’ll always be there for you if you need someone to talk to or just to give you a motherly hug or cook you a meal. All you have to do is ask and please don’t hesitate to call.” Her heartfelt words took Oliver aback, and he didn’t know what to say or do. But Dinah had already taken part of the decision from him and pulled him into a very tight, motherly hug, which he reciprocated automatically, before he knew how to react.

“You don’t have to thank me for that, Dinah. Ever. Sara’s… Sara… it was the least I could do. And I’ll always be there for her. For as long as I live. And thank you, I might actually take you up on some of this.” He was chocked up by her kind words and actions and he knew that it wasn’t difficult to hear it in his voice. But there was nothing he could do about that. Besides, it was Dinah, he had known her for over twenty years. She was family. She was the closest thing to a mother he had.

“Please do. I have missed your very charming company and that pretty face of yours for the last couple of years.” Dinah looked at him seriously for a moment to make sure she got her point across before teasing him to lighten the mood before Sara showed up. Grabbing his face and shaking it, laughing. He couldn’t help but return her laugh.

“Well, we can’t have that now can we.” He teased her back right before his Pretty Bird walked in to join them for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I feel like Dinah played a huge part in Oliver's life growing up. Dinah was your regular mom, well, maybe a little cooler than your regular mom but more importantly pretty much the opposite to Moira. And Oliver needed that. I always saw Dinah as generally the easy going parent but if you made her mad, she could be scarier than Quentin. Plus she always knew how to handle Sara, her wild child, given Sara and Oliver's similar personalities it was very easy for her to connect and handle him. The way I see it the Lance household was a place for Oliver to breathe. There were more rules there but he was allowed to just be and behave like a kid which was something I feel he couldn't really do at home. There were always expectations there and social rules he had to follow. He had to attend events where 'children were seen, not heard' and he always had to be at his best behavior. So being in a normal, middle class household gave him a chance to just be a kid and breathe. At least that's my opinion on the matter. Let me know if you disagree...
> 
> Chapter titel is from the song 'Kill for you' by Skylar Grey feat. Eminem, in my opinion the whole song is very fitting for them...


	23. I know I'm not my thoughts but my thoughts don't know that yet, running from something that I can't really explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had to shake her head and grin once she was back on her way to the kitchen.
> 
> Just friends, her ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled once again with a chapter, what a shocker, lol. Writing Laurel is always a struggle for me. I hope I got her right and did her justice. Let me know if I didn't.

Laurel 

Laurel wasn’t sure what she thought about her mom and Thea’s idea of Sara coming over for tea after she and her mom were done with their shopping trip. There had been a reason why she had mostly avoided both Oliver and Sara while she had been at their place. She hadn’t been sure what she would do or say if she saw them. She hadn’t had said much when Oliver had told her about her sister’s pregnancy. She had been in too much of a shock at that moment. Everything had sunken in for a while now and she hadn’t known... She hadn’t known what she would do, what she would say to Oliver if she saw him, even less her sister. 

So, she had avoided them.

Part of her felt horrible about that. And her thoughts and her inability to face them. But she didn’t know how. Didn’t know how she would react. She remembered how she had reacted the last time they had dropped a bomb on her, well not intentionally but still… that dinner after Sara had first come back home was still a vivid memory, just like her reaction to the revelation that Sara and Oliver had hooked up again.

And part of her was scared, scared that she would react as badly as she had back then again.

Even though Thea and her mom had ensured her, after she had confessed her fear to Ollie’s baby sister and her mother last night after dinner once her dad had left, that it had probably been the alcohol and the pills that had led to her extreme and violent reaction. She wasn’t sure that blaming it on her addiction wasn’t just an easy excuse. She had been angry at them long before she had sought comfort and an escape in alcohol and drugs. 

She had been so angry at them and the fact that she hadn’t given herself permission to be angry at them for their actions because they had died, not having an outlet for those negative feelings, had led to her letting her anger fester. Until Oliver had come back home and she had let it out on him. There had been no addiction then, and she had been harsh and cruel to him. Not considering what he must have gone through or how he must be feeling. And then Sara had come back, and she had been so mad at her. She had always been angrier at Sara than Oliver. She was her sister, for crying out loud. Why would she betray her like that? Why would her own sister hurt her like that? So, yes, she had given voice to her anger as soon as the object of it had come back into her life. So, was it fair to blame her actions towards Sara when she first came back on her addiction, while she had a similar reaction to Oliver reappearing while being stone cold sober?

What if that would happen again? What if it was just part of who she was? What if she would explode at them now too? That was the last thing they needed. The last thing she wanted to do, but still she felt like she needed to give voice to her thoughts, to her feelings. To try and get rid of her anger. And her pain before they would fester again. 

And yet she couldn’t get her mother’s words out of her head:

_‘Your feelings are never wrong and you are allowed and should feel however you do. All I’m saying is that you should think long and hard about whether giving voice to those feelings in front of your sister and Oliver is a smart choice. Sara is already feeling incredibly guilty and believes that you will hate her for this. I’m just trying to help you separate the past from the present.’_

Was she being selfish? Was the fact that there was a huge part of her that wanted Sara to know how she was feeling selfish? She knew now was not the right time for that, but she still felt like Sara should know, eventually, how much she was hurting right now. Was that because she wanted to clear the air and be honest with her sister? To make sure that those feelings wouldn’t fester again and lead to another huge argument and more discord between them? Or was it some selfish need for revenge? Trying to make her sister hurt as much as she had made her hurt all those years ago? Was it some sick form of payback? Her mom had told her Sara was already feeling horrible and guilty about it, so was there really any reason for her to tell her how she was feeling and making her sister feel even worse? 

Laurel wasn’t sure how she was feeling about the whole messed up situation and how she wanted to proceed. So, she was hoping that she wouldn’t accidentally say something she didn’t mean to say right now. Which was why she really wasn’t sure if having Sara over was a good idea.

But there was nothing she could do about that anymore now. She had barely finished that line of thought when the doorbell rang and signaled her mother’s and sister’s arrival. Maybe Sara had decided not to come?

She could hear Thea open the door and greet both women. So much for that last simmer of hope. Laurel took a deep breath and told herself that she could do this. It was just Sara. Sara, who she had missed so much during the months that she had been away. Sara who she had risked everything for to get her back. It was just her baby sister whom she loved so dearly. It was fine, everything was going to be fine, she was going to be fine. She straightened her shoulders, put a smile on her face and walked towards the voices to greet her family.

Her mom didn’t hesitate to draw her into a tight hug and kiss her cheek, squeezing her shoulder encouragingly before letting her go and slightly shoving her towards her younger sister, who was still standing in the doorway looking unsure, uncomfortable and about ready to bolt.

Laurel’s eyes strayed from her sister’s face to her obviously pregnant stomach. Her pregnant stomach that was easy to detect even through one of Oliver’s dress shirts, which was huge on Sara’s slight frame.

And she could feel a pang in her heart. The whole image her sister presented looked so domestic, pretty much the only thing that was missing was a huge rock on her left hand to round it off. Sara represented in this very moment everything Laurel had wanted for the majority of her life. And it was almost impossible for her to disconnect the way it appeared in her head and give room to the reality of the situation. All she could see was her pregnant baby sister wearing a shirt belonging to her baby daddy, a man Laurel had spent nearly a decade dreaming about and believing she would marry.

She knew she should shift her eyes away from Sara’s stomach, knew that this was not a smart move on her part, that she was making this a lot more awkward than it would be otherwise. She knew that this was not what she was supposed to do, that it wasn’t helping the situation at all but it wasn’t until Sara moved one of her hands protectively onto her stomach before she could pry her eyes away from the place where her niece or nephew were growing, the place where her ex-boyfriend’s child was living, inside her sister.

Sara’s move jolted Laurel from her thoughts and she looked back up into her sister’s face, feeling as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, doing something forbidden. She was sure she looked mortified.

Her little sister was nibbling on her lower lip, shifting nervously from foot to foot and avoiding her eyes entirely. Still standing in the doorway. Looking as uncomfortable as she felt. Laurel’s eyes strayed back to her pregnant belly for a moment and then back up to her face.

“Do you mind if… Laurel… I… Look, I’ll leave if you want me to, I promise, just… can I use your bathroom first? I’d seriously appreciate it. A lot.” Laurel was taken by surprise when Sara suddenly spoke up. Even more by her words. Those were not at all what she had expected. She was confused for a moment until she realized what Sara had said.

“Oh, of course, go ahead.” She waved her sister in while her brain was making all the connections to the spoken words and her behavior. Sara had been shifting from foot to foot, not something she usually did, not in nervousness as she had first assumed but as a common sign for someone who had to pee, add the pregnant belly and her hand on it softly stroking back and forth and the current issue was not hard to figure out.

It also reminded Laurel of the day Oliver and Sara had first come home, given the similarity of the situation. They’d known. Both Oliver and Sara had already known about her pregnancy then. That was why Oliver had seemed so uneasy when Sara had left his sight. Why he had asked her if she was okay when she had returned. It had been a subtle way for him to ask whether she had had to throw up, Laurel now realized. 

“Laurel, are you okay?” Thea put her hand on her arm, looking at her concernedly.

“What? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I think.” She smiled at her roommate, about to say more when Sara returned from the bathroom. It had only taken Laurel a minute to make a choice. 

She had asked her sister to stay and have tea and some cake with them.

It had been awkward, to say the least. Her mom and Thea had upheld most of the conversation, and Sara had excused herself after about an hour.

She had looked exhausted. And she had also seemed a little off, staring worriedly into space a lot, her eyes straying to a picture of Ollie and Tommy on her side table regularly. She had also noticed Sara stroking her stomach from time to time. She hoped everything was okay.

That Sara was okay.

And the baby, too.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Dinah

Dinah quietly walked into Sara and Oliver’s apartment. Wondering about the silence that she was greeted with. Not that either of those two were known to make a lot of noise, at least lately. She could vividly remember times past when the noise level was always very high when those two were in the same room, there was usually a lot of laughter and playful arguments, loud music and louder discussions, and them being quiet had meant one thing and one thing only, they were probably scheming. Planning something that would surely get them in a lot of trouble, if they got caught…

But that had been before… 

Maybe they were on the roof. Sara did like a magnificent view and the one from the roof was breathtaking. You could almost see the entire city. It wasn’t difficult for Dinah to see why they had chosen this apartment. The view alone was a huge selling point, not even considering the very spacious interior of the actual living area. 

She took the shopping bags to the kitchen to remove all the tags from the new clothes so she could put them in the laundry and throw a load into the washing machine. Just to make sure that Sara had no excuse not to wear them. Dinah had to shake her head, thinking about her younger daughter’s reluctance to get new clothes. She couldn’t understand it and she knew there was probably some underlying psychological issue with it she wasn’t able to see at the moment, and Sara refused to share with her. But that was fine. They got her some new clothes that would fit and that had been the goal for today’s trip. But maybe… Maybe her friend Sharon could help Sara… and Oliver too. She’d have to call her tomorrow and ask her. And of course talk to both Sara and Oliver and see how receptive they were to her idea. But she really felt that talking to a professional might help them both tremendously and could lead to both of their mental states improving to the point where they might change their minds concerning the fate of their child. Hopefully. She really didn’t want to lose another family member, and neither did Quentin. 

She scooped the clothes up into her arms and walked towards the bathroom where they kept their laundry basket and the washing machine. It was only on her way back to the kitchen that she noticed Oliver’s bedroom door standing wide open, which was unusual, he normally kept it shut, unless he was inside, but even then, it was usually only slightly open and not fully. She quietly and carefully walked towards it and peeked her head in. 

The sight that presented her made her smile softly. 

Oliver and Sara were asleep on his bed, her back towards his chest, his bicep used as a pillow by her daughter, and the hand from that arm was interlocked with one of hers. His other arm was tightly wrapped around her and she was pretty sure the hand under the sheet was placed on her daughter’s pregnant stomach.

They made such a beautiful couple.

Dinah’s eyes strayed around the room for a moment, taking it all in. The sparse furniture that fit Oliver even though it was a far cry from what he was used to and grew up with. The handful of pictures with his family and Tommy, Laurel and Sara including one that had Quentin and her on it too and even one of Raisa, and the mess of what appeared to be hastily discarded clothes on the floor next to the bed that did not fit the neatly kept room at all, and she once again noticed the old photograph of Oliver and Sara, from their trip to Yosemite National Park the summer before Sara started High School, with her daughter’s handwritten message to Oliver on it:

_‘My life has more meaning and is so much better because you are in it, Ollie.’_

Her eyes lingered on the photograph for a while, recalling the moment she had taken it all those years ago, before returning to the pair on the bed once more. Committing the scene to her memory and then turning around and leaving the room again. Pulling the door slightly closed, but leaving it ajar. It hadn’t taken her long to figure out that both Sara and Oliver kept their bedroom doors closed unless they were inside the room. Their bedroom doors were always ajar when they were inside, even at night when they were asleep. At least Dinah assumed they both had that habit, it might simply be only one of them, she couldn’t say for sure, they’ve always shared a room and a bed while she has been staying with them so far. This was the first occasion that they had changed the room and bed actually, they’ve stayed in Sara’s until today. Part of her wondered if the two of them sharing a room and a bed was simply because of Sara’s breakdown and Caitlin having stayed over and in Oliver’s room, or if they’ve already mostly shared their sleeping space and bed before… both parties were very insistent that they were just friends and not a couple. Contrary to their behavior…

She had to shake her head and grin once she was back on her way to the kitchen.

Just friends, her ass.

_‘There’s nothing going on between Ollie and me, mom. It was just one time.’_

Yeah, right. It was pretty obvious to her what had been going on, even if she hadn’t noticed the haphazardly strewn clothes on the floor next to the bed. It hadn’t been difficult to make out their naked states under the thin sheets… Not that she had a problem with their actions. For one, they were two adults who could do whatever they wanted, two it wasn’t as if Sara could get anymore pregnant and three it wasn’t any of her business either way. As long as they were both on the same page, even if that page currently seemed to be friends with benefits… at least according to them. 

Those two were so unbelievably stubborn and in some serious state of denial.

She just wished those two would figure it out and come to their senses. It was plain to see for everyone with eyes and that included blind people.

Oliver loved Sara.

Sara loved Oliver.

And they were just perfect for each other. They were so alike and yet different enough that they complimented each other in all the right places. They had a way of reaching the other when no one else could. They’ve always had had that. Even back when they were young kids. It had only solidified once Sara had started High School, and all four of the kids had gone to the same school again, for one last year. Well, the signs had already been there the summer right before, during the month-long trip that she and Quentin had taken with all five kids, because Oliver had been ‘grounded’ for hot-wiring Malcolm’s car for the fourth time in not quite as many months, well at least Robert and Moira’s definition of grounded, which meant that they didn’t take him with them on their business trip to Asia, so they were going to leave him at home with poor Raisa. Malcolm had been unbelievably mad at Tommy too so, they had decided to see if they could convince both the elder Queens and Malcolm to let them take the boys with them on the trip they had planned with their girls, just to get Tommy away from Malcolm and his unhealthy temper. When little Thea had found out that she wouldn’t spend the summer with her beloved big brother for the first time ever, she threw one hell of a fit which led to Moira asking them if they would mind bringing the youngest child with them too. They of course didn’t. One more or less didn’t really matter anymore either. Quentin came to regret their decision less than three days in. Losing his temper after Oliver, Tommy and Sara had managed to get themselves into a lot of trouble at a gas station. Which led to Thea crying because of Quentin’s angry yelling and Laurel berating her little sister for going along with the boys, which in turn led to Sara attacking her and Dinah being the one prying her younger daughter from her older one once again.

The memories of that summer made her chuckle. It had been fun, wild, crazy; the kids had definitely been a handful and Sara and the boys got in plenty of trouble, Thea sometimes too, just because she wanted to do whatever the older three did and followed them around constantly. Even Laurel got dragged into some of their shenanigans on more than one occasion. It had been a wonderful summer. Neither she nor Quentin would’ve ever expected the terrifying turn the school year ended up taking during that summer. 

Dinah had to admit she had been taken completely by surprise when Oliver had confessed, almost a year later, after Moira forced him to, that Sara had an eating disorder. And the fact that Oliver had been the only person who had noticed it to begin with and then went ahead and confronted Sara about it and tried to help her had been a shock, she had to admit. She hadn’t expected that from the eighteen-year-old. And she would forever be grateful to him for that. For always looking out for her baby and doing whatever he could to help her with her struggles. She didn’t think there were words that could express how grateful she was to him and how much his actions and his selfless devotion and care for her younger daughter meant to her.

She wished she knew what she could do to make him see and understand that she would be forever in his debt for everything he had ever done for her baby. Past and present and she was sure future.

Dinah went through the cabinets and the fridge to see what she could make for dinner. Letting her day pass through her mind again during the task.

The shopping trip with Sara had actually been really nice, except for her daughter’s reluctance to go ahead and buy anything. But other than that. She had really enjoyed spending some quality time with her younger daughter, for the first time in years. They’ve had some great conversations and Sara had shared some stories from her trip with Oliver. And Dinah had also learnt that it had been Sara’s idea. That she had suggested to Oliver that maybe he just needed some time away from home, put some space between himself and everything that was going on in his life. Her daughter had just shortly touched the major events in the young man’s life that had led to his choice to leave. Learning that he had a son which she had already known from Laurel and several conversations with her older daughter that had sprung from that revelation. His fiancé walking out on him, literally because of his choice of keeping his son safe, Felicity, who was at the front door earlier.

 _“I hope their conversation turns out okay, I know Ollie was worried about facing her and being alone with her. He was not yet ready to do that and is not in the right state of mind or emotional state for that confrontation, to be honest._ ” Sara had seemed anxious about her roommate, and Dinah was sure it was one reason she was rather distracted the whole time.

She had also asked her daughter if she and Oliver were okay. There seemed to have been a lot of tension between those two before they left. The only thing that had sort of broken the tension, or paused whatever issue they had been facing silently had been when, what she now knew was Oliver’s ex-fiancé, had shown up at their doorstep unannounced. Dinah was glad to know that they would put their issues aside to comfort or back up the other if need be. And she was pretty certain, given the scene she had encountered in Oliver’s bedroom, that they had solved whatever issue that had been bothering and put some slight discord between them. The only thing Sara had told her was that they had an argument last night and Oliver wasn’t too happy with her at the moment, and he was in the right. And she didn’t feel like talking about it. Dinah had accepted and respected that. Letting her know that she was always willing to offer her an open ear, should she change her mind. Sara had smiled at her and thanked her for the offer.

She had also noticed how Sara’s glance would sometimes stray and focus on baby clothes or women with small children, particularly little girls. But she never said anything to her daughter, pretending she didn’t notice her behavior. Dinah knew that the subject of her grandbaby was a complicated one and she didn’t want to say something that might sway Sara back to her original stance of giving the baby up, if she might actually be wavering when it came to the decision she had made originally. There was nothing Dinah wanted more than to be a part in her grandbaby’s life. But she knew that the choice wasn’t hers and that it wasn’t her place to try to sway Sara and Oliver in the direction she wanted them to go. She also knew how Sara’s mind worked and the more you pushed her in one direction, even more so if it was the opposite one than she was leaning towards, she would just push back and use every argument towards that side as a confirmation as to why she should not be doing that and she was right to do the opposite. It was a delicate matter and a subject she was not ready to broach again this soon after their last talk and Sara’s explanation as to why they chose to go this route. 

Besides, their choice made sense. She could understand their stance. Their arguments were hard to dismiss because there was so much truth and value in them. And their choice was one made from love. It was very obvious that both Sara and Oliver loved their child immeasurably and unconditionally. They loved that baby so much that they were willing to let it go, to give them what they perceived as the best possible life. You couldn’t argue with that. You couldn’t tell them they were wrong. That the way they loved their child was the wrong one. There was no such thing as loving someone the wrong way.

Dinah had to admit that her and Thea’s idea to make Laurel and Sara spend time together might have been a bad idea. But she had just been tired of Laurel’s rather childish, in her opinion, behavior even more so after she had tried to talk to her older daughter again the night before, while staying with her. So had Thea. They both understood that the situation was difficult on Laurel and that they hurt her. No one had any difficulty understanding that and expected her not to feel this way.

But…

Her entire _“I just can’t face them right now, mom”_ attitude was a little bit overdramatic if you asked her, and again, Thea seemed to agree. Yes, Oliver and Sara had hurt Laurel a lot in the past. And Dinah was aware of the fact that her daughters had never actually done anything to address or properly solve that issue or just talked it out. Neither did Oliver and Laurel. Dinah was sure that what Laurel needed was closure and that getting it and some long overdue answers would probably change some of the feelings she was currently having.

She had tried to address the matter and once again explain the current situation to her older daughter and she felt like Laurel was listening and understanding what she was saying. Dinah could also understand where Laurel was coming from when she said that she was afraid how she would react if she came face to face with either Sara or Ollie, even more both of them. So, okay, avoiding them to let it all sink in might have been a good idea. But she seriously doubted that Laurel would react as badly as she was afraid of. The last time she and Sara had had a confrontation that went horribly wrong, Laurel had been drunk. And she had been sober for over two years now. The fact alone that she was worried about how she may act was proof enough to Dinah to know that Laurel would not act the way she was afraid to.

So, enough was enough, and that was how she and Thea had ended up with their little plan to get the two sisters in the same room together, after Laurel had gone to bed. Just to make her see that she could be in the same room with her younger sister with nothing bad happening. And that would hopefully lead to those two finally talking all of their issues out sometime soon.

It had not gone according to plan at all. Her daughters had barely spoken to each other and Sara had excused herself as soon as she felt appropriate. Telling them that she was tired and needed to lie down. There was no arguing with that. So, they let her go without any discussion. 

Dinah was still hoping that Laurel and Sara would eventually sit down and clear the air. It was long overdue and would solve a lot of their current issues.

She was ripped from her thoughts when she turned around to pick some of the ingredients from the table and saw Oliver standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Oliver. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Dinah and Quentin really did that to themselves and took all five kids on a month-long road trip, you can't prove that that didn't happen so it did. I'l fight you on it. LMAO. The thought of Quentin being stuck with Oliver and Tommy for a month is just very amusing to me, so it just had to happen. 
> 
> I might actually at some point write snippets from that trip down. You'll find them in my story 'Tonight, we are young maybe we could find new ways to fall apart' should I get around to it. This is where you'll find any pre-Gambit stuff I'll write. Just to let you know. In case anyone's interested. 
> 
> Oh and to anyone wondering or worrying, Sara and the baby are okay, the little Hummingbird is just moving around a lot and Sara's starting to actually feel it.  
>   
> FYI: There is a big possibility that there'll be a time jump either next chapter or very soon...  
> 
> 
> Chapter title is from the songs 'Hollow' and 'Venom' from Icon for Hire.


	24. Once you feel it you can't unfeel it, once you dream it you can't undream it wake up, wake up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ollie, the baby, I think… the baby’s coming.” She looked at him with enormous eyes and he could feel his heart drop into his stomach. He shook Laurel’s hand off of his arm and rushed to his wife’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I just like to let you guys know about a decision I made. I decided to cherry pick season 5 and sort of chose which storylines and events I'll add to the story and which ones I dismiss. Also timeline wise, the events might happen sooner or later than they originally did on the show.
> 
> Like I've mentioned in my answers to some of the comments my stories are usually character driven, so the events from Arrow season 5 that I plan to incorporate into the story need to be at points that make sense for the characters current journeys which might be a completely different point in time than they were originally on the show.  
>    
> 
> 
> I did something here... please don't hate me! *hides behind the desk*

Oliver

Oliver looked at Sara with a smile on his face. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have her in his life. He then turned to the backseat of the car and looked at his son. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe this was happening. A part of him had already known that it would, at least subconsciously, but now that the day was almost here it was hard for him to believe. Two days, the wedding was in two days. This was crazy. When had that happened and where had the time gone? He was so happy that Samantha had agreed to let them take William with them. It was an important event, and he wanted his son to be there.

“Are you guys ready?” He looked at the two most important people in his life expectantly in short succession.

“Yeah, dad, we’re kind of waiting for you. You’re the one who spaced.” He saw Sara’s smirk and the proud look on her face given his son’s sassy reply.

“Pretty much what he said, I do sort of need your help to get out of the car.” His Pretty Bird playfully rolled her eyes at him and put one of her hands pointedly on her heavily pregnant stomach. Oliver smirked at her before getting out of the car and moving around it to help the mother-to-be out of it, while William was snickering in the backseat getting out himself.

“My lady.” Oliver offered her his hand playfully to which she just rolled her eyes again, dragging the hand further in the car and moving it to her opposite side so that he could help her off of the car seat and out of the car. A very well practiced move by now.

“You are such an idiot. I really don’t understand why the wedding couldn’t have been in like another two or three months. I swear this is not my idea of fun. I will walk out of there if the chairs aren’t pregnancy friendly and I don’t care that I’m essential for the wedding. I’m supposed to give birth to your daughter in less than a month. This should be against the law.” Oliver couldn’t help but laugh at his Bird’s complaining. It was something she had been doing for weeks now, which was why Oliver knew that everyone made sure that the wedding was as pregnancy friendly as it could possibly be. No one wanted Sara to be uncomfortable after all.

“I know, babe, I told them that, I’m sure your pregnancy was taken into consideration while planning the wedding. Besides, I told them on several occasions to make sure that you will be comfortable unless they wanted you to leave in the middle of it. And believe me, no one wants that type of attention. I was once again reminded that the last thing the Queen name needed was yet another scandal.” Oliver was still highly amused about that conversation. He still didn’t really see the apparent scandal that he and Sara had provided once again. Oh, well. People believed what they wanted to and interpreted things however they saw fit. The truth hardly mattered to most of them. He guessed his and Sara’s combined presence would always provoke some whispers and judging looks. Which was the reason why they usually avoided big events like this one. Even though he could really care less and thankfully so could Sara.

“Are we going inside now or what?” his son asked impatiently once Oliver had closed the passenger side door and pulled Sara into his side, holding on to her hip with his hand. The blonde leaned into him and put her hand in the back pocket of his jeans in a familiar move.

“Sure, go ahead, no one’s stopping you buddy.” Oliver ruffled his hair playfully and waved him ahead, laughing when William tried to fix his hair on the way to the door. Maybe Sara was right and William had inherited his impatience.

“Yeah, let’s get going, your daughter is once again using my bladder as a soccer ball.” Sara followed William, and he fell in step beside her. His son had already rung the doorbell and was pulled into a bone-crushing hug by his aunt, by the time the two of them had reached the entrance.

“Ollie! It’s so good to see you! I missed you bro!” Thea practically jumped into his arms and Oliver was glad that Sara had anticipated the familiar move and stepped aside to give them some space.

“I missed you too, Speedy.” He hugged his baby sister back, just as tightly. He had missed her too. He ruffled her hair playfully after letting her go, laughing at her indignation.

Thea rolled her eyes at him before turning towards the other woman.

“Sara! Oh my god! Look at you! You look amazing! And look at your stomach! I can’t believe that you’re almost ready to have the baby. I feel like you guys only just told us about the pregnancy.” Both he and Sara had to laugh at Thea’s excited ramblings, while she threw her arms around the blonde, as well as she could given Sara’s protruding stomach. Sara returning it in kind.

“Yeah, I know it’s crazy how fast it progressed. But I swear I’m not too mad to get my body back. Speaking of sharing my body, my bladder is being used as a soccer ball, so I’d appreciate it if we could move this whole thing inside and postpone it until after I got to go to the bathroom, I really don’t feel like peeing myself again.” Sara explained and winked at his sister, who had to laugh at that.

“Oh, of course! C’mon in, you know where to go.” Thea stepped aside to let Sara passed before turning towards him.

“Again? She peed herself?” His little sister looked at both of them in amused expectation, while he and his son were snickering, remembering that event highly amused.

“Yeah, baby bird kicked her hard enough in the bladder last week that she ended up peeing herself.” Oliver explained to his baby sister laughing again remembering it.

“Yeah, it was so funny, we were on our way to go watch a movie. Everyone stared at her and Sara was just like ‘what? You never seen a pregnant woman pee herself before?’ and people started to look uncomfortable and turned away. But what was really awesome was when we went into the next store to get her some new clothes and the salespeople were all rude and dad just looked at them, took out his wallet and handed them his platinum American express card, you should’ve seen the look on their faces. They almost fell all over themselves once they realized who they just dissed. It was so funny!” William recounted the events to his aunt excitedly and Oliver had to chuckle about his antics and Thea’s reaction to it, who started to laugh along with them. Oliver was really glad about the fact that Sara had no shame, and events like this really didn’t matter to her. He could only imagine how most other women would’ve reacted in that situation. But not his Pretty Bird. She just stayed cool and rolled with it.

The three of them moved inside too, and it wasn’t long before Oliver was greeted by a familiar voice.

“Ollie! Man, it’s good to see you, it’s been too long! Where’s Birdy?” Tommy walked towards him and the two hugged for a moment. It had been too long since he’s seen his best friend.

“Bathroom, we’ve been on the road for a couple of hours.” He explained Sara’s current absence.

“Yeah, and we would’ve been here a lot sooner if Sar hadn’t made dad stop at every single gas station.” William piped up behind him before noticing who he was talking to.

“Uncle Tommy!” and running into the man’s arms.

“Junior! Man, look at you, you’ve grown so much!” Tommy hugged his godson before fist bumping him. 

“Yeah, mom says if I keep it up I’ll be as tall as dad one day.” His son recounted Samantha’s words proudly.

“I’m sure you will be.” Tommy agreed.

The four chatted some more, catching each other up on some of the latest events in their lives.

“Man, I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad again. It’s crazy!” Tommy looked at him and shook his head in disbelieve.

“Yeah, it is but you know, Sara’s always wanted kids and it seems to be the right moment.” He smiled at his best friend, he could understand where Tommy was coming from, he was at a completely different stage in life than he and Sara were. It had taken Tommy a long time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, and he was still working towards that.

“Speaking off, here comes the Wifey.” His best friend looked passed him and grinned, winking at him for a moment.

“Merlyn, still a pain in my ass, I see. Some things never change.” Sara easily slipped into their usual banter, you’d never know that they had barely seen each other in the last couple of months. Tommy had been very busy at work and so had he and Sara, plus buying their new house and getting everything ready for the baby.

He watched his best friend and wife hug with a smile on his face. God, he had missed this. All they needed now was Laurel, and everything was the way it was supposed to be and always had been.

“Look at you, Birdy, you’re huge! Ow!” Tommy barely finished before Sara hit him on the arm, hard. William and Thea started to laugh, and he joined in.

“Watch your tongue! I’ve got an excuse, what’s yours? You seem to have gained some pounds too.” Sara glared at their friend playfully. Enjoying everyone’s company just as much as he was.

It was a shame that they didn’t get around to come to Star City more often. But staying in the same city as his son had always been important to him, so moving to Central City had been a simple choice for him. It had also given him some much-needed distance between his mother and Laurel. His mother because he couldn’t bear looking at her after he had found out that she had told Samantha to tell him she had lost their baby and gave her a check for a million dollars in exchange. He still couldn’t believe she had done that. It had been pure chance that he had found out about the lie. He didn’t know what he would’ve done, what his life would be like if he and Sara hadn’t snuck away to Central City for a weekend and run into a heavily pregnant Samantha. It had been a shock for both him and Sara and Samantha too. But the two of them had sat down and talked about it, thanks to Sara, and had come to an agreement. Said agreement had led to a tremendous fight, first with his mother and then with Laurel once she found out about the baby.

That had been the moment Oliver had decided to take control of his life and move to Central City to be there for Samantha and their baby. What he hadn’t expected had been Laurel showing up at his doorstep a couple of weeks later, to apologize and talk about their future and how to handle their new long distance relationship. It wasn’t hard to see that that had not happened. Given the fact that he had been expecting take out and had been wrapped around a scarcely clad Sara, only wearing a pair of boxer shorts himself, when he had answered the door.

The following argument had been ugly. Really ugly. And had led to one hell of a scandal.

It had taken nearly two years for him and his mom to reconcile, and another three for Laurel to talk to him and Sara again. The fact that the two of them had gotten married on Sara’s 21st birthday in Vegas had not helped the situation at all. But the three of them were mostly okay now.

“Oliver!” He turned around at his dad’s voice and saw his parents walk towards them.

“It’s good to see you, son!” He hugged his father once he had arrived in the den and turned towards his mom, when his dad shifted his attention to William and Sara.

“Dad, hey! It’s good to see you too. Hi, mom!” He returned his mother’s embrace just as tightly as she was holding him.

“Sara, love, look at you! I can’t wait to meet my new grandchild!” His dad smiled at his wife, giving her a fatherly hug.

“Hi Robert, yeah, I can’t wait to get her out of my body too.” She was joking in return.

“And if it isn’t my favorite grandson!” His father had loved being a granddad from the moment he first met William, and William adored his grandfather in return.

“Grandpa!” The two of them hugged and started to talk among themselves right away.

“Sara, dear, you look great.” His mom smiled at her daughter-in-law stiffly, and Sara returned it in kind.

“Thank you, Moira, so do you.” The two of them had always had their differences, but Sara had never forgiven her for her actions when it came to William, and Moira had never approved of his choice of wife. Sara was not the type of woman that he was supposed to be with, and his mother blamed her for his choice to move away and distance himself from his family and the family business. Both his parents tried to convince him to take over QC every single time they saw him, and it was exhausting. It was another thing that pissed his wife off to no end.

It wasn’t long before the three of them decided to go up to their rooms to rest a little after the long car ride and freshen up before the evening.

He, Tommy and his dad were taking Roy out for drinks, to sort of officially welcome him to the family before the wedding. William was going to stay back with his stepmom, they were planning to hang out with Thea and watch some movies, and his sister had mentioned that Laurel might come by after court too.

It wasn’t until later, when they were at the bar, that Oliver started to feel strange, as if something was wrong. He wasn’t sure what had brought on the feeling so he excused himself and called Sara, to make sure that she and their baby bird were fine. Maybe he was just on edge because he knew rationally that the baby could come at any moment now. Even if the calculated delivery date wasn’t for another three weeks. He talked to his wife for a couple of minutes, told his son goodnight and went back inside, still feeling strange and uneasy. He walked towards his table and the three men sitting there making fun of him and how whipped he was. That was when it happened. He looked at Tommy and for a moment he saw him lying in rubble, a building falling apart around him while a piece of rebar was sticking out of his chest. Oliver took a step back in shock and turned away from his best friend and looked at his father when the scene suddenly shifted again and he saw his father sitting on a life raft, holding a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. Oliver staggered back in fear. What… what was going on? What was happening? This wasn’t right… something was wrong here.

“I have to, I need to… I’m sorry.” He turned around and pretty much ran out of the bar. He bent over and desperately pulled in the fresh air once he was outside, trying to calm his racing heart. What was that? What the hell had just happened? He needed to get away from here. He needed to… he needed Sara, he needed to go home and see Sara. He was sure everything would be okay and make sense once he was with his wife. The world always made more sense with his Pretty Bird by his side.

Oliver turned down an alley on the way to the main street to get a taxi to go home when suddenly a man appeared in front of him, pointing a gun at his face and demanding he hand over his wallet.

Oliver was just about to do just that when suddenly a man dressed in green appeared out of nowhere and took the thug out.

“Who are you?” He wanted to know something wasn’t right here, something didn’t feel right.

“It doesn’t matter who I am, all that matters is what I do. Go home.” The man disappeared as fast as he had shown up, and Oliver had no choice but to do as he was told. He walked all the way to the main street as he had originally planned and got into a taxi that took him back to his childhood home.

He got out of it and entered the house, still shaken up about everything that had happened that night. He went into his old room and the sight that greeted him made him smile and calmed him down a little. Sara and William were asleep on the bed. He went to the bathroom and changed before climbing into bed and pulling his family into his arms. Holding them close.

This was it.

This was what his life was supposed to be.

This felt right. For the first time in hours Oliver felt calm, at peace and as if everything was right in the world.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oliver we have to go!” Laurel looked at him with urgency. So did his sister and Ray who was holding on to Digg who was bent over, trying to stop the bleeding from his stomach wound. Oliver knew that they were right. He knew that they needed to leave, that John’s life depended on it. He knew that this wasn’t real, even Thea had admitted it eventually, but still there was a part of him that wanted to stay.

This was everything he ever wanted. This was the life he wished for, late at night, when Sara was asleep… a life that was simpler.

That had Sara in it as a constant. His home, his touchstone and William, William was a part of his life, had been from the moment he was born.

Oliver closed his eyes and reminded himself that they needed to leave, that John needed to get medical attention. He was just about to leave with them when he heard a voice, a voice that made him stop in his track and turn around immediately.

“Ollie? What… what’s going on?” Sara was standing in the entrance of his parent’s house, one of her hands on her stomach and the other one on his son’s shoulder.

“Dad, where are you going?” The look on William’s face mirrored Sara’s. Confusion, hurt, disbelieve.

“I…” What was he supposed to say, what could he say? He started to walk towards them when Laurel’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“Oliver, we have to go. This isn’t real.” He knew she was right, but how could he walk away from Sara when she looked at him with those gorgeous eyes, reflecting so much hurt in them.

“Laurel, what’s going on? Where are you going?” Sara tried to get answers from her sister since her husband seemed incapable to give them to her.

“Sara, I’m sorry. But we really need to go, now. Everything will be okay. Just go back inside, Ollie will be with you in the morning. I promise.” Oliver recognized what Laurel was doing, how she was trying to get her sister to move out of his sight so he would leave with them.

“Ollie!” Thea’s voice was urgent, ripped him from his thoughts and made him turn towards her. He could see that Digg was fading. They really needed to leave. He moved towards them, Laurel’s hand still on his arm, almost dragging him, when he heard Sara scream in pain. He whirled around and saw her hold on to her pregnant stomach, bending over in pain.

“Ollie, the baby, I think… the baby’s coming.” She looked at him with enormous eyes and he could feel his heart drop into his stomach. He shook Laurel’s hand off of his arm and rushed to his wife’s side.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I always got you.” He brushed her hair back with one hand and put his other hand on her stomach.

“Oliver, we have to go. This is just a trick, they’re trying to keep us here with whatever means necessary. This isn’t Sara, this isn’t your Sara, and this isn’t your baby. Sara, our Sara is at home, not yet far enough along to give birth. Oliver! We need to leave so you can get home to our Sara. So, that you will be with her when she gives birth to your child.” Laurel’s voice was urgent and firm, yet gentle and understanding.

“Ollie, this isn’t right, you know that. Why do you think you’ve called it baby bird? I have never once heard you refer to yours and Sara’s baby as baby bird. This isn’t your child, this isn’t your little Hummingbird.” His little sister suddenly took part in the conversation again.

She was right. This wasn’t his Pretty Bird, and the baby, their baby bird, that wasn’t right, she wasn’t his baby bird. Baby bird wasn’t right. Hummingbird. She wasn’t his little Hummingbird. His Sara and their little Hummingbird were at their apartment in Star City. He needed to get home to them. He had promised her he would be there. That he would always be there for her. That he wasn’t going to let her do this alone. He had promised her, before he had left for Central City, he would come back home to her. No matter what. 

Oliver looked at Sara again for a moment. He bent down and kissed her softly.

“I love you. I will always love you. My life is so much better because you are a part of it.” He kissed her forehead before turning to his son.

“I wish I would’ve gotten the chance to be the father you deserve, I wish I could have been a part of your life from the beginning. I love you son, more than you will ever know.” He pulled him into a tight hug, breathing him in before turning around and jogging to John and Ray, pulling John’s other arm over his shoulder and walking away. Refusing to turn around, even when he heard Sara cry, and desperately calling out to him in what sounded like agony and his son calling for him, crying.

This isn’t real. This isn’t real, this isn’t real… he kept on repeating the words in his mind like a mantra. This was torture. He could feel his breathing become more shallow as his heart was speeding up. He couldn’t… there was suddenly a hand on his arm, rubbing it soothingly.

“It’s not real, Ollie. We can call Sara as soon as we get out of here, okay? She’s okay, Sara and the baby are okay and so is William. This is just a figment of our imagination.” Thea was softly speaking to him, reminding him of what was real and what wasn’t. She kept it up the whole time until they reached the portal. He hung back for a moment after everyone else had stepped through.

He turned around and saw his parents, Tommy and Roy standing there smiling at him proudly.

When he suddenly heard voices in his head.

 _"You're never without me, my beautiful boy. There's nothing else to say except I could not be more proud of you. Become someone else. Become something else."_ His mother's words made him recall their last conversation before she had been killed, before he was pulled from his thoughts by someone else.

 _"You honor the dead by fighting, and you are not done fighting!”_ Felicity's voice reminded him of a simple truth. He wasn't done fighting. The Green Arrow was a part of who he was, just like Sara had been telling him.

 _"I know I called you a murderer, but you are not. You are a hero."_ Tommy's voice hurt. God, he missed his best friend so much. He should be here, so he could take his rightful place as his child's godfather. The way it had always meant to be.

 _"You saved my life. You gave me purpose. This time, we had to save you."_ Oliver was sure that he could never repay Roy for everything he had done for him. Everything he was still doing for him. His loyalty was unshakable even now, and Oliver wondered not for the first time how he deserved it. 

_"I know who you are in your bones, Oliver, and that person doesn't give up!"_ Laurel, his Laurel always willing to do whatever it took to pull him from whatever edge he was standing on, trying to get him to be more than he was. Making sure that he kept going no matter what. 

_"This is your responsibility now."_ His dad was right. Star City was his responsibility, and he had gravely neglected it in the last couple of years. But no more. He was going back to his roots to ensure that his daughter would grow up in a safer city than the one it was now. 

He turned around a little more and saw Sara, his beautiful Sara, standing there with their little Hummingbird in her left arm, while her right one was thrown over his son’s shoulder, both of them smiling at him encouragingly.

 _“Together?”_ He smiled back at her when he heard her words.

 _“Together.”_ He replied before turning around and stepping through the portal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess you guys probably figured out that we're sort of in the middle of 'Invasion' right now. 
> 
> Oliver's life is very different to the one in the show so I figured his ideal reality would be very different too. So I took some liberties and left parts of it out, the ones I didn't find that important to this story. Most things stayed the same, they were still attacked the same way that they were in the episode, Thea was reluctant to leave at first, Laurel was there instead of Sara, obviously her pregnant ass is nowhere near CC and Oliver never actually found the bunker, but Dig came still looking for him after their encounter, and Ray was also still there, even though he only gets mentioned on the side. Sorry, he will appear again. I promise.
> 
> And people have been asking for happy Sara and Oliver...so, what if I cheated a little? Lmao!
> 
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Ah, totally forgot... chapter titel is from the songs 'Counting on Hearts' by Icon for Hire and 'Wake Up' by NF.  
> It's not my fault that a lot of their songs have a very Canarrow feel to me, lol.


	25. I get it, give me a little credit it takes more than I have, pick fights with the past, I always lose, don't you know? That's no way to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What's that?“ Oliver asked while he watched Kara defend herself against the teams’ attack and wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer to this. 
> 
> “That would be heat vision.” Barry confirmed his suspicions on both what it was and that yes, he really did not want to know this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I don't know much about the Flash so I'm kind of not going into too much stuff there.  
> So, Legends is a bit tricky, take Sara away and the whole Team dynamic falls apart. I spent ages wondering who I could put on the Waverider in her stead that makes sense and could lead them in a similar fashion as she does. Just assume everything has happened more or less the same as on the show. I do not have the time or patience to rewrite all of Legends lol, plus it has little to no effect on the story. I hope you like and agree with my choice.
> 
> Btw: I never thought there'd actually be a moment I'd ever be grateful about the fact that Sara always gets sidelined during the crossovers... but I really am now lmao!  
> Makes it easier for me to rewrite the episode without her in it.
> 
> I think this is the longest chapter I've written so far...

Oliver

Clarity was a funny thing.

He reached complete clarity when it came to his life, standing in the S.T.A.R. Labs hangar in his leathers, Sara wrapped around him, their unborn daughter in-between their bodies, as close as she could possibly be to both of her parents, in front of everyone.

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He and Sara were having Laurel and Thea over for lunch. They had decided to get together with their sisters on a more regular basis to rebuild the relationships, well mostly Sara and Laurel’s but still, it was nice to reconnect with Speedy. And Laurel, too.

It had actually been one of Dinah’s suggestions before she had left for Central City two weeks ago. She had brought up the fact that there were a lot of old, unaddressed issues between the two of them and Laurel, and that maybe it was about time to address and talk about them.

She was not wrong.

But it was something Sara had told him she wanted to do first, so that Laurel would get her version of events before she would get his. Sara was convinced that Laurel would end up less angry at him if she talked to her first.

He wasn’t so sure about that, but he respected her wishes and was more than willing to wait to have that particular conversation with Laurel.

Sara had yet to bring it up with her sister, though.

They both thought easing into it might be the best approach and spending some time together and reconnecting a little beforehand might be a good idea. This is how their weekly lunches with just their sisters and a weekly dinner with Laurel and Thea and Quentin came to be.

He and Sara had also been talking a lot about Dinah’s second suggestion that talking to a psychiatrist might be something that could help them. She had brought that up more or less right before she had left for Central City and told them to take their time and think about it. That they could let her know if they decided to give it a try and she would put them in contact with her friend Sharon Finkel, who she thought would be a good fit for them.

Not that talking about their feelings and pasts came naturally to either of them, which was why they would insist on going together or not at all. There was no way of knowing what reactions that sharing their demons with a stranger might bring. This way at least they could calm each other down if need be. 

They finally concluded that it was worth a shot, and they'd be heading to Central City semi regularly anyway for Sara's checkups with Caitlin.

It was while the four of them were trying to work out a schedule for next weeks’ get together when they were interrupted by Barry, flashing in with Digg and Felicity.

“Barry. What’s going on?” Oliver, just like Laurel and Thea had jumped up from his seat ready to attack and protect Sara from whoever had entered their place uninvited, not that she would’ve needed it from the looks of it and the way she was holding her knife. Not that her reaction surprised him or he considered her helpless. 

Barry was occupied apologizing to Digg, who had rushed onto their balcony and was currently retching over the railing. Some things never seemed to change. He noticed that Felicity looked a little pale too.

“Hey.” The speedster looked apologetic and a little sheepish while addressing the three women in the room.

“Barry is there something we can do for you? Do you need help with another speedster or something?” Laurel jumped right in to figure out what brought their friend here, in such a hurry.

“Maybe but that’s not why I’m here.” He confessed.

“What was so urgent that had you rush to Star City?” Felicity partook in the conversation, looking more like her usual self.

“Aliens.” Oliver was pretty sure that he must have heard wrong, so he turned towards Sara, looking at her with a confused and begging expression. She looked at him apologetically and just shrugged her shoulders, which was all he needed as confirmation that he had not heard wrong. She seemed slightly intrigued by the implications, which of course she would be. His Bird was such a nerd sometimes… she hid it well, but… he rolled his eyes at her and her scientific curiosity.

“Aliens?” Thea repeated the word. She seemed to want to make sure too that she had indeed heard right.

“Aliens.” Barry confirmed just as Digg came back into the room.

The former Green Arrow was only partially paying attention to their conversation, turning halfway back to Sara, studying her while she was intently listening to everything that was said. Trying to grasp her thoughts and feelings on the matter. This was why it took him a moment to realize that everyone was looking at him expectantly.

“What?” The last thing he had taken note of was Digg leaving because he was surprised his wife, who was the head of A.R.G.U.S was aware of the fact that aliens had landed on their planet. There were moments when he really didn’t understand his friend. And questioned whether he was aware of the position Lyla held at work. The only person she had to answer to was one position below the President. Of course she would know.

“We can count you in, right?” Thea repeated what he assumed was the original question and why everyone was staring at him.

“I’m retired.” He could see on the looks on everyone’s faces that this was not the answer they had expected, or that they wanted. But he still wasn’t sure whether he should pick up his bow and arrows again or not. Besides, he wasn’t just going to leave Sara alone while aliens were attacking. There was no way he would… there was no way.

“But Ollie, it’s… it’s aliens.” Thea looked at him incredulously. A look that Laurel and Barry shared.

“Oliver, if the earth is being attacked by aliens we could really use your help.” Laurel was looking at him expectantly and demandingly. Did she realize that she was asking for him to leave her pregnant sister unprotected and alone?

“You can’t just sit this one out, Ollie. You’re the Green Arrow, we need you.” Thea stood next to Laurel, sharing her facial expression and having her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Didn’t they understand what they were asking of him? Putting the hood back on, going out there fighting, risking his life?

“Timeout people!” Sara had gotten up from her chair and was walking towards them, sounding very authoritative and it worked, everyone shut up and turned towards the approaching blonde.

“Ollie, can I talk to you for a second? Alone?” The look on her face changed from strict to soft the moment she turned towards and addressed him, holding her hand out for him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You should go. This sounds big and they could use all the help they can get, Ollie. They need the Green Arrow.” Those were not the words he had expected to leave her mouth the moment they were alone in his room.

Oliver was looking at Sara, not sure if he had heard her right. She had to be joking, right? Did she seriously expect him to leave her alone after what had happened two weeks ago?

“Forget it. I’m not leaving you alone. Not after what happened last time. The only way that I might agree to go to Central City and help everyone out is, if I know for sure that you won’t be here alone. And even then, even then, I’m not sure that putting on the Green Arrow’s suit is something I want to do.” There was no way that he would go to another city to fight freaking aliens and leave her here all by herself, unprotected. If he was in Central City helping everyone out, then who would be here and make sure that nothing would happen to Sara and their daughter should they get attacked?

“Look I meant to call Sin and ask her to hang out for a while now. How about I do that? Would you at least consider helping them out and joining them in Central City if Sin agrees to stay with me until you get back home?” Sara’s voice was calm, collected, but determined.

He just looked at her for a moment, contemplating her suggestion.

If Sin agreed, Sara wouldn’t be alone. Sin could call him if Sara would need him. Sara did feel comfortable around Sin and had been in contact with the young woman regularly during all the months the two of them had been traveling together, and even before that. Just like she had never lost contact with her when she went back to Nanda Parbat after the Siege.

She had been talking about having her over for a while.

It made sense, but still… he didn’t like the thought of leaving her alone, being hundreds of miles away from her while the planet was being invaded by aliens… what if she got attacked? He’d have to talk to Sin to tell her what she should do in case of an emergency or if Star City was no longer safe and he couldn’t come to help or get them. He had to make sure that Sin would have Nyssa’s number and know to contact the other woman and do exactly as she tells her to in order to ensure their safety. There was no one he trusted more with Sara’s life than Nyssa. He knew how much his Pretty Bird meant to the assassin, and he knew that there was nothing Nyssa wouldn’t be willing to do to ensure Sara’s safety. And there was no higher skilled fighter than Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter.

All of this made sense, and it was a solid plan on Sara’s end, as usual, but still there was one problem.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to put his leathers back on.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to be the Green Arrow again.

So, he looked at Sara desperately, hoping she could provide him with the answer he needed, an answer he was desperately seeking, had been ever since they got home but one he just couldn’t find.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh, that is so cute. You guys are just gonna get together and go fight some aliens? Have you lost your minds? They’re aliens, and there’s only four of you. Well, five since Oliver suddenly seems to have lost his mind too!” Felicity was not amused by their idea and his agreement to put his suit back on and help them out. She did have a point. He turned towards Sara again, looking at her questioningly, wanting to know if she was really sure about this. She just gave him her patented half smile and nod.

“Not if we get Stein and, you know, all the others.” Barry tried to help and ease Felicity’s worry.

“They’re calling themselves ‘the Legends’.” He helped out with a slight grin about the name. A time ship might give them some leverage against spaceships, maybe, and more fighting power given the additional fighters.

He ignored his little sister’s comment of the name being egotistical but catchy, knowing who the idea came from and how they ended up with the name. And focused on Barry’s question. He didn’t know where they were at the moment, but he was pretty sure he knew who did. He turned towards Sara in question.

“I know where they were.” She confirmed his thoughts. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver was confused when Barry and Cisco returned with a young blonde woman in tow.

“Barry, I thought you were bringing an alien?” He questioned the speedster and was surprised by Barry’s answer. Kara Danvers, Supergirl did not look like an alien at all. Not that he wasn’t aware how deceiving looks could be. Sara could kick his ass any day of the week and no one would assume that she was capable of that just by looking at her. But still, he had not expected a bubbly ray of sunshine when Barry told them he would get them an alien of their own. He hoped her looks were as deceiving as Sara’s otherwise they’d be screwed.

He let the introductions take place and waited a little longer while people started to mingle and talk before he lost his patience and tried to get everyone to focus on the issue. They were here to fight aliens and save the planet, not to socialize. He wanted to get this all over with and return home.

Hearing Kara talk about the Dominators and how they had invaded her planet was giving him another piece of the puzzle that was the recent addition to their teams and helpful information concerning their enemies. Using her as a stand in would give them a chance to experience what they were going to be up against, well, sort of anyway.

“Since when was Robin Hood calling the shots?” Of course. This was why he preferred working alone, or with Sara. There was always someone who questioned every plan that was brought to the table. It didn’t surprise him it was Mick Rory this time. And he had to admit, both Mick and Jax had a point. Choosing a leader was important. You needed one person who called the shots in group situations.

And he had no intention of being that person. He still wasn’t sure he really wanted to be here to begin with, which was not the place from which a leader should come.

“I appreciate that, Cisco, but Barry put us all together, it should be him.” It was a valuable reason and gave him a good excuse to not end up having to be the one calling the shots. There were enough hard choices he had and would still have to make in his personal life. This was not a situation where he felt the need to unnecessarily add some more of those. He nodded at Barry encouragingly after the younger man’s grateful look.

“Cool, all right, well, I guess as team leader, first thing to do, is… um… is start out by, um…” Only to watch him stumble and fall. Barry had no clue what he was supposed to do. Even after all these years, all the tips and training he’s given him the speedster still wasn’t good at coming up with a solid plan instead of just rushing into a situation, maybe it was time for him to shoot him again… just as a reminder that planning and preparation was more important than speed.

“Doing a test run.” He sort of whispered to help Barry out.

“Let’s do a test run, yeah. Let’s do a test run. Um…” Oliver rolled his eyes at the other man. He had just told them what they should do a couple of minutes ago. That had been what had led to Barry being chosen as their team leader.

“Against Supergirl.” He reminded him in a whisper.

“Against Supergirl. All right? Test run against Supergirl.” the younger man repeated his words and then put a question into what should have been a statement and order. Thankfully saving himself by putting more authority in his voice at the end.

But of course, they couldn’t have left it at that and given Barry a sort of win at the beginning of his leadership.

“So, we’re all just going to be pretending that Barry’s in charge while Oliver’s backseat leading?” He could see Thea’s amused grin and Laurel trying hard not to crack up, Oliver threw a glare at the Legend’s newly elected leader, hoping it would shut his former protégé up.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was on his way to suit up when Barry stopped him and Kara. Explaining to them how excited he was for the two of them to meet. And to Kara, how he had been the first person to train him. The blonde let him know that she thought he had done a good job. 

“It’s because I didn’t hold back. I shot him. You can’t hold back either.” Oliver found it important that Kara understood exactly what her job was during the test run. They could chat later, once the threat was dealt with.

Talking to Kara made him realize that he was pretty much dealing with a female version of Barry.

Why did he suddenly have the feeling that this was going to turn into a disaster?

He had to admit, watching her fly had been rather impressive, but it didn’t mean much against the Dominators, not if she was like Barry, relying too much on her powers yet lacking tactical skills. Hopefully she had understood how important it was that she not hold back so that everyone would go into battle knowing how hard it was going to be. He left to get changed and make a quick call to Sara to make sure everything was still fine and to see if Sin had arrived yet.

The thought brought back part of a conversation between Quentin and Dinah that he had overheard, about how he and Sara seemed to be very codependent. He pushed it aside and decided it was something that could be analyzed during their therapy sessions, if it was an issue, which was not how he saw it. Besides, what man wouldn’t check up on his pregnant best friend during an alien invasion?

The thought made him stop in his tracks for a moment. When had those things become normal? Sometimes he wished life could be simpler again, like it was before Lian Yu.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He should have trusted his first instinct and just stepped away when Professor Stein and Jax wanted to talk to Barry.

He should’ve just stepped away.

Or even better, he should have stayed home. He should just have stayed home with Sara.

Aliens, time travel and now a message from future Barry to warn them about a different timeline and telling them how their Barry was not to be trusted. And part of Roy’s team seriously wanting to tell everyone about it now, while it seemed they had not yet told their own team leader.

Learning that Barry had gone back in time and changed everyone’s lives was a lot. Too much to focus on right now.

Why the hell did they think it would be a good idea to tell everyone that their lives had been changed and that Barry, their chosen team leader, could not be trusted? Right before going into battle against an alien invasion.

Yet, they hadn’t even told Roy about the message yet. He was their captain; they had chosen him as their captain, why would they not trust him with information like this yet tell everyone, including Roy about it at the worst possible moment in time?

They should at least show Roy the courtesy of telling him before everyone else. He made a mental note to talk to Roy about this once they’ve taken care of the alien problem, to make sure that everything was fine with him and his team. He would hate to see him fail, Roy had come such a long way and having his team choose him meant so much to the young man, even if he would never actually admit it. It was good seeing him like this. The Legends were good for him. But he and Sara had already come to that conclusion three months ago, when Nate Heywood had sought them out to get help to find Rip Hunter’s missing team.

“You made a mistake, Barry. It’s part of the job, but we can’t deal with it today.” He turned away from them and stepped outside, removing himself from the conversation and the newfound information that needed to be pushed aside for the time being.

Part of him wished Sara was here. She was a lot better when it came to situations like this one and how to proceed. She was a lot more rational than he was and had a better understanding of humans than he in general. She’d know what the right way to proceed would be. But he was pretty certain that she would agree with him on this. Right now, was not the time to come clean and tell everyone that their lives had been altered. It was definitely not the time for Digg to learn that he had had a nephew that had been erased.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What's that?“ Oliver asked while he watched Kara defend herself against the teams’ attack and wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer to this. 

“That would be heat vision.” Barry confirmed his suspicions on both what it was and that yes, he really did not want to know this. 

Oliver couldn’t fucking believe it. Fighting aliens was one thing. Barry actually bringing an alien ally from another earth was something else entirely. Besides, he wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to the idea of there being more than one earth and the fact that Cisco and Barry could just travel from one to the next as if they were going on vacation. But an alien with freaking heat vision? Why did these things always happen to him? Sara probably wasn’t going to believe him when he told her this, and she was most definitely going to make fun of him and those crazy situations he always ended up in. 

He looked at everyone lying on the floor after they had gone up against Supergirl. It had taken very little effort on Kara’s side to wipe the floor with their teammates. Well, it only confirmed to him it was a good thing they were doing a test run.

“She really is a badass.” Thea told Laurel, and Roy got up and walked towards him.

“It’s kinda hot, I’m sure your bird would agree.” The younger man said grinning once he was next to him and winked at the last part.

“She most definitely would.” Oliver confirmed, gifting Roy with a grin of his own.

He gave them a moment to catch their breaths and get back up before telling them to go again and joining them this time.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want me to keep going?” That was an excellent question of Kara’s. She was strong, really strong and powerful. But they had yet to get close enough to her to actually do some harm of their own. They weren’t ready, not yet.

“Yes, yeah, just give us five minutes, please.” They needed to catch their breaths and maybe drink some water.

“Tell us what?” Oliver could hear Laurel ask Barry. He turned around and saw Cisco with the recording in his hand. No, just no. Damnit! Why would they be so careless with something so dangerous?

All he could do was watch the situation spiral out of hand while Barry was being pushed in a corner, but he refused to step in until it became absolutely necessary. Barry needed to handle this on his own, to keep and get the respect he needed to lead this team. Respect his friend wouldn’t just not get but lose if he stepped in now.

What he did was tell John about his nephew.

“I had a nephew, Barry?” Digg’s reaction was understandable.

“Yeah, your brother had a son, Andy Jr., AJ.” Barry confirmed.

“So, let me… let me get that straight. You just erased a nephew from my life?” Oliver knew how much Andy had meant to John, and he could only imagine how much he must have loved his nephew in the original timeline. Learning that there had been a part of his brother that was still in this world, that a piece of Andy had been living on in a son that no longer existed must be hell. Oliver couldn’t even fathom how his friend must be feeling right now. He was reminded of William for a moment but pushed any thought of his son away for the time being. Those thoughts had no place here.

He could also understand the Legends anger and disbelieve, especially when Roy pointed out how hard it was for him not to go back in time and stop Malcolm from using Thea to kill Sara… and how he wasn’t changing events in the past so he wouldn’t have publicly died in order to save Oliver and it would be possible for him to come back home.

Oliver wasn’t sure whether it was a blessing or a curse when Felicity interrupted the argument to let them know that the aliens had abducted the president. And Lyla needed their help.

Once Barry was insisting everyone should go without him, he couldn’t stay quiet any longer. This was ridiculous.

“Guys, this is… Hey! This is crazy! Everyone is going, including Barry. I… I’m not going without him.” Aliens abducted the president, aliens threatened the whole world, and they were acting like a bunch of five-year-olds. This was not the time to deal with this, and this was not the way to deal with it. He hoped him refusing to go without Barry, would lead to everyone coming to their senses.

“Then you’ll be here, Oliver.” Digg’s words shattered his hopes, and the looks he got from both Thea and Laurel confirmed that they were on Digg’s side.

“You know what Oliver, it’s okay. I will go with them, we’ll get the President, and you stay here with Barry.” He appreciated how Kara tried to restore some peace and find a solution that would work for everyone while being focused on the task at hand. Getting back the President.

Still, he wished Sara were here. He always felt more secure in the field with his Canary by his side, or knowing that she would help keep their team safe. He would feel so much better if she were going with everyone, making sure they’d be safe. Or as safe as they could be out in the field. He knew she could take care of herself and he didn’t have to worry about her, he always did but not because he had any doubts about her abilities and handling herself in battle but simply because she was his Pretty Bird and he always worried about her.

Had pretty much from the moment they’ve met.

At least Roy was with them. He knew Roy would do whatever it would take to keep Thea and Laurel safe, but he was also a hothead who let his emotions get the best of him. Oliver really hoped that would not be the case this time and that he would keep a level head.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver could easily admit that he knew almost nothing about time travel. Even after several conversations with Roy in the last couple of months. Sara was the one who was fascinated by the concept and could spend hours talking to their friend about it.

“You need to stop beating yourself up over this.” So, it was hard for him to understand what Barry was talking about. Not the concept, change something in the past and it affects the future that was just life. Every decision you make affects the future. That was a fact that could not be changed and his friend needed to realize that. They wouldn’t be able to face the current threat to their home if he didn’t get past this and focused on what was important right now, and that was the Dominators. They couldn’t afford to be stuck on a mistake that was made and could not be fixed or changed. The world depended on all of them moving on from this.

“I’m sorry, but how can you say that? I’m responsible for all of this.” Well, it looked like it took more than this to get Barry to move past this and realize that there was nothing he could do to change what had happened. He made a choice and now he needed to live with the consequences as harsh as it may sound, but that was just the way it was. Actions had consequences, and it was their responsibility to handle those.

“Well, maybe, maybe not. Barry, you made a choice. You wanted to see your parents alive again. Do you honestly know anyone, that if they were in your shoes, wouldn’t do the exact same thing? I would do the exact same thing. Barry, after the Gambit went down, it was me, my father and a crew member on a life raft, lost at sea. Enough food and water for one person, maybe. My father took a gun, shot the crew member, told me to survive, and then turned the gun on himself. He shot himself in the head. He sacrificed himself so that I could live. Nothing I could do, no choice. Slade Wilson drove a sword right through my mother’s heart in front of my sister and I. And I was there. I was helpless on the ground, I was powerless to stop it. No choice. Do you not think that I wouldn’t give anything to go back and to make things different?” Oliver hoped that this confession, him opening up to Barry, sharing those very traumatic events with him might actually get his friend to understand that he was only human. And he acted the way most humans would. It was a natural desire to save those they love.

“You never told me that.” The speedster looked at him, stunned.

“Barry, the world isn’t different because you changed the timeline. Change happens, tragedy happens. People make choices, and those choices affect everyone else. I chose to ask Sara to come on the Gambit with me. That choice affected everyone in our lives in ways neither of us could’ve ever even imagined. You’re not a God, Barry.” Oliver needed to make sure he got his point across and that Barry would finally put this issue aside and let them focus on the one at hand. The one that mattered right now. The pending alien invasion. He never got the chance to find out because the next thing they registered was an explosion and Cisco summoning them through the intercom.

And they could see why on the monitor in front of them. S.T.A.R. Labs was being attacked by no other but their team members. Oh, this was just perfect.

They wasted no time getting out there.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver couldn’t believe this and wondered not for the first time in the last couple of hours or the last two years why he kept on letting Barry drag him into situations like this one. He cursed himself and Barry. He could be at home, curled up in bed with both Sara’s instead of running from his own team and allies that appeared to be brainwashed by Aliens. If only he hadn’t fucking agreed to put on his leathers and help them out.

Why did he decide that this was a good idea?

Why the hell had he listened to Sara? 

_“Maybe you should put the suit back on, Ollie. Even if it only is for you to come to the conclusion that you are done being the Green Arrow, but I think you owe it to yourself to go out in the field, possibly for one last time. Just to be sure that this is what you really want. That retiring the suit is what you really want. Besides, it sounds like the whole world is in danger. You really want to put the fate of our entire planet in Barry Allen’s hands? I mean, I can pretty much only go by what you’ve been telling me about Team Flash, but you know… it sounds like they could really use your help. I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. Dad agreed to come over and stay with me until Sin arrives. And Sin and I will be fine. I promise to call if anything should happen and Barry would be able to get you home in no time. I really think you need to do this, Ollie.”_

She had made sense, everything Sara had said had made a lot of sense at that moment, maybe it had been the way she had said it, or the way she had looked at him and played with his hand, while her feet had been lying in his lap, her head leaning on his shoulder and his other hand had softly been stroking her stomach. That had been the biggest argument for him to go to Central City. Their daughter. 

"Oh, wow! You really did it this time, Barry.” He couldn’t believe that they were hiding from their own team, because they were being attacked by their own team.

“Seriously?” Barry sounded incredulous and looked at him slightly offended.

“Yeah, yeah. Yeah, seriously! You come to Star City, you ask for my help, and then, inevitably, immediately, we end up up the creek!” Why? Why did he always end up in situations like this whenever he agreed to help the speedster out with a problem?

“Yeah, okay. That's fair. They're moving in.” Barry finally admitted.

“On three, Team Leader.” Guess it was time to try and immobilize their own team in order to find out what was going on. It was always a tactical disadvantage if you were going for the capture while your opponent was going for the kill.

“Three.” But better to be in the offensive than staying in the defensive.

“Okay.” And they moved in as one to counterattack.

He cursed again and reminded himself of Sara and their little Hummingbird and why he was doing this. For them. To keep them safe. Making sure that she would not end up being born into a world that was overrun by aliens. To make sure they were safe and would not end up living in a world that was taken over by fucking aliens, for crying out loud. It was in moments like these that he missed the simplicity that had been Lian Yu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know a lot of characters got seriously sidelined. It was really, really difficult for me to figure out how exactly I wanted to rewrite Invasion and I ended up deciding to do Oliver's POV, for now, there might be a chapter with others too, the whole rewrite thing is all over the place and there are a lot of different snippets I have that I somehow need to find a way to connect, lol. 
> 
> Please let me know, how this chapter was for you to read. This is the first time I've ever tried an actual episode rewrite and I have to admit I'm not sure about the end result... 
> 
> So, my HC for this story is that Sara and Roy ran into each other when Sara first left Star after her resurrection and they stayed in contact and met up every once in a while. Roy talked to both Sara and Oliver, who by then had joined Sara in her travels, before joining the Legends. Nate had sought out both Oliver and Sara in order to get them to help him find the scattered Legends, so both of them had helped him get all the Legends back... we will get into this at some point I think. That part is an unexpected twist that showed up out of nowhere... I swear sometimes I don't know what I'm writing and where that stuff is coming from. 
> 
> Roy's loyalty towards Oliver extends to Sara. He and Sara had spent a lot of time together before she went back to the League and like I said they've had regular contact after her resurrection and do even now.
> 
> Yes, Baby Sara is here to stay... and currently staying with Sara and Sin in case that wasn't clear. She's the other one of the two Saras Oliver thought about.
> 
> Yeah, I think that's all that you need to know for now... otherwise if I missed something just let me know and I'll explain.
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Sorry about your parents" by Icon for Hire.


	26. I can't keep living this way starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage, I'mma face my demons 'cause my baby knows that her daddy's a soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarity was a funny thing.
> 
> He reached complete clarity when it came to his life, standing in the S.T.A.R. Labs hangar in his leathers, Sara wrapped around him, their unborn daughter in-between their bodies, as close as she could possibly be to both of her parents, in front of everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's no New Team Arrow in my story, since Thea and Laurel are still in the field and Oliver was the only one who had left the team. There were way to many people in the field in the later seasons of Arrow in my opinion.
> 
> Plus there was really no reason for NTA to be in the crossover, they didn't do anything the rest of the teams in CC couldn't have managed.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the third part of my version of Invasion...

Oliver

He turned around a little more and saw Sara, his beautiful Sara, standing there with their little Hummingbird in her left arm, while her right one was thrown over his son’s shoulder, both of them smiling at him encouragingly.

 _“Together?”_ He smiled back at her when he heard her words.

 _“Together.”_ He replied before turning around and stepping through the portal.

The next thing he knew, he woke up in what appeared to be a pod of some kind with wires attached to his head. The first thing he did was remove those to ensure that he would not be put back into whatever trance the Dominators had put them in. He got out of the pod and looked around, seeing his team do the same.

“Where are we?” That was an excellent question, and he was afraid he knew the answer to that. A spaceship. They were on a fucking spaceship. He took in and analyzed their surroundings, hoping to find a way out and off of the alien aircraft. This was when he noticed Digg holding his side.

“You all right?”

“It may not be real, but it still hurts like a son of a bitch.” He didn’t like the sound of that. John should be fine. If it had simply been a shared hallucination or however you’d want to call it, it shouldn’t have any physical after effects on them. His friend should not be feeling a wound that had never actually been inflicted. They needed to get home as fast as possible to get to the source of the problem. Roy might be able to help with that.

The only problem was, they were up in space. Very far up in space. So far up in space they couldn’t even see the earth from where they were. As Ray had so nicely pointed out to them. So, now they not only needed to find a way off the spaceship, they needed to find a way off the spaceship that could get them back to earth. 

Why couldn’t things ever be simple? 

Why couldn’t getting home ever be easy?

“Okay, so how do we find our way out of an alien spacecraft?” Of course Speedy had to voice his thoughts and expect an actual answer and solution to their current problem.

“This way. Even though it’s an alien technology, certain principles of design are universal.” Ray took charge and explained to Thea and Laurel. Oliver was grateful for the tech genius’ presence, having him around would probably be very helpful, not to forget the fact that Ray has been a part of the Legends for a while now and was much more accustomed to spaceships or time-ships than the rest of them.

The only problem with that was that they were suddenly walking into a group of Dominators. Fuck! He looked around and noticed the weapon on the wall; he hoped Ray was right about universal principles of design, while pointing it towards the aliens and firing. Making sure they could retreat and get a head-start on their capturers. They ran back in the direction they had come from and took a turn until they reached a room filled with what looked like smaller spaceships.

“You think you can fly one of these things?” Digg sounded understandably doubtful.

“I’m hoping that between you, me and Ray, someone can fly one of these things.” He admitted. What other choice did they have then try? He wasn’t going to stay here, wasn’t going to be stuck here until the aliens decided to kill them. He was not going to die on an alien spacecraft up in space. He promised Sara that he would come home to her, that he would not let her go through the pregnancy and especially the birth alone. And he was determined to keep that promise. There had been too many promises between them that had ended up being broken, mostly for reasons that had been out of their control. He would not let that happen again, not this time. Not when it came to their little Hummingbird. 

This needed to work.

They walked further into the room and boarded one of the weird-looking spacecrafts. Just for them to be completely stumped as to how to get it to fly. Until Speedy decided to just start touching things. He really needed to go over the dangers of that tactic with her again. It worked this time, and he was grateful for it, but still, it was a reckless approach and could put her in unnecessary danger.

It didn’t take long until they got attacked by the Dominators and he wasn’t sure how they were going to get out of that situation; they needed to figure out how to steer this thing. They would be dead in no time if they didn’t. He couldn’t die here. He had too much to live for to die here, like this. 

He could suddenly feel a jerk right before they started to move. This was good… he hoped. At least they were no longer being hit and moving. Their spacecraft was pulled into what appeared to be another aircraft of some sorts, and the doors opened. He stepped outside just to see the Cargo-bay of the Waverider. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

He owed Roy another one.

“Where are we?” Laurel looked around curiously before turning towards him.

“The Waverider. Roy must have found us.” He explained before turning towards the door that led inside the time-ship.

“Oliver, nice clothes. Shop at alien Gap?” Nate could be grateful that he owed him for saving them.

“Not funny.” He still looked at him sternly to let him know how he felt about the joke. Knowing very well that Sara would’ve found it hilarious, probably even more so because of the stern look on his face.

Nate told them about the fabrication room and introduce himself to both Thea and Laurel. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes because of the other man’s flirting. Now was so not the time. But… he should talk to Roy and Sara after… maybe… no, he should just stay out of everyone’s personal lives, just like he appreciates everyone staying out of his.

“How did you find us?” He changed the subject to something that was more relevant.

“Well, with the help of our nerd army. Roy let us know what had happened, so he, Jax, Gideon, Felicity, Cisco and I put our heads together and figured out where you were.” Nate explained to them.

“Sorry it took us so long. How bout I take Digg to the Med-bay and have Gideon fix him up?” Oliver, just like the rest of his team, turned towards the familiar voice. Roy was walking towards them, being stopped by Thea rushing into his arms, thanking him for saving them.

“Whoever Gideon is.” Digg agreed and followed their former team member once he had released Speedy from his hug.

They proceeded to the Bridge, where Ray started to share his observations. He did not like where Ray’s thoughts were going. It made sense, everything the other man said made sense, but that did not ease his worry at all. The opposite, actually. Why would they want to know intel about the Meta-humans?

“We are nearing completion of the weapon.” Gideon translated the words Ray had heard the Dominators say.

They were looking for intel about meta-humans. They were creating a weapon. And they were on a direct course for Earth. Why did he have the sudden feeling that they were fucked! They needed to get back to Central City, and he was pretty sure they needed to hit the ground running. Time was running out to stop whatever the Dominators were planning. They just needed to make one stop on the way. Thea needed to go home. Everything that had happened to them, everything they had experienced in their shared hallucination had really affected her and he worried that her emotions would impede her performance in the field. He would not risk her making a mistake because she was emotionally raw. Besides, they could drop her off at his and Sara’s place, so she could help keep Sara and baby Sara safe, should they fail or things not go according to plan.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barry’s team really needed to learn that there were wrong moments and there were right moments, mostly wrong ones though, to want information about events and things that played no significant part in the overall issue. Cisco especially. He did not have the patience to deal with him right now. They had dropped Thea off in Star City, with little to no objection on her side, thankfully. He would’ve preferred to leave Laurel, too. He knew that seeing Tommy had thrown her and was something that she was struggling with, but he knew better than to try and bring it up. He had neither the time nor the energy to partake in the argument that would arise if he brought her staying back up. So, they dropped Speedy of taking as little time as possible, which meant that he had gone against every fiber of his being and had not gone home to see Sara. He had wanted to, more than anything. Making sure that she was fine. Reassuring himself that she was still here, and to ensure himself of what was real. He really needed to see her after the fantasy life that the Dominators had forced him into, that had seemed so very real. But he knew that him going home would’ve led to a lot of questions from Sara, which he did not have the time to answer right now. And he wasn’t sure whether he would’ve been able to walk away from her again, knowing that it might be to his death.

He forced himself to put his thoughts about Sara and his feelings aside to focus on the matter at hand.

Kara was right, Metas posed the biggest threat to the Dominators invasion, so getting intel on them would make sense. It was what he would do. Kidnapping one of them to get their own intel was only fair. 

Good thing they had a historian on their team who knew how to find them. He watched the exchange and couldn’t believe it when Cisco and Barry once again behaved like children. Ray stepped in and suggested he help Professor Stein and Caitlin with the creation of a possible way to take down the aliens while Cisco joined Nate on the Waverider. Oliver had to shake his head in amusement about Felicity’s antics and shared a grin with Roy. Of course she would be excited by the concept of time travel and wanting to be a part of it. Nate, Cisco and Felicity left to get the Dominator, while Digg left to check in with Lyla and Barry and Kara turned to him, Laurel and Roy.

“And the new President called, which would be cool under different circumstances. But she wants to meet with us.” Barry shared with them.

“Let’s bring Roy and Laurel as backup.” He suggested, but really it was a statement. There was no way he and Barry would go alone, and there was no one present that he trusted more than Laurel and Roy. So, bringing them was a no-brainer. What he needed right now, after everything that had happened in the last twenty-four-hours, was the familiarity and security the people he knew provided him with. The Dominator’s violation of his mind had thrown him more than he cared to admit he knew that it would end up being something that he would be dealing with for a long time but now was not the time for that. He needed to stay focused on saving their planet and to do that, he needed to be surrounded by reminders of his actual life. 

“What about me? I can be backup.” Kara insisted, looking a little taken aback to be left behind with nothing to do. He was once again reminded why he rather worked alone or with his Canary. They understood each other without words, and there was no need to explain most decisions. She’d get it.

“Let me talk to you for a second.” He really didn’t feel like doing this right now, but it was apparent by the look on Kara and everyone else’s faces that he had to do this right now. So, he stepped away from everyone to get some privacy for what he was about to say.

“I would like to minimize your involvement in this.” He came right out. He had learnt that the direct approach was the best in most situations.

“Why? Because I’m an alien? I also happen to be your biggest weapon.” Kara looked and sounded offended.

“You are an unknown quantity and this is not personal.” He tried to make her understand why he chose people that he had known and fought with for years.

“Except that’s exactly how this feels.” Right, he was dealing with a female version of Barry. 

“Kara, when I started living this life, it was just me. I was going up against human threats. That I could handle. Then it was meta-humans, and I can handle that, with the help of my team, a team Roy used to be, and Laurel has been a part of for years. Now I learn that there are multiple Earths, and I was brainwashed aboard an alien spacecraft—” He went on to explain where he was coming from, just like he would do with Barry.

“I’m sure that was unnerving.” The young woman looked at him in understanding.

“I don’t get unnerved. But when I go up against something new, I push back. Right or wrong, it is who I am, and it is what I do. So, I am asking for a little bit of space because I have to draw the line somewhere. I need to claw back a sense of normalcy. Please stay here.” He hoped she could understand his reasoning, but he didn’t have the time to get further into it and didn’t feel like baring himself to a stranger.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Something didn’t feel right. Why would the President be late? She asked them to meet them here. Like Laurel pointed out, she must have a lot on her plate, which meant they probably planned her schedule down to the very last minute, so why would she shift things around to meet with them just to be late?

He had a bad feeling.

And the longer they waited, the worse it got.

He turned his head slightly so he could catch Roy’s eye. The Legends’ leader looked as uneasy as he felt. This was not good, which was why he couldn’t believe that Barry chose this moment to ask him about his conversation with Kara. What was it with Team Flash and horrible timing for personal conversations?

Thankfully, Roy pointing out movement put an end to that. The arrival of several government issued vehicles saved him from answering the question. But they also intensified the negative feeling he’s had when they circled around and trapped them and an old man got out of the car.

Fuck!

The President wasn’t going to come. It had been a bait, and they had walked right into the trap. He only hoped that they were here to talk and find a solution to the problem and that they wanted to collaborate to face the common threat.

Not that he actually believed that.

He had too many negative encounters with governments to believe anything but the worst. The raising of guns and the answer to Laurel’s question was all he needed to have his suspicions confirmed.

Fuck!

Why couldn’t just one thing work out the way they had planned or it was supposed to? He should’ve taken the time to see Sara when they dropped Thea off.

“Barry, I think it’s time we do something. And fast.” He whispered. He wasn’t going to die here. He couldn’t die here. He had a promise to keep. 

Barry took care of the guns and the snippers they hadn’t noticed before. They should’ve swept the place, why the hell hadn’t they swept the place before? He pushed the thought aside in order to concentrate on the ensuing fight.

Learning the reason why the Earth was being attacked, and how at least one arm of the government agreed with the Dominators reasons, was useful information, but also very troubling. Not only not having the government backing them but actively trying to destroy them would make this entire mission even more difficult. The intel that their mystery man was providing them with was crucial, Oliver realized when he told them why the Dominators had come back.

“You did, Mr. Allen. You threatened the entire universe when you used your powers to upset the normal course of time.” Seriously? Oliver couldn’t believe it. It seemed that everything was leading back to Barry’s thoughtless actions.

“How would you even know about Flashpoint?” Laurel looked at the old man confused, and Oliver could understand why he shouldn’t know about that. He turned towards Roy, wondering if maybe he knew about the government having a branch that specialized in actual time travel, the course of time and changes in the timeline, as far as he knew Roy and his team were the only ones keeping the timeline intact. They received the answer before Roy could jump into the conversation, when their ‘friend’ let them know that the Dominators had told them about it.

Barry tried to reason and promised it wouldn’t happen again, but their ‘friend’ wasn’t fazed by it and told them about the deal he had negotiated with the aliens. Barry in exchange for peace. That wasn’t even an option. There was no way they would even consider going along with that plan. He would not let Barry get sacrificed for a mistake.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Oliver had tried to reason with Barry and make him see that sacrificing himself would do nothing. There was no way that the Dominators would just turn around and leave simply because they got one meta-human. It was a view Sara had shared. More than that, she had been the one who questioned the sincerity behind that deal. Why would they be satisfied with only one if they had a weapon that could erase all of them? It made no sense. And he had to agree. She was right.

He had called her to talk to her about the recent developments in the war. Just to keep her updated and to get her thoughts on the matter, she was the smarter and more rational one out of the two of them, plus she could probably give him some tips what to tell Barry to convince him to not take the deal. And he liked to bounce off ideas of her. She had an unique way of looking at situations that always led to improvement of his plans.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to convince Barry to not sacrifice himself. He hoped he and the rest of their team would have a better result talking to their team leader as a united front. It didn’t appear to work.

“Barry. I’m not letting you leave.” There was more than one way of dealing with a situation. If reasoning didn’t work…

“No offense, Oliver, but you and what army?” Yep, he was definitely going to shoot him again, once they’ve dealt with the alien invasion. Barry was way too cocky and once again relied too much on his speed.

“This one.” Came the reply from the one person in their mists that was fast and strong enough to stop Barry without the use of a weapon.

Surprising enough, it was Mick who actually drove the point home to Barry and got him to see reason. And finally Cisco and Barry seemed to get past their issues. Just as Roy and Jax returned with more bad news and the start of the actual battle. They talked battle strategy, Roy and Cisco already on their way to the Waverider to stop the meta-bomb. They had left the moment they realized what the Dominators were planning.

Oliver gave himself a brief moment, a moment when he stepped back from everyone and removed two pictures from his suit’s inside pocket. He looked at both of them. One of Sara, his Sara, smiling softly while gazing at the scenery that had presented itself to her, from the top of the cliff they had been resting on after their climb up, during their travels. She had looked so peaceful and relaxed that he hadn’t been able to stop himself from capturing that moment with his cellphone’s camera. He had taken the photo two days before they had found out that she was pregnant. He lifted the photo up and softly kissed it before focusing on the other one, the one of their little Hummingbird. He let his finger trace her familiar shape before kissing it softly too. He stored both photos securely in the inside pocket of his suit, right above his heart again, and pushed the thoughts of his two girls from his mind to focus on the battle ahead. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

“Ollie!”

Oliver turned around at the sound of his name and the next thing he knew he had two arms full of Sara. She had rushed to him and jumped into his arms the moment she was within reach. Her legs wrapping around his hips while her arms were tightly enfolding his neck and her face was being shoved into his neck. All of this happened before he could comprehend what was going on and question what she was doing in Central City. His arms had gone around her automatically to support her actions and to help her balance and stabilize herself. Once he was sure that she was settled he moved one of his hands to the back of her head while the other one was in the middle of her back, holding her close, breathing her in. The proof of their little Hummingbird’s existence was being pushed into his chest by the strength of Sara’s embrace. He kissed her head, let his hands wander across her body to ensure himself that she was really here, that this was real.

That home was safely enclosed in his arms.

“It’s okay, Pretty Bird, I’m okay.” He whispered into her hair when he noticed her tears on his skin.

“Thea told me about the abduction… You can’t leave me, Ollie. I can’t do this without you.” His neck muffled Sara’s words, but he had no trouble making out every single one of them and they broke his heart. He lifted her body a little higher and pulled her even closer.

“I won’t, you won’t have to do this alone. I promise. ‘Not without you’ and ‘together’, remember?” He could feel her lift her head from his shoulder by the end of his promise and his use of those familiar words both spoken by her, at different points in their lives, as a statement of her devotion, loyalty and commitment. The meaning had not changed in the years that had followed those words, and it never would, not where they were concerned. He would always come for her, just like she would always come for him. Willing to do whatever, whatever it would take to keep each other alive.

She shifted in his arms so she could look him straight in the eyes.

“Together.” She repeated with conviction, looking at him with such intensity that he nearly buckled over and wound up completely entrapped within her blue-eyed stare.

Fuck!

He felt like she was looking right through him, stripping him off all his layers until she reached his very core and saw right into his heart and soul. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this vulnerable or like he was being stripped completely bare in front of anyone.

For a moment he recalled the life, the fantasy the dominators had imprisoned him with. A simpler life, a gift and a curse... a life he had wished for countless times, but now being in this moment with his Sara, feeling the proof of their daughter's existence he knew with a certainty he never had before that this was right, this was where he was supposed to, who he was supposed to be and that he wouldn't change it, not for anything in the world. He would never give up his Sara for anything, not even another, less haunted and scarred version of herself.

Things had never been clearer to him than in this very moment.

He was the Green Arrow.

He needed to be the Green Arrow, to be the man Sara, and the father their daughter deserved. To make sure that their little Hummingbird would grow up in a city that was not infested by cancer and ruled by the corrupt.

Their little Hummingbird.

Their daughter.

Someone he had come so very close to never meet.

Someone he was desperate to meet. To hold, to get to know and to watch grow up. Just to see what parts she had inherited from the amazing woman her mother was. He couldn't wait to see if he was right and his little Hummingbird really was a smaller version of his Pretty Bird. And whether she had some traits that were clearly inherited from him.

And most importantly everything that was purely and simply hers and hers alone, all the characteristics and traits that would make her unique.

He couldn't give her up.

He wouldn't give her up.

Nothing in his life had ever been clearer than the knowledge he had right now. The knowledge that he was going to be a part of his daughter’s life, that he would be there every step of the way. He would be by her side in the good times and especially the bad.

If there was one thing the Dominators reality had shown him it was how desperately he wished, he had been a part of William's life from the beginning. How much the knowledge about all the things, all the steps he had missed and never really getting the chance to get to know him tore him apart. There was nothing he could do about that. He had never been given a choice in the matter, not really, not until it had been too late, too late to keep William safe from the life he lived. Too late to make sure all the safety precautions had been put in place. He had assumed William would be safe because no one was supposed to know about his existence; he had been a fool. So, when he had been given a choice, the only thing he could do in the situation he had found himself in was to give him up. There hadn’t really been any other choice.

But he had a choice now.

And his choice was his daughter, to be the father she deserves or at least try to be for the rest of his life. To keep her close, to keep her safe, just like John had told him to do with William.

“Sara…” her name left his lips like a statement, a prayer even though his voice was chocked from his emotions. He moved his hand from her shoulder to the back of her head, softly pushing it towards his until he could capture her lips with his in a searing, desperate kiss. Trying to convey to her just how much she meant to him. It was the only thing he could think of doing to escape her soul-baring stare.

"I love you." The words escaped him the second they parted to catch their breaths and before he realized what he was saying. Not that it mattered, he had never been surer of that fact than right now. It had been the truth for years, a truth he had never before shared with her, at least not in words. He should have told her, he should have told her years ago. Never telling her he loved her had been one of his biggest regrets after she had died. Believing that she had died never knowing just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her had been hell.

"I know, I've known since Lian Yu." He looked at her surprised by that. He definitely hadn't known then. Looking back now he realized that she was right, but during that time almost a decade ago he hadn’t known that what he was feeling for her was love. That he loved her, unwaveringly, unfalteringly, desperately and unconditionally. There had been absolutely nothing he hadn't been willing to do for her. He would've died for her, he killed for her, he had given up his chance to go home to save her. He should've realized that he loved her then. That he loved her desperately and undeniably. It had hurt more every single time he lost her. Until that last time, that last time that had mirrored the first so eerily. Both times she had been scared and pointed out the danger they were in. Trying to prevent what was about to happen. Both times he hadn't listened to her. Simply not taking her fears seriously the first time and too proud to admit his failure and defeat the second time. Just to pay the ultimate prize, losing her. Sometimes he felt all he ever did was lose Sara. 

He could vividly recall those first few days and weeks in Hongkong, how he had tried to get an answer from Amanda as to what had happened to Sara, if they had saved her too. But she wouldn't answer him, just ignoring his questions, his pleading for her to go back and look for her. That they needed to save her, needed to make sure she was safe, that she was alright. It hadn't been until he had promised her to do whatever she wanted him to and stop trying to escape if they would go back to Lian Yu to look for his Tweety Bird that Amanda had even acknowledged Sara's existence. Telling him she would send a team to go look for his friend. Only for her to come back days later to tell him that there had been no sign of Sara anywhere. It hadn’t been until Sara had come back into his life and Lyla had taken a more prominent role in their team and at A.R.G.U.S. that Oliver had learnt that Amanda had lied. No one had ever gone back to Lian Yu to look for her. Yet, Amanda had learnt of Sara’s survival a year after she had fished him out of the waters of the North China Sea. Never bothering to share her findings with him.

"You've always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions." Sara just smiled at him in understanding. One of her hands had moved from his neck to his cheek, now softly stroking it, moving her head forward so she could rest her forehead against his. Giving his nose a quick kiss.

Oliver was suddenly reminded that they were not alone by the snippets of whispered conversations that reached him, and he became very aware that everyone was watching their unintendedly public show of affection. He hoisted Sara up a little, moved his hands to support her and turned towards the door to move them away from everyone and give them the privacy neither of them had ever intended to forego.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver decided since Sara was in Central City, thanks to Roy that she was going to be on that stage with everyone, that she was finally going to get the recognition she deserves and get honored with the rest of them.

He didn't care how they were going to do it, or how they were going to conceal Sara's pregnancy, or that theoretically she had not fought the Dominators, Sara was going to be there and get honored by the president like everyone else. Because she deserved it, she deserved to finally be publicly recognized for everything she had done as the Canary. Every life she had saved, every woman she had provided justice for the crimes or intended crimes against them. For the hope she gave the overlooked and underappreciated women in the bad parts of the cities by seeing them, recognizing the danger, the pain and the blindness society was bestowing towards them.

Sara had ensured with her actions that the police could no longer turn a blind eye towards the prostitution and human trafficking rings, that the police could no longer pretend not to see or hear the violence and danger that the women faced within the city they called their home. How walking alone outside after dark in the Glades had turned into a dangerous and potentially fatal endeavor for women. Sara had not stood for that. She had even pointed out an issue to him he had not been aware of, not the way he should have been. He had known about the prostitution and human trafficking rings, yet he had not been aware of the danger women had been in every evening when they left their homes. He would forever feel guilty for not realizing it before Sara had come back home and pointed it out to him and his team with her actions.

He should've been aware of it.

Even if his Pretty Bird had pointed out to him it was an issue, he had no personal experience with, something that he, as a six feet something tall, muscular man was never confronted with. A thought that would never cross his mind because the thought of forcing any woman to do something against her will was so far beyond his comprehension that it was not difficult to understand why he hadn't seen it. But even so, he should’ve seen it. Even if Sara had tried to absolve him of this particular sin of his.

Thanks to Roy and his actions the common belief was that the Arrow and the Green Arrow were two separate beings yet, the public believed that the Canary and the Black Canary were one and the same. It was way pastime for them to learn that they were not interchangeable. They are two different women with very different reasons and approaches to doing what they do. Sara had never been recognized for hers as the Canary, and Laurel had been praised for some of her sister's actions and her very unique approach to justice.

Sara came from a place of understanding. She knew what those women were going through, had been subjected to it herself. She recognized the women and the issue and knew how to approach and what those women needed because she used to be one of them, a victim that rose above the hell she had been subjected to, who stood up for those who couldn’t, to make sure that they would never have to endure what she had.

It was something no one in this room was capable of doing because Sara was the only one who had experienced that particular pain.

Laurel had done a lot of good and an amazing job as the Black Canary, but she was not the Canary and people needed to know that. They needed to know that their protector, the woman in black that had shown up after the Undertaking and had helped people in the Glades out, the woman attacking attackers, was not the Black Canary.

And there would be no Black Canary if there hadn't been a Canary first. Just like there wouldn't be a Green Arrow if he hadn't been the Arrow first. 

Besides, he's had more than one phone conversation with her talking tactics and team issues and how to handle them. Which made her as much a part of the team as the rest of them as far as he was concerned.

“Oliver, hey. Where’s Sara?” Roy ripped him from his thoughts, walking towards him, looking around.

“She went to make sure Laurel’s all right. What…” He explained and looked at his former protégé, confused.

“Look man, sorry, I should’ve told you I was going to go get Thea and Sara. But you know I figured they should be here. You know how many times do we actually get recognition for what we do? Even less from the President. So, I figured Thea should be here. She was a part of this too. And Sara, well, I figured if anyone deserves to be recognized for what they’ve done to help and to get honored, it’d be her. She has done so much for Star City in general and especially the Glades and the women in it, yet she has never gotten any recognition or thanks for it, while everyone else has. And I know it’s not why she did it, why she does what she does, but still, she deserves to be honored for everything she has done. Plus, I think it’s about time the world was made aware of the fact that Black Canary is not Canary. That they are two different women. People need to know that the Canary is not interchangeable with Black Canary, that they are not one and the same. She at least deserves that. And I feel that she could really use an event like this to remind her of all the good she has, and I’m sure she will do in the future. And don’t worry about the public finding out about the pregnancy, Thea and I had an idea and you know, I’m the Captain of a time-travelling space ship with a fabrication room.” Roy didn’t let him finish his question before he started his explanation and the longer the young man talked the more touched he felt and his respect for his former student grew exponentially with every word that was spoken. The fact that he and Roy had thought along the same lines when it came to the Canary, made him miss having his friend around regularly even more. And Oliver had to grin when Roy teasingly brought up the fabrication room to lighten the mood.

“So, what have you and Thea come up with?” He questioned amusedly. If those two stuck their heads together he was sure the outcome would be rather interesting.

Oliver was not disappointed.

They put Sara in his old suit jacket, the one he had worn when she had first come home, thanks to the Waverider’s fabrication room they ensured that her pregnancy would not be detected and she was also provided with a pair of her black suit pants, but as Thea so lovingly called them “maternity edition, a must have for every pregnant vigilante”, that comment had made Sara laugh.

Iris ended up being the one writing the article about their honoring, mentioning in it that the Canary was wearing the Arrow aka Hood's suit jacket in order to honor her old partner, the man who had started it all and had been hunted by the police and criminals alike, ending in his murder, as a sign of recognition and thanks for everything he had done for Star City and essentially the world, because none of the heroes would be here if it hadn’t been for him.

Oliver stood next to Sara and smiled at her softly. This felt right, having her next to him in their suits again, felt right.

All of this had started with the two of them, after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I did it! I rewrote Invasion... there might be another part to it... from other people's POV but I'm not yet sure, so no promises... I was thinking maybe Kara or Roy and possibly some Team Flash and Sara... let me know if you would like for me to write those...
> 
> I know I still sidelined a lot of characters but again, I put the focus on Oliver because some of the events that happened to him played a huge part in his character development and getting him to where he needs to be going forward. 
> 
> Yes, I might be a little bitter about the way Sara had been treated as the Canary... or in general, she deserved so much more...
> 
> This is definitely the longest chapter I have ever written... 
> 
> Let me know what you thought or if you have any questions or I forgot something or you know just anything really...
> 
> Chapter title is from the songs "Not Afraid" and "Hailie's Song" by Eminem.


	27. You feel hopeless hoping things will turn around I can not face this alone I need you I can´t get by on my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of her feeling that she should be there. She should be there and help them. Knowing full well that if circumstances were different, she would be there with them, at the frontline, she would be there to have Ollie’s back, to keep their sisters alive, to help… something she couldn’t…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who gave me kudos! I really appreciate it and I’m sorry I tend to forget to mention it! It means a lot!
> 
> Okay, so the relationship between Roy and Sara is along the way of the one she’s had with Jax, and believe me it hurts me to not have the Sara/Jax friendship in here but Sara unfortunately doesn’t know him that well and probably won’t, because she’s in Star and not traveling through time. But she has spent a lot of time with Roy while she was in Star the first time and they sort of developed the same kind of bond that she has with Jax in Legends. But Roy and Jax are total bros! That’s my HC and that’s part of this story now. Roy should’ve been Jax 1.0. if you’d asked me.  
> Just like Roy walked in on Oliver and Sara in the Foundry on more than one occasion. It may or may not have been on purpose to mess with them… lmao!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this part.

Sara

"Are you sure about this, Sara?" Ollie looked at her concerned and doubtful. She understood where he was coming from and his feelings, but part of her was convinced that he needed to do this. He needed to put his suit on for, possibly, one last time and help everyone save the world. She couldn't say why, she just had this gut feeling that it was important, that it was something he had to do. She couldn't but he could, he had to.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Just... stay out of unnecessary trouble? And come back home to me... to us." Fear suddenly gripped her, an icy fist was squeezing her heart painfully. What if he wouldn't come back home? What if he died? How was she... how was she supposed to do this without him? She tried to push those feelings away, knowing that Ollie wouldn't leave their apartment. Not if he felt that she was scared at the prospect of having him leave and never come back. 

"Sara, hey, look at me Pretty Bird. I won't leave you. I promised you, you wouldn't have to do this alone. That I'd be right here, by your side, the whole time. I promise I won't let you go through this alone. I promise I'll come back home to you and our little Hummingbird." He sounded so sure and determined and she wanted to believe him, she forced herself to believe him at least until he had left, she'd let reality remind her that their track record told a different story once he was gone. That things rarely went the way they wanted them to. Life was never kind to them. Circumstances always tore them apart as soon as they had slipped into a routine after being pushed back together again. But she let herself believe him, for this moment in time she was willing to believe him. She placed her hand atop of his on her stomach, softly smiling at him.

"Okay." He returned her smile before bending down and kissing her, softly at first but soon it became more passionate, almost frantic, both of them knowing it might very well be their last kiss, ever. She held on to him desperately, trying hard to reign in her emotions, worried that he might change his mind if she couldn’t get a hold of her feelings and ended up breaking down then and there. They pulled apart to catch their breaths before Ollie leaned in again to give her another quick, soft kiss before dropping to his knees and placing both of his hands on her stomach, bending forward and tenderly kissing it too. She placed one of her hands on his shoulder, just to caress his neck and burry it in his hair. He stayed like this for a moment, his head bent, forehead touching her pregnant belly, his hands still on either side of it framing his head. Her hand that wasn’t stroking his hair was lying atop one of his. He gave her stomach another gentle kiss and then slowly got back up just to press a tender and lingering kiss on her forehead. He squeezed her hand before dropping it and turning around and striding out of their apartment right after, his back and shoulders held in a tense straight line and his head held high. 

She took a deep breath to try and calm down and convince herself that everything was going to be fine. Her hand had moved to her stomach on its own accord, tenderly stroking it in the place Ollie’s lips had been moments ago, while watching her home walk away. 

Praying that it wasn’t forever.

“How you holding up, baby?” Her father’s gentle voice brought her back to reality, and she forced herself to turn towards him and away from the direction Ollie had disappeared to. 

“… I… I’m… not sure.” She thought about lying to him for a moment, but she just couldn’t bring herself to, because she didn’t really want to. She didn’t want to pretend that she was okay, that she wasn’t worried sick about Ollie, and Laurel and Thea and Roy and everyone else, including the world in its entirety.

She walked past her dad into the living room and sat down on Ollie’s armchair, putting her legs under her and wrapping the blanked, that Ollie always kept thrown over the back of the chair in case she joined him and got cold, around herself, biting her lip. Her dad followed her and sat down on the coffee table in front of the armchair, leaving some space between them, but close enough to be easily reached if she wanted him to provide her with comfort. 

She took some time mulling his question over and trying to sort her thoughts and figure out how to put her feelings into words in order for him to understand her. 

“I… I know that Ollie needs to do this, that he needs to go to Central City and help everyone out. I can feel it in every fiber of my being, I don’t know why, I just know that it’s crucial for him to be there. I’m the one who convinced him to go. And yet, honestly, I’m terrified. I don’t know… I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him again… and I’m also worried about Laurel and Thea and there’s a part of me that feels like I should go with them too… that my choice to stay here, to not help them is selfish. But I can’t… I just can’t risk… the thought that something might happen to our baby is paralyzing. I don’t remember there ever being anything that scared me as much as the thought that some of my actions might bring harm to the baby.” She finally found the words to articulate her feelings and confessed her thoughts to her dad. 

“Welcome to parenthood, baby-girl.” He smiled at her softly in understanding, gently touching her knee. She bit her lip again and put one of her hands atop of his, in a show of gratitude. 

“Look, baby, I don’t know what the future holds, and I can’t tell you that everything will be okay and everyone will come back home. For one, I don’t like to lie to you, never have, and two we both know you wouldn’t believe me because you have experienced firsthand that life doesn’t always go the way we want it to and can be exceptionally cruel. But what I can tell you, and the scene I just witnessed confirms, is that there is nothing Oliver won’t do to come back home to you and the baby. And if there is one thing that I know about Oliver, it is that he’s one stubborn and tenacious man. And once he set his mind on something, there’s no changing it. And he just decided that he is going to come back home to you.” What her dad said made sense, and she appreciated his honesty, and Ollie was one stubborn and tough bastard that was true. She only hoped that he was right and it would once again be enough.

“And baby, you are doing the right thing. Staying back, staying safe. Anything else would be very irresponsible. I understand how you must be feeling, I know how I’ve felt after my heart attack, when I ended up sitting at my desk instead of being out there helping my brothers in blue. But there is no reason for you to unnecessarily endanger your baby and yourself. Even an alien invasion is not reason enough for that, not when there are meta-humans helping them fight the war. You and your child’s lives are more important.” His voice was compassionate and understanding, calm yet firm, and he was looking her straight in the eyes. 

“You’re right, daddy. I know you’re right. It’s just… it’s just really hard. I feel like I’m letting them down and abandoning them. I’m just scared that something might happen to them because I’m not there to watch their backs. To help keep everyone safe.” The guilt of letting her family face this tremendous danger alone was crushing.

“That’s understandable baby, but you being there would put them in a lot more danger than you being here does, where you’re safe. Oliver would be so focused on you and on keeping you safe that he would be very distracted and the same would be the case with your sister and Thea too. Having you in Central City with them would endanger them more than them being there without you and your help does.” Sara bit her lip again, trying to keep from crying. God, she had missed her dad so much. 

“I know. That’s another reason why I not only decided to stay out of the field, but to stay home altogether.” She agreed with him one hundred percent, but that didn’t make her choice any easier. 

*******************************************************************************

Sara was still shaking her head in disbelieve after hanging up her cell. Ollie had sounded seriously stressed out and close to losing his shit, which was understandable but wouldn’t really help in the current situation they seemed to be in. Part of the team seemed to squabble already, there was no need to add even more animosity to that. She was as irritated about Jax and Professor Stein not sharing their discovery with Roy as Ollie was and wondered what that was all about. They had chosen Roy as their Captain, so why wouldn’t they share this very important tidbit of information with him? It made no sense, and she really hoped Ollie could get to the bottom of it once they’ve dealt with the alien invasion.

What Ollie had told her was nuts! Well, very fascinating from a scientific approach, but also absolutely crazy!

Barry had an alien friend from another earth… that was just mind-blowing. Of course there were scientific researches on the probability of there being other earths or dimensions or parallel universes… but knowing for a fact as they did now? That was just… wow. She’d love to pick Kara’s mind and maybe get some more information on the whole multiple earths situation… and how exactly they traveled from one to another… but she totally got how this was pushing Ollie towards mental overload, which usually led to him needing a physical outlet and not having a lot of patience for anything especially things he considered not important when it came to the threat he was facing.

Like Barry messing up time. And again, this was just unbelievable. Well, not the whole changing time aspect. Well, a little, still, maybe. Even after talking to Roy about time and the way it actually worked and timelines and the concept of changing it and the consequences that came with it. Just like time travel. It was such a fascinating subject. But still hard to grasp that it was actually possible, even less the thought Barry could run fast enough to mess with the space-time-continuum. Or that he would actually be stupid enough to change the past. Hasn’t he ever watched a time travel movie? 

She could understand Ollie’s frustration with the situation and the issues it created. Issues that played no part in the coming war. They needed to focus on the aliens, not on what Barry had done, something that was done and couldn’t be changed no matter how much he wanted to, and the consequences of his actions.

She wasn’t sure that Ollie’s choice to put Barry in charge had been a smart one. And she felt that Ollie might already be regretting it, if his choice in words and the tone of his voice was any indication as to how he was feeling about everything. Which it usually was, and she was pretty good when it came to reading him. She understood why he chose to put Barry in charge. But still, it seems like it had been the wrong choice. And he would’ve been better off with Roy. 

She put her cell in the back pocket of her pants and left her bedroom to rejoin Sin and her dad in the living room. Sin had arrived a couple of hours ago and her dad had decided to stay a little longer and keep them company, which she was glad for. She had missed him and spending time with him.

*******************************************************************************

Sara looked at her cell phone when it buzzed, and the text she had received made her smile. Ollie was such an idiot sometimes. She made sure to send a quick text back, reminding him once again that shooting Barry might not be the best idea right now, that he should at least wait until the threat of the world being taken over by aliens was taken care of. 

“Loverboy again? What’d he write now?” Sin sounded amused, playfully rolling her eyes in exasperation. She rolled her own eyes at the newest nickname Sin had given Ollie, which made sense to be fair, Ollie had been texting or calling her quite regularly ever since he had left. She knew what he was doing and appreciated it.

It was one among many reasons she loved him.

He knew her; he understood her.

Ollie had realized how hard this was for her. Staying back, watching her family and friends risk their lives while she was staying behind, not even standing on the sidelines or waiting on the bench. No, she stayed all the way home.

She was struggling with her choice a lot. 

Part of her feeling that she should be there. She should be there and help them. Knowing full well that if circumstances were different, she would be there with them, at the frontline, she would be there to have Ollie’s back, to keep their sisters alive, to help… something she couldn’t…

No, that wasn’t even true, she could still fight or help them in another capacity like Felicity, Caitlin or Iris did and that made this even harder. Because it wasn’t that she was physically or mentally unable to help them. She just simply refused to subject her unborn child to any danger if she could help it.

She wasn’t going to risk her and Ollie’s baby. Ever.

So, staying back, staying safe was the only right decision, and she knew that. She stood by that. But that didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t make taking herself out of the game and keeping herself and her baby safe less of a moral struggle. She knew what they were facing was huge and terrible and they could use all the help they could get; she was, technically speaking, part of all that help, so part of her wondered if everyone besides Ollie, and Sin and Lyla who completely supported her decision, would look at her choice as selfish and egoistical. Would they blame her if they failed? Would any deaths be on her and her refusal to endanger her baby’s life?

Maybe.

But as cruel, cold and selfish as it sounded, she’d rather have the lives of, well, pretty much every person on the planet, on her conscience than her own child’s because of careless and reckless behavior on her part. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself, even less face Ollie ever again, if something were to happen to his child because she unnecessarily and thoughtlessly put herself in harm’s way. Keeping her baby safe was her number one priority, doing whatever she had to, whatever it would take to ensure that nothing would happen to it was the only thing that really mattered right now. Just like she and her dad had talked about and agreed on. And that meant making sure that she stayed out of danger and harm’s way. It was the only way to ensure that nothing was going to happen to their precious little Hummingbird.

So, Ollie keeping her in the loop, asking her opinion and wanting her input made her feel less inadequate and it gave her the feeling that she was helping them, in however small a capacity but at least she didn’t feel completely useless and that she was letting everyone down.

Well, Lyla calling her and asking if she would be willing to watch her and Digg’s daughter until all of this was over, did also help in that department. She had a purpose and a reason to stay in Star City now too, taking care of the little sweetheart and keeping her safe. It was important. It was an important task and a valuable job, Diggle and Lyla entrusted her with their daughter’s life. They trusted her with the most important thing in their lives. This was huge. It was a tremendous show of trust and faith in her. She wasn’t going to let them down. Nothing was going to happen to their precious little angel on her watch. 

Her tiny namesake was one of the cutest little kids she had ever had the pleasure of taking care of. She could easily see why Ollie was so smitten with the two-year-old. It had been years since she had last spent time with small children, and she only now realized how much she had missed it. How much she had missed the fun it was, and the feelings of happiness and joy children provided. Watching little Sara Diggle filled her with so much warmth, love and longing.

And it led to her finally admitting that yes, what she had been feeling for the last couple of weeks, even more prominently and obviously lately, were her baby’s movements.

Lyla’s daughter was also very fascinated by her pregnant stomach and the concept of a baby being inside. She had been absolutely delighted and very excited when Lyla had told her it was her Uncle Oliver’s baby too. Her absolutely adorable, eager and animated reaction had led to all three women laughing.

It made her wonder… what if… what if their baby would grow up with little Sara? What if… what if they kept the baby? If their child ended up having a friend in Digg and Lyla’s daughter from the moment it was born? Or the way it looked from the moment the little girl had learnt about its existence. She kept on coming over to her, snuggling up, touching her stomach, talking to her stomach, showing it different toys and explaining what every one of them was, in her baby voice and logic. Sara swore she melted. It was the cutest thing ever! Even Sin looked about ready to turn into a puddle of mush because of little Sara’s actions.

But the one thing, the one thing her little namesake did that honest to god made her tear up was, when she started talking to her belly telling the baby about Ollie, and how much she loved him and all the fun things he plays with her and how she ensured the baby that he would play them with it too, once it was no longer inside her belly. She knew Ollie was good with kids, but hearing how much the two-year-old worshipped him was just… god, it was just proof that she was right and that she couldn’t let him do it. She couldn’t let him give up their child. Because Ollie wasn't like her. He was good and pure, and their child would be so lucky to be raised by him. He wasn't going to taint their little Hummingbird like she would. He wasn't shrouded in darkness and doused in blood. He didn't have a thirst for blood and a need to kill like her that was spurred on by the demons under her skin. He wasn't a constant danger to everyone, including their precious baby.

He would regret it for the rest of his life if he went through with it, if he gave up their baby and he had enough regrets already.

*******************************************************************************

Watching Sara Diggle was not a lot of trouble, she was a very well-behaved child and had no trouble playing with herself every once in a while. Giving her and Sin plenty of time to catch up. The only thing that turned out to be a struggle was naptime, but then again naptime was always a struggle with little kids and Lyla had already warned her that her daughter did not like to lie down for a nap in the afternoon but that she seriously needed it and almost always ended up asleep in the end. 

Sin and her tried most of the tricks in the book and when none of them worked Sara decided to just wing it, trust her gut and try something.

So, she took advantage of the fact that she’s been having naptime herself the last couple of weeks.

“All right, baby-girl. You can stay here in the living room and play all by yourself but the baby and I are going to go lie down in Uncle Ollie’s room for a little while, because we both need some sleep. And Sin’s going to go lie down for a little bit too, she’s tired from her travels. So, I guess I’ll see you when I wake up from my nap. Bye-bye, angel. Have fun playing.” She got up from the couch and walked towards the living room door and the direction of Ollie’s room.

It worked like a charm. 

Using the words Ollie and baby got the two-year-old so excited and led to the little sweetie following her every move, walking behind her like a baby duck following its momma. This was how she ended up lying on Ollie’s bed with the little girl snuggled into her side one of her tiny hands resting on her stomach, her head lying between her breast and the curve of her belly, her plush animal partially stuck in between their bodies, fast asleep. Sara looked down at her with a soft smile still tenderly stroking her back, putting the storybook on Ollie’s bedside table and focusing on Sara’s breathing and the rising and falling of her chest and her and Ollie’s little Hummingbird’s movements beneath the little girl’s hand. She bent her head down slightly to kiss Sara’s crown before shifting into a comfortable position, closing her eyes and falling asleep herself.

*******************************************************************************

Ollie had texted her again while she and her little namesake had taken a nap, letting her know that shit had hit the fan and everyone's unprofessionalism and thoughtlessness had led to the entire team learning about Barry's mistake which had led to him and Barry staying behind while the rest had gone to rescue the President.

They had talked on the phone real quick before dinner. She had texted him an adorable pic of Digg's little angel right after they were done eating. Sin and she had then cleaned up the table, Sin had taken care of the dishes and the kitchen while she had bathed Sara and got her ready for and into Ollie's bed. Telling her a story and snuggling on the bed with her until the little girl was fast asleep.

It wasn't until after she had taken a shower and changed into her... a pair of Ollie's PJ's that she realized that he had never texted her back... it had been hours and she hadn't heard from him.

She got slightly worried and texted him again, asking if he and everything was alright.

She joined Sin in the living room where they decided to watch a movie. She couldn't keep herself from checking her phone regularly. When she still hadn't heard from him after another hour she decided to check in with Laurel... and then Thea, when her sister didn't answer either... and then Digg and Felicity and Roy... yet, no one answered their phone or texted her back. Her slight worry from hours ago had turned into fear by now.

Sara checked her cell phone again, getting more worried by the minute. She hadn’t heard from Ollie in hours. Which wasn’t unusual, at least under normal circumstances, but given the fact that he had been texting her regularly ever since he had left for Central City and she hadn’t heard from him in hours made her worry. The fact that she couldn’t reach Laurel, Thea, Digg or Felicity either did not help her worries.

She tried Caitlin again, but so far she hadn’t received any answer from her either.

She tried Roy once more, hoping he would finally pick up the phone and let her know what was going on. And she prayed that he would tell her that everyone was fine and safe. That they were simply busy.

“Still no word?” Sin walked back into the living room with a tray with two cups on it.

“No, no one’s picking up their phones or texting back. And I know, I know that they might just be busy, they are preparing or already fighting an alien invasion, but still, it’s not like Ollie to not text me back. Plus, Felicity is always on her phone. So how come she’s not answering? Why wouldn’t she pick up or text back… is she okay, is she in danger, is she dead?” Sara couldn’t understand what was going on and why no one would let her know what was happening and why Ollie wasn’t returning her texts. Just to give her a sign of life. That’s all she wanted. For someone to just let her know that everyone was still alive.

“I don’t know, Sar, I can’t believe Abercrombie won’t give you an answer. I mean seriously, that doesn’t seem like him at all…” Sin sounded as upset about the situation as she felt.

“He would, if Ollie’s… if something happened to Ollie and he asked him not to tell me, he wouldn’t or if he thinks whatever it is that’s going on would lead to me rushing to Central City… which I won’t no matter what is happening… I just… I just need to know that they’re still alive.” She knew how loyal Roy was towards Ollie and that Ollie had probably made him swear not to tell her anything that might upset her, not if it wasn’t necessary. She cursed both men before sending another text to Roy.

Sara felt utterly helpless. A feeling she couldn't stand, a feeling that was completely paralyzing. She couldn't even recall the last time she had felt like this.

Was this how Felicity regularly felt when she lost contact with the team?

Knowing the danger they were in yet incapable of doing anything to help, because she was miles away and no longer knew what was going on? God, if it was, how could she stand it? How could she deal with it? How did she do it? Positivity, Felicity was always so damn positive. Maybe she should try it.

They were all okay.

Roy and Digg and Felicity. They were okay, just busy, too busy to be bothered by her. They probably just didn't have time to text her, she wasn't a priority. Not even close to one. They were dealing with aliens that had abducted the President. 

Laurel was fine. Her big sister was fine and she'll come back home to her so that they could finally, finally clean the air and leave the past behind them. Her Laulau was fine, she had to be. She didn't know how she was supposed to do any of this without her big sister.

And Thea, Thea, little Speedy, was alright too. She was a Queen after all, and they were nothing if not tenacious and very hard to kill. Speedy had to be alright. Losing her would break Ollie... she was certain about that... and Laurel and her too.

And Ollie, her Ollie, her home. He was okay, Ollie was okay. He had to be.

Ollie had to be okay.

She felt the icy fist around her heart again, squeezing tightly. She could feel her lungs constrict painfully while she tried to keep her breathing normal and herself from panicking. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, visualizing Ollie and his calm voice guiding her through her breathing exercises, keeping her from hyperventilating.

One of her hands had automatically gone to her stomach, softly stroking it. Trying to both calm herself and the baby. Reminding herself to stay calm and strong for Ollie's little Hummingbird.

He was okay, everything was going to be okay.

She looked to Sin, almost begging her to confirm the thoughts she desperately tried to convince herself of. Grateful that Digg's little girl was fast asleep in Ollie's bed. Praying that she wouldn't end up losing her family.

She dragged her eyes away from Sin's when she felt her cell phone buzz and saw that Roy had finally gotten around to texting her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sorta feel like I need to once again point out, that the Arrow writers putting pregnant Felicity into the field, and acting all irresponsible and not caring about the fact that she is unnecessarily endangering her unborn child made me very upset and actually physically sick. Any type of child endangerment (and yes, a pregnant woman knowingly putting herself into a dangerous situation is child endangerment, an unborn child is still a child), most of all reckless ones are a huge issue for me and that whole thing is one of the main reasons I’ve had serious issues watching any scene in Arrow that involves Felicity. So, you won’t ever have me write pregnant Sara knowingly and willingly getting into a fight and endangering her unborn child. This isn’t me saying that there is no way she’ll ever get in a dangerous situation while she’s pregnant (I honestly have no clue what she may or may not manage to get herself into) but she would not be the one initiating the situation or putting herself in the field, it wouldn’t be by any choice or action of her own.  
> Just to put that out there. And anyone who has an issue with that or thinks Sara should be in the field pregnant… seriously needs to think about the danger she’d put herself, her child and the whole team into with an action like that.  
> Sara is a trained assassin, she’d know that she would be a liability in her current state plus, she would never ever, ever put her child’s life in that type of danger.  
> Okay, and that somehow ended up longer than I meant and turned into another rant, so sorry guys!
> 
> Chapter title is from the song 'Alone' by NF.


	28. Drip drop the rain is falling I hear it all could flood One rainy night away from losing all you love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one besides her little namesake had gotten any real sleep last night. Which might partially have been because somehow all four of them ended up a tangled mess in Ollie’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahm... well I'm not so sure about this one but I wanted to post it because otherwise it'll be at least midweek until I get around to it... I hope you guys like it.

Quentin

  
  
  
He had been surprised about his younger daughter’s phone call and even more her question if he would mind staying with her for a while because Oliver had to leave town on short notice but didn’t want to leave her alone. Of course he didn’t mind spending time with his baby. He had been thrilled when she had suggested weekly dinners at her and Oliver’s place and the implications that came with it. That she wanted to spend time with her family, that she wanted to reconnect and maybe even put down roots again. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.   
  
Her recent actions gave him a lot of hope, hope that maybe he wouldn’t have to say goodbye to his youngest daughter again, that he wasn’t going to lose her again as soon as her baby was born. And that maybe, just maybe, she and Oliver would change their minds when it came to the fate of their child.   
  
There was a part of him that still wanted nothing more than to try to convince both Sara and Oliver to keep their child. To tell them it would be okay, that all of them could figure it out together. That they wouldn’t be alone. That they wouldn’t have to handle and deal with it on their own. It was so very hard for him to keep his mouth shut and not say anything, like Dinah had told him to several times during the ten days that she had spent in Star City.   
  
He knew she was right.   
  
That Sara and Oliver needed to figure this one out on their own. That it was their choice. That it needed to be their choice and that they needed to be sure they could handle raising a child if they should decide to change their minds. It would have to be because it was what they wanted and not because they felt obligated and pressured into keeping their child. It was just… they were talking about his grandchild. The thought of never getting to know the newest member of their family, of not being a part of his grandbaby’s life, was nearly unbearable. After having lost Sara so many times and never even letting himself dream of the possibility of his baby providing him with grandchildren anymore, like she had always wanted to, learning that one of her dreams had finally come true, but that she was no longer believing that she deserved to live that dream was heartbreaking. He wished there was something he could do to make her see how wrong she was, to help her realize that she deserved this, that she could do this...

He just wished he could shoulder some of the burden she was carrying and ease some of her pain.   
  
But most of all he wanted to watch her be the amazing mother to her child he knew she would be. To watch her thrive in the new role life was providing her with. He just wanted to see his baby be happy, like he knew she would be, raising her and Oliver’s child.   
  
Sara’s surprise phone call led to him standing in their hallway, watching Oliver and his daughter’s interaction and their emotional, heartbreaking goodbye. It was obvious by their behavior how aware both of them were of the situation and the possible consequences to Oliver’s leaving. There was a significant chance that he may not return. Quentin knew that just as well as the parents-to-be he was watching.

Studying their interactions led to him wondering once again about their relationship status.   
  
They sure looked like a couple to him. And not just that. If he were simply observing them as a stranger, he would assume they were an established married couple that was expecting their first child. Everything they did, every word they spoke were what one would expect from a couple that had been married for years.   
  
Maybe Di had been right, maybe the reason why both Sara and Oliver insisted that they were not a couple was because neither of them was too fond of labels, they never had been. And she might also be on to something with her theory that another reason might be that there were no labels that could describe what they had, what they meant to each other. Di had insisted that none of the usual words one would use to refer to a couple seemed fitting when it came to them, that the commonly used terms weren’t strong enough to describe what they are to each other.  
  
He hadn’t known about that one, but Di had spent more time with the two of them than anyone else. Watching them now made him agree with his ex-wife’s words for the first time, witnessing what she had seen weeks ago.  
  
Sara and Oliver had always had a tight bond growing up. Their similar characters played a huge part in that. They had an understanding of the other most people lacked. That bond only seemed to have gotten stronger over the last couple of years. Part of him was still wondering what had happened during their time together on the Island that had led to their bond becoming seemingly unbreakable. The other part was pretty sure he didn’t actually want to know. He was still reeling and trying to come to grips with the latest revelation about the six years his baby had been away and the horrors she had faced during that time. He had been plagued by nightmares ever since he had found out that his baby had been... that she... that they had... he couldn’t even... he had woken up in a cold sweat more than once, still hearing his baby’s desperate, anguished and helpless cries while faceless figures hunched over her, forcefully taking what was not theirs to take. Knowing that there was nothing he could do to help her, to protect her, to prevent the horror she had to endure from happening to her.  
  
Quentin forcefully shoved those dark thoughts from his mind and focused on the pair in front of him again.  
  
He had witnessed Oliver in different relationships over the years but the last couple of weeks had been the first time he had seen Sara and Oliver act like a couple, something they hadn’t even done almost three years ago when they had offi... that wasn’t right. When everyone had known that they had been together. They hadn’t acted like a couple then, not in public and not in front of him. So, this was the first time he got the chance to observe them while they were showing their affection publicly and what he saw surprised him.   
  
The level of respect, understanding and devotion that they were showing each other, the way Oliver treated Sara like an equal in any way, shape or form, something he had never seen the younger man do with anyone before, not on the same level as he did his younger daughter. Or how very gentle and soft he was with her. Just how much he seemed to cherish her and bask in her presence.   
  
And the way Oliver looked at his baby girl. That had been the most surprising thing of them all.   
  
Oliver looked at Sara as if she were the most precious, amazing and divine being. It was an unusual look on the former playboy’s face. A look that spoke volumes concerning his feelings towards the mother of his unborn child.  
  
And Sara, Sara actually seemed to be taking care of Oliver. Even more shocking had been the realization that he let her. There were a lot of small touches and gentle caresses whenever she passed him or he her. Sara and Oliver’s communication was mostly physical. But they were so very soft and gentle with each other. It was a stark contrast to the violence that was a huge part of their lives, and the hardened warriors that they were and usually presented to the world.  
  
He watched Oliver get on his knees in front of Sara to say goodbye to his unborn child, and Quentin wasn’t sure when the last time was that he felt this emotional and touched by any of Oliver’s actions. It was when the father-to-be got back on his feet and kissed Sara’s forehead that he saw the anguished look on his face and the agony in his eyes… it was in that moment that Quentin was certain of one thing.   
  
Strangers would not raise his grandbaby.   
  
Not if Oliver survived the alien attack. Walking away from Sara and their unborn child was tearing the young man apart, and Quentin knew there was no way he would give up his baby after this.   
  
He watched Oliver push all of his feelings and emotions away to hide them behind the neutral mask that was the Green Arrow’s signature look. He straightened his shoulders and put his head up straight, turning around and walking away without looking back. Watching the man he had known ever since he was a little boy, struggle to walk away from his daughter made him realize just how hard it was for him to do what everyone expected him to, what was right and leaving a pregnant Sara behind.   
  
He moved his eyes from the now empty doorway to his daughter and could see her shoulders shake for a moment before she took a couple of deep breaths, still staring at the entrance to their apartment that Oliver had just walked out of.   
  
“How you holding up, baby?” He looked at his daughter questioningly, trying to get her attention and to distract her from Oliver’s departure. This situation couldn’t be easy for her. She was usually right in the middle of any battle. Staying back and letting her family fight it without her must have been a hard decision for her to make.  
  
There was a part of him that had expected her to lie, or avoid the question as she tended to do when it came to her feelings, he was glad when she answered honestly and took the time to gather her thoughts and analyze how she was feeling. It was another sign to him that she was slowly letting herself feel and taking her own feelings into consideration and therefore giving them weight and herself some importance. It was a small step towards healing.  
  
He quietly watched her from his position on the coffee table in front of her, giving her the time she needed to put her feelings into words. He put one of his hands on her knee out of habit. It was almost a reflex, in order to provide her with some comfort while sharing his thoughts with her. It was an act he performed without thinking, one he had done countless times before with both of his daughters. It wasn’t until he noticed her biting her lip that he realized what he had done and was just about to remove it and apologize when he felt one of her hands covering his, while her lips turned into a soft half smile. They stayed like this for the majority of their conversation.  
  
“You’ll be alright, baby, both of you. No matter what happens, you’ll always have me.” Quentin put his other hand on top of his daughters, holding it tight, to try to comfort her, in the small way she seemed to allow him to. Sara putting her hand on his had been the first physical contact she had initiated and allowed between them since she and Oliver had returned home. And he wasn’t going to push or force her into more. There was nothing he wanted more than to wrap her in his arms and comfort her, but it was not what she needed right now. What she needed was for him to just be there for her and let her set the pace. To give her the time and space she needed.   
  
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Sara

  
  
Sara jumped up from Ollie’s armchair the moment she heard the front door rushing towards it.   
  
Roy hadn’t really given her any information, just apologized for not answering her sooner, that everyone was fine, and he was sure Ollie would contact her soon and that Thea was coming home and would stay with her, Sin and baby Sara.   
  
Which meant something had happened, and everyone was not fine. Speedy would never remove herself from a fight, even less such an enormous one if she were okay. Ollie wouldn’t send his baby sister to stay with her if everything was okay. So, she had been sitting in the living room, Sin keeping her quiet company, waiting anxiously for Thea’s arrival, hoping that she was okay and that maybe she would finally get some answers as to why everyone had gone MIA for hours.   
  
She pulled the younger woman into a tight hug the moment she had stepped into the apartment and Sara had looked her over and made sure she wasn’t hurt.   
  
“Thea, thank god! I was so worried! Are you okay? What happened?” Sara was ushering Ollie’s younger sister into the apartment and steering her towards the living room and Sin. All the while bombarding her with questions she had not yet meant to ask. But all the worry and the fear that had built up over the hours of radio silence needed an outlet and this was the only outlet she had right now.   
  
“Do you want something to eat? Drink? Or maybe a hot shower, while I prepare you some food? Sorry, I’m shutting up now.” She counted down from twenty and bit her lip to stop herself from saying anymore before at least giving Thea the chance to answer.   
  
“It’s fine, Sara, it’s nice to know that you care so much that you end up babbling like Felicity…” Thea teased while grinning at her.  
  
“I’m… I don’t know how I am. It’s been a really weird couple of days. But a shower does sound nice, so does food. So, I’d go with that if the offer still stands and in return promise to answer all of your questions while eating?” Thea continued to answer her questions, not giving her time to respond this time.  
  
“Sorry! Of course, the offer still stands. What would you like to eat?” Sara smiled at her compassionately.  
  
“I really don’t care. Whatever.” Thea looked and sounded exhausted.  
  
“Okay. Why don’t you grab some fresh clothes from my room, Speedy, you can have my bed too. I’ll be crashing in Ollie’s anyway, Sara insisted on sleeping in his bed.” She moved towards the hallway to get to the kitchen while Thea was following her to grab some fresh clothes and a hot shower.  
  
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Ollie called while Thea was still in the bathroom. Letting her know that he was okay and apologizing for worrying her. He promised he would explain what happened once everything was over and he was back home. The conversation had been extremely short and Ollie had pretty much cut it off before it really began.  
  
Hearing his voice had eased some of her worry, but his distant behavior on the phone and refusal to tell her what had happened gave her a bad feeling. Whatever had happened was something that had a lasting impact on Ollie, she just knew it. He could’ve summarized it and would’ve otherwise. This meant that he had not yet processed it and didn’t give himself the time to, and he didn’t want to worry her. Just like he didn’t tell her that things had just gotten worse, while ending their call only minutes after it began.   
  
Sara slowly put the phone back into the pocket of Ollie’s sweatpants, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, her hand once again ending up placed on her stomach on its own accord.  
  
It was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. Ollie and Laurel were going to be okay.  
  
They had to be.  
  
She stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down and convince herself of her newest mantra. She then opened her eyes and walked back into the kitchen to check up on Sin and Thea’s food. Only to find both young women in there catching up.  
  
*******************************************************************************  
  
“Wait, you, Ollie, Laurel and Dig were what?!” Sara wasn’t sure she heard right or whether she should believe what Thea just told her. Why the fuck hadn’t he mentioned that during their phone call?  
  
Just a quick _‘sorry, Pretty Bird, the reason I was MIA was because Speedy, Laurel, Dig, Ray and I got abducted by aliens.’_  
  
Was that too much to ask for? And why hadn’t anyone else like picked up the phone and let her know that her sister and the father of her unborn child were abducted by fucking aliens?! That was the sort of information she had a right to know! How could they not have told her? How could Ollie not have mentioned it just now? Why wouldn’t he mention it?   
  
Sara was pissed, pissed enough to get off the couch and start pacing, wishing Ollie were here so she could yell at him and give voice to her anger.   
  
Ollie got abducted by fucking aliens, and no one bothered to tell her. To let her know.   
  
Ollie got abducted by aliens.  
  
She had almost lost Ollie again because aliens had abducted him.   
  
She could feel the panic set in the moment the realization of the meaning of those words registered.   
  
She came so close to losing Ollie again. So close to having him leave her and their little Hummingbird alone. She almost had to go through all of this alone. Because Ollie had been abducted by aliens.   
  
Aliens he was fighting right now.   
  
She could still lose him.   
  
Oh god, she could still lose Ollie. What if…  
  
“Easy, Sar. Breathe.” Sin’s voice registered amidst her panic and helped her thoughts to return to the here and now.  
  
“Sara, breathe, you need to breathe. In and out, in and out,… They’re okay, both Ollie and Laurel are okay.” Thea was suddenly standing right in front of her, holding on to the hand that wasn’t on her stomach and trying to calm her down, Sin was right next to her, one hand on her upper arm, comforting her.   
  
She looked at the two brunettes in front of her, the two women she loved just as much as she did Laurel, the two young women she referred to as her younger sisters without a moment’s hesitation. She loved them so much. And she was so very grateful for their presence, she didn’t know what she would’ve done if she were alone. How she was supposed to go through this alone. She pulled on Thea’s hand while wrapping her other arm around Sin, pulling them both into a tight hug.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
*******************************************************************************  
  
No one besides her little namesake had gotten any real sleep last night. Which might partially have been because somehow all four of them ended up a tangled mess in Ollie’s bed. Catching up and trying to stay distracted and not think about the danger their family and friends were facing. It had actually been a lot of fun, to her surprise.  
  
Sara had never been one for sleepovers. She liked camp, but not the sleepovers girls used to have.   
  
She was also surprised how well she was doing with Thea so close. So far, the bloodlust and the demons under her skin had stayed dormant. Thankfully. Still she was constantly on edge just waiting for them to stir, just like she was waiting to hear from Ollie and yet expecting someone else to call her and bring bad news.  
  
Thankfully, getting the little angel ready for the day provided a solid distraction and helped all three of them to stay busy. Having her here was truly a blessing, and her sunny demeanor and hilarious actions helped ease the tension they were feeling while playing the waiting game. She took some pics and send them to Ollie. She hoped it would put a smile on his face and ease some of his tension. She made sure to add a humorous text with it, just in case the picture wasn’t enough.  
  
*******************************************************************************  
  
Felicity

  
  
  
It hadn’t taken Felicity long to notice how Oliver appeared to spend a lot of time, well for him, on his cell, texting or actually talking, he always seemed more relaxed during the calls and right after. It was an unusual behavior for her ex-fiancé, he usually spent very little time on his cell phone or with electronics in general. Even less during any type of crisis.  
  
She was surprised when one of the first things he had done after his abduction was to make a phone call. It was so not like him. Even less while they were all trying to figure out how to proceed and what was happening.   
  
The supposed meeting with the president had been a bust and things had just gotten worse. Not that she had thought it possible until now.  
  
So, the next time she saw him glance at his phone and grin, before nudging Dig and showing it to him, which led to Dig grinning too, she decided to find out what was going on. It wasn’t hard for her to figure out who he was communicating with; she still had access to all of his devices, after all. She pulled up his screen with a couple of keystrokes just to see a picture of baby Sara wearing what looked suspiciously like one of Oliver’s shirts, with what she assumed was a stuffed animal, given the shape, stuck under it. The caption Sara wrote under it just stated:  
  
 _‘She decided since we’re having the same name and we both like you lots, we should also look the same... guess you’ll have to go shirtless from now on... FYI; congrats, it’s a bear…’_ and a winking emoji behind it.  
  
Felicity couldn’t help but grin herself. Baby Sara looked adorable in the enormous shirt that Sara had knotted together in some places, and Sara’s words were hilarious... plus there were worse things than Oliver without a shirt.  
  
It didn’t take a lot of work or any at all for her to find out that the person he had been communicating with had been Sara. She was the only person he had texted with in the last three days. She was tempted to read through some of the texts but decided against it. That would be a huge violation of trust, and they were her friends. Her friends who valued their privacy a lot.

This had been different, Oliver had shown it to Dig, so it wasn’t anything private.

She bit her lip before disconnection Oliver’s cell phone altogether. Denying herself any and all access to it. There was no reason for her to access his private phone anymore, he could let her know if he for some reason wanted or needed her to connect with it again in order to access it but until then, his private life was his and none of her business. They were ex, after all. Whether or not she liked it. It had been her choice.  
  
It had been her choice. Ending their relationship had been her choice. Her choice had led to this. To them being ex.  
  
But still friends.  
  
She bit her lip again and contemplated something for a minute before making a decision. She picked up her cell phone and sent Sara a quick text, asking how she was doing and things were in Star City. Because Sara was her friend, at least Felicity hoped she still was and considered her to be her friend. And she really hoped Sara was doing okay. Oliver’s words had stuck with her and she had spent a lot of time mulling them over and talking to her mom, Dig and Lyla, and Laurel about it.   
  
Sara was her friend, at least a potential friend. Someone she would love to get to know better and hang out with more. She had enjoyed her company when she had first come home and there had been potential for them to become good friends. Sara’s leaving and her own insecurities, she begrudgingly had to admit, had prevented that from happening though.  
  
It only took Sara a minute to reply to her text.  
  
Letting her know that she and the girls were okay. She sent a picture along with it. It showed baby Sara in her highchair eating breakfast flanked by both Thea and Sin on either side of her.  
  
Sara then wanted to know how she was doing and things were going. Felicity texted her back real quick, providing her with some information but not too much. She didn’t want to worry her, before focusing on what was going on and what appeared to be a sudden attack from the aliens.  
  
She felt like someone had lifted a slight weight from her shoulders. Sara had texted her back with no hesitation. The text had been light and honest and just the way a friend would text another friend. She hoped that this was a good sign and the beginning of what could be a great friendship, hopefully.  
  
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Sara

  
  
Sara was surprised when the doorbell rang, picked little Sara up, placed her on her hip and went to answer the door. Throwing the arm that was not holding on to the small girl around the man in front of her was a reflex, feeling relief and comfort when he returned her one-armed hug with both of his, it was a welcoming sensation.  
  
“Roy, thank god you’re okay!” She pulled him in a little tighter until a tiny voice complained and the two of them parted, chuckling.  
  
“What are you doing here? Are Ollie and Laurel okay?” Her curiosity turned to dread in a matter of seconds. The only reason she could think of for Roy to come here, alone, was because something had happened to Ollie, or Laurel. Or both of them. She could feel her heartbeat increase and her lungs constrict painfully.  
  
“Easy, Birdy, they’re both okay. I swear, maybe a little banged up, but so is everyone. They’re fine. I’m here to get you and the girls and take you to Central. We won, and the aliens left, so that’s a reason to celebrate and I figured Thea, you and Sin should join us. You’re both part of Team Arrow and Sin’s pretty much an honorary member, if you asked me.” Roy jumped right in when he realized that she was close to panicking, ensuring her and explaining his presence here.  
  
“Okay, Thea and Sin are out getting some groceries, but they should be back soon. What about tiny here?” She informed him and wondered, playfully pinching the girl in question’s little tight. She had promised Lyla and Dig to watch their daughter, and she wasn’t going to hand her over to anyone besides her parents.  
  
“Let’s bring her too, I’m sure Dig’ll be happy to see her.”  
  
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“Ollie!” Sara couldn’t stop herself from calling out his name the moment she spotted the familiar emerald of his suit. She was already halfway across the space between them by the time he turned towards her, it only took her few seconds longer until she barreled into him, jumping into his arms with no warning, not that he needed any, he knew her long and good enough to expect her move and catch her with no trouble. She wrapped her arms and legs around him and held on tight, breathing him in, ensuring herself that he was really here, that he was alive, that he was okay.  
  
She could feel the tension and worry that had built up over the last couple of days leave her body and everything taking its toll, that in combination with the pregnancy hormones led to an emotional overload and it didn’t take long for her to cry. She tried not to, but she knew it was a losing battle the moment she tried to fight it. She had lost every single fight with her tears ever since she got pregnant, so it was no surprise to her that she lost this one too.  
  
“It’s okay, Pretty Bird, I’m okay.” Ollie’s soft, comforting voice was like a balm to her soul, and his hands that were softly stroking her hair and back helped ease the last of the tension away. She could feel a familiar warmth replace the cold that the dread and fear had filled her body with when Ollie kissed her temple. She took a deep breath to calm herself.  
  
“Thea told me about the abduction… You can’t leave me, Ollie. I can’t do this without you.” It worked just long enough for her to push those sentences past the lump in her throat and mumble them into his neck, refusing to let go of him even the tiniest bit.  
  
“I won’t, you won’t have to do this alone. I promise. ‘Not without you’ and ‘together’, remember?” The shock from the familiar and unexpected words Ollie spoke led to her finally pushing herself far enough away from him so she could look him in the eyes, searching. Searching for the true meaning behind the words. For all the things he never says. All the things he usually hides from everyone and tries to hide from her. Unsuccessfully.  
  
But not today, not right now. His eyes had never been clearer and never shown more truth than they did right now.  
  
“Together.” It was a statement, a promise and an oath. They were in this together. Whatever life would throw at them, they would face it together. She tried to convey all of this and so much more in that one word, tried to communicate it with her eyes. Hoping he would understand what she was and wasn’t saying at the same time.  
  
“Sara…” She was certain he had understood the moment he spoke her name like a broken prayer, his voice was chocked and he put so much meaning and emotion into that one word, it was… it almost frightened her but Ollie kissed her before she could give it anymore thought, forgetting everything besides the feelings he provided and the touch of his lips on hers.  
  
“I love you.” She wasn’t sure she heard right, but her mouth replied before her mind managed to process what had just happened.

“I know, I’ve known since Lian Yu.” It was the truth. Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood for her. After he had refused to when he should’ve done it. When it might have changed the outcome of events. He executed him in cold blood when he no longer had any reason to. Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood so that she didn’t have to. If she’d had any doubt concerning his feelings for her after all the times he had thrown himself between her and a gun, it would’ve been gone then and there for sure.  
  
His heartfelt words startled her. Those words completely blindsided her. She hadn’t expected them. At all. Not because she didn’t think he loved her, or that they weren’t true. No, because they didn’t do this.  
  
“You’ve always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions.” She added, hoping it would lighten the mood a little. It had gotten too heavy for her liking, too serious and way too real. And she didn’t know, she didn’t know how to respond. What to do. She couldn’t… she couldn’t do this, not now, maybe not ever.  
  
***************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "War" by Icon for Hire.


	29. I never drag 'em in battles that I can handle less I absolutely have to I'm suppose to set an example, I need to be the leader My crew looks for me to guide 'em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had been rather impressed when the obvious Alpha male declined the leadership position that Cisco wanted to bestow upon him because Barry had been the one who brought them all together. Only to slightly rethink what she had believed to be a noble act when he ended up pretty much telling Barry what he should do and taking over leadership without actually leading. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so first of all, I'm sorry I didn't manage to get around and post the chapter earlier. This week was way busier than I expected it to be.
> 
> This part was not easy to write and I'm still not really sure about it... parts of it are not that great...

Kara

Kara felt slightly overwhelmed when she arrived on Barry’s earth with him and Cisco and everyone was introduced to her.

“Barry, I thought you were bringing an alien?” She focused on the person who had spoken and saw a tall, handsome man, around his thirties, maybe. He was surrounded by an aura of authority, and she felt a little intimidated by him. A small brunette and a tall golden blonde woman flanked him, next to the blonde was a tall, very muscular African American man, who had his arms crossed in front of his chest and a skeptical but friendly look on his face. The two women looked rather intrigued. Her eyes strayed back to the man who had spoken first, and she noticed how he was not only mustering but what appeared to be actually studying her.

Barry didn’t hesitate to introduce her, and she gave them a small taste of her powers, to convince them she was in fact an alien. Her friend then went ahead and introduced everyone to her. So she learnt that Oliver had been the one who had studied her intently, and the women next to him were Thea and Laurel, and Dig was next to Laurel.

The man who was also known as the Green Arrow seemed to be watching her at all times. His stare appeared even more intense when she joined in on the conversation and shared what she knew about the Dominators.

“We should use Kara as a stand-in for training.” Oliver’s suggestion led to a debate about who it was that should lead them with a surprising turn of event when Oliver declined the post and suggested Barry should be the one to lead them.

“Appreciate that, Cisco, but Barry put us all together. It should be him.” She had not expected that.

She had been rather impressed when the obvious Alpha male declined the leadership position that Cisco wanted to bestow upon him because Barry had been the one who brought them all together. Only to slightly rethink what she had believed to be a noble act when he ended up pretty much telling Barry what he should do and taking over leadership without actually leading. 

“So, we’re all just going to be pretending that Barry’s in charge while Oliver’s backseat leading?” Roy’s flippant comment and the grin on his face surprised her, and she turned towards Oliver to see his reaction, the older man had a challenging look on his face, glaring at the dark-haired man, while she noticed Thea being highly amused and Laurel biting her lip to hide her grin, even Dig looked amused. This made her wonder about Team Arrow’s dynamic and how Roy, who was with the Legend’s fit into it.

*****************************************************************************************************

“Oliver. Hey. Kara. Really quick. I was excited about the two of you guys meeting each other. Oliver was the first person to train me.” Barry excitedly stopped her and Oliver, who was about to go suit up.

“Really?” He had never mentioned that before. It was an interesting new piece of information.

“Well, you did a really good job.” She smiled at the older man while complimenting him. And she really meant it. He had done a superb job with Barry, from what she had seen of the hero so far.

“It’s ‘cause I didn’t hold back. I shot him. You can’t hold back either.” Wait, what? He had done what?! Kara wasn’t sure if she heard him right and glanced at Barry in surprised shock for a moment before looking back at Oliver.

“He did shoot me.” The Flash confirmed that fact, and it obviously meant that she had heard right. Barry grimaced, but she couldn’t detect any anger or resentment, which she would’ve expected.

“Ouch. Okay. Are you sure about that? I just met these people...” This was not at all what she had expected when Barry had asked for her help. And she really didn’t want to hurt anyone. His request was making her very uncomfortable. She just met them. She was going to have to work with them. What if they ended up being afraid of her? Or if they resented her for being too hard on them?

“These people need to understand this isn’t gonna be easy. Don’t hold back. Especially against me.” The Green Arrow’s voice was firm and left no room to argue. 

“Yes, sir.” He barely waited long enough for her to agree with his request before he walked past them to go get changed. She watched him for a moment and saw him take his cell phone from his pocket and putting it up to his ear while disappearing from her sight.

“Wow. Does he not like me?” Oliver’s behavior made her feel very insecure and wonder if she did something wrong? Had she somehow unintentionally offended him? She turned towards Barry questioningly.

“He’s like that with everyone. He’ll warm up to you.” Her friend’s words sounded encouraging, yet the look on his face told her a different story. Barry wasn’t convinced about his own words.

Oliver Queen was not at all what she had expected after everything that Barry had told her about him and how highly he had spoken of his mentor. She had expected someone a little more like Barry, maybe…? Well, at least someone less gruff, sort of rude and… cold... 

Oliver Queen sure was a piece of work.

Kara let the last couple of minutes pass through her mind again while waiting for everyone to change into their suits and come back to do the test run against her. She still wasn’t convinced that not holding back was a good idea.

She had to admit it had horrified her when she learnt that Oliver had actually shot Barry, his friend. Who would do something like that? Training or not. That was neither okay nor normal. And how could Barry be okay with that? And yes, he healed fast, but still. His mentor, his friend, shot him. That was not something any sane person would do. Right?

But then again, everyone seemed to look up to Oliver, or at least respect him, a lot. And they wouldn’t do that if he were crazy, or would they? He didn’t seem crazy. He definitely didn’t look crazy, far from it actually.

Oliver Queen was a very attractive man.

She couldn’t understand why he would demand she not hold back while they were ‘doing a test run’ against her. He didn’t know her, he didn’t know her strength and what she was capable of doing. How much everyone could get hurt if she didn’t hold back. Especially everyone who wasn’t a meta human, as Barry called them. She didn’t know these people, and she really didn’t want to hurt them or start off on the wrong foot. Besides, hadn’t they just decided that Barry was in charge? So, why was Oliver the one giving her orders? Shouldn’t it be Barry who told her how to proceed during their test run?

Well, she had looked at Barry and he had just shrugged before giving her the go-ahead. 

So, she did what she was told to do once everyone returned, ready to go ahead and attack her. And everyone was lying on the floor in no time.

Yet, Oliver ‘Don’t hold back. Especially against me.’ Queen was nowhere to be found.  
She wasn’t sure what to make of that. She had seen him with Barry a short time ago… but still. He had made such a huge deal about the test run and her not holding back while facing him that him not being here seemed strange and it made her feel even less comfortable fighting everyone else, without holding back.

Oliver showed up after everyone’s fourth attempt and failure at bringing her down.

“She really is a badass.” Thea told Laurel and Roy. The young man turned to Oliver, who was walking towards those three, after he got back up.

“It’s kinda hot, I’m sure your Bird would agree.” The younger man said grinning once he was next to Oliver and winked at the last part. Oliver had a bird? Why would Oliver’s bird think her throwing everyone around was hot? Wait that didn’t make any sense, a bird couldn’t think or talk, or could they on this earth?

“She most definitely would.” She could hear what sounded like amusement in the gruff man’s voice. That didn’t seem right either. Neither did the grin on his face that mirrored Roy’s. She was still trying to figure out how everyone was connected, besides the Team they belonged to, and how they had ended up in said Team. The grin only adorned his face for a minute before he slapped the dark-haired man on the back and turned towards her and everyone else.

“Let’s go again.” Again? Seriously? He hadn’t gone at her at all yet. Part of her felt a little smug and satisfied, when he ended up on the floor after very little effort on her part, just like everyone else.

****************************************************************************  
  
Kara noticed the unofficial leader of their team on the phone, and not for the first time. He looked contemplative and deep in thought. She wondered who he was talking to and what about. She was very tempted to listen in on the conversation but didn’t give in to her curiosity and violate his privacy. She had a feeling that he would be very angry at her if she did and he found out. And she really didn’t want to know what he would do when he was angry, given he had shot his friend just because… well, to make a point, according to Barry, while he was training him.

Still, now didn’t seem to be the right moment for a personal call, they had just been informed that the president had been taken and Cisco and Barry had gotten into an argument that led to everyone learning that Barry had altered the past and the decision that Barry and Oliver would stay back while they went to save the president.

So making a phone call, she had concluded it probably was a personal call given the fact that she was now seeing the Green Arrow relaxed and smiling for the first time, ever, seemed to be not the right moment.

“… alright, Pretty Bird… I promise, I won’t at least not right now, I’m not giving you any guarantees for later... good luck with that… I gotta go, talk to you soon… give your little namesake a sleep-tight-kiss from me, but only if your plan works and she agrees to lie down with you ...if not just let Sin watch her… either way, enjoy your nap, Tweety… yeah… and you stay safe.” Oliver was walking towards her, before he was done with his phone call and her enhanced hearing led to her catching the end of his conversation. To say that it intrigued her was an understatement and not just because of the amused look and smile on his face but also because of the subject of the conversation. Plus, there was once again the mention of a bird. Well, he referred to whoever was on the other line as ‘Pretty Bird’, so he was probably not talking to his pet… so who was she? She assumed it was a she, Oliver and Roy had used ‘she’ while talking about his ‘Bird’. Was it his girlfriend? But then again, she couldn’t really picture Oliver in a relationship. He didn’t seem to be the type. Plus, she really couldn’t fathom what type of woman would actually put up with his behavior. 

Oliver Queen was an enigma. And the reporter in her couldn’t help but wonder about him and his story and really wanted to figure him out. And she definitely wanted to solve the mystery concerning his “bird”.

*******************************************************************************

Barry was thinking about sacrificing himself for the team, after the meeting under the guise that the president wanted to meet with Barry and Oliver, who had taken Roy and Laurel with them, Oliver’s idea not Barry’s who was supposed to be in charge, and left her behind. Because Oliver Queen would like to “minimize her involvement in this because she was a “unknown quantity” and he needed some space. Who made him the boss, anyway?

Well, they ended up getting ambushed, and the president didn’t show, but an agent did, apparently telling them that the Dominator’s invasion was Barry’s fault.

“Barry. I’m not letting you leave.” Seriously, every time she thinks she has figured him out, Oliver Queen did something else that took her by surprise. He had been the one who had tried to talk Barry out of doing this. And yet he still hadn’t given up on their friend.

“No offense, Oliver, but you and what army?” Barry did have a point, Oliver was only human and didn’t really have a shot against the Flash, which made his insistence on stopping Barry even more impressive.

“This one.” She decided to take part in the conversation, besides she was the only one who could actually stop Barry.

The only thing that surprised her more than Oliver, was Mick, who ended up being the one to convince Barry to stay and fight with them. It was after Felicity had informed them about the opening of the Spaceships and everyone headed out to handle their assigned tasks that she noticed Oliver hanging back for a moment, something that seemed to be very out of character for him. He seemed to be looking at something for a moment, before straightening his back and walking out, ready for battle.

*******************************************************************************

Kara was still basking in her personal little triumph amidst their huge win. She had saved Oliver’s life. And he had thanked her for it. Maybe he finally realized that she was an asset and was warming up to her, just like Barry had said he would. It was those thoughts that distracted her until she heard a woman’s voice and turned around towards it.

“Ollie!”  
  
Kara was completely taken by surprise when she saw a blonde woman rush towards Oliver, who was still in his Green Arrow suit but without the green hood, and jump into his arms without a moment’s hesitation, wrapping herself around him. And even more so by the gruff, distant and stern man’s actions. His arms seemed to move, to hold her up and help her achieve her goal almost on their own accord. His hands soon began to travel along her body, as if to both ensure himself of her presence and well-being and to comfort her.

It took Kara a moment to realize that the woman was crying.

So, was this Oliver’s “Bird”? The woman Roy had referred to and who she assumed had been on the other end of his phone calls?

She had no difficulty making out the conversation between them, even without her super hearing. Sound traveled easily in the open space of the hangar.

“It’s okay, Pretty Bird, I’m okay.” It was almost as if he had been reading her mind, giving her the answer to her question.

“Thea told me about the abduction… You can’t leave me, Ollie. I can’t do this without you.” The blonde’s words were muffled but she was still able to make them out, without any trouble. Kara wondered if the woman was referring to something specific or just in general?

“I won’t, you won’t have to do this alone. I promise. ‘Not without you’ and ‘together’, remember?” There definitely seemed to be a lot of history between those two, given their interaction and words.

Kara didn’t really get the chance to be happy that she had learnt the name of Oliver’s ‘Bird’, Sara, when the man’s very unexpected actions shocked her. That was some serious PDA, right before his declaration of love. Her eyes went big, and she turned away from the scene in front of her to look at Barry, who was not the only one who appeared to be as astonished about the turn of events. Actually, everyone looked about as stunned as she felt.

Kara found it hard to connect the man she had met a couple of days ago with the one in front of her. He was so tender and soft with the woman he indeed called “Pretty Bird”, and therefore confirmed her suspicions as to who she was, and it was such a stark contrast to the way he had behaved for the whole duration of the crisis. So, this was who he had been talking to on the phone. And wasn’t that like one of the sweetest pet names she had ever heard? It almost seemed surreal to think the stern man she had met would come up with it.

She was fascinated by their interaction and this very new side that she saw of the Green Arrow. 

It wasn’t until Oliver looked away from the blonde in his arms for a moment and then proceeded to hoist her up a little, and hold on to her tighter, to turn around and walk away that the silence that had fallen upon the hangar by the blonde’s actions, was broken.  
  
“Okay, I did not see that coming. And yet, I’m not actually surprised… if that makes any sense.” Thea and Roy had walked up to them and were also watching the scene between the Green Arrow and Canary unfold.

“It’s your brother and his Bird… why would anyone be surprised by this? Seriously, her not jumping him would’ve surprised me far more... I swear those two are... never mind you don’t want to know.” Roy turned towards, what she had learnt was his ex-girlfriend, looking as amused as Oliver’s younger sister did.

“That’s true. Still, this is not a convincing argument for the whole ‘it’s not like that we’re not a couple’” Oliver’s little sister rolled her eyes dramatically and Roy just started to laugh, for some reason.

“What’s so funny?” Felicity apparently didn’t seem to understand their former Teammates reaction either.

“Well, what’s funny is that you guys seem to take the ‘we’re not a couple’ as them saying there’s nothing going on between them, which I call bullshit, and not just because of the obvious reason but because neither of them ever actually said that they ever were a couple. If you’d ask them if they were a couple three years ago, they’d both tell you no. While we all know that they obviously were, since they were you know living together, sharing a bed and their lives... I mean, I know they were, Thea knows they were, you guys know they were, they knew they were, but that’s not what they’d call it. They don’t actually do labels, not when it comes to their involvements. So, them denying to be a couple means shit. The only thing they’re actually saying is; it’s none of your business. So, stop asking questions and just leave us alone and let us do or be whatever. They like their privacy and they like for people to stay out of their personal lives.” Roy looked at them incredulously.

“So, that was Sara, as in Sara Lance, your sister, the first Canary, right?” Cisco turned towards Laurel excitedly.

“Yeah, that’s Sara.” Laurel confirmed distractedly, it appeared she wasn’t the only one who had been taken aback by Oliver and Sara’s actions. 

“Yes! I knew it! I mean, I assumed from the moment he called her Pretty Bird and you know she’s blonde and they looked like super close, which makes sense because he and the Canary were obviously very close... I mean, I wasn’t aware that they were still that close... and man, I can’t believe it! That was the freaking Canary. I mean, she’s like… wow! You know I’ve never actually thought I’d meet her given you know… and then when I learnt what you guys did I thought you know maybe… but then she like left to parts unknown again and I… wow! She’s like… She’s so awesome and amazing and wow! I’m a huge fan! This is exciting!” Cisco rambled excitedly and Kara didn’t understand half of it. It was almost as if the more she learnt about Oliver, the more confused she got.

“Who’s the Canary? I mean, from what I gathered Laurel’s sister and Oliver’s…” girlfriend? She asked and wondered about the man and woman’s relationship and how she should refer to her. 

“Sara, well the Canary was, is, was a vigilante too, the second one after Oliver, actually. They were partners for a while, but while Oliver was more focused on trying to fix the corruption in Star City, Sara mostly went after scumbags that mistreated women. And sort of made a name for herself through that. She’s a very skilled fighter, like Oliver skilled.” Ray explained to her.

“What I don’t get is if she was in town or around, not to parts unknown, why didn’t she help us out? It would’ve been really helpful to have her here too.” Cisco suddenly looked at everyone confused, and Kara had to agree that it was a rather good question. Having Sara help them would’ve made sense, given everything that she was just told about the woman. 

“Sara’s not… she’s…” Laurel started but stopped before she actually gave an explanation.

“Birdy’s currently staying out of the field, because of the side effects that the Lazarus Pit brought with it.” Roy jumped in to help Laurel out. Not that his explanation helped her understand why Sara hadn’t helped them. And what was a Lazarus Pit? Everyone else though seemed to take that as reason enough as an explanation. So, she didn’t ask any more questions.  
  
*******************************************************************************  
  
Kara was surprised when she saw Oliver’s... girlfriend, she guessed given the conversation earlier, enter the room with Green Arrow, Speedy and Arsenal. But what surprised her most was her outfit, the black leather pants were obviously hers and she assumed part of her suit, yet the top half,... the top half was most definitely Oliver’s or used to be, it looked different to his current one, but similar enough to remove all doubt as to whose it was originally.   
  
Why was Sara here, and why would she wear part of Oliver’s suit instead of her own? Kara put her whole focus on the four vigilantes who had just entered the room and it took her a moment to realize that the room full of reporters and politicians had suddenly turned quiet and it was in this silence and because of her focus on Sara and her unexpected outfit that she noticed the sound. She was confused for a moment and couldn’t place it, so she concentrated more on her hearing and what she had heard trying to zero in on it. It almost sounded like… no, that couldn’t be? Or could it? Her eyes went huge when she realized what she was hearing, and she automatically used her x-ray vision and zeroed in on Sara’s stomach to confirm what she had heard. And there it was, proof that she had heard what she thought she did and what she assumed was the real reason as to why the Canary had not helped them out.   
  
What she saw was a tiny little girl, just chilling in her mother’s womb, sucking her thumb. 

What she had heard was the heartbeat of Sara’s unborn daughter.  
  
Sara was pregnant.   
  
With Oliver’s child?  
  
Oliver was going to be a father?

Some of his behavior made a lot more sense to her now.

He must have been terrified that something might happen to his… girlfriend? Wife? That something might happen to the mother of his unborn child. Or to himself.

His reaction to his abduction made so much more sense now. He had come very close of leaving his pregnant ‘Pretty Bird’, that was such a cute nickname and nothing she would’ve expected the stern man to come up with, alone. That must have been terrifying. The thought that he almost never got to see the woman he loved again and never got to meet their child. Of course he’d end up acting irrational. Who wouldn’t given those circumstances?

It didn’t take Kara long to realize that the couple didn’t want people to know about the pregnancy which must have been why Laurel hadn’t known how to answer Cisco’s question earlier.  
  
This additional information about Oliver threw her so much that it took her a moment to realize that a murmur had gone through the room and even longer to notice that it was about the Canary, mostly, but also about the Black Canary. There was surprise and wonder and she heard more than once how people couldn’t believe that the Canary and the Black Canary were in the same room, that they were two different women and that the Canary was not the Black Canary.

There was a lot of awe and respect that the reporters showed to Sara, the Canary. It made Kara wonder about who she was and what she had done to get this kind of attention from the press.

Sara was as much of an enigma as Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I got Kara right, it was really hard to write her, it's been ages since I watched Supergirl but I really wanted to show Oliver and Sara from the perspective of someone who doesn't know either. And Kara was the best fit for that. I hope you guys liked what I did with her and the chapter. If not, let me know.
> 
> CHapter title is from the song "Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem.


	30. As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt I don’t regret it Someday you’ll see the reason why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their behavior was as usual very confusing, they were saying one thing and doing another and at the same time seemed to be withholding a lot of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I'm asking you to please not hate me.
> 
> And as always I do my best to try and do Laurel justice. I love her I swear. She's just in a difficult emotional state right now...
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter.

**Laurel**

The last thing Laurel noticed while leaving the Star Labs Hangar was Oliver making yet another phone call. It hadn’t taken Laurel long to notice Ollie’s slight and uncharacteristically distracted behavior. It wasn’t obvious to anyone who didn’t know him well enough, but very obvious to her and Thea, and probably Felicity and Dig too, maybe even Roy. He’d glance at his phone a lot, text frequently, well for him anyway, and there had been more than one phone call that he had made. All of this while they were facing the threat of an alien invasion, something that would normally warrant his full, undivided attention. Something that should demand his full attention.

And yet Oliver’s mind seemed to be focused on more than this.

It wasn’t hard for her to figure out who was responsible for his split attention.

Sara.

And she had to admit it made sense. And of course he would think about the woman who was carrying his child. That didn’t change the fact that it stung a little.

Hadn’t Oliver told her that it had just been one night, that it had meant nothing, twenty-three days ago when he had shattered her world with the revelation of Sara’s unplanned pregnancy? If it had meant nothing, if it had been just one night, then why, why did they… why did their regular get-togethers remind her of that first disastrous family dinner Sara had brought Oliver to all those years ago? The looks and soft smiles they shared, the affectionate touches, the way they appeared to be in synch with each other and the fact that Sara was usually dressed in a shirt of Oliver’s and they seemed to share a bed.

Their behavior was as usual very confusing, they were saying one thing and doing another and at the same time seemed to withhold a lot of information.

She sometimes wondered why Oliver and Sara had suggested the weekly lunches and dinners. They didn’t really share anything serious or substantial with them. They dodged a lot of questions and avoided talking about the past, the pregnancy and their plans of giving the baby away, anything about their travels that didn’t involve food, landscapes, animals or the occasional anecdote, their mental health struggles or really anything serious. So, why did they invite them to spend time with them? What was the real purpose behind their get-togethers? They had said it was about reconnecting and yet they still kept Thea, their dad and herself at arm’s lengths. Part of her knew that this was a first step. They had taken the first step and it would take time, but still; it was frustrating, and she sometimes wondered if they really wanted to reconnect. They didn’t really seem to give it a chance; they didn’t seem willing to let them in, so how was that supposed to work? How were they supposed to reconnect if there was no genuine attempt at connecting on a deeper level made by either Oliver or Sara?

There seemed to be so many topics that were taboo that it was really hard to figure out what to talk about that wasn’t just idle chitchat. It made it so much harder. All Laurel wanted was to understand. Understand her sister. Understand Oliver. Understand how they ended up in the situation they found themselves in. Understand why they chose to give their baby away. Understand what exactly was going on between them. And that was not including anything from their past. Yet, their refusal to talk about any of it led to her still not being any closer to understanding any of their choices than she had been when she had first found out about Sara’s pregnancy.

And it wasn’t just that…

Laurel just didn’t understand, couldn’t understand… about six months ago Oliver had been engaged to Felicity. He had been willing, even more eager, to spend the rest of his life with her. Oliver loved Felicity so much that he wanted to fully commit to her. That he fought for her. He put his heart on the line for her and shared his feelings with her. Something he wasn’t good at doing. Something he had never been good at. Something he didn’t like to do. Oliver had let himself be vulnerable in front of Felicity because he loved her so much and wanted her to give them another chance. Because he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with her so badly.

And now… now he was in what reminded her of a common law marriage with her sister.

How did he go from being completely committed to Felicity, to the absolute devotion he showed her sister in less than six months?

How could he go from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time?

Did he simply switch and project his feelings for Felicity onto Sara? Because she was carrying his child? But that thought felt wrong the moment it crossed her mind. Oliver cared deeply for Sara, there was no question of that. He always had, and he wouldn’t fake it with her.

Or did it mean he never loved Felicity? But that assumption seemed preposterous. Oliver had obviously been head over heels for the IT-genius. And she was sure that he wasn’t pretending with Sara… so how… how was this possible? How could he… It made little sense to her and she just couldn’t wrap her head around how fast Oliver moved from one blonde to the other? But then again, hadn’t he and Felicity started to have a sort of thing just about the same amount of time after Sara had left Oliver and Star City for the League and Nyssa?

Which was another topic that was off limits, and she just wished they would talk about so she could understand what exactly had happened then. Why Sara had left Oliver. How Oliver had fallen in love with Felicity such a short amount of time after he and Sara had broken up.

Laurel was grateful when her thoughts got interrupted by them arriving at their destination, the building the aliens supposedly held the President hostage in.

**************************************************************************

Laurel quietly stepped away from everyone and the Bridge after it was decided that they would drop Thea off at home and have her stay with Sara and Sin, helping them take care of baby Sara and protect them if need be. Because Thea was severely shaken by the events that had unfolded, by the reality that the Dominators had created. A reality in which her parents had still been alive. A reality in which Tommy was still alive. A reality that had Roy in Thea’s life as her future husband. A reality in which Oliver was happy. A reality in which Thea was and had been a part of her nephew’s life from the moment he had been born. A reality in which Thea felt no guilt concerning Sara, because she was happy.

Thea had had everything she had ever wanted in the reality the Dominators had created. Of course, she was shaken by losing it all at once. Knowing that she had willingly given that perfect life up. It wasn’t hard to relate to her roommate and friend.

She felt the same way, after all. Tommy had been alive. Tommy had been alive! And happy and he and Oliver had been as close as ever, even with the added distance of the two of them living in different cities.

She and Tommy had been dating. Just starting out. Trying to figure out how to navigate the changes in their relationship, just what it meant for their friendship. God, she hadn’t realized just how much she missed Tommy. How she wished things could’ve been different. That they would’ve been able to figure out what they had, what it was between them before Oliver had returned.

Or maybe after she had gotten some closure.

If only she would have known then what she knew now. That she and Oliver had been over for good the moment he had decided to take Sara on the Gambit with him. That there had been no chance for them to reconcile after his return, because it wasn’t what he wanted. She wasn’t what he wanted. If only Oliver had realized that before the night they had spent together. The night that played a part in Tommy’s death. Why hadn’t she seen, why hadn’t she realized what she had had in Tommy? Why hadn’t she just listened to Oliver and stayed home? Stayed safe. Tommy would still be alive if she hadn’t been so stubborn. If only she had for once done what Oliver told her to.

She and Tommy could’ve figured it out. Or if not, if he couldn’t have found it in himself to forgive her, at least he would still be alive. Still be a part of Thea’s life. If not hers and Oliver’s.

She couldn’t believe that she had once again just walked away from Tommy, this time knowing exactly what she was doing, what she was giving up. She could still recall the way it had felt when he hugged her, right before she had turned around and walked away from him. It had been so hard because the reality the aliens had created had felt so real… Tommy had felt so real. Knowing that it hadn’t been, that it had only been a figment of their imagination, in a way at least, was hard to believe. Everything that had happened was really hard to understand. 

How was that even possible? 

But what confused and threw her the most, surprisingly, was the reality that had been created. The specifics of the world that they had been trapped in. It had been so completely different from their reality that it made her wonder how exactly the Dominators had chosen it. What had made them decide that this world that they had created would keep them from wanting to escape? 

Why had they chosen this specific reality?

Of all the things they could’ve created, all the fantasies they could’ve made true, that had to involve all five of them, they chose one where her sister had played a prominent part in it. Even more where she had been happily married to Oliver for almost a decade, but not just that a reality in which Oliver and Sara got together when her sister had just turned nineteen, and got married two years later, yet she had only gotten pregnant now... why this? There could’ve been so many variations, even on how Oliver and Sara could’ve gotten together and ended up married. Why did they choose this version?

The Dominators had created a world in which Oliver had chosen Sara over her, almost eleven years ago.

Was this what Oliver wished had happened? That he and Sara had gotten involved nine months before the Gambit? That they would’ve made it official shortly after she broke up with him because of his betrayals? 

And had it really been something that had been conjured from their combined imagination? Hers and Thea and Dig and Ray and Oliver’s? Parts of it for sure, but it seemed that most of the creation sprang from Oliver’s imagination. The biggest junk of the hallucination had centered on Oliver. With Sara, his pregnant wife and William, William who had been a dominant part of his life for as long as the boy had been alive. Samantha and Oliver sharing custody of their son. Oliver got to raise his son in that reality, with Sara, who had played a major part in the reality that was created as their prison. Even though her sister hadn’t actually been physically present, like the rest of them. Sara’s presence in the fantasy world and the part she had played in it was what had led Laurel to the conclusion that the world that they had been trapped in had been created from Oliver’s imagination and Thea, Dig, Ray and her had been put into it and shaped around it so they would fit into the world they had created for Oliver, to trap him in it. A world that they believed would keep him there, would keep him from fighting. Was that why they made Sara pregnant only now in this version of events? To keep it as close to their reality as possible? Was this also why they didn’t change the part of their past to the extent that Oliver had never cheated on her with Sara? Or was the fact that even in a made up reality they had still betrayed her, something that had sprung from her own mind?

The world the Dominators had created that had been so far from anything she could’ve ever imagined…

Oliver’s ideal reality, according to Ray, who had agreed with her observation and taken it to another level entirely. 

Oliver’s ideal reality. 

His ideal reality was raising his son from birth with his wife Sara as his stepmom. 

Oliver’s ideal reality was that he had been happily married to Sara for almost a decade. They hadn’t just been happy; they had been blissfully happy. And so very excited about their baby. 

It had been such a monumental contrast to their reality in which their child was not something they were happy and excited about, and it was because of that she understood for the first time why they were thinking about giving her niece or nephew up for adoption. She felt like she now understood them better. At least Oliver, but Sara was so much like him.

Oliver’s ideal reality showed them what he wanted, more than anything, and that was to be a happy, excited father to be. He wanted for him and Sara to be the type of parents that were waiting in blissful anticipation for the newest member of their family. For them to be nothing but happy about the baby’s existence. As a parent should be. 

This was what he wanted for his child. 

This was what he felt he couldn’t give his child right now. 

How could she convince him he was wrong? That this was the life he could give his child. That it was within his reach? Maybe not Sara… but again, she didn’t know enough or understand the status of their relationship, but him being that version of himself. That excited, happy father to be. He already was, at least there was a part of him that was. The Dominators had not chosen that reality, had not made Sara pregnant in that reality if it wasn’t a part of who Oliver was. Who he could be. Who he wanted to be. The thoughts and feelings had to be there for them to create an entire world based on them. They had to be because the aliens’ goal had been to keep them trapped in a dream.

She knew Oliver in his bones and she knew that he could be that person he wanted to be. He could reach that version of himself that wanted to be a part of his child’s life, that wanted and could raise it. And be happy about it. Be excited about it. 

She just hoped he realized that before he was making a permanent mistake that he would end up regretting for the rest of his life.

**************************************************************************

“Do you really think now’s the right time for a phone call? We’re about to meet with the President because of an impending alien invasion Oliver, I’m pretty sure Sara survives an hour without hearing from you.” Laurel knew she sounded snippy and sort of like a bitch but she was still reeling from everything that had happened to her, to them while they were held hostage by the Dominators. Trying to process everything that had happened and the conclusion she had come to. She felt raw emotionally from everything and watching Oliver act like the dutiful husband, calling the wife before going into battle apparently didn’t bring out the best in her and stung a little, even more so because she had overheard part of one of their conversations, well Oliver’s side and she realized that he called her sister to talk about what was going on and actually ask her opinion on things. Something he rarely, if ever, did when it came to her or the rest of the Team. He never really asked their opinion or bounced off ideas with them. He just decided on a course of action and stuck with it, no matter if they agreed or not.

Knowing that he actually asked Sara for advice in a battle stung, even more so because Sara was not here, she didn’t know what was going on. She wasn’t a part of this and yet, Oliver still decided to go to Sara instead of her or Dig, or anyone who was actually a part of this battle and knew the people involved. Laurel knew she was being irrational, but everything was just too much.

“She needs to feel useful, Laurel. Staying back, not being here, is really hard on her. It’s a decision she hasn’t made lightly, but she knows it’s the right thing to do. She feels guilty and useless and thinks she’s letting us down. Asking her advice makes her feel useful and means she’s helping us the only way she currently can.” Of course Oliver would say something that made sense to take the wind out of her sails and make her feel even more guilty and worse than before. She was just thinking about something to reply when Oliver beat her to it.

“You ready? We should get going now if we want to be there before the President arrives.” He looked at her expectantly, putting his cell phone away without contacting her sister and offering her a disarming smile, playfully holding his arm out to her. His behavior confused her. There was a time when it wouldn’t have. It was a small glimpse, a call back to the Ollie he used to be, the Oliver he had been in the Dominators reality. And she knew that it was a sort of peace offering on his side. Laurel couldn’t help but return his infectious smile and go along with his playful attitude, linking her arm with his and joining him on the way to Barry and Roy who were waiting for them.

**************************************************************************

“Ollie!” Laurel turned around when she heard her sister’s voice call out to Oliver, wondering if she was hearing things, Sara was back home in Star City, or wasn’t she?

She was surprised when she actually saw Sara rush towards Oliver, who had also turned towards the voice calling out his childhood nickname. He opened his arms and put his weight on the balls of his feet at the same time. Laurel was confused for the split second it took for Sara to jump into their friend’s arms, and he both caught and helped hoist her up and get settled, clinging to his body. He had known, Oliver had known, that Sara was going to literally jump him. He had anticipated her reaction and prepared accordingly. How had he known Sara’s reaction? This was not at all what she had expected. Her sister was not a big fan of public displays of affection, never had been and Oliver knew that too. So, why wasn’t he as surprised by her sister’s actions as she and pretty much everyone else in the room?

She watched their emotional interaction in rapt attention. Hoping that maybe, just maybe she would get a glimpse of something she hadn’t seen before, learn something new. Hoping they would give up another clue, maybe answer a question of hers.

Yet, at the same time she was reminded of that night, the night Oliver had shown up at her and Thea’s doorstep distraught and so very emotional. Looking for Sara. She now, once again, accidentally became a witness to a very private and emotional moment between Oliver and Sara. And like before, she felt like an intruder. She was once again feeling the need to walk away and leave them alone, give them some privacy. The parallels to that night were almost eerie, even more so when she realized that her sister was crying, holding on to Oliver for dear life. Telling him he couldn’t leave her, that she couldn’t do this without him. Laurel felt a pang and her heart constrict painfully. Seeing Sara this vulnerable, knowing that she would hate this, hate the fact that everyone was watching her fall apart in Oliver’s arms. Knowing that Sara would’ve never let that happen, had the situation been different. Laurel was just about to turn away and herd everyone out of the room to provide the pair with some well-deserved privacy when Oliver kissed her sister. And for some reason she couldn’t turn away, she couldn’t move her eyes away from them. She was mesmerized by the raw emotion, the multitude of feelings they seemed to convey in that one single, very passionate kiss. But it was what came after, when they came up for air that had her feet trapped in place, rooted to the floor beneath them. 

“I love you.”

Oliver’s words stunned her, even though part of her only felt confirmed in something that she had realized nine months ago. She had known that night that Oliver had shown up at Thea and her apartment to see Sara, their interaction, she had known but still… his words hurt, his confirmation of her suspicion hurt. She knew that it shouldn’t but it still did. It almost felt like Sara took that last thing away, the last thing she had when it came to Oliver that her sister didn’t have. She knew it was silly, childish even, but until now she could at least pretend that... that what? That Oliver at least hadn’t loved Sara? Didn’t love Sara? It wasn’t as if it changed anything. Whether or not he loved her sister didn’t change any of the facts. And the facts were that Oliver had chosen Sara over her numerous time, even while claiming he loved her. So having him confess his feelings to Sara now, in front of everyone, changed nothing concerning that fact and the relationship she had with her ex-boyfriend. But still... it felt like something had just fundamentally changed.

This felt final. 

Almost as if... 

Laurel turned towards Felicity when Oliver walked away, with Sara still in his arms. The look on the blonde’s face confirmed what she felt. Felicity had noticed it too. 

Oliver had just sealed their fate. There was no going back now. 

He had made his choice. For good.

Laurel suddenly realized that Sara had never returned Oliver’s sentiment. He had told her he loved her and she had simply told him she was aware of that. No, I love you too, no nothing. And Oliver didn’t seem to have cared about her sister’s lack of reciprocation.

 _I’ve known since Lian Yu… I’ve known since Lian Yu…_ her sister’s words kept on repeating in her head. _I’ve known since Lian Yu… since Lian Yu…_ of course she knew that Sara had been on the Island with Oliver, she had learnt about the fact that Sara had been on Lian Yu with Ollie for some of the time they’ve been away, but again, she didn’t know for how long or when exactly and what had happened. All she knew is what she and her dad had learnt from Ra’s al Ghul and Nyssa. And that wasn’t much. Oliver never actually talked about or shared any information about it with them. She had wondered for a while and then almost forgotten about it. Until now.

_I’ve known since Lian Yu._

Ollie had looked surprised by Sara’s words, which did not help clear up her own confusion and just made her wonder more.

_You’ve always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions._

What did she mean by that? She was right of course, Oliver had never and still wasn’t good when it came to understanding his emotions and giving word to them, but what exactly did Sara mean? What was she saying?

_You’ve always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions… I’ve known since Lian Yu…_

What was she saying? Was she saying Oliver had been in love with her sister for longer than that? That Sara had simply only realized it on Lian Yu? Or what was she saying?

Or was her sister saying something else entirely, and she was simply projecting a meaning to the words that did not actually collaborate with the truth? Was she questioning and interpreting more into those sentences than was actually true because this would be the meaning she was afraid of? Because she was afraid to learn the truth on how Sara and Oliver ended up screwing behind her back. She had never asked; she had attacked them, accused them of things.

There had been ‘ _How could you_ ’s, and ‘ _she was my sister_ ’s or ‘ _with MY boyfriend’_ s…

but she had never asked them why.

Because she wasn’t sure she wanted to know why. Was actually afraid to learn about the why. It was easier to not know for sure. To not have them confirm or deny some of her worst fears. Ignorance was bliss after all, but was it? Maybe her mom was right. Maybe it was time she started to ask those questions she still wasn’t sure she wanted the answers to, but she needed to know. She needed to know why. Why, she hadn’t been enough for Oliver. Why Sara had betrayed her like this. She needed to know why Oliver had chosen Sara over her. What her sister had that she didn’t.

And maybe once she knew once they’ve given her the answers, she could finally move past it. For good. Accept it as something bad that had happened in the past, that shaped her into who she was, but that didn’t define her. Maybe then she could look at Sara and Oliver without any negative feelings. Could wish with all of her heart that they would figure this out, that they could work through whatever it was and chose to keep and raise their baby together as a family. And genuinely be happy for them when they did. 

All she wanted was for Oliver and Sara to be happy and to be able to be happy for them too, without feeling any resentment. God, she wished that getting those answers would take care of those negative feelings. Let her finally move on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah... let me know what you think.
> 
> Just a little fyi, it might still be quite a few chapters away but the talk between Sara and Laurel is almost entirely written and part of the one between Oliver and Laurel too. I can't say yet when it will happen but I'm happy I've written most of it. 
> 
> So I've been feeling a little off lately and I hope it hasn't affected my writing. I'm sorry if it has...I'm working on solving the issues
> 
> Chapter titel is from the song 'Good in goodbye' by Carrie Underwood.


	31. I need you to know, I would never be this strong without you You've seen how I've grown, you took all my doubts, 'cause you were home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remembering that moment brought back the same thoughts she’s had back then, wondering how they ended up being so secure in their relationship that they were amused about skeletons in their closets that may come back to try and kill them. She would really love to find out more about them. And who they used to be before Lian Yu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry that I haven’t updated in forever. Things have been very weird lately and I needed to figure some stuff out. 
> 
> Also I was sorta stuck. I know where I’m going and I have some future stuff written but I wasn’t sure how to proceed to get to where I want to go from where I am right now. 
> 
> Also I sort of started to reread the whole story and edit some stuff and inconsistencies I noticed, given that I’m sort of posting as I’m writing and things change because the way I was going to go didn’t work anymore with some of the choices I made so far. So I tried to figure out how to solve those issues and to proceed. Like I’ve said before I have never written such a long story before and am figuring things out as I go. 
> 
> I hope I can manage to get back to my update schedule from before but I’m not making any promises. Thank you for your understanding.

**Felicity**

“Ollie!”

There were exactly three women she knew that called him that, two of which were at home in Star City. Or at least they were supposed to be as far as she knew, and she was talking to the third one. Felicity and everyone she’d been talking to turned around as one by the sound of Oliver’s childhood nickname, to see what was going on.

The scene that played out in front of her eyes surprised her on more than one level. She watched Sara rush to Oliver’s side, jumping into his arms. Oliver, who was still wearing the Green Arrow’s suit, caught her effortlessly and almost habitually, holding on to her tightly once she had wrapped herself around the tall man. The whole scene had looked almost rehearsed. Almost as if they’ve done this a million times before… and maybe they had. Maybe this was something that Sara used to do before… before they got shipwrecked.

Felicity had spent a lot of time thinking about Oliver’s words. More specifically, the part when he mentioned Sara was someone he had known for over twenty years. She had of course known that they’ve known each other for a long time, but she hadn’t been aware of just how long.

They grew up together.

Oliver and Sara and Laurel grew up together. Which meant there was a lot of backstory she was missing. It probably also meant that Oliver’s affair with Sara might have been more complex than she had thought. That things weren’t what they seemed. Maybe. She didn’t actually know that. She didn’t really know anything about Oliver’s affair with Sara or how it came to be. Just like she didn’t really know anything about Oliver’s relationship with Laurel. She knew that he had loved her. And yet he had cheated on her with her sister. Sure. But she didn’t know any specifics. And she suddenly realized that no one actually did. Because Oliver never shared any information about his relationships with Laurel and Sara before Lian Yu. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She and Dig had never actually asked him about his connection with the Lance sisters, beyond the obvious. They never actually questioned him as to why they were so important to him and he was willing to risk everything for either of them.

He had known them for over twenty years.

Oliver had known Laurel and Sara for longer than Thea was alive.

It had taken Oliver getting angry at her for her to realize that.

The scene playing out in front of her ripped her back into reality.

And she wasn’t sure if she saw right. And even less heard right.

“I love you.”

Hearing him say those words to another woman hurt. It hurt more than she thought it would. The fact that it was Sara didn’t help. Neither did the words the blonde spoke as a reply.

“I know. I’ve known since Lian Yu.”

Because it was Sara, and Felicity had always felt an insecurity when it came to the other woman, she had always wondered about Oliver and his feelings for Sara. Because Sara was the one woman, the one woman Oliver wasn’t willing to give up, the one woman he had fought for to keep her in his life. The one woman he had risked everything for more than once.

He had risked his relationship with Laurel for her. Laurel, who he had always claimed he loved so much. Yet, he hadn’t loved her enough to keep his hands off Sara.

It made her wonder, and not for the first time, that if Sara hadn’t left Oliver, if she hadn’t died… would Oliver and she have ever gotten involved? If Sara hadn’t removed herself from the equation, would Oliver ever even have fallen in love with her?

Felicity watched them intently with a heavy heart, realizing for the first time that she and Oliver were over.

For good.

And it was all her fault. She had left him, but not just that, she had driven him away with her actions. She had been the reason that he had felt the need to leave. She had been the one who pushed him away, with as much force as she could muster. She had made him run, run from her. She had made him run all the way back into Sara’s arms.

That moment would stay with Felicity for a long time. 

The way Oliver had looked at Sara… she couldn’t remember Oliver ever looking at her like that. Couldn’t recall Oliver ever looking at anyone like that.

Like Sara was his entire world, the only thing that mattered.

**************************************************************************

Felicity was taken aback by the sight that she was greeted with when she turned towards the door. Roy, Thea, Oliver and Sara came through it as a group, everyone had been wondering where the four had gone off to… but that wasn’t what had taken her aback… well she guessed more accurately would have been Arsenal, Speedy, Green Arrow and Canary, except that given Sara’s outfit Green Canary might be more appropriate, because she was wearing Oliver’s old suit jacket over her own suit, well at least the pants. She really doubted that Sara would’ve managed to get into the very tight top half of her outfit. Thinking about it now, she seriously wondered how the pregnant woman had managed to get into her equally tight pants.

Felicity wondered and questioned for a moment why Sara was in her old suit. And then the journalists and politicians started to notice the Canary’s presence too, and it was suddenly very quiet in the room as a hush fell over it. Felicity looked around for a moment and saw the shocked and intrigued faces she turned around once and ended up facing her team again, that was when she saw Sara, strong, not backing down from anything Sara, waver, she seemed to suddenly feel uncomfortable and looked about ready to bolt. And then Oliver put his hand on her shoulder and smiled at her, while Thea took her hand and started to drag her towards the stage, Roy putting his hand on her arm encouragingly. She saw Oliver bent down and whisper something to her, Roy nodding in agreement, and Sara looked around the room once more before straightening her shoulders and walking forward.

It was while watching the interaction between those four that she figured out what they were doing and why they were doing it.

They were using this unique opportunity to make sure Sara got the recognition she deserved. Felicity was sure that after today, everyone would know just what the Canary had done for Star City and especially the women in the Glades, and she couldn’t help herself and started to clap and cheer in support of her friend. Of the hero she had first learnt about through the police scanners and news, the mystery woman attacking attackers. She was grinning from ear to ear and watching Sara proudly, while she stood on stage next to Oliver and Roy.

***************************************************************************

Sara was her friend. Felicity was sure of that, had been sure of that for years. But then why, why did she suddenly feel she didn’t know her at all? Watching Sara interact with Oliver and Roy, and his Team, all relaxed and laid back, even with Thea close by, made her wonder and realize that maybe she didn’t really know Sara after all.

She was suddenly reminded of her and Oliver’s argument almost a month ago, and how he had pointed out exactly that.

She didn’t know Sara, not really, she never really took the time to get to know the other woman. And Oliver had been right with what he had said.

_“… a woman I have known for over twenty years and my relationship with her. Someone you called your friend while telling me that the way I was grieving her was wrong. You have no idea, no idea what she’s going through…”_

His words had been harsh, but she had to admit, there had also been a lot of truth in them. Especially when it came to Sara and her feelings towards Sara. She had felt threatened from the moment the Canary had joined Team Arrow, and not just because of her involvement with Oliver, which had stung but because she had so much in common with the boys. Because they had loved her, because she had fit right in with them. Sara had been one of them, they had respected her in a way and on a level Felicity had never felt they did her. She was the tech support who needed to be protected. No one had tried to protect Sara, because Sara didn’t need to be protected, Sara had been the one who had done the protecting.

Oliver had just integrated her in the Team with no question, no explanation, no nothing. One day it had been Oliver, Dig, Roy and her and the next Sara had been a part of it. Without warning or letting them know. Oliver had just pulled her into his team and made her second in command, just like that. And it had thrown her. Because Oliver didn’t trust easily, Oliver had gotten so mad at her and Dig after they had told Barry about the Green Arrow to save his life, yet he just made room for Sara, created a space for her that hadn’t been there before and just expected them all to be fine and roll with it. She had logically known that Oliver and Sara had known each other for a long time, just like he and Laurel, yet that had never actually crossed her mind or played into her thoughts when she wondered why he just thrust Sara in their team and trusted her more than anyone else. She had known that Oliver and the Lance sisters had known each other for a long time but she had never realized, until Oliver had actually pointed it out to her, that they had known each other for more than twenty years, they had actually known each other for longer than Thea had been alive. That was a long time, and a lot of things concerning Oliver and his behavior towards both Lance sisters made so much more sense now. 

Sara’s direct, no-nonsense attitude or reserved personality hadn’t helped. The way she talked and held herself had been in statements and facts. Sara had intimidated her. And she hadn’t known what to make of the woman.

She had felt threatened as the Team’s “Girl”.

Especially after she had overheard a conversation between the couple shortly after the events with the Clock King. She hadn’t been able to make out Sara’s words, just the teasing edge to them, but she had had no trouble making out Oliver’s amused ones.

_“You know me, Sar, I don’t fuck with girls, too much drama, I like women.” She had heard Sara snort in amusement and could see Oliver smirk at her, his hand on her tight, while he was leaning in to capture the blonde’s lips in a passionate kiss._

She had felt like an idiot. Even though to this day she didn’t know whether they had even been talking about her or not. But simply the fact that she had referred to herself as a girl and Oliver had in return called her a girl too while he was obviously looking at Sara as a woman, given his words, had been reason enough for her to feel like a fool and insecure about her friend’s girlfriend.

Yet, Sara had been nothing but kind to her. Even after she had been a little cold and snappish towards her. Sara had still offered her help and support. And tried to ease the tension Oliver’s attitude sometimes created.

She would never forget Sara’s reaction when she learnt about Helena. Felicity had been completely taken by surprise by Sara’s reaction. She still wasn’t sure that she remembered it correctly. And she would never understand how Sara could’ve reacted the way she did after learning about her boyfriend’s psychotic ex.

Sara had been amused.

Not jealous, not angry, not any other reaction that would’ve been normal.

No, she had been amused and teased Oliver about it.

Remembering that moment brought back the same thoughts she’s had back then, wondering how they ended up being so secure in their relationship that they were amused about skeletons in their closets that may come back to try and kill them. She would really love to find out more about them. And who they used to be before Lian Yu.

Felicity swore then and there that she would make more of an effort and get to know Sara better.

**************************************************************************

**Sara**

Ollie turned around and walked out of the room with her still in his arms. She didn’t know where they were going, not that it mattered. There was no place on earth she wouldn’t let him carry her to, no place she wouldn’t follow him to. 

He seemed to have reached their destination when he slightly shifted her in his arms again, so he could sit down, still holding on to her and making sure she was sitting in his lap. He leaned forward and gave her another lingering kiss that she happily returned, she would’ve been more than willing to take it further, but Ollie ended the kiss sooner than she wanted to and took her wandering hands in order to keep her from undressing him then and there, chuckling at her.

“As much as I like the direction you’re trying to take this, and believe me I really, really do, we don’t have a lot of time before the President will arrive and it’s important I talk to you before she does.” 

Oh, she was very aware of how much he wanted to... it was kinda hard to ignore, no pun intended, well maybe a little intended, given the fact that she was sitting in his lap. She demonstratively shifted in his lap and pouted at his words. He had been abducted by fucking aliens. She had almost lost him again, and her hormones were seriously out of whack right now and driving her crazy. Besides, him being in his leathers did not help her situation at all, even less the proof of the effect she was having on him.

She had forgotten just how hot he looked in his suit.

“How bout a quickie? Or you know, multitasking, I do all the work while you talk...” she tried to convince him, biting his ear. 

Oliver groaned lowly at her words and actions, cursing in Russian... looking at her in annoyed exasperation. She just cocked an eyebrow in a challenge, looking innocently at him, while she shifted again, racking her nails over his neck. So, what if she used the fact that she knew him and what he liked against him? Or how to get what she wanted from him to her advantage? It wasn’t as if he’d never done the same or wouldn’t do the same if their situations were reversed. 

“Sar...” he started, but he sounded slightly winded and seemed to be in a lot of discomfort, so it ended up more like a groan. Looked like she was seriously getting to him now.

“Hmmm…” she used her other hand to tug at his hair, so he had to bend his head to the side and she could rack her nails down his neck, into his suit towards his shoulder.

“Sara... hold on. We need to... this is important, wait, we need to talk. There’s plenty of time for this later. And I promise, I’ll make it up to you.” She let him finish before bending down and kissing him hard and deep, making sure that he knew exactly what she was more than willing to give him right here, right now. Once they needed to part to catch their breaths, she shifted back a little to put some space in between them.

“Fine. Go ahead, talk. But you owe me, big time.” She finally relented, looking forward to him making it up to her, because she knew he always delivered.

*******************************************************************************

“I don’t know Ollie. I didn’t do anything to help.” Sara wasn’t sure about his idea or how everyone else would perceive it. She had done nothing to help them fight the aliens. She had been safely enclosed in their apartment in Star City. Besides, it wasn’t like she had her suit with her, or would fit into it if she had. There was no way for them to conceal her pregnancy in her suit, and the last thing either of them wanted was for the whole damn world and everyone with a grudge against them to know about their baby and her vulnerable state.

“Are you serious? You let me bounce off ideas and help me come up with or improve my plans. You also provided me with a place to give voice to my frustrations, I swear I would’ve shot Barry and Cisco at least once each if I wouldn’t have been able to talk to you and get rid of my frustration that way. And if you wouldn’t have reminded me why shooting them was a bad idea.” Ollie looked at her as if she had lost her mind. 

Huh, it never crossed her mind that talking to her had actually had such an impact on Ollie. That she had helped him. That she hadn’t been useless, as she perceived.

“Besides, it doesn’t matter whether you helped this time around or not. You would’ve been here with us if you could’ve. That’s all that matters. And you have done plenty and helped so many people… it’s about time you get some recognition for it. And believe me, no one’s going to object to that. Trust me.” He put his hand on her cheek and looked at her with so much conviction, tenderness and pride that she could do nothing but to agree with him. It wasn’t fair. How was anyone supposed to tell him no, when he looked at them this way?

“Okay. But how… what are we going to do about the pregnancy? Kinda hard to hide it in my corset.” She brought up the most challenging part of his plan.

*******************************************************************************

Sara was slightly amused when Roy and Thea told her about the solution they’ve come up with to hide her pregnancy from the public’s eye.

She turned to Ollie and looked at him bemused, a look her friend returned. She cocked an eyebrow while turning to Roy, who just winked at her and smirked. All three of them knew it was far from the first time that she’d be donning the top half of Ollie’s old suit... there had been more than one occasion where Roy had walked into the Foundry after a late night and Dig and Felicity had already left and she had grabbed the first piece of clothing within reach to cover herself up. Given his smirk, she was sure he recalled those incidents too, and they were at least partially responsible for him coming up with this idea. And to be fair, it wasn’t far-fetched on Thea’s side either to decide to put her in her brother’s clothes... after all, she was still preferring Ollie’s shirts over the maternity ones her mom had made her buy. She wore the pants, but she refused to wear the shirts. 

Ollie’s were far more comfortable, and they smelled like him, mostly because she wore them after he had put them on for a few hours or a day... but that was beside the point. Ollie’s shirts helped keep her grounded. Her sense of smell was different, and a lot of scents she used to be fine with made her queasy now, so wearing Ollie’s shirts gave her something to smell in those situations that eased the queasiness. She had been told by more than one person, that she could just spray his cologne on her clothes in that case, but they didn’t get it. All that would do was make her clothes smell like Ollie’s cologne, not like Ollie, because what was missing in that scenario was the scent that was uniquely Ollie. An odor she had gotten accustomed to during their months together on Lian Yu. His cologne had changed over the years, but his base scent had not. And that was actually what calmed her down, made her feel safe, what she associated with home. The unique scent that was simply Ollie, a scent she had only ever really registered on Lian Yu where he obviously hadn’t been wearing any cologne or used any fragranced soap, or any soap really, to wash himself. It was one reason it didn’t bother her to snuggle up to him right after he had worked out or come out of a fight and smelled like sweat and possibly blood and dirt; it was a combination she had gotten accustomed to on the Island. It was a smell that represented home to her, just as much as Ollie’s scent did right after a shower, or while they had been travelling or when they were just spending a day at home and he didn’t bother with cologne. 

Not that she would ever admit any of this to anyone. Ever! She had a reputation to uphold, after all. And Roy would never let her live it down if he learnt the truth.

*******************************************************************************

Sara walked into the room with Ollie, Roy and Thea and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw just how many people there were. This was a bad idea. She couldn’t do this. This was too much. What if… she was about ready to turn around and walk back out the way she came in when she felt the heavy weight of a very familiar hand on her shoulder, only moments before a small hand grabbed one of hers and another strong hand encouragingly touched her arm. Sara turned her head to look at Ollie, Ollie who smiled at her and looked at her with so much pride in his eyes. He gave her a soft nod before bending towards her to whisper in her ear.

“C’mon Pretty Bird, you can do this. I’m right here with you, I’m not leaving your side. Together.” His words gave her the strengths she needed, and she pulled back her shoulders and straightened her back, returning his smile with a soft one of her own. She wrapped her fingers around Thea’s hand in hers and lifted her other one to squeeze Roy’s on her arm in silent thanks, before letting Thea drag her forward and towards the stairs. Amidst a quiet mumble of the press and everyone else present.

Sara felt very uncomfortable and insecure standing on the stage, being scrutinized by everyone in the room. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t do anything to earn this. She didn’t belong here. She didn’t belong here on stage with everyone else. She wasn’t a hero. She wasn’t a hero like them. She looked towards the crowd again, watching them watch her. Fear gripped her heart, what if, what if they found out? What if just one person out here suspected that she was pregnant? It would put her baby in danger. It would put her baby in even more danger than it already was. Sara could feel her lungs constrict and her breathing turn painful, it was in that moment that Ollie’s hand interlocked with her’s. She turned her head slightly in his direction, just enough that she could catch his eyes. His beautiful eyes that were gazing at her softly. She could feel his fingers squeezing hers encouragingly while his thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of her hand. Breathing became easier again and she could feel herself relax.

She slowly returned her eyes back to the crowd, and it was at that moment that she could hear Felicity call her vigilante name and cheer for her. She sought out her friend in the midst of everyone and focused on her friendly face.

*******************************************************************************

“You smell and taste different.” Ollie’s unexpected words surprised Sara. They’ve been quietly basking in each other’s arms, after Ollie had finally gotten around to making good on his word and make his earlier refusal up to her. It had taken longer than she would’ve liked though.

There had been the ceremony, and the official party after the ceremony and then the after party with just the teams and then the debate whether everyone should already head back home or if they should all spend the night and the following day just to hang out and get to know each other better. To both her any Ollie’s dismay, they’ve been overruled and everyone was spending the night and following day together. Well, at least that decision had led to Ollie excusing both of them right after and taking her to one of the rooms that were a part of the Star Labs Hangar.

“It’s the hormones” she replied automatically, still confused by his words. They’ve had sex before in the last couple of months. Was he only now noticing that, or why was he sharing that with her now when he never had before?

“I know.” Was all he said while kissing and nibbling on her shoulder, collarbone and neck, she was sure she was going to end up with at least one hickey if he kept it up.

“Different in a bad way?” Fine, if he was just throwing that out there and leaving it hang between them without elaborating at least a little, she was going to dig to get more information on what he meant and why he was bringing it up now.

“No, just different.” He lifted his head and stopped his ministrations just long enough to answer her before he actually licked a trail from her shoulder all the way up to her chin, to then kiss the rest of the way up until he could capture her lips with his in a passionate kiss. 

“Don’t worry, Pretty Bird, you’re still my favorite flavor.” His words were spoken teasingly, and he was grinning at her before returning his lips back to hers, letting his hands trail down her body until they reached her hips and he flipped her around the next time their lips parted to get some more air. So, her back was facing his chest now. One of his hands was moving down until he reached her tight, lifting it and throwing her leg over his, all the while nibbling on her neck again.

“Ollie…” His name came out sounding breathless, and it didn’t take long for her to forget her train of thoughts and pretty much anything that wasn’t directly related to Ollie’s ministrations…

*******************************************************************************

Sara had woken up a while ago, she’s been watching Ollie sleep ever since. She still couldn’t believe what had happened. She couldn’t believe Ollie just changed the rules on her with no warning whatsoever. 

She couldn’t believe that Ollie had told her he loved her. 

Even less in front of everyone. Not that she hadn’t known. She had since Lian Yu, like she told him. 

Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood for her. After he had refused to when he should’ve done it. When it might have changed the outcome of events. He executed him in cold blood when he no longer had any reason to. Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood so she didn’t have to. If she’d had any doubt concerning his feelings for her after all the times he had thrown himself between her and a gun, it would’ve been gone then for sure.

It was just that they didn’t do this. They didn’t do shit like this. They didn’t talk about their feelings for each other. They didn’t... because... because they didn’t do this... because how was she... how was he... how were they supposed to move on, go on with their lives without each other now after he told her... she couldn’t... she couldn’t tell him... she just couldn’t tell him... because she knew... she knew that once she did, there was no going back... no more walking away... once she told him she loved him she would be done for. She wouldn’t... if she ever lost him again... how was she supposed to go on? How could she go on? People couldn’t seriously expect her to, right? But then again, what about their baby? So how could she tell him, how could she bind herself to him in this way, knowing that once she did there was no more walking away, no more running away? She would be his forever, well she already was, had been for years, but it would be different.

There would be no more moving on, no more Nyssa’s or Felicity’s. 

If they’d fuck it up again, they’d both be done for. 

Destined to spend the rest of their lives alone. Could she risk this? Was she willing to risk this? Could she really commit to him like this? 

She knew she loved him. There wasn’t even a question about that. Had for more years than she cared to admit. But admitting it to herself and saying it out loud, to Ollie no less, were two entirely different things. 

How could she tell him, knowing that eventually she was going to walk away from him again? Because it was the right thing to do. Because she was dangerous and a monster, and he deserved so much better. He deserved to be with someone whose hands weren’t painted in red. Someone who wasn’t a monster. And damaged beyond repair. Ollie deserved only the very best, and that wasn’t her. It never had and it never will be. 

She was a monster and always would be.

“A kiss for your thoughts.” She blinked in surprise and realized that Ollie was awake and looking straight at her while his hand was softly stroking her side. From the look on his face, she concluded he had been doing all of it for a while already. 

“I… nothing, it’s nothing. Not important.” She tried to get out of having this conversation right now. She didn’t want to have it ever, but least of all right now. She didn’t want to ruin the mood, she didn’t want to have the possible argument that would result from it here, in Central City where too many people would be subjected and become witnesses to yet another private moment between them that was not meant to be shared with anyone else. It could at least wait until they were back home and alone. 

“Sara…” he looked at her the way he did when he knew she was lying, and his voice had that specific tone to it that he again only ever used when he knew she was refusing to tell him something that was important. 

“It doesn’t matter. Not enough to talk about it right now. I’ll tell you when we’re home. I promise.” There was no point in trying to get out of telling him at all, but she might get out of telling him now. Which would also buy her more time to figure out what to say exactly. How to stop things from getting more serious than they already were. This was never supposed to happen. They were never supposed to happen again. They were supposed to be done. For good. She should’ve never let them get to this point again. She was only going to hurt him again. She was only going to break his heart again. She wasn’t sure she could bear it. She could bear being the cause of his pain again. She wished, just for a moment, she wished that things could be simpler. That she wouldn’t have to hurt him again. She just wanted to pretend, just for a moment, she just wanted to pretend that everything would be fine. That they would be fine.

Sara looked at Ollie, watched him analyze her and weighting the pros and cons on pushing her to tell him what was bothering her or letting it go for now and bringing it back up once they were home.

“I’m pretty sure you promised me breakfast and I’m starving.” She decided to change the subject for now. And food was always a good way to go. Ollie had made it his priority to make sure that she ate properly and regularly.

“You’re right. Well, then let’s get up, there’s this nice Diner close by that serves pancakes, just the way you like them.” Ollie gave her another lingering stare before kissing her softly and getting up in order to get dressed and take her to get breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry for not updating in forever. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you thought. 
> 
> I am trying really hard to get Felicity to be the lovable, funny and little goofy character that she was in Season One and Two of Arrow. I hope the way I'm writing her and her character 'growth' is realistic and makes sense. 
> 
> Oliver and Sara's relationship has always been very physical and it is a way for them to ensure each other of their presence and that they are not alone while at the same time giving them a way to forget the world and their trauma for a moment. 
> 
> Okay and just because Oliver figured out what he wants, does not mean that Sara did too, sorry! 
> 
> Chapter Title is from the song "Control" by Zoe Wees


	32. Little me Please forgive me I couldn't see You hurting inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was shortly taken back to three years ago when Sara had told her the same thing, right before she left with Nyssa to rejoin the League.  
> “Oliver needs you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I deleted this chapter again, I reread it once more and I was really not happy with it. So I edited and changed somethings. 
> 
> Like I said before, I did my best, it was really difficult to write. I hope things make sense... and it doesn't paint anyone in a bad light, please let me know if it did that was never my intention...

**Laurel**

Laurel looked at her sister sitting on the couch across from her and wondered if this was a good idea. She knew she was the one who had asked for this. This had been her idea. It had taken her almost another month after the Dominators had trapped her, Oliver, Thea, Dig and Ray in the reality they had created just for them, to get up the courage to confront Sara alone, in her and Oliver’s kitchen, during one of their weekly lunches, to ask for this meeting.

Part of her hadn’t expected Sara to agree. Had actually hoped she wouldn’t.

Even less to ask her to come by whenever it was convenient for her. And that Ollie would leave to give them privacy. It had taken her yet another week to gather the courage to finally get to her current situation. She had unexpectedly been able to leave work early today and had figured this was her chance. So, she had gone straight to her sister’s place after leaving the District Attorney’s office. Oliver had been the one to answer the door, unsurprisingly.

Laurel wondered for a moment if there was more to it than chivalry on the male’s part. She couldn’t recall Sara answering the door once since they’ve moved back more than two months ago. Was it a safety percussion?

Oliver had been the perfect host as usual, asking her if he could get her something to drink and eat, how her day was and just small talking while ushering her inside and to the living room. He got her the coffee she had asked for and also brought a pot and another cup and some biscuits along. He let her know Sara would be here shortly and excused himself. She could hear hushed voices for a moment and then the front door just as her sister stepped into the living room.

They proceeded with some small talk while Sara got comfortable on the couch across from her. They had been sitting in silence for a while now. The blonde had slowly been drinking her tea, looking deep in thought.

Laurel suddenly wondered if maybe it would’ve been better if Oliver had stayed. Facing both of them together might have been easier… Or maybe not.

Maybe she shouldn’t do this at all and just leave the past in the past.

Laurel was still contemplating her decision and wondering if she should just tell Sara that she changed her mind when her sister started talking.

“Look, Laurel, I… we… neither Ollie nor I ever meant to hurt you. And believe me, I know how that sounds coming from me and after everything we’ve done to you… but you have to believe me, the last thing we ever meant to do was hurt you. We never planned for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on as long as it did.” Sara looked so earnest and remorseful while telling her this. And yes, it was hard to believe that hurting her had never been their intention, and the last thing they’ve ever meant to do. What did they think would happen? How did they think it would end? They couldn’t actually have thought that there was any way this would play out without her getting hurt? Could they?

Her sister paused for a moment, almost as if she were waiting for something. Laurel looked up from her coffee just to end up trapped in the very intense blue eyes of her baby sister, who started talking again as soon as she had caught her gaze.

“I swear I’ll tell you everything you want to know, I’ll answer all of your questions, just… I just need you to… please just promise me you won’t get mad at Ollie, you can hate me, I’m actually pretty sure that you will and that’s fine, I deserve it but please don’t hate Ollie. He needs you. They both do.” Laurel listened intently to her sister’s words and was surprised when she asked her not to hate Oliver and watched her taken aback when Sara put a hand on her pregnant stomach, telling her that both Oliver and their baby would need her.

She had been surprised at first when she learnt that Oliver decided to keep the baby and raise it by himself, given the fact that Sara had not changed her mind and still refused to be a part of its life. Something Laurel just couldn’t understand, even less now that Oliver was going to raise the baby. Oliver’s choice would’ve surprised her under normal circumstances, at least after everything she had learnt since both Oliver and Sara had come home, but even more so given Oliver’s choice when it came to William. And his decision to give up his son in order to give him a normal life and protect him. She wondered what had changed Oliver’s mind and why he decided to give up one child, yet keep the other… but he wasn’t talking and neither was Sara.

She was shortly taken back to three years ago when Sara had told her the same thing, right before she left with Nyssa to rejoin the League.

_“Oliver needs you.”_

She wasn’t sure if she could make that promise or keep it if she did. Just like she wasn’t sure anymore that she really wanted to have this conversation and learn the truth about Sara and Oliver’s affair all those years ago.

“Sara, I get what you’re trying to do, and I can’t, I can’t promise you I won’t be mad at Oliver. But what I can promise you is that it won’t change the fact that I will be there for him and for your baby. This is the best I can do, the best I can offer you.” She decided honesty was the best approach on her end too. Sara was willing to explain the reasons that had led to her betrayal all those years ago. It was the least she could do in return.

“Okay, that’s fair. Thank you.” Her sister gave her a grateful half smile.

The words _“We never meat for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on for as long as it did”_ were stuck in her head. Was she talking about their on and off sort of relationship during the last five years or the actual affair? And if it was the affair Sara was talking about, did she really want to know? Did she really want to know just how long it had been going on? She wasn’t sure anymore.

“The first time we kissed was the night Ollie got arrested for his DUI. We had sex for the first time six weeks later. We were very drunk, and Ollie bailed in the morning before I woke up. We avoided each other for weeks after that.” Laurel felt as if her sister had just punched her in the face. She did not expect her to just come out with it like this. She didn’t know how she had expected Sara to tell her, but not like this. She didn’t know what she had expected, but not for her sister to just state harsh, cold facts.

“After that, it ended up being something we’d end up doing whenever we were drunk and at the same party or club. It wasn’t… it was just drunken hook-ups… it didn’t really mean… it was just sex… at least until… I don’t know… my nineteenth birthday, I guess… maybe. At least that was the first time we were both stone cold sober when we slept together.” Sara stopped again, looking deep in thought, contemplating something. Maybe reliving old memories?

Laurel felt overwhelmed about all the information her sister was providing her with in a very short amount of time. She was trying to process it all while her mind automatically started to do the math… counting… it had started when Oliver got his DUI, Sara had still been in High School when he got his DUI… she had started her second year of college right before they went on the Gambit together… her nineteenth birthday… one and a half years…

Sara and Oliver had been screwing behind her back for almost one and a half years.

She couldn’t believe it. How had she not seen it? How hadn’t anyone seen it? So, for about nine months it was “just drunken sex”? And then what had it been for the other nine months? Laurel wasn’t sure she could handle any more than she had already learnt, but Sara seemed determined to come clean.

Almost as if she were in a confessional and Laurel was the preacher, forced to listen to everything she was sharing in order to decide whether or not she could be absolved of her sins.

“From that moment on, things changed. He’d show up at my college or take me away for a couple of days, we’d hang out… just do things couples would do, sort of, I guess… I mean I was never… going to fancy dinners and stuff like that was never my thing so we never did those type of things… but still… he’d take me to places he knew I liked…” Laurel suddenly felt sick to her stomach. There were so many moments, situations that sprung to her mind now… moments when she should’ve known what was going on. She should’ve known… at the very least during that last conversation she’s had with her sister before… before Sara ran away with Oliver.

_“Who are you texting?”_

_“No one.”_

_“Did you meet a boy at school?”_

_“Cut it out. Boys at school are lame. Hey, how’s everything with you and Oliver?”_

_“Great. We decided to start looking at apartments together. I know it’s a big step, but... We’re ready. I think we’ll live together for a year, engaged for another, and then...”_

_“Mrs. Laurel Queen.”_

_“Maybe one day. “_

_“This is kind of assuming that he’s ever ready to settle down.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_“Well, we both know at least ten girls that he’s slept with.”_

_“Can’t you just be happy for me? I mean, if you met some amazing guy who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, I would be so supportive, and so happy for you…“_

_“Ok, Laurel, I wasn’t trying to be a bitch.”_

_“The title of your autobiography.“_

_“I’m going to get some sleep.”_

There had been more moments like that before, before this one. Just two days before Sara boarded the Gambit with Oliver. She got up from the couch and took a couple of steps away from her sister… she couldn’t… she couldn’t bear to look at her right now.

How could she do this to her? How could she have made such a fool out of her on top of everything? Why… she should’ve never asked. Not knowing… not knowing had been better.

“Ollie loved you, Laurel. There’s no question about that. There never was. Don’t ever doubt that. Look… the first time we kissed was shortly after Samantha had told him she lost the baby. I didn’t know what was going on at the time, he wouldn’t tell me, but I knew, I knew something was going on, that something was wrong, so I dropped in on him like once a day to make sure he was okay. You were away at college and really busy. The night we kissed… look, I was stupid. I got myself in a dangerous situation and Ollie helped me, I guess it had scared him… I’m still not sure who made the first move, but we avoided each other for weeks after… until Tommy decided he was fed up with our behavior and insisted the three of us hang out and we didn’t really have a choice, you know how Tommy could get…” Sara paused for a moment and a small, sad smile graced her lips while she was remembering their dead friend, her hand slowly stroking her pregnant stomach, before she took a deep breath and refocused on their conversation.

Probably also thinking about how Tommy should be here, be here to meet Oliver’s child. To be the fun uncle and probably godfather to their child. Tommy had been like a brother to both Oliver and Sara. Laurel had to blink back some tears, remembering her lost love, being shortly reminded of the Dominators’ reality, in which Tommy had been the godfather of Oliver’s child. A world in which he had been alive and an important part of all of their lives.

“We were so damn wasted that night… I don’t know how we ended up screwing, the night is still very hazy and there are a lot of blanks in it. Ollie bailed the next morning, and I woke up alone… I… It… We avoided each other again until we unintentionally ended up at the same party. Ollie was as high as a fucking kite, I swear, and I was very drunk… the two of you had just gotten into another fight and Robert and Moira were pressuring him about colleges again…” Sara paused again in her explanation, taking another deep breath.

“Ollie loved you Laurel, so very much, he wouldn’t have stayed with you for four years if he hadn’t. Look, I don’t feel comfortable talking about Ollie’s reasons, not before he got the chance to explain them to you first. I’d gladly provide you with the answers I have that he wouldn’t give you after… if he’s alright with it.” Sara took a sip of her tea, leant back into the couch, closed her eyes for a moment while slowly breathing in and out again as if she were preparing for the next part.

Laurel was still trying to process everything she’s learnt so far, still standing and with a lot of distance between her and Sara. Getting worried about what might come next given her sister’s actions.

“As for my reasons… it was Ollie. I never… I never thought I’d have a shot with him, not after the two of you got together, while I was grounded after you called the cops on us to break up Tommy’s party.” Laurel winced when her sister reminded her of her childish actions all those years ago. She wasn’t proud of what she had done. Part of the reason had been because Sara had only been 16 years old, and should not have been at that party to begin with. But she had to admit another bigger part of her hadn’t wanted her baby sister anywhere near Ollie. They had been spending a lot of time together and Sara got him in a way she herself never had. The two blondes just clicked, they always had, almost from the first moment they’ve met. They hit it off like fire and gasoline. So, she had been worried after she learnt that Sara had a crush on him that maybe he’d go for Sara too… she should’ve never called the cops on them.

“So, when he actually showed me attention in more than the usual friendly way, I was just… I don’t know… I felt it was only fair, I guess… after you got together with him despite knowing how I felt about him. You didn’t care about my feelings back then, so why should I care about yours now? Right? Except I did care. Believe me, I did, and I felt so bad and guilty, but I’ve never…” her sister paused again, biting her lip and closing her eyes again.

What she had done had been wrong and selfish and something she regretted. Looking at her sister now, Laurel knew that if she could take it back, she would.

“No one’s ever made me feel the way Ollie did.” Sara swallowed hard after this revelation. And Laurel suspected that her sister had never shared this with anyone before.

“Like I was the only one in the room, the only one that mattered. His first priority. He already had you and you were perfect, and everyone always expected me to be more like you. Tried to turn me into you because you were so damn perfect. You were great at school, you never got into any trouble, you were perfectly poised and styled for any social event and you blended right in. And I could never measure up to that. I could never be as good as you, as perfect as you. And Ollie had you. He had perfect you, and yet, he still wanted imperfect, messed up me. For the first time, you weren’t enough for someone. For the first time in my life, someone wanted me despite already having you. I wasn’t the one who was lacking, who wasn’t enough.” Sara was staring into the room, as if she were seeing something only she could. Her voice was slightly hoarse. Yet, there was a small smile that grazed her lips, only for the duration for the next sentence, but still, it had been there.

“Ollie would tell me I was perfect. He made me feel like I was enough whenever we were together I felt like I was all he wanted. I wasn’t obviously. He was still with you too, but he always made me feel like he wanted me for me. The whole messed up package. He knew me. He knew me like no one else did. He knew all of my issues, my flaws, my problems, he knew how seriously fucked up I was, and he didn’t care. He didn’t want me, despite all of it. He wanted me because of it, because I understood how messed up he was. I mean, Jesus, after Samantha, after he thought she lost the baby, he seriously over did the drugs. It went from something he sometimes did at parties to becoming a pretty regular thing for a while. Again, I didn’t know what was going on at the time. Except that he was hurting and trying to escape from something. He was trying to escape in alcohol and drugs and I in alcohol… and we somehow ended up trying to escape in each other. Finding the same kind of relief and escape that the alcohol or drugs would create, it was almost as if we were each other’s sanctuary. During the time we spent together we could forget everything that wasn’t in that moment. That wasn’t the other and us together. All of our problems they’d disappear for those stolen moments that we were alone in.” Sara stopped talking after that revelation. One of her hands was on her pregnant stomach, softly stroking it. She was pushing her hair back with the other before slightly bending forward in order to get her cup of tea. She took a couple of sips before putting it down again and shifting on the couch, stretching her back, the hand that had held the tea cup went behind her to press against her lower back, there was a moment when pain flickered across her face before it was replaced with the neutral mask that her sister had worn for the majority of the duration of their talk.

Laurel was still rooted to the same spot. She almost felt like a statue. She was still processing and mulling over some of the things her sister had revealed. To be honest, she was floored by what her sister had told her. This was not what she had expected. It wasn’t at all what she had expected.

 _“He seriously overdid the drugs…”_ She couldn’t get that sentence out of her head. She hadn’t known. She had noticed that something was going on with Oliver, but she hadn’t known just how bad it was… she had never thought… she hadn’t been aware how bad it was… she had been so focused on school and rarely been home… and when she had been home she hadn’t… Oliver hadn’t… how had she not seen how bad things were with him? She should’ve noticed, she should’ve known…

Laurel was still watching her sister while contemplating what she had said. Her mind was a mess, filtering out snippets of the conversation and moving from one to the next, barely giving her time to focus on one for any lengthy period of time.

 _“… He had perfect you and yet, he still wanted imperfect, messed up me… For the first time in my life someone wanted me despite already having you…”_ She hadn’t been aware that Sara had felt that way. That she had felt that she wasn’t enough, that she should be more like her. Laurel remembered being jealous of Sara and her carefree, easy-going nature. Of the fact that she felt comfortable in any situation, the way Ollie and Tommy treated her, the way she hung out with the boys, got their jokes and behavior while she didn’t. She used to be jealous of Sara and that gorgeous smile of hers that drew anyone in and the way people gravitated towards her younger sister. How easy it had seemed for her to meet people.

She would’ve never thought that Sara felt inadequate next to her.

 _“… we sought comfort in each other… no one’s ever made me feel the way Ollie did… he told me I was perfect…”_ those words circled in her head. How had she not seen how much Sara was struggling, how much she was hurting? Maybe she had been wrong with her assumption… maybe Sara’s eating disorder had had nothing to do with her looks, as she had first thought.

When Sara had started to get in a lot of trouble, she had thought her younger sister was just rebelling, acting out just because… or to get attention… she had never considered that maybe there was more to it than her sister just being difficult, like she had always been… maybe their parents had had their reasons to let Sara get away with as much as they had, maybe they had seen and noticed something that she hadn’t.

Laurel suddenly remembered that everybody seemed to like Sara and yet, and yet, she’d never really had any close friends, besides Ollie and Tommy, even less female friends. Sara had always hung out more with boys than girls, she had always gotten along great with guys, which had led to a lot of girls starting rumors and talking shit about her and making up lies behind her back. Sara of course had found out about it pretty easily and Laurel guessed had decided to give them something to gossip and talk about. A lot of her female classmates had called her a slut and accused her of sleeping with their boyfriends, before it had been something Sara actually did. Most of Sara’s female classmates had also been jealous of her friendship with both Oliver Queen and Thomas Merlyn and the fact that Ollie and Tommy had adored her. She guessed Sara had finally just decided that they were accusing her of it anyway, so she might as well do it and maybe also to get back at them?

Her sister had always just shrugged their behavior off, saying that it was just talk and that she had better things to do than worry about what people thought or said about her. Maybe it had bothered her more than she had let on. Maybe she should have noticed just how much her baby sister had suffered because of the way the other girls had treated her.

Sara just sat quietly on the couch, watching her and giving her all the time she needed to process the information overload her sister had dumped on her.

“Look, I know how it sounded. It’s not an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did. I hurt you. My selfish actions led to so much pain for so many people, and there’s no excuse for that. I’ll never be able to make up for what I did. And I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it. But you deserved the truth, and that’s what I gave you. Look, if there is anything else you want to know, just ask and I’ll try to answer all your questions.” Sara broke the silence after what felt like days to her.

Did she have any questions? She had millions of questions, but her mind was still a mess, and everything was muddled, and it was impossible for her to filter one question out of everything.

“Do you love him?”

Laurel was as shocked as Sara looked by her question. She hadn’t meant to ask her that. She had wondered about it for years, sure, even more so since Oliver’s very public declaration of love to her sister, which she had not returned, as far as she knew. On the contrary, actually, Laurel was certain that Sara had distanced herself from Oliver after… So, she had wondered about her sister’s feelings towards their childhood friend, and the father of her unborn child.

Sara looked like a deer caught in headlights and Laurel was tempted to take the question back but… but something kept her from doing that. She needed to know.

“… I… Ollie’s… Ollie’s the most important person in my life. Ollie’s… Ollie’s always been there for me, no matter what… I… I don’t know what I’d do without him… Ollie’s… Ollie’s my true north, my touchstone… I…” Laurel was rather annoyed about her sister’s answer or lack thereof at first, believing she was intentionally avoiding answering it until she replayed the words in her mind and studied her sister’s behavior. Sara had seriously struggled to answer her question. She had struggled to find the words and stumbled over her explanation. It was such a huge contrast to the rest of their conversation. Where she had been calm, collected.

Sara was sitting on the couch, her back was straight, both her hands were on her stomach now, her expressive blue eyes were huge and she was biting her lower lip. It was the combination of her sister’s words and behavior that made Laurel realize Sara had in fact answered her question.

“Have you told him?” She couldn’t stop herself from asking.

“What?” her sister’s voice reminded her of the one she’s had the night she had brought Oliver to their family dinner and she had correctly accused them of screwing again.

“That you love him. Have you told him you love him too?” The blonde was pointedly looking away from her while Laurel clarified her question.

“Laurel, look, it’s complicated… Ollie… Ollie knows how important he is to me. What he means to me.” She was fidgeting with her fingers now, studying them as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Maybe, well, probably. Even so, don’t you think he’s got the right to hear the actual words? Have you tell him how you feel?” She pushed further and realized the moment the words had left her mouth that she had pushed too far.

“It’s getting late, I’m really tired. Why don’t you take some time to let everything sink in and let me know if you have any more questions?” Sara got up from the couch and walked towards the entrance to the living room, unmistakably making sure that Laurel understood she had overstayed her welcome for today.

“Sara…” She began not sure what she was going to say.

“I’m exhausted, Laurel.” Her sister interrupted her before she had the chance to figure out what she had meant to say.

She quietly walked passed her sister and turned around with the handle to the front door in her hand.

“Thank you, for telling me all of it.” She walked out the door and closed it behind herself. Before sagging against it and taking a deep breath.

This had been intense and a lot to process.

Laurel slowly pushed herself away from the door and walked towards the elevator. She couldn’t wait to get home and maybe take a hot bath to help her relax and process everything she had just learnt. About her sister. About Oliver. About their affair, and how it was a lot more complex than she had thought.

This conversation had not at all turned out the way she had expected it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, Laurel and Sara finally had that conversation. Let me know how you think I did, it was really hard to write. And I did my best. I hope this clears up some of how the affair came to be to begin with.  
> We will get to Oliver's POV about it at some point too.
> 
> I never really liked how one of the tie-in comics painted Sara, having her sleep with  
> other girls' boyfriends without any actual explanation. So, I made up my own...
> 
> Laurel and Sara have very different personalities, which sometimes makes it hard to  
> understand the other's actions or recognize the other's lies. This is why Laurel just took Sara's  
> words that she doesn't care about what other people say about her at face value. Only  
> reason. She assumed her easy going sister with a devil may care attitude really didn't  
> care.
> 
> Again, I hope I did Laurel justice and got her right.
> 
> As always let me know what you think and if anyone is actually still reading this...
> 
> Some of the events mentioned by Sara can be found in my story "Tonight, we are  
> young maybe we could find new ways to fall apart" if anyone's interested to get a  
> detailed account to the beginning of their affair...
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Little Me (For my sister)" by Britney Spears.


	33. I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate I’d do anything for you to show you how much I adore you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had thought he understood Quentin’s pain back then, but now, now he knew that he didn’t have the slightest idea how Quentin had been feeling. He knew now, after giving William up and he knew, he just knew that he couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t give his little Hummingbird up too. It was too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left kudos, I really really appreciate it!
> 
> So here's going to be a little bit of what happened in Star after Oliver left in this one. Obviously things didn't go the way they did in the show. 
> 
> Just a little reminder, Damien Darhk is dead (well get into more detail at some point)
> 
> Ruvé Adams is the Mayor of Star City.
> 
> Laurel did take the job as District Attorney but still puts on her suit from time to time, not as often as she used to though. 
> 
> Thea has started to go to college for some courses and she also isn’t going out as often as she used to.
> 
> I really hope everything makes sense, let me know if something is confusing, I wrote this while laying in bed with the flu... so yeah, it might have some issues... sorry if it does.

**Oliver**

Oliver was sitting in his favorite armchair in the living room, looking outside at his city. Deep in thought. Thinking about how much his life had changed yet again, in the last couple of weeks. Sara had distanced herself emotionally and physically from him shortly after they had returned from Central City. She was mostly staying in her own room, alone, too, during the nights. Oliver wasn’t sure whether it was because of him telling her he loved her or him telling her he decided to keep and raise their daughter... it was probably a combination of both. He racked his fingers through his hair and dropped his head in his hands... he didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how he could convince her, make her see... fuck... he didn’t know what he would do without her. How he was supposed to go on after she left again, how was he supposed to raise their daughter without her. He needed her. He needed her in his life. If he was sure of one thing, it was this. Just like he knew he needed their daughter in his life.

Oliver wondered what kind of father that made him. He was willing to give up his son so that William could have a save, normal life, yet he was incapable of doing the same for his daughter. He couldn’t let her go. She wasn’t even born yet, but he knew that he couldn’t give her up. He knew that he couldn’t do it. Just the thought of giving his baby girl away, handing her over to strangers, was causing him physical pain and ripping his heart to shreds. He thought that he might finally understand how Quentin had felt all those years ago when Sara first came back home and revealed herself to her father just to leave again that very same night. He would never forget Quentin’s face and the sound of his voice when he realized what Sara was going to do.

 _“I can’t let you go. I can’t let you go.”_ It had been heart-wrenching to watch, and telling Quentin to let his younger daughter go was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Seeing the devastation on the older man’s face, watching Sara walk out of his life once more… it had hurt more than he had thought possible. All he had wanted to do in that moment, besides begging Sara to stay against his better judgment, had been to go over to Quentin and give him a hug. Let him know how much watching Sara leave was hurting him too, that he wasn’t alone, that he was missing her already too, and that he wished there was another way. Yet, the only thing that he had been able to do was stand there and watch both father and daughter while Sara was breaking all of their hearts, hidden in the shadows, under his hood.

He had thought he understood Quentin’s pain back then, but now, now he knew that he didn’t have the slightest idea how Quentin had been feeling. He knew now, after giving William up and he knew, he just knew that he couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t give his little Hummingbird up too. It was too much. He couldn’t bear going through that pain again and adding it to the pain he was still feeling whenever he thought about William. He wasn’t strong enough to give up another child.

Being incapable of giving his baby girl up meant subjecting her to a life in which she was in constant danger. He denied his son growing up, knowing his father yet ensured his daughter would. Did this mean he loved one child more than the other? And if so… which one? The one whose safety he ensured with the agony of not having him in his life or the one he refused to let go, even if it meant subjecting her to danger?

There hasn’t been a day in his life since Thea was born that he hasn’t cherished having her as a sister. She was the most important person in his life, or had been. Now it was a tie with both of his children. Yet he denied William exactly that, the joy of being an older brother. He kept both of his children from experiencing this unique bond, from growing up together.

What kind of person, what kind of father did that make him?

All of this was so fucking messed up.

Then there was Sara… thinking, she wasn’t fit to be a mom, that their little Hummingbird deserved better than having her as a mom, having her in her life. Thinking that she was screwing up their child because of all the struggles she was facing, all the pain she was going through and all the trauma that was hunting her. Not seeing just how wrong she was. How unbelievably strong she was. Maybe with time she would come to realize that. He wished there was something he could do to convince her otherwise, but he’s known her long enough to know that there was no changing her mind. The only way she would change it were if she decided to on her own. The more he’d push, the more she’d push back. That’s why he never tried to change her mind or tell her otherwise. Not when it came to their daughter and not when it came to them.

No matter how hard it was, how much it hurt.

What she needed was support. No matter her choice. And he was currently the only person in her life, besides Lyla and Sin not trying to convince her to stay and help him raise their daughter. The only person who didn’t tell her that the way she was feeling was wrong. The only one who acknowledged that she had the right to feel however she did and that her feelings were valid and there was nothing wrong with them.

The only one who didn’t try to force a decision on her she was not ready to make.

He couldn’t understand how no one else could see that what Sara needed right now was space and time to figure things out. To think about the new situation his choice has created. And he was willing to give her that, give her as much time as she needed. It didn’t matter how long it took her, he and their Hummingbird would be here to welcome her home whenever she would be ready to be a part of their little family, should she decide to leave after their daughter was born. And until then he would make sure that their daughter would know just how amazing and strong her mother was and exactly why she wasn’t a part of their lives. And just how much she loved her.

Oliver lifted his head from his hands and looked at his watch. Almost time to leave. He contemplated whether he should let Sara know that he was leaving and risk disturbing her or if he should just go. She’d know his routine by now and therefore that he was about to leave. If she wanted to see him before he left, she’d come looking for him, unless she was already asleep, and in that case he didn’t want to risk waking her up.

He had started to go out again at night, only a couple of days after they’ve returned home. It had been a relief, being able to get out of the apartment. It made the situation easier.

Going out again as the Green Arrow made him realize just how bad his home had gotten. Ruvé appeared to do great things for the city, but it was all smoke and mirrors. She was keeping the Glades in the horrible state they had been in for as long as he could remember. The police force seemed to have gotten even more corrupt, and organized crime was thriving.

And then there was the other problem, the problem of rogue vigilantes that were trying to bring their own justice to the criminals. Oliver wasn’t sure why no one on his team has done anything about that while he was gone. It was dangerous to have untrained people on the streets trying to stop crime, not just for them but also for the people they were trying to save.

What had surprised him the most was the lack of Ghosts. Sure, Damien Darhk was dead, but Oliver was sure Ruvé played an integral part in H.I.V.E and their foot soldiers’ sudden disappearance worried him. Something didn’t feel right here. He has been trying to find out what was going on for weeks, but so far with little to no success. It was highly frustrating but gave him a reason to stay out at night, even when there was nothing else going on or long after everyone else went back home. He tried to stay out as late as possible. So he would return home shortly before Sara would get up in the morning. It made his empty bed more bearable and he could fool himself into pretending that the reason Sara wasn’t in bed with him was because she had slept while he had been out in the streets making their city safer and therefore was getting up now and starting her day while his was ending.

It didn’t work, of course.

Sara had also started to keep busy in and sometimes even outside of their home. She met up with Sin almost every other day. She also started to spend more time with her dad, had tea with Felicity every Thursday afternoon, and they were graced with Lyla’s company at least two afternoon’s a week. Those two had really hit it off. Not surprisingly. Oliver was grateful for everything Lyla has done for Sara. How she was someone Sara trusted enough to confide in when it came to doubts or fears about her pregnancy and how Lyla listened and helped sooth those fears as well as she could. Plus, Baby Sara was a bonus that usually came with Lyla coming over to their place. He really enjoyed having the little ray of sunshine around and spending time with her while the women talked. He tended to spend those afternoons entertaining the little girl, and came to cherish them immensely. Little Sara Diggle’s attachment and worship of her namesake was adorable and her fascination with his Pretty Bird’s pregnant stomach one of the sweetest things he had ever seen. The way she got excited when their daughter moved and she could feel it was just endearing.

Plus, Sara loved that little girl, and her happy, excited attitude managed to paint a genuine smile on the blonde’s face. That alone was worth so much. He knew that Dig’s daughter was reminding Sara of how much she used to love spending time and taking care of children, and he hoped that maybe, maybe it would prove to her that she was still good with them. That nothing had changed in that department and that maybe, just maybe, the little girl would help her realize that she would make an excellent mother for their daughter.

“You going out again tonight?” Oliver turned his head towards the soft voice coming from the living room entrance.

“Hey, I figured you were asleep already. Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out what happened to H.I.V.E and where all the Ghosts have disappeared to. Something doesn’t feel right. Not with Ruvé still being in the city and the Mayor on top of it.” He explained and shared his thoughts with Sara.

“Something strange is going on there, that’s for sure. I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon. Having bad guys suddenly disappear without a trace and for no reason never means anything good. Just… just be careful, okay?” She had walked into the living room and towards him while talking, stopping right next to his armchair.

“Do you mind? Before you leave?” His Pretty Bird held out her hand towards him with the by now familiar cream jar.

“No, not at all. Do you want me to do it here or do you want to lie down on your bed?” He took the jar from her and looked at her expectantly. This had become a ritual of theirs and was one of the few times that Sara would not only allow but initiate physical contact. Sara’s stomach had started to itch and feel uncomfortable given the stretching her skin was doing because of their daughter’s growing. So, she had gotten a recommendation for a cream from Caitlin and usually asked him to apply it. Giving him time to “spend” with their daughter, who had started to react to his touch and push back with her hands or feet while he was applying the cream to her mother’s stomach. Sometimes even following his hand with one of her’s. He was grateful and cherished those moments. He knew he would always hold them dear to his heart.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind lying down, but here’s fine too… whatever you prefer…” He smiled at her, got up from the chair offered her the hand that was not holding the cream and walked out of the living room leading her by her hand towards her bedroom. Sara usually dozed off, so he knew it would be more comfortable for her to be in her bed, than on the couch where she ended up having to get up again in order to go to bed.

This had become their nightly ritual. Her falling asleep while he was massaging her stomach, he would usually watch her for a couple of minutes once she was asleep, before kissing her forehead and heading out for the night. It were those moments that he recalled when things got dire and he needed a reminder to keep going and to win, at all costs. To live and go home to his two girls.

There was no better motivator than the thought of Sara and their little Hummingbird.

Being back in the field was still strange sometimes. It felt different than it used to. He knew what, or more accurately, who he was fighting for, yet he was also acutely aware of the risks he was taking and the danger he was getting himself into. It led to him being more careful than he used to be but also more determined to live at any cost, and he meant any cost. He had thrown the no-killing rule out the window almost his first night out. He wasn’t going to risk getting killed and not meeting and raising his daughter, in order to honor Tommy’s memory and do what his Team wanted him to. If it came down to him killing or him being killed, he’d chose killing every day. He wasn’t planning on dying anytime soon. He had too much to live for. More than he ever thought he would.

*******************************************************************************

**Lyla& John**

Lyla was watching her husband, remembering what she had told him shortly after he had learnt about Sara’s pregnancy and the fact that Oliver and Sara were planning on giving the baby up for adoption. Johnny hadn’t been able to understand the choice they were making, just like he still couldn’t understand why Oliver had chosen to give his son up. She understood where her husband was coming from and he wasn’t wrong with what he was saying, but she could also see Oliver’s point of view and why he decided that William would be safer without him in his life. Just like she could see and understand where Sara and Oliver had been coming from then and why they had decided to give their child up for adoption. She had known back then that getting Johnny to understand it would not be easy, but she had felt that she had to try.

_“What I do know is that they are both not in a good mental state, but they’ve also just spent five months away from their family and civilization. Not the best condition to improve mental health issues if you asked me. Maybe being home, being around family will help them get better, which essentially might lead to a change of heart when it comes to their child. I can understand how the concept of raising a child might be overwhelming for them. I know how worried we were when I was pregnant with Sara. Add their mental states and depression to the normal worries every expectant parent has and imagine how extremely overwhelmed they must be feeling.”_

Johnny had looked at her, surprised. He hadn’t considered that and probably also not realized that yes, Oliver was suffering from depression. He did a good job hiding it, but spending time with Sara at their apartment had made it apparent. The little notes that she had scattered around their home for him, the way she always made him a snack too when she made one for herself and brought it to him, making him promise that he would eat it. And the way Oliver tended to hide away and spend hours staring into nothing while she was with Sara made his depression all too obvious. Not to forget a conversation she and Sara had had shortly before the Dominators had attacked.

_“If Ollie wants to keep the baby I’m not, I would never make him give it up. Never would have before, but especially not now after everything that’s happened with William, and the shit everyone’s been giving him because of it, while not even knowing the whole damn story. It’s not... the whole thing with William is so much more complicated than people know or like to admit. It wasn’t just… I just can’t understand why Felicity would leave him because of a child that was conceived and born years before she’s even known him.” Sara’s voice was soft and slightly hoarse, but there was still a strength to it that made her opinion about the entire ordeal unmistakable._

_“It wasn’t, from what Felicity said, it wasn’t about William and the fact that Oliver has a son. It was about him not telling her about William. The secrets and the lies and not including her in the decisions.” Lyla explained their friend’s side to Sara._

_“Wait, what? Samantha told Ollie that the only way he could see his son, was if he didn’t tell anyone about him. And William was not to know that Ollie is his dad. She didn’t give him a choice! Did Felicity seriously expect him to choose her over his son? A son he had just learnt about.” Sara sounded incredulous and looked at her confused. There was a glint of anger in her crystal blue eyes that warned of a storm brewing behind them._

_“I think she expected him to trust her and include her in this new part of his life.” Lyla tried to calm the stormy seas she could make out behind Sara’s eyes, hoping to sooth them before a tsunami would hit the shores._

_“The situation is so much more complicated than that, Lyla. It’s not like he just found out that he had a son that was kept from him. He knew… Samantha had told him about the pregnancy. And Ollie had been overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. He was only twenty-one at the time, Samantha was a casual acquaintance he had a one-night-stand with, cheating on Laurel. So, he did what he always had when he got in over his head. He asked his mom for help and advice. And Moira did what she always had, solved all of his problems and made them disappear by throwing money at the situation. She called Samantha, gave her a check of a million dollars, told her to leave Starling and go back to Central City and tell Ollie that she lost the baby. And we both know Moira Queen could be one scary lady when she wanted to be. So, Ollie didn’t just find out he had a child, he found out that the child he had been told had never even been born, a child he had mourned for, and almost self-destructed over, was actually alive. And when he had seen Samantha with William for the first time and confronted her, she had denied him being Ollie’s child. But Ollie’s not an idiot, so he wanted to make sure. Just imagine finding out that the mother of your child went so far as to pretend that she lost the child in order to not have you in his life. Can you imagine how he must have felt in that moment? And then to make matters even worse, to learn that your own mother played a part in all of it? Samantha made him believe she lost their child, Ollie had every reason to believe her when she told him that he would never see his son again if he told anyone about him. She had done it before. So I’m sorry Felicity’s feelings got hurt by Ollie’s decision, but what the fuck was he supposed to do? Not telling her wasn’t his choice. He was never given a choice when it came to his son.” Sara’s voice was chocked, and her eyes were glistening with tears, but there was no doubt about the return of the anger towards the end of her explanation. Lyla was surprised. There was a lot of additional information concerning the situation, information that made Oliver’s choice even easier to understand. She was pretty sure that no one besides Sara and now she knew those facts. She was certain Felicity didn’t and wondered briefly if it would’ve changed anything if she had. Would all of their lives be different if Felicity would’ve just let Oliver explain? She focused on Sara again. The young woman she had named her daughter after, a woman that had become a very good friend in very little time. Someone who would probably not be here if Felicity had let Oliver explain. Her eyes trailed along the blonde’s body and stopped at her slightly rounded stomach, rounded by a child that may never have come into existence, had Felicity let Oliver explain and not behaved the way she had._

_“So, believe me when I tell you, everything concerning this baby, is his choice. He gets to decide what he wants to do, he gets a say in everything. Because it’s his right as the baby’s father. Just because I’m the one carrying this baby doesn’t mean that he has no say in it. It’s our child. Not mine, not his, ours. He has as much say as I do. Fifty-fifty.” The blonde continued and Lyla’s eyes returned to Sara’s. The more time she spent with her, the more impressed she was with the young woman and her relationship with Oliver. She seemed to be the only person who actually knew him, the only person he seemed to trust completely. And sadly, the only person who stood up for him and protected him, who seemed to realize his vulnerability and struggles. It wasn’t hard for Lyla to see the respect and devotion Sara and Oliver had for each other._

_Sara had put her hand on her stomach during her explanation and it had drawn Lyla’s eyes and thoughts back to her pregnancy, which was obvious now, and not just to everyone who knew her and the way her body usually looked._

_Even to a curious two-year-old, apparently. Her daughter was completely smitten with Sara and extremely fascinated by her pregnant stomach and the concept that there was a baby in it. The fact that she had somehow learnt that it was her Uncle Oliver’s baby too had let to her being even more obsessed with it and very excited. Lyla hadn’t been sure and dreaded the moment she would have to explain to her daughter she would not be a part of the baby’s life._

Johnny had told her about the scene that played out between Sara and Oliver when the blonde showed up with Roy at the Starlabs Hangar. She had been occupied with their daughter at the time. She had run into Sara, Roy and Thea while they were on their way to see everyone and Sara had handed her daughter over to her. Explaining how Sin had stayed back in Star City, not feeling comfortable meeting so many new people at once and how she had decide to bring “Tiny” with them because she had promised her and Dig to watch their baby and she therefore wasn’t going to let her out of her sight or in anyone’s care but Sara’s parents. Lyla had appreciated that, even though she would’ve been fine with Sin watching her daughter.

_Dig turned around when he heard his friend’s childhood nickname and expected to see Thea only to watch Sara, surprisingly fluid and smooth for a 5 months pregnant woman, rush and jump into his arms.  
  
What really got him was when Oliver initiated what ended up being a very hot, bothering on indecent kiss that made him question whether the couple, he had to ask Lyla about that she and Sara had hit it off right away and bonded over the last couple of weeks, was aware of their presence and what they were currently doing would be considered by some to be serious PDA. Which was very out of character for them and they weren’t known for at all. If there was one thing about them that he had noticed during Sara’s first time back home, it was that they both cared a lot about their privacy and that had led to only a handful of people actually being aware of their involvement. He wondered if it was the same case now.  
  
He felt uncomfortable watching what was clearly a very private and intimate moment between his friends, so he turned away to provide them at least with a little privacy. Their actions were not hard to relate to. He remembered learning about Lyla’s pregnancy during the Siege and how terrified he had been for countless reasons... he had to admit, Oliver and Sara reminded him a lot of Lyla and him. Life pushing them apart and throwing them back together, almost as if it were trying to find out if the timing was finally right. Oliver and Sara seemed to have always been wrong, or that they had always had really bad timing._

“I don’t know, I guess some time during the whole alien invasion Oliver decided to keep the baby. I guess you were right. They did need some time and time with their family and friends, well at least Oliver did. I’m not sure Sara has changed her mind.” Johnny finished his explanation and the conclusion he had reached.

“It doesn’t surprise me. Oliver seemed to have struggled with the decision ever since they went to their first ultrasound. Who knows, Sara still might change her mind too. And if she doesn’t, that’s alright too. It’s her decision to make, Johnny. And she’s the only one who knows what the right decision is. Sara’s a very intelligent young woman and she loves her child very much. None of us actually know what it means to live with “blood lust”. What it feels like or does to her. If she feels it’s safer for her child to not be around her, than we need to trust in and respect her decision.” She wanted to make sure that Johnny understood where Sara’s decision to give up her child came from. Lyla knew that Sara was terrified that she might unintentionally hurt or damage her child, and that fear was what drove her decision to not be a part of the baby’s life above all else. She needed Johnny to understand that in order to not judge the mother to be. That was the last thing Sara would need.

“That’s bullshit, Sara would never hurt her own child. There’s just no way, Lyla.” Her husband was so very sure of this and she agreed with him whole-heartedly but they didn’t know what the blood lust did to her… and if… if there was just the smallest chance that she would accidentally hurt her child, wasn’t giving it up the better option? Lyla wasn’t sure what she would do in Sara’s position, and she was grateful not to be in it.

And Johnny agreed with her:

“Sometimes I wonder if Sara is ever going to get a break and stop suffering.” It was something she has been wondering a lot lately, too.

*******************************************************************************

**Oliver**

Oliver lay awake in his bed. Exhausted, after another night out, trying to make his home a safer place for his daughter to grow up in, but incapable of falling asleep. He had gotten used to having Sara in his arms and it seemed getting used to no longer falling asleep in her presence took longer than he had expected. But Sara’s message had been clear that first night after they had returned home from Central City, and he respected her wish. No matter how hard her choice was for him.  
  
_“I’m sorry, Ollie, but I can’t...”  
  
“You can’t what Sara?”  
  
“I can’t do this. You...me...us, I can’t. It’s too much and I can’t... I’m sorry.“  
  
“Sara...” but she had already turned around and disappeared down the corridor and into her room.  
  
Oliver cursed and hit the wall in frustration, the pain that instantly shot through his hand and up his arm was a welcoming one, it distracted him from the one in his heart. He hadn’t meant to... it had never been his intention to make Sara feel... the last thing he’s wanted to do was make her feel pressured... being with her... it had just come naturally. He hadn’t planned or expected any of this to happen. It just did. Everything always just seemed to happen with Sara and him. He hit the wall a couple of more times for good measure, but with less force, the mess had already been made anyway he might as well get some more of his frustration out, before he walked into the kitchen to wash off the blood and plaster on his hand. _

_He watched the blood and dirt wash off and disappear down the drain, wishing he could wash off all the doubts and pain just as easily while at the same time feeling like this was a metaphor for his life. Every good thing always seemed to end up going down the drain for him._

_Oliver wasn’t sure how long he had stood in the kitchen, with his hand under the cold spray of the kitchen’s tap before he turned the water off and wrapped his hand into a towel. He left the kitchen and walked into the bathroom to properly wrap his hand. It would’ve been a lot less difficult if he would ask Sara to do it for him, but he didn’t want to disturb her, not after she made it clear to him she needed space, nor did he feel like getting a lecture. He carefully flexed his fingers and concluded that he might postpone taking up his bow and arrow and making his debut as the Green Arrow in Star City for a few days._

The dip on the other side of his bed surprised Oliver and ripped him from his thoughts. He turned his head to make sure he wasn’t imagining things. 

He wasn’t unless his eyes were playing tricks on him too. Sara was looking at him from her side of the bed, she just sat on the edge for what felt like hours, but he was sure were mere minutes if not even just seconds before she lifted her legs onto the bed too, turned around and crawled towards him on all fours.

This was the first time in weeks she had not only come to his room but climbed into his bed.

He had barely enough time to register what was happening when she reached and passionately kissed him, lifting one of her legs and arms over his body during the process. The unexpectedness of her actions did nothing to keep him from returning them with as much vigor as she put into them. Sara wasted no time undressing them both pretty much right away. He helped her take off her PJ pants when her position and the size of her stomach led to her struggling with the task. She kissed him again, softer this time while she positioned herself on top of him, which again was a bit of a challenge given their daughter’s growth during the last several weeks and their lack of physical contact and therefore experience with the new shape of her body. Sara’s movements were soft and tender, which usually wasn’t really her style, and she kept eye contact with him the whole time. Bringing them both to a very intense peak. She kissed him again after and he could taste her tears and feel her whole body tremble. She stared into his eyes again after ending the tender kiss, still crying, and with the same intensity she had in Central City.

“Ollie...” she broke off in a broken sob, still not breaking eye contact.

“Shshsh, hey, it’s okay Pretty Bird. I know, I know. I’ve known for years. I love you too, Sara.” She cried in earnest now, her head buried in his neck, clutching him to her, as if her life depended on it. He wasn’t sure what had brought this on...

Sara had talked with Laurel earlier tonight, but he wasn’t sure whether that played a part in any of this. He decided to try and get to the bottom of it in the morning.

He softly stroked her hair, shushing her and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Punctuating some of his words with soft kisses to her temple. He wasn’t sure how long they’ve stayed like this until she had finally fallen asleep in his arms. He stayed awake a little longer, just basking. Enjoying having her back in his arms again, even if only for one night. He fell asleep with a soft, content smile on his face and slept soundly through the night for the first time in weeks.

*******************************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more explanation to the changes to Season 4 and 5 I decided on:
> 
> Team Arrow does not know about project Genesis. I felt the whole thing was really rushed in the show. They just created a whole town underground in like what? One year? Yeah, no not in this version. Ruvé is still part of the project, she’s just being extra careful to make sure that Team Arrow won’t find out about her plans and thwart them before everything was ready. Plus losing Damien set her back a bit. H.I.V.E. has gone under ground after Damien’s death to avoid detection and give Team Arrow a false sense of security, making them believe Damien’s death was their end. Oliver leaving town played into her hands, because he’s the one who might have questioned the Ghosts sudden disappearance…
> 
> I’m ignoring Machin because I never liked him or his storyline. 
> 
> So, it always pissed me off how everyone including the fans acted as if Oliver was the bad guy for keeping William a secret. He had no choice! Seriously! So, Sara kind of portrays my view and opinion on the matter.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you think.
> 
> Chapter titel is from the song "Space Bound" by Eminem


	34. You let me fall apart without letting go then you pick up the pieces and you make me whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This had not been planned, not at all. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now. She knew that the smartest thing would be to get up, get dressed and get some breakfast and probably pretend like nothing had happened. They were good at that. But she just couldn’t get herself to leave the comfort of Ollie’s embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little shout out to everyone who gave this story kudos or has commented! It means the world to me to know that people like this story and I really appreciate it! 
> 
> Okay, so I struggled with this chapter a little and hope it makes sense and helps to understand Sara a bit better.
> 
> References to an eating disorder in this chapter.

**Sara**

Sara sat down on the couch, after telling Ollie goodbye and small talking with her sister for a bit, trying to get comfortable after drinking some of her tea, buying herself some more time.

She had spent a lot of time mulling over and thinking about how she was going to have this conversation with Laurel. And how much of the truth she should really share. It would be easier to lie, it would almost be kinder to lie to her sister than tell her the whole truth. What difference would it make to omit some facts, to change the chain of events, to elude just how long she and Ollie had been sneaking around behind her back? She could easily keep some facts to herself, change the events to lessen the pain she was sure to cause her sister, and inform Ollie of the version of events she decided to share with her sister. She knew he would go along with whatever she chose to tell Laurel. He would support her decision to keep some things to herself and change others. No one would be the wiser. No one besides the two of them knew the truth.

The actual truth.

They were the only ones who knew how their affair came to be and for how long it had been going on. Only they knew the real purpose of their trip, the reason why he had asked her on the Gambit and the plans they had had. That was one aspect of the story that she was not going to share. And she knew that sharing that tidbit of information never even crossed Ollie’s mind. Laurel didn’t need to know that. Laurel would never know as far as both Ollie and she were concerned.

Letting Laurel know that Ollie and she had been involved in one way or another for almost two years seemed cruel. And would it really change anything? Would Laurel knowing the exact amount of time that they had been having an affair really make a difference? There was no need to actually share dates with her. She could easily tell the story without any dates or significant events that would lead to Laurel learning for just how long they’ve been betraying her.

But then again, this was about coming clean, starting over. A new beginning. Rebuilding her relationship with her older sister. Lying to her did not seem like a good way to start a new chapter in their relationship. Even if it would be kinder and spare Laurel some of the pain that she was bound to feel learning the truth about Ollie and her. Sara hated herself already, knowing the wounds that she would inflict on her sister.

But Laurel had asked for this.

She had asked for the truth, and Sara knew that she at least owed her sister that. Even if it would ruin their relationship for good, like a part of her was convinced it would.

She could recall everything vividly.

How her feelings towards Ollie had slowly changed during their trip to Yosemite National Park the summer before she started High School. How her heart suddenly skipped a beat, and she’d catch her breath whenever he had smiled at her or touched her, before speeding up. How special he had made her feel whenever he called her by the at the time new nickname Pretty Bird instead of the former Tweety Bird.

Or that afternoon that he had figured out that she was attracted to women too and how understanding, compassionate and simply amazing he had been. How he had somehow managed to make her feel as if it was the most normal thing in the world. How he hadn’t cared at all. And simply taken the information in, accepted it as a part of who she was and moved on as if nothing significant had happened and it was just an afternoon like any other. She could’ve kissed him. She wasn’t sure if he knew the impact his reaction or lack thereof had on her. Just how much his acceptance had meant to her. She had been struggling so much with the realization, and Ollie’s reaction had lifted a heavy burden from her shoulders.

Not that she was going to share any of this with Laurel. It wasn’t significant in what she was going to tell Laurel, well that wasn’t true, it played a huge part in why Ollie was as important to her as he was, and she had fallen even more in love with him in that moment but that had been years before she and Ollie had gotten involved and she was not going to share this with anyone. It was no one’s business.

Laurel had known how she felt about Ollie, she had been foolish enough to share her changing feelings towards one of her best friends with her sister during their road trip to Yosemite… she had needed to talk to someone to help her figure out what was going on with her. And she couldn’t talk to Ollie about it, for obvious reasons, and she was sure that Tommy would’ve probably told Ollie, even if unintentionally while being drunk, but still, not a risk she was willing to take. And Thea had been too young to talk about those types of things with. And she couldn’t talk to her parents about it. So the only person who had been left had been Laurel. She had trusted her. She had confided in her and Laurel eventually ended up sabotaging her, no more than that, using it against her.

There had been a part of Sara that hadn’t been able to forgive her sister for what she had done. She had stolen Ollie from her. And she didn’t necessarily mean as a boyfriend, but as her best friend. After Laurel and Ollie had gotten together, he had spent a lot of time with Laurel, time that he used to spend with her and Tommy. Sara had felt so alone. She had been grateful when she started High School, knowing that she was finally going to the same school as the boys again, even if only for one year. But it meant at least for that one year she would have some real friends to hang with at school.

Freshman year had been brutal. There had been so much going on with her, her changing feelings towards Ollie, the realization that she liked both boys and girls, the pressure of following in Laurel’s footsteps and always being compared to her by her teachers, the hate she received from most of her female classmates because of her friendship with Ollie and Tommy and the bullying that came with being different than the other girls and the envy they felt because she was excellent at sports and got along great with guys, it had all been so overwhelming.

Having Ollie and Tommy at the same school had been the only good thing. They were amazing, and she owed them so much. But then Laurel got with Ollie and in a way took him from her. Tommy had been struggling too because Malcolm had given him hell for not focusing enough on school and his future and filled a lot of Tommy’s free time with extracurricular activities Tommy could’ve cared less about but was forced to attend. The consequences of Tommy not showing up to them were not pretty at all.

So, Sara had ended up feeling utterly and completely alone.

Everything had just ended up being too much, the pressure from her parents and her teachers to be more like Laurel, the bullying from her peers and the absence of her two best friends on top of the heartbreak she was feeling because of Ollie being with Laurel and actually being subjected to their relationship regularly had led to her eating disorder. She had felt like she wasn’t enough, nothing she did was good enough. That she couldn’t compare to Laurel. That she would never be able to compete with her. She felt like she had no control over her life and everything was just spiraling out of hand and became too much. After Laurel had told their dad about Tommy’s party and while she had been grounded and Ollie and Laurel had gotten together, they had spent a lot of time at their place being all over each other and gross and in love and Sara had spent weeks feeling like screaming. Screaming until her voice gave out and her throat was hoarse and she could scream no more. She had needed an outlet, something she could control, something to focus on, a physical manifestation of her pain. She still wasn’t sure how her eating disorder had started, but it had given her relief and some of the control back that she had felt she had lost.

She had lost her sister and her best friend at the exact same time. Laurel had betrayed her. And yet she had been the one who got punished. She had been the one who had ended up grounded for a month. She had ended up losing her best friend while her sister got a boyfriend. It hadn’t been fair, and it had hurt so much. But she had refused to let Laurel know just how much she had hurt her, how much her actions had cost her. Laurel didn’t know what she had done, and as far as Sara was concerned, she never would.

She would never let her older sister know how her actions had nearly destroyed her.

She took one last sip of her tea before putting the cup back on the table and pushing those treacherous thoughts away. This wasn’t the time for them. This wasn’t the time for her pain. She looked up and searched her sister’s eyes.

“Look, Laurel, I… we… neither Ollie nor I ever meant to hurt you. And believe me, I know how that sounds coming from me and after everything we’ve done to you… but you have to believe me, the last thing we ever meant to do was hurt you. We never planned for any of this to happen, even less for it to go on as long as it did.” This was about what she had done to Laurel, not the other way around. And it was the truth. It had never been her intention to hurt Laurel. Not hurting her had been one of the main reasons why Ollie and she had kept their involvement a secret. Ollie had never been good at hiding his cheating, because he never actually cared enough to. The nameless, faceless women that had gotten into his pants had never mattered enough to him, not enough to learn their names and not enough to make a secret of his indiscretions. And why should he have? Laurel had always turned her eyes away and pretended what she heard wasn’t true. Or took him back when she couldn’t pretend because there was actual proof of his infidelity. So, Ollie didn’t see the point in hiding what or better said who he was doing. Except for her. He had gone to great lengths to hide her. Well, for his standards anyway.

Part of it had been to not hurt Laurel. The bigger part had been because she wasn’t nameless and faceless. It had been because she had mattered. She had mattered more than she should have.

“From that moment on, things changed. He’d show up at my college or take me away for a couple of days, we’d hang out… just do things couples would do, sort of, I guess… I mean I was never… going to fancy dinners and stuff like that was never my thing so we never did those type of things… but still… he’d take me to places he knew I liked…” This was hard. This was so much harder than she had thought it would be. Not just telling Laurel, but facing her past, dragging all of this out from the past, all the feelings, the guilt, the joy, the pain, the excitement, the love, the naivete and innocence. Being reminded of who she used to be. Who Ollie used to be. Being reminded of how simple life once was. How carefree and unburdened they had been. Not knowing what horror and pain lay ahead.

Tommy, why did she have to bring up Tommy? She would never be able to forgive herself for what had happened to the man who was the closest thing she’s ever had to a brother. She would never be able to forgive herself for not being here. For not coming home the moment she heard that Ollie was alive, or at least, the moment she had heard about the Starling City vigilante, the man in the green hood. If only she would’ve gone home then, the League would’ve still hunted her, but maybe if she had been there, if she had helped Ollie, maybe Tommy would still be alive. Or she at least would’ve gotten to spend some time with him, with the man that he had become during the years Ollie and she had been gone. He should’ve been here. Tommy should’ve been here. He was supposed to be the godfather of Ollie’s child. Ollie and her child should’ve known Tommy. She took a deep breath and pushed the thoughts about Tommy away. This wasn’t the time to get lost in them.

It took her a moment to gather her thoughts and continue in her explanation. She didn’t feel comfortable with this part of their conversation. She didn’t like this part. She didn’t like how she was laying herself bare in front of her sister. How she was revealing some of her most private thoughts and feelings to her. But it was the only way… the only way to answer Laurel’s questions and hopefully move forward.

Sara sat in silence, watching Laurel after she had finished her explanation. Trying to gather her thoughts and get a hold of her emotions.

God, it hurt. It hurt so damn much. Being reminded of who she used to be. Of everything she had lost, everything that was taken from her. Of the life she could’ve had, if only she and Ollie would’ve made a different choice. Vegas instead of China.

“Look, I know how it sounded. It’s not an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did. I hurt you. My selfish actions led to so much pain for so many people, and there’s no excuse for that. I’ll never be able to make up for what I did. And I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it. But you deserved the truth, and that’s what I gave you. Look, if there is anything else you want to know, just ask and I’ll try to answer all your questions.” Sara broke the silence after she had gotten her bearings back.

“Do you love him?” Laurel’s question took her completely by surprise. This was not what she had meant. This was not… how was she supposed to answer that question?

It was too personal, too private. It was an intrusion in her privacy she was not willing to grant. She was too raw because of everything she had just shared with her sister, everything she had already given her… she couldn’t… she couldn’t give her this too, not when she still wasn’t willing to give Ollie the answer to that question.

“… I… Ollie’s… Ollie’s the most important person in my life. Ollie’s… Ollie’s always been there for me, no matter what… I… I don’t know what I’d do without him… Ollie’s… Ollie’s my true north, my touchstone… I…” Yet her answer didn’t seem to satisfy Laurel and she kept on pushing the matter.

Laurel was entitled to a lot of answers when it came to her and Ollie and their affair. But not this one. This was a question whose answer she was not entitled to. There was only one person who had the right to the answer to that question, and he had never asked. Had never demanded one. He had never expected a reply from her. Never pressed the matter or pressured her. He had never asked anything of her in return to his admission of love.

“It’s getting late, I’m really tired. Why don’t you take some time to let everything sink in and let me know if you have any more questions?” It was private, too private. And she couldn’t… she just couldn’t.

Sara dropped onto the couch, exhausted after her sister had finally left. She lay down and closed her eyes for a moment, giving herself permission to take a brief nap before dinner.

*******************************************************************************

The first thing Sara noticed while waking up was the muscular chest that was acting as her pillow. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, breathing the familiar scent in, listening to the steady beating of his heart right under her ear. Trying to remember how exactly she had ended up in Ollie’s bed and more importantly naked, something she had sworn to herself she wouldn’t do anymore because there was no need to complicate things between them even further. And she had no intention of leading him on or giving him false hope. She wasn’t going to stay. His choice to keep and raise their baby changed nothing.

Not for her.

The changes in Ollie, on the other hand, were obvious to anyone who knew him. Yet, Sara was the only one who had the privilege to watch them gradually progress during the last couple of weeks. Ever since he decided to keep the baby. To raise it by himself. Part of her was glad to know that it would be raised with love, care and devotion by its father. She knew that he would dote on it. It would have an amazing home. A family. The family it belonged to; Ollie, and Thea, Laurel and her dad… and her mom too.

She had watched Ollie read books with no one forcing him to, but out of his own free will, something she’d never thought she’d see. Watched him take out part of the wall in his bedroom in order to put in an archway that led to the small empty room next to his, which he was slowly but surely turning into a nursery. Watched Thea, Laurel and her dad help him excitedly. Listened to the four of them debating about names. Ollie would look at her from time to time, gauging her reaction, watching her for any sign on whatever matter they were discussing. He’d look at her and raise an eyebrow during the baby name debates. She wasn’t sure if she had given him any clues or indications when it came to the different names. It didn’t matter because she knew that whatever name he’d chose would be perfect for their child. 

Always listening, watching, but never taking part in any of it. Always in the background. Because even though she was the one providing the baby a home right now, she wasn’t a part of this. Couldn’t be a part of this. She was too broken, too damaged. The baby deserved so much better than she could provide. It deserved Ollie and Thea and Laurel and her Dad and her Mom. Who were all bright and good and could love it and be happy and excited about it. They could give it joy and happiness, not sadness and despair.

She was death and pain.

Her hands were coated in blood and no amount of water could wash it away. Her weary hands would only taint it, wash its innocent skin and soul in red. She couldn’t let the monsters under her skin touch the one good, innocent thing she’s ever done.

She was grateful, knowing that their child would grow up with Ollie, being loved by him and cherished the way every child deserved to be by their parents. But still… she couldn’t stay. Couldn’t be a part of this… so it wouldn’t be fair to keep whatever Ollie and she had been doing before Central City up. It would only hurt him even more once she left. After their baby was born.

It was the reason she had stayed away at night.

It had been hard. Every fiber of her being had urged her to seek him out when he came home after a long night out, protecting the people of their city. Making sure that he was fine. That he wasn’t hurt, physically or emotionally. She always slept better once she heard him come home, knowing that he was safe for another day. Until he left again after she went to bed at night. And it would all start over again, her urge to beg him to stay, to not risk his life, or to crawl in his bed and wait for him there. She usually woke up every hour until she could hear the front door, him quietly putting his keys away and walking down the corridor, before going to the bathroom and then stopping outside of her bedroom for a moment, always contemplating before quietly walking in, pulling the comforter over her and kissing her forehead while softly putting one of his hands on her stomach. She never gave him any indication that she was awake. Part of her was sure he knew, yet his actions spoke against it.

She cherished those moments, lived for them.

A heavy burden was lifted from her shoulders every morning when she heard the familiar sounds of Ollie returning home. The mornings when he stayed out longer than usual were the worst. She would spend them in an extreme state of anxiety and near panic, scared, oh so scared that something had happened to him. That he wouldn’t come home. That he had left her, left them… forever.

Last night after Laurel had come over to get answers had been one of those nights. He had left early to give them privacy and because of a robbery hadn’t come back home before going out, as he usually did. It had robbed her of their evening ritual, robbed him of spending time with their child. And he hadn’t been home at the usual time either. She had been terrified and unable to get Laurel’s words out of her head.

_“Do you love him?... Have you told him?... That you love him. Have you told him you love him too?... Maybe, well, probably. Even so, don’t you think he’s got the right to hear the actual words? Have you tell him how you feel?”_

What if Laurel was right? What if Ollie didn’t know how she felt? What if he died without ever knowing just how much he meant to her? Could she live with herself if that happened? Would she ever be able to face their little Hummingbird, knowing that she had never told their child’s father how she felt? Just how much she loved him?

All of those things had led to her ending up in Ollie’s bed. Naked.

This had not been planned, not at all. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now. She knew that the smartest thing would be to get up, get dressed and get some breakfast and probably pretend like nothing had happened. They were good at that. But she just couldn’t get herself to leave the comfort of Ollie’s embrace. She had missed this; she had missed this so much.

This felt right.

Being here, being in Ollie’s arms, just felt right. It would be so much easier if… if only it didn’t feel this right. If his arms didn’t feel like home. If she didn’t love him so damn much.

She was still contemplating what she should do when the decision was taken from her by a small foot repeatedly kicking her bladder. She carefully detangled herself from Ollie’s strong embrace, trying not to wake him in the process, and thought she had succeeded when a soft, sleepy and slightly confused voice halted her in her tracks.

“Where are you going?” The innocent question sounded accusing in her ears, even though she knew she was only imagining it because of her previous thoughts.

“Bathroom, baby’s kicking my bladder. Go back to sleep, it’s still very early.” She softly answered before turning back around and grabbing Ollie’s shirt that had somehow ended up on the nightstand, pulling it over her head.

“Come back to bed after?” She turned back towards him at the question, noticing the pleading note to his voice, she bit her lip but refrained from answering before turning away from him again and leaving the room rather hurriedly, ensuring that her child’s current occupation would not lead to an embarrassing mess in its father’s bedroom.

Sara walked out of the bathroom and stopped. Not sure what she should do. Should she go to her room and get some more sleep? Should she go to the kitchen and get some breakfast? Or should she go back to Ollie, like he asked her to? She wasn’t sure. She stood in the doorway to the bathroom biting her lip and looking from her room to Ollie’s and back. She was so engrossed in her internal debate that the soft voice startled her.

“Come back to bed, just for a little while. I’ll make you breakfast later. Like you said, it’s still very early.” Ollie was leaning against the doorframe to his room. Looking forbidden and watching her with those expressive eyes of his, still looking sleepy, just like his voice sounded.

“Please, Sar, I just want to hold you.” He added after she had stayed quiet and unmoving in her spot. She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice, the desperate plea hidden in it and the vulnerability he was showing. God, he was breaking her heart. How was she supposed to deny him when he looked at her like that, when he sounded like that? She wondered for a moment if maybe there was more to it, if maybe something had happened last night, if something had gone horribly wrong. And hoped that it hadn’t.

“Okay.” Her voice nearly broke just uttering that one word. She walked to him and let him wrap her in his muscular arms for a moment, breathing her in, before picking her up and walking them both back to his bed.

She snuggled into his side, hiding her face in that one spot between his neck and shoulder that it fit perfectly in and desperately tried to keep herself from crying, yet again. She could feel Ollie drawing her closer with the arm wrapped around her and his other hand lovingly stroking her stomach while he softly kissed her temple.

She could feel their baby react to the touch of Ollie’s hand, recognizing it as their dad’s. It was only Ollie that the baby reacted to in this way. Usually whenever she could feel the baby kick and someone else put their hand on her stomach to feel it, the baby would stop. But their child did the opposite when it was their father’s touch. His little Hummingbird was a smart cookie, and Sara was sure he’d have his hands full with their baby and not just because it would be fifty percent her and fifty percent him, not a smart but a rather dangerous combination that screamed trouble. But simply because she felt the baby was a little imp and knew exactly what it was doing. She might be wrong, but she just had a feeling that it was doing some things on purpose. Like kick her repeatedly when she had guests until someone touched her stomach, then it would stop until they removed the hand only to start all over again… keeping it up for as long as the other party would play along… Sara had really started to feel like it was a game to her little one. A game that seemed to amuse it to no end.

Just like Ollie’s touch and voice also seemed to have the same calming effect on their baby as they did on her. Not to say that there weren’t moments when Ollie seemed to rile their child up, on purpose no less, sort of playing with their baby. Softly pushing back with a finger or two against whatever body part it was pressing against the front wall of its current home, usually talking to it while doing that.

Sara could’ve sworn that their child was reacting to the word Hummingbird. And recognizing that its father was talking about it whenever he mentioned Hummingbird. Speaking of their child, the movements had stopped, and she knew that the baby was probably asleep again.

She snuggled even more into him. They could talk about what happened over breakfast… in a couple of hours… it was still very early after all. Sara closed her eyes, letting the beating of his heart and the soft caresses of his hand lull her back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope I did Sara justice and everything makes sense. I'm still working out pre-Gambit Sara and really hope my version of her is realistic. 
> 
> Concerning the pregnancy and baby, I've never been pregnant and I'm going by other people's experiences and information from the internet. Let me know if I get something completely wrong. I do my best here.
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Break in" by Halestorm.


	35. She hides away, like a ghost in a crowded place trying not to feel so alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What she hadn’t expected was that Team Arrow didn’t just join them, but that they actually had the Thanksgiving dinner in Star City, instead of Central City as she had expected, even more shocking had been the revelation that they had Thanksgiving dinner at Oliver’s place.
> 
> He did not seem like the event hosting type. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again tried something here... not sure about it but yeah, well... it is what it is... lol

**Thea**

“She looks so fragile.”

Kara’s words hit Thea like a ton of bricks and let to her taking a step back after the uttered sentence. Fragile. Of course. That was the perfect word to describe Sara.

Fragile.

That was the word that had eluded her for months. The one she had been looking for from the moment Sara had first stepped into her and Laurel’s apartment. It was so clear, so perfect, and Thea wondered why she hadn’t thought of it before. But then again, it was the last word she would’ve ever thought she’d use to describe Sara Lance, the Canary, her sister in all but blood. Sara had been many things over the years, but fragile had never been one of them.

Until now.

Now she reminded her of one of the antique China Dolls her grandma used to have. They looked strong, unbreakable, and were all hard to the touch, but one wrong move would shatter them into a million pieces. Besides, she had always thought that they looked kind of sad… which was also very fitting. There always seemed to be a deep sadness behind the blonde’s ocean blue eyes lately. Just like the China Dolls.

_‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.’_

Was this Sara now? Was this how she felt and saw herself? As broken? Too broken to be put back together again? Was this the reason she refused to be in her baby’s life? Had she and Laurel done this to her? Was this their fault? And if so, how could they fix it? How could they fix Sara? There had to be a way to help her, to ease some of her pain, right? To make her stay. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t gone with Malcolm, if she had stayed here… none of this would’ve happened. Sara would’ve never died. And Laurel would’ve never had to use the Lazarus Pit to bring her sister back.

And Sara wouldn’t be broken.

Sara who had been sitting at the bay window in the living room of her and Ollie’s apartment, for the last couple of hours, watching the city outside. Away from everyone.

Thea wasn’t sure whose idea it had been to have a Thanksgiving dinner, even less to invite Team Flash, including Kara and her sister. Unfortunately, Roy and his team couldn’t make it. She had really hoped he would come too. But that’s what they’ve done, and it had somehow been decided that it would be at her brother’s place… no, not somehow, Sara had refused to go anywhere, and Ollie refused to leave her alone. Besides, Oliver and Sara’s apartment had the most space aside from Felicity’s place, and that had seemed like a terrible idea. Thea knew for a fact that her brother hadn’t been back to the apartment in months and didn’t plan on going back there. Too many bad memories. So, they ended up having the dinner here. Sara had stayed away, on the fringe of activity, watching but never taking any actual part in it, just like she has been doing during their family lunches and dinners.

Thea sometimes felt that she almost seemed like a ghost haunting the apartment.

She joined them for the actual dinner, reclaiming her place at Ollie’s side. Moving her chair so close to his that there was almost no space between the two chairs. She had practically been sitting on his lap. And it had reminded Thea of that first afternoon at her and Laurel’s place after Ollie and Sara had first come back home a good three months ago. Yet, she left his side and the table the moment they were done eating. Leaving the dining room and curling back up on the bay window seat in the living room.

Where she had stayed ever since.

Ollie had brought her some tea a while ago but made no move to join her, he just placed the teapot and teacup on the table which he had placed within Sara’s reach, gently draped the blanket from the armchair over her shoulders, softly kissed her temple and left her alone in her solidarity again.

She didn’t know what had happened between Ollie and Sara, but she knew that something must have happened between them. Sara seemed to keep her distance, pretty much ever since they’ve returned home from Central City. She had tried to talk to Ollie about it, but her brother had just told her it was nothing, that everything was fine, trying to make her feel as if she were imagining things and changed the subject. It might even have worked if Laurel and Quentin hadn’t noticed the change in Sara’s behavior too. And how she had started to keep Ollie at arm’s length, just like everyone else.

Thea couldn’t help but sigh. This was such a mess. She wished she could do something… anything really to help them clean it up.

On a more positive note, Ollie had decided to keep the baby. She was going to be an aunt and get to be a part of her niece’s life. Something she never got the chance to be in her nephew’s.

Yeah, that was the other great news. She was going to have a niece.

Ollie and Sara were having a girl, a little baby girl. She was so excited about it and couldn’t wait to meet her and spoil her and just be there for her. She had even gone into some of the baby departments in stores and bought some cute little outfits and some toys for the little girl. She had also helped Ollie work on the nursery. Well, a little at least. Quentin, Laurel and she, had offered him to help, but he had refused, to the most part. He had taken her with him while picking out the furniture and even asked her opinion on which crib he should get and even gotten the one she had told him to and had let her hang out in the nursery while he was putting all the furniture together.

But hadn’t let her actually help do anything inside the nursery.

She had offered to help him paint the room or hang up some paintings. But he had refused. It had taken her and Laurel and Quentin a while to realize that he wanted to do this alone. That it was important to him to create his daughter’s room all by himself. And they respected that. It was actually very sweet. The nursery looked amazing. She still couldn’t believe that her brother had done all of it by himself. She had been awestruck when she peeked in today. It was as good as done. All that was missing was her niece, really. And she really couldn’t wait to meet her.

Sara had asked her if she wanted to touch her belly a couple of times when the baby was kicking, but she always stopped as soon as she placed her hand on it. So, she was really, really looking forward to meeting her, seeing her, holding her and spoiling her. Thea pushed the thoughts about Sara and her niece away for the moment to focus back on the conversation and joined in sharing a Thanksgiving story of her own, having Laurel, Quentin and even Ollie chime in and add information to it or deny some of the facts she was presenting. All in all, it was a great success and a really fun night. She hoped they’d make a tradition out of it and that maybe next year, Roy would be able to join them too.

*******************************************************************************

**Kara**

Kara had been surprised when Cisco and Barry had showed up in her living room a couple of days ago, asking her if she had plans for Thanksgiving or if she wanted to come spend it with them. She actually didn’t have any plans because Eliza couldn’t make it to National City for Thanksgiving Day, so they had made their Thanksgiving plans for the following week. She agreed under the condition that Alex could come with her. She wasn’t going to leave her sister alone at Thanksgiving, and they had agreed. Convincing Alex had been a bit of a challenge, but she had eventually managed, simply because Alex was curious to meet all the other heroes she had told her about after she had returned home following the Dominator attack.

What she hadn’t expected was that Team Arrow didn’t just join them, but that they actually had the Thanksgiving dinner in Star City, instead of Central City as she had expected, even more shocking had been the revelation that they had Thanksgiving dinner at Oliver’s place.

He did not seem like the event hosting type. At all.

Even during their celebration after saving the world, he had mostly stayed by himself, or with Sara. They had spent a fair amount of time with Roy and his team before they had excused themselves and were the first who left the festivities in order to get some sleep. So, this turn of event was highly surprising.

Barry rang the doorbell before she had any more time to think about everything and the next thing she knew Thea was opening the door to her brother’s apartment.

“Hi, guys c’mon in, Ollie’s in the kitchen and pretty much banned everyone except for Sara, Dig, Lyla and Sin for some reason from entering… and I’m pretty sure Sara is simply using the kitchen as a place to hide away from everyone… even though her pumpkin pie is divine and to die for. Well anyway, c’mon in make yourself at home.” The perky brunette was festively dressed and greeted them with a gigantic smile and another interesting explanation.

Oliver cooked?

Yet another surprising tidbit of information about the enigma that was Oliver Queen. Maybe one day she’d actually manage to solve the mystery that was the Green Arrow. She stepped into the apartment and was blown away. It was gorgeous. There was a corridor that lead to what she presumed were the bedrooms on the right side, and it seemed to turn around a corner behind what looked like stairs and go on at the end. Just a little into the apartment on the left side was a dark, wooden archway that led to what she presumed was the living room from the looks of it. The dark wood was also used for the pillars inside the living room and dining room behind it, there were dark wooden beams on the ceiling and in the corners. The amount of space and the sheer size of the apartment took her by surprise, given the entrance and the corridor she would’ve never expected it to be this huge. She could also see the balcony through the window front that seemed to span the entire lengths of the apartment.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it? The balcony actually goes all the way around, and the apartment had its own roof terrace on top of it. Ollie and Sara have a unique taste for decorating, don’t mind the peculiar way they placed their furniture or the strangeness of how their completely different tastes don’t clash but actually complement each other. I swear I have no clue how they managed that. It shouldn’t work, but it does.” It was almost as if Thea could read her mind.

“It’s an exquisite place.” Kara wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

“Yeah, Sara likes marvellous view, and height. I think that’s why they went with the apartment with the high ceiling and the wooden beams with space between them and the ceiling. I’m sure Sara likes to hang out up there. Well, not right now, I guess… and I wouldn’t be surprised to find either of them up there at some point, to be honest. C’mon sit down, make yourself comfortable, would you like something to drink?” Thea kept the conversation going, made the necessary introductions and her role as the perfect host up.

*******************************************************************************

Kara was extremely confused. She thought… weren’t Oliver and Sara a couple? She could’ve sworn they looked and acted like a couple just six weeks ago… Oliver had told her he loved her, in front of everyone… did they have a fight? But then again, the now obviously pregnant woman seemed to treat everyone the same, which meant ignoring the presence of the people inside her apartment. She understood what Thea had meant with Sara, probably using the kitchen as a place to hide away from everyone now. But why did she agree to hosting an event like this in her home when she obviously didn’t want any company? She spent the majority of the evening on the bay window seat in the living room, away from everyone. The small blonde had joined them for dinner, and that had been the only time during the evening that Oliver and Sara actually seemed like a couple. With Sara moving her chair so close to the man next to her, they might as well have been sitting on a bench together. What had been even more surprising was Oliver’s reactions, or lack thereof, when it came to the blonde’s peculiar behavior.

While he hadn’t left her side in Central City, he didn’t seem to mind her absence here. Or wasn’t surprised when she practically sat on top of him during dinner, taking up a lot of his personal space and room for him to actually use his cutlery, yet he also didn’t bat an eye when she got up as soon as everyone was done to retake her place at the bay window in the adjoining room. Once again, avoiding everyone. Except for the cute little girl who was practically attached to her hip, who she had learnt, after Alex had wondered about the two of them sharing the same name, was actually named after Sara.

To honor her… because Sara had died… what?

“Wait, what do you mean, Sara died?” She couldn’t have heard right? She turned her head to look at her sister and saw a very confused look on Alex’s face. Guess she didn’t hear wrong after all.

They were still sitting at the dining room table. Oliver, Thea, Laurel, Sara’s father, Felicity’s mother and Sin had left clearing the table and Dig and Lyla had taken their daughter, trying to get her to fall asleep in Oliver’s room.

“Oh, ahm, Sara died around two, two-and-a-half years ago… she was shot with three arrows and fell off of a rooftop. She was dead for like a little over a year before Laurel and Thea brought her back with the Lazarus Pit.” Cisco explained to her and Alex looking around as if to make sure no one was hearing him, as if he was doing something forbidden. Not that it helped her understand or made any sense at all.

“Oliver wouldn’t be happy to hear us talk about it. He doesn’t like to be reminded… well, neither are Laurel, Quentin, and Thea… or Sin for the matter… which is understandable. Well, anyway. Now you know why.” Felicity explained Cisco’s behavior.

“Now they know why what?” the unexpectedness of Oliver’s voice made all of them flinch. He looked intrigued, almost challenging, and a little scary if Kara were honest and it made her feel as if she had done something forbidden.

“Now they know why…” Felicity was desperately trying to come up with a lie when she was interrupted by a somber voice.

“Why Dig and Lyla named their daughter Sara.” Everyone’s eyes turned towards the voice and landed on the person they’d been talking about. Kara suddenly felt very uncomfortable, even more so than she had when Oliver showed up unexpectantly. Now she really felt like she had done something wrong. She had completely forgotten that Sara was just in the next room, well not even really another room given the open space layout of the apartment.

“The Lazarus Pit is a pool of regenerative waters, also known as the Fountain of Youth, it has been used by the League of Assassins for centuries. Its waters have mystical powers and can heal wounds or even revive someone who has died. But there’s a price to pay. There’s always a price to pay… I wouldn’t recommend the use of it.” The tone of Sara’s voice was very clipped while she answered the question she and Alex hadn’t asked yet. Her face was inscrutable, a blank mask, and it was impossible to know what she was thinking or feeling.

And yet, she turned her head to look at Oliver, who had a scowl on his face, a scowl that was replaced by worry when he looked at Sara. Maybe he was able to look passed the pregnant woman’s mask.

Sara turned towards Oliver and said something in a language no one besides the tall man seemed to understand. He answered her in the same language, still looking concerned, but made no move to stop her when she walked passed him and left the room.

“Okaay… I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you but just in case I haven’t it’s really rude when you two do this… you know, switch to Chinese so no one understands what you’re talking about.” Felicity turned her gaze away from the departing woman and to the imposing man she was addressing. Oliver cocked his head a little and scrutinized the woman, Kara was grateful that his stare was not directed at her and not surprised when the blonde next to her flinched slightly.

“It’s also rude to share personal information about other people or talking about them as if they weren’t in the room, while they are literally only a couple of feet away. Sara simply let me know that she’s going to lie down, because she’s tired and her lower back hurts and the baby is kicking her ribs. Not that it’s anyone’s business. Your conversation topic also made her feel uncomfortable and is not something she likes to talk about, even less share with people she barely knows. Having people talk about you as if you weren’t there doesn’t make someone feel welcome either.” Kara felt like a scolded child, and from the look on the faces of the people around her, she wasn’t the only one. Oliver was right. What they had done was rude. But she had honestly forgotten that Sara was in the same room with them, and she was sure so did everyone else. It wasn’t as if Sara had made any indication that she wanted to be a part of the festivities or gone out of her way to make her guests feel welcome… she had really just been quietly sitting close but always out of reach, that made it easy to forget her presence. This had been the first time since she greeted everyone after they had first arrived that she had said anything at all.

“Oliver, we didn’t mean… you’re right. I’m sorry.” Felicity started to defend their actions but then seemed to change her mind, looking remorseful. The look on Oliver’s face softened slightly, and he gave her a court nod.

“Thank you, but I’m not the one you need to apologize to.” He moved his eyes from Felicity and fixed them on Cisco, staring the other man down until Cisco broke the eye contact.

“How about we do that now. We go and apologize to Sara.” Cisco moved his chair slightly back as if to widen the space between him and Oliver, suddenly yet understandably looking very nervous.

“No. She left because she’s tired and uncomfortable, which means she wants to be alone. Leave her be for now. You can apologize the next time you see her. I mean, you can go and disturb her, but you better make sure your reflexes are fast and just don’t blame me if you end up getting a knife thrown at your head.” His voice was soft but determined and his face serious. At least until the last sentence, Kara could swear she could detect some amusement in both his voice and on his face. Was he joking? She suddenly remembered Barry telling her that Oliver had shot him. Which made her wonder if perhaps the thought of Cisco ending up with a knife thrown at him was the reason for the Green Arrow’s amusement. Wait, did that mean Sara tended to shoot her friends too?

She really wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out the answer to those questions.

And how was it that every time she spent time with them she only ended up with more question instead of solving the mystery that was Oliver and Sara?

*******************************************************************************

**Sin**

“Hey Sar, can I come in?” Sin had noticed Sara get up from her seat at the window and leave. It wasn’t hard for her to figure out where she went. So, she followed the blonde and was now leaning against the door frame to Sara’s room.

“Sure.” The woman in question turned her head towards her at the sound of her voice and actually lifted the comforter off her bed to show that she should join her on her bed. Sin walked into the room and made sure to close the door behind her before she joined Sara on her bed.

“Are you okay? You seemed… different, and things between Oliver and you seemed weird too. Did something happen?” She decided to get straight to the point. She knew Sara appreciated that, and she was really worried about her friend. She had seemed especially off today. She and Sara had been spending a lot of time together, but Oliver usually wasn’t around or busy preparing the nursery, so this was the first time in weeks she had seen the two of them together and something was just weird. Well, weirder than usual.

“I screwed up. I… a couple of nights ago… remember when I told you that Laurel was going to come over to talk about how Ollie and I ended up screwing behind her back?” blue eyes bore into hers and the blonde paused for a moment before Sin nodded her head in affirmation.

“Okay, well, she said some things… she asked me some questions that had me wondering, and then Ollie, was out longer than usual… so when he came home around four, five am I… I went into his room just to… I don’t know… make sure he was okay? Look in on him for a change? I’m not sure what I meant to do but definitely not what I ended up doing…” her sister in everything but blood stopped talking for a moment and she couldn’t help but comment, not really understanding the situation yet.

“Okay, so you guys screwed. What’s the big deal? I mean, it’s not like it was the first time… obviously.” Sin’s eyes demonstratively moved to her friend’s pregnant belly.

“Yeah, obviously.” Sara gave her a short but amused grin, which she returned, before sobering again.

“I broke my own rule. I swore I wouldn’t… after Central City I swore I’d keep things between us platonic, but I just…” Sara dropped her head in her hands.

“It’s not fair to him. What I’m doing right now is not fair to Ollie. I’m jerking him around. And that’s not… he deserves better. I don’t want to get his hopes up. I don’t want to hurt him. I just… keeping my distance from him hurts more than I thought it would, but not keeping my distance will only end up hurting him more when I leave and I… I don’t know what to do Sin. I… I just… I want…” Seeing her friend like this hurt, seeing the agony in her eyes, the uncertainty, it made her so sad. Sara deserved to be happy, she deserved everything that she wanted, everything that was currently right within her grasp. All she had to do was reach out and grab it. Sin knew that the life Sara wanted was the one Oliver was offering her. And it hurt her so much to see Sara struggle and believe that she did not deserve it. That she didn’t deserve to be happy. To raise her child with the man she loves. Sin had stayed out of it and kept her opinion on the matter to herself until now.

“Do you want to know what I think?” She looked expectantly at the older woman that she considered her sister.

“No, I just shared my feelings with you and poured my heart out to you for fun.” Sara rolled her eyes at her and looked exasperated.

“Okay, but remember you asked for it. I think you have the right to change your mind. I know you are scared, Sara. And I think I get it, but… look, you have no reason to be. I mean I guess you do, because becoming a parent is scary and being responsible for another human being, even more so a helpless little baby, is terrifying…” Sara was giving her a look that pretty much said ‘what the fuck are you doing? How is that supposed to make me feel better?!’ and she was not wrong, she had seriously gotten off track here.

“But… that’s not my point. You’d do great besides you’d have Oliver by your side every step of the way and that guy worships the ground you walk on and would do like anything for you. Look, what I meant to say is; you saved me. And I don’t just mean when you kept those guys from hurting me. You saved me, you took me in, you cared for me… something that no one has done since my dad disappeared during one of his flights when I was twelve years old. You took care of me when no one else would. When you didn’t have to, when you didn’t even know me, you even trusted me with your name and your secret. Even though you were going through so much, and you were on the run from the League, you still took the time to make sure I was alright. You made sure Oliver would check in on me and make sure I was fed and warm when you left. Sara, you have the capacity for so much love and you’ve done so much good, helped so many people… strangers… there is no way, no way… your child is so lucky to have you as a mom. To have someone who cares so much, who tries so hard to help people, to make the world a better place… and I know, I know how much you love your baby. And I know that you would never, ever hurt it. I don’t understand the whole blood lust thing, not really. But I know you and just like I knew you wouldn’t hurt me when I got between you and Roy, I know that you would never hurt your baby. You are not a killer, Sara. And your baby couldn’t do better than having you as a mom. I just thought you should know. Just in case… but it’s your choice and I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do. Cause that’s what sisters do, right?” She finished sharing her opinion and shyly looked at her savior.

Sara quietly looked at her for a long time after she shared her thoughts with the blonde. She was mustering her with her eyes, searching for something. Sin wasn’t sure what, but it seemed as if she had finally found it.

“Thank you.” It was the only reply she got before Sara drew her into a tight hug. Staying like this for a long while.

“Stay for a while to keep me company? Maybe watch a movie? I don’t feel like going back out there, but I don’t feel like being alone anymore either.” Sara looked at her expectantly after she released her from the hug.

“Sure, sounds like fun.” She agreed, getting comfortable on the bed, moving closer to Sara so she could snuggle up to her while they were watching TV. She loved moments like these, when it was just her and Sara doing something that other people would look at as mundane, something that sisters would do. These moments meant the world to her. The way Sara made her feel meant the world to her. Like family, like she mattered. Sara prioritizing her, choosing her company above everyone else’s always made her feel special. And loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, I like Kara and needed a reason for her to be in Star… lol. 
> 
> Please let me know if you would like another Thanksgiving chapter, or you know following right after this and Thanksgiving or if this one was fine and you'd like me to move on, moving on would mean another time jump. Thank you.
> 
> I wrote Sin, yay, I'm happy I actually did it but I'm really unsure if I got her right, which is why I haven't written her until now. I want to do her justice but find her really hard to write. I love her and I want to do right by her so please let me know if I didn't. 
> 
> So, timeline wise. The beginning of 11.59 happened, but Team Arrow never went to the prison, because Darhk was already dead. Andy left town shortly after Damien’s death… which means they don't know that he worked for H.I.V.E
> 
> Like I already mentioned before my timeline is different. Sara and Oliver left Star City during 11.59 which was in April. They slept together in May, came home at the end of August, Invasion was in October and it is now November. I really hope all of my math is correct and there are no mistakes in the previous chapters, I am still going through the whole story, editing stuff that no longer fits. 
> 
>   
> So, I put together some of the inspiration for Oliver and Sara's apartment, for anyone who's interested. You can find it here: 
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/joeeeydeee
> 
> Chapter titel is from the songs "Where’s My Love" by SYML and "Broken Ones" by Jacquie Lee.


	36. I get distant when I'm afraid, and I push you away always depressed, tryna find a better version of me making it difficult to open up and connect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara had not returned after the incident that led to her leaving her place at the bay window in the living room, and Kara felt terrible about it. She felt that it was her and Alex’s fault because they had asked questions that led to Sara feeling uncomfortable. She felt bad and guilty all throughout dessert and took the opportunity that presented itself once everyone was done and helped Oliver clear the table, ending up in the kitchen with him, alone. Just as she had hoped she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the long wait. 
> 
> Here's another Thanksgiving chapter, sort of

**Quentin**

“Come in.” This was not what he had expected when he rung the doorbell. He was almost certain that this was the first time since moving into the apartment that Oliver had not come to the door to let his guests in. But he decided to do what the voice of his daughter’s roommate asked him to, opened the front door and stepped into the apartment. He followed the noise after taking off his jacket, all the while wondering what might have kept Oliver from coming to the door. He got his answer when he reached the door to the kitchen. Oliver was standing by the stove which currently had four pots on it, while Sara sat at the counter across from him, facing the tall man while stirring something in the bowl she was holding.

“Ollie, can you try this? I’m not sure. I feel like it’s missing something… but I don’t trust my taste buds so I’m not sure… what do you think?” he saw his baby hold out the spoon to Oliver who leaned slightly over the counter and let her feed the contents of the spoon to him.

“No, it tastes good, you could maybe add some more spices… but otherwise it’s perfect.” The man replied without hesitation.

“Okay, more turmeric? Or cardamom?” Sara was looking at the jars of spices on the counter next to her, contemplating.

“Yeah, both. And maybe some more ginger? Just to give it a little more zing or you could use some pepper or chili for that, depending on how much ginger you’ve already used. Not that you won’t be able to eat your own pie.” Oliver was cutting vegetables while sharing his thoughts.

“How about some saffron? I mean obviously not for the zing, but you know, I feel like it’s still missing something, even if I add more turmeric, cardamom and ginger. Could it be saffron?” Oliver looked up from his vegetables the moment Sara mentioned saffron, and Quentin wasn’t sure how to describe the look on the other man’s face.

“That is genius, Pretty Bird. Yeah, saffron would work and make it even more special and memorable. Good thinking. If it's safe for you to take. Want me to look it up?” He smiled and winked at her before growing more serious.

"No, it's okay. It should be safe in the small dosages that are used in food." His daughter ensured her partner... maybe?

Pretty Bird.

It had been a while since he had last heard Oliver call his daughter that. They looked so domestic while cooking together. Which was a contrast to the last couple of weeks when Sara seemed to have kept Oliver at arm’s length and some distance between them, physically but also emotionally. Now, they reminded him of a married couple again. It made him wonder… he was the first person who had arrived. And it was just him and them at the moment. Was this how they always behaved when no one was around? Was this normal? Or was it an exception? Or a recent development in their relationship?

Had it anything to do with Oliver’s decision to keep the baby? No, he had made that choice over a month ago and Sara had still distanced herself from him. There were still moments when he couldn’t believe it. Moments he was almost afraid to believe it.

Oliver was keeping the baby.

He had been so very grateful when the suspicions he’s had when Oliver had left for Central City had been confirmed, and he had told them during their Sunday dinner after returning home from Central City that he had decided to keep the baby. That he decided to raise Sara and his daughter. Daughter. Sara and Oliver were having a little girl. His grandbaby was a girl.

Quentin wished he knew… he wished he had more information about their relationship. Yet, he respected their privacy and decision to keep everyone out of the loop when it came to the specifics of their relationship. Trying to do what Dinah had told him to. Leave them be and let them figure it out themselves, in their own time and pace. It wasn’t easy.

Part of him wished that Di were here, but she hadn’t been able to make it. Thanksgiving was Jeff’s holiday with his children and she didn’t want to miss it, but she had made plans with Sara to come visit for a couple of days next week. She had also agreed that they should talk about Christmas plans and had ensured him that there was no way in hell that she wouldn’t spend their baby’s first birthday and Christmas at home in 10 years with them.

Dinah and he had had more contact with each other over the last several months than they’ve had in all the years since their divorce. They talked at least once a week, trying to figure out how to help their daughters sort out their issues, how to help Sara and Oliver with their situation and ever since Oliver had decided to keep the baby, about becoming grandparents and everything that entailed. She also had been back to visit a handful of times and was the reason Sara and Oliver had decided to go to therapy. He had no clue how she had managed that one, but he was grateful. And the weekly appointments seemed to help them.

He watched them quietly a while longer. Sara having Oliver taste her pumpkin pie again before adding the filling to the crust and handing it over to the man to put it into the oven. Him handing her a knife, cutting board, and some vegetables after putting the ingredients for the pie away. Their interactions and the normalcy they represented would’ve made him wonder if they were aware of his presence, had they been anyone else. But he was sure that neither Oliver nor Sara would forget that someone had rung their doorbell and they had asked them to come in. Yet, they weren’t acknowledging his presence, just barely inside the kitchen, nor changing their behavior to the usual one they presented whenever they had guests. They both looked so completely relaxed and at ease with each other. It was so good to see them like this. And he almost felt bad to disrupt their moment of peace, but he was starting to feel like a voyeur.

“It smells amazing in here!” Both blondes finally turned their heads towards him, greeting him and therefore acknowledging his presence.

*******************************************************************************

He couldn’t recall how the idea to have Thanksgiving dinner with his two girls, the Queen siblings and Smoak women had turned into this.  
  
But he was positive that both Laurel and Felicity had played a crucial part in it. Laurel had been avoiding Sara, and he was almost certain Oliver too, ever since she and her sister had had what Dinah called a long overdue talk to clear the air and move towards leaving the past in the past. Something she insisted was unavoidable and important not only for their daughters and Oliver but also for their granddaughter. So she wouldn’t grow up in a family that had underlying issues that could bring negative feelings and consequences for the little girl. That it was important that her parents and her aunt were on good terms with no bad feelings between them, at least not some because of events that had happened over ten years ago. It was hard to argue with that logic.   
  
But so far all it had led to was Laurel avoiding her sister. Not that he couldn’t understand her reaction, after some of the things she had learnt. Tonight was the first time since their talk that they would be in the same place. He wasn’t sure what to expect. And if having so many people there was a good or a bad thing. Only time would tell.  
  
It had surprised him when his older daughter had showed up at his doorstep unannounced right after she had left her sister’s place. She had been a mess and broke down crying in his arms. It had taken her almost an hour to calm down enough to tell him what had happened.  
  
He had been floored by what she had told him, most of all the information just for how long Oliver and Sara had been involved behind Laurel’s back. He had never expected their affair to have been going on for that long. And he had to say he was mildly impressed about the fact that they had managed to keep it a secret for that long. They were both idiots back when they were kids. The amount of times they had gotten caught doing something forbidden, or the number of arrests they had under their belt, did not show a track record for them being good at hiding things or being sneaky… so this was very surprising.

On second thought, maybe not. Because now, when he thought about it, he had to admit that they actually hadn’t been that good at hiding it. Everyone had just refused to see it. Including him. Even though the signs and implications had been there.

They had been friends for years; they had spent a fair amount of time together for years. None of that was unusual for them, so having the two of them spend time together alone was nothing to warrant suspicion. Besides, no one would’ve ever thought they would do anything like this to Laurel. They both loved Laurel so there was no way… those were all reasons why they had managed to hide the affair, why no one questioned some of their behavior. Why they got away with it for as long as they apparently had. It was the same reason he hadn’t questioned whether Oliver was the Arrow while Sara had been involved with him. Sara had told him that Oliver knew nothing about the Arrow, and he had trusted his daughter’s word. What he couldn’t understand was why. Why Oliver hadn’t made a choice between his two daughters. And why Sara let him treat her the way he did. It was not like his younger daughter at all.

But then again. Laurel had mentioned that Sara had told her that noone had ever made her feel the way Oliver had. That he would tell her she was perfect the way she was. That he made her feel special and wanted. So maybe they’ve had it wrong all those years, maybe Oliver hadn’t treated her wrong, well, he had treaded her like his dirty little secret so he did in that aspect but when they were together. Was that why she had let him do what he did?

Quentin almost expected Laurel to blow up at Oliver at some point. Especially when Sara came to join them for dinner and attached herself to Oliver, the same way she had during that first afternoon the two of them had been home. Yet, she seemed to have shoved her feelings away for the night, still he made sure, and Donna helped, that they would not be alone in a room together. There was no need for a scene or drama on an otherwise really nice evening. Besides, he wasn’t sure if Sara could take an argument between Laurel and Oliver. She had been especially distant tonight and seemed to make sure to stay away from Laurel and give her space. Sara and Oliver also appeared to mostly keep their distance from each other, except during dinner when his youngest sought his company and the only time she had actually joined the group. He had almost gotten whiplash from the complete contrast in their behavior from when he had first arrived to when the next guests had shown up. They had gone from blissful domesticity to keeping their distance and barely interacting.  
  
Quentin had of course noticed the changes in Oliver and Sara’s behavior after they had returned from Central City and it hadn’t taken him long to figure out it came from Sara, but still tonight was extreme even for her. She had been keeping Oliver at arm’s lengths lately, but she had never avoided him before. Of course, Oliver was taking part in the festivities and mimed the perfect host, Moira Queen’s son indeed, and Sara didn’t like crowds. So, that might play into it. But he was almost certain that the parents to be were doing the same thing he did, trying to avoid drama and a scene in front of everyone. After all, they both knew Laurel and her explosive temper very well. His thoughts went back to the first family dinner that they’ve had in six years when Sara had showed up with Oliver in tow. Yeah, he really didn’t feel like having a repeat performance of that night, even less with more witnesses and not just family, and it seemed neither did Sara nor Oliver. They appeared to be going out of their way to not have a repeat performance of said night and rub their relationship into his older daughter’s face. Reminding her of their former affair and betrayal. Both of them acknowledging with their actions that Laurel’s freshly opened wounds were still raw and there was no need to add salt to them.

Sara and Oliver kept on surprising him with their actions, understanding of other people’s feelings and perceptiveness. But most of all, just how exceptionally good they were at pretending. They were so good at it he couldn’t tell when they were acting and when they were just being themselves. Well, he was pretty sure that they hadn’t been acting or pretending when he had first arrived this afternoon… despite that, their performance now was so very convincing. He would’ve bought it without question had he not seen their relaxed selves, completely at ease with each other only a couple of hours ago.

It scared him. How deception seemed to come so very naturally to them scared him.  
  
  
*******************************************************************************

**Kara**

Sara had not returned after the incident that led to her leaving her place at the bay window in the living room, and Kara felt terrible about it. She felt that it was her and Alex’s fault because they had asked questions that led to Sara feeling uncomfortable. She felt bad and guilty all throughout dessert and took the opportunity that presented itself once everyone was done and helped Oliver clear the table, ending up in the kitchen with him, alone. Just as she had hoped she would.

“Oliver, I’m sorry about making Sara uncomfortable in her own home. I really didn’t mean for her to spend the rest of the night alone in her room. Is there something I can do to make it better? And have her join us again?” The tall man turned towards her at the sound of his name and listened to her intently, looking at her and giving her his undivided attention. She had noticed him doing that before, during the Dominator attack, and also tonight. Oliver always provided people with his full attention, something not many people did. It was admirable and a little intimidating and unnerving.

“Thank you, Kara. Don’t worry about it. You’re not responsible for Sara staying away for dessert. She hasn’t been in a social mood at all today, as you might have noticed. It has nothing to do with you, trust me. Besides, she’s not alone, Sin’s with her and got them some pie a while ago, they’re watching a movie. It’s all good. Really. Don’t worry about it.” He smiled at her kindly and put his hand on her shoulder comfortingly. His entire demeanor surprised her, it was not at all what she had expected and didn’t really fit his previous actions after Sara had left the living room.

“Are you sure? I feel awful about what happened. You were right, it was very rude of us. And I want to make it up to her.” She insisted there must be something she could do. She was sure they were responsible, even if Oliver denied it.

“I’m sure. It’s fine. This… she’s not mad, she’s probably already over it. Look Kara, I’ve known Sara for a very long time and this is nothing, you actually did her a favor and gave her an excuse to leave. She doesn’t like crowds and honestly, she stayed longer than I expected her to. There’s a lot… she’s going through a lot right now, which is the reason for her anti-social behavior. I know that she probably came off as rude. Tonight was not an accurate portrayal of who Sara is.” The explanation surprised her. She hadn’t expected him to try to explain Sara’s behavior to her.

“Okay, if you say so. And thank you for explaining.” She appreciated it and fought the impulse to ask the questions his words had resulted in coming up in her mind.

“Of course. How about we head back in?” He gave her another smile while cocking his head toward the dining room.

*******************************************************************************

Kara looked at Alex after she heard an unexpected noise that had woken them up. The apartment had been quiet for the last couple of hours, ever since everyone else had left.

They quietly followed the voices and the light that was coming from the entrance to the living room. They stayed hidden outside the room while watching Oliver and Sara.

Oliver was sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room, his shirt was off, and Sara was on her knees in front of him.

“I swear Ollie, only you manage to get stabbed while buying fresh food at the market in Chinatown.” The blonde woman’s voice sounded equal parts exasperated and incredulous.

“Well, it’s not like I planned to get jumped by some thugs while getting high-quality food… You okay? I can really do it myself, Sara.” Oliver on the other hand sounded almost… amused… before it turned into concern. Kara shuddered at the thought of stitichung up your own wound.

“No, it’s okay, I’ve got it.” Now she sounded a little petulant and annoyed.

“Really, because you’ve gone way passed pale and are very close to white as a sheet… just let me know if you’re going to puke… it would kind of defeat the point of disinfecting and stitching me up you’ve done if you end up throwing up all over your handy work…” the sound of his voice made it obvious that he was teasing her, which was weird, Oliver teasing, being playful was not something she had expected even less while he was being stitched up. But the layer of concern in his voice was easy to detect, even through the teasing. He had moved one of his hands and was stroking the cheek of the woman in front of him with the back of it.

“I’m not going to barf… I think. Here. Done.” Sara put the needle down next to Oliver, disinfected his wound again and then took some gauze and put it on his side.

"I might faint though." The pregnant blonde added before scooting back a little and resting her head on Oliver’s left thigh. It was a move that spoke of intimacy and a special kind of closeness. Both of their behaviors were a huge contrast to the ones they had presented during the evening. 

It was this new position of the woman in front of him that led to them having an unobstructed sight of Oliver, or more accurately his shirtless torso and what Kara saw made her eyes widen in shock and horror. His body was covered in scars. She only vaguely noticed the tattoos on his chest and side, but she was mostly occupied with the different shapes and sizes of the scars and wondered for a moment how he was still alive. It also didn’t take her long to find the fresh wound. On his right side, part of the white gauze covered some of his tattoo next to it, the wound was about the same lengths as the tattoo.

“God, this is embarrassing. I don’t even remember the last time that the sight of blood made me bat my eyes, even less feel sick.” Her voice was slightly muffled by his thigh. Oliver was stroking her hair with his right hand, while he took one of her hands in his left, interlacing them.

“Your body is going through a lot right now. This is probably just another side effect of the pregnancy… think about it. Just last week, the sight of raw meat nearly made you puke. I’m sure it’ll pass and you’ll be back to pulling an Allison Cameron instead of Snow White on me when I come home all bloody.” Oliver’s voice was soft and reassuring and he put a lot of humor in it at the end, just like his face showed amusement and he was grinning.

“Yeah, I hope so. This is seriously inconvenient… nice House reference I’m impressed… hold on, Snow White, really?” Sara’s voice turned from somber to amused to incredulous towards the end.

“Yeah, well, someone spent hours making me watch hospital shows growing up… House M.D. was superior to the rest… and skin as white as snow… seems fitting…” Oliver countered, amused.

“That’s true, we should watch it again, I mean, we stopped watching in 07… hair as dark as ebony and lips as red as blood… in need to be saved by a prince…” Sara continued sounding annoyed when she came to the fairytale.

“Details… you’d rather I compared you to a ghost?” the man replied, rolling his eyes.

“Well, yeah, actually I would rather be compared to a ghost than a princess that had men assault her while she was in a coma…” the blonde’s head was still laying on Oliver’s thigh, but she had turned her face towards his so she could look at him. That unexpected turn in their conversation took Kara aback. She had never looked at it like that. Oh wow, now that Sara had mentioned it, it was kind of hard not to see it that way. Snow White and the seven dwarfs had just turned creepy and disturbing. Now she was suddenly wondering what might have led to Sara looking at the fairytale like that… and almost at the same time decided that maybe she didn’t want to know…

“It is a really disturbing story, and no, I will not tell it to our daughter… at least not the original version where Snow gets sexually assaulted by strangers… change that bit to something more appropriate… like I don’t know… she woke up after he softly took her hand into his… how bout that?” Oliver on the other hand didn’t seem to be surprised by the turn in their conversation at all.

“Better but still…” Sara had started to tap the fingers of her right hand on the outside of Oliver’s thigh her head was still laying on.

“Alright, Caspar, I’ll get Snow on a soapbox and have her kick some ass. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she knows that she doesn’t need a man or woman to validate her or take care of her… that she doesn’t need anyone to take care of her…” Kara could make out Oliver’s grin and the way he rolled his eyes at the woman in front of him while mentioning the soapbox and she felt like there was some backstory to that that she and Alex were missing. His voice turned serious as soon as he talked about his unborn daughter thought. And Kara was once again impressed by Oliver and his attitude and stance on the matter he was talking about. He didn’t give the impression to be… it did not fit the typical alpha male vibes that they were getting from him.

“Except for you.” Sara lifted her head and put her hands on his cheeks, looking him straight in the eyes before softly kissing him on the lips.

“Your little Hummingbird will always need you in its life.” Oliver had put his hands on her pregnant stomach, softly stroking it.

“Quentin, Laurel and Speedy have been asking me again if I have decided on a name yet…” he let the sentence fade out and just hang there. They could see Sara dropping her hands from his face and putting them into her lap.

“I told you, it’s your choice… just… I wouldn’t mind if you ignored the Lance family tradition of using Dinah… for several reasons but mostly that naming your baby after its aunt who is also your ex would be highly inappropriate, no matter what my parents say.” Kara looked at her sister confused and with wide eyes as Sara’s words registered in her mind and Alex returned the look in kind.

Who was Dinah?

“Honestly, I’ve never even considered Dinah, exactly because of that. And I’m pretty sure Laurel would not appreciate us naming our daughter after her. Just like I’m not going to go with the Queen family tradition of recycling the names of former family members. Our little Hummingbird deserves her own name. With no complicated family history behind it. I mean, I thought about naming her after mom… but it doesn’t feel right… not after everything with William and knowing… knowing that she would not approve of you and me having a child together. I’m sorry.” They couldn’t make out Sara’s face but she had shifted back a little and her shoulders had stiffened during the conversation, they could see Oliver’s face and noticed the way his eyes searched Sara’s face and he pursed his lips before apologizing to her. Why was he apologizing?

“It’s okay. You needed to share your thoughts with someone.” Sara’s voice was soft and slightly hoarse.

“I know you don’t… I know this is a topic you don’t like to talk about and I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.” He kissed her softly before resting his forehead against hers.

Why wouldn’t she want to talk about her baby’s name? What was going on?

“Don’t. Ollie. You don’t have to apologize for talking to me about something that’s important to you, even if it makes me uncomfortable. You won’t ever have to apologize for sharing your thoughts with me. I’ll always be here to listen. I promise.” Sara’s voice was still soft and hoarse, but there was so much underlying conviction it left no room to question her statement. Her hands were back on his cheeks again, softly caressing them with her thumbs, holding his face in them.

Kara was so engrossed in the scene that played out in front of her, she flinched when something pinched her thigh. She turned her head and saw her sister pointing her head towards the direction they had come from and the guest bedroom Oliver had given them to stay in for the night. She quietly followed Alex back down the hall, feeling guilty about watching Oliver and Sara and at the same time being very intrigued about their interactions and conversations.

Why was Sara referring to her baby as it, while Oliver was clearly not leaving any doubt as to the fact that it was a girl, that part of their conversation made no sense at all? Neither did Sara not liking the topic of her child’s name… Kara couldn’t help but be very confused but also very, very intrigued. She had this urge to solve the puzzle that was the Green Arrow and his Pretty Bird.

Every single interaction that she’s had with Oliver or Sara or both of them together always reminded her of Winston Churchill’s words about Russia:

_«It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key.»_

Only she was starting to believe that there was no key when it came to the mysteries that were Oliver Queen and Sara Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys liked this chapter. And that I managed to get Quentin and Kara right.
> 
> And yeah, Sara and Oliver are all over the place when it comes to each other and the status of their relationship... they have issues... and it's not my fault Sara gets all soft and touchy-feely when Oliver comes home from an early morning trip to the Chinese market with a bloody, gaping wound in his side... 
> 
> I also hope that Sara's behavior makes a little more sense now. 
> 
> Kara and Alex are staying with Oliver and Sara because everyone from Central City has been divided to stay with people and it was decided that the sisters would stay with Oliver and Sara. It was very late by the time people decided to head home.
> 
> I thibk I'll do one more Thanksgiving chapter after this, unless you guys don't want it. There'll be a slight time jump after that.  
> Let me know how you feel about that.
> 
> The chapter title is from the song "Time" by NF.


	37. These battle scars ain't ever going to change the only thing that comes is the enemy within the post-traumatic stresses it never be over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara, the beautiful pregnant woman hiding away at the bay window seat, intrigued her. She appeared to be disinterested in the events in her home or the conversations, and yet, Alex could’ve sworn that she wasn’t missing a thing that was going on. There was something about her… something she couldn’t put her finger on, but the agent in her knew that there was more to the woman than met the eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all thank you so much to everyone who is reading this story and for everyone who leaves kudos.  
> And a huge thank you to everyone who takes the time to comment, it means everything to me and seriously makes my days. I love knowing what you guys think about it and appreciate the time every single one of you takes to comment. 
> 
> Here's another Thanksgiving chapter.

**Alex**  
  
  
  
Alex hadn’t been sure about this. Spending Thanksgiving on another earth with strangers didn’t sound like a lot of fun but Kara had been very insistent, and she had to admit that she was intrigued about this other earth and the people her sister had told her so much about and was looking forward to finally meet them and put faces to the names.

Meeting Barry and his friends was just as expected. Team Flash, as they referred to themselves were all very open and friendly people, which came with no surprise to her, they were Barry’s friends and he was the male version of her sister, for once and Kara had only told her good things about them.

What had surprised her and given the look on Kara’s face her sister too, was when Barry told them that there was a slight change of plans and Team Arrow would celebrate with them, including a handful of civilians who didn’t know about everyone’s alter egos and that they would not have Thanksgiving in Central City but in Star City. At Oliver’s place.

That had been a very unexpected turn of events, given everything she had learnt about Team Arrow’s leader from her sister. Not that it was an unwelcome one. She had actually wanted to meet Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow, the guy who had the guts to bench her sister during an alien invasion that had threatened the entire world. She really wanted to give him a piece of her mind. It wasn’t hard for her to picture the type of man she was sure he was. She was a woman working as an agent in a secret government organization. She had been confronted with bigoted alpha males who had issues with powerful women, the entirety of her career. The “Green Arrow” seemed to fit that bill to a T. It made her wonder about the friendship between Barry and Oliver, Kara had told her about. Barry was such a sweetheart, and Oliver seemed to be your typical alpha male with a superiority complex. It made her worry about Barry and she hoped he wasn’t trying to be more like his friend and, according to her sister, mentor. Kara had mentioned that there were circumstances that had probably played a part in why Oliver had treated her the way he had, but her sister was too nice sometimes and always tried to make excuses for people’s behaviors.

Getting to Star City was no problem with Cisco’s powers, he just “vibed” them there.

“Oh, it’s no big deal, I do it for Caitlin regularly, makes it easier for her to do freaking Canary’s checkups.” The young man explained, yet it didn’t help her understand what he was talking about. Checkups? Canary?

They ended up on what appeared to be the top floor of an apartment building. Penthouse? Really? Oliver Queen seemed to turn out to be a walking cliché. All that seemed to be missing was a hot, young blonde bimbo opening the door after Barry knocked.

Well, that was the first assumption she had about Oliver that turned out to be wrong. A very pretty, young brunette who turned out to be his baby sister opened the door.

“Hi, guys c’mon in, Ollie’s in the kitchen and pretty much banned everyone except for Sara, Dig, Lyla and Sin for some reason from entering… and I’m pretty sure Sara is simply using the kitchen as a place to hide away from everyone… even though her pumpkin pie is divine and to die for. Well anyway, c’mon in make yourself at home. I’m Thea, by the way, Ollie’s sister. You must be Kara’s sister Alex.”. Thea Queen was styled to perfection and very warm and welcoming. She let them pass, showed them where to hang their coats and then steered them towards what they soon learnt was the very spacious living area. The apartment was gorgeous and appeared to be huge and was actually consisting of two floors, if she saw that right. The high ceilings were especially impressive, so was the balcony that seemed to stretch the entire lengths of the apartment. Oliver Queen liked to live in style, she had not been wrong about that. The fact that he cooked surprised her.

“Yeah, Sara likes marvelous views, and height. I think that’s why they went with the apartment with the high ceiling and the wooden beams with space between them and the ceiling. I’m sure Sara likes to hang out up there. Well, not right now, I guess… and I wouldn’t be surprised to find either of them up there at some point, to be honest. C’mon sit down, make yourself comfortable, would you like something to drink?” She listened intently to their host’s sister’s explanation while taking it all in. Sara? It was the second time the woman was just casually mentioned by Thea. A name that wasn’t familiar to her and her sister hadn’t mentioned before. She turned her head to look at Kara, but she didn’t seem surprised by the mention of the woman. That made her wonder. Who was she and why hadn’t Kara told her about her before? She had talked about what had happened here in lengths and about all the people she had met. So why not the woman who apparently lived with Oliver?

“Sit down, get comfortable and you know, just act as if you were at home. Well, sort of. The bay window seat is off limits, everywhere else is fine.” Thea was the perfect host, making the introductions, offering them drinks and just ensuring that everyone was taken care of. She looked so natural and as if she had done this at least a hundred times, which was interesting, Alex guessed that she was in her early twenties, very early twenties. Not an age where one would normally be this poised and equipped to entertain a gathering like this. So, it was probably her upbringing… upper class?

She had to admit that everyone was very friendly and welcoming. Conversation flowed easily, and she was really enjoying herself. They had been in Star City for a while when a tall, muscular, light-haired man stepped into the living room. He had that typical Alpha male vibe that she’s been confronted with her entire career, just as she had assumed he would. Her first impression of Oliver Queen was exactly what she had expected. Well, mostly. He had come up to her, offered her his hand and smiled charmingly while introducing himself and thanking her and Kara for coming. He then joined in on the conversation. He was friendlier than Kara had described, actually he was a very decent host. To almost everyone’s surprise, it almost seemed to come to him naturally. He, just like Thea, was styled to perfection and the way he held himself with confidence and poise, spoke of an upper-class upbringing.

It was while watching Oliver, to get a better read on him that she noticed how his attention turned from the group, to the entrance of the living room and the smile on his face gave way to concern for just a split second before it changed back.

Alex turned her head to see what had led to that reaction from the man and saw a beautiful, blonde woman step into the room. She was styled to perfection too, just like Thea and Oliver: the gorgeous dress she was wearing was neither emphasizing nor concealing her obviously pregnant state.

“Sara, baby, why don’t you come join us?” Quentin Lance, Laurel’s father, former detective… long story, addressed the newcomer and answered her question as to who she was.

The new addition walked further into the room and came a little closer, but didn’t seem to want to join them. She stopped before she had reached them.

“Thanks dad, I’m n… Hi everyone.” She started but stopped herself before actually answering the question. Dad, so she was Laurel’s sister. She turned her head back towards the blonde just in time to notice the silent conversation she seemed to have with Oliver, who had shifted to the edge of his seat and leaning forward a little as if getting ready to get up any moment.

“Ollie, I think you might want to check on the turkey… I would’ve but… you know…” she addressed the man in question.

“Got it, meat’s my responsibility. Thanks, Pretty Bird.” He got up from his seat and squeezed her shoulder while walking past her. Sara put her hand on his for a moment, holding on to it when he lifted it from her shoulder and walked past her, following him before letting go of his hand and turning right towards the bay window while Oliver kept ongoing straight ahead and out the living room door. While Sara made herself comfortable on the bay window seat. Turning away from everyone and looking out the window.

Alex mulled over what Oliver had called the woman he shared an apartment with.

Pretty Bird.

That was an unusual nickname, and she wondered what the story behind it was. It was also kind of sweet. Had he come up with it?

Oliver returned only a short moment later, retaking his seat and rejoining the conversation. Yet, Sara stayed away, which was very strange, her whole behavior was strange. It made Alex question what might have brought it on. There seemed to be a lot more to it than disinterest and rudeness. Sara had looked very uncomfortable when she had stepped into the room and her father had asked her to join them. It had almost looked like she was asking Oliver for help to get out of the situation and answering the question.

They’d been at the apartment for about an hour when a couple arrived, they were introduced to her as John “Dig” Diggle and Lyla Michaels with their daughter who wriggled free from her father’s arms almost immediately and took a beeline for Oliver, yelling “Uncle Ollie up!” while running at him as fast as her little legs were carrying her. The tall man stood up from his place on the couch and squatted down in order to catch her and throw her in the air, beaming at her while the little girl was laughing. He caught her and sat her on his hip while peppering her face with kisses, which the girl returned.

She could see Sara in the corner of her eyes watching the exchange between the two and smile fondly, yet, there seemed to be sadness around her eyes.

“How’s my big girl?” he wanted to know from the child in his arms, right before setting the girl back down once she answered his question with “good” and tried and wriggle free. She set out to greet everyone she knew with hugs and kisses as soon as her little feet hit the ground. Little Sara Diggle, as she had learnt the girl’s name was, looked confused for a moment after she was done with everyone in the room and ran back to Oliver, who squatted back down to be closer to her height.

“Uncle Ollie, where’s Auntie Sara and little Hummingbird?” she looked at him with big eyes and seemed to expect he have the answer to her question, which was interesting, she could’ve asked anyone, yet she chose to run all the way back to Oliver.

“She’s feeling a little sad, why don’t you go give her some hugs and kisses to make her feel better?” Oliver drew her closer, turned her around and pointed to Sara, sitting at the bay window. The little girl took off at full speed again towards the bay window and the blonde woman. She climbed up the two steps and Sara helped her up onto the seat where she was tackled by the two-year-old who hugged and kissed her and somehow ended up on her lap, with her little hands on the woman’s pregnant stomach her face almost pressed into it while she appeared to be talking to the baby.

The entire exchange between Oliver and Sara Diggle threw her for a loop. She had not expected that. This very unexpected side to Oliver was very refreshing and intriguing. Oliver Queen turned out to be a lot more layered and complex than she had thought.

Maybe she had been wrong about him.

*******************************************************************************

Alex had wondered for a moment if Sara would join them when Dig declared that according to Oliver, dinner was ready and they should all sit down. She had almost been sure that the blonde wouldn’t when Oliver joined them with the turkey and placed it on the table, offering the knife to Quentin, to her utter surprise.

“Would you do the honors, Quentin?” It was at that moment that Sara appeared right next to the tall man and leaned into him while he was handing the knife over to the older man, draping his arm over the shoulders of the pregnant woman next to him while pulling it back. He tugged her a little closer and kissed her temple before bending down and whispering something in her ear. He then took a step back to pull the chair next to his closer, ending up behind Sara in the process. The seemingly random move led to his bulk, almost shielding the mother-to-be from the guests next to them. Sara scooted her chair as close to Oliver’s as was physically possible and had one of her hands on his thigh almost for the entire meal, while he had his arm around her. But Sara got up and off the table almost the moment everyone was done, and Oliver made no move to stop her from returning to her window seat. Their actions were as confusing as they were intriguing.

What was their story?

Was the baby Oliver’s?

She had also noticed the looks the two had been receiving from everyone. And she was sure that there was a lot that she was missing here. Especially between the two sisters, if she didn’t interpret the obvious tension between them wrong. But the look Laurel had given Sara when she snuggled up to Oliver had spoken volumes, and Alex wasn’t sure what exactly it had been saying, but that had been one hell of a look. Quentin’s face had turned apprehensive and his eyes had moved between his daughters for the entirety of the meal. Donna, Felicity’s mom and Quentin’s girlfriend, seemed to have engaged Laurel into an intense conversation on purpose and dragged her own daughter in shortly after, once she had noticed the way Felicity had looked at Oliver and Sara too. That had been another very loaded look.

What the hell was going on with Team Arrow? And how did Sara play into it?

*******************************************************************************

Sara, the beautiful pregnant woman hiding away at the bay window seat, intrigued her. She appeared to be disinterested in the events in her home or the conversations, and yet, Alex could’ve sworn that she wasn’t missing a thing that was going on. There was something about her… something she couldn’t put her finger on, but the agent in her knew that there was more to the woman than met the eye. The blonde appeared to be hyper vigilant the whole time. And her eyes, there was a deep sadness behind those sapphire eyes and they looked too old for a woman her age, as if she’s seen too much. They were endless pools of a whirl of emotions, like the water in a lake that was bright and sparkling clear on a sunny day but appeared like a bottomless pit of darkness at night. Darkness? Where had that come from?

Alex tried to recall Sara’s eyes again. There had been sadness and pain and hurt and something… something dangerous, something that made her think of darkness.

What was it that Sara was struggling with? Alex was almost certain that there was a deeper cause and reason behind her behavior, even more after dinner than before. It had almost looked like she had been using Oliver for support, as if the physical contact with him was making her more comfortable around the rest of them. It was almost as if… Sara reminded her of… it almost appeared as if Sara had a form of PTSD.

The other interesting thing was that besides little Sara Diggle and Oliver, no one actually approached her and just left her alone in her own corner of the living room. And the only time Oliver had approached her was after dinner, when he brought her some freshly brewed tea and the blanket from the back of the armchair in the living room, before going back to helping clear the table.

It was while the Queen siblings and two-thirds of the Lance family, including Felicity’s mom and Sin where in the kitchen she remembered something, that had surprised her for a moment but she had forgotten until now, probably because Dig and Lyla were currently trying to get the origin of her question to go to sleep.

“Is there a reason that Dig and Lyla’s daughter share the same name as Laurel’s sister? Or just coincidence?” She voiced her thought and after Barry, Caitlin and Felicity shared an uncomfortable look Cisco decided to answer her question after looking around.

“Dig and Lyla named their daughter after Sara, to honor her. Baby Sara was born the same night that Sara had died.” Wait, what? She wasn’t sure she had heard right and turned to Kara, wondering if she was aware of it and what exactly it was that Cisco was saying. The dark-haired man looked around again and explained a little further, not that it made a lot more sense to her. What was a Lazarus Pit and how exactly could… they brought her back to life more than a year after she had died? How as that even possible? And no wonder she was withdrawn and distant. Jesus! She was still trying to wrap her mind around this new, very crazy information when Felicity chimed in and explained Cisco’s peculiar behavior. She had been so absorbed in everything she had learnt that the new voice completely took her by surprise.

“Now they know why what?” Oliver’s sudden appearance surprised all of them and from the stern look on his face and the squinted eyes, not to forget the tense undertone in his voice suggested that the question was rhetorical, and he already knew the answer. Felicity looked as if she desperately tried to come up with a good lie. She never got the chance to say anything though, because another voice answered his question.

“Why Dig and Lyla named their daughter Sara.” She turned towards the toneless voice that had spoken and saw that the woman they had been talking about had left her vigil at the bay window and was standing close to them, across from Oliver. She got similar vibes from her as she did from Oliver. Both of them seemed to contain power, anger, and violence inside of their bodies.

“The Lazarus Pit is a pool of regenerative waters, also known as the Fountain of Youth, it has been used by the League of Assassins for centuries. Its waters have mystical powers and can heal wounds or even revive someone who has died. But there’s a price to pay. There’s always a price to pay… I wouldn’t recommend the use of it.” Her face was an emotionless mask, yet her stance seemed almost hostile, her arms were crossed over her chest, just above her rounded stomach, making the pregnancy even more obvious. She could feel the hairs on her neck stand up and a shiver run through her, warning her of danger. But it were the eyes, Sara’s eyes that send chills down her spine. They reminded her of an underwater cave, deep, beautiful and dangerous, hinting at all the secrets that are hidden away in the endless darkness of the abyss inside. There was danger and darkness hidden inside those sapphire depths that she was certain she didn’t want to release. The blonde’s attention moved to Oliver, and she spoke to him in what Alex assumed was Chinese, before walking past him and leaving the room.

Huh, Oliver spoke Chinese? That was an interesting fact, and a tough language to learn.

Her attention turned to the man in question, and it did not help to get her body out of the fight-or-flight mode it had gone into at Sara’s sudden presence. Oliver’s entire stance screamed danger, his shoulders were tense, his arms flexed, and his fists clenched, his eyes were squinted, and his lips pursed, and the look in his eyes mirrored the one in Sara’s. And Alex had to admit, that this was the first time since meeting him, that Oliver Queen felt like a threat, like someone she should be afraid of, someone dangerous. She could feel herself shudder and made a note to herself that Sara was someone that could turn Oliver into a serious threat.

Alex wasn’t sure whether Felicity was brave or stupid when she chose this moment to point out that Oliver and Sara speaking another language around people who didn’t speak it was rude. Wasn’t she aware of the situation? This was so not the moment for that. Their conversation had been extremely inconsiderate and possibly triggered something in Sara, which Oliver took personal and turned his former care into full-blown protectiveness. He reminded her of a dangerous predator, defending his territory, ready to pounce at any given moment.

“It’s also rude to share personal information about other people or talking about them as if they weren’t in the room, while they are literally only a couple of feet away. Sara simply let me know that she’s going to lie down, because she’s tired and her lower back hurts and the baby is kicking her ribs. Not that it’s anyone’s business. Your conversation topic also made her feel uncomfortable and is not something she likes to talk about, even less share with people she barely knows. Having people talk about you as if you weren’t there doesn’t make someone feel welcome either.” She could see the effort it took him to stay calm, to keep his voice even and not raise it in anger. He was right, of course he was. Had she known that her innocent question about a two-year-old’s name would’ve led to that explanation and this situation, she would’ve never asked. This had not been her intention. She hoped the situation could be defused before it exploded. It appeared that Felicity had not been brave before and finally got the hint and managed to read the room and the situation, apologizing to Oliver, who in return pointed out he was not the one they needed to apologize to but to leave Sara alone, for now.

*******************************************************************************

Alex turned towards Kara and realized that her sister had heard the noise that had woken her up too. It had almost sounded like something falling to the floor. They shared another look before getting up to make sure everything was alright. They slowly and quietly followed the light that shone from the living room and could make out voices the closer they got. They stopped right in front of the door leading to the open space of the living area and saw Oliver sit on the coffee table in the living room while Sara was kneeling on the floor in front of him. His bloody shirt was lying on his left, while the first aid kit was on his right side next to him on the table. It was also the right side that Sara was stitching up. They looked well-rehearsed and the D.E.O. agent was sure that this was far from the first time that Sara had to bandage Oliver’s wounds. The conversation they were having was only reaffirming her belief. She was surprised when he was more concerned with her well-being than his stab wound that warranted stitches. Again, an action she would not have expected from him.

“I might faint though.” The pregnant blonde added, after assuring him she would not throw up all over him, before scooting back a little so she could rest her head on Oliver’s left thigh. It was an intimate move that spoke of familiarity and closeness that must represent the sheer depths of their relationship. 

The sight of Oliver’s naked torso made Alex suck in a breath and hold it for a long time. The vast amount of scars on his upper body was shocking. And it was very obvious to her he must have been tortured at least once, given some of the telltale scars. There were scars from bullet wounds, stab wounds, burn marks, and was that a… bite mark? Taking in his scars made it clear that it was a wonder that he was alive. She couldn’t even imagine the pain and horrors he must have faced… his body was like a physical representation, a constant reminder of the trauma he must have faced.

And she suddenly understood. She understood Oliver Queen in a way she never thought she would. She also understood his reasonings for benching Kara during the invasion.

Oliver was a soldier. Oliver had been to war several times from the looks of it. And yet he was still here, he was still fighting. Still trying to help and make a difference. Pushing forward, trying.

“God, this is embarrassing. I don’t even remember the last time that the sight of blood made me bat my eyes, even less feel sick.” And so was Sara, from the sound of it.

They were the same.

Whatever hell Oliver had been through, she was almost certain that Sara had shared it with him. She knew now what they reminded her of. Soldiers that had been at war together, that had fought together, that had become more than allies, more than friends, even more than family. The ones that came back usually came back sharing a bond with their fellow soldiers that was almost unbreakable. They had an understanding for each other that no one else shared, no one else could share. Because they had seen and faced the same horrors, horrors most people couldn’t even imagine. And given their conversation it sounded like they had already known each other before whatever had happened to them had happened, they had grown up together. That would only make the bond stronger.

And she was faced with yet another side of Oliver Queen’s. He was completely relaxed and joking. He had just been stitched up for a knife wound that span the lengths of about a third of his side, and yet he was completely at ease and being playful with his roommate.

Alex could feel the bile rise in her throat when the conversation between the two suddenly turned, the sound of Sara’s voice, the look on Oliver’s face… no wonder Sara had felt uncomfortable around a group of people. Wait, did that mean… was the baby… god, she hoped not, she couldn’t even imagine what she must feel like if her pregnancy resulted from being sexually assaulted… Jesus.

The last of her thoughts thankfully appeared to be proven wrong by Oliver’s own words.

“… our daughter…” so she had been right, the baby was Oliver’s. It made her wonder about the type of their involvement. Things seemed to be a lot more complicated than they looked. And yet another turn in their conversation only confirmed her thought. Alex could feel a pang and her heart constrict painfully when she watched and listened to their interaction while talking about their baby. Whatever Sara was struggling with was keeping her from embracing her pregnancy and baby. She hoped that they could figure it out and that Sara would feel better soon. The conversation made her very uncomfortable. They shouldn’t be here, they shouldn’t be listening to a very private conversation by two people who had the potential to become their friends. She pinched Kara’s thigh to get her attention and cocked her towards their room, signaling to her sister that they should leave the couple alone. Kara followed her without hesitation.

“Sorry, I didn’t tell you about Sara. She had come to Central City after the fight was over, and it had been pretty obvious from their actions that they were involved. And I accidentally found out she’s pregnant, but it seemed that they hadn’t wanted people to know yet, so I said nothing and telling you would’ve felt like betraying their trust and doing something they wouldn’t approve of. And I know different earths it wouldn’t have really mattered because no one knows them there but… I’m sorry.” Her sister babbled and explain as soon as they were back in the guest room.

“Kara, it’s fine. You did the right thing. I got the impression that they are very private people, respecting that is important. And if I read them right, the reason they weren’t going public with her pregnancy was probably a safety percussion. I’m sure Oliver has a lot of enemies.”

Alex ended up lying awake for a very long time. Processing everything she had learnt and seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so let me know what you think.
> 
> I figured, Alex is an agent, she wanted to become a doctor so I figured she knows scars and understands what a life of fighting can do to you and see the signs of PTSD and sexual assault and torture. She is very pragmatic in Supergirl and I really hope I got her right. It was not easy to write her but I really wanted to, lol. 
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Battle Scars" by Guy Sebastian, Lupe Fiasco


	38. There is a fire inside of this heart, a riot about to explode into flames tell me you won't break my heart You won't tear my world apart I got a fear in my blood don't just slip away in the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver walked towards his room when he spotted Sara, standing in the center of the nursery, which in and of itself was a sight that surprised him. She had avoided their daughter’s room like the plague ever since he had started to get it ready for their little one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahm... well... 
> 
> We get the reveal of the baby's name in this! Yay! Let me know what you think about it. Seriously, I was really excited to share the name with you, I've known it for like months and almost couldn't wait to let you guys know, so please, tell me what you think about my choice. Even if you don't like it or think that Oliver (and Sara) wouldn't chose it. I just really wanna hear your thoughts, lol. 
> 
> I'll get more in depth talking about this chapter in the notes at the end... don't want to spoil it.

**Sara**

Sara wasn’t sure what drove her to do this... why she suddenly felt she had to do this... maybe it was the newly painted door. It was beautiful, painted in a light jade green color, and in the middle of the door next to the doorknob was a tree branch with a bird’s nest on it and Ollie had written “The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs” on the top half of it. She could see… just the door to their baby’s room… she had never known that a door could portray and represent someone’s love and devotion as deeply as this one did Oliver’s.

Or maybe it was the conversation she’s had with Sin at Thanksgiving…

She hesitated for a moment, studying the door before carefully opening it and very slowly and hesitantly stepping into the room she had been avoiding for so long. No, not avoiding, pretending didn’t exist for the last seven weeks... until now. She only managed to take two steps before she stopped in awe. It was beautiful. It was almost... magical. She could easily see how much love and care Ollie had put into this room.

It was breathtaking.  
  
The walls were a soft, calming blue, his favorite color. The ceiling was an even lighter blue, but it was decorated with hundreds of little stars with real star signs, mimicking the actual night sky. It must have taken Ollie ages to get that alone done... Sara stared up at the ceiling for a long time, recognizing the night sky Ollie had recreated, probably by memory. It was a sight that they had looked at almost every night together for months while they had been stuck on Lian Yu. Making up their own star signs and giving them ridiculous names. She bit her lip as her eyes began to tear up. Leave it to Ollie to do something so sweet, so personal… yet no one besides the two of them would ever know just how significant and unique it was.  
  
She turned her damp eyes away from the ceiling in order to gaze around the room, stopping at a changing table that was strategically well placed in the corner beside to the bay window seat. The wardrobe was on the wall across from it. There was a white leather rocking chair and a small wooden table with a white lamp on top of it in the opposite corner connecting with the wall adjacent to it, the wall to Ollie’s room. A wall she had so far only let herself glance at out of the corner of her eyes. She turned her eyes towards the wardrobe again, the beautiful white piece of furniture with the intricate design. Everything was just… there were a couple of small toys scattered around the room on different pieces of furniture or on shelves, but it was obvious that everything had its place, there was a blanket thrown over the rocking chair, matching the pillow on the rocking chair, which again matched the pillows on the bay window. Framed pictures of Ollie and her, of Thea and Laurel and her parents, of his parents and Tommy were placed on shelves around the room… every single piece, every detail just matched and fit.

It was perfect.  
  
And at last she let her eyes move on to the wall to Ollie’s room, after she had taken everything else in, and came to a rest on the crib placed between the new archway to his room and the corner. It was beautiful, white with an arch in the back and smaller ones on each side. There were purple bows made of the ribbons that tied the soft crib bumpers to the wooden bars, and above it hung a gorgeous mobile with different colorful birds flying around. Next to the crib was a bassinet she knew was meant for Ollie’s room, once the baby was born.

Sara was ripped from her astonishment by the baby trying to put its foot up her ribcage again… no, not the baby…

Ollie had given the baby a name just a few of days ago. He was going to keep it for sure now. There was no question about it. He wouldn’t have settled on a name otherwise. It was why he kept on pushing that decision along, even though everyone had been badgering him to make a choice. And he finally had. Two days after Thanksgiving. Proof of that was right in front of her, quite literally in the writing on the wall. 

The wall behind the crib was decorated with their baby’s name, in Ollie’s handwriting, surrounded by hummingbirds.  
  
Mila Beatrice  
  
_Gracious, dear, bringer of joy_  
  
Ollie chose well. Just as she knew he would.

Mila Beatrice Queen, their precious little baby girl... whose little foot she was currently trying to gently remove from her ribcage, again, while she thought about the tiny creature’s name and felt a warmth for only the second time since she peed on that damn stick all those months ago in a rundown motel room in South Africa.

Mila

Mila Beatrice Queen.

Her hand moved from her ribcage down to her protruding stomach and stayed there.

“Mila.” The name left her lips in a whisper, like a prayer, and her daughter kicked her hand as if to confirm her name.

“Hey there, my dear, precious little miracle.” Sara looked down, watching her hand slowly move across her stomach, watching the movements of her daughter. Trying desperately to hold on to the warmth she was feeling. Hoping that the feeling would stay. Yet deathly afraid that it was just fleeting, temporary and would be replaced with the usual icy dread. The paralyzing fear that she would end up being responsible for hurting her baby, for bringing pain and darkness into her sweet baby girl’s life. She couldn’t let the darkness touch Mila… her joy, her dear daughter.

Mila Beatrice Queen.

Her daughter.

Her and Ollie’s daughter.

Mila.

Daughter.

She was having a daughter.

She’d known that for months, but something had changed now.

Something deep inside of her had shifted.

Her baby girl.

Their precious little Hummingbird, as Ollie had taken to call her.

Mila.

_Dear one._

Beatrice.

_Bringer of joy._

Ollie chose perfectly, their dear one, their precious miracle.

Sara felt her eyes tear up, sniffled and bit her lip, her hand still on her stomach, staring at the wall in front of her. The wall that proudly bore her daughter’s name.

She tried so hard to keep the tears at bay, to pull herself together but... she couldn’t… she couldn’t imagine… standing in her baby girl’s room, a room Ollie had created all by himself, seeing the crib her daughter would sleep in, picturing Ollie rocking their little Hummingbird to sleep and putting her down into her tiny bed… she couldn’t… it hurt, the thought of not being here to actually witness the images that her mind conjured up just by being in their daughter’s room, hurt.

Standing in her baby girl’s room, knowing that she won’t be here to see her turning over for the first time, play on the floor, starting to crawl, taking her first steps, saying her first words, watching Ollie be the amazing father she knew he was going to be, was killing her.

How could she… she wanted to be here. She wanted to watch Ollie with their baby… she wanted to snuggle with him on the rocking chair while they were trying to get her to sleep… she wanted to sit by the bay window, watching the people walk by while nursing her daughter… she wanted… she wanted it all… Ollie and Mila… she wanted to be here… she wanted to be a part of this… of their lives. She wanted to see Mila grow up, and she wanted to watch Ollie be a dad.

Sin was right.

She wanted it all. She wanted it all so badly it hurt… and she couldn’t help it, she automatically moved her hand in front of her mouth trying to contain the desperate sobs that tore free from deep within her very soul.

Unable to move her eyes away from her daughter’s name, even when the tears falling from her eyes blurred it to the point of being unrecognizable. It didn’t matter; the sight had already been burned into her memory for all of eternity.

Mila Beatrice

*******************************************************************************

**Oliver**

Oliver walked towards his room when he spotted Sara, standing in the center of the nursery, which in and of itself was a sight that surprised him. She had avoided their daughter’s room like the plague ever since he had started to get it ready for their little one. One of her hands was on her stomach, the other one in front of her face, and she was sobbing. His heart stopped for a moment and ice-cold dread spread through his body. He was reminded of that moment, of that dreadful moment, over ten years ago, when Samantha had called him and told him she had lost the baby. And for a moment he was back in his childhood home, holding the phone, feeling pain he had never felt before. Not understanding why, why he was feeling hurt instead of the expected relief. It had hurt more than he dared to admit to himself and even less his mother. He couldn’t even… remembering how much the loss of an unborn child he had only learnt about days ago, a child to whose existence he hadn’t even had the chance to get used to yet, had hurt… He couldn’t… if something was wrong with his baby girl he didn’t think he could take it, he didn’t think he’d survive it.

No, please, no… not his Hummingbird, he’d do whatever… just please let her be okay. He prayed to whoever may listen, begging that his daughter was okay.

He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself, Sara needed him to be calm and collected if something was wrong with Mila. She needed him to be strong.

He pulled himself together and walked towards her. He could be strong for her. His feet felt like lead and his heart grew heavier with every step he took until he was finally standing in front of her. He moved his hands to her shoulders; the move leading to her tearing her gaze away from the wall in order to look at him. The look of utter and complete despair in her eyes nearly brought him to his knees. He felt like someone was sitting on his chest, squeezing his heart.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Is something wrong? Is Mila okay?” The questions left his mouth before he knew what he was doing. He had no idea where he had gotten the air from to give them voice. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. So much to staying calm.

“Yeah, I’m fine, we’re both fine.” He closed his eyes and released the breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding in relief. Sending a thank you to whichever power he had begged for that outcome just moments ago.

“I was just… Ollie, she likes her name, look… hey Mila, my precious little baby girl.” Oliver followed Sara’s instruction and looked at her stomach for a moment, before he put his hand on it next to hers and lifted his eyes back up to her face to watch her, while he heard their daughter’s name fall from her lips for the very first time. He was sure that nothing had ever sounded this sweet. The look on Sara’s face changed from despair to amazement in a matter of seconds. He could feel the smile on his face while he watched the amazement, affection, wonder and just pure love and joy on his Pretty Bird’s face. The weight on his chest had lifted, and he was almost sure he could fly if he tried.

“Our precious little baby girl. Ollie, we’re having a girl.” Sara’s eyes teared up again, but this time he knew that the tears were from joy and he smiled at her softly, squeezing her shoulders affectionately.

“Yeah, we are, pretty amazing, isn’t it?” He put one hand on her cheek to dry her tears while he used the other one to draw her into his arms. In this moment he knew, he just knew that Sara wasn’t going to leave them. That she was going to be a part of their family.

That they were going to be a family, raising their daughter.

Together.

God, he couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy. The last time he felt so carefree and just excited about the future.

“This room is amazing, Ollie. I can’t believe you did all of this, by yourself.” She lifted her head from his chest to look at him in wonder.

“I didn’t do it all by myself, I had some help… but I’m glad you like it. I was hoping you would.” He smiled at her softly and took her hand, moving them both towards the rocking chair in the corner. He sat down and drew her down with him, making her sit on his lap, her back towards his chest. His arms wrapped around her middle, his hands interlacing on her stomach, she could feel his lips grace her temple, before he rested his chin on her head. Sara snuggled further into him, placing her hands on his forearms, before sliding them towards his interlocked hands, caressing him all the way until her hands rested atop of his. They sat like this for hours. Just quietly taking in their daughter’s room, basking in each other’s company. Thinking about all the ways their lives were going to change, once Mila was born.

Looking forward to it. For the very first time.

*******************************************************************************

Oliver got off the phone with Laurel just to come face to face with Sara. He sighed, he should’ve known. Nothing good could ever happen without reality punching him in the face, reminding him that everything wasn’t perfect.

“Is everything okay?” His phone had rung while she had been in the bathroom.

“Yeah, just Laurel, asking if we could sit together sometime next week to talk. And I agreed and promised her I would explain to her why I got involved with you in the first place.” He pursed his lips and watched her reaction. Sara bit her lip and took a step back, folding her arms.

“You don’t have to do this, Ollie.” He understood what Sara was doing, and he appreciated it, but she was wrong. This was his fault; all of this was his fault. They wouldn’t be in this mess if it hadn’t been for him. There would have been no need for Sara to talk to Laurel two weeks ago if it weren’t for him.

“Sara…” he began, closing his eyes.

“Look, we both agree that Laurel deserved some answers, that she deserved the truth and that’s what she got. There’s no need for you to dredge up the past too, to go through all of that again. I told her what she asked me to. She knows the facts. Talking to you won’t change them.” Sara insisted, taking a step towards him.

Oliver started to regret telling Sara that he had agreed to talk with Laurel and explain to her how he ended up cheating on her with her sister. He wasn’t sure why Sara suddenly had such a vehement reaction towards his decision. They had agreed that they would both talk to Laurel. He had let Sara talk him into letting her talk to her sister first. But that was as far as it went. That she would talk to her first, and he would talk to Laurel after she had. So why was she so insistent now that he not talk to her sister at all?

“She knows your truth, Sara. Maybe the facts won’t change. But your reasons weren’t my reasons, and she deserves to know why I did what I did. I at least owe her that after everything I put her through.” He was adamant about that. He wasn’t going to back out. He told Laurel he would explain, and that’s what he was going to do. It was long overdue, after all.

“The facts are the facts, Ollie. We kissed, we avoided each other, we got drunk, we fucked, we avoided each other, rinse and repeat for a couple of months and then things got more serious. That’s what happened, and you’re not going to tell her anything else. My truth, your truth, it’s all the same in the end. And we both know neither one of us will ever tell her the entire truth because it would hurt her too much and neither one of us is willing to do that. Not to mention the fact that it is none of her business and personal. I don’t want you to… it nearly destroyed you… twice. I don’t want you to have to go through that again. I don’t want you to be put through that again. Talking about it, talking about the past, about the people we used to be was so much harder than I thought it would be. Remembering everything and more importantly, specific events was so damn painful… You are doing so good, Ollie. I don’t want to… I can’t… please. At least think about it? There’s no need for both of us to go through that pain again.” Her heartfelt words, the concern and pain in her voice underlined her explanation perfectly. She was right, he knew she was right, but still he felt he needed to do this. Needed to talk to Laurel and explain to her why, why he had had an affair with her younger sister. Why he couldn’t make it work between them. Why he had cheated on her repeatedly.

Why he had chosen Sara over her. He felt obligated to do this.

“She deserves to know my version of events.” It was important that Laurel understood that it was his fault. That everything had been his fault.

“Talking about it hurt, Ollie. Telling her, sharing our past with her, letting her know about things that were private, that no one was ever supposed to know hurt so bad. I don’t want you to have to relive that too. Have to relive the reason that drove you into my arms to begin with. Not now. Not when you are getting better. I know that you feel like this is something you have to do. That you owe it to Laurel, but you don’t. You don’t owe her this, Ollie. She wanted to know about the affair and now she does. There is no need for you to talk to her about it too. She got what she wanted. This isn’t about her, this is about you. Please, for once in your life think about yourself, put yourself and your needs first…” her passionate words and deep concern about him were touching and made it hard for him to disagree with her. The look in her eyes alone spoke volumes. He averted his gaze for a moment and realized that she had noticed and recognized the meaning of his actions, she knew him better than anyone after all. And it was this action that made her go from concern to irritation and change her tactic accordingly.

“Fine, think about your daughter then. Is satisfying Laurel’s need to know everything about the past worth risking the progress you have made and a relapse? How will you take care of Mila then? How do you plan on taking care of a baby while you’re incapable of taking care of yourself because you are battling your depression?” He couldn’t believe her. This was low, even for Sara. He knew that she meant well, that she was only trying to protect him, but this… this was way out of line. And what did she mean with “How will you take care of Mila”, he thought… they were… had she changed her mind? He had thought, after their moment in the nursery, when Sara for the first time acknowledged that they were having a daughter, no, more than that even used her name, he had been sure… He had been so sure that she would stay with them. That she had finally changed her mind. But now… after what she just said, he wasn’t sure. Maybe he had misunderstood, maybe he had read the signs wrong. Maybe she hadn’t changed her mind after all. Her words reminded him of the night they had shared just a couple of days before Thanksgiving of the conversation they’ve had the day after. In which Sara clarified that nothing had changed.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare bring our daughter into this and use her as a means to get your way, Sara. You don’t get to do this, you don’t get to question my abilities of taking care of our daughter. This has nothing to do with her. We agreed that we will both talk to Laurel, explain to her how all of this happened. And I intend to do just that. But fine, if you think now’s not the right time, I won’t talk to her now. I’ll just wait until the next time Laurel asks me for answers. And we both know she will. But hey, maybe if you’re lucky it will be after Mila is born, and you skipped town again, that way I won’t be a bother to you. If you think that will be a better time to drag up the past… to face the pain? Well, I guess for you it probably would be, because then you won’t have to deal with the consequences and won’t be burdened with taking care of us. Because you’ll be long gone by then. So, don’t you fucking use Mila against me, not when you’re apparently still unwilling to even try to stick around and help take care of her. I don’t need you to try to protect me… we don’t need you. Not when you don’t actually want to be here.” Oliver knew exactly when he crossed the line and went too far. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself, he was angry but more importantly hurt.

He watched how her back and shoulders stiffened, how one of her hands was placed on her stomach and how stricken she looked and the utter and complete devastation that appeared on her face but the worst of it all were her eyes… those gorgeous, expressive eyes of hers that never failed to draw him in. There was so much agony reflected in them, behind the sheen of tears that had yet to fall. And he was solely responsible for that.

Oliver had never hated himself more than in this very moment. And there were a lot of moments in his life that he had hated himself.

“Sara… I didn’t… please… I’m sorry… Pretty Bird…” he held his hand out towards her, trying to show her, trying to somehow repair the damage he had done, knowing that it was useless. Nothing he was going to say now would change what he had said before. Nothing he said could make this right again.

What scared him the most was her reaction. She was just standing there. Not moving. Not saying anything. Usually she gave him a “fuck you, Oliver” whenever they had an argument, and he crossed the line and walked away. Why wasn’t she walking away?

“Sara, say something, please.” Her silence was deafening and scaring him to death.

“You’re right. I overstepped my bounds. It’s your life. Your choice. It wasn’t my place to… I shouldn’t have… I won’t do it again. I promise. From now on, I’ll stay out of your life, both of your lives.” She emphasized the meaning of her words with her hand on her stomach. Making sure that he understood that she was talking about their daughter too, before turning around and walking away. Her voice had been hoarse, but quiet, collected and final. And he could feel his heart drop, the icy-fist of dread clenching it in its hands.

This was not… fuck! That was not what he wanted, not what he meant. This was the last fucking thing he wanted! Fuck! If he could’ve hit himself, he would’ve. How… how had they ended up here? How had they gone from snuggling in their daughter’s nursery to this in a matter of minutes? He hadn’t read her wrong. He had been right. He had thought that maybe… he was sure that Sara had been wavering. That she had started to consider the possibility of them raising their daughter together.

And he had just fucked it all up. And for what?

“Sara…” He cleared his throat to remove the lump that was currently keeping him from saying something, anything to stop her from walking away from him. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to do that, given the pain the lump was creating in his throat and the fact that he felt like someone was sitting on his chest and keeping the air from entering his lungs. Yet, somehow, he managed to form words and give voice to them, no matter how hoarse he sounded. Nothing mattered except for him somehow repairing the damage he had done.

“That’s not, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I want. You know that! You know that that is the last thing I want! You know that I want you in my life, in our daughter’s life. I want you to fucking stay here, stay with me, raise our little Hummingbird together. I fucking want you in my life, in our lives, more than I ever wanted anything before! I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Oliver took a shuddering breath in order to pull himself together, to keep from falling apart right then and there.

“I fucking love you so damn much that just the thought of you walking out of my life, out of our lives, tears me apart. Knowing, knowing that you will leave again when our daughter is born is killing me.” Sara had stopped in her tracks at his words. Her back was still turned towards him, but she was no longer moving, and he knew from her poster she was listening intently. He moved his hands up to rub his burning eyes for a moment and gathering his thoughts before continuing.

“I’d get down on my fucking knees and beg you to stay if I thought it might change your mind. I’d fucking ask you to marry me if I thought it might change your mind. Fuck! I might just do it anyway, so I won’t have to wonder if maybe it would’ve worked and made you stay. I’d do whatever you want me to do to change your mind and keep you here with me, with us. I just want us to be a family, Sara. To do this together. And it’s true I don’t need you in my life, I can go on without you, I’ve had to too many times already. I don’t need you in my life, but I want you in it more than I have ever wanted anything, my Pretty Bird. I swear.” Oliver swallowed hard, clearing his throat again, the lump just refused to leave. At least Sara had turned around again, quietly staring at him. It was hard to make out the look on her face through his blurry vision. She hadn’t left yet, and she no longer had her back turned towards him. That was at least something.

“My life is so much better with you in it. I breathe easier when you’re home, the weight on my shoulders isn’t quite as heavy with you next to me and life is less dark and hopeless with you by my side. Having you here with me… you’re the only person, the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I’m damaged, like I’m not enough. You’re the only one, the only one who knows me, who loves me for who I am, the only one who loves every fucked up little piece of me. The only time I ever feel normal, when I don’t feel I have to pretend, is when I’m with you. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. I don’t fucking know what I’m doing. How I’m supposed to keep a baby alive. But I know I can’t lose her too, I can’t lose both of you. I wouldn’t be able to survive losing both of you. I get… I get your reasons. I understand. And I’m sorry for everything I’ve said. If I could take it back, I would. But I can’t. I never meant to hurt you, I swear, Sara, and I didn’t mean what I said. Please forgive me, Tweety Bird.” He stopped talking and rubbed his eyes again in order to clear his blurry vision.

Sara was staring at him with a look he couldn’t deceiver. He had known her for almost twenty-five years; he knew her better than anyone, he could usually read her like an open book, yet he had no idea what was going on in that brilliant, stubborn head of hers. He again hadn’t meant to say all of this. Wasn’t even sure where it all had come from. It was the truth, but not a truth he had been aware of or ever meant to share with her had he been. His throat hurt, there was still a lump in it and his sight was turning blurry again, from the tears in his eyes. He had just spilled his innermost thoughts and feelings out to her, laid all his cards on the table, he shortly recalled the last time he had let himself be this vulnerable in front of someone. Felicity had torn his heart apart right after. He hoped this time would be different.

At least he knew that Sara would never intentionally hurt him. That she would never use his past, his trauma against him. That she wasn’t going to rip his heart out and leave him alone to deal with the aftermath on his own. Blaming him for doing the best he can. For trying to get better, for trying so very hard to do better. No, Sara had never blamed him, she had always made sure that he knew that it wasn’t him; it was her, and he knew that she had meant it every single time.

His eyes were still staring into hers, searching for any clue as to what was going on in her head, what she was going to do. He just handed her his heart. Was she going to keep it or give it back to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so sorry! Please don't hate me! And I don't usually do cliffhangers because I sort of hate them. But it was the right place to cut the two chapters and I almost have the following chapter done, so it should be up in like a day or two. Again, so sorry! And I love Oliver and Sara so much! Believe me! But they have a mind of their own and are so damn stubborn. Oliver and Sara rarely fight but when they do it gets real ugly, real fast. They're both headstrong and stubborn and know the other just too damn well to not know exactly where to hit that it hurts. Plus they both tend to lash out at people when they're hurting. 
> 
> So here to my choice when it comes to the name of Oliver and Sara's daughter:
> 
> Okay, so I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby’s name. And changed it a couple of times along the way… lol.
> 
> Mila Beatrice was not planned and brought her parents a lot of pain and emotional struggles because of it. But she is also the reason why Oliver is trying to get better, to work on his issues to move forward. He knows that there is a big chance that he will raise her without Sara and he wants to make sure that their daughter knows just how much she means to them, no matter how she came to be and all of the issues and struggles that came with her existence.  
> That was one of the reasons that he took a lot of time deciding on a name and ended up choosing Mila Beatrice.
> 
> Mila is a Slavic name meaning ‚gracious, dear‘ and the meaning in Russian is ‚Dear One‘ whereas the Italian one is ‚miracle‘.  
> The meanings of Beatrice are ‚happy, bringer of joy, blessed, she who brings happiness‘.  
> Oliver wanted to make sure that no matter what happens to him or Sara that their daughter will always know how much she means to them, even if people would try to tell her differently, her name would make sure that she knows how dear she was to them and that she meant everything to them and brought them joy. 
> 
> I did consider Mia, because Oliver chose the name in the show, and I generally go with the baby names that a character in a show chose because obviously that’s the name they’d pick, or Ria, but decided against it. Simply because of the meaning of the name and how his and Sara’s daughter came to be. 
> 
> Oliver chose Mia in remembrance of Moira, which is sweet and so Oliver but Oliver is in a different place in life here than he was when he had Mia. The reveal and consequences to Moira’s choice in making Oliver believe his child had died are still very real and prominent in his life. William is not a part of his life and I don’t think he has gotten to the point of forgiving Moira for her actions concerning his son, yet. I strongly believe even in the show, had Felicity gotten pregnant around the time Sara did here he would not have picked Mia because he was still struggling with the horrible decision his mother had made. By the time Felicity got pregnant in the show, Oliver had a good three years to come to terms with Moira’s choice and William had been a part of his life during that period too. 
> 
> Also Moira and Sara had a complicated relationship and history and I don’t think Sara would’ve gone for it given the whole William business. She would not have wanted her daughter to be named after the woman who was responsible for Mila growing up without knowing her older brother. Moira had taken one child from Oliver, she would not have her be honored by naming his second child after her.  
> And I think I sort of already explained the Dinah/Laurel reason in the fic. I always get confused reading stories where Oliver and Sara name their child after Laurel, I sort of get what people try to do but given their complicated history it’s just really weird to me and a little inappropriate if you ask me. Maybe as a middle name after she had died… maybe… but she’s still alive here and yeah, that’s a no-no in my opinion. And I just can’t picture Oliver or Sara doing this.
> 
> As always let me know what you think and thank you for sticking with this rollercoaster ride that this story has turned into.
> 
> If you want to know how I envisioned Mila's bedroom, you can find it here:
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/joeeeydeee
> 
> My photoshop talent is very limited and creating that took me forever.
> 
> Chapter title is from the songs "Hurricane" by 30 Seconds to Mars and "Guiding Light" by Mumford & Sons and "They Just Don't Know You" by Little Mix and "Where's my Love" by SYML.


	39. Did she run away? Just come home discover some new truth Now is always wrapped around you I'd ride or die with you walk the line if you asked me to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want to marry me?” his Pretty Bird sounded astonished and confused. Those were not the words he had expected. That was the part she got out of his rant? He opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. How was he… he hadn’t even been aware of that piece of information himself until it had just spilled out of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the follow up chapter.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this chapter. I was really really nervous (speak terrified) posting it. It's different.

**Sara**

God, why was Ollie so goddamn stubborn? Why couldn’t he see… talking to Laurel, dredging everything up again would only cause him pain at best and a serious relapse at worst. She didn’t want him to go through that again, the pain, the guilt, the confusion he had felt, but most of all she didn’t want him to have to relive the loss of his son, yet again. And even if he would leave that part out when talking to Laurel, he would still be reminded of it. Reminded of the loss he had grieved because of the betrayal and lie of the one woman he was supposed to be able to trust no matter what, his own mother. She didn’t want him to be reminded of the years he had lost when it came to his son’s life, the years he would never get back, and of the years he was still going to lose now, because William was not a part of his life. She didn’t want him to have to relive all of that again. She just wanted to protect him from all of it.

Because he was doing so well!

She didn’t want him to risk his progress for this. It wasn’t worth it. Laurel got the answers she wanted. There was no reason for Ollie to talk to her too. He wouldn’t tell Laurel anything she hadn’t already told her. Sure, he was right, his reasons hadn’t been her reasons, but in the end, it didn’t matter. Laurel had the facts now. Everything else was just… it should be enough. Everything she had shared with her sister, every piece of herself she had given her that was never meant for anyone but Ollie to see, to know should’ve been enough. Laurel had had five years to demand answers from Ollie, yet she hadn’t. So why now? Why now that he was seriously struggling, fighting his depression and trying so hard to get better. To get healthy for their baby girl and for himself. And he was. He was doing so good. Therapy was helping him, his choice to keep Mila was helping him.

Why would he risk all that for nothing?

She tried to get him to see, to understand. She tried to reason with him and convince him it was okay to be selfish, to put himself first. That he didn’t owe her sister anything. But she could clearly see that even though she was getting through to him, he refused to budge.

“Fine, think about your daughter then. Is satisfying Laurel’s need to know everything about the past worth risking the progress you have made and a relapse? How will you take care of Mila then? How do you plan on taking care of a baby while you’re incapable of taking care of yourself because you are battling your depression?” His stubbornness in the matter frustrated her to no end, and she knew she crossed the line the moment she brought up Mila, but she just needed him to understand what he was putting on the line, what he was risking. She needed him to see that there was no reward in satisfying Laurel’s need to know. What was either of them getting by him telling her sister the god honest truth? Nothing, neither Laurel nor Oliver would get anything out of it.

Having Laurel know that she had driven him away. That her actions had suffocated him. That her refusal to see him for who he was, was the reason he strayed. Laurel was currently doing the exact same thing she always had, and that had led to Ollie running from her. She was demanding he put her needs before his own. She was so blinded by her own pain that she couldn’t see, couldn’t understand, that now was not the time to have this conversation with Ollie. After all these years Laurel was still incapable of reading Ollie, of actually listening to what he was saying and accepting his answers and choices. She still couldn’t understand how much their past was hurting him. How hard those one and a half years had been for him. For both of them. And yes, maybe it was important that Ollie had this conversation with Laurel, maybe it would help her understand, but now was not the time for it.

He was doing so well!

“… Well, I guess for you it probably would be, because then you won’t have to deal with the consequences and won’t be burdened with taking care of us. Because you’ll be long gone by then. So, don’t you fucking use Mila against me, not when you’re apparently still unwilling to even try to stick around and help take care of her. I don’t need you to try to protect me… we don’t need you. Not when you don’t actually want to be here.” His words felt like a slap in the face.

God, it hurt. Everything he said, every accusation he threw at her. Being accused of looking at taking care of him as a burden, when it had never and would never be. But most of all, the fact that he was right. He didn’t need her. Mila didn’t need her, not when she had Ollie. He was right, they would be better off without her. She had been fooling herself the last couple of hours thinking that she could be here with them. Be a mom. Have a normal life. He didn’t need her. They didn’t…

“You’re right. I overstepped my bounds. It’s your life. Your choice. It wasn’t my place to… I shouldn’t have… I won’t do it again. I promise. From now on, I’ll stay out of your life, both of your lives.” Those words hurt more than she thought was possible. Even more so now after… after she had let herself believe that they could do this together. That they could raise their daughter together. She turned around and walked towards her room, knowing that she was just seconds away from falling apart and not wanting to let Ollie know just how much his words had hurt her. Not wanting him to feel guilty about speaking the truth and helping her see…

“Sara…” She closed her eyes in pain when she heard the desperate plea that was her name. His words, his heartfelt words and the obvious agony in his voice made her stop and wait, listening intently to every single word he said, to the exact tone of his voice so she could detect every single emotion he was feeling.

“… I’d fucking ask you to marry me if I thought it might change your mind. Fuck! I might just do it anyway, so I won’t have to wonder if maybe it would’ve worked and made you stay…” she turned around in utter and complete shock and disbelieve at his very unexpected words. She knew that her eyes must be huge while staring at him, letting him say everything he needed to before saying something herself. She was trying to process his words and the emotions that came with them while not missing a single one of them.

She needed him to know... she needed to make sure... it was so very important that he knew... she wasn’t going to walk away again. She thought he knew... if they were going to do this together; they needed to... she hadn’t meant it like that. She hadn’t meant that she wasn’t going to be here, that he’d do it alone... she just meant... she couldn’t take care of him and their daughter at the same time. She needed... she wasn’t sure that she could be the strong one, the one to keep them together.

And she didn’t know how giving birth would be. There were the possibilities of a lot of things that could go wrong... unforeseen complications. She just needed him to be… she needed him to be okay. Because she didn’t know how to do this if he wasn’t. She was still struggling with her decision. Still not sure it was the right one. Part of her still believed that Mila would be better off, safer without her in her life... but she wasn’t sure she could let her go, let them both go. She had walked out on Ollie so many times, every time had hurt more than the one before. She wasn’t sure she could do it again. That walking away not only from Ollie but from their daughter too wouldn’t destroy her.  
  
“… you’re the only person, the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I’m damaged, like I’m not enough. You’re the only one, the only one who knows me, who loves me for who I am, the only one who loves every fucked up little piece of me. The only time I ever feel normal, when I don’t feel I have to pretend is when I’m with you…” his heartfelt words hit her hard, she hadn’t known this was how he felt. That everyone in his life made him feel like he was inadequate and not good enough the way he was. He had come such a long way… he had made so much progress… how could they not see? How could they make him feel like this? His words broke her heart and she could feel herself choke and tear up.

God, how could she… she knew she couldn’t walk away, not now, not knowing that she was the only person who made him feel normal, who didn’t remind him of his trauma. She couldn’t leave him. She couldn’t abandon him. Not now, not now that she knew that he felt the exact same way that she did. Ollie was the only one, the only person who made her feel comfortable, like her actions and reactions were normal. She never knew that he felt the same way about her.

Wait, had he said… no, she couldn’t have heard right, could she?

“You want to marry me?” She needed to make sure that she had heard right, that she understood him correctly. Ollie had the tendency to say a lot of things impulsively while being angry or hurt that he might not actually mean or that he had not yet figured out himself before that very moment and therefore needed to process and mull over first. So, she really needed to make sure that it was actually something he meant and not something that just spilled out of him as a desperate attempt to keep her from leaving. A strange one, given his knowledge about her opinion on marriage, but still… not out of the question.

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**Oliver**

“You want to marry me?” his Pretty Bird sounded astonished and confused. Those were not the words he had expected. That was the part she got out of his rant? He opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. How was he… he hadn’t even been aware of that piece of information himself until it had just spilled out of him. What was he supposed to say? What did she want him to say? Sara always did that. He made a statement as to what he wanted when it came to them, and she would turn it into a question and request a clarification. She had done the exact same thing three years ago when he had asked her to move in with him. Well, sort of. He decided to go with the truth, instead of avoiding the question by trying to distract her, like he had done in that hotel room. Not that that tactic was currently an option, anyway. They weren’t naked in bed and it wasn’t the answer. It would lead to nothing. Except maybe him getting decked by her, given the current mood and situation.

“Of course I do. I told you, I want us to be a family. You, Mila, and me. I want to raise our daughter with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you. There’s nothing that would make me happier.” He hoped he was reading her right. Sara had never been a big supporter of marriage. She didn’t really see the point in it and wasn’t sure lifelong monogamy was part of the human nature. He knew her views on marriage were unique and mixed. Yet, he was pretty sure that just being honest was the right way to go. He hoped.

“Okay.” Her voice was soft, almost a whisper and slightly chocked.

“Okay?” Oliver felt his heart stop. What was she saying? He thought he knew what she was saying, but he needed to be sure, this time around he needed her to be the one to clarify the meaning behind her statement.

“Okay, I’ll marry you. If you really meant what you said, and this is really what you want.” Her voice was still soft, but there was a conviction in it. She bit her lip at the end of her clarification, looking at him almost shyly. It took him a moment to register what she said and even more importantly what it meant. She was going to stay.

She wasn’t leaving.

They were going to raise Mila together as a family.

They were going to be a family.

He could feel the smile stretch across his face when the thought and her words sunk in. They were going to be a family. His Pretty Bird was going to stay and help him raise their little Hummingbird.

He reached her side in record time, bending down to capture her lips with his in a searing kiss, putting all of his emotions and love into it. Sara wasn’t going to leave. He hadn’t broken them for good. He hadn’t caused irreparable damage to their relationship. They were okay.

They were going to raise their daughter together.

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**Sara**

“Okay.” Ollie wanted for them to be a family? A traditional family? If he needed a piece of paper to assure him she wasn’t going anywhere, that she wasn’t going to abandon him and Mila, then a piece of paper he would get. She didn’t see the point in marriage, but if it was important to Ollie, it was important to her. And if it was something he really wanted, she’d do it. It made no difference to her. She could sign a piece of paper and possibly change her last name if it meant so much to him. She was already fully committed and willing to spend the rest of her life with him. She didn’t need a piece of paper telling her they belonged together, that they were a family, but if he did, that was fine, and she could easily understand where he was coming from and why it was so important to him. He needed proof, proof that she was really sticking around this time.

“Okay?” His voice was disbelieving and questioning at the same time. He was looking at her as if he had heard wrong. Understandably, he knew her opinion on marriage and the patriarchy behind it.

“Okay, I’ll marry you. If you really meant what you said, and this is really what you want.” She clarified her answer for him. Hoping it was enough, enough for him to believe her. To believe that she would stay. That they were in this together. That they’d face parenthood together. Just like they had every other major event in their lives.

Ollie crossed the distance between them in the blink of an eye, leaning down and capturing her lips in a passionate kiss that took her breath away. She vaguely registered him picking her up and walking them out of the living room, but was mostly distracted by his lips on hers and the onslaught of feelings she was dealing with.

And the realization that hit her somewhere between the living room and Ollie’s bedroom.

She had just agreed to marry him.

She was going to be his wife. They were going to get married. He had semi proposed to her during an argument about Laurel, no less, that had mostly resulted out of a misunderstanding and she had agreed. The moment the absurdity of her current situation registered in her head she laughed, her lips were still locked with Ollie’s until he removed his from hers looking confused and a little insulted.

“What’s so funny?” He wondered, raising a brow in question.

“This…” she managed to get out between bursts of laughter. Waving her hand between them. He just cocked his head to the side as a sign for her to explain further.

“We just got engaged… during a major argument…” she tried to pull it together but the absurdity of it all made it really hard. Ollie looked at her for a moment, contemplating, before joining in in her laughter. Recognizing how absurd and unexpected it was. It was just so THEM. They’ve never done anything in their lives the usual way, why should this be any different. Ollie walked them all the way to his bed and sat down on it with her still in his arms. Both of them were still laughing. It took them a while to calm down, but once they did they just sat there quietly, her sideways on his lap, her head on his shoulder, one arm wound under his and the other around his neck. One of his arms was supporting her and holding her close, the hand of his other arm was on her thigh.

“Let’s do it now.” She wasn’t sure if she had said it out loud until Ollie turned his head to her lightning quick in order to look her in the eyes.

“What?” The look in his eyes was a perfect match to the confused tone in his voice.

“Let’s get married now. Let’s go down to City Hall and sign the papers. Just you and me. They must have someone there to act as a witness.” She pushed on, making him understand what she was saying.

“Are you sure? Don’t you want a couple of days to think about it?” Leave it to Ollie, to always want to make sure that she was not going to regret her impulse decisions.

“Are you sure marrying me is what you want?” She answered his questions with one of her own. She didn’t need to think about it, not if his answer to her question was yes.

“Yes, without a doubt in my heart. More than anything.” He looked her straight in her eyes and sounded so honest and sure that it left no doubt in her mind that this really was what he wanted.

“So, let’s go down to City Hall and get married. There’s no reason for us to wait.” She took his face into her hands and smiled at him encouragingly. She wanted to take all of his doubts whether she was staying or not away. She wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t spend another second wondering if she would change her mind.

“Okay. Let’s go.” He lifted her from his lap and set her on her feet before getting up himself and taking her hand into his, leading her out of his room and towards the front door and their new life together, smiling that infectious smile of his the entire time.

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**Oliver**

Oliver looked at the sleeping woman in his arms. She looked so peaceful. For the first time in months the look on Sara’s face was happy, content even in sleep. He drew her a little closer, which was not that easy given the size of her stomach and their daughter inside. God, he loved her. He loved her so fucking much had for years, at least since Lian Yu probably even longer. He still couldn’t believe they had this. That this was real, that she was real, and not just a figment of his imagination. There were still moments when he wondered if maybe he had finally lost it and he was held prisoner somewhere or Thea had put him in an institution or he was back on the Dominator’s spaceship or something and all of this was only in his mind.

He focused on Sara’s beautiful face, on the way she felt in his arms, the way their daughter was pressed into his side and he could feel their little Hummingbird’s movements every once in a while, the weight of Sara’s arm thrown over his chest and her leg thrown over his thigh. This… this is what he’s wanted for years, what he wouldn’t let himself think about or wish for, for years. This is what he thought he would never have. No matter how much he wanted it. Not since… not since the night Sara had broken his heart when she had walked out of his life, just a short while after he had asked her to move in with him. He had been thinking about the two of them moving in together for a while and had just waited for the right moment to bring it up. He had not planned on asking her that night; it had just slipped out because that evening, that moment, everything had been perfect until… until Felicity had called them and turned their lives upside down, cementing their fate.

No, that wasn’t true. There had still been moments, nights that he had let himself hope that Sara would come back, that there was a way that Ra’s al Ghul would let her leave again. After Sara had come back with Nyssa, after he had learnt that she had left to get help, to save their home, that she had exchanged her life for theirs, that she had given up her freedom and gone back to the place she had been willing to die for in order to escape, just to give him an army to help him defeat Slade. The moment she had shown up with Nyssa and members of the League had been the moment he had realized that Sara’s reasons for breaking up with him were a lie. A lie, that was just close enough to the truth that she was able to fool him. Because his Pretty Bird had known that he would never make her stay if she wanted to leave. He would never cage her. She used that knowledge against him, knowing full well that he would fall for it and that he wouldn’t let her trade her life for his if she had told him her plan. That he wouldn’t have let her leave.

He had stopped hoping and dreaming the moment he set eyes on her broken body in the Foundry. He would never forget that sight, he would never forget the way he had felt. The agony and despair of knowing that he had lost her forever had inflicted on him.

He softly brushed some stray hair from Sara’s face, running his fingers over her cheeks. His thumb tracing the small smile on it. She was amazing. His Pretty Bird was by far the strongest person who he knew. All the pain and horror she had faced, the obstacles she’s had to overcome and the sacrifices she had made in order to keep their families safe, to stay alive… and yet, here she was. Strong as always, kind, loving and happy. How could anyone not love her?

Sara was the strongest person he knew.

His Pretty Bird, his beautiful wife, the mother of his daughter. She was everything to him. His wife. It was still hard for him to wrap his head around that fact. Sara was his wife. They had gotten married only a few short hours ago. Just the two of them at City Hall. Both of them had been wearing casual clothes. Sara, dressed in a pair of maternity leggings and one of his button-down shirts and a leather jacket. He had been wearing jeans and a sweater and also a leather jacket. And it had been perfect. They had stopped at Patty Shacks on the way home. And decided to turn off their phones as soon as they stepped foot into their home and spend the next couple of days in bed. Just the two of them, with no connection to the outside world.

Have their own little honeymoon right at home.

He had texted the team to let them know that he was not going to be coming to the bunker and putting on his suit for the next couple of days. That everything was alright, but that he needed some time to himself and appreciated everyone leaving him and Sara be for the time being. And that they would contact them when they were ready to socialize again. He turned his phone off right after and Sara did the same, expecting the onslaught of messages a text like that would receive. He’d worry about that after their honeymoon.

But for now, and the foreseeable future, his wife was the only one who deserved and therefore received his full, undivided attention.

Oliver took her happy and content face in for one last time before kissing her forehead and closing his eyes. The look on his wife’s face was reflected on his.

Yeah, he was okay today. Life was good right now.

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**Sara**

Why were they having this conversation? She had a serious déjà vu, but unlike the last time she was not going to give in. They had agreed on this. Why was he such a sucker when it came to her mom? Seriously!

“Hey. You’ve been doing good, you’ve been doing really good during the last couple of social events.” Ollie kissed her forehead and pulled her even closer, which was almost impossible. She had one leg thrown over his and was already partially lying on top of his chest, as well as it was possible given the fact that Mila was in between them and not too fond of her mother snuggling on her father’s chest. So, it was always a challenge and trying to see what their daughter would be okay with and when that she complained, usually with a series of some pretty powerful kicks to her stomach. So far, so good. They had found a position or two, in the snuggling department, during the last three days that seemed to work for all three of them.  
  
“We’re not doing Christmas, Ollie. Isn’t that why we did Thanksgiving? To get out of hosting Christmas?” She wasn’t going to give in to that. Her husband had agreed to a quiet day at home during the holidays, just the two of them. She had even agreed to let him buy her a Christmas and birthday present, under the condition that he would not make a big deal out of it and they would not celebrate those events with anyone.  
  
Her husband, Jesus, her husband, Ollie, was her husband now. It was still hard to believe that this was her life now, that those events had really happened. She’d thought it would take her longer to get used to that fact, but she guessed she had been wrong, given that they’ve only been married for three days and she was already referring to him as her husband… in her own mind none the less. She grudgingly had to admit that she like the sound of it. Just like she got warm fuzzy feelings whenever he called her his wife... not that she would ever admit that to anyone, least of all Ollie, he would never let her live it down, given all the times she used to remind him of the origin of marriage and the patriarchy and gender inequality that came with it and the fact that women used to be treated like property and marriage was the sale and purchase agreement, which was why she could never agree to it and why she was never, ever going to get married, back when they were kids. Yeah, he would never let her live it down if she let him know that she actually liked it when he called her his wife and probably make some “girly-girl” comments, nope not worth it.  
  
“Yes, we did, and I’m not saying we should host a Christmas party here. All I’m saying is that I can understand that your family wants to celebrate and spend time with you on December 25th and that maybe we could just stop by at Laurel’s for a cup of tea or your mother’s famous hot chocolate and maybe some Christmas cookies or a birthday cake. Just for an hour.” She hated it when he made sense and was right. She really didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. She didn’t want to spend her birthday with anyone besides Ollie. She knew it was selfish, but wasn’t that part of the birthday tradition? That you were allowed to do whatever you wanted? Then again, she knew how much it would mean to her family to spend time with her on her birthday. She sighed.  
  
“Fine, one hour, we can do one hour at Laurel’s with my parents and Thea. But that’s it. Just family, anyone else, and I walk.” She put a lot of weight in her voice to make sure that he knew she meant business while staring him down.  
  
“One hour just with our family. I promise.” He smiled at her gratefully before bending down to capture her lips with his. She sighed again. But it was an entirely different kind this time. God, this was the life, just Ollie and her spending the entire day in bed… this was heaven. And quiet literally the only thing they’ve done the last couple of days, ever since she had decided to stay and raise Mila with him and they got hitched only hours after that. It was their own little honeymoon at home. And it was perfect, all of it had been perfect. Just the two of them. Enjoying each other’s company, snuggling, eating, occasionally watching some cheesy rom-com and making fun of it and sex, lots of great sex, using a very limited palette of positions, not what they were used to but there wasn’t anything that could be done about that, given the size of her stomach. They had also spent a lot of time just talking about their life, their future together, actually making plans. It was strange, but the good kind. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had made plans, the last time she had believed to have a future. Even less one worth planning for.

No one knew that they had gotten married. And they didn’t plan on telling anyone. It was no one’s business, and it wasn’t… they didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. It had been a choice to cement the fact that they were a family. It was a personal decision. It was a commitment to each other. And they didn’t want to make a specter out of it. It was something deeply personal for them and they didn’t want it to be ruined, tainted by anyone. They wouldn’t understand… they couldn’t understand… Ollie and she hadn’t gotten married for all the reasons people got married, they didn’t do it for a big wedding and gifts and attention, neither one of them wanted any of that. They did it because it felt right. Because she wanted to make sure that he knew that she was never going to leave him again, not by choice, not because of anything less than death itself. She wasn’t going to abandon him and Mila. Marrying him was the proof he needed. The piece of paper with their names next to each other, well his name and her new one was the physical representation of their new life, of their own little family.

They both knew that people would probably get mad at them for not telling anyone or letting them be a part of it, once they found out, which they eventually would, they were both sure of that. But that was alright. They both just weren’t ready yet to share this with anyone. So many of their private moments had been taken from them already, taken and turned into something ugly, just because Ollie had loved two women at the same time… everyone telling them, telling her that her time, her memories with Ollie before the Gambit were bad, and wrong, and something she should be ashamed of simply because of Laurel. Yet, no one told Laurel that her memories and time with Ollie before Lian Yu were bad and wrong, and there were so many reasons why they should. How was it that her loving Ollie had been wrong, yet Laurel loving him was not?

“Stop, whatever you’re thinking about, stop. We agreed this is our honeymoon, and our bed is a happy zone where only happy thoughts are allowed.” Ollie’s joking voice interrupted her dark thoughts. He was right, he was absolutely right.

“Sorry! You’re right. Only happy thoughts from this moment on. Thank you for reminding me.” She stretched so she could capture his lips with hers. Smiling at him when they parted, a look he returned.

“Anytime, wifey.” He smirked at her cheekily and looked like the mischievous little boy he used to be. She cocked her head in amused incredulity.

“Wifey? Seriously?” Yet, she felt giddy and happy and… she had missed this, the two of them, just being happy and playful and joking and simply having fun and enjoying life. Feeling free, unburdened. And she knew, as did he, that it was fleeting, just a moment that won’t last but that was alright. This, well the last three days, had been the first carefree moments they had shared in years, and she was certain, it was only the beginning and they would share more of them in the future. Even if they may be rare and far in between.

“Yes, wifey. Mrs. Queen.” He replied, still smirking, but his eyes were sparkling with happiness. It was a good look on him. One she cherished, and she unfortunately didn’t get to see often enough.

“You’re such an idiot sometimes.” She playfully rolled her eyes at him, hitting his chest half-heartedly with the back of her hand while shaking her head and chuckling.

“True, but I’m your idiot.” His words made her snort in amusement.

For now, they were happy, and that was all that mattered, she decided while looking at the twinkle of humor in Ollie’s eyes, a look she had missed dearly.

“And don’t you forget it, hubby!” She smirked at Ollie who started to laugh right before he raised his eyebrows and began to tickle her until she took hold of his head and drew his face to hers, so she could kiss him passionately.

“I love you, Pretty Bird.” Ollie’s words were partially lost between their kisses. She softly pushed him back a little to get some air and catch his eyes. She shook her head when he was pushing back a little against the hand on his chest, trying to get to her lips again. He looked at her confused for a moment, trying to figure out what just happened. And why she was denying him.

“I love you too, Oliver Jonas Queen.” She could’ve sworn the sun had just risen inside their bedroom, the way Ollie’s face lit up once those words had left her lips for the first time ever. He tried to reach her lips again and this time she let him. She could still feel the gigantic smile on his face while he was kissing her.

Yeah, they were alright for tonight and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry belated Christmas...? I did say rollercoaster ride, right?
> 
> Okay, ahm, Oliver and Sara are very impulsive people.  
> I hope this chapter was believable. Seriously! And that I made it clear that things aren’t perfect and this doesn’t mean they’re magically healed, they just had a good couple of days, which they’ve earned, I’m sure you guys agree on that? But it came with the price of them completely blocking out the outside world and everything that wasn’t just the two of them in this very moment. And that was a deliberate choice. They decided to create their own little sanctuary for their „honeymoon“. Being very aware that it was not reality, which is why they went so far as to purposely declare their bed a „happy zone“. 
> 
>   
> yeah, I’m kind of hammering the point how amazing Oliver thinks Sara is home but I to this day do not understand why the f... Oliver would claim that Felicity was the strongest one of them all…wtf? What has she done, faced, endured that would make anyone, even less Oliver think that. Like he knows what Sara has been through and how she’s still standing and being a hero. Or you know Laurel, who lost her boyfriend and sister, lost Tommy overcame her alcoholism, lost Sara again…and yet, she’s still standing and helping people. Or Thea who lost her bro, overcame her drug addiction, learnt that her father wasn't her father, watched her mom be murdered, lost Roy, ended up killing a family friend against her will and yet, she’s still fighting and kind. And yeah, I have issues with both Laurel and Thea because of some of the things they did but that doesn’t change the fact that they have been extremely strong in a lot of situations, they’ve made mistakes but I don’t see how anything Felicity did or has been through would lead to a comment like that. I’m not saying she isn’t strong, she is or was but not stronger than the rest of the women in Oliver’s life. And definitely none of them are stronger than Sara, both emotionally and physically. Sorry for my rant. 
> 
> Who knew I could write almost a whole happy chapter. Yay me! LOL  
> 
> 
> Chapter title is from the songs "Guiding Light" by Mumford and Sons, "Where's my Love" by SYML and "They just don't know you" by Little Mix.


	40. How long will you demand my sympathy? It won't undo the life you've got We all know hurt, the pieces won't pick up themselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No, no, I’ll be fine. Thank you. And like you said, Thea will be home soon.” She cleared her throat and was still a little surprised by his sudden need to leave. But he didn’t really give her a chance to wrap her head around it before he nodded at her and left. As unexpectedly as he had appeared.
> 
> Laurel was just sitting there, letting the last couple of hours pass through her mind’s eyes until Thea came home and found her like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I know the last chapter was a little different, I tried something... now were back to business as usual, lol. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it.

**Oliver**

Oliver grudgingly turned his phone back on, officially letting real life back in and giving up their sanctuary of the last four days. He would’ve loved to stay in the little bubble Sara and he had created after their impromptu wedding, but one; they couldn’t stay in it forever and were already pushing it. Part of him was surprised that no one had barged into their apartment yet, looking for them, and two; Dinah was set to arrive today. So, their honeymoon was officially over. Well, they had almost another two hours before he’d have to go to pick Dinah up at the airport.

He looked at his phone and wasn’t surprised about the sheer number of messages and missed calls. He sighed before starting to answer the texts, letting everyone know that he was okay, and Sara was okay, and the baby was okay. And that they just needed some time to figure some things out. It took less than five minutes from the moment he had sent a text to Thea to his phone ringing. 

“Hey Speedy, how are you?” he had to grin at his sister’s response of; ‘How am I? I’m not the one who’s been MIA for the last four days!’, which was fair. He knew that she must have worried, and he felt a little guilty about the lack of explanation he had provided, when he had told them he would not be reachable for the foreseeable future. It hadn’t been his intention to worry anyone. He had simply not wanted any interruptions while Sara and he figured out their new normal and what their choices meant for them.

That was understandable, right?

In the past, every time they had tried to figure out their relationship, tried to take it to the next step and move forward, outside forces had interrupted them. He hadn’t wanted for that to happen again. This was too important. Sara and Mila were too important as to let some unexpected outside force interrupt the process of them figuring out how they were going to do this. What Sara’s choice meant for them and what had let to her changing her mind and if she was sure about it. He didn’t want her to feel obligated or pressured into it. He had just wanted to make sure that this was what she really wanted.

They had spent a lot of time talking during the last four days, about their hopes and dreams and about their fears. Fears about life in general and fears about Mila and raising her. They had come to the conclusion that they were both terrified that they would screw her up, that she would get hurt because of who they are. Sara was especially worried about her blood lust and what it might mean when it came to taking care of their daughter and her fear of hurting her because of it. They had even talked about him wanting to clear the air with Laurel again, calmly, both of them explaining their positions. Sara had eventually given in, after he had made her understand why it was so important to him to talk to her sister and provide her with his side of the events. She was still not happy about it, but she understood how important it was to him. He didn’t want there to be any bad feelings because of unresolved issues between them and Laurel once Mila was born. He didn’t want for their relationship to be strained, which could lead to the same between the relationship of Laurel and Mila and he didn’t want that. Laurel was family, she was Mila’s aunt. It was important that their daughter would not be subjected to the underlying tension that was currently between them and Laurel.

It was while he was still talking on the phone with Thea when Sara walked into the living room, bringing him a cup of coffee. He smiled at her gratefully and grabbed her hand when she was about to turn around and walk away to give him privacy. He gently tugged on it until she stood next to his armchair, he moved his hand from hers to her waist and gently pulled her into his lap, letting her settle in and get comfortable, before gently kissing her crown, all the while keeping up his conversation with Thea. They stayed like that, snuggling on his chair, while he was getting back in touch with everyone and catching up with the events from the last four days, Sara had her legs thrown over the armrest, sitting on his lap sideways, her head resting on his collarbone while playing with his left hand, until it was time for him to go and pick up Dinah at the airport, surprisingly enough, Sara had joined him in picking up her mom, for the first time since they’ve gotten back.

*******************************************************************************

Oliver had decided to have his long overdue and slightly dreaded conversation with Laurel, after dropping Sara and Dinah off at home. He felt this was as good a time as any. Sara was in a very good place, emotionally right now, Dinah was here for the next couple of days… so if Sara’s predictions and fears happen to come true, they wouldn’t be alone to deal with it. And he wasn’t as uncomfortable being vulnerable around Dinah as he was with anyone else. Sara, of course, not included. It might simply be because of the time Dinah had spent with them over the last three months, or just simply because of who and how she was.

The tall man breathed in deeply, held it for a moment before expelling the air again through his mouth. He rolled his shoulders and rotated his neck to loosen up a little and hopefully get rid of some of the tension he was feeling. He took another deep breath, before knocking on the front door to Laurel’s apartment. Thanks to his earlier phone conversation with Thea, he knew that Laurel would be home and that Thea would not be home until dinner. Plenty of time for him and Laurel to hash it out. Hopefully.

“Oliver…” Laurel sounded as startled as she looked given his surprise visit.

“Laurel, hi, sorry for just dropping in on you like this but… I’m sorry I’ve sort of dropped off the face of the earth for the last few days, we did have plans and I sort of blew them off through that and I’m sorry about that. I just… I needed a couple of days to myself. I hope you understand. But I have time now and I figured today as good a time as any for us to talk.” He pursed his lips and turned his head a little, smooth Queen,… this was so not how he meant that to go. Well, hopefully things could only improve.

“Uh, no it’s fine. Why don’t you come in? Sure, today’s fine. Would you like something to drink? Coffee?” At least Laurel appeared as flustered and out of her depths as he did.

“A cup of coffee would be nice. Thank you.” Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea after all. He really should start to listen to Sara, when it came to things like these. He followed Laurel inside her apartment and to the kitchen, watching her prepare their coffees and handing his over to him before they moved to the living room, sitting down opposite each other. He would’ve rather done this standing up. He took a sip of his coffee, before setting the cup down on the coffee table between them. He pursed his lips again and rubbed his thumb and forefingers of his bow hand together. He looked at Laurel and took a deep breath before deciding to put them both out of their misery and just cut to the chase.

“Look Laurel, I don’t… I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know how to explain… there are a lot of things, a lot of my former decisions that I no longer understand myself. I don’t know what you expect of me… what you want to hear. Sara already told you… there isn’t much I can add to those facts. I can try to explain my side, my reasons. But I’m not sure… I don’t know what you hope to get out of this. I’m not sure… you probably won’t like what you hear, Laurel. Are you sure you want to know?” He stopped and looked at her expectantly. He just needed to make sure that she was certain about her choice. That she really wanted the truth. 

“I need to know, Ollie. I just want to understand why? Please.” Laurel looked at him determined.

“Okay. My whole life had been planned out for me from the moment I was born. It was always clear that I would go to private school, graduate, go to an Ivy League college, work at QC, get married to a respectable woman, have kids and eventually take over QC. There was never any choice, there was never… you were everything my parents wanted in a daughter-in-law. You were perfect in every way… while Sara… wasn’t. Not where my parents were concerned. I already let them down so many times… they would’ve never… and I loved you. I really did. But I loved her too. And in the end… all my life, all I ever wanted was to be free. Free to choose my own path. Sara was the only person offering me a life of my own choosing. In the end, that more than anything was a temptation I couldn’t resist.” He knew he had said too much already. He hadn’t meant to tell her all of this, but he needed to be honest. And hoped to get it over with as fast as possible and with as little detail as he could get away with. He only hoped that she didn’t understand what it was that he was actually saying. That she didn’t get the actual meaning behind his words. Sara would kill him if she did. He was sure of that, honeymoon phase or not. They had both agreed, Laurel was never supposed to know… no one was ever supposed to know. Damnit!

“What do you mean with you wanted to be free, how did Sara… free from what?” Thankfully Laurel seemed to have focused in on something else.

“In case you haven’t noticed, your sister has always been a free-spirit. It’s what Tommy, and I loved about her, why we enjoyed hanging out with her. She was unpredictable and always up for mischief. Sara had this aura of freedom about her, and this way of making you feel like anything is possible. It’s a refreshing trait when you’re trapped in a life where everything is planed out for you. Tommy and I were trapped by our last names. Sara kept on telling us that just because our parents had a plan for us didn’t mean that we had to follow it. And she made us feel like she was right. Like we could really do whatever we wanted and not what we were expected to do.” He tried to explain the effect Sara and her personality had had on Tommy and him, but knew that he didn’t do it justice. It was hard to describe, and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to put it into words. When it had mostly been a feeling that she provoked in them.

“Did he know?” Laurel’s question confused him, the sudden slight change in subject that it brought with it.

“Who?” He wasn’t sure what she was asking.

“Tommy. Did Tommy know that you were fucking Sara?” Ah, there was the familiar undertone of resentment and anger that had been missing until now.

Oliver was suddenly hit with a memory, a memory he hadn’t thought about in years... of him... and Sara... and Tommy... it was hazy, like most of his memories partying with them were, there had been a lot of booze and drugs... it had been spring break after all... but he could easily recall the naughty smirk on Sara’s face when she made the suggestion, the sexy pout when they refused and the triumphant grin when they had finally given in... after she had dropped her clothes, standing in front of them in nothing but… he swallowed hard… it took him a moment longer than he would ever admit to anyone to push the memory away after remembering that Laurel was still in the room with him and waiting for an answer.

“I don’t... he knew that Sara and I had sex while you and I were broken up during Spring break in 2006. Other than that, no. No, Tommy didn’t know that Sara and I were involved beyond that week.” He cleared his throat before answering.

*******************************************************************************

**Laurel**

Laurel had forgotten about that. She had broken up with him because he had for the third year in a row just made plans with Tommy to go partying for a week during Spring break without talking to her about it. Even though he had known how she had felt about it. She had suspected that he had cheated on her during spring break the previous year and had been certain he would change his plans if she gave him an ultimatum. It hadn’t worked. She now wondered if her sister had played a part in his decision of going. Yet, why had he gotten back together with her afterwards? He could’ve told her no and stayed with Sara...she had provided him with an out of their relationship and a way to be with Sara. Why hadn’t he used it?

The more she learnt about their affair, the less sense everything made.

She frowned but not because of her thoughts, no, because she suddenly noticed the change in Oliver’s behavior...he had been quiet for a long time before answering her question and had to clear his throat before he had been able to make a sound... and the look on his face had been hard to deceiver...but something had been odd about it, just like the way he had been acting... what wasn’t he telling her? She was definitely intrigued, but decided it was something to mull over at another time. It wasn’t important for the current conversation.

“So what? You screwed Sara during spring break to get back at me for breaking up with you? Out of revenge?” She decided to focus back on the matter at hand and challenge him into starting to give her the answers she actually wanted.

“Wha… no, no. It had nothing to do with you. And it wasn’t… spring break wasn’t the first time Sara, and I had sex.” Oliver looked genuinely surprised and offended at her accusation, but it had worked and he finally started to fess up. 

“Okay, then when… how… why?” She didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand. Well, she had known that, given her conversation with Sara weeks ago, but she wanted to hear it from Oliver. She wanted to know why he had suddenly decided that it would be a great idea to fuck her sister.

“Laurel…” Oliver put his head in his hands for a moment, before looking back up. He almost looked defeated. He took a deep breath and tried again.

“After… when Samantha told me she was pregnant, I… I didn’t know what to do. I knew I screwed up, and that I was going to lose you over it for sure. I didn’t want to have kids at that point in time, I was just turning 21 years old. I wasn’t ready to be a father. I freaked out, and I told mom…” Oliver swallowed hard before looking towards the floor for a moment, pursing his lips and flexing his fingers. Laurel wasn’t sure what to do. She hadn’t expected this turn in their conversation. She hadn’t meant for Oliver to be reminded of the loss of his son.

“Mom promised that it was going to be okay. And I believed her… I’d never thought… well, a couple of days later Samantha called, letting me know that she lost the baby and was moving back to Central City to be with her family. And I knew, I knew that I should feel relieved, dodged a bullet, problem solved itself… and mom agreed when I told her. It was better this way… Only I didn’t feel relieved. I felt pain I never knew I could. I felt sad. I had all those emotions that I couldn’t comprehend because I shouldn’t be feeling them because I didn’t want the kid, I wasn’t ready to have that kid and yet,… I went to my room to try to figure everything out to be alone… only… with everything that had happened I’d forgotten that I had promised Sara to take her to the carnival. So, she stormed into my room all pissed for standing her up when she realized that something wasn’t okay… I didn’t tell her, I wanted to, but I knew that it wouldn’t be fair to her, making her keep a secret like that from you. So, I never told her, and she never asked. She was just there, told me she’d be here to listen, if I wanted to talk. We spend the rest of the day just hanging out and watching TV. After that, she dropped in every single day after school to make sure I was okay.” He stopped for a moment, taking a sip of his coffee, looking lost in his memories for a moment.

“You were away at college and busy and it wasn’t like I could’ve told you. I wanted to, but I knew it would be the end of us if I did. And I couldn’t tell Tommy because he wouldn’t have understood… and he might have told you… A couple of weeks after, Sara called me in the middle of the night. She had gone for a drive with a hot guy in a 1965 Buick Skylark and somehow ended up on the Freeway to Central City, she had told him to turn around and when he wouldn’t threaten him with calling her detective father and having him arrested for kidnapping. The guy stopped the car and according to her literally pushed her out of it, at the side of the freeway. So, I went to pick her up. Scared shitless the entire time. Not knowing what I would do if something were to happen to her. It was that night that we kissed for the first time. And a couple of weeks later that we slept together. I initiated it. She tried to stay away. I didn’t want her to.” His voice had been quiet, steady but hoarse during the whole recollection of events. Laurel wasn’t sure what to say, what to make of it. But she remembered Sara’s words:

_“The first time we kissed was the night Ollie got arrested for his DUI… shortly after Samantha had told him she lost the baby. I didn’t know what was going on at the time, he wouldn’t tell me, but I knew, I knew something was going on, that something was wrong, so I dropped in on him like once a day to make sure he was okay. You were away at college and really busy. The night we kissed… look, I was stupid. I got myself in a dangerous situation and Ollie helped me, I guess it had scared him… I’m still not sure who made the first move, but we avoided each other for weeks after…”_

The night Ollie got his DUI had been the first weekend she had been back home in weeks. He had walked out on her that night, to help a friend, according to him. To get Sara. Because Sara had gotten herself in trouble again. Because he was the only person besides Tommy that her sister could’ve called in a situation like this without getting a lecture and in even more trouble. Sara had been in serious danger. And the only person she could call was the local party boy, who got in the car after he’s had a fair amount of alcohol in his system, to go save her sister. That had been extremely stupid and dangerous of him. Sara should’ve called her, but she knew why her baby sister hadn’t, because she had called the cops on her before, because she had lectured her before, because she would’ve told their dad… Sara should’ve been able to call her in those situations. Not Ollie or Tommy. Who could’ve gotten all of them killed.

Laurel tried to wrap her head around everything he had just told her. 

“So, how did you end up in bed with her?” She decided to push those thoughts away for the moment. It was something to mull over later, when she was alone.

Oliver ran his hand over his face and expelled some air.

“Around six weeks after that night, Tommy sort of forced us to hang out. He had noticed that we were avoiding each other and was fed up with our behavior. He mentioned something along the line of feeling like the child of a divorce. So, he somehow bullied us into going out together, just the three of us. And I don’t know, I planned on keeping my distance, on just acting like nothing had happened but… I don’t know seeing her for the first time in six weeks… and she had worn this… it doesn’t matter… I know she tried to avoid me, get rid of us at the club but we wouldn’t let her just dump us. It was a couple of drinks in when Tommy left with a girl and Sara was about ready to ditch me, I guilt tripped her into staying with me. We had a lot to drink that night and I don’t know… we ended up having sex in the club’s bathroom… I took her home after that and you know… the next morning… I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, I couldn’t believe what had happened the night before and I felt so bad and guilty but at the same time… Sara had made me feel something I’ve never felt before. I didn’t know how to face her, what to say to her so, when Tommy texted and asked me to hang out, I told him yes and just left. When I got home mom, mom asked me if Sara was alright, that she hadn’t even stayed for breakfast and looked distraught. I felt so bad, I hadn’t meant to hurt her, I just hadn’t known what to do. I tried to call her to apologize, but she ignored my calls and texts… for weeks. Until we accidentally ran into each other at a party… we ended up having drunk sex again and that time I didn’t bail in the morning… well, she did, actually.” She was watching him intently and different than Sara he was showing emotion and actually chuckled a little when remembering that Sara had bailed on him, probably as revenge, knowing her sister. He had been right, his retelling of events mirrored Sara’s and there wasn’t a lot more that she had learnt so far… well some but nothing significant that could help her understand why.

She calculated the timing of events which brought her to her next question.

“Why didn’t you… why… after Spring Break, why did you get back together with me? Why not just stay with her?” She wanted to know.

Oliver just looked at her. Staying silent. Wasn’t he supposed to tell her? Weren’t they here to talk about what had happened? If he just went back to being silent and not talking about it, why did he come?

“I mean… you could’ve avoided all of this. We were broken up, you were screwing her already, why get back together with me? When you’d just go ahead and kept on fucking my sister behind my back for one and a half years. One and a half years, Oliver! I thought maybe a couple of weeks... maybe months… but for more than a year? How could you? Why would you? Why didn’t you just break up with me?” Laurel took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She had not meant to attack him like that. She had intended for this to be a conversation, sort of like it had been with Sara. Apparently, she was still angrier at Oliver because of it as she had thought. He was up off the couch and angrily pacing before she had finished her outburst.

“Because I fucking loved you, Laurel. I’ve loved you since I was like twelve years old. You have no idea how much I loved you. And I couldn’t believe that you loved me too. Because you deserved better, you always deserved so much better than me, Laurel. I felt like the luckiest guy on the planet because you loved me too...” Oliver stopped his pacing, took a deep breath and fixed her with an intense stare before continuing, and his words made her flinch back and look at him incredulously.

“Only you didn’t. Not really. It took me years to figure it out. Longer than I care to admit, longer than it should have. You loved the idea of me, Oliver Jonas Queen, the person everyone expected me to be. The potential I had, but not who I really was. It was never enough, nothing I did was ever enough... except the partying and having fun, I was always doing too much of that according to you. You had this perfect picture of how you wanted your life to be and did whatever you could to make me fit, to try and change me so I would fit into that picture of the life you wanted. And I wanted to Laurel, I wanted to be the man you thought I was. I wanted that life you envisioned for us so bad and I tried so hard to be who you wanted me to be but that wasn’t me and every time you pointed out things I did wrong it felt like another failure and confirmed what I’ve known from the beginning that you deserved so much better than me. You deserved someone who didn’t have to try so hard to be who you wanted them to be... someone who could give you everything you wanted without constantly fucking everything up.” Oliver almost sounded resigned. There was pain underlying his voice and reflected in his face and eyes. She wanted to say something, to deny his accusations, but the words wouldn’t come, and he didn’t give her time before going on.

“Sometimes I felt like I was breaking under the pressure. The pressure that came from my parents, and the pressure you added to, talking about our future, about what our life was going to be like, about engagements and marriage and careers and children and I could barely manage to look two months into the future… I sometimes felt as if I were suffocating. I wasn’t ready for all of that Laurel, and I tried to tell you, I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn’t listen, you wouldn’t let me, and I was too much of a coward to make you listen, to say everything I wanted to. I was afraid that you would leave me if I did. And I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. And yes, I’m aware of how it sounds, since I was the one who drove you away with my actions. Who ensured that you’d leave and never come back.” Laurel wasn’t sure what she was supposed to make out of this. She hadn’t known that this was how he had felt. She didn’t…

He took a deep breath and seemed to compose himself, looking away from her. He rolled his shoulders and she could see him rub his thumb and forefingers together, like he always did when he was stressed. He took another deep breath before going on, yet he refused to look at her.

“And then there was Sara... Sara, who expected nothing from me besides being her friend and spending time with her. Hell, even more than that. Sara was the only person in my life who told me and kept on telling me it was my life and what I wanted to do with it, how I was going to live it was my choice and no one else’s. That I didn’t have to do what my parents told me, that I didn’t have to go to college, take over QC if I didn’t want to. Sara, who accepted me the way I was, who didn’t try to change me. Sara, who knew exactly how lost I was because she was lost too. She understood what it was like to be under the pressure of having to measure up to someone you will never be able to measure up to. She understood what it was like to not be the person you were expected to be, to not fit into the box people wanted to put you into. Sara was my friend, my partner in crime, my confidante… When I was with Sara I felt free, free from the burdens that came with being the heir to a billion-dollar company, free from all the expectations, she made me feel like I could be anything I wanted, do anything I wanted. She made me feel I had a say and choice when it came to my life and future… but she also represented everything my parents told me to stay away from. She was not the proper type to be with. She was trouble and no good. She wasn’t what they would call respectable in any way. She was a scandal waiting to happen. Not worthy of the Queen name. And Sara… Sara disliked the high society, everything about the lifestyle that came with the last name Queen. I knew that. And how could I expect her to…” His voice was quiet, and slightly hoarse but firm nonetheless.

Laurel was listening to him intently, trying to understand… if Sara was so special, so important to him, while she made him feel so bad and horrible about himself, why did he stay with her and not dump her for her sister? She couldn’t understand… he said he loved her and yet, all he did was say bad things about her. While Sara was perfect, according to him.

“I’m sorry, Laurel. I truly am, more than you will ever know. And I wish I would’ve never hurt you the way I did. I wish I could stop hurting you. If there was one thing in my life that I could change, it would be… I wish I could take all the hurt and the pain I caused you away. I regret the way things happened, the way you got hurt by it and how Sara and I handled or better said didn’t handle the situation. But I don’t… I can’t… I’m sorry, Laurel, but I can’t tell you I regret getting involved with Sara. There are a lot of regrets I have when it comes to your sister too, but none of them include my involvements with her. And I’m not telling you this to hurt you even more, I’m telling you this because I want us all to be able to move forward with a clean slate. And you need to know the truth, the whole truth, for any chance of that to happen. I loved you for half of my life, Laurel. You were my first love, you are one of my best friends and I need you in my life. You, and the thought of coming back home to you, is one of the major things that got me through those five years. You are one of the most important people in my life and have been since we were seven years old. You showed me what love was. And I’m sorry that you ended up getting hurt because of it.” Oliver had turned his head towards her again and was looking her straight in the eyes while sharing this truth with her. She could feel her eyes get damp from his words and her heart constrict painfully. She was his first love, she was the one who showed him what love was… then why…? She was the reason that got him through his hell, this was the second time he had told her this, it had to mean something, right? But… He didn’t regret getting involved with Sara…

“But Sara, Sara’s the only person… Sara’s… I never knew I could value someone’s life more than my own. Sara made me understand what unconditional love is. Sara was the first person I was willing to do whatever it took to keep her with me. She made me realize that I was the type of person who had to be held back from jumping back into the freezing waters of the north china sea during a category two storm to keep me from going to look for one of my best friends, even at the risk of drowning myself. She was the first person I would’ve died for, the first person I was willing to die for, and she was the first person I killed for. She taught me that I’m the kind of person who does whatever, whatever it takes to protect the people I love. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone. She’s the reason I get up in the morning. She’s the reason I keep on fighting. Sara means everything to me. She and the baby are my whole world. It took me years and losing her more times than I care to remember to come to this realization. And I won’t apologize for that. Sara’s the love of my life.” God, it hurt, hearing those words from him hurt. Even after all those years. But there was no denying their truth. His face, his eyes more than his words said it all. She was still trying to wrap her head around those new pieces of information when he continued and added even more to it.

“Your sister and I have been through so much together… things you can’t even imagine, and I never want you to. We faced hell together and somehow came out at the other end, repeatedly and yes, we got separated several times but, in the end, we always found our way to each other again. And isn’t that what really matters? The fact that no matter what, our paths keep on crossing. And it’s never… we just fit. It doesn’t matter if we were apart for a year, or five, or just a couple of months… it’s never weird. It always feels right, like coming home. She gets me, and I get her. I don’t need to explain… she just understands. We’re speaking the same language. Everything just feels natural with her, everything always just happens, it’s almost effortless.” He looked at her softly and moved toward her, kneeling in front of her.

“I am truly sorry, for everything I’ve done to you, for all the pain I caused, before and today. I never intended to hurt you, Laurel. You are one of my best friends, you are my family and have been for most of my life. I need you in it. I need you. As my friend, as my moral compass. I hope I could help you understand, I hope this will help you move on so we can finally put the past behind us. I understand that you’ll probably have a lot more questions. But I hope you’ll understand that these are all the answers I can give you. Everything else is too much, I can’t rip those scars open again, not even for you. And neither Sara nor I are willing to share even more details of our private life with you or anyone else. We already shared so many private moments with you, moments that we never meant to share with anyone, moments that should’ve just been and stayed between her and me. But we did, because we want to get past this and we agreed that you deserve some answers. You have them now. This has to be enough, Laurel. Because we can’t give you anymore. I hope you understand.” He had taken her hand and was keeping eye contact with her the whole time. His voice was very soft and soothing, yet left no room to argue. He bent forward and kissed her forehead tenderly.

“I’ll leave you alone to sort through everything. Do you want me to call your dad? Or send Dinah over? Thea should be back home within the hour.” He got back up and looked at her in question.

“No, no, I’ll be fine. Thank you. And like you said, Thea will be home soon.” She cleared her throat and was still a little surprised by his sudden need to leave. But he didn’t really give her a chance to wrap her head around it before he nodded at her and left. As unexpectedly as he had appeared.

Laurel was just sitting there, letting the last couple of hours pass through her mind’s eyes until Thea came home and found her like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and Laurel finally had the talk... sort of. Let me know how you guys thought I handled that, it was not easy to write. I tried to stay true to both characters and hope I managed to do that. 
> 
> And yep, that happened during spring break...whatever naughty thing your mind comes up with... be assured it happened...lmao!
> 
> As always, let me know what you think.
> 
> Chapter Titel is from the song "Pieces" by Icon for Hire.
> 
> I get some of you might disagree with my version of events pre-Gambit and my interpretation of Oliver and Sara's affair. And that's fine.  
> I'm just convinced and have been since Arrow Season 1 Episode 1 actually, that Oliver cared deeply for Sara. His actions made that very clear if you asked me. He was willing to risk his life to go look for her in the stormy and icey North China Sea. Robert literally had to hold him back to keep Ollie from jumping back into the water to search for Sara. That doesn't scream meaningless fling to me. So, yeah, they were pretty serious in my opinion. Neither of them might actually have realized it or their feelings for the other but that doesn't change the fact that they were there. The Season 2 flashbacks only drove that fact home.  
> Even in Arrow Season 1 the mentioning of Sara usually let to Oliver shutting down, walking out and looking as if he were in agony. I feel like he was trying to convince himself that he didn't care about her as much as he did and talk their relationship down for the sake of others and himself.  
> Given his and Sara's actions that led to so much pain and sorrow for so many people I feel like there wasn't a single person he could've actually shared his feelings towards her with. That talking about Sara and their involvment was a subject that was taboo.  
> Like with Helena by Sara's grave, which was the first time he actually talked to anyone about it, he was saying one thing but his face and actions another. (Not to forget the little detail that was just thrown into this scene like it was no big deal. He knew where Sara's grave was! He had somehow found out (probably spent hours looking for it because I doubt he would've asked anyone about it) where her grave was. And he had no trouble finding it again when he took Helena there. He went to the trouble to find Sara's empty grave...Starling City is huge, there must be several graveyards... that says a lot about his feelings for her. He could remember and grieve her anywhere, there may be places that would've been more fitting, places he connected with her because of memories but he went and sought out a place that had no connection with her, simply because it was her grave and represented the loss even though she wasn't there, never had been.)


	41. You're never gonna be alone! I won't let you fall, when all hope is gone I know that you can carry on I'll hold you 'till the hurt is gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinah had to admit that spending the afternoon with Sara had been very enjoyable and her daughter had been in a better mood than she had seen her in years. She had caught her up on some of the things that had been going on in Star City and Oliver and her life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so my Christmas break is over which means work starts again tomorrow and I don't know how often I will get around to update, which is why I really wanted to get this chapter done today. 
> 
> I hope you guys like it! 
> 
> And I'm so, so sorry... please don't hate me!

**Dinah**

Dinah knew that something had changed from the very first moment she had spotted Oliver, his height and bulk always made it easy for her to make him out in the airport’s crowd, and to her surprise Sara waiting for her at the airport in Star City, while she was standing in line to get through security. The simple fact alone that Sara had joined Oliver to come pick her up was saying something. Her baby had avoided crowded places if at all possible, until now. Their stance and the picture they presented just underlined how tall and muscular Oliver was, and how small and slight Sara appeared next to him, even in her pregnant state. She looked very uncomfortable and her left hand was interlaced with Oliver’s, while her right one was holding on to his bicep, her head resting against his shoulder. That was the second thing that took her by surprise and gave her the impression that something was very different between those two. There had been barely any physical contact between them during her last few stays, and they had seemed to deliberately keep their distance. They had even stayed in their own bedrooms at night, which had answered her question whether they both slept with their doors ajar, they did.

Both of them looked tired but less burdened somehow… almost as if a weight had been lifted from their shoulders. The aura of deep sadness that had surrounded Sara for the past months seemed to have almost disappeared completely. What had she missed? And what had let to that very welcoming change? And what exactly could it mean? She tried not to get her hopes up and just take everything one day at a time. That was all they could do. What she was given right now seemed to be her baby having a good day, and she was more than happy to enjoy it for as long as it may last.

And that was all that mattered. Her baby was having a good day.

Dinah took a moment just to watch them, and she was once again struck by just how beautiful a couple they made. Her grandbaby was going to be blessed with one hell of a gene pool. The decision to take some time to watch them led to her witnessing Oliver placing his left hand on her daughter’s pregnant stomach while slightly bending his head to say something to Sara, smirking and Sara turning her head up towards him, playfully rolling her eyes and returning his smirk with one of her own. And for a short instance Dinah felt taken back in time, back to when Sara and Oliver were younger, before their ill-fated trip. The air of humor surrounding them screamed of times past. Easier times and she couldn’t help but smile at them, praying that there would be more moments like this one. She was ripped from her thoughts by someone telling her to move and realized that she had almost missed her turn to walk passed security, being so engrossed with the couple waiting for her behind the glass wall.

*******************************************************************************

Dinah walked towards the living room after settling in to the guest room and freshening up a little after her journey, when she caught part of what appeared to be a serious conversation between Sara and Oliver.

“Are you sure, Ollie? I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Are you sure you want to do this now?” her daughter sounded concerned and uncertain.

“Yeah, I am. Now’s as good a time as any. I mean your mom’s here and I’m sure the two of you have plenty to catch up on and figure out. And I meant to talk to Laurel this week anyway… just got a little sidetracked.” Oliver’s voice had been serious until the end, when an amused note joined in and he grinned and winked at her daughter, Sara rolled her eyes at him but returned his grin for a moment before turning serious again.

“Okay. I still don’t like it and… I just don’t want… there is still nothing I can do or say to change your mind, is there?” Sara sounded very unsure but resigned when she inquired this.

“No. No, there’s not. I know that you’re worried, Sara, and I understand where you’re coming from and appreciate your concern… but this is something I need to do. And not just for Laurel and possibly myself, it might help me put away the guilt about causing her so much pain too…” Oliver’s voice was soft, understanding but certain while he put one of his hands on Sara’s upper arm in a gesture of comfort.

“You weren’t the only one causing pain and Laurel wasn’t the only one in pain, Ollie. All three of us were guilty of causing pain and all three of us were in pain.” Sara put her hand on top of his, holding on to it. This was the first time Dinah had actually heard Sara and Oliver talk about their affair and causes of it, and she was surprised by her daughter’s view on it and her insistence to absolve Oliver from his guilt and shifting some of the blame towards her older sister, which was an interesting turn, Sara had always taken the blame Laurel threw at her. She had never once implied that she hadn’t been the one at fault or that Laurel might have had her part as a guilty party in this mess too. Not that Dinah had assumed Laurel was blameless. There was no such thing as a purely innocent victim in situations like this, or there very rarely were. It was just a surprise to hear Sara actually shift some of the blame to Laurel, because it was the first time that she heard Sara blaming Laurel.

“I know, Pretty Bird, I know. But like I’ve told you before, it’s not just because Laurel is demanding answers and I feel I owe them to her but because of Mila, I don’t want there to be any resentment from Laurel towards us, and in turn towards our daughter. Our little Hummingbird deserves to grow up in a family without negative feelings towards each other. And I know you at least agree with me on that. And that is not possible without me talking to Laurel and explaining how things came to be the way they have.” Huh, that was an interesting turn in conversation, for several reasons. Having their unborn child be the catalyst for their need to clean the air with Laurel was not really surprising. She had assumed the baby played into it, they’ve had five years to clean the air with Laurel and neither of them had made any attempt to and yes, she had sort of pushed all three towards this too, but she knew Sara and Oliver good enough that all her pushing and shoving wouldn’t have made them talk to Laurel if they hadn’t wanted to. She was glad that they chose to try and put the ten-year-old drama to rest. It was about damn time too. Way past it, if she were honest.

“You’re right, Mila deserves to have a great, resentment free relationship with her aunty Laulau. I hate it when you make sense.” Her daughter grumbled dejectedly.

“I know. Not sure how Laurel will feel about being aunty Laulau though, she was ecstatic when you finally dropped that nickname during her last year of Junior High, if I remember correctly.” Oliver replied, grinning in amusement about her daughter’s antics. Dinah had to grin too, remembering the numerous squabbles her daughters had had because of Sara’s childhood nickname for her older sister.

“Well, she’ll just have to deal with that. You know that Laulau came to be because I couldn’t say Laurel, I’m pretty sure it won’t be possible for Mila to say Laurel right away either.” Sara raised her eyebrows and cocked her head while looking at him challengingly.

“While that is an excellent point, I don’t think we should bring up aunty Laulau until after my conversation with her and however much time she’ll need to digest it.” Dinah had to agree with her grandchild’s father. They might want to hold back on the whole aunty thing for a while.

“Deal. Just… just think about yourself while choosing what to tell her. Don’t let her bully you into sharing events you don’t want to. Don’t let her rip all of those scars open. Promise me, Oliver.” The sound of Sara’s voice and the choice of her words pulled at Dinah’s heartstrings. Sara was anxious about Oliver, about him talking to Laurel. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea after all, if Sara didn’t think so. No one knew Oliver better than her younger daughter, and if she was worried, there was probably a good reason to be. And her youngest daughter always meant business when she called Oliver by his full name.

“I promise.” He bent down and kissed her softly on the lips, before repeating the action on her forehead and drawing her into his arms. Huh, another interesting turn of events. It appeared like a lot had changed since her last visit…

Dinah looked at them and smiled softly. Yes, things had definitely changed. The way they had talked about their baby, the way Sara hadn’t shied away from the mentioning of her daughter. Their conversation strongly implied that they were going to raise their daughter together. Was that why Sara’s air of sadness seemed to have been lifted? Had her baby decided to stay and raise her own baby with Oliver?

Hold on, did they just say…

_“but because of Mila… Mila deserves to… Mila won’t be able to…”_

They had given their daughter a name. Her grandbaby finally had a name.

Mila.

And what a beautiful name they had chosen.

“So, I was thinking, how about a pot roast for dinner?” Dinah walked further into the living room, making her presence known and drawing their attention towards herself.

*******************************************************************************

Dinah had to admit that spending the afternoon with Sara had been very enjoyable and her daughter had been in a better mood than she had seen her in years. She had caught her up on some of the things that had been going on in Star City and Oliver and her life and confirmed her suspicion that yes; she had decided to stay and raise her daughter with Oliver. And that Oliver had decided on a name a couple of days ago.

Mila Beatrice Queen

What a beautiful name, even more so once Sara explained the meaning of her daughter’s name. She had showed her the nursery Oliver had finished, also just a few days ago.

“Isn’t it just breathtakingly beautiful?” And she had to agree with her daughter whole heartedly. The nursery was amazing. She found it very hard to believe that Oliver had actually done this… by himself. She hadn’t been aware that he could to… any of it to be honest. It was easy to see just how much care and love the father-to-be had put into his daughter’s room. Oliver was such a good, sensitive man, with such a good heart. And he loved her daughter and their baby so much. She was so grateful to know that Sara and her grandb…Mila, Mila, were having him in their lives. She knew that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for them, and that gave her a lot of comfort and made living so far away from her babies a little easier. Knowing that both Sara and Laurel had Oliver in their lives and that he was always taking care of them no matter what, even if they didn’t want him to. It was such a relief to know that she could always count on him to look out for her family. There weren’t a lot of men, a lot of people like Oliver out there. They were lucky to have him in their lives.

“Mom, would you like to… ahm… Ollie hasn’t gotten around to get a car seat or stroller yet, given how busy he’s been creating the nursery. Would you like to help me pick them out?” Dinah turned away from the wall with her granddaughter’s name on it to look at Sara, who was biting her lip, a sign of insecurity and shyness that she’s had ever since she had started first grade.

“Of course, baby. I would love to. If that’s alright with Oliver?” She smiled at her daughter encouragingly.

“Yeah, it was Ollie’s idea to have me pick them out. He figured since he picked everything for Mila’s room…” Sara explained and assured her.

“Okay then, do you want to stay here and order them online or would you like to look at them at an actual store?” Dinah didn’t want to pressure her into going outside and forcing her to be around people if she didn’t want to. She had already gone to the airport, which had been a tremendous step. She didn’t want her baby to end up being overwhelmed.

“Actually, I think it would be nice to be able to look at them, in real. And you know, ask the salesperson the important questions concerning safety issues.” Sara’s answer surprised her, but she agreed with her daughter. Seeing the strollers and car seats did make it easier to decide which ones to buy. The pictures on the internet sometimes made it hard to know what they really looked like.

“Alright, baby, when do you want to go?” she wondered if they should go tomorrow, or maybe the day after?

“How about now? I’ll just have to like go to the bathroom and grab my purse and cell phone. And write Ollie a note, in case he gets back from Laurel’s before we’re done.” Sara was already on the way to do what she told her she would.

“That sounds great, honey, but shouldn’t we wait until Oliver gets back? Strollers and car seats are expensive, you might want to take his credit card.” Dinah was aware of the fact that Oliver was and had been paying for everything ever since they’ve come home. Sara wasn’t working, hadn’t been for years and yes, she did have a savings account but there was not a lot of money in it. For obvious reasons.

“Nah, that’s okay. Why take Ollie’s credit card when I can just use the one he gave me, which will not lead to me having to explain why I am trying to pay with Oliver Queen’s credit card and ends up with me having to get him to verify that yes, I am allowed to use it.” Sara explained while writing the note for Oliver. That surprised Dinah. She knew that Oliver didn’t mind paying for Sara and letting her use his credit card, she had not been aware of the fact that he had made Sara her own card and with that given her access to his bank account. That was a tremendous show of trust.

Dinah went to grab her purse and get ready to leave. Looking forward to spending the afternoon with her daughter, buying things for her unborn daughter, just like expectant mothers did. Sara was going to be a mother. And this was a first step towards preparing for that and having her recent decision set. Yes, today was a good day.

*******************************************************************************

It was while eating dinner with Sara that Dinah had to call defeat. The day had started out so well. She and Sara had had such a good time on their shopping trip and bought both a car seat and a stroller. In addition, some clothes and an infant sling, a little bathtub for the baby and some pacifiers and a lullaby pull musical toy that looked like a bird in its nest. They had bought more than expected, but Sara had seemed very excited and it had been infectious and they had gotten back to Sara’s apartment later than expected. They had assumed Oliver would be home by now and her daughter had decided to go up and have him get everything from the car, the store clerks had helped them load everything in and Dinah was sure Oliver would get everything out and up to the apartment with little to no struggle and without breaking a sweat. While she would probably struggle slightly and Sara should no longer be carrying heavy stuff around. It made perfect sense to her.

Sara had gone up ahead while she had decided to take some of the smaller, less heavy stuff up with her. What had surprised her was the absence of Oliver at the apartment. Sara had been looking around the apartment for him or a sign that he had been back, which it didn’t seem like he had. She could see her daughter checking her cell phone and probably texting him.

They put the items that she had brought up with her away in the nursery and started on dinner after everything was put away. Cooking with Sara had been enjoyable and reminded her of all the times her daughter used to help her in the kitchen when she was younger. But the more time that passed without a sign from Oliver, the more distracted and less talk active her baby became. Until Dinah finally gave up trying to distract her from her worrying during dinner when Sara’s one syllable answers no longer even fit her questions.

She really hoped Oliver was okay and had a good explanation why he hadn’t reached out to Sara to let her know what was going on and why he hadn’t come home, like he had told her he would after his conversation with Laurel. Even more so because he knew how worried Sara had been about the whole thing. The two of them cleaned up the kitchen together in silence and Sara excused herself afterwards, getting ready for bed. Her daughter had sought her out again before going to bed, to make sure that she was fine and had everything she needed and to tell her goodnight. Dinah told Sara again that she was sure Oliver was alright, and something had just come up. Her youngest had just smiled sadly at her, kissed her on the cheek and wished her a goodnight.

She had watched her daughter leave her room, walk down the corridor and to her utter surprise, disappear in Oliver’s room. Dinah sighed, sending a brief prayer that Oliver was indeed okay and just unable to let her daughter know why he hadn’t contacted her yet, while getting into bed herself.

It still surprised her how fast things could change. How a perfectly lovely day could end on such a worrying note. Sara had seemed so happy and excited about becoming a mom while they were picking out stuff for Mila… and now this… could her baby ever just get a break and be happy for a change? Without something negative happening and dragging her back down?

*******************************************************************************

**Oliver**

Oliver knew that he should’ve gone home after talking to Laurel. Or at least called Sara or texted, but... he had just needed some time to breathe. She had been right. His Pretty Bird had been right. Talking about the past, remembering… was harder than he had thought it would be. Just thinking about Sara and himself and who they used to be hurt more than he would’ve thought... but all those memories... thinking about Sara when they were younger meant thinking about Tommy and the thought of his best friend just gutted him.  
  
Tommy should’ve been here. He should’ve been his best man at his wedding, even the impromptu, secret one he and Sara had had, especially at Sara and his wedding. And he would’ve been had he been alive. Tommy would’ve been the one person both he and Sara would’ve told about their wedding. Because there wasn’t anything they wouldn’t share with him, there had never been anything they hadn’t shared with him, even their involvement to some degree…even if it had only been for those days during spring break.

The only secret he had ever kept from Tommy, except for Sara’s eating disorder, which hadn’t been his secret to tell, and Samantha’s pregnancy had been his and Sara’s affair and there had been reasons for that… He hadn’t wanted to put Tommy in a position where he was also stuck between the two Lance sisters and he had to decide whose his loyalty was towards, that wouldn’t have been fair to his best friend. And telling Tommy, talking to Tommy, admitting to anyone about his relationship with Sara would’ve made it real in a way he hadn’t been ready for it to be. Had he told Tommy, he inevitably would’ve had to make a choice. And he hadn’t been ready for that either. And it hadn’t been… Tommy would’ve probably understood his dilemma. But there had been no way around telling Tommy that wouldn’t have let to him having to decide. And he could not do that.

He looked at the name on the cold stone in front of him, as cold as the remains of the body buried beneath the frozen soil under it.

Remembering the day Tommy had confronted him about his and Sara’s affair, shortly after he had returned home, and why they hadn’t told him.  
  
And Mila... Mila should’ve grown up knowing her uncle Tommy and not just through stories her parents would tell her. He was supposed to be the godfather of his and Sara’s daughter. Tommy wasn’t supposed to die. He should’ve been here. Fuck!  
  
Oliver could feel his eyes dampen even with the anger coursing through his veins at the injustice of his brother’s death.

Tommy should’ve been here.

He stared at the headstone in front of him.

_In loving Memory of_

_Thomas Merlyn_

_1985-2013_

_Beloved Son._

What a joke. What a lie. Beloved son… beloved son… had Tommy been Malcolm’s beloved son he would’ve never done what he did. Not to Tommy and not to Thea later on. If Tommy had truly been Malcolm’s beloved son, he would still be here. There would be no headstone bearing the biggest lie of them all. Beloved son.

This was wrong. All of it was wrong. Tommy’s death. His grave. His headstone.

Tommy’s grave should’ve been next to Sara’s. And Sara’s old grave should’ve been next to Rebecca Merlyn’s. And his mom’s should’ve been close to theirs, too. They were family, all of them. They should’ve been resting together. They should’ve… fuck!

Oliver blinked his eyes furiously, trying to get rid of the dampness, when his cellphone rang.

Felicity.

That could only mean one thing. He slowly got up from his kneeling position, feeling the slight ache in his right knee from putting so much weight on it, while it was resting on the hard, frozen ground.

Oliver spared one more glance at the headstone, Thomas Merlyn… Beloved, before turning around and walking towards the entrance of the graveyard, pushing all of his emotions, his feelings and his anguish back to where it had come from, to focus on whatever issue the Green Arrow needed to take care of. It was only when he had stepped out of the cemetery gate and was on his way to his car, that he called Felicity back.

*******************************************************************************

Oliver quietly opened the front door to his home and stepped inside, putting his keys on the small table in the entrance area, taking his jacket and shoes off. He then proceeded down the hall to the bathroom to get changed into his PJs and brush his teeth, all the while making sure to make as little noise as possible.  
  
He stealthy walked into his bedroom so he wouldn’t wake Sara up. The moment he stepped across the threshold made him realize that there had been no need for that. Sara sat in their bed, her back leaning against the headboard, the familiar sight of a multitude of pillows stacked around her. One hand was softly caressing her stomach, the other holding on to her cell phone.  
  
“I’m sorry. I should’ve... I didn’t mean to worry you.” His eyes were trained on the cell phone in her hand and he felt like a heel, and his voice reflected the remorse he was feeling for his thoughtless action.  
  
“I know.” She replied flatly.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Sara just nodded her head, pursing her lips before sighing.  
  
“Are you injured?” the tone of her voice was matter-of-fact, as you would expect from a doctor.  
  
“No. No.” his voice sounded hoarse to his own ears, and he repeated his answer, putting more force into it the second time. To make sure that she heard him.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” her head was slightly cocked to the side now, and her eyes were studying him intently, while the tone of her voice hadn’t changed and was still as clinical as before. But her posture made sure that he knew that she was willing and ready to listen, if he felt like sharing what it was that had kept him from getting in touch with her after his conversation with Laurel.  
  
“No.” he replied softly, but certainly. He really didn’t feel like talking about it. It had been a long day. And all he wanted to do was crawl in bed with his wife and forget it had ever happened. Had it really been less than twenty-four-hours ago that they had been happily enjoying their newly wed status?  
  
“Okay.” Sara put her cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed, shifted forward a little, removed the pillows she didn’t need to be more comfortable to sleep and laid down on her side her back facing towards his side of the bed, pulling the blanket over her body and closing her eyes.  
  
Oliver sighed, staying in the spot he had been standing in during their entire exchange, just barely inside of their bedroom, a little longer. He looked at her for a moment before walking to his side of the bed and getting in, leaving some space in between them, because she was mad at him and she needed her space when she was mad. Part of him was surprised that she hadn’t stayed in her own bed tonight. He wasn’t sure if that hadn’t been better, less painful. The distance between them was such a blatant contrast to how they had spent the last few nights and he felt like crying, because it was all his fault. He should’ve just texted or called her. He had had plenty of time between Laurel’s place and Tommy’s grave or on the way to the Bunker. Before or even after, he changed into his suit. Hell, even while in his suit, he had been just a few blocks from their home, while tracking down a lead concerning the disappearance of the Ghosts, he could’ve just dropped in real quick to let her know that he was okay. Keep her from spending the last ten hours worrying about him. He had fucked up majorly. He knew that.

Oliver was so wrapped up in his mind that it took him a moment to realize that Sara had reached behind her in search of his hand, held on to it once she found it, softly tugging on it, trying to pull him closer to her and erase the cold, empty space between them. The moment he realized what she was doing he followed her silent instructions and shifted closer until Sara could wrap the arm of the hand she was holding on to, around herself, she removed her hand from the iron grip he had unconsciously enfolded it in and he felt a pang, making a fist in order to keep from reaching out to hers again. Only to have her hand softly stroke the back of his for a moment, before opening his fist so she could move his open hand onto her rounded stomach, to the exact location where Mila was currently kicking at.

He closed his eyes, breathing her in gratefully and pulling her even closer, so that there was no more space left between her back and his chest. Whispering another broken “I’m sorry, Pretty Bird.” He kissed the back of her head softly, lingering for a moment. Before laying his head down. Trying to get some sleep.

Yes, Sara was mad at him. But they would be okay. They were fine. They were going to be fine. She was just mad because she had been worrying about him for hours. And she had every right to be. He should’ve let her know, he should’ve texted her. It was just a conflict. They were going to be okay.

It took him a while until his sleeping wife’s even breathing lulled him to sleep.

*******************************************************************************

“Tommy!”

Oliver woke up with a start, shooting up in bed, his dead brother’s name burning his throat. His heart was racing, and his shirt was sticking to his sweaty torso. He took in gulping breaths, trying to regulate his frantic breathing and slowing his pounding heart down. The soft touch on his thigh answered the question that had just crossed his mind if he had woken Sara up.

He closed his eyes, trying to relax, to push the images from his mind. Trying to focus on Sara’s hand on his thigh, on her other hand that was softly caressing his arm now. It was only a dream; it had only been a dream. It had only been in his mind.

But exactly that was the problem.

He couldn’t get the sight of Tommy buried underneath the rubble of CNRI’s crumbling building out of his head. The rebar sticking out of his chest. The look on his brother’s face… He dropped his head into his hands, trying to fight the rising misery he was feeling. Trying to keep the agony from spilling out of the heavily fortified strongbox he had pushed it into, but he was losing the battle and fast. He could feel the tears falling right when the first sob broke free from his lips, that first crack that led to the whole dam breaking, crumbling into a million pieces while the lake of long suppressed anguish, misery and despair flooded free, ripping the rest of the carefully built wall with it in its powerful path of destruction.

He felt Sara drawing him into her soothing embrace, one of her hands stroking his hair in a familiar show of love. He lifted his hands from his face in order to hold on to her body desperately, his face ending up buried in her chest, muffling the sound of his agonized sobs. God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. He felt like he was being ripped apart. He was clutching Sara tight, so tight that he was worried he was hurting her, and forced himself to slightly ease his hold on her and loosen his grasp a little. If he had hurt her, she wasn’t letting on, still cradling him in her arms, softly rocking them back and forth, kissing the top of his head every so often.

Oliver wasn’t sure how long they had stayed like this. How long he’d been crying when his tears finally dried out and his sobs subsided. He was still clinging to his wife, even after the storm of his emotions had passed and all he could feel was bone deep exhaustion. He could feel the lids of his eyes fall closed and his head grow heavy. Sara was still softly running her fingers through his hair and soothingly rubbing his back and shoulders. He needed to move. The position Sara had been in for what he was sure were hours couldn’t be comfortable. He slowly lifted his head from her chest, raising his eyes to her face. Sara lifted her hands from his body and took his face into her hands, using her thumbs to wipe away the last of his tears, leaning forward to softly kiss his lips.

“I love you.” Her words were whispered close to his lips still.

“I love you.” He automatically replied. Letting her caress his cheeks before shifting back so he could lie back down, softly tugging her with him. Holding her tight once she had settled at his side. He was sure that he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, but that didn’t mean that Sara needed to stay awake too. She needed her sleep far more than he did. He kissed her crown and rubbed his hand up and down her side.

“Thank you.” The words were whispered in her hair. He wasn’t sure if she had heard him or if she was already back asleep.

“Always.” Her softly spoken promise answered the question for him.

“Go back to sleep, Pretty Bird.” Sara lifted her head for a moment, just long enough to stretch up and grace his lips with hers in a tender kiss, before placing it back on his chest, right above his heart and giving it a soft kiss too. He spent the rest of the night watching his wife sleep, trying to push the images in his head far away.

*******************************************************************************

**Sara**

Sara was woken up by Ollie’s tossing and turning. He was mumbling in his sleep too, but she couldn’t make out the words. She could see the multitude of emotions that were crossing his face, awoken by the images his mind had conjured up to torment him with tonight. She bit her lip, contemplating whether she should try to wake him. He appeared to be in agony, given the look on his face. She wished she could’ve made out the words he had mumbled earlier. They could’ve given her a clue what he was remembering, which would’ve helped her decide whether or not she should wake him. She didn’t want to risk startling him and have him go into attack mode because of feeling threatened. She wasn’t in a position to avoid him, if he woke up attacking a presumed threat. And the last thing she wanted was to give him another event to feel guilty about. Ollie would tell her that waking him from a nightmare, from his own personal hell in his mind, wouldn’t be worth risking Mila’s and her wellbeing.

God, this was agony. Watching the man she loved suffer and not being able to help him. She could see the sheen of sweat covering his face and body, his shirt was clinging to his form and totally sweated through. She was praying for him to wake up. Wake up on his own. Because she couldn’t stand it, she couldn’t stand this. Her hands were balled into fists, which she had forcefully shoved under her thighs to keep herself from reaching out to him. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed from the moment she had woken up until the moment Ollie shot up into a sitting position, calling for his dead best friend.

“Tommy!” 

Sara closed her eyes in pain before placing one of her hands on his thigh to let him know that she was here, that he wasn’t alone. That he was home with her. She slowly reached out and touched his arms, stroking it in a soothing pattern. All the while watching him, never taking her eyes from his hunched over form. The blonde bit her lips the moment the first sob tore from Ollie’s lips and removed the hand on his thigh to place it on his shoulder and draw him to her, so she could wrap him into her arms. It didn’t take him long to wrap his arms around her too, squeezing her tight, almost painfully so, for just a moment before he eased his grip on her slightly.

Tommy... the nightmare Ollie had had had been about Tommy. Sara closed her eyes in pain while clutching her husband closer. Her hand was still stroking his hair, while the other one was holding him close.

She had known that talking to Laurel, dredging up the past, would not be done without paying a price, that there would be consequences for Ollie, opening up that box, dragging out those skeletons. The question had just been which ones. If she’d had to have guessed she would’ve gone with William, Tommy wouldn’t have been her first guess. Not that it didn’t make sense. Ollie and Tommy used to do everything together, share everything.

Remembering their past meant remembering Tommy.  
  
Tommy, god, she missed him so much and thinking about him hurt, she couldn’t even imagine the pain Ollie must be feeling.  
  
Thinking about Tommy also came with a lot of regrets and guilt... if only she would’ve come home sooner... maybe if she had come home when she first learnt that Ollie was alive, that he was the Hood, maybe Tommy would still be alive. Maybe she and Ollie could’ve stopped Malcolm together before he used the earthquake machine. Tommy would still be alive.  
  
She should’ve been here.  
  
She could feel the tide approaching, could feel how the dark wave of guilty despair was trying to pull her under, how the current of bottomless agony was trying to sweep her away.  
  
She could feel Ollie’s tears on her skin, soaking her shirt just as clearly as the treacherous liquid that was spilling from her own eyes. Sara stroked her husband’s hair, holding on to him tightly while his body was being wrecked by the force of his sobs. She tried to get a hold of herself, tried to keep her tears from falling, desperately swimming against the current frantically trying to escape the waterfall of anguish, despair and endless guilt that was waiting to swallow her whole.  
  
Ollie needed her.

She could feel Mila moving around, almost as if she knew… as if she were trying to get to her distraught, grieving daddy to comfort him too… fuck, Mila. She needed to get a hold of herself. For Ollie and for Mila. Stress was not good for their baby.

  
Ollie needed her to be strong. He needed her to fight those feelings. To swim to shore and escape the fast approaching waterfall of agony. She couldn’t let herself fall down its steep drop and be pushed under in its pitch-black river bed by the water falling onto her. She needed to fight this.  
  
Ollie needed her.  
  
She owed him that. She owed him to be strong, to take care of him. To try to help ease the agony that the loss of his best friend, his brother, was still causing him. She knew that the hole that Tommy’s absence in his life left, in both their lives, could never be filled... and it was all her fault.  
  
She should’ve been here. She should’ve helped Ollie stop the Undertaking. She should’ve been here to help him save his brother.  
  
Tommy shouldn’t have died.

They stayed like this for hours, just holding each other close. It wasn’t until Ollie’s sobs had stopped that he lifted his head from her chest and looked at her. God, he looked so broken.

“I love you.” She whispered the words close to his lips after she kissed him gently.

“I love you.” His reply was followed by him shifting away from her and tugging her with him when he laid back down, settling her against his side, so her head could rest on his chest. It was one of the few positions Mila didn’t complain in. She shifted a little around to get comfortable. The further along she got in the pregnancy, the more difficult it was to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

“Thank you.” The almost inaudible words came when sleep was already trying to pull her under, and she had to fight the sweet temptation of just giving in and succumbing to it. But Ollie needed her.

“Always.” She did manage to reply him even though she wasn’t sure if she had really spoken the words, even less aloud she was just so tired.

“Go back to sleep, Pretty Bird.” His whispered reply at least confirmed that she had actually spoken. She put up on last fight and lifted her head, shifted a little so she could reach his lips and softly kiss him goodnight, before resting her head back on his chest, right above his beating heart. She gave the spot right in the center of his heart a soft kiss and then closed her eyes and fell asleep almost instantly, being lulled to dreamland by the sound of his heart and his hand softly caressing her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you, back to business as usual...I've mentioned that there is no magical cure right? They got a moment of reprieve. but it's one step forward two steps back. Just the sheer amount of trauma and surviver's guilt each of them have, makes it almost impossible to ever really work through. Let alone find a point where to start.  
> One person in a relationship with the amount of trauma that they have, makes it a very difficult situation. They both share the amount of trauma... some of the same losses and most of the same triggers. Having one trigger the other is very reasonable and doesn't help the situation. Tommy was very important to them and they both feel guilt over his death, albeit be it for slightly different reasons.
> 
> Well at least mama Lance is here...
> 
> Okay so, Sara's pissed at Oliver for not contacting her after his talk with Laurel and letting her know how he was, which led to her worrying about him and his mental state for hours but she's also not going to punish him with deprivation of love, being aware of the fact that he needs her and it's important that he knows, yes she's pissed about how he handled it but she still loves him and gets it to some degree. And that they were still in this together. It was just Ollie being Ollie and she had done the same thing to him in the past... I hope that came through the way I meant for it.  
> Oh and Sara only texted him like once or twice, she didn't want to stress him with countless texts or calls. She never called because he could've been in a position where the ringing of his cell phone could've led to his death...and again, she didn't want to add pressure if he was in a bad place and needed space and time. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts.
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Never gonna be alone" by Nicklback.


	42. This on again off again temperamental affection for my darling depression is making me go mad can we let the pain and the happy mix? Can the two coexist? The beauty next to the mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She decided to head to bed after dinner, there was no point in staying up, she hadn’t been able to pay attention to anything her mom had said even before dinner but now her mom had noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating in forever. Like I said Christmas break is over and they upped my days at one of my jobs from four to five so, not that much time to write left. Plus, it is the more emotionally demanding one that got upped in hours, not my office job. So it’s difficult to sit down after work and write on this very emotionally draining story, when work has already taken a lot out of me in that regard. But I’m trying to find a balance, please bear with me until I have figured out my new schedule for writing. Thank you.
> 
> I once again tried something new… let me know what you think…
> 
> I made some changes to the chapter. I listened to an audiobook about "show don't tell" and how to use description better and got inspired to add some more in this chapter... lol.

**Sara**

Sara woke up slowly, feeling slightly disoriented, very groggy and with what felt suspiciously like a tension headache. It took her a moment to recognize her surroundings and to realize that the slightly damp piece of cloth her cheek was pressed to was Ollie’s shirt, covering his chest, on which her head was lying. She could feel Ollie’s arm wrapped around her and his hand resting on her stomach, his other hand covering hers right above his heart. 

She slowly lifted her heavy head to look at his face, making sure that he was asleep. She wasn’t sure why, but it seemed very important that he was… the reason was still eluding her though. Her head was back on his chest the moment she had assured herself of her husband’s sleeping state. Why was his shirt damp? She closed her eyes again to try to will the world, and the tension in her head, away for just a little while longer. Yet all it did was make it worse and her head spin. She tried to remember why exactly her head was feeling the way it did, why she was feeling exhausted even though she had only just woken up. The pounding in her head made it hard for her to focus and it took her a moment to process what her eyes had seen in the darkened room… Ollie had been asleep, his eyes closed, and his chest was rising and falling in the telltale way it did whenever he was fast asleep… and yet, something bothered her about the whole picture. There was a bruise on his face, not that unusual, but the redness around his eyes was… what wasn’t she remembering? Why had he been crying? She tried to focus her mind, recall everything that had happened up to the moment she had woken up a few minutes ago. Using technics, the League had taught her to.

_She remembered snuggling in the armchair with Ollie, while he was getting back in touch with people, before joining him to pick up her mom at the airport. She could easily recall the drive home and the almost argument she had had with Ollie after he had told her he was going to go talk to Laurel. She had ended up with no other choice but letting him go against her better judgment. So, she had needed a distraction, something to keep herself from feeling anxious about the conversation between her husband and older sister._

_Her mom and she had spent a long time talking about what had happened in their lives since Dinah’s last visit and she had showed her the nursery Ollie had finished two days before they eloped, which was a small detail that she had conveniently forgotten to tell her mom while letting her know that she and Ollie had spent the last couple of days talking about their impending parenthood and what having and raising a baby will mean and how it will change their lives. This led to her mom being the first person learning about her choice to stay in Star City and help Ollie raise Mila, and also her being the first person to know their baby girl’s name. Sara had really enjoyed talking to her mom and sharing most of the changes that had happened in her life in the last five days. Her mom had been thrilled for her and excited about her choice. And it helped keep her mind off Ollie and Laurel, sort of. So, she had decided to share one more thing with her mom, something Ollie had suggested she do, while they were standing in the nursery, her mom admiring the amazing job done by Mila’s father._

_“Mom, would you like to… ahm… Ollie hasn’t gotten around to get a car seat or stroller yet, given how busy he’s been creating the nursery. Would you like to help me pick them out?” She bit her lip after uttering the words, suddenly no longer sure if it was a good idea. She had already been struggling at the airport, being surrounded by that many people. The buzzing of activity and the multitude of loud noises coupled with the crowd and people’s lack of respect towards personal space had really put her self-control to the test and pushed her anxiety to the forefront. Ollie being there had made all the difference. He had glared at people who thought that her pregnant stomach was an invitation for a conversation or even worse to just go ahead and touch a stranger. It never took them long to backpedaled and leave after being confronted with her husband’s death glare. Watching people’s reaction to it had highly amused them both. Ollie had grounded her as usual and distracted her with some silly comments, making fun of those unfortunate souls who had thought trying to come close enough to her and Mila to touch was a good idea, until her mom had shown up. Plus, her mom had been traveling. Maybe she was tired and didn’t feel like going shopping. She didn’t want to make her mom agree just because she felt she had to._

_“Of course, baby. I would love to. If that’s alright with Oliver?” Her question had ripped her mom from her thoughts and she turned away from Mila’s name on the wall to look at her, smiling encouragingly. There was a happy and excited gleam in her eyes that took any doubt about whether her mom was feeling obligated to go with her or not from her mind._

_“Yeah, it was Ollie’s idea to have me pick them out. He figured since he had picked everything for Mila’s room…” Which had been entirely on her, he had tried more than once to get her involved in the decorating process, even if just a little, with no success. And honestly, she didn’t mind at all. What Ollie had done with their daughter’s room was just breathtakingly beautiful. It was perfect. But she did kind of want to get some things for their baby girl too, now that she had decided to be a part of Mila’s life. She didn’t really care what it was. So, stroller and car seat were perfect. Just as long as she felt like she participated in the preparation for the newest member of their little family, she was fine._

_Her mom then asked her whether she wanted to stay in and order it online or go to a store. Sara had to smile a little about just how considerate her mom was. And she really appreciated it. Most of all the fact that her mom realized how difficult going out, being around a lot of people still was for her and how she wasn’t expecting her to just get over it but made sure that she knew that there were other options. She really appreciated that._

_But she wanted to go to a store._

_She wanted to do this the way every other expecting woman was doing this. She wanted to do this the right way. She wanted to do this the normal way. She wanted to feel normal. Like a normal woman who was expecting her first child and shopping for their baby. She wanted to do this, how it was supposed to be done. She wanted to go to a store and compare the items right there in front of her. She wanted to be able to ask a professional about the differences between the variety of car seats and strollers, and she wanted to ask all the questions concerning safety issues that she had._

_She wanted to do this; she needed to at least pretend for a little while that everything was normal. That Ollie and she were normal. That they weren’t irreparably damaged and like crowds made her uncomfortable to the point of giving her anxiety. She needed to know that she could do this. So, she knew that she could take her little girl shopping, and to the movies, or bowling, or go to rehearsals if Mila decided to take part in any school plays or shows of whatever activities she chose to join when she was older. This was a first step to make sure that she could to this, that she could give Mila a normal life, do the things with her every other mother did, without a second thought because it was normal. Because they weren’t battling her demons, they never had to face the struggles she did, because for them facing a crowd was nothing to worry about or be afraid of. Sara needed to know that she could do this. That she would be able to be just like every other mother in that regard._

_It was so very important._

_And she wanted to do it right now. Because it would mean she wouldn’t be at home. And therefore, not worry about Ollie from the moment she decided that he had been gone for too long. Two birds, one stone. Perfect plan… at least in theory. She’ll see how the execution would go once they had left._

_Sara walked away to get ready to leave but stopped to write her husband a note first to let him know that they had gone out to shop for the missing baby stuff. She made sure to add a little drawing of a couple hugging, a little heart next to them with “W_ _ǒ_ _ài n_ _ǐ_ _, w_ _ǒ_ _de zhàngfū” written in it in Chinese letters. You could never know who might just walk in to their apartment while they were gone and there was no reason anyone besides Ollie should get her private message of “I love you my husband.” So, Chinese was always a save way to go whenever she and Ollie felt like having a private conversation. It might be rude, like Felicity pointed out at Thanksgiving, and yes, she had heard that part of the conversation too, but she really didn’t care. People butted in way too much already. And while they were on the field, they could never be a hundred percent sure that the comms weren’t on, even if they thought they were off. They could easily get accidentally turned on during a fight. So, better save than sharing private information with people who had no business of knowing it. Too much of Ollie and her private life was no longer private and hadn’t been in years. She was not willing to give any more of it to anyone. Even less without her knowledge._

_Her mom suggesting they wait for Ollie, so she could take his credit card, ripped her from her thoughts and put her focus back on the other woman._

_“Nah, that’s okay. Why take Ollie’s credit card when I can just use the one he gave me, which will not lead to me having to explain why I am trying to pay with Oliver Queen’s credit card and ends up with me having to get him to verify that yes, I am allowed to use it.” The look on her mom’s face given that piece of information was priceless. Yes, Ollie had had a credit card made in her name with direct access to his bank account after she had come home the first time. He had also given her full access to all of his bank accounts and financials. He had given the card back to her when she had chosen to leave Star City again shortly after her resurrection. Making her promise that she wouldn’t hesitate to use it if she ever needed money._

_S_ _he had never used it. Not until he had joined her on her travels._

_But her mom didn’t need to know that additional information, just like she didn’t need to know that Ollie was planning on contacting Walter Steele to have him draw papers to change his will, add both of his children and set up trust funds for both William and Mila too. And also make the necessary legal adjustments given their new married status._

_The two women left the apartment shortly thereafter, taking Ollie’s new black Volvo XC90 that he had bought as soon as they had crossed the US border, making sure that they had safe transportation and later on some additional safety features added, like bulletproofing it for example. They were lucky that he had taken his Ducati to Laurel’s and left the car. Sara handed the car keys over to her mom. She wasn’t comfortable driving; she hadn’t driven a car since long before her resurrection or death even, and she was not going to get back behind the wheel while being seven months pregnant. There was no reason for her to take any unnecessary risks, even less with her mom here. They had spent the drive talking about what her criteria were for the items they were going to buy and if she had any preferences._

_It wasn’t until after they had gotten to the mall and out of the car that Sara realized the significance of her decision and halted abruptly right in front of the store. Suddenly feeling very unsure. Looking through the entrance and noticing the people inside. It wasn’t overly crowded, but it wasn’t empty either. And it was a store for child products, which meant people would probably be very touchy. She still didn’t like to be touched in general, there were some exceptions, Ollie in particular, but she definitely didn’t appreciate being touched by complete strangers. And she didn’t want anyone placing their hands anywhere near her daughter. Even less without her permission. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe she should’ve waited for Ollie and taken him with them. Maybe…_

_“Sara, baby? Is everything okay? Do you want to go back home?” Her mom’s concerned voice ripped her from the torrent of her thoughts and made her focus on her mother’s slightly worried face._

_“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine. It’s just… I guess I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, but I’m okay. No, let’s do this.” She tentatively smiled at her mom and took a step towards the store’s entrance door. She could do this. This was no big deal. She was just going shopping for her baby girl, her baby girl who was currently making sure that her mom knew that she was awake and kicking, literally. She put a hand on her stomach, softly stroking it, trying to calm her very active daughter down. Sara was pretty sure that Mila was feeling her anxiety and reacting to it. She took a deep breath and grabbed her mom’s hand in a tight grip before stepping into the store._

_Part of her felt like a scared little girl, holding on to her mom’s hand, but she was just… she didn’t know how she was going to react. If she was going to be okay. Or if her bloodlust would suddenly decide to give a cameo. If someone chose to ignore her personal space simply because she was a pregnant woman and therefore had none. At least concerning the majority of the general public._

_And then there was the other part, the part that suddenly doubted her choice to stay again. The part that whispered that she was a fraud, that she wasn’t really a mom, that she couldn’t be a mom, because she was a monster… a dead thing… and dead things couldn’t give life, couldn’t raise children… she didn’t deserve to be a part of her daughter’s life. Not after everything she had done, all the lives she had taken and families she had destroyed. Sara tried to push those thoughts away, gripping her mom’s hand even tighter and softly rubbing her stomach._

_She could do this._

_“It’s okay, honey. Look, the strollers are right down that isle.” Her mom had put her other hand on her arm, softly stroking it and smiling at her encouragingly. She followed the direction her mom pointed out and could make out the multitude of strollers the store had on display. Just two isles down, there were barely any people between where they were standing and where they had to go. She could do this. Her mom was softly guiding her along the shelves, staying between her and the other people. They walked towards the direction of the intended items, when something caught her eye. She walked towards the colorful object, dragging her mom with her. She let go of her mother’s hand in order to pick the article up._

_“Ollie’s going to love this!” Sara turned towards Dinah with a smile on her face, excited about the thought of Ollie’s reaction to it. She couldn’t wait to show it to him. It was perfect, and it fit with the theme her husband had chosen for their daughter’s room. Sara looked at the little light blue plush bird, with pink cheeks, sitting in its nest with three colorful eggs in it, again, the bird could be pulled up on a string, so it gave the illusion it was flying above the nest, and the round handle under the nest that could be pulled in order for the music to start playing._

_Funny how one little toy could have such an effect on her but after she had found it, her mood had just changed and the excitement about the prospect of showing Ollie the musical toy just took over and spread to everything else she and her mom bought, and Ollie’s reactions to the items were always in the forefront of her mind and the deciding factor whether or not she was going to get something. They ended up buying a lot more than she had intended to, not that she cared or that Ollie would, and one of the sales clerks in the store offered to help them load the car, an offer neither her mom nor she were stupid enough to refuse. She had spent the drive home in excited anticipation, impatient to finally be able and show Ollie everything she had bought for their baby girl and share her exhilaration about the items and the fact that she had been mostly fine during her shopping trip with him._

_Sara walked into the apartment, excited to show Ollie the musical toy and the cute little clothes she had bought, and get him to bring the heavier stuff up from the car and sharing everything with him and decide where they were going to put what._

_“Ollie? Look what I got… Ollie…?” She had been sure that he was home by now, they had been gone for almost four hours, they had taken a break to get something to eat when she had felt her blood sugar drop. They had found this very cute café that had delicious cakes… she was so going to take Ollie there sometime… them having been gone for more than three hours meant that Ollie had been gone for at least five hours, which meant that he really should’ve been home by now. Or at least been here and left again. But it didn’t look like he was home or had been since her mom and she had left. Her note was still in the exact same spot she had left it. This wasn’t right… something wasn’t right. She took her cell phone from her purse and checked to see if he had contacted her._

_Maybe something urgent had come up that the Green Arrow had needed to take care of? No new messages, no missed calls… surely someone would’ve let her know if there was an emergency, right? Felicity or Dig or Thea…_

_She sent a quick text to Ollie, asking him if something unexpected had happened, or if he simply needed some time to himself and also letting him know that he should let her know if there was anything she could do. And to please let her know how he was doing. Ending it with a simple “Ài n_ _ǐ_ _”—“love you”. She was sure that she would get a reply within the hour, as she usually did._

_But she didn’t._

_Because he hadn’t read her message yet. Why hadn’t he…? Maybe he was busy. There was a good chance that something had really come up that needed the Green Arrow right away and was big enough that everyone was really busy… which was why they hadn’t contacted her. She wasn’t a priority and as far as Ollie knew she had been at home the entire time that he had been gone and therefore safe and out of any potential harm’s way. Contacting her and letting her know about a danger she couldn’t possibly be in, was therefore not a priority on his list, understandably so._

_This made sense._

_It made perfect sense. Which was why she refrained from texting or calling Felicity or Dig. She wasn’t going to distract them and possibly put anyone in danger just so they could explain to her why Ollie hadn’t answered her text yet. No, it wasn’t worth it. So, she decided to just wait until Ollie got around to see her text and give her a quick reply. Even a one-word reply would be fine with her. Or an emoji or a single letter, just a sign of life, just something to let her know that he was in a good enough state of mind to read her text and send a reply._

_She decided to head to bed after dinner, there was no point in staying up, she hadn’t been able to pay attention to anything her mom had said even before dinner but now her mom had noticed. There was no point in worrying her mom even more than she already was, and she had been feeling her feet, she had spent a lot of time on them today and sitting was not doing her any favors either, just as she did her lower back. The weight she was carrying in the front was starting to put some strain on her back, so laying down sounded nice. Besides, she was exhausted._

_But sleep would elude her, and she eventually ended up sitting in their bed, supported by a multitude of pillows in order to get more comfortable. Finding a position to sit or sleep in that was not leading to any part of her body feeling uncomfortable was getting more challenging every day. At least that was what it felt like. Her cellphone gripped in one hand while the other one was staying busy, stroking her stomach, playing with the comforter, brushing the hair out of her face, pulling on the string on Mila’s musical bird, that she had hung on her end of the headboard, letting the soft lullaby wash over her, trying to keep herself calm with help of the quiet music._

_The longer she was staring at the black screen of her phone, the longer the lack of messages was taunting her, the more worried she got. What if Ollie’s lack of checking in with her had nothing to do with the Green Arrow? What if he had sought solitude after his conversation with Laurel? What if he was hidden away somewhere in the city, all by himself, in a terrible place mentally? What if he had fallen back into his depression? What if he was trapped so deep in the darkest corners of his mind to the point of losing track of time? What if it was about the Green Arrow but he had not been able to focus one hundred percent on the fight and got hurt, or worse? What if…? Her mind had been going in circles for hours. He still hadn’t seen her text. Or the new one she had sent him an hour ago. Letting him know that there were leftovers in the fridge, in case he hadn’t eaten yet and wasn’t going to before coming home. Trying to remind him to eat something._

_She considered contacting Felicity for the umpteenth time, still being torn whether she should or not. If it was GA business that kept Ollie from coming home, Felicity would know and could give her a short summary of what was going on and why she hadn’t been contacted by Ollie. But the time that it would take Felicity to answer her text, which she knew the other woman would right away not wanting her to worry more or longer than necessary, would mean her focus would not be on the mission which could get any member of the team in the field killed… it was not worth it. Besides, if Ollie’s radio silence had to do with his conversation with Laurel and was not GA related, she didn’t want to worry the team and even less, make them aware of Ollie’s struggles and the reason behind them. They would ask too many questions that she wouldn’t answer, which would eventually lead to them confronting Ollie about it, and she did not want that._

_So, she stayed on her course and did not contact Felicity, or anyone else. Staring back on her blank screen. She was just about to pull the string under the little bird’s nest again when she heard the front door, followed by the familiar sounds of Ollie putting his keys on the little table in the foyer, taking his jacket and shoes off and then the sound of the water running in the bathroom. He was home. Ollie was home. He was alive. He was safe._

_He was home._

_The moment he stepped over the threshold to their room, she knew that she should’ve stopped him from talking to Laurel. The look on his face said it all. She shouldn’t have let him go. She had known this was going to happen, that it would destroy all the progress that he had made over the last couple of months. She could also see a bruise building on his face, so there had been GA business involved in his absence too, just as she had suspected._

_“I’m sorry. I should’ve... I didn’t mean to worry you.” It wasn’t hard for her to detect the remorse in his voice and the truth in his words._

_“I know.” She replied flatly, not being able to put the anger she felt at herself for not stopping him from talking to Laurel away. Nor the anxiety she had felt for the last couple of hours. And yes, she was also a little mad at him for the way he had handled the situation and not giving her a sign of life.  
  
“I’m sorry.” He sounded so broken and yet all she could bring herself to do was nod her head and purse her lips before sighing.  
  
“Are you injured?” she kept the tone of her voice matter of fact. She didn’t want him to know just how much she had worried and make him feel even worse than he already did. But she needed to know that the bruise on his face was the only physical injury he had received tonight._

_“No. No.” his voice sounded hoarse to the point where she could barely make out his reply until he put more force into it and repeating his answer. She wasn’t sure whether she should believe him or not. A part of her wanted to make sure, insist he take off his shirt so she could verify his answer, but she was certain that having her fuss over him right now was not what he needed and again, would be a sure sign for him about how anxious she had been and lead to him beating himself up over his actions even more than he already was.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sara cocked her head slightly to the side, so she could study him better, in order to get a read on him and making sure he knew that she was here to listen if he felt like talking, but also keeping the tone of her voice as neutral as possible. She didn’t want him to feel pressured to talk. It was important that he knew whatever he decided was fine with her, either way.  
  
“No.” his reply was soft but left no doubt how sure he was about his choice._

_“Okay.” Alright, he didn’t want to talk about it, and he wasn’t hurt. So there really wasn’t anything else to do tonight but go to bed and get some much-needed sleep. Sara put her cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed, shifted forward a little, removed the pillows she didn’t need to be more comfortable to sleep and laid down on her side her back facing towards his side of the bed, the way Mila had placed herself at the moment made this the most comfortable position for her to try to sleep in, pulling the blanket over her body and closing her eyes._

_They could talk about a solution to the problem that led to her anxiety tomorrow. Figure out how to keep her from worrying if he couldn’t text her._

_She got it. She really did. She got why he hadn’t texted her; she knew how he worked, and she knew that it probably had taken everything he had to stay focused on the mission and put his feelings and the conversation with Laurel out of his mind. She understood. She didn’t like it, but she got it. And it would’ve been fine… his actions would’ve been fine had she been able to go look for him, to make sure that he was okay… had it only been her… but now, with Mila, she couldn’t go out and look for him in the middle of the night… she couldn’t save his ass if he was in trouble, she couldn’t have his back in the field if he was emotionally unstable and therefore prone to get distracted and possibly hurt as a consequence… it wasn’t just her anymore and she just needed… she needed an update, a small sign that he was okay, a message that he had donned the suit and was out fighting and not hidden away somewhere in solitude, punishing himself with isolation. Just something._

_Sara could feel the mattress dip a little when Ollie finally got into bed with her. She waited for him to shift closer to her and wrap his arm around her like he always did, yet the cold space between them wasn’t closed by the bulk of his warm body and she and Mila weren’t enfolded in his safe embrace. She wondered for a moment if maybe he really just needed his space, when she heard him swallow hard and felt his eyes on her back._

_Ollie… her Ollie, always thinking the worst… she stretched her hand out behind her back, searching for his to make sure that he understood that yes, she was a bit mad at him, but not for his lack of checking in, more for his not listening to her when she had told him that talking to Laurel was a bad idea, but her being mad at him didn’t mean that she wanted there to be any kind of distance between them… that the reason for her current position was their daughter, nothing else. She took hold of his hand and softly tugged on it, trying to pull him closer to her and erase the cold, empty space between them. The moment he realized what she was doing he followed her silent instructions and shifted closer until she could wrap the arm of the hand she was holding on to, around herself, she removed her hand from the iron grip that he now had on it because Mila had just woken up and was kicking her stomach, as if to say “hi” to her dad. She noticed the fist he had turned his hand into after releasing hers, when she tried to put it on the spot their daughter was kicking at, so she softly stroked the back of his hand for a moment, trying to let him know that no she hadn’t removed her hand from his for any of the negative thoughts that were currently going through his mind, and then slowly pried his fingers open, so she could finally move his open palm to the intended spot. Placing hers atop of his on her stomach, above their daughter’s busy feet._

_She was slowly drifting off when she felt Ollie pulling her even closer, so that there was no more space left between her back and his chest. She could hear him whisper another broken “I’m sorry, Pretty Bird.” Before he kissed the back of her head softly, lingering for a moment. She wanted to reply to him, reassure him, but sleep was taking her over before she could. It had been a long, eventful and emotionally draining day._

_“Tommy!”_

Sara’s eyes sprang open the moment she recalled how her night had ended. Fuck! Of course she was feeling exhausted, she had barely slept; it had been less than two hours after she had fallen asleep that Ollie’s tossing and turning had woken her up. They had spent hours awake, while he had cried in her arms. And she had grieved Tommy with him. Her tension headache was explained now, too. Everything made so much more sense now. Sara put her hand on top of Ollie’s kissing his chest and biting her lip. She felt like crying again. Remembering Ollie’s breakdown, his anguish… god, it hurt. It hurt almost as much as the loss of Tommy did.

Sara closed her eyes again. Willing those thoughts and feelings away in order to get a couple more hours of sleep. The clock on Ollie’s nightstand had let her know that she had only fallen back asleep three hours ago. She really needed to get some more rest, so she was on top of her game in the morning to take care of her grieving husband. Thankfully, her body agreed and cooperated with her and she fell back asleep only a little while later after she had used some meditation techniques the League had taught her to empty her mind of all thoughts.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I felt like I didn't get into Sara enough last chapter and wanted to make sure that her actions make sense and are not misunderstood. I never meant for her part to get this long, lol. On the plus side, given the fact her part of reflecting turned out this long means that part of the next chapter is already written and I'm hopeful to get it out soon and not make you guys wait this long again. 
> 
> As always let me know your thoughts and I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing. The structure was weird to write in... I don't know... I tried something but I probably won't use this form again anytime soon...
> 
> The chapter title is from the song "Happy Hurts" by Icon for Hire.
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/joeeeydeee


	43. I’m not much of a lover I’m a tough motherfucker but when the rain pulls me under you say I’ll wait for the thunder we’ve been through too much to let it break I won’t be making the same mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver slowly felt reality push against the cobwebs of his still sleep riddled mind, stretching his arm towards the right side of the bed in search of Sara’s body that was no longer in his arms. He figured that she had shifted away from him because of Mila, even in his still mostly asleep state. It wouldn’t be the first time. He was fully awake from one moment to the next when he realized his wife was no longer in their bed with him, even more than that, her side of the bed was cold. Which meant she hadn’t been in their bed for quite some time. That wasn’t right. He always woke up when Sara got up and out of bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry it has taken me this long to update. Real life has been kicking my ass lately and I've been struggling to just get out of bed on the days that I didn't have to work. I'm really working on it and I'm doing better now, writing helps but every time I sat down to write I just couldn't even though I missed writing and I missed this story so very much. I can't promise you guys to get back to my regular schedule right away but I'm doing my best and I'll be working less again soon so that will be a tremendous help too. 
> 
> Again, I am so very sorry for making you guys wait this long. It's a rather short chapter but I just really wanted to post something. I hope you guys like it.

**Sara**

The next time she woke up, staying in bed and trying to fall back asleep again wasn’t even an option. Mila was pushing on her bladder. Sara slowly and carefully moved Oliver’s arm from around her waist and scooted away from him as smoothly as possible, which wasn’t very smooth at all. She stopped once their bodies no longer touched and checked to see if she had woken him up, actually expecting to be looking into his sleepy, slightly concerned sky-blue eyes. Yet to her utter surprise, Ollie was still out cold. Which was a testament of just how emotionally taxing the previous day and night had really been for him. Sneaking out of their bed without waking him up had already been almost infeasible before her pregnancy.

Now it was an act of impossibility.

Yes, that meant he usually woke up every single time she got up to pee. Normally he would just turn around and fall back asleep instantly after she assured him she and Mila were fine.

She padded, as quietly as possible, which wasn’t as quietly as she would’ve wanted to or used to be, to their bedroom door and out of the room. Glancing back one more time to make sure that he was still asleep. 

Sara decided to not head back into their room and risk waking Ollie up and moved towards the kitchen, noticing that she was actually starving. She had gotten better at recognizing and acting on the feeling of hunger, especially since she had found out about her pregnancy.

Eating when being hungry didn’t come naturally to her anymore, and it was easy for her to ignore the feeling if she was otherwise occupied.

She’d love to blame Anthony, Lian Yu or the League for this issue of hers and both Anthony and Ra’s did use it as a means to get her to do what they wanted and all of those things, including nearly starving to death after the Freighter went down and Anthony’s former prisoners took their revenge on her, played into it but if she were completely honest with herself food and eating had been an issue for her since High School and she had learnt back as a teen to ignore the pangs of hunger in order to have a small remnant of control over her life.

It had felt as if it was the only thing in her life that she could control.

Everything had been spiraling out of her control. And there had been no one she could talk to, not after Ollie got together with Laurel. At least it had felt like that to her. She had felt no one cared about her or what was happening to her. And later on, when people had found out it had given her attention from Ollie and her parents and Tommy and they tried to take care of her.

She had been in control.

She had stopped eating and suddenly everybody had done what she had wanted them to.

They had to.

Everybody had to do what she had wanted them to or risk have her starve herself to death. Everything had been about her for once in her life. Not Laurel. No. Sara. Only Sara. That Laurel had been in college at the time their parents had learnt about her eating disorder had also led to her receiving their full undivided attention while her sister was away from home. For the first time in her life.

Looking back now she knew she had been overdramatic as a teen and their parents’ treatment of Laurel and her had been fair and equal, but that was not how she had felt as a kid. There had been no favorites when it came to their treatment on their parents’ side. She knew now that Laurel had felt similarly, feeling that she as the baby of the family was their favorite and that Laurel as the first born had to thrive on scholastic achievements, follow all the rules and be the perfect daughter in order to get their parents attention and approval. 

It had been normal sibling rivalry that might have never spiraled as far out of control as it had, had it not been for one Oliver Jonas Queen, who had come between Laurel and her long before he had ever even been aware of it. They had vied for his attention long before they had been old enough to understand what love was. He had been Laurel’s friend first, and yet it had been her who had hit it off with him right away. Their similarities were what had led to their friendship even with their two-and-a-half-year age difference, which was huge for four- and seven-year-olds. Laurel hadn’t liked that.

Ollie on the other hand had been fascinated by Laurel and how she wasn’t like the girls he knew but still cared about rules and school and how she always tried to do the right thing. Following the rules and not approving when Ollie, Tommy and she decided to break them on purpose. Ollie placed Laurel on a pedestal early on in their friendship, which built the foundation of their relationship. He always tried to live up to her expectations, do good for her and in the process keeping a lot of things from her knowing she wouldn’t approve or even worse be disappointed in him were she to find out what he had been up to and involved with.   
  
The fact that Ollie had never idolized her and known from the moment they had met that she was trouble led to him not keeping shit from her and go even further and involve her in their adventures, knowing that blaming her should they get caught by adults, would lead to them getting away with even more because who could be mad at the tiny, cute blonde haired and blue-eyed girl who didn’t mean to do whatever trouble they had caused just didn’t know any better yet.

It was still incomprehensible to both of them just how long they had managed to get away with that and how many people had bought that lame, bullshit excuse. All three of them had always been aware when they were breaking the rules or doing something stupid. Innocent and naïve were words that had never fit Ollie, Tommy and her. They had always known exactly what they were doing, pushing the boundaries to see how far they could push, just how much they could get away with. Their need to see how far they could go spiralled way out of control once they hit their teens and they were lucky to have survived their teenage years.  
  
“Good morning, baby.” Her mother’s calm voice interrupted Sara’s dark musings, which she was grateful for.  
  
“Hey mom.” She returned her mother’s smile with one of her own.   
  
“How are you feeling, honey?” Her mom looked at her concerned, studying her carefully.   
  
“Tired and hungry, but otherwise alright. Didn’t get that much sleep last night. I was awake until Ollie came home. Mom, can you do me a favor?” She wasn’t sure why she shared that last detail with her mom, but it just felt right and she needed to talk to someone.   
  
“Of course, baby. Is Oliver alright? Did he give you an explanation why he hadn’t gotten in touch with you?” Sara wasn’t sure how her mom did it, but she managed to ask both questions without sounding as if she were accusing Ollie of doing anything wrong, she just sounded concerned, which was the only reason she decided to be honest with her.   
  
“No. He’s really not, which is why I’m asking you to go visit Laurel today, like right now and stay with her for the night at least, maybe tomorrow night too. Please.” Well, sort of anyway.   
  
“Sara, are you sure, baby? I don’t mind staying, or leaving if you think that would be better. I’m here to help you and Oliver. However, you need me to.” Her mother didn’t seem convinced with her request. Sara really appreciated her mom’s help and concern and apparent understanding. And she would gladly come back to her offer to help them however she could but that came later. Right now she needed her mom to go stay with Laurel to give Ollie some space.   
  
“Thank you. And I know and appreciate that, but what I need right now, is for you to not be here. Ollie needs to be able to feel however he’s feeling right now, and he can’t and won’t do that with you here. So, I really need you to stay with Laurel.” Sara decided to share a little more with her mom hoping she would agree to go stay with Laurel without them having a drawn-out argument about it, she was not up for that right now. Not after yesterday and earlier today. She was exhausted and emotionally drained. Holding Ollie for hours while he cried took a lot out of her. Ollie’s pain was her pain regardless of the reason. Adding the origin of his anguish to the equation made it just so much more draining. Because she was missing Tommy, too. So, so very much. Thinking about him hurt. Not having him here with them hurt. But that wasn’t important right now. This wasn’t about her. It was about Ollie and his pain. Hers could wait for some other time.  
  
“Okay. Just let me get my stuff… and you let me know, if there is anything you need. No matter what, no matter when. Okay?” She took a deep relaxing breath, and the tension left her body the moment her mother agreed, and she knew for a fact that there wasn’t going to be any resistance on her mother’s side. She was very relieved about that. And grateful for her mother’s understanding.  
  
“I will. Thank you, mom. For everything but most of all for understanding. Sorry I’m kicking you out… I just… Ollie… he needs… he needs… Ollie needs his privacy right now. He needs to be able to just be and feel however he feels and express those emotions and he can’t do that with you here… or more accurately he won’t do that with you here. Talking to Laurel brought up a lot of repressed feelings and memories for him. Especially about Tommy. And I just really need him to… to give himself some time to just miss Tommy and grieve. He has never really given himself time and permission to do that. I need him to work through this because I need him to… I need him… I… it’s important.” Sara knew she was really over sharing right now, but she was also certain that given her mother’s actions and behavior that she was aware of what had transpired last night and Ollie’s emotional breakdown. The apartment was enormous, but it was not big enough for her mom to not have been aware of it. Knowing her mom, she probably hadn’t been able to sleep soundly worrying about Ollie. So, there was almost no way she hadn’t heard Ollie’s desperate cries.  
  
“Of course it is, baby. And don’t you worry about me, alright? You just take care of Oliver, Mila and yourself, okay? And you let me know if there is anything I can do for either of you. I love you, baby.” Her mom put her hand on her arm and softly kissed her cheek while brushing her other hand through her hair.   
  
“I will, thank you. I love you too, mom.” Sara put her hand on top of her mother’s on her arm, smiling gratefully at her.   
  
Dinah kissed her daughter’s cheek once more before leaving the kitchen to get her things and then leave for her other daughter’s home. 

******************************************************************************* 

  
**Oliver**  
  
  
  
Oliver slowly felt reality push against the cobwebs of his still sleep riddled mind, stretching his arm towards the right side of the bed in search of Sara’s body that was no longer in his arms. He figured that she had shifted away from him because of Mila, even in his still mostly asleep state. It wouldn’t be the first time. He was fully awake from one moment to the next when he realized his wife was no longer in their bed with him, even more than that, her side of the bed was cold. Which meant she hadn’t been in their bed for quite some time. That wasn’t right. He always woke up when Sara got up and out of bed.   
  
Something was wrong.   
  
He sat up and got out of bed in record time, being on high alert in seconds, searching for his missing wife and preparing himself for the worst. He was feeling groggy, slightly dizzy, and there was a slight pounding in his head on top of the fog his usually razor-sharp mind was still in. His mind automatically started to take stock of every single thing wrong with his body while going through every poison known to him that overlapped with his possible symptoms and lead to him not waking up by his Pretty Bird’s movements. All the while stealthily looking for his absent wife, muscles tensed, the dagger from his nightstand in his hand, ready to pounce and attack. Oliver expected to find Sara in distress or being threatened or hurt, and was fully prepared to do whatever it took to ensure her safety.   
  
What he actually found was his pregnant wife, standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. His stance relaxed instantly, and he went from alert and ready to fight to calm and relieved. He stood in the doorway for a moment, just watching her, taking her in. Thanking whatever higher power that had brought her back to him. He no longer knew how he had made it through all of those years without her. Wasn’t sure he would be able to go on without her one more time if… he knew he would have to. For Mila. But… he didn’t want to think about the possibility of ever losing Sara again and wasn’t sure where those dark thoughts had come from. She was right here, right in front of him, just a couple of steps away. There were moments when it was still hard for him to believe. Believe that she was alive. Believe that this was his life now. Sara and he finally together. Planning their future, having a baby, being married. He took her in for one more moment before stepping over the threshold and entering the kitchen.   
  
“Good morning gorgeous.” He smiled at her lovingly and was surprised for a moment about how rough his voice sounded, yet he had to admit on second thought that it wasn’t surprising at all. Not after last night. The fog had lifted some and the last day played through his mind as if to catch him up to the current events. He walked all the way to her side, putting the dagger on the counter along the way, and bent down to give her a tender kiss good morning. Trying to convey just how grateful he was for what she had done for him the night before.   
  
“Good morning handsome.” She returned his smile and kiss in the same manner. Before lifting her hand to softly caress his cheek while searching his eyes out and studying him carefully.   
  
“You’re welcome and any time. How are you feeling?” Her question came as no surprise, and he had no issues answering honestly. Knowing full well that there would be no point lying to her even less while she was studying him as intently as she was right now. And honestly, he really didn’t feel like lying to her.  
  
“Like shit” he was sure that if he’d look into a mirror right now, his appearance would fit his answer perfectly. He was sure that the hit he had taken to his face last night left a bruise which was probably joined by dark circled, red-rimmed eyes.   
  
“I figured. Here” she removed her hand from his face, turning away for a moment before handing him a hot cup of coffee and a plate of eggs, bacon, tomatoes and cucumber and a couple of slices of freshly baked bread.   
  
“Thank you. Where’s Dinah?” he smiled at her gratefully and bent down to steal another tender kiss from her until he noticed the absence of his mother-in-law. It was unusual for Dinah to not be up and with Sara while visiting. Dinah was usually moving around the kitchen, preparing food for them. She enjoyed taking care of and spoiling them. She always told them she enjoyed helping them out, and it was her pleasure to prepare meals for them.  
  
“Staying with Laurel for the next two days, maybe longer.” Sara answered matter of fact, making sure that her tone of voice left no room for arguments.   
  
“Sara...” he still tried, the thought of Sara making her mother leave because of him not sitting well with him. What Dinah must be thinking right now. He was sure that was not going to be sitting well with Laurel and Quentin. And he was already on thin ice with both of them, or would be once Laurel told her father about their conversation from the previous day, he was sure of it.  
  
“This is important. You need this, Ollie.” she had turned fully towards him now, looking at him seriously. Making sure that he knew she meant business and didn’t care about etiquette. Not when it came to his mental health. Not that it was a new revelation to him, or the first time Sara had taken the matter into her own hands to help him deal with an issue that was bothering him. And he appreciated it, most of the time, at least, eventually.  
  
“I...” he honestly had no idea where he was going with this. He just knew that he didn’t like the direction he was pretty certain this conversation had taken.   
  
“You need to take some time and let yourself grieve Tommy. And mom understands and doesn’t mind.” his Pretty Bird’s next words confirmed his suspicions. Yeah, he didn’t like it at all.   
  
“I did grieve him, Sara.” the moment the words left his mouth and the look on her face made him realize how weak that argument was. And he knew she wasn’t buying what he was trying to sell her. Hell, he wasn’t even buying what he was trying to sell. So how could he expect her to?  
  
“Ollie, no offense, but running off to freaking Lian Yu for five months is not grieving. Or dealing. It’s just that running away, believe me, I know. It’s what I’ve been doing for years. You need to take the time to grieve, really grieve Tommy.” she knew him too damn well. He had shared too much with her to think she would let him get away with such a blatant lie. Her words didn’t surprise him at all. Of course she would bring up his self-imposed exile on Lian Yu after Tommy’s death. He should have known he’d eventually end up regretting sharing that tidbit of information with her. She had the tendency to use information like this against him if the situation presented itself, as it did now. Not that she did it to hurt him, the contrary actually, she usually used the information to try to help him and make him see her point. And it usually worked. It was hard to argue with facts about your life that you have given the person arguing them. Even more so if they were doing it on your behalf. But at the same time, just because her intentions were good, and he got where she was coming from, didn’t mean he had to just lay down in defeat.  
  
“What about you?” Pot meet kettle. Two could play that game, and he knew for a fact that she had never taken the time to grieve Tommy either. And that she blamed herself for Tommy’s death. Feeling that her absence made her guilty of his death. That she could’ve helped prevent the events of the Undertaking had she been home, especially because she had had knowledge that he hadn’t had until it had been too late. She had known about Malcolm’s involvement with the League of Assassins, she had known how dangerous that made their friend’s father. She would’ve recognized the Dark Archer as a member of the League from the way he was dressed alone, not even taking his fighting style into consideration. They had talked about their guilt about Tommy’s death some after she had come home for the first time. But they had never found the time to talk about it in lengths. Maybe she was right, and it was time for them to face the loss of a man that had been a brother in all but blood to both of them.   
  
“Don’t worry about me. Okay. Let me take care of you right now, while you take some time to grieve. We can focus on me and my grief after.” It were moments like this that reminded him of just how alike Sara and he were. She was deflecting and prioritizing his pain over her own. Just like he always put her pain and needs before his own.   
  
“How about we take some time and grieve Tommy together?” but he wasn’t going to let her get away with it this time. Not when there was no reason for it. They were both hurting, they might as well hurt together at the same time instead of having one person repress their pain for now just to go back to it at a later date. It made no sense whatsoever, and it might be nice to share the pain the loss of their best friend was causing them.   
  
“I guess we could do that.” She came to the same conclusion as him, given the look on her face and the lack of an argument.  
  
“Anything particular you had in mind?” He wondered. She must have thought of something while deciding to relocate Dinah in order for him to deal with his grief.   
  
“Well, I was thinking about making something to remember Tommy that we can share and use to explain to Mila who her Uncle Tommy was and what he meant to us... maybe put together a picture album or scrapbook or some old videos or something along those lines... what do you think?” Sara shared her thoughts with him, looking a little unsure and apprehensive. As if she was worried about his reaction to her suggestions. Honestly, he wasn’t sure why.   
  
“I… yeah, I’d like that. I can get some old pictures and home movies. They’re in a box somewhere. And I think Speedy and Laurel should have some too.” He loved the idea and was really appreciating the thought Sara had put into it. He suddenly had an image of Sara, himself and a little blonde girl in his mind, all three of them sitting on their couch, their daughter in between them while they were looking at a picture album telling the story of their friendship with Tommy to their little Hummingbird. The glimpse of his possible future made him swallow hard and close his eyes for a moment, basking in the images his mind had conjured and at the same time willing them away because it made him equal parts happy and sad. Happy to think about what his life will look like with Sara and Mila in it and sad because Mila would only ever know Tommy from pictures, home movies and stories... that wasn’t right. This was not how it was supposed to be.   
  
Oliver took a deep breath, willing the image away, opening his eyes again and focussing on the food that was so lovingly prepared in front of him.  
  
“Okay, how about we look through it after breakfast?” Sara sat down at the table across from him, putting one of her hands on top of one of his, in silent acknowledgement of his pain and a show of comfort while stealing one of his tomatoes with her other hand.  
  
“Sounds like a plan.” They fell into a comfortable silence after this. Until Sara broke it after several minutes and he’d almost eaten his entire breakfast, still holding on to her hand.   
  
“About last night… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be that harsh… it’s just… I…“ Oliver looked at her surprised, he had not been expecting that and she had had every right to act the way she had. He had been the one in the wrong. She hadn’t done anything wrong at all. He should’ve let her know what was going on. He shouldn’t have ghosted her, even if it hadn’t been intentional at all.  
  
“Sara, you don’t have to. It was my fault. I should’ve contacted you.” He tried to make her understand that there was nothing she had to apologize for, but Sara didn’t seem to agree or let him have it.   
  
“No, I shouldn’t have been as short with you as I was. It’s just... I was really worried about you, and last night made me realize that I have no clue what’s going on, on the Green Arrow front. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what you’re dealing with. And I know that is my fault, and it was my choice to not talk about it. To keep Mila away from that part of our lives and I still don’t want any of that near her but... I...” he watched her quietly, listening intently to what she was saying and how she was struggling to put her feelings and thoughts into words. He thought he knew what she was trying to say and understood what she meant. Not being in the loop must be really hard, especially in a situation like the one last night. Not knowing what the people you care about are up against… it must have been torture for her. Especially given her former involvement concerning anything to do with vigilantism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. I'm not sure about it but I wanted to update really bad and this is why I'm not a hundred percent sure of it but I really hope you guys liked it. 
> 
> As always I appreciate every single person who reads this story and especially the ones who let me know they like it and share their thoughts with me. It means a lot. 
> 
> The chapter title is from the song "Gang Gang" by Nova Rockafeller feat. Tom MacDonald. It's a great song and it screams Oliver and Sara to me, especially when you watch the music video.
> 
> There's a line in the song that goes: "I'm like, babe I hate them and she's like same, same, same." And I just always have a picture of teen Ollie and Sara sitting next to each other glaring daggers at Carter Bowen in my mind, lmao. But maybe that's just me.


End file.
